i dont want anyone to see me eat

shawn x brown moodboard
-to my dearest, shawn:
shawn peter raul mendes, the most influential and emotionally moving 18 year old in my life ever. ive never been filled with more love for someone who doesnt know i exist. ive never felt so much love from someone who doesnt know i exist. the truth is you wont even see this message, but please take care of yourself. eat all the muffins you want and play guitar until your fingers bleed. dont ever let anyone take that away from you. you are a star that shines indefinitely. you are a talented and unique individual who’s mellifluous voice and lyrics could heal even the sickest of souls. you deserve everything in the universe and more and i wish i could return all of the love and warmth youve showed me. you are so widely and deeply loved and i hope you never forget it.

A morbid description of how obese people with diabeetus suffer silently and the psychological damage they inflict to people around them.

One of the things i have rarely seen posted on tumblr about obesity is the effects of diabetes and im stumped how fat people dont even care about it and dont even know the consequences. I lived my early years of my life in a very poor country where fast food is cheap and most people survive on fast food. Most of the people are highly diabetic and overweight. Most of the food they eat is fried stuff and the biggest favorite of all: soda! In the US, i dont see anyone talking much about diabetes, they put it out there but they rarely mention how it is capable of destroying your body. I want to try and avoid posting a story but i will post a typical event from my country that I witnessed and still happens and try to relate it in a non-story way as much as possible, please forgive me if it looks more like a story.


I was 8 years old, young and dumb and i remember the 210kg dude in a wheelchair living on the ground floor below us. He had a wife and 2 young kids but all he would eat is fast food and deep fried shit. He was a wife beater and his wife was kind of forced to obey his fat ass commands. The dude got diabetic apparently a few years ago and he was on a wheelchair all the time, and for some reason, he was missing a left leg (down from his left knee to his toes were missing) and his other leg was extremely bruised and bleeding, looked like a road accident fresh from 1 hour ago. I asked his kids one day and they said that he was a pirate. Dumb enough at 8 to believe that, i thought he worked on a ship and got into an accident. Sometimes at night we would hear him scream his lungs out, cursing and being very loud from their house. At that point my parents had ordered the three of us not to go out and not to look out of the window. Funny thing, the neighbours would tell their kids the same thing. We wanted to look out but we didnt, as we were scared by that guy screaming.


In those moments, i remember a very distinct smell of death that went through the walls and ceiling. It smelled as something much worse than a dead raccoon, something so strong it left a cold feeling on your spine. The adults in the neighbourhood would go and visit that house and sometimes stay there for hours. The next morning our parents would tell us nothing. It was a complete mystery what was going on and as the months flew by, i assumed he was just sick or an alcoholic and was a wife beater. I never really understood what was going on until one day i was walking down the street to join my friends to play soccer, i noticed the dude sitting on a bench in an almost isolated spot in the sun and his wife and 2 kids were kind of shielding him from being seen. I couldnt see much but i did notice one of his kids holding a small bucket below his missing leg and a yellow stick was sticking out of his knee of the left leg. I immediately knew that was no pirate leg-stick, it was his fucking bone coming out of his knee and it was yellowish green in color, had oozing liquids coming out and his bone looked like powder was falling off from it into the bucket. The skin was black and yellow, bleeding and some weird looking burst open sores leaking plasma-like liquid. The other leg was maybe worse, didnt have a missing calf but the shape of the leg was deformed, as if something had been chewing at it for days. It had a huge black and yellow open flesh wound that stretched from the knee down to the ball of the foot. His right foot had shrunk down and looked grey with lot of grey dead skin all over it. I dont even think maggots would be able to live in that. The wife was applying some powder and cleaning the sores. When i saw his leg bone (that front bone on your lower leg that hurts when its struck) it seemed like it was splitting and could be seen from the wounds. At the same time, i got a whiff of that same smell of death and quickly understood where that smell came from all this time.


The guy was crying, clearly in pain and his kids and wife looked mortified. I didnt know what to do, i panicked for a second and headed back home trying to understand what i saw. My mom was at home that day and i told her what i saw and asked her questions. She looked disappointed and told me to ask my dad when he gets home. When my dad got home, i demanded the truth. He told me that fat dude was diabetic due to too much sugar in his food and soda that the thick blood somehow caused an artery damage that wasnt feeding blood to his left foot. That was a year ago and the foot started rotting and necrotizing tissue started to consume his foot. He went to the hospital but they were reluctant to do an amputation as they said his blood sugar was so high that there was a risk of the wounds from the amputation to necrotize as well, the only way is for him to start controlling his diet, lose weight and reduce sugar levels so that amputation could be done. But the fucker didnt, he went full retard on the sugar that later on his right foot started rotting even more and the gangrene started to spread even more on the other leg. Nobody really knows what happened to his foot and how it got cut off but the neighbours speculated that he was so angry about it that he cut it off himself with the help of his wife and kids.


Fast-forward a week later, we could hear him scream out loud again, except this time he was smashing things around and his kids were crying in terror. Even from a wheelchair we could hear him cursing the wife and hitting her with something. It became intolerable so our parents once again went down and luckily the door was unlocked. I remember my dad saying he has never seen so much blood and pus lying around and the horrible death smell made him gag a few times and once they restrained the guy, we called the ambulance. My dad and another neighbour went with him in the ambulance and apparently they found out that the necrosis has started to spread to his lower abdomen THROUGH HIS FUCKING THIGHS and could start attacking organs. His bone on his left leg was apparently powder, his kneecap was a powder like substance and they had to intervene immediately. 1 week later he was discharged from the hospital but had his whole left thigh amputated. Doctors mentioned to his wife that it had to be done to stop the spreading of gangrene but at the same time, his blood sugar was very high that there was a 95% chance the wound from the amputation would never heal and become gangrenous and would spread all over his body. Even my dad’s voice trembled as he was saying it, the whole neighbourhood had suffered a trauma from that incident.


Just a week later, we heard the yelling again but this time he was more violent and started throwing things out of the windows and smashing everything. He was in a lot of pain, his voice cracked as he was yelling. Once again, the adults in the neighbourhood were ready to go help again, but this time they saw the dude’s wife scram out of the door and she had a bloodied face and her kids were crying. She put them in their car and took off. We called the police and the ambulance, when they came they strapped him up. As they were loading him on the ambulance, he died on the spot. After the sudden calm, we all got out, all we saw was a dead body with a bloodied and oozing leg on a stretcher.


Today when we hear the word diabetes, we take it for granted that its bad. But when i hear it, it brings back this unforgettable trauma and is the reason i avoid sugar. That incident has left a scar on the neighbourhood, and in our minds. We heard about the wife and kids later on. The wife went into depression and died of some unknown disease. The kids were adopted by another family and we never heard from them again.