The holidays are stressing me out in more than the usual yontiff way. I’m probably going to spend Rosh Hashana with my usual synagogue, but I want to observe two days and they’re Reform and only do one, so I want to go to Chabad (which might be the only one doing a second day anyway, not sure, does conservative do that?) for the second day and also for Yom Kippur, because I am definitely not driving on Yom Kippur – not just because I don’t like driving on holidays, but because I do not handle fasting well and it’s very unsafe to drive 20 miles each way in that condition. But I’m really stressing out about the mechitza issue. I’m living as a girl mostly now, but the people there still know me as a guy and I don’t want to make anyone uncomfortable by being on the women’s side if they think I’m a guy, but it also would be inappropriate for me to be on the men’s side since I’m living as a woman now elsewhere. I think the students for the most part would be ok with it, but I have some non-student friends who are frum and I don’t think they’d take it well, and I don’t want to be the reason people are uncomfortable. But at the same time, I have to do what’s right, don’t I?
It’s just so frustrating to not know what to do because I’m just trying to be true and it’s on the side of Torah observance and yet I know that probably a lot of people would assume the case was the opposite of what it is and would treat me like I was doing something contrary to halacha and I just feel like there’s brick walls whichever way I turn and I don’t even know what way is up except to trust that I’m going in the direction of Torah but it feels so complicated
It would have been easier of course to just wait until after I graduated, but once I decided, I had to. It felt like I was lying.
I messaged the rabbi to ask him what I should do, but he’s super busy obviously so I don’t know if he’ll see my message today so I’m just gonna sit here and be stressed out until I hear back and probably after as well because that’s just who I am :(