i dont think ive ever been so ashamed of something in my life

MISTER 101: Why do you do this?

I was posed the question this morning.. and while its come in different forms before, the way it was presented here struck a chord in me. So I figured it was time to take the chance to explain myself… because ultimately I am sure its something that peaks the interest of many who follow me.

THE BEGINNING

I remember every single detail about that night.

The way he stared at me made me uneasy at first, but after I realized it was an inquisitive spirit and not one that wanted to take advantage of me, I was put at ease. Being a college freshman from a small poor town having never met anyone outside of your bubble can be intimidating you know… 

So when he said: “Come with me, I have something to show you”.. I didnt think twice, because I had this burning suspicion that my life was about to change in an epic way.. and it did. 

It was most likely the space of 45 minute to an hour but it felt like a rebirth and a new beginning of timeline. As though in some form or fashion I broke away from the timeline I was living in and entered into an alternate existence. I felt alive and aware like I never had beforeI had become awakened. 

GROWING AGAIN

At that age and the first time away from home you can become influenced by man things. Especially when you basically grew up with nothing… its often sometimes hard to tell whats right and wrong. But there was something most definitely right in the almost daily sessions. The lectures… the teaching.. the observations….. the encouragement. It all came together like a familiar puzzle that you have put together a hundred times, but yet each time still seems fresh and new in some strange way. 

It was made clear to me above all else that the information I was being given was sacred. That it was to be used for ultimate benefit to others, and never to be abused. It was told and retold… emphasized and drilled.. I realized that I was being given the opportunity of a lifetime.

All those hours at the mall watching people… all those nights sitting in the corner taking mental notes as he worked over his subs in scene time.. all those extra hours in psychology and criminology classes for no reason but to learn everything I could about myself and why I was this way. All the munches and presentations and books…. all the time spent with rope in my hands… with another persons trust in my hands… with the power to make or break.. in my hands. 

“No matter what you do, always do it with an ultimate purpose. When she asks “Why?”, always have an answer… when she submits, always be grateful”

Even now I begin to tear up recalling those words being spoken into my right ear and the gentle touch on my shoulder. He was always so gentle with my ignorance… he was always very deliberate with his teachings. 

RESPONSIBILITY & RESTRAINT

Its one thing to dream, its another to dare, and its something completely else to dominate. Much like a prize fighter trains for his title fights, I trained for the moment when the reigns were handed to me and I given the humbling opportunity to be in control. 

That first time I snapped my fingers and she shuffled into position was breathtaking. I paused, lost concentration… and felt that tap on my shoulder. 

“Remember… this is a great gift thats been given to you. Treat it that way”

Focus was found again, and as she stared into my eyes my soul devoured everything within her, consumed it and knew exactly what she wanted. All those hours spun into seconds and my awareness burned like a phoenix rising from the dark depths of the ruins of my former life. 

I was a Dom… I AM a Dom… and at that moment I fully came into the realization of the great responsibility placed in my hands, and the restraint with which I was expected to always express. 

Everything was always to be many things… A chance to grow. A chance to teach. A chance to learn. A chance to enhance anothers life and bring about something within them that was much like what he saw in me that night. A chance to make sure that someones like would be set into forward motion and that progress & growth would be ultimate goal. 

“Never abuse this power.. never take advantage of anothers eagerness and hunger to become alive like you had”

And so I always set upon approaching every opportunity with this mantra in mind… yes, her submission is a gift, yes, she needs what I have and received myself, yes, she deserves to come alive.. to grow… to progress.. to be fully alive.

TIME WELL SPENT

And so through all the classes, the teaching, the meetings and munches.. through all the practical hands on, scene play, and so on… I became who I am.

“Never be complacent. When you stop learning, you have failed me”

These words cut me hard to the bone… even typiing them and hearing them in his voice in my head is like a punch in the gut to even think I would do such a thing. He gave me so much of his wisdom, knowledge and time that I shudder at the thought of ever grieving his spirit. 

WE ONLY HAVE WHAT WE REMEMBER

“you can never have any judgment… because you will always remember who you used to be”

Growing up I had nothing. My parents were busy, my older brother and his friends got a lot of joy out of making me a punching bag. At school I was ridiculed and taunted. Being fat and awkward and just wanting friends puts a target on your back the size of Texas. 

I was also a target in a different way by one of my brothers friends… and in the coldness of that damp basement one summer day he changed my life in ways that I both regret, feel ashamed of…  and feel blessed for. So then when my uncle did it again in my middle school years…. it seemed normal. 

But theres nothing normal about holding your fathers handgun to your head on a hot July day at the age of 12 and thinking theres nothing left in life. 

It was also at that early age words became powerful, important and valuable in great ways. 

“When you speak make it mean something, make it important. When you present yourself you are also presenting me”

After a botched love letter to a girl I had a crush on in which i misspelled the word “beautiful”, she decided to stand up and read the letter to the whole class and point out my mistakes. From that moment I decided that being well spoken was the key to success, and as such I began a path that not only saw me become a regional spelling bee champion… but also having aced English and rhetoric on the ACT college entrance exam.

I could have wallowed in my misery for those things that happened to me.. which are a minuscule part of my early life. But instead I made a choice.

I chose to do everything I could to get out of where I was and make sure that no one would ever take advantage of me in those ways again. I chose that instead of being codependent and weak and worthless… that there was a greater life outside of where I was and what was happening. 

Venerable actions

When you grow up having nothing, you either want everything or you form a respect for being simple.

In my case it became both and somewhere within my training I figured out that you could have everything you wanted with the most simple of actions. 

I knew that moment had arrived for me the night I was standing in front of a sub who was fully naked and in position… I was fully clothed and drinking tea and staring at her… And… doing nothing else. 

Within 5 minutes, cum had began to run down her inner thighs.

I had embraced the fullness of everything I had been taught. Everything I had yearned for.. all that time spent, those hours of tutelage, all that training had come into full fruition. And all I did was something simple.. drink tea and be myself.

A lot of people mistake my confidence for ego.

A lot of people think that the person I portray on my tumblr isn’t who exists in real life. 

“The respect you earn will be worth the most. Dont ever expect it. Just do what you know to do and it will come natural”

And with simple things, simple living, simple this simple that… everything becomes rather complex. Everything becomes vivid and deliberate. When you come to the table with  no expectations, you are rarely ever disappointed. When you have no expectations, you have no reason to judge. 

And how can I live without judgment… how is it that I understand and seem to be this giant lighthouse for everyone?

Experience breeds wisdom.

Been there, done that.

I know pain.. sorrow.. I know joy.. I know the depths at which life can take a person. I know what its like to want to die… to realize I should live. Ive been there… Ive been there when all hope seemed lost. Ive been there, shaking in the corner after being violated… Ive been there when all trust was lost. Ive been there when the indention of a gun barrell slowly fades from the skin in your temple. Ive been there when she waited a few seconds longer than I did… and squeezed. Ive been there… staring at the medication bottle and wondering what would happen… Ive been there holding a dying person in my arms who looked into my eyes and told me they were sorry. Ive been there when the police arrived.. Ive been there in the dead of night when you sit on your roof and stare at the stars and curse the sky. Ive been there.. on the floor with a bloody nose and sore ribs. Ive been there and watched it all slip away… 

And in every occurrence.. ive always looked forward. Ive always known that there was something better, that there was hope at the end.. its what keeps me motivated and going even today. Through the issues and the pain and the solitude, through the depths of my roadblocks.. it keeps me moving forward.

“Mistakes are opportunities. Always make the best of every one of them”

and so I do. Every mistake is a chance to improve. To be better tomorrow than I was yesterday.. and I do my best to bring those like me along for the journey.

So why do I do what I do?

Because this knowledge is sacred. because a promise made is a promise kept. Because when I was at my lowest, someone reached down into my grave and pulled me out and breathed new life into my lungs… 

I do this because I cannot sit by and watch anyone fall to the wayside. I cannot let those who were once like me be taken advantage of, and abused, and kicked around.. I cannot let this wisdom that was so graciously placed in me just rot away. 

I do this for every little.. and every daddy.. and every submissive.. and every kitten, puppy, piggy, slave, etc that exists within this beautiful culture and lifestyle that I have immersed myself in and grown within and fostered and found to be real and true. 

I do this because no one else will… no one else does.

The posts, the answers, the stories, everything… its all for you. YOU. Not for me… I am second within this great drama that is my tumblr. This is all for you and those will come after. 

Its the reason I read the stories.. because I know you need them for one thing or another. Its the reason I make the posts to teach and educate so you know better.. its the reason I give my time and sacrifice myself to be there no matter what. Its the reason I do what I do.. is because of all of you.

Thats why I am there. Yes there are thousands of you… thousands of strangers who come to me for everything and anything.

I saved someones life this week. I helped another on a date… i helped another choose special items for special time with their boyfriend. I helped someone else prevent an anxiety attack… I helped another prepare for a job interview.. and I did it all because I had to. I did it all because of the spirit inside of me that says I cant not do it….  

I do it all……for you……

…. because it was done for me.

im not ashamed sneak peak 3

a crude drawing of a hand with writing on all sides sits on a whiteboard. dots between words, a poorly drawn fish on each side, and colored pencil skills that should probably be much better if this movie took place in a high school, but in Im Not Ashamed Alternate Universe, everything is out of place.
“ive always been drawn to hands” the Christian Girl muses

“i think its because its the way that we touch people.” unlike a real high school, where everyone would look up and possibly jeer at this potential sexual innuendo, everyone remains painfully indifferent. you can feel the awkwardness in the room. one girl is fucking passed out on the table. jesus christ rachel, ever heard of a intruiging opening sentence?

the camera pans out to Dead Girl and the rest of the uninterested class. Everyone looks like they left high school 4 years ago, especially this one chap in the corner. My oh my that’s motherfucking Keurig Careless!!!!!!!! his hair: freshly shaven in true skinhead fashion, arms: fucking ripped to shreds, legs: stunted, face: 40 years old. he is picking at the callouses on his hands on top of a hilariously thin blue notebook. What The Fuck? Why is his notebook so thin. How come dead girl has 2 binders and a piece of paper and a pencil and everyone else has a single notebook? did she try to cram it all in in one class? i suppose this would be the best place next to study hall, because im guessing most Inspirational Life Changing Speeches in this class are just as boring

“compassion is the greatest form of love that humans have to offer” christian audience gasps at the wise-beyond-her-years rachel faux scott. actually compassion is one of the only forms of love u can offer but whatever floats your goat, Fakechel.

“I have this theory that if one person goes out of their way to show compassion, they can start a chain reaction”
thats so deep rachel!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! oh my god!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1 AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! hOLY shit!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

nazi and dildo’s heads perk up at the word “chain reaction”. nnnnyess huehueheuhehe,,,, that is what Wiiii are going to do,,, a chain reaxtion to Blow this SchooL up hehuehueheuhe. the audience screams in desperation and horror. perhaps? perhaps this speech will change their minds?? perhaps rachel will convert them to godliness… yes…

“how do you know that trust? beauty? and compassion wont make the world a better place to be in?”
this is the most generic pep talk ive ever heard? like, if someone put a gun to my head and told me to recite a speech that you would find in an american girl magazine so he could write a letter to win the affections of said gunman’s estranged daughter, this is the shit i would say.

“tomorrows not a promise… but its a chance…”
we see the teacher looking at her proudly. also theres a girl that looks Exactly like Rachel in the background looking at her? is that her force ghost or something

“.. you just might start a chain reaction”
she grins. shes such a deep thinker.

the students roll their eyes dramatically, not focusing on rachel whatsoever. well that was for nothing.
she continues smiling in the silence. uhh…

..

..

“and whats behind all this is my faith” she puts down her arms to reveal a huge-ass cross necklace. This is like, margaret white style shit. its probably as big as her palm? minimalism. minimalismmmmmm….

“im a christian!” she says, smiling. obviously. every girl that wears mormon clothes like that, cross necklaces, listens to britt nicole at maximum volume while walking through the hallways at school and crying whenever she sees someone dressed in black and calls them “lost souls” is a christian girl, okay? it’s like coming out in a high school nowadays like… everyone’s gay, rachel. every single person is gay so you can chill out.

they pan to the jock guy.

and then to dylan with his psycho stare

and then to eric with his condescending smoulder

“im not trying to be weird or convert anybody or anything like that HUEHEHE,,, i just wanna be real with you guys…. Dudes, i just wanna be Cool and Swag with u guys, Ya dig?? just tryin to kick it chilly willy with my brUhs, ya see what im sayin… and let u know who i is, dawgs”

she stares again at the indifferent class. see? nobody cared. she smiles awkwardly. the second hand embarrassment is slaughtering me. my fucking eyes. please. rachel.

“jesus gave his life for me… and i will give my life for him…………………………………………….

………

"just wanted to get that out there”

she takes her crude hand drawing and promptly returns to her chair.

“thank you rachel.” the teacher says. the audience is aware of her purity and innocence, but also strength and endurance.

rachel sits at her desk with a sigh, plopping her notes onto her table in preparation for the next speaker.

“up next we haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaveeeeeeee….”

“eric and dylan.”

they look up with her, eyebrows raised and knuckles cracked. this video will fucking destroy. this video will fuckin KILL BITCHES!!!

“lets watch their videyyoh… on how they would change the world…”

the teacher pops the dvd labeled “hitmen for hire” into the tape player. she turns off the lights and walks to the back of the class. the tv statics like some sort of Lost Episode creepypasta.

jeffrey dahmer sits on a chair, facing the viewers
“people are always bullying me, i dont like it”
he swirls the chair and two trenchcoated bad bitches walk into the view of the screen. 

Rachel’s disapproving and paranoid eyes rest on the screen, concerned about what this could be about…. this… this isn’t about changing the world for the better? what the heckeroni??’

the video plays in the background as twink nazi smiles condescendingly at rachel. bitch whatcha gonna do? we had to listen to your bullshit

“you know we cant have weahpons on the skewl grounds.. but if you can get them away, we’ll take em’ out for ya. for 2000$, we’ll get rid of them. permanently.”

a white hat nerd walks up the stairs, neandering around, listening to 50 cent in his headphones when suddenly

eric and dylan are pointing pvc-pipe guns at him!!! shitty sound effects play as the jock is defeated.

the classroom is slightly more alert, putting their hands over their mouths in Horrified Shock! , but dead girl is still, of course, dead.

gunshots ring through the room as rachel turns to the teacher “do we have to watch this?”

dylan does a finger gun at the television.

“no, we don’t.” the teacher says. “OOKAAAAAY i think we’ve seen enough!” the teacher yells, turning off the tv

“thaaaaat” dylan begins “would make the world a better place”

O.O

afterwords, rachel’s a-skippin up the stairs, smilin bright like a diamond, when suddenly, 

shes confronted by two trenchcoated figures, cloaked in the darkness of the stairs. they corner her and yell “what’s your problem? >:O”. love this. love how eric and dylan would probably go cry in their room if someone interrupted them, they wouldnt confront them. literally the only time they had balls in their ENTIRE LIVES was nbk, so they wouldnt confront rachel…. just Sayin….

“what?” :0

“i know you did that.” eric snarls

“did what?” :0

“i didnt stop your stupid jesus speech” HOly Shit!!!! boyyyyy HE SAID IT!!!!

dylan speaks up “you think youre better than us?

"no :O… no im not better than anybody.” wow and shes humble????? she has zero flaws omg i love her!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! mom i wanna be just like rachel when i grow up.!!!!!!

“oh i know youre not” he gets closer….. cloooserr….

they stare. lock eyes. dream weaver begins to play in the background…

“i gotta get to class.” she stutters, holding back tears.

“youre just like aaahll the others” dylan jeers, striking her in her single nerve,,,, her utter originality,,

“compassion!” eric says “yeah thatll work!!!” wow what a fucking demon??/ what a devil gosh darn!!!!!!!!! i hope he dies at the end of the movie. i hope Both of them die at the end of the movie. that’d make this movie have the BEST ENDING EVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ill pray abt it hold on!

the scene fades to black

machiavellianfictionist  asked:

Please give me more ML fic recommendations! I know we have similar taste because I love Truthful Scars and I just left a kudos in Sunshine and noticed the last person to do that before me was you. Thanks!

TIME TO GO THROUGH MY AO3 HISTORY

this is a huge rec holy hell

Sunshine by giratinas - Adrien feels a little warmer than usual when he looks at Marinette today. It’s probably just the summer heat, nothing to worry about. Right? (Rated E)

first day of my life by belligerent - Gamer AU where Ladybug and Chat Noir meet each other beta testing a video game. (Rated T. A personal favorite!)

Intense [Like Camping] by kali_asleep - It was supposed to be the perfect graduation trip: four days, just the four of them, camping in the forest.But things just don’t work out that way for Adrien and Marinette. As it turns out, the only thing worse than an accidental reveal is an accidental reveal in the middle of nowhere. (Rated T)

Too Real by PearLynn - She knows that her hormones will be the end of her, sooner or later. And with the way Chat is looking at her now, she knows it will be sooner. (Rated E)

Truthful Scars by frostedpuffs - Adrien Agreste has never been an expert in controlling his emotions. When feelings for his classmate in pigtails begin to arise, he can’t stop himself from seeing her any chance he gets—even when wearing a pair of cat ears and a black tail. Yet with all budding romances comes the inevitable (and quite unintentional) hurt, leaving Marinette to question her loyalty to Adrien all while contemplating why exactly Chat Noir is so good at making her cheeks burn and sending her heart into a beating frenzy. (Rated T. shoving my own fics in here lmao)

We Need To Talk by frostedpuffs - Adrien and Marinette have been together for nearly five months now. When an akuma attacks hits the school and Marinette can’t get away to transform quick enough, Chat Noir comes to her rescue, but does something Marinette would have never, ever expected. (Rated G)

this is home by clairelutra (exosolarmoon) - Marinette hadn’t thought he’d take the news so well. (Rated T)

Heat Wave by pamplemousses - A unbearable heat wave hits Paris, and Marinette can’t help but complain how hot her shared room with Adrien is at the moment. (Rated T)

Snuggle Bug by imthepunchlord - In the winter time, ladybugs slow down to hibernate, and have been known to stowaway inside homes for warmth. Marinette is no different. As a true, sleepy and cold Ladybug, she’ll latch onto anything that moves. And is warm. (Rated G. ABSOLUTELY ADORABLE ANOTHER PERSONAL FAVORITE)

did you get my message? by mazberrypie - After a long night of working on some designs, Marinette doesn’t do a very good job of checking who she is texting.

Dance in the Dark by MisterDoctorProfessorPatrick - Chat Noir decides to pay his princess a visit, but since black cats are hard to see in the dark, he overhears a little more than he might have expected. (Rated E)

Freckles, Dots, and Ladybug Spots by caibi - He traced the spots on her skin like they were parts of a constellation; little stars that would light the way. He didn’t know he’d follow the trail to the one he’d been meant to find.

Without You by Inkkerfuffle - The apartment is far too quiet now, far too lonely and cold now that Adrien had moved out. It’d been one week since he had finally taken all his stuff and moved away, and it’d been six days since Marinette had finally gathered the courage to set foot back inside the home they once shared. It just wasn’t supposed to end like this. In fact, it wasn’t supposed to end at all. (Rated T. IT HURTS SO MUCH BUT IT’S WORTH IT)

Telltale by Zizzani - It all starts with a simple injury, but slowly Ladybug begins to really see who Chat Noir is, and Adrien begins to see Marinette… (Rated T)

The Consequences of Midnight Makeouts by Faequeen40 - Marinette has a very distinctive hickey and it seems like the universe is out to get her. (Rated T)

I Do? by SKayLanphear - Marinette and Adrien are getting married! Unfortunately, Adrien is bothered by the fact that he didn’t invite Ladybug, while Marinette gets cold feet every time Chat Noir flits through her head. A story of mixed up love, rash mistakes, and two oblivious superheroes who should have figured things out a long time ago. (Rated T. IT HURTS SO MUCH… IT HURTS SO MUCH)

The Date by Magical_Awesome_Kid - They had a simple deal: one date. Chat had one date to sweep Ladybug off her feet. If she still didn’t like him in that way at the end of the day, he’d give up his attempts altogether. Ladybug took the deal, knowing that her heart belonged to another.But we know them too well. (Rated G)

Cat Nap by madasthesea - Marinette, upon being woken from a nap by Adrien, recognizes his voice. But not as Adrien. He can’t help but tease her about it. (Rated G)

The Hazard of Being a Baker’s Daughter by konekat - One night while on patrol, Adrien notices flour in Ladybug’s hair. When Marinette complains about the flour from her dad’s bakery the next day at school, he starts to get suspicious. (aka “The Flour Reveal Fic”) (Rated G)

Pas de Chance by InsanitySilver - A July night finds Paris tossed into chaos and two heroes scrambling for shelter. Ladybug takes Chat Noir to the only safe place she knows: home. (Rated G)

Try and Try Until You… by sarahcada - In which Adrien and Marinette fight to protect their wedding night. (Rated M)

perfect fit by Lee_Mix - Sometimes wearing your heart on your sleeve isn’t the best thing. It’s a good thing Marinette is a designer–trim out the excess, and display it proud for everyone to see. - Aka: Marinette’s crush on Adrien is revealed to the entire class, and Chat Noir is surprisingly good at giving love advice. (Rated G)

boom, clap (the sound of my heart) by chassecroise (rhapsodyinpink) - You can learn a lot of things about someone during a thunderstorm. Sometimes even more than you bargained for. (A post-Jackady Ladrien/Adrinette one-shot) (Rated T. honest to god im in love with this)

The Blushing Game by amiraculousladybug - What starts out as an innocent game escalates into something more for our two Parisian heroes. (Rated T)

sugar, sugar by Mooncactus - After discovering the identity of the man making his and Ladybug’s life a living hell, Chat Noir overworks himself to the point of exhaustion - and dangerously low blood sugar levels. (Rated T)

Blind by PearLynn - Out of all the scenarios she played out in her head, the few where she and Chat magically hooked up for some unknown reason, she never imagined being blindfolded. (Rated E)

Until I lose count by Baneismydragon - Adrien hadn’t planned on kissing Marinette. He certainly hadn’t planned on doing it more than once. He DEFINITELY didn’t plan on doing it repeatedly while hiding behind the comfortable anonymity of his alter ego. But some habits are very hard to break, especially when the more times you do something, the less you want to stop. (Rated T)

Food For the Soul by ParadiseAvenger - “Why don’t you come by during the day and buy sweets like a normal person?” Marinette fixed him in place with her blue eyes, roving over his black cat suit. “Why don’t you come dressed as a normal person?” she added. Adrien barked a little wry laugh. “Let’s just say I can’t,” he said and forced himself not to elaborate. (Rated T)

My Last Thoughts are of You by SKayLanphear - When a freak accident sends Marinette into critical condition, the only thing she can think about is Chat Noir. She wasn’t going to make it and someone had to tell him. Otherwise, he’d never know what had happened to her–why his lady had never returned. And, as it just so happens, Adrien is there with her near the end, so she decides that he can take the message to Chat just as well as anyone. (Rated T. oUCH OUCH OUCH OUCH  THIS IS THE ONE AND ONLY FIC THAT HAS EVER MADE ME CRY A LOT OKAY I WAS ALMOST SOBBING)

The Bakery by cyansea - Marinette Dupain-Cheng’s life used to revolve around the bakery her family worked at, but with all of the things going on in her life, it’s become the least of her worries. When Ladybug mentions she likes the Tom & Sabine Boulangerie Patisserie, she doesn’t think anything will come of it.

“Dean Winchester.”

“Castiel Novak,” Castiel introduces himself in return, firmly shaking the hand he has been offered, “As my boss has probably already informed you, I will be your new bodyguard.”

“Will you?” Dean questions as he raises an eyebrow, unimpressed in a way that speaks of many years of experience with new bodyguards. Not that Castiel looks particularly unpromising – there have been many who have made a worse first impression, looking as though they were only in it for the money or the prestige of being able to call Dean Winchester their employee –, but also not particularly promising. Truthfully, he almost seems to have walked right out of a fashion photo shoot or some old-timey mafia movie, what with the snugly fitting suit and the tousled hair, but not out of a well-renowned personal protector agency.

Still, he will have to do for now. Dean is about to go on a campaign that will lead him through many events and meetings that have been set up to promote familiarity and intimacy with his possible voters, meaning that he will have to get up close and personal with them. Having more than one bodyguard – or one who looks more like one and less like Novak – with him would interfere with the whole ‘I’m one of you, vote for me’ vibe he’s going for, and it’s not like there’s any time left to choose another guard for himself. Not with his campaign starting tomorrow.

Castiel does nothing more than to quirk one corner of his mouth at Dean’s pointed question and tilt his head to the side just so. “Unless you have any objections.” There’s not even a challenge in his words or eyes, just calm reassurance and a frankly impressive ‘I don’t give a fuck either way’ attitude.

It drives a small shiver down Dean’s spine, one that’s not entirely unpleasant, and has him sigh in resignation.

“No,” he waves him off, although he already feels himself regretting his decision,“none.”

Keep reading

shenanigansintime  asked:

Please tell me more about why you like sheith, I'm very curious to hear the rest of it.

(alright luckily i had the beginning of this saved elsewhere when tumblr just randomly sent it early so imma just begin by pasting. also spoilers for voltron s4 obv) 

the original ask was something like “curious why u like sheith? ive thought abt it and i think i prefer klance”

rubs hands 2gether Thank U for Asking

first of all, thats chill! if klance is ur thing, fuckin go for it my dude, have a great time with that shit. the fandom’s huge and theres tons of content. im all for ppl shippin what they want and im not here to tell someone to ship or not ship something. if u do truly want to know why im a sheith tho, buckle the fuck up cause im awash in sheith feelings at every moment and i got Things 2 say

alright so the main thing with sheith is that it feels real healthy and good. (well it did. things are weird this season bc shiro may or may not be a clone but up until his disappearance at least.) they’re rly good abt checking in with each other to see how the other one’s doing and feeling, and they lean on each other a lot for support. they also treat each other as equals and respect each other’s choices (again, with minor exceptions in the current season). they got that good good hidden backstory together. they got that good good star crossed lovers thing goin on where the universe keeps ripping them apart, fucking them over and tossing them back together more fucked up than before and my dude i Eat That Shit UP. also that good good height difference. the show gives them lots of moments where they’re either alone in a room together havin a private moment or havin an equally private moment in front of the whole fuckin team where fuckin everybody can see them (like the first Hug tm). they’re openly physically intimate with each other (which keith is not with anyone else) and they’re not like. ashamed of that. there’s so much canon content i cry daily. 

here lemme break it down

we know they knew each other in the garrison, and not just like in passing, like acquaintances, but enough that keith was the only person there to see shiro off when the kerberos mission launched. in s1ep1 lance says of shiro “omg that guys my hero” and of keith “you’re my rival” but neither shiro nor keith know who lance even fuckin is. bc presumably they didnt hang out. everyone in the garrison knows who keith and shiro are but they - keith especially it seems like - dont keep track of the other students. also theres this whole fanon thing where shiro and matt were best friends in the garrison and hung out all the time before kerberos, but in s4 when matt greets shiro hes incredibly stiff and awkward and calls him sir and shiro just goes “pidge never gave up on u buddy” which i guess could be a clone thing but could also be him bein like “i totally did give up on u tho, whatever” (and i can totally buy that considering how pidge’s whole personal arc this whole time has been looking for matt and their dad, and while shiro has been supportive of that, he’s also been like hey dude that’s not our top priority as a team). so from that i infer that matt and shiro werent best buds in the garrison, and that he must have spent a lot more of his time with keith bc in s2ep1 keith makes it clear that shiro made a significant impact on his life and that he still thinks about things shiro said to him before kerberos. which we havent seen. bc theyre hiding the pre-kerberos backstory from us and i cry. also their flashbacks in s1ep2 (i think, i dont exactly remember which ep but i think its that one) when they all put on the headsets and we see their fondest memories, shiro’s is the day they were separated and keith’s is the day they found each other again like jesus.

then there’s keith’s first scene in the show. the first thing we see him doing is kicking the shit out of like three garrison guys to rescue shiro. we get that close up of him touching shiro’s unconscious fuckin face and his first line in the whole show is him saying shiro’s name. like shit dude how am i supposed 2 not ship that. the first time keith and lance interact, its lance butting in on that moment and keith being like “who the fuck are u” and its. uncomfortable. we also know that keith has been livin alone in the desert and obsessing over these lion carvings bc he got kicked out of the garrison for basically insubordination sometime after shiro went missing. we get that scene in the shack where keith talks abt feeling lost until shiro showed up and everyone else in the room looking all confused and uncomfortable as these two dudes who clearly already know each other well and have been separated for like a year just stare into each other’s eyes or what the fuck ever. also the scene outside the shack where keith comes and finds shiro and puts a hand on his shoulder and asks him how hes doing - theyre alone for that part. also worth mentioning is that keith has no hesitation touching shiro’s galra tech arm, whereas lance hesitates before shaking his hand. we see a bunch of times that keith is touch averse with almost everyone except shiro, in a way that indicates a degree of prior familiarity and a good understanding of boundaries that keith hasnt had the time or inclination to set up with lance, hunk, pidge, allura, coran etc. also the one time he holds lance when sendack attacks the castle and lance is unconscious, lance sort of blows it off later and basically goes “no homo” when keith brings it up so that was a bummer

i also love some of the Pauses they put into shiro and keith’s dialogue, some of them are just. so choice. like when keith proposes a crazy plan that puts him in danger and shiro just takes a sec, closes his eyes, then goes “alright i’ll back u up, do what u gotta do” like!!!! boi!!!!!! thats good shit. also in s2ep9 during the blade of marmora trial when keith is basically having this nightmare about shiro rejecting him because of his connection to the galra, (which real actual shiro can see because this whole ep was a fuckin fanfiction) and he does that same thing where hes like “shiro… *pause, close eyes for Just a sec* you’re like a brother to me” which! by the way!! i have said the same thing!! to a friend i had a crush on!!! who was straight!!!! and i was a little baby who didnt know i was into girls yet and we used to say we were like sisters bc i? didnt know i?? was gay???? we shared her bed whenever i stayed over and she really did see me as a sister and i would just lie next to her and daydream about touching her boobs,, anyway keith is so relatable there i could yell forever but continuing on,

can we, real quick, talk abt the first time keith flies the black lion? bc in s2ep1 hes not the black paladin yet. real shiro is still around. and keith legit goes up to black, puts a hand on her big ole nose and goes “ur boi is in trouble, we gotta help him” and she goes “yeah dude hop in” like?????????????? thats some fanfic shit again! black Knows! also dont even talk to me abt how many times keith and shiro yell each others names in that ep its unreal. also the trope (that i eat the fuck up every time) of one member of the otp lying trapped and injured somewhere and talking to the other member of the otp thru a helmet comm or whatever and they cant see each other but they can hear each others voices, so they have to keep talking to like reassure each other they’re both still alive and okay?!!! im such a sucker for that shit!!!! ummmmm the fact that shiro keeps reassuring keith that hes fine when theres a gaping glowing wound in his side and hes like visibly in pain, clenching his teeth, eyes closed, groaning, sweat beading on his forehead, the whole fuckin thing?? and josh knocked it outta the park with shiro’s voice in that ep making him sound like he was trying not to sound hurt and exhausted so that keith wouldn’t worry too much like Fuck me up!! smiling thru the pain when keith talks abt how much shiro changed his life and made him a better person??? boi!!!!!

then there are the times when shiro talks abt something happening to him and keith taking over as voltron’s leader, and keith gets all panicked about it like he cant stand the thought of losing shiro again (this happens a bunch of times but the ones that are coming to mind are s2ep1 and s2ep9 bc. again. those are the fanfic episodes). and then he Does lose him again and he’s so clearly grieving, lashing out at the rest of the team, super obviously feeling shiro’s loss more than the others (and lance is a real dick about it a bunch of times which really rubbed me wrong), going out to look for him over and over bc he wants to believe so bad that shiro’s out there somewhere. omg the “please no” when the black lion accepts him that shit Fucked me right up!! he wants to honor shiro’s wishes!! but some part of him knows that’s like admitting that shiro’s gone and isn’t coming back. and then!!!!!! when they find kuron and its just the red lion and the galra ship floating alone in space just like. gently drifting toward each other. keith’s little tired smile there. fuck me up. and then we find out in the next scene that keith has been the only one in shiro (kuron)’s room while he’s recovering and shiro (kuron) hasnt bothered to shave or cut his hair or get dressed yet and he lets keith see him like that and not the rest of the team. fuck. keith looks Exhausted in that scene. hes got bags under his eyes, hes kinda hunched in on himself, arms crossed, like something in him Knows this isnt his boi but he wants to believe it’s him so bad and its. god. its a lot. and Then when hes turning to leave and kuron is like “how many times will u have to save me before this is over” and keith’s face just relaxes into this legitimately genuine smile when he says “as many times as it takes” like!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! fuck me

this is where it starts gettin awkward with them bc kuron isnt shiro and he doesnt treat keith the way shiro would but he Tries, like after keith fucks up that one mission and kuron comes and finds him (again, in private) to touch his shoulder and be like “im proud of u boi” when keith clearly Did Not Do A Good Job and keith just looks bummed like “thats. thats not tru” and it Hurts me bc we know real shiro doesnt do fake praise. also kuron orders keith to put himself in danger more than once and doesnt give a shit that keith and the others get hurt because of it which also real shiro would never do - we’ve seen him react when his teammates take hits before, but especially keith, like during the bom trial. then theres s4ep1 where keith sort of drifts away from team voltron in order to do more stuff with the blade of marmora and everyone’s pissed at him but then as hes walking out kuron’s like “you know we’re here for you if you need us” and keith gets that soft smile again like “i know and i cant tell you how much that means to me” and then they do that good good hand clasp that turns into a hug which by the way is a stark contrast to when other people hug keith and they just kinda grab him and he goes all stiff and it takes him a sec or three to put his arms around them if he even does that at all - with shiro they do the hand clasp first and then walk into the hug together and keith buries his face in shiro’s fuckin shoulder and smiles and closes his eyes and i wanna die. and theyve done this twice now which makes me think they probs did it before kerberos too and that also hurts me. 

then theres s4ep6 where keith has gone the whole season feeling like he was a bad leader. it seems like voltron doesnt rly need him and his friends dont need him and shiro doesnt need him and hes been hanging with the bom who have their whole philosophy of not going back to rescue their own guys if it means putting the mission or the rest of the team in danger (which keith already was saying when allura was captured - how very galra of him) and now keith’s having to readjust to that mindset after being part of such a close knit team. so when he sees a way to take that shield down, he just fuckin goes for it. hes started to see himself as expendable. when shiro thinks hes about to die, we get all kinds of flashbacks, the first of which is him and keith alone outside the shack. there are no flashbacks with keith. he just closes his eyes. and shiro (kuron) congratulates him. like obv its before he knows what keith was about to do, but still, thats some fucked up shit. 

now this wasnt rly part of ur question, ie u didnt ask me how i felt abt klance, but i feel like i gotta say: lance just grates on me. im sorry i know lots of people who love him but he just. isnt my cup of tea. and i do think the relationship shown in the show between keith and shiro is a lot more mature and healthy than the one shown between lance and keith. lance has some good moments! but canon lance and fanon lance seem like two entirely different people to me a lot of the time and thats all cool and fine if ur lookin for that, again im not here to stop ppl from having fun, but there are so many good sheith moments in the show and im just glad to see the relationship between two dudes depicted that way regardless of whether it becomes canon or not. also lance in the show is only shown being attracted to girls, and in kinda a skeevy way - like ive met guys who treat me like that and been Very off-put by that kind of behavior. and it would put me off if after all that they got him together with keith. like hes just superficially interested in all these hot girls but keith, who he has very few heartfelt intimate moments with onscreen, is his True Love? like thats,, not good bi rep. i Do rly like the bond hes been building with allura since they switched lions, that seems like its going in a direction that could turn out to be very wholesome and sweet. but again, if klance is ur thing, by all means have a ball.

k that was a lot but tl:dr i like 2 cry and sheith provides me with lots of opportunities to do that,, if u read it all then thank u deeply and truly for ur attention, u probs Understand me as a person a bit better than before lol

The BBA: Past and Future

Hey everybody!

First off I’d like to say thank you very much for following - you are my very first blog followers, and I am flattered that you are interested in what I might have to post on here.

One of the reasons I never had a blog before (besides being inherently terrible at keeping up with stuff, even basic human tasks like laundry and dishes) is that I was never quite sure what I’d say.

I think the majority of people know my name with its connection to The Blackblood Alliance, so maybe it makes sense for my first post If I explain a little why I discontinued the project in the first place, and now why I think it’s worth picking back up again to run in a new direction with it.

The first book I ever bought for myself was White Fang. I read the shit out of that book. And I always was a fan of sequential art. Calvin and Hobbes was an enormous influence on me (I mean wasn’t it for everyone?) and one day, around 17 years ago I started drawing my own adventure comic. I didn’t have any “real life” friends, but I had internet friends (yeah, i was on the net super young) and so I brought us together on the page. And oh yeah we were dogs. Because dogs.

Notice that this is page 92. Every day I would sit there and just draw whatever came into my head. No planning, no “plot”. I eventually started to bore myself with coming up with “ok who pops out at them after they spend a few panels walking and shooting the shit?” and dropped it to entertain myself with god knows what other weird passion struck me at the moment.

I spent a few years doing “funnies” for small local publications, like the highschool newsletter and the Newsletter of the dogsledding organisation I was involved with.

“Stumpet and Meep” was about an obsessive white pomeranian with a dark imagination who was in love with her owner. “Kaltag” was about friendless, clumsy sleddog who is terrible at his job and collects Last Place trophies because Hey It’s Something.

The vast majority of these were 3 to 4 panel strips and are lost to the ages (probably for the best, I have always been terribly unfunny) but here are a couple that I still have.

In the one above, I found that I quite enjoyed the more “serious” panels of Meep’s world as a wolf. So I thought maybe I should explore that.

I grabbed stack of printer paper and a pencil and sat on the bed and again, no plot or ideas or plan, drew this:

At this point I had a Deviantart account so started posting this up for my (again internet) friends who played Furcadia and were also interested in wolves, and the rest is history.

A while later, a reader did some fanart for me. I liked it so much (especially her beautiful environment painting) that I asked her if she would like to team up with me. Together we redid my old pages to make some prettier stuff. For comparison, here is one of the last pages we produced:

We were definitely producing something that looked pretty good, if I may say so myself. I was never ashamed at how our work looked. But as we went along I became aware of a fatal flaw in the work: I was still writing page-to-page, flying by the seat of my pants. No real plan for anything that was happening. No arcs for any of the characters. Readers waited for sometimes MONTHS for the next page, most patiently, some not, because I was wringing my hands trying to decide what was going to happen on that page.

At this age - I think I was around 17 or 18, I was really impatient with fans and critics alike. I snarked at people who copied my designs too closely and I’d react defensively to criticism. I’d also be outright rude to people I thought were stupid. My public persona stirred up enough dirt that a small pocket of vocal haters cropped up, and then grew. Someone made an Encyclopedia Dramatica page about me, someone went through and altered all the speech bubbles in the comic in a parody, and people were trolling my Deviantart daily, telling me how terrible I was and wishing cancer upon me, etc etc. Amidst all this though, there was always a large number of people who just straight up liked the work and just wanted to see the next page, but somehow I tuned that out and only seemed to notice the hatred.

Offline I was dealing with social anxiety, bad relationships, an eating disorder, and dropped out of college. When my mom was diagnosed with terminal cancer I left my job too. The online pressure on top of all that was getting to be just too much - I was avoiding facing the internet - didnt check email or deviantart or my forum that I’d started where hundreds of members roleplayed in my fantasy wolf universe. People were trying to get a hold of me saying the moderators I had in place were doing crazy stuff to eachother, not to mention just tons of member drama I didnt understand, didnt know how to solve, and just didnt want to deal with.

A typical artist, my greatest fear is of failure. Things weren’t looking too good, I hate myself, everyone hates me, my work is headed nowhere, so why try? Failure is embarrassing. Better not to try and no one see your face, no one know your name, no one see your ugly messy attempts than to try and fall short and be shamed.

When my mother passed away, I lost any stability I had in my life and just broke. I was stuck in a deep mire of depression and never touched comic work again.

Blah blah ok enough life story bullshit. Im not writing any of this stuff to be felt sorry for by the way. I think a lot of people experience things like that - it isn’t anything special. I just want you to know why I suddenly stopped a project that a lot of you I presume had some sort of interest in. So there is all is, the honest truth about it.

In short though Ive spent the 5 years getting my shit together. I think I’m finally there, in a good place.

So what does one ideally do when youve found a good place? Do what you love, I think. And I really love making comics.

I considered starting an entirely different universe, in a different time period with different characters that were different animals. And yeah, I still want to make animal comics, not people comics, because I like talking animals and there aren’t enough of them in comics and graphic novels. Superheroes still dominate.

But even if I didn’t like the story details, I always liked the Blackblood Alliance world, and I think thats what other people liked too. Abandoning that forever seemed sad. So I decided that it needed to be what I worked on next.

I can’t just pick up BBA where I left off because I want to make something that lives up to the high standards I hold myself and my work to. I see clearly now that The Blackblood Alliance’s production was flawed, and I can’t unsee that. It needed direction. I’ll spare you the details but I learned a lot about the value of planning, organization and direction from my last job. I think I can apply what I’ve learned to a new approach for The Blackblood Alliance. 

And I’m not gonna lie, the constant outpouring of support from lovers of the BBA is where I draw a lot of my confidence, inspiration and motivation to continue its development.

I am very flattered that after all these years, you are following me and still have interest in seeing what happens next.

On my DA I will be chronicling the visual concepts and storyboards for BBA production. I will put those things on this blog as well, but I will also include more in-depth writing regarding planning and development process. I will always be open to questions, criticism and feedback, so feel free to contact me through DA. 

Thanks again for your continued support. I dont know where’d I’d be without it!

~Kay