i don't know the rest of their names but i don't care because only three are important to me

Mean Girls Starters
  • ❝If you're from Africa, why are you white?❞
  • ❝Oh my God, [name], you can't just ask people why they're white.❞
  • ❝Boo, you whore!❞
  • ❝Nice wig, [name]. What's it made of?❞
  • ❝Your Mom's chest hair!❞
  • ❝On Wednesdays we wear pink!❞
  • ❝Calling somebody else fat won't make you any skinnier. Calling someone stupid doesn't make you any smarter. And ruining [name]'s life definitely didn't make me any happier. All you can do in life is try to solve the problem in front of you.❞
  • ❝Hey, buddy, you're not pretending anymore. You're plastic. Cold, shiny, hard plastic.❞
  • ❝You know what! It's not my fault you're like, in love with me, or something!❞
  • ❝See? That's the thing with you plastics. You think everybody is in love with you when actually, everybody HATES you! Like, [name], for example, he broke up with Regina and guess what? He still doesn't want you! So why are you still messing with [name], [name]? I'll tell you why, because you are a mean girl! You're a bitch! Here. You can have this. It won a prize.❞
  • ❝And I want my pink shirt back! I want my pink shirt back!❞
  • ❝That is so fetch!❞
  • ❝Gretchen, stop trying to make fetch happen! It's not going to happen!❞
  • ❝God! I am so sorry [name]. Really, I don't know why I did this. I guess it's probably because I've got a big lesbian crush on you! Suck on that! AY-YI-YI-YI-YI-YI!❞
  • ❝[Name], I'm sorry I laughed at you that time you got diarrhea at Barnes & Nobles. And I'm sorry for telling everyone about it. And I'm sorry for repeating it now.❞
  • ❝And none for [name], bye!❞
  • ❝Get in loser, we're going shopping.❞
  • ❝Don't have sex, because you will get pregnant and die! Don't have sex in the missionary position, don't have sex standing up, just don't do it, OK, promise? OK, now everybody take some rubbers.❞
  • ❝I wish we could all get along like we used to in middle school... I wish I could bake a cake filled with rainbows and smiles and everyone would eat and be happy...❞
  • ❝She doesn't even go here!❞
  • ❝Raise your hand if you have ever been personally victimized by Regina George?❞
  • ❝I hear her hair's insured for $10,000.❞
  • ❝I hear she does car commercials... in Japan.❞
  • ❝Her favorite movie is Varsity Blues.❞
  • ❝One time she met John Stamos on a plane... And he told her she was pretty.❞
  • ❝One time she punched me in the face... it was awesome.❞
  • ❝Why are you eating a Kalteen bar?❞
  • ❝Man, I hate those things. Coach Carr makes us eat those when we want to move up a weight class.❞
  • ❝Why should Caesar just get to stomp around like a giant while the rest of us try not to get smushed under his big feet? Brutus is just as cute as Caesar, right? Brutus is just as smart as Caesar, people totally like Brutus just as much as they like Caesar, and when did it become okay for one person to be the boss of everybody because that's not what Rome is about! We should totally just STAB CAESAR!❞
  • ❝[Name] had cracked.❞
  • ❝Hell, no. I did *not* leave the South Side for this!❞
  • ❝Somebody wrote in that book that I'm lying about being a virgin, 'cause I use super-jumbo tampons, but I can't help it if I've got a heavy flow and a wide-set vagina!❞
  • ❝There's a 30% chance that it's already raining!❞
  • ❝I'm sorry that people are so jealous of me... but I can't help it that I'm so popular.❞
  • ❝I gave him everything! I was half a virgin when I met him.❞
  • ❝Do you wanna do something fun? Wanna go to taco bell?❞
  • ❝I can't go to taco bell, I'm on an all-carb diet. GOD [name] you're so stupid!❞
  • ❝It's like I have ESPN or something. My breasts can always tell when it's going to rain.❞
  • ❝That is the ugliest f-ing skirt I've ever seen.❞
  • ❝She's totally rich because her dad invented Toaster Streudels.❞
  • ❝That's why her hair is so big, it's full of secrets.❞
  • ❝She's the queen bee - the star, those other two are just her little workers.❞
  • ❝And they have this book, this burn book, where they write mean things about all the girls in our grade.❞
  • ❝Oh my God - Danny DeVito! I love your work!❞
  • ❝At your age, you're going to have a lot of urges. You're going to want to take off your clothes, and touch each other. But if you do touch each other, you will get chlamydia... and die.❞
  • ❝Is butter a carb?❞
  • ❝You can't sit with us!❞
  • ❝Fine! You can walk home, bitches.❞
  • ❝And on the third day, God created the Remington bolt-action rifle, so that Man could fight the dinosaurs. And the homosexuals.❞
  • ❝My grandma takes her wig off when she's drunk.❞
  • ❝I love her. She's like a Martian!❞
  • ❝Are they not suppose to be let out when they're grounded?❞
  • ❝She thinks she's gonna have a party and not invite me? Who does she think she is?❞
  • ❝I like invented her, you know what I mean?❞
  • ❝I just want you to know, if you ever need anything, don't be shy, OK? There are NO rules in the house. I'm not like a regular mom, I'm a cool mom.❞
  • ❝Can I get you guys anything? Some snacks? A condom? Let me know! Oh, God love ya.❞
  • ❝Halloween is the one night a year when girls can dress like a total slut and no other girls can say anything about it.❞
  • ❝Sorry, we only carry sizes 1, 3, and 5. You could try Sears.❞
  • ❝Regina George is not sweet! She's a scum-sucking road whore, she ruined my life!❞
  • ❝I know it may look like I was being like a bitch, but that's only because I was acting like a bitch.❞
  • ❝Your face smells like peppermint!❞
  • ❝Oh, you'll get socialized all right, a little slice like you.❞
  • ❝You're a regulation hottie.❞
  • ❝We do not have a clique problem at this school.❞
  • ❝But you do have to watch out for "frenemies".❞
  • ❝I know she's kind of socially retarded and weird, but she's my friend... so, just promise me you won't make fun of her!❞
  • ❝Half the people in this room are mad at me, and the other half only like me because they think I pushed somebody in front a bus, so that's not good.❞
  • ❝I don't hate you cuz yo' fat... yo' fat cuz I hate you!❞
  • ❝You smell like a baby prostitute.❞
  • ❝Is your muffin buttered?❞
  • ❝Jason, you do not come to a party at my house with Gretchen and then scam on some poor innocent girl right in front of us three days later. She's not interested. Do you want to have sex with him?❞
  • ❝Good. So it's settled. So you can go shave your back now. Bye, Jason.❞
  • ❝Finally, Girl World was at peace.❞
  • ❝Hey, check it out. Junior Plastics.❞
  • ❝Damn, Africa, what happened?❞
  • ❝I saw [name] wearing army pants and flip flops, so I bought army pants and flip flops.❞
  • ❝Oh, hi. Did you wanna buy some drugs?❞
  • ❝Make sure you check out her mom's boob job. They're hard as rocks.❞
  • ❝Whatever, I'm getting cheese fries.❞
  • ❝Okay, I'm going to forgive you because I'm a very Zen person... and I'm on a lot of pain medication right now.❞
  • ❝Can you believe my f-ing mom is here?❞
  • ❝I have this theory, that if you cut off all her hair she'd look like a British man.❞
  • ❝I care. Every year the seniors through this dance for the underclassmen called the Spring Fling. And whosoever is elected King and Queen automatically become head of the Student Activities Committee and since I am an active member of the Student Activities Committee, I would safely say, I care.❞
  • ❝Irregardless, ex-boyfriends are just off limits to friends. I mean that's just like the rules of feminism.❞
  • ❝Did your teacher ever try to sell you marijuana or ecstasy tablets?❞
  • ❝What are marijuana tablets?❞
  • ❝You cannot do that. That is social suicide. Damn! You are so lucky you have us to guide you.❞
  • ❝Oh, I love seeing teachers outside of school. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs.❞
  • ❝Everyone in Africa knows Swedish.❞
  • ❝Made out with a hot dog? Oh my God that was one time!❞
  • ❝I know having a boyfriend might seem like the only thing important to you right now, but you don't have to dumb yourself down in order for a guy to like you.❞
  • ❝Come on! We could publish it and then everybody would see what an ax-wound she really is!❞
  • ❝And you can only wear your hair in a ponytail once a week, so I guess you chose today.❞
  • ❝She's not even that good looking if you really look at her.❞
  • ❝I don't know, now that she's getting fatter she's got pretty big jugs.❞
  • ❝Watch out please! Fresh meat coming through!❞
  • ❝I'd rather see you out there shakin' that thang.❞
  • ❝You can do this. There's nothing to break your focus, because not one of those Marymount boys is cute.❞
  • ❝There are two kinds of evil people in this world. Those who do evil stuff and those who see evil stuff being done and don't try to stop it.❞
  • ❝Well, I mean you wouldn't buy a skirt without asking your friends first if it looks good on you.❞
  • ❝The limit does not exist!❞
  • ❝I just wanted to say that you're all winners. And that I couldn't be happier the school year is ending.❞
  • ❝It's called the South Beach Fat Flush and all you drink is cranberry juice for 72 hours.❞
  • ❝She's fabulous, but she's evil.❞
  • ❝So, are you gonna send any candy canes?❞
  • ❝No. I don't send them, I just get them. So you better send me one, byotch.❞
  • ❝'Cause she's a life ruiner. She ruins people's lives.❞
  • ❝Oh no, I can't say anything else until I have a parent or lawyer present.❞
  • ❝Did you see nipple? It only counts if you saw a nipple!❞
  • ❝Oh, no. It was coming up again, word vomit... no, wait a minute... Actual vomit.❞
  • ❝Grool... I meant to say cool and then I started to say great.❞
  • ❝I'm a cool mom! Right Regina?❞
  • ❝Good news, they didn't get run over... Bad news, they're still flat.❞
  • ❝Hey, hey, hey. How are my best girlfriends?❞
  • ❝Oh god, busted! Just start apologizing and crying. No, play it cool.❞
  • ❝I mean no offense, but how could she send you a candy cane? She doesn't even like you that much. Maybe she feels weird around me because I'm the only person who knows about her nose job. Oh my god, pretend you didn't hear that.❞

anonymous asked:

Don't imagine Derek Hale dancing around the house to Cheerleader with his and Stiles' newborn daughter. Or the soft look he has on his face while doing so. Or Stiles and the Sheriff coming and catching him doing it. Don't do it ho.

“Are you sure you and Derek are ready to have me over?” the Sheriff asks, taking the grocery bags from Stiles’ hands as he fumbles for his keys. “You and Derek have only had her for a few weeks.” 

Stiles rolls his eyes, doing his best to stifle a yawn. He’s sure he has bags under his eyes from lack of sleep, but Derek still says he looks sexy, so Erica can make zombie jokes all she wants. They got nothin’ on him. “I think we can manage feeding you and Clara at the same time, dad.” 

“Clara,” he smiles, eyes going soft over the name. It had been Lydia’s idea, a subtle blend of Claudia and Laura. Stiles doesn’t know who cried harder as they wrote the name down on the birth certificate, Derek or his dad. (Not like he can talk; the moment Clara was given to them he burst into tears right there and then on seeing her face for the first time.)

“Hey, you two, look who I brought-” Stiles starts to say, opening the door, promptly forgetting how to speak as his eyes are drawn to the middle of the living room. 

Stiles’ laptop is open, the lyrics to Cheerleader playing as Derek dances- Stiles will repeat, dances- with Clara, mouthing along with the song, the softest of looks on his face. 

“Oh I think I found myself a cheerleader,” Derek sings, nuzzling Clara’s neck, making her giggle. “She is always right there when I need her.” 

Stiles isn’t sure if his heart stops or he melts into a puddle of good first, but no-one can hold him responsible for the sound that comes out of his mouth in that moment. Stiles has never seen Derek dance, okay? And seeing him dance for the first time with Clara is like a triple punch of gooey rainbow magic to the gut. 

Shut up, he can’t think properly. 

“I think that’s the best thing I’ve ever seen,” Stiles whispers, just as Derek finally looks up. He looks startled for a moment, his cheeks flushing beautifully, before grinning. Stiles might just fall in love with him all over again.  

His dad puts his hand on his back, pushing him forward. “I’ll go get the rest of the bags,” he says. Stiles thinks he nods, stumbling towards his family- his family- probably looking like a crazy person, but he doesn’t care because Derek is kissing him on the cheek and Clara is smiling up at him with big, bright eyes. Both the most perfect creations in the whole universe. Stiles is going to make them t-shirts saying so. 

“You never serenade me,” Stiles finds himself saying, pouting. 

Derek laughs, happy and carefree. There was a time Stiles never thought he’d hear Derek laugh like that. He doesn’t think he’ll ever take it for granted. He’s going to make two more t-shirts for him and Clara: ‘the Derek Hale laughter squad: may the giggles be with you’. He wonders if there are baby light-sabres you can buy too. His daughter is going to grow up educated in the important things, thank you very much.    

“I think daddy’s jealous,” Derek tells Clara, grinning. “What do you think, shall we sing to him too?” Clara, obviously having no idea what Derek is saying, decides to choose that moment to blow big sloppy saliva bubbles. 

“That’s my girl,” Stiles praises, tickling her cheek. Clara squeals happily in return, wiggling slightly, clearly pleased with herself. 

The song finishes, but that doesn’t stop Derek from leaning in close to Stiles and trailing his nose affectionately along his jawline. “He walks like a model,” he sings again, changing the lyrics slightly. Stiles grins. “He grants my wishes like a genie in a bottle.” 

Stiles finds himself blushing. Damn Derek. Stiles was definitely not a blusher before Derek came into his life. “Don’t know about that.”

Derek smirks. “Yeah, you definitely don’t walk like a model.”

Stiles huffs. “Just because I wasn’t born with natural grace like some people!” 

Derek laughs and Clara does too. She has a habit of finding whatever Derek finds funny hilarious too. It’s adorable, especially because Stiles can always tell Derek is secretly pleased by it like the huge dork he pretends not to be. 

“Definitely grant all my wishes though,” Derek says, and how is Stiles supposed to argue with that? Derek being “cute” is not fair. Stiles walked right into the fridge the first time Derek told him he was beautiful.

“Oh?” Stiles asks stupidly.  

“You know it, batman,” Derek winks, kissing him once, twice, on the lips, leaving Stiles a little dizzy, before raising Clara up until her stomach is in front of his face, leaning into to blow softly against it. 

Clara’s laughter seems to fill the whole house as Stiles walks behind Derek, slipping his arms around his waist as he looks up at her face looking down at them both, kicking her little legs out. 

(Stiles didn’t even realise his dad had been trying to work the camera on his new phone until over six months later, a picture of the three of them like that sitting pride of place in his dad and Melissa’s kitchen.) 

Why Taimi is awesome~
  • [Origin of Madness – at Twisted Marionette]
  • Taimi: Hi hi hi. Are you a friend of Braham's? I am. Or rather, I will be. Soon.
  • -
  • Taimi: Braham! There you are.
  • Logan Thackeray: Somebody care to tell me why this child was on the battlefield?
  • Braham Eirsson: Hey! I'm not a child!
  • Logan Thackeray: Not you. This asuran girl. I found her out there, trying to get to Scarlet's twisted marionette. Who does she belong to?
  • Braham Eirsson: Oh. Her.
  • Taimi: Help! Help! Save me from this creepy human!
  • Logan Thackeray: It's okay. I'm a Krytan Seraph. The kid's in no danger.
  • Taimi: Braham! Don't let him take me away! Please!
  • Logan Thackeray: Are you her guardian?
  • Braham Eirsson: Who me? Wolf's teeth, no! I've never seen her before in my life.
  • Taimi: Braham, you're so mean. Can't we just go home now?
  • Logan Thackeray: Listen, buddy. I don't know what your game is, but you better get this kid to safety. She's got no business on a battlefield.
  • Braham Eirsson: What? I swear I've never seen her before in my life.
  • Braham Eirsson: Hey! Where's he going? You're not my responsibility!
  • Taimi: It's okay, Braham. You can take me home now. I live in Rata Sum.
  • Braham Eirsson: Huh? What?
  • Taimi: Where do you live? Maybe we could go there instead.
  • Braham Eirsson: No. You found your way here. You can find your way back.
  • Taimi: Fine! Here I go. By myself. Off into the big city. You'll probably never see me again, Braham.
  • Braham Eirsson: Good luck, kid.
  • -
  • Logan Thackeray: What does a little squirt like you know about Scarlet, anyway?
  • Taimi: As it so happens, I know a lot. I've been studying her for months. I came to meet her, but she didn't show up.
  • Marjory Delaqua: To meet her? Why would you want to do that?
  • Taimi: Because she's brilliant, of course. My theory is that she knows something about the dragons, and that's why she's building an army.
  • Logan Thackeray: Your theory, huh? You don't think she's just a big ol' meany?
  • Taimi: Do you always talk like a four-year-old?
  • *Burn Logan BURNNN*
  • --
  • [Edge of the Mist]
  • Braham Eirsson: What's your story anyway, Tiny? How does a little thing like you get into such big trouble?
  • Taimi: It's Taimi. And I'm a progeny prodigy. I've got important people fighting for the right to be my teacher.
  • Braham Eirsson: Important people, huh? Are they real people, or just big-eared figments of your overactive imagination?
  • Taimi: They're real, but they all want to tell me what to learn. I'd rather be like Scarlet and pick my own courses.
  • Braham Eirsson: Wolf's tail, girl! Don't be too much like Scarlet, okay? One's way too many.
  • -
  • Taimi: Braham? Are we still going to be friends when we get back?
  • Braham Eirsson: Wait—are we friends now?
  • Taimi: I think so. You don't boss me around as much as other adults. And when you ask a question, you let me answer it.
  • Braham Eirsson: Well, I'm friends with Frostbite and he can't even talk. So yes, Tiny. We'll still be friends.
  • Taimi: Not if you keep calling me "Tiny."
  • -
  • Taimi: Braham, will you tell me a story while we wait?
  • Braham Eirsson: After you ran off on me? And all the abuse you heaped on me since we got here? I get plenty of that back in Cragstead.
  • Taimi: You don't spend much time around asura, do you? We only abuse people we like. Or those we're trying to improve.
  • Braham Eirsson: Fine. I'll assume you like me. Ahem! "Once upon a time, there was a brave and handsome norn named Braham..."
  • Taimi: Aww, I've heard this one already. From you. Twice.
  • --
  • Braham Eirsson: Did you get in trouble for roaming the camp?
  • Taimi: No. Yes. Zojja gave me extra calculations as a punishment, and I never got to see Scarlet.
  • -
  • Taimi: Hey, Braham.
  • Braham Eirsson: Uh-huh.
  • Taimi: You wanna hear about the new aetherphaser I invented for my golem? I modeled it after Scarlet's tech.
  • Braham Eirsson: Uh-huh.
  • Taimi: It works just fine, but I have to keep adjusting the gorometer.
  • Braham Eirsson: Uh-huh.
  • Taimi: I had to shave down the minious array wheel in order to get it to fit on Scruffy, but I got it.
  • Braham Eirsson: Uh-huh.
  • Taimi: Next, I'm gonna make him a panmetric listening device so he can warn me in advance if someone's sneaking up on me.
  • Braham Eirsson: Uh-huh.
  • Taimi: Hey, Braham.
  • Braham Eirsson: Uh-huh.
  • Taimi: I like you because you're big and dumb.
  • Braham Eirsson: Uh-huh.
  • Braham Eirsson: (laugh) Shut up!
  • Taimi: (giggle)
  • --
  • [Gates of Maguuma]
  • Taimi: That structure is unstable. It would be unwise for us to go in. Scruffy's scan confirms that it won't support all our weight.
  • Taimi: According to my calculations, the most efficient combination would be you, Marjory, and Kasmeer. The rest of us can wait out here.
  • Rox: Did she just call us fat, Braham?
  • Braham Eirsson: Yup, she sure did.
  • Taimi: Facts are facts. The three of us together weigh as much as nineteen Kasmeers.
  • Kasmeer Meade: Great, I'm a unit of measurement.
  • --
  • Kasmeer Meade: That gap is too large. I can't get us across from here.
  • Taimi: Have no fear. The option to have Scruffy toss us over is still—
  • Rox: No.
  • --
  • [Prosperity’s Mysterious Room]
  • Taimi: Look, look, look! This is a historical find!
  • Marjory Delaqua: Careful, now. You'll pop a gasket.
  • Taimi: She hasn't been here in a very long time. This—oh, and that! Great glarrgh!
  • Marjory Delaqua: Language.
  • Taimi: Sorry. I didn't know you spoke ettin.
  • --
  • [Entanglement]
  • Taimi: Okay. It's all yours. Use the console to fry some Inquest.
  • Braham Eirsson: It isn't going to blow up in our faces, is it?
  • Taimi: Don't be silly. The chances are so slim as to be negligible. About..oh, fifty-three percent. I've tagged us all nonhostile.
  • --
  • Taimi: Hold on. Activating defenses.
  • Marjory Delaqua: You're absolutely sure this won't kill us?
  • Taimi: Absolutely. I'd give it a solid fifty-three percent chance.
  • Marjory Delaqua: I beg your pardon? Maybe you shouldn't—
  • -
  • Kasmeer Meade: It's...beautiful.
  • Marjory Delaqua: And we're still alive. That's a plus.
  • Taimi: Of course we're still alive. I was joking about the the fifty-three percent. It was more like seventy-eight.
  • --
  • [The Dragon’s Reach]
  • Taimi: Don't touch anything!
  • Councillor Phlunt: Progeny, do not speak to your elders in such a tone! I won't have it.
  • Taimi: I thought you'd never get here. Did you stop off at the Dead End for a pint and a pie or something?
  • -
  • Taimi: Well, Councillor Phlunt, I'm sorry to report that I've completely wasted your time and the waypoints will now be destroyed by Mordremoth.
  • Councillor Phlunt: What?
  • Taimi: Just kidding. My patent-pending waypoint recalibration device is now complete.
  • -
  • Taimi: I've checked and double-checked the settings on everything. I'm 59.6 percent certain nothing will blow up in our faces. Don't worry.
  • --
  • [Credit: GW2 Wiki]
"american beauty" sentence starters
  • "I guess I could be pretty pissed off about what happened to me... but it's hard to stay mad, when there's so much beauty in the world."
  • "Well, you have absolutely no interest in saving yourself."
  • "Lose my job? I didn't lose it. It's not like, 'Whoops! Where'd my job go?' I QUIT."
  • "I figured you guys might be able to give me some pointers. I need to shape up. Fast."
  • "You're right. I suck dick for money."
  • "Well, what do you say I throw in a little sexual harassment charge, to boot?"
  • "Management wants you gone by the end of the day."
  • "Your father seems to think this kind of behavior is something to be proud of."
  • "It's like God's looking right at you, just for a second, and if you're careful... you can look right back."
  • "When I was your age, I flipped burgers all summer just to be able to buy an eight-track."
  • "All I did was party and get laid. I had my whole life ahead of me."
  • "I rule!"
  • "She's not your friend. She's just someone you use to feel better about yourself."
  • "It's never too late to get it back."
  • "I have lost something. I'm not exactly sure what it is but I know I didn't always feel this... sedated."
  • "You think you're the only one who's sexually frustrated here?"
  • "Both my wife/husband and daughter/son think I'm this gigantic loser and they're right."
  • "I'm looking for the least possible amount of responsibility."
  • "You should see me fuck. I'm the best piece of ass in three States."
  • "Can you prove that you didn't offer to save my job if I let you blow me?"
  • "Are you just looking to lose weight, or do you want increased strength and flexibility as well?"
  • "I don't think we can be friends anymore."
  • "Just don't fuck my dad, all right? Please?"
  • "You're way too uptight about sex."
  • "I want to look good naked!"
  • "Someone really should just put him out of his misery."
  • "I'm not paying you to do... whatever it is you're doing out here."
  • "You don't really think [name] and I were..."
  • "Want me to kill him for you?"
  • "I need a father who's a role model, not some horny geek-boy who's gonna spray his shorts whenever I bring a girlfriend home from school."
  • "I quit. So you don't have to pay me. Now leave me alone."
  • "Remember those posters that said, 'Today is the first day of the rest of your life'? Well, that's true of every day but one - the day you die."
  • "She hates me. She hates you, too."
  • "There's plenty of joy in my life."
  • "Go fuck yourself, psycho!"
  • "My parents are coming tonight. They're trying to, you know, take an active interest in me."
  • "Gross. I hate it when my mom does that."
  • "Fuck me, Your Majesty!"
  • "I was hoping you'd give me a bath. I'm very, very dirty."
  • "You ungrateful little brat! Just look at everything you have."
  • "I'm so sorry for the way things look around here."
  • "I think using psychotropic drugs is a very positive example to set for our daughter."
  • "Who are you looking for?"
  • "This isn't life, it's just stuff. And it's become more important to you than living."
  • "There's nothing worse than being ordinary."
  • "Everything that's meant to happen does."
  • "You're one to talk, you bloodless, money-grubbing freak."
  • "Welcome to America's weirdest home videos."
  • "Oh well, all right, let's all sell our souls and work for Satan because it's more convenient that way."
  • "I'm sensing a real distance growing between you and [name]."
  • "My job consists of basically masking my contempt for the assholes in charge, and, at least once a day, retiring to the men's room so I can jerk off while I fantasize about a life that doesn't so closely resemble Hell."
  • "Don't you mess with me, mister, or I'll divorce you so fast it'll make your head spin!"
  • "Your mom's the one who's embarrassing. What a phony. But, your dad's actually kind of cute."
  • "If he just worked out a little, he'd be hot."
  • "You don't get to tell me what to do ever again."
  • "I'm serious. He just pulled down his pants and yanked it out."
  • "Never underestimate the power of denial."
  • "Are you trying to look unattractive today?"
  • "How dare you speak to me that way in front of her."
  • "Jesus, what is it with you?"
  • "I am sick and tired of being treated like I don't exist."
  • "Sometimes there's so much beauty in the world, I feel like I can't take it, and my heart is just going to cave in."
  • "See the way the handle on her pruning shears matches her gardening clogs? That's not an accident."
  • "Don't interrupt me, honey!"
  • "[Name]'s a pretty typical teenager. Angry, insecure, confused. I wish I could tell her that's all going to pass, but I don't want to lie to her."
  • "I had always heard your entire life flashes in front of your eyes the second before you die."
  • "You better watch yourself, [name], or you're going to turn into a real bitch, just like your mother!"
  • "I marvel that you can be so contemptuous of me, on the same day that you lose your job."
  • "You're boring. And you're totally ordinary. And you know it."
  • "You have no idea what I'm talking about, I'm sure. But don't worry... you will someday."
  • "Uh, whose car is that out front?"
  • "Your mother seems to prefer that I go through life like a fucking prisoner while she keeps my dick in a mason jar under the sink."
  • "In order to be successful, one must project an image of success at all times."
  • "She's... she's really happy. She thinks she's in love."
  • "I think you just became my personal hero!"
  • "Man, you are one twisted fuck."
  • "The only way I could save myself now is if I start firebombing."
  • "You know, this really doesn't concern you."
  • "I mean, how's her life? Is she happy? Is she miserable?"
  • "I'd really like to know, and she'd die before she'd ever tell me about it."
  • "Your wife is with another man and you don't care?"
  • "It's a great thing when you realize you still have the ability to surprise yourself."
  • "In less than a year, I'll be dead."
  • "[Name], today I quit my job. And then I told my boss to go fuck himself, and then I blackmailed him for almost sixty thousand dollars. Pass the asparagus."
  • "I wish I could tell her that's all going to pass, but I don't want to lie to her."
  • "We've met before, but something tells me you're going to remember me this time."
  • "I can't believe you don't know how beautiful you are."
  • "Well, at least I'm not ugly."
  • "This will be the high point of my day; it's all downhill from here."
  • "[Name], are you masturbating?!"
  • "If people I don't even know look at me and want to fuck me, it means I really have a shot at being a model."
  • "In a way, I'm dead already."
  • "You are so busted."
  • "I feel like I've been in a coma for the past twenty years. And I'm just now waking up."
  • "Well, congratulations. You've succeeded admirably."
  • "The car I've always wanted and now I have it."
  • "God, it's been a long time since anybody asked me that..."
  • "Makes you wonder what else you can do that you've forgotten about."
  • "I'm just an ordinary guy with nothing to lose."
  • "Our marriage is just for show. A commercial for how normal we are when we're anything but."
  • "It would be nice if I was anywhere near as important to him as she is."
  • "Gotta spend money to make money."
  • "I refuse to be a victim!"
  • "I was filming this dead bird."
  • "Do you party?"
  • "Oh, what? You're mother of the year? You treat her/him like an employee."
  • "Could he be any more pathetic?"
  • "I think it's sweet."
  • "You need structure... you need discipline."
  • "He's just so confident, it can't be real."
  • "So, you're fucking psycho-boy on a regular basis now? Tell me, has he got a big dick?"
  • "He didn't even look at me once!"
  • "I don't think you'd fit in here."
  • "It seems unfair to presume I won't be able to learn."
  • "Excuse me for speaking so bluntly, sir."
  • "Oh, I'm in trouble."
  • "I didn't mean to scare you. I just think you're interesting."
  • "This country is going straight to hell!"
  • "[Name], when did you become so joyless?"
  • "I'm not obsessing. I'm just curious."
  • "What is this? The fucking Gay Pride parade?"
  • "Sorry about my dad."
  • "To you, he's just another guy who wants to jump your bones."
  • "This is my first time."