a symptom of ptsd i never realized i was doing
(*sexual assault tw*)
so this is really personal but I feel like I need to share this in case someone else is doing this as well and doesn’t realize that it is a STRONG symptom of PTSD and can be very dangerous if not addressed in one’s self. Ok, so I am a survivor of SA as well as a lot of people that I know (too many). Since then I have had a few sexual partners and I perceived my sex life as healthy because the people I was with weren't pressuring sex upon me, unfortunately, I was wrong. It wasn't unhealthy because of the people I was with, it was because of the boundaries I had set up around sex. I was allowing my partner at times to have intercourse with me when I didn’t want it and the aftermath would be depressing for me. I thought many times “just get through it” “you’ll enjoy it once you get going” but the bottom line was I DIDNT WANT TO HAVE SEX. and my partner had no idea because I didn’t communicate. This is unhealthy on so many levels. it was unfair to my partner who had no idea they were causing me stress, but mostly it was detrimental to myself because I was inhibiting my trauma from being healed properly.
This is a symptom because unconsciously I thought that if I would not consent to a sexual act then I would be forced to. fight or flight isn’t always shutting down completely or freaking out. sometimes its silent acts of submission. part of me thought I was protecting myself. when in reality if I would have just honestly said no then my partner would have completely respected that and not thought of me less.
I don't like sharing this kind of thing on here but this is quite a revelation for me towards recovery and I'm really hoping if anyone out there is doing the same thing that this will open their eyes and help them move forward towards healthy sexual relationships after an SA trauma.