i don't know

You know what, I’ve been doing a lot of soul searching recently, regarding having Jewish ancestry, and I honestly just

I don’t even understand, anymore. What am I? Who am I? I mean, almost everyone I’ve talked to and articles I read say that I’m not Jewish. And like, I get it: I’m Jewish on my father’s side and I’m a product of an interfaith marriage and I wasn’t even raised Jewish but like

this is my blood, man, this is my FAMILY. My grandmother, who lives in America, goes to synagogue. My aunt does. My father’s family is here in America even though they came from Uzbekistan and I have no idea what my identity is, anymore. I have family that died because they were Jewish. People have spat anti-Semitic shit at me in classrooms. And, yet, the Jewish community doesn’t want me. I’m ‘not even Jewish’. 

I don’t know who I am, okay? I don’t know how to BE Jewish. I want to embrace this part of my existence and I feel like I have no right to it and I feel like I’m unwanted and this blight

“i’m too paranoid to use facebook” i tell an acquaintance from my high school i haven’t seen in like ten years while we’re discussing the school reunion that’s going on that i am too paranoid to go to

…meanwhile on tumblr i vomit my secrets all over the place even though i know there are people and they are watching