i don't like being completely silent on here!

a symptom of ptsd i never realized i was doing

(*sexual assault tw*)

so this is really personal but I feel like I need to share this in case someone else is doing this as well and doesn’t realize that it is a STRONG symptom of PTSD and can be very dangerous if not addressed in one’s self. Ok, so I am a survivor of SA as well as a lot of people that I know (too many). Since then I have had a few sexual partners and I perceived my sex life as healthy because the people I was with weren't pressuring sex upon me, unfortunately, I was wrong. It wasn't unhealthy because of the people I was with, it was because of the boundaries I had set up around sex. I was allowing my partner at times to have intercourse with me when I didn’t want it and the aftermath would be depressing for me. I thought many times “just get through it” “you’ll enjoy it once you get going” but the bottom line was I DIDNT WANT TO HAVE SEX. and my partner had no idea because I didn’t communicate. This is unhealthy on so many levels. it was unfair to my partner who had no idea they were causing me stress, but mostly it was detrimental to myself because I was inhibiting my trauma from being healed properly. 

This is a symptom because unconsciously I thought that if I would not consent to a sexual act then I would be forced to. fight or flight isn’t always shutting down completely or freaking out. sometimes its silent acts of submission. part of me thought I was protecting myself. when in reality if I would have just honestly said no then my partner would have completely respected that and not thought of me less. 

I don't like sharing this kind of thing on here but this is quite a revelation for me towards recovery and I'm really hoping if anyone out there is doing the same thing that this will open their eyes and help them move forward towards healthy sexual relationships after an SA trauma.

I'll Never Understand Fashionable Girls
  • *nerdy girl and popular girl walk into bathroom together*
  • Popular Girl: *puts on make-up in the mirror* I watched that show you're so into last night.
  • Nerdy Girl: You have! I knew I'd convert you sooner or later!
  • Popular Girl: I didn't really like it.
  • Nerdy Girl: Seriously!? Come on!
  • Popular Girl: Like, the effects are really bad and the plots don't make sense. The British accents are weird too.
  • Nerdy Girl: The effects are part of the charm. You have to actually pay attention to the plot. Also, British accents rule. It's how real English is supposed to sound.
  • Popular Girl: *puts on lipstick and smacks lips* It's just not my thing. I don't like sci-fi space stuff. I like action and drama. Realistic stuff.
  • Nerdy Girl: Speculative fiction tends to influence science, so everything you're dismissing now could possivly be very realistic in a few decades.
  • Popular Girl: I don't pay attention to that stuff. I like the here and now.
  • Nerdy Girl: *sighs* Whatever, enjoy being boring.
  • Nerdy Girl: *notices a string coming out of the nape of popular girl's neck*
  • Nerdy Girl: *lightly tugs on string*
  • Popular Girl: *stops moving entirely*
  • Nerdy Girl: Are you alright?
  • Popular Girl: *remains silent and still*
  • Nerdy Girl: *completely pulls string out of popular girl's neck*
  • Popular Girl: *disappears in a puff of smoke*
  • Nerdy Girl: ...Oops.
  • *a decade ago*
  • Some Lady: I think I'm the only one who can see it.
  • Friend: See what?
  • Some Lady: The knitter. It's sitting up on that building there. It's huge, and it's just knitting.
  • Friend: What does it look like?
  • Some Lady: It looks big and pregnant. But, it's stomach is made of yarn. It's just knitting. People, animals, buildings, clouds. Millions of things.
  • Friend: That sounds weird.
  • Some Lady: I think it's god.
  • Friend: Mmm.
  • Some Lady: There's nothing on the horizon. Like, there's nothing beyond it. Everything just starts where it sits. Now that I think of it. I've never been beyond that building. There's nothing but white out that way. Emptiness.
  • Some Lady: *looks at fuzzy yarn hands*
  • Friend: *lights up cigarette*
  • Friend: The I-95 takes you into Baltimore that way. But, you should write a book about that before anyone else does. I'd read it.
  • Some Lady: I don't like to write about what's on my mind.
  • The Knitter: *opens third eye on its belly*
  • *in the present, a week after our initial events*
  • *missing poster with popular girl's face is blown away by a careless wind*
  • Nerdy Girl: *stares at string on her desk*