How can a man that loves a woman make bruises on her? How can a man that loves her even do such a thing? I don't wanna be hit by no man I want cuddles and kisses and love. What is wrong with women that want to be hurt or beaten? Why do they want him to hit them?? I'm trying to understand why... if he is willing to hit or beat her is he abusive? What's abuse if it's not? Should a woman be okay with this? I'm a little having trouble understanding... I was beaten as a child and never want that.
I am really glad you asked this question, and I would encourage you to examine and process my answer with an open mind.
The thing to understand about BDSM in the first place is that its an adult kink. One in which most (ALL SHOULD) engage in with complete consent and respect for each other. It doesnt always happen that way, but the base and core of the old code dictates that it should. Its much more than leather and whips and chains… its much more than some 50 shades of garbage or terribly made porno would have you believe.
Some of the key elements that go along with what we call “Impact play”, that is what you describe above in loose terms, are things I would invite you to investigate more after you have finished reading this.
Consensual Non Consent
An element in which the parameters of the relationship and the scene (or playtime) is discussed ahead of time between the individuals. Basically what it means in simple terms is that the couple agrees to what will and wont happen and ACT as if the submissive in the relationship has no say in anything, no will, gives up their power, etc. to the Dominant. This should always come with the safe word option, that is.. the word that will bring an end to the activity and cause it to immediately come back to “vanilla” (the plain common worlds way) and then aftercare and such can be administered. This usually only exists during scene play, casual encounters of playtime, and in Master/slave relationships.
And yes it can be done the wrong way.. just as anything else in our lives and relationships can be. It can cause harm, it can cause mental and emotional damage, it can be abused… but so can anything in vanilla relationships
TOTAL POWER EXCHANGE
No two BDSM relationships are the same.Each has their own ways, rules, etc… but we all share common elements. You may also sometimes see the relationship referred to as D/s (Dominant/submissive) and with that, there are several… flavors we could call them.. of those relationships. The most extreme of which are Master/slave in which the “slave” gives up all and total rights.
But guess what… she does this willingly and of her own consent and control. These kinds of relationships usually come with preconceived contracts at the start, and clauses within those contracts that also include safe words for extreme situations. When the submissive or slave decides to give up complete power to her Dominant she is expressing that she also has total and complete trust in this person to care for her every need, fill her every desire and give her what she needs to feel whole
What she needs to feel whole is hers and hers alone. That could be anything from a daily spanking, to being tied to the porch and left for 8 hours a day. Thats her kink. her will. her desire… and she places those things in his hands with the trust that he can then reciprocate what it takes to please her.
Kinks can stem from various things
The world of psychology, anthropology and human studies is going to tell you a lot of things in regards to why people act the way they do and like what they like.
Just because a woman enjoys being spanked, doesnt mean she likes being slapped in the face. Just because she likes being slapped in the face doesnt mean she sees it as abuse.
A good portion of littles in the DD/lg and CG/l portion of the kink are the way they are because of things that happened in the past. More often things that happened just after the last time they felt safe and innocent. This is why you will see them talk about having a little age.. or more technically, a regression age.
regression therapy has been used since as long as anyone can remember in therapy and psychology in order to get the root of certain issues in people and then expose them to be able to begin the therapeutic process. Its nothing new, and the kink side of things uses it as many things… for kink, for coping, for safety and security… like I said, no two relationships in this lifestyle are the same. No two submissives, Dominants, slaves, littles, pets, etc are the same either… even if we all share commonalities.
Part of the kink is whats called IMPACT PLAY
Impact play in its most simple form is the use of physicality during scene play (playtime, sex, intimate time, etc)
This involves everything from spanking, to paddling, to flogging, slapping, objectification, and more. Basically anything that involves physical interaction in a way that isnt vanilla sex.
But again, realize this… its something that is talked about, agreed to, worked out and planned in advance. If it isnt, that’s rape. Not to be confused with rape play, which again, is just like impact play in that its agreed upon and worked out ahead of time with safety, limits and a safeword.
These are playtimes that involve the consent of both (or more) parties involved. And it is in no way shape or form about abuse.
The submissive asks the Dominant to do these things. And he does them because he loves her. He wants to fill her needs, he wants to see her be pleasured. And just because she derives that pleasure from taking a swat with a paddle or having hot wax poured on her… doesnt make her or the action wrong.
You might like to race cars, or eat spaghetti, or build dollhouses or whatever and if someone else doesnt get their pleasure from those things, they still dont have the right to tell you what to enjoy or how to enjoy it.
Just in the same way, no one has the right to tell her that enjoying the paddle or the saint andrews cross is wrong. Because its what she wants. Its what she consented to. Its how she copes, gets pleasure, gets the release she needs from stress of life and so on and so forth.
Taking the paddle is no different than being a quarterback in the NFL
One of the reasons a boxer becomes a boxer is because he enjoys the risk of being punched and hurt. But he also enjoys the rush and the feeling it gives him when said actions occur.
To put things in better perspective: Force = mass x acceleration
A good paddle is made of solid wood. Usually a quarter inch to half inch thick, with at least a 4 inch wide blade, and a 2 foot long paddle face. In the hands of an average built Dom, a paddle will hit the bottom of a submissive with roughly 800 lbs of force, traveling anywhere from 30 to 40 mph before strike at its most powerful swing. The bottom (depending on its size) takes a certain amount of the force and works as a shock absorb-er, rifling the waves of impact down her legs and up her spine and across her body . … and leaves considerable bruising, and gives her a full body experience she cannot get otherwise.
An NFL quarterback who is moving at a rate of about 10 mph away from his aggressor will take a tackle from a 250lb man with an impact of 1000 lbs of force at comparably 6G’s of speed.
Why do I compare the two?
Because both are consensual. Both are risk. Both have reward. Both are known about before hand, and both are beneficial to the parties involved. Is it wrong for the quarterback to willingly step into an arena where he knows the risk of being tackled and injured by a man much larger than him exists? and without a safe word to tell him to stop.
Then why is it wrong for a consenting woman who is actually in control of her situation to do the same?
Note: This section will contain facts from scientific studies, college courses, medical journals, doctoral papers, and sports medicine. These are things that I learned from college courses and the papers and studies that went into them.
The health benefits of activities that involve placing stress on the body (like high impact excersize and extreme sports) are enormous. In the same way, a good spanking can deliver a parallel experience to doing the Insanity workout.
Among the fact that the endorphin rush, dopamine enhancement, and feeling of accomplishment just for starters can bring, theres also the growth of cognitive functions in raising the brains awareness of the self.. which improves your executive functions or rather the higher level thinking skills you use.
the neurological growth that occurs through the changing and growth of the chemicals in the brain, which helps to increase your focus. during high impact situations you become micro aware of your own body and what its going through, which helps to increase self awareness and get in tuned with yourself.
Improving your focus makes you concentrate, which also improves your memory. the stress of the situation makes you think faster, which improves your reasoning and reaction.
Taking a good spanking can actually improve your willpower. Scientific studies show that a persons willpower (their ability to make decisions that are better for them than others and avoid those that are harmful) is actually linked to executive function of the brain… which is improved through the growth of cognitive function… which can come from high impact play.
High impact play is also scientifically shown to reduce stress, anxiety, give you emotional resilience.. it fights (and actually can prevent) depression, increases pain tolerance, reduces fatigue, makes your brain grow (encouraging the growth of new cells), improves mood and happiness, improves sleep, boosts productivity, reduces addictive behaviors, and overall improves, enhances and grows just about every positive aspect of your life.
AND IF ALL THAT DOESNT MAKE YOU THINK…
Then let me hand it over to some older submissives and littles that I asked about the subject. Because really, when you need an answer on something… get the facts from the source. So i surveyed 7 older submissives with great experience and here is what they told me:
Submissive female 1: “For me its cathartic, it gives me the ability to release whatever stress or shitty thing thats going on in my life. Its being able to place myself into the hands of someone who knows and loves me, and allow them to take everything that I can give, and give me everything that they can too. Its not about the pain, its about the growth of each person I think. It makes me feel strong. It makes me know I’m strong even when I feel like I’m not. D/s gives me security. It makes me feel at home. It helps me to know that I’ll be okay because I have someone who will help me be ok.
the impact part, thats where it becomes more than just a physical thing. Its a mental thing too. its a spiritual thing. It connects me with someone deeply… and it gets me off.”
Submissive female 2: “ In the above scenario, if a man is hitting a woman and it is not part of a negotiated, consensual scene it is abuse. This woman clearly is not interested in engaging in impact play, and therefore her partner should respect that. In regards to her attitude, other people do things within their relationships that don’t make sense to others and would not work for them. For instance, I have a girl-friend who goes to the hospital for medical procedures alone. Even major surgeries. She doesn’t want her husband there. I can’t imagine going to have an organ removed from my body or a bone set with out my s-o there to support me. However, this is their preference and it works for them. I can’t tell them its wrong and I shouldn’t judge it because it isn’t my relationship, no one is being harmed, and both partners are happy.
In the case of sexual relation ships and consensual kink the same principle applies.they are both consenting, both happy with the situation, and no one is harmed or had their consent violated as a part of the experience, it is up to the individuals involved to determine if its right or wrong.
Submissive female 3: In my case its a turn that comes with an extreme amount of trust in the person doing the hitting. I need it for control in my life but to others it might be something different. It isnt abuse if both parties are in agreement of each others limits and the key word should look for is CONSENT for BOTH parties involved.
Why would you put bruises or marks on me? Think about it.
Personally I would feel owned if you marked me in that way… Sure you could just slap a ring on it and call it a day but marking is more intimate and means more to people receiving and giving the marks”
Submissive female 4: “If both adults consent than its not abuse. Like so many others, I have been abused physically, sexually, and psychologically… to this end I cannot abide verbal degradation or closed fists swinging in anger.
That said, on the days I am feeling numb, chaotic mentally, the lashes of physical pain give me something to focus on. When attempting meditation one uses mental exercises or recites a phrase. there are times in my life when that is effective. For days its not, physical pain gives me something which to start my focus so that my mind can follow suit once I hit that sub space.”
Submissive female 5: “Love doesnt have to physically hurt. However, the some people enjoy the contrasting sensations of pain and pleasure as they are opposites and heighten the senses. It would have to be in the confines of safe, sane and consensual with open communication and explicit direction as to what is and is not acceptable in their dynamic.
There are multiple ways to both give and receive love (as seen in the 5 love languages by Dr. Gary Chapman) and no one way is correct for every person and people can have multiple love languages. However, love should not be fear based out of physical attacks”
Submissive female 6: “i think its about the difference. Just like how theres a difference between spanking a child and abuse. It should never be done out of anger but rather to give a reminder to not break the rules.
When its done for the pleasure of the one being hit, it should still never be done out of anger. The sub has some control with the use of limits and safe words that would not exist in an abusive situation.
there are a lot of reasons why pain can be pleasurable. it is a reminder of your endurance, it provides a special warm and tingly sensation that is unique, and a spanking can send a vibration down through the body that touches on other sensitive areas.
i also like the sore feeling after a workout because it makes me feel strong and tough. plus the after care is so calming and affirming.”
Submissive female 7: “For me the purple bruises are beautiful reminders of my time with my Sir. I enjoy the spanks and hits to my ass and tits. i crave them from time to time. They are releases for me. Not punishments.
To me its not abuse because we have that trust and communication. The hits actually put me in a place where I dont think, but feel. it lets you just feel”
Notice the trends? consent… strength… thinking… feeling… trust…
Hopefully this has shed some insight on the topic and given you a better perspective on the lifestyle and the way impact play is treated and regarded.