i’m slightly jealous of other lit fandoms bc they have such nice aesthetics and everything is all pastel and nice and pretty ahh so soft and beautiful
then there’s the all for the game trilogy where the aesthetic is just. A fcugikng orange mess. see me reblogging mood boards of vodka, bruises, flip phones, lacrosse sticks, knives, gay pride flags and depression
Harry read the article again. He didn’t know why he put himself
through it. Rita Skeeter’s outlandish claims never failed to make him angry.
And he’d already forced The Daily Prophet to run a redaction days ago.
No, he did know, actually. It was the accompanying image. The
one with Draco Malfoy staring right into the camera, unblinking, a challenge in
his eyes. It was familiar but at the same time nothing Harry had ever seen
before (except during his many rereads of this particular paper). Malfoy had
aged. Matured obviously since he was now a Ministry official. There was just
something about his face. The same but different. Harry was drawn to it.
Harry looked up to find that same face at his doorway, focusing a
steely gaze on Harry. He was so shocked he forgot he was holding a cup of tea.
It dropped to his desk with an embarrassing clatter, spilling its contents, all
over Malfoy’s inked face.
The Malfoy at Harry’s office door – the real one – didn’t move.
His eyes flickered down to Harry’s desk, watching the spill unfold passively.
Harry jumped to his feet and quickly bundled up the wet paper,
throwing it face down into a waste basket at his feet. He wasn’t sure if he’d
been fast enough.
He looked back up to Malfoy, searching for any sign he might
have seen. Nothing. But that hardly meant much. Harry suspected Malfoy’s
emotions didn’t play so obviously on his face anymore. He nodded in what he
hoped was a professional courteous manner. "Dralfoy.”
Harry froze, the awful blunder hitting his ears just as it came
out of his mouth. He could feel himself blushing, his palms getting clammy, his
knees weak. Was simply Malfoy’s presence enough to make him come undone these
And just when he thought things couldn’t get worse, Harry, not
quite sure how much longer he’d be able to stand for, slumped back into his seat -
or at least attempted to – but misjudged the position and ended up plummeting
to the floor instead.
The only saving grace – if there was any positive to the
situation at all – was that at least on the floor, behind his desk, he was
hidden from sight. He wondered if he crawled under his desk and stayed there,
if Malfoy would get the idea and leave. Harry was seriously considering the option
when Malfoy came into view again, stepping around the desk to loom over Harry.
He offered a hand. Harry gladly took it, forgetting for a moment
the current predicament of said hands. And sure enough, after Malfoy helped
Harry to his feet, he quickly let go and wiped his hand on his trousers.
Harry wanted to close his eyes and crawl up into a ball in the
corner of the room. He never wanted to look Malfoy in the eye again. In less
than a minute, he had made himself look like a complete fool. And all it took
was for Malfoy to walk in the bloody room.
Malfoy cleared his throat. “I just came by to say hello. I
thought it was polite given we work in the same building now. Which, of course,
you already know.” His eyes darted to the waste basket. Shit.
“I had The Daily Prophet write a redaction,” Harry blurted out, as if
that would help. Although at least he managed to get the words right this time.
“That was you? I should have guessed. You never miss an
opportunity to save my skin.” Malfoy’s lips quirked upward for the smallest
moment before his composure returned. “Well, it was nice seeing how the other
side lives. I suppose I must get back to it.”
“Right,” Harry managed to nod. “I’ll get the door for you.”
They both stared at the open door.
Having already committed to the pointless task, Harry hurried
forward and tripped over his own feet, falling right into Malfoy’s waiting –
his reflexes were still as fast as they were in Quidditch – arms. Could Harry be more embarrassing?
Malfoy righted Harry but kept a firm grip on him – perhaps he
thought Harry might slump to the floor otherwise, which was probably an
accurate assumption at this stage.
There was amusement in
Malfoy’s face now, a lightness in his eyes. “Are you always this clumsy,
Potter, or am I special?”
“You’re special,” Harry answered quickly as he didn’t want
Malfoy to think this was how all his mornings went. Although, after he realised
what he’d said, he quickly tried to take it back: “No, I mean, wait, I mean,
that’s not what I -“
Malfoy took a step back, dropping his arms. “No need to be so
flustered, Potter,” he interrupted. “I keep all the newspapers with your face
on them too.”
Harry’s brain short-circuited. He must have stood there blinking
at Malfoy for a solid five seconds before he was able to ask: “All of them?”
“Thirty-four and counting.” Malfoy winked. “You know, Potter, if
you were to take me out to dinner, I’m sure the outing might be scandalous
enough to make the front page. We could add to both our collections.”
“If I – you – dinner?” Harry repeated, a little discombobulated.
“Why, Potter,” Malfoy said, a cheeky smile appearing on his
face, “I thought you’d never ask. I’d love to.”
Harry blinked – it was the only action he was capable of.
Malfoy laughed lightly when Harry didn’t reply. He made to exit,
but paused briefly to call out over his shoulder: “I finish at six.”
Only when Malfoy was out of view did Harry let his knees give in.
First things first: we actually do know what elves called their dicks, because even the glorious JRRT couldn’t keep his hands out of his pants. The poetic term (yes, elves seem to have engaged in erotic poetry) would be
gwî, but for everyday usage
gwib was the preferred term.
Puntl is provided as the coarse, moderately transgressive term, and likely what you would be invited to suck if you went down on a male elf. Alas, due to the ban on the Noldorin language, we have no surviving slang for Fëanor’s johnson.
Second, if we assume that JRRT’s intention is the guiding light for inferred details of the history and function of Arda, we are left with several clues as to the genital features of elves. In early drafts of the Silmarillion and pre-LotR writings that would eventually give rise to the War of the Ring, JRRT called them “gnomes” rather than “elves,” a detail that reflects his internal monologue about them and is consistent with his para-LotR writings about them, including mutilations, betrayals, incest, genocide, colonial violence, and misotheistic rebellion. His mental image during the construction of Ardan history was almost certainly closer to the Rankin-Bass imagery than the Peter Jackson interpretation. Thus we are left to interpret the idea of gnomes– a Paracelsean ideology tied closely to alchemy– and of their Germanic and Norse equivalents, nature and household spirits that include classic Germanic dweorgs (that is, dwarves) but with the added qualification of tallness as a common indicator of worthiness.
I discern here between dwarf-figures of Greek and British mythology, which tend to be lusty, massively endowed pranksters, and gnomes/dweorgs, which are rarely cast in a sexual light. Some textual support could be interpreted for the influence of Pan on the elves, given that Silvan elves (and their Rivendell cousins) are singing, dancing, merry-making, traveler-harassing figures throughout the books. If we adhere to this interpretation, elves are probably packing huge veiny wangs that could put your fucking eye out while you’re trying to slip em the suck.
I feel that it is, however, more likely that JRRT would have viewed his elves as more romantic and less sexual. Certainly they reproduce at an exceedingly slow rate and for an incredibly small window of their adult lives. A Panic elf would be extremely unlikely to live for two thousand or more years and sire no more than three or four offspring. For this reason, we are most likely dealing with the less overt sexual characteristics of a Paracelsean elf, which rules out giant Priapus-style horse cocks that are eternally bone-ready, but leaves us with less to go on than we might need, if we’re gonna pour a giant silicone elf dick.
Ah, but now we’ve alluded to reproductive evidence of elvish sexual activity, and down this road we find some very interesting possibilities. For one thing, the gnomes of Paracelsus were closely related to the concept of the homunculus, and tended to be sexless or at most secondary-masculine (think garden gnomes). We can assume, in combination with the romantic, Victorianistic leanings of JRRT, that male elves were not afflicted with unwanted boners, and found it fairly simple to reserve their sexual activity to intramarital intercourse. Additionally, in the extracurricular writing Laws and Customs of the Elves (LACE henceforth), we find some fascinating aspects of elvish sexuality laid bare. Elves are incapable, it seems, of adultery, which actually
kills them. They are also heavily implied to be incapable of masturbation, and are explicitly hesitant to remarry after the death of a spouse, which carries over into the Silmarillion, when Fëanor’s father seeks permission from the spirit of his mother (who has died in childbirth) to remarry. Clearly, something about their physiology and/or psychology is not compatible in any way with promiscuity, and the consequences of promiscuity can be literally fatal.
The lethality of sex can, I feel, be best comprehended as an immune function similar to rH incompatibility between mother and fetus. It would, from an evolutionary standpoint, benefit a male elf (
ellyn) to be certain that his offspring are actually his own, since their gestation and childhood are protracted and may consume a great deal of resources. This may have resulted in a gradual evolutionary arms race, in which an ellyn might conjugate not only his genetic material but also a dose of antibodies and/or chimeric B-cells, which are keyed to attack all sperm without his specific antigen set. In return, the female elf (or
elleth) might perhaps develop her own antibody/B-cell dosage, but this begs the question of how to confer them to the male, since transmission of microbes from vagina to penis is much less reliable than the inverse. I am getting a horrible idea and I will refer back to this concept in a moment.
So assuming that extramarital sex results in autoimmune-induced death similar to anaphylaxis in mechanism, we ask ourselves: what about the other compelling aspect of elvish sexuality, that of interbreeding with humans? Leaving out the question of DNA compatibility– which is demonstrated in canon, and which we must accept as legitimate if we are to consider this topic at all– we have a disturbing question to address. We have multiple incidents throughout the history of Beleriand and Middle-Earth of elven/human offspring,
all of which occur between a Man and an elleth. Given that the two species are capable of creating not only hybrids but
fertile hybrids (Elrond produced three offspring), it is foolish to imagine that in all of Ardan history there was never a potential ellyn-woman romance that resulted in offspring, unless there was something preventing reproduction between ellyn and woman that did not exist between man and elleth. The safest bet is not that all ellyn-woman romances remained chaste– anyone who’s met a teenager can tell you better than that– but that ellyn-woman sexual activity is
incapable of producing offspring.
This is extremely unusual, as the most obvious reason for sex-discriminant infertility is more likely to favor female humans than male humans. Human ova contain mitochondria, while human sperm consume their mitochondrial power for motility and do not confer mitochondrial DNA to their offspring. Either something is happening on an immune/cellular level, which would seem to conflict with our immunological theory of lethal adultery, or something is happening on the mechanical level– something which is, perhaps, related to the transference of female immune material to the male partner.
Perhaps, to put it crudely, the
ellyn just can’t get it up.
In humans, the penis consists of several structures of erectile tissue which cradle the urethra between them. This specialized tissue is capable of interrupting venous return, creating penile engorgement and thus erection by trapping blood within the corpus cavernosum. This tissue is
notoriously indiscriminant about stimuli, making it easy for male humans to ejaculate without even the participation of another human. Elves, on the other hand, can’t even masturbate, an activity so universal among species with external genitalia that it’s almost unimaginable for a species capable of poetry to be incapable of wanking. And yet human males can couple with elven females. This implies some weird-ass shit, so I suggest you pour yourself that drink right now.
Male elves achieve erection by external constriction. To have sex, they need some biological equivalent of a cock ring. Whether their penises are “innies” or just flaccid except during intercourse, they are incapable of restricting venous return on their own… and yet the elven vulva must be compatible to some degree with penetration, or else man/elleth coupling wouldn’t produce offspring. One may, if one is willing to consider extreme possibilities, entertain the idea that the elven vulva may exhibit some mechanical trait that assists the ellyn in achieving erection by constriction, by restricting venous return through strangulation.
Something that would not put off human males universally, although it might make man/elleth couplings more rare and account for the relative scarcity of elf/human offspring.
Something that would make it impossible for an ellyn to penetrate a woman, or to achieve orgasm and ejaculation with a human female.
Something that would even allow the ellyn to contribute internal disposition of antibodies and B-cells reliably, potentially through urethral penetration
of the penis.
The elvish vulva, my friends, consists of outer labia, inner labia, a vaginal vestibule opening on a penetrable vaginal canal,
and a set of tentacles.
In elven intercourse, the vulval tentacles constrict and penetrate the flaccid penis, simultaneously permitting/inducing erection and depositing immune bodies deep in the genitourinary tract, most likely the bladder, where they can swim up the ureters to the renal anastomosis and infiltrate the bloodstream. The erect elvish penis is then able to deposit its genetic– and immune– material within the vagina. Human females, having no corollary to these tentacles, can arouse a male elf and even engage in non-PIV sexual activity, but can never obtain genetic material from male elves, and therefore no ellyn/woman pregnancies occur.
For human females, this means you can have a hot elf boyfriend that can never get you pregnant, but he’s likely to leave you eventually for somebody who can actually get him off. Male elves probably got the fuck
around in Middle-Earth, since they could chow down on human pussy for decades before settling down with a nice elleth who would get knocked up as soon as they exchanged fluids.
For human males, this means that you’re totally capable of landing a hot lady elf, as long as you don’t mind her tentacles crawling up your dick every time you shark her in the ass while she’s asleep, and as long as you don’t mind that she can
totally cheat on you and in fact might have chosen to fuck you specifically because she can screw around behind your back without breaking out in a fatal case of hives.
Aragorn was one kinky-ass fucker.
And if you read all the way through this drunken, giggling spiel, the silicone elf dick you’re looking for is of normal to generous proportion, but it’s strangled up and down with simulated tentacles, or at least constricted by a really tight cock ring.
I thought way the fuck too much about this. I consulted the LACE about this. Fuck every last one of you for goading me into this nightmare of grisly overanalytic humiliation. I hope all your girlfriends catch you.
SomethingAwful poster “elise the great”, in the “Ask me about making horrific silicone fantasy dildos!” thread
“If efforts never lied, the one who practices the most would win time after time. But, as of course, no matter how hard a person works, if they can’t win, they can’t win. And conversely, much younger athletes may overtake them forcefully. Therefore, efforts do lie. But that doesn’t mean efforts are in vain. It is precisely because efforts lie that we are prompted to think about how to work hard in a different way, and find the correct direction in which to expend our efforts.” – Yuzuru Hanyu