Uranus and the Solar System
I was just watching a documentary about the formation of the solar system (DON’T MOCK ME I’M A NERD) where they used ice skaters to represent all the planets and asteroids. Why did they do that?? I’m not completely sure. What I do know is that there was definitely an ice show after the Sochi GPF where the theme was “the solar system,” and it was the worst ice show of Yuuri’s life.
“Viktor is Jupiter,” everyone agrees, which is partially because Jupiter is the biggest and best but mostly because Viktor’s forehead could definitely get moons to orbit it.
“Who has the hips to be Saturn and rotate these hula-hoop rings?” The producer asks.
“Katsuki,” comes the unanimous chant. Yuuri doesn’t understand, but he does know that now he has to stand by Viktor Nikiforov in a ridiculous outfit. Oh my god, he thinks in abject horror, which is astoundingly exactly what Viktor is thinking as he stares and stares at Yuuri’s skintight outfit.
JJ is Uranus, for obvious reasons AND because it means he’s stuck in the outer reaches of the solar system, where he can’t accidentally offend anyone. Otabek is Neptune– but only because Yurio had a brief stint as Pluto, as it was the smallest. “I’m a planet!” He hollers, spite-skating in circles with his chubby purple outfit on, “screw you!” Eventually Yurio becomes Mars, the red planet of the god of war, instead. Minami is tiny Mercury, and zips around the sun excitedly. Christophe takes his rightful place as Venus, named after the goddess of love, while a stone-faced Seung-Gil assumes his position as the Earth. His orbit is ridiculously precise– though he’s thrown off a bit by Sara Crispino, who has assumed her position as The Moon.
“I think Phichit should be Saturn!” Yuuri pleads.
“Don’t be ridiculous,” Phichit scolds, “I’m the Sun. Look at me, and tell me I’m not the sun.” Yuuri can’t even look at him directly, he’s so bright and cheerful.
“You’re the sun,” Yuuri admits, defeated.
“Did you know,” says Viktor, skating so close the outside of his planet outfit bumps against Yuuri’s rings, “that when the Solar System was first formed Saturn SAVED Jupiter from falling into the sun, and then they did a romantic gravitational dance that helped form the rest of the system? We should do it, Yuu-ri!”
Yurio interrupts what Viktor assumes to be a beautiful moment. “Stop making stuff up just so you can put a ring on Saturn!”
“I already have rings?” Yuuri says, and with Viktor so close, has vivid flashbacks to the disaster that was Sochi. “I HAVE TO GO NOW.”
“No!” Viktor wails, “no, it’s science! You can’t go against science!” Unfortunately for Viktor, the solar system spins on. He doesn’t know that Yuuri’s whole world revolves around him– yet.