just some personal thoughts...
im literally at a point where i no longer am okay with putting religion or culture before my own well being. obviously this affirmation is one that is newly concrete in my mind, so it will take a while for me to fully be able to internalize it and replace the self destructive thought processes i’ve had…basically all my life.
not to get dark but sometimes i feel like it’s impossible for me to truly convey the amount of hurt and pain ive experienced growing up, and even more so how ive had to endure it all alone. i couldnt tell anyone about anything bcs then…id be found out.
I was a walking corpse that was animated by the pure fear of showing that there’s something wrong bcs then I’d be found out. Like in what fucking world is that analogy something an 8-12 year old would need to understand let alone experience and live as.
and honestly its made my relationship with god so difficult and emotionally taxing. on one hand i trust and believe that no god would be okay with all of what ive been through, and what many like me have been through. on the other hand, its difficult reconciling that when everyone around you, in your own community, your friends, family, say the exact opposite. “they should be killed/tortured/murdered/etc” are all sentiments that were said, heard, and internalized as if they were absolute truths. and quite frankly: what the actual fuck is wrong with everybody?
i truly feel no true affiliation or obligation towards anyone except like…..North African lgbt folk lmfao like at this point im really tired of everyone else. i hate how western lgbt folk love championing their way of living as if it is something to aspire to. fuck yall lmfao especially white westerners im so tired of them. i dont wanna assimilate into your culture. like truly nobody will understand my own experiences like other lgbt north africans. and i say this excluding the rest of the greater middle east bcs arabs and levantines are a bunch of antiblack racists. i truly dont believe in the idealized vision the lgbt community where all queers of every race somehow get along, just like i dont beleive int he idealized vision of the muslim community. both these communities have so much hate and stupidity in them lmao.
idk man like….im just tired of everyone and everything. i just want to put out love and positivity into the universe and receive the same.