i don't have enough followers to get this off the ground but here goes

anonymous asked:

I don't know if you're still taking prompts, but I'd kill for anything Supergirl. Superlane? Either way, b l e s s you for your writing <3

one thing kara has always been very good at is multitasking. okay, sure, except when her super secret identity is just shy of being found out—in her defence, though, miss grant is, like, really clever and really, really dogged about her “search for the truth, kiera. remember that.” but that’s a worry for another day. all she has to multitask now is listening to alex’s instructions in her ear and then trying really hard to block them out because actually alex appears to have zero clue on how to avoid all six of this aliens arms—limbs—appendage things. 

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otp tags (fall out boy edition)
  • otp: all the ways you make my stomach turn
  • otp: am i more than you bargained for yet?
  • otp: anything you say can and will be held against you
  • otp: bruises on your thighs like my fingerprints
  • otp: burn a little brighter tonight
  • otp: condemned from the start
  • otp: dance alone to the beat of your heart
  • otp: do you got room for one more troubled soul?
  • otp: don't breathe life into a monster
  • otp: don't pretend you ever forgot about me
  • otp: don't stop until your heart goes numb
  • otp: don't take love off the table yet
  • otp: get me out of my mind and get you out of those clothes
  • otp: go on pick your poison
  • otp: happily ever after below the waist
  • otp: have you ever wanted to disappear?
  • otp: here to collect your heart
  • otp: hoped for your name on the ouija board
  • otp: hot to the touch cold on the inside
  • otp: how heartwarming it is inside your skin
  • otp: i bit off more than i could chew
  • otp: i don't care what you think as long as it's about me
  • otp: i don't feel a thing for you
  • otp: i don't just want to be a footnote in someone else's happiness
  • otp: i got your love letters corrected the grammar and sent them back
  • otp: i hope your lips will taste of me forever
  • otp: i just need enough of you to dull the pain
  • otp: i love everything about you that hurts
  • otp: i need your broken promises
  • otp: i only appeared so i can fade away
  • otp: i only want sympathy in the form of you crawling into bed with me
  • otp: i said i'd never miss you but i guess you never know
  • otp: i shot true romance in the head
  • otp: i try to picture me without you but i can't
  • otp: i want to hate you half as much as i hate myself
  • otp: i want to make you as lonely as me
  • otp: i wish i dreamt in the shape of your mouth
  • otp: i wish i'd known how much you loved me
  • otp: i'll save the middle finger for you
  • otp: i'll take your heart served up in two ways
  • otp: i'm about to make your heart beat in reverse
  • otp: i'm coming apart at the seams
  • otp: i'm half-doomed and you're semi-sweet
  • otp: i'm in the details with the devil
  • otp: i'm just a problem that doesn't want to be solved
  • otp: i'm just dreaming of tearing you apart
  • otp: i'm the best worst thing that's ever happened to you
  • otp: i'm two quarters and a heart down
  • otp: i've got a sunset in my veins
  • otp: i've never seen a heart i couldn't break
  • otp: if they knew how misery loved me
  • otp: if you are the shores i am the waves
  • otp: it doesn't matter how you feel
  • otp: it's our time now if you want it to be
  • otp: it's time for me to fall apart
  • otp: just a notch in your bedpost
  • otp: kick drum beating in my chest
  • otp: let me tear you to pieces
  • otp: let your body get a tolerance
  • otp: let's meet in the purgatory of my hips
  • otp: like a moth getting trapped in the light
  • otp: love never wanted me but i took it anyway
  • otp: make it easy say i never mattered
  • otp: make june feel like september
  • otp: maybe i'm a piece of art
  • otp: my conscience called in sick again
  • otp: my heart is a grenade and you pulled the pin
  • otp: nothing comes as easy as you
  • otp: now you're just a problem for someone else to fix
  • otp: one foot in your bedroom one foot out the door
  • otp: out of every miscalculation you have got to be my favorite
  • otp: pawnshop heart trading up
  • otp: put your venom in me
  • otp: remember me as i was not as i am
  • otp: say my name and his in the same breath
  • otp: seasons change but people don't
  • otp: setting fire to the sky
  • otp: shoot the sunshine into my veins
  • otp: should have left our love in the gutter where we found it
  • otp: something makes my chest stir
  • otp: strike a match and i'll burn you to the ground
  • otp: take our tears and put them on ice
  • otp: teach you a lesson in the worst kind of way
  • otp: the best of us can find happiness in misery
  • otp: the best part of believe is the lie
  • otp: the home wrecker with the heart of gold
  • otp: the lies just won't stop slipping
  • otp: the person that you'd take a bullet for is behind the trigger
  • otp: the rhythm of the rain keeps time
  • otp: the sweetness never lasts
  • otp: the truth catches up with us eventually
  • otp: there's chemicals keeping us together
  • otp: this is the road to ruin
  • otp: trade all my tomorrows for just one yesterday
  • otp: trying to forget everything that isn't you
  • otp: turn off the lights and turn off the shyness
  • otp: we do it in the dark with smiles on our faces
  • otp: we don't fight fair
  • otp: we never stood a chance
  • otp: we only do it for the scars and stories
  • otp: we walk the plank on a sinking ship
  • otp: we're friends when you're on your knees
  • otp: we're the beginning of the end
  • otp: we're the things that love destroys
  • otp: we've been doomed from the start
  • otp: welcome to the demolition derby that is my heart
  • otp: when they made me they broke the mold
  • otp: wherever i go trouble seems to follow
  • otp: why can you read me like no one else can?
  • otp: would you mind if i sat next to you and watched you smile?
  • otp: you and i were fireworks that went off too soon
  • otp: you are my favorite what if
  • otp: you are the dreamer and we are the dream
  • otp: you can get what you want but it's never enough
  • otp: you can wear the crown but you're no princess
  • otp: you get scared when you look at me
  • otp: you got me all fucked up on love
  • otp: you were my versailles at night
  • otp: you were the last good thing
  • otp: you were the song stuck in my head
  • otp: you wouldn't know a good thing if it came up and slit your throat
  • otp: you're appealing to emotions that i simply do not have
  • otp: you're the only place that feels like home
  • otp: your best kept secret and biggest mistake
  • otp: you’re the antidote to everything except for me

anonymous asked:

Can I ask for if the BMP guys were villains and MC was a superhero? It's okay if you don't want to

Hi nonnie~

Idk who you are (obvs) and idk when you sent this, heck, idek if you’re still following me.

I’m a lil’…okay, very rusty on my writing skills and it has been practically a year since I read my last route but, here goes nothin x3

Enjoy~

——————————————–

Wilfred: Wilfred would be a the type of villain that was ruthless, but every time you foiled his plans, he’d leave with a sad smile. Not a smile that says ‘I’m upset you ruined my evil plans’ but a smile that said ‘I’m sorry I’m putting you through this.’ As time went on, you started getting more and more suspicious of him and found yourself getting more and more curious about the reason for his sorrowful stares. It got to the point where you felt your heart wrench at the sight of him because you could tell he was suffering in his own way and his sad smile itself was like a blow to the stomach. So, one day, after uncovering his secret plans to brainwash the nation’s females (and possibly a large proportion of the male population) by using his innate charm and charisma, you followed him. You followed him to his ‘secret lair’ and found him kneeling down at an alter, with two rather friendly faces stood up in frames on top of it. In front of each frame was an urn as well as a bouquet of flowers and you gasped as you watched what happened next.
“D-don’t worry mother, father…I’ll avenge you someday,” Wilfred stuttered, clenching his fists. “I won’t let these people live so happily after what this nation has done to you.” He lifted his head and smiled weakly, his voice breaking, “Aren’t you proud? I haven’t cried yet, I’ve been a good, brave little boy, just like I promised you I would be…and I won’t rest until you can rest in peace. Don’t worry Mama, Papa. I-I won’t let you down!”

“You…Do you really think this would make your parents happy?” You watched as Wilfred looked up and around, bewildered to hear a voice other than his own. Slowly, you stepped out of the shadows and looked him in the eye as you continued, “How can you possibly believe that your parents would want you to live this way?! If you don’t want to hurt the people then don’-”
“You don’t understand! What do you know huh?!” He rose from his kneeling position slowly, trembling as he did so. “I promised them! I promised them that I would be brave, that I wou-”
“That you would destroy your own sense of morals, your own happiness for revenge?”
“You..! You can’t say that to me. What do you know? You-”
“I know that you don’t like being evil. I can see it in your eyes, in your expression every time I leave!” You took a deep breath, continuing in a much quieter, soothing voice. “Wilfred…it’s ok to move one. Just because you want to stop all this and pursue your own happiness, doesn’t mean you’ll be letting them down. I’m sure the only thing your parents want, is for you to be happy…being brave doesn’t mean you don’t cry…it means you let yourself have the courage to pick yourself up and carry on after you do…”

After hearing your words, Wilfred finally did the one thing that he believed would be forbidden to him for life. He cried. Quiet, gentle tears at first, that gradually developed into streams until it was bawling, collapsed on the ground like a little boy who had gotten lost. Carefully, as if you were approaching a deer that could flee at any moment, you moved towards him and began petting his hair, hugging him close and murmuring soothing encouragement to him.

5 years later, the two of you are still fighting crime together, ending each successful battle with a celebratory kiss and, in the apartment that the two of you live in together, are his parents, seemingly smiling even brighter smiles than before, ever since you saved the real victim, their son.

Joshua: Joshua would be the most by-the-book villain there was. He would pull out all the stops, all the stereotypes and, even though each one would make you roll your eyes and laugh a little, you couldn’t help but be in awe of how well he executed each plot. Of course, not well enough to stop you but, still well all the same. However, there was something about him that was, different. All the other villains you fought had some form of reason or motive, you could see how much they enjoyed being evil and how much they loved trying to ‘take over the world’ or whatever…but not Joshua. Every time you beat him, he just sort of, left, as if he didn’t care if he succeeded or not, as if, he was just being evil for the sake of it.

One day, in the middle of a face off, your curiousity got the better of you.
“Why…did you choose to be evil…?” After being mildly startled at your sudden question, Joshua simply continued with the fight while you waited for a reply. He refused to say a single word until..
“…who said it was a choice?” And with one final slash at you, he left in a flourish.

Unfortunately for you, what he had said raised more questions than it had answered and so, you spent the next few days plagued by what he could’ve meant until finally, you met again. 

You didn’t quite understand why, but for some reason, he had ended up in your apartment, waiting for you when you got home, probably to deliver his evil message. However, as he was in the threatening process, you could tell he was just going through the motions and, sure enough…
“What did you mean, the other day, when you said that being evil wasn’t a choice?” Hearing your question, he looked up from his PowerPoint presentation and frowned, as if annoyed that you had interrupted his lecture on how he was planning to defeat you. Sighing, he replied,
“Well, if you must know, my parents were villains. The best super villains of their time, actually. Now, if you look at Figure 5-”
“So?” Again, he sighed.
So, isn’t it expected that their one and only son become the best super villain of his time? Now if you would pay attentio-”
“Wait wait wait. So you’re telling me…that the only reason you’re a villain is because it’s expected?!?”
“…isn’t that what a said? Now turn your eyes to the scree-”
“But that’s ridiculous!” At this, he thew his laser pointer down in despair, clearly giving up on his well thought out presentation as his sat down, crossed his arms and looked up at you expectantly.
“Go on then. Tell my why it’s ‘ridiculous’”
“W-Well…for starters. You should be doing something because you want to do it, not because it’s expected.”
“So you’re saying that if I want to be evil it’s ok?” He smirked, raising his eyebrows.
“What? N-No! Obviously nothing makes being evil ok-”
“Then aren’t you denying that I should do something ‘just because I want to’?”
“W-well no…that’s not what I mea-”
“Look, I’m leaving. Clearly, this is a waste of time. If you won’t listen to my presentation then fine, I’ll just find another hero to educate and defeat.” With that, he rose to his seat and walked over to the window for his exit.
“Wait! A-All I’m saying is, if there’s something else you’d like to do in life that would make you happier than all this, ‘super villain’ business, then do it. You shouldn’t let stupid expectations get in the way of your happiness.”
After a pause, he turned his head to face you, staring straight into your eyes.
“Then let me ask you this. Why are you a superhero?”
“W-Why? …I suppose, because the smiles of the people I save make me happy..”
“You ‘suppose’ huh?” And with that, he flashed the ghost of a smirk  and was gone, leaving you with your heart leaping.

About a month later, you still hadn’t heard from him since the incident, evil plan or not and were beginning to wonder if anything had happened until again, you were met by Joshua casually lounging around on your apartment’s sofa. ‘Oh great,’ you thought, ‘another lecture about his next evil plan. I should’ve known his lack of activity was too good to be true…’
“What is it Joshua?” you sighed.
Abruptly, he got up and walked to where you were standing, stopping just in front of you and gazing into your eyes with determination. Holding your breath, you braced yourself for what was to come.
“I..want to be a professor.”
“…huh?”
“I thought a lot about what you said last time and…I want to be a professor. I like learning things, and then teaching and presenting them to others…I’ve always loved giving lectures and educating people.. I’m sorry it took so long, I was getting my degree…” he smiled sheepishly.
“Ah…I see..wait, what?! B-but, it’s only been a month tops! Y-You’ve already got your degree?!”
“Yeah..sorry it took so long…” he grinned, blushing slightly in embarrassment.
“Are you even human…?” You mumbled.
“Hmm? Did you say something?”
“W-what? N-No…” You laughed nervously, “A-anyway, why are you telling me this” You looked up expectantly, not sure what you were hoping for, but certain that he wasn’t all you could think about for the past month just because he was suspiciously quiet.
“Well..I just thought, since you were the one who opened my eyes, I should tell you…plus, it’s always a good idea to tell your girlfriend what you’re up to.”
“Yeah… I suppos- wait WHAT?! G-girlfriend?!?”
“Of course. Think about it, the superhero saves the super villain by showing him the error of his ways…isn’t it expected that they end up together?”
For some reason, you felt disappointment fill your heart.
“Just because it’s expected huh,,,?”
“No…” he flashed you a cheeky grin, “I suppose that’s more of an excuse.”

Roberto: Coming Soon

Keith: Coming Soon

Glenn: Coming Soon

Edward: Coming Soon

————————————————-

If you’re wondering, yes, I did get lazy and cba to finish this headcanon (^ ^”) I’ll write the others some other day…probs…Actually, lemme know if you want the rest…yeah, I’ll probs write it either way but yh, lemme know ^ ^

But yeah, hoped you liked it ^ ^

Stay Beautiful~

-Sakura~☆

slytherin-pansexual-pride  asked:

I have recently fallen in love with Jegulus thanks to you, and I don't know if you're still accepting prompts but if you are can you do a jegulus 'I heard you talking in your sleep' one shot thing? Love your writing BTW 💖

Got another one! BWAHAHAHAHA! No but seriously, thank you! I’d be happy to write some Jegulus for you <3

——————

James grabbed a pillow off the bed and chucked it at a sleeping Regulus, which hit him square in the face. Reg groaned and rolled over in response, hugging the pillow that had just been thrown at him. “Come on, lazy arse,” James said, tugging the duvet down and off Regulus’ sleeping form. “You’ve got a busy day.”

“I hate you,” Regulus grumbled into the pillow. “I’ll never forgive my brother for hiring you.”

“Take that up with him,” James said, clapping his hands together. “The sun is shining and we have a five mile run planned for today.”

“I have a concert tonight,” Regulus said indignantly, sitting up and scrubbing his hand down his face. 

“Don’t worry, it won’t take us all day,” James said, jogging in place. “I mean, I know you’re slow as hell, but maybe we can get back before the sun goes down.”

“Har har,” Regulus said, rolling his eyes and getting up out of the bed. “Why did my brother have to hire a health nut to be my babysitter?” 

“Maybe you should have taken better care of yourself and then you wouldn’t need a babysitter,” James retorted.

Regulus flipped him a V as he walked into the bathroom. He pissed with the door open, having lost any sense of propriety, and began brushing his teeth. He walked back into the bedroom with his toothbrush sticking out of his mouth and started to get dressed.

“Might want to put on some clean underwear,” James told him, heading into the kitchen of Reg’s flat to make them a smoothie. 

“Fuck off, Potter,” Regulus shot back. “My pants and what’s inside them are none of your concern.”

“No?” James asked, walking back in and quirking an eyebrow. “That’s not what you said last night.”

Regulus froze with one leg halfway in his trousers. “What did I say last night?” he asked nervously, the sentence coming out mumbled from his toothbrush still in his mouth. He gave up on the trousers and walked into the bathroom to spit.

James chuckled from the doorway. “It was while you were sleeping. You were talking about how handsome I am.” 

“Bollocks,” Regulus said, turning on the tap and rinsing his toothbrush off.

“No, you definitely did,” James said with a smirk. “You were talking about how great my arse was.”

Regulus turned around the crossed his arms over his chest. “So what? I can admire someone’s arse, can’t I? That’s not against the recovering junkie handbook, right?” 

James shrugged. “You can do whatever you want as long as you stay sober.” 

Regulus stalked forward with a wicked grin on his face. “Even shag my babysitter?” 

James put his hand out to stop Reg from getting any closer. “You’re not meant to form personal relationships in the first year of recovery.” 

“That’s not doing whatever I want,” Regulus argued, playing with the hem of his t-shirt. “Come on, James. Live a little.”

James cleared his throat and turned away. “The smoothie is probably done,” he said, fleeing to the kitchen. 

Regulus groaned and followed after him. “You wanted us to have a workout, right? Well I can think of a better one than jogging.”

I’m not going to enable you, Reg,” James said firmly. “Sirius trusted me with your well-being and I mean to come through for him.”

“When did you become such a stick in the mud?” Reg asked, dropping heavily onto the sofa and staring up at the ceiling. “I remember in school you were always such a laugh.”

James huffed. “I’m still a laugh.” 

“Then prove it,” Regulus challenged, sitting up and staring at James from across the room. 

“I’m not going to let you bait me into something stupid,” James told him stubbornly. 

“Oh no?” Regulus asked, tugging his shirt up and tossing it across the room. “You know there’s constantly paparazzi outside. Maybe I’ll go flash them.” 

“Don’t you dare,” James growled, gripping the counter.

Reg laughed and stood up, sliding his pants down as he went and then walking out of them. He was nearly to the window when James tackled him and wrestled him to the ground, pinning his arms above his head. “Then distract me,” Regulus said, his voice nearly a whine. 

James sighed and buried his face in Reg’s neck. “Not like this,” he whispered, nuzzling Regulus affectionately. 

“Not like what?” Regulus asked, surprised by the intimate gesture. 

“Do you have any idea how difficult this job is?” James asked, pressing soft kisses to Regulus’ neck and making Reg writhe beneath him. “Having had a crush on you since school and then being heartbroken when you lost yourself to drugs. I know what growing up in that house did to you, the pressure they put on you to be perfect. It ate away at Sirius just how it eats away at you. It’s not enough that you’re gorgeous and smart as a whip and wonderful. They never made you feel like enough but you are, Reg, you are enough.”

James pulled back and looked down at Reg. There were tears forming in the corners of his eyes that he was trying desperately to blink away. “James…” he said in a broken out sob.

“It’s okay,” James said, releasing Regulus’ hands in favor of wrapping the younger man up in his arms. “I’m here.”

Regulus curled up in James’ lap and clung to him desperately. “You can’t possibly be interested in a train wreck like me,” he said, sniffling. 

“Can’t I?” James challenged, kissing the top of Reg’s head tenderly. “Well that’s too bad, because I am so gone on you.”

“Did I really say all those things about you in my sleep?” Regulus asked, wiping his nose with the back of his hand. 

“Yeah, you did,” James said with a lopsided grin. “It was very flattering.”

Regulus laughed and dropped his head onto James’ shoulder. “You know, sometimes you make me believe I’ll really be all right some day.” 

“You will be,” James said, hugging Reg tightly. “You’ve just got to want it badly enough.” 

—————–

One Year Later

Regulus got off the stage to the sound of thousands of screaming fans. He didn’t hear them though because his entire attention was focused on the man waiting in the wings. 

James opened up his arms and Regulus folded into them gladly. “You were wonderful,” James said, kissing Regulus softly on the lips. The night had been a massive success and Regulus had been a rock god on the stage tonight. James felt a swell of pride in his chest knowing that out of the thousands of people that wanted him, James would be the one in Regulus’ bed that night. 

“I’m so tired,” Regulus said, yawning loudly. “I think I’m getting old.”

“Not possible,” James said, lifting Regulus up into his arms and carrying him bridal style out of the venue. “If you’re getting old then I’m getting old.”

“I’m sure all the kale is helping keep you young and fit,” Reg teased, wrapping his arms around James’ neck and holding onto him as they walked to the car. James had arranged it so they could sneak out the side entrance and not be bombarded with fans. 

“It’s called a super food for a reason,” James joked, kissing Regulus’ temple. “How about tonight we get Chinese food?”

“Oh, my favorite,” Reg said, kicking his feet like an excited little child.

“We can get you out of these barely there leather trousers and snuggle up on the sofa.”

Regulus laughed. “Don’t pretend you’re not completely turned on by how I look in these trousers.”

“I didn’t say that,” James responded with a grin. “I’d just very much like to get you out of them.” 

Regulus sighed happily and closed his eyes, snuggling against James’ broad chest. “You won’t hear me complaining.” 

James secreted them out the side door where their black sedan was waiting in the alley for them. James managed to get the door open and then gently deposited Regulus in the back seat before sliding in next to him. Regulus immediately rearranged himself so he was pressed against James’ side. “Honey, take me home,” he requested quietly. 

“It would be my pleasure,” James told him as the car started for home. 

Daddy!
  • (A NaLu Fanfiction, also my present to my 200 followers! Thank you all for following my black ass into craziness. Small Gruvia, Gajevy, Jerza and Elfgreen)
  • Many years have passed, people grew up and new people showed up. There were many small little changes but Fairy Tail has never changed, except maybe one little thing.
  • Lucy: NATSU!
  • As the pink haired dragon slayer turns around he sees a blonde, beautiful girl running at him. Before he can react she jumps at him with a hug. They look at each other, both of them smiling.
  • Lucy: You're back! How did the quest go?
  • Natsu: It was a piece of cake like always!
  • Lucy: How many houses did you destroy...?
  • Natsu: Eh?! N-None...
  • Lucy: You sure...?
  • Natsu: *Nods rapidly*
  • Lucy: So the newspaper about a pink haired boy destroying more than half the village wasn't you.
  • Natsu: ...Uhhhhhhh.
  • Lucy: It's okay you big klutz, did you miss me?
  • Natsu: M-maybe I did, maybe I didn't!
  • Happy: Oh he missed you, he was like "I am going to spring back to my Lucy".
  • Natsu: HAPPY!
  • Lucy giggles as she gives him a kiss on the cheek. They hold hands as they enter the guild. It is loud as ever, and it only increased as Natsu entered.
  • Gray: Good job firebrain! Another village that needs fixing! Natsu:Shut it stripper on ice! It wasn't my fault!
  • Gray: Suuuuure it wasn't!
  • Juvia: Aww Gray-sama, you're so cute when you're angry~
  • Gray: J-Juvia not now...
  • Juvia: Hai Hai, Juvia will wait here for your loving embrace when you're done.
  • Gray: Shhhhh...not here.
  • Natsu: What is that Gray? Not man enough to hug your woman?
  • Gray: What did you say?
  • Levy: *sighs* Can you two just be peaceful for one day, look at my Gajeel. He knows how be mature.
  • Gajeel: OI SALAMANDER! Where is the song you promised huh?!
  • Natsu: That was years ago!
  • Gajeel: Yeah and? Write it now or else I make you eat some first rate metal!
  • Natsu: Bring it!
  • Lucy and Juvia: You were saying?
  • Levy: ...Nevermind.
  • Throughout the years, many new couples have been formed. To nobody’s surprise Elfman and Evergreen got together, followed by Erza and Jellal as they finally cleared up his name and joined the guild. Jellal doesn't get away that easily though as he is being teased about lieing to Erza. Then followed by Gajeel and Levy and in the same day Gray and Juvia. Natsu and Lucy took the longest. They were both unsure if the other had felt anything for each other. They tried giving each other signs but those were completely misunderstood. One day they just yelled their love at each other simultaneously and were both surprised and happy. Everybody is happy for them as well, Mirajane the most as she predicted this would happen. That was 2 years ago, they are still together happily. Jellal walks in with a pink box in his hands.
  • Jellal: Well well, fighting like always I see.
  • Erza: Of course *she walks to him* if they didn't then you could say that something would be wrong in this guild.
  • Jellal opens the box with a smile that just says "You like what you see".
  • Erza: J-Jellal! That..That is...You shouldn't have!
  • Jellal: Yes it indeed is your favorite cake, Strawberry.
  • Erza's eyes sparkle and before you know it she is already at a table with the cake and enjoying it. Jellal sits next to her and puts an arm around her as he watches the other quarrel...with magic of course. Jellal blocks any debris that is flying towards them so Erza can have a peaceful eating time.
  • Juvia: Go Go Gray-sama!~ heart emoticon You are making Juvia heart melt with your bare chest and...Gray-sama your pants are missing.
  • Gray: ARGH NOT AGAIN!
  • Natsu: To think that we thought you had gotten over that habit.
  • Gray: Shut up ash breath...Juvia, you don't need to strip too.
  • Juvia: Aww, but Juvia wants to.
  • Gajeel: Shooby Doo Bop!
  • Gajeel smashes his guitar into Natsu face. His head is on fire filled with rage.
  • Natsu: SHOOBY DOO BOP THIS, YOU RUSTY WATERPIPE!
  • The day goes on like that, the girls are smiling as their boyfriends try to beat each other. Erza enjoyed her meal and finished the fighting but that didn't last long as she joined in herself. The guild, once again was a complete mess at the end. Everybody said their good byes and walked home. Natsu and Lucy are walking towards their home. Happy said he will go to Carla and try his luck once again since he felt left out of the couple circle. As they reach Lucy's apartment there was a shield of the Landlady being gone for the weekend. They enter her room.
  • Natsu: Ahhh back to a comfortable and knowing place.
  • Lucy: Were the houses you guys stayed at not good?
  • Natsu: It was filled with bed bugs, I showered by a nearby waterfall.
  • Lucy: How very man like~
  • Natsu: What is that supposed to mean?
  • Lucy: Oh nothing~
  • Natsu: You're weird Luce, you know that.
  • Lucy: You know you love my weirdness.
  • Natsu mumbles as he blushes, Lucy giggles. The sun outside is slowly setting. The room fills with a beautiful orange color. Natsu puts his bags down and stretches, when he looks at Lucy he sees what he always loved to see. A smile, it was the best for him, he never wants that to be gone for any reason.
  • Lucy: I am going to take a shower and change okay? NO PEEKING!
  • Natsu: I won't! How did you come to that idea!
  • Lucy: Just a feeling...
  • Natsu: Eh?
  • She walks into the bathroom and winks at him before closing the door. Natsu sits down on the floor, placed his hands behind his back and stares at the door. He did see her a couple times naked so its not so surprising that she would get suspicious that he would try it again.
  • Natsu: Some of them were accidents though... Oh well, can't blame her.
  • A couple minutes pass and the shower is quiet now. There is the sound of a hair dryer and the door slowly creaks open. Lucy looks out with one eye.
  • Natsu: Is something wrong Lucy?
  • Lucy: N-NO! Can you...please close your eyes?
  • Natsu: Why?...
  • Lucy: JUST DO IT!
  • Natsu closes his eyes quickly, he hears the door of the bathroom closes and she is stepping forward. He smells something sweet coming from her.
  • Lucy: Y-you can open your eyes now...
  • He does and boy is he surprised what he saw. Lucy is wearing very revealing and seducing underwear on. Black stockings, black rose bra and a black panties. She has red lipstick on and she shuffles around very nervously.
  • Natsu: L-L-L-LUCY?!
  • Lucy: SHHH DON'T YELL!
  • Natsu stands up, staring at her with a bright red face, her face turns red as well and she places a closed hand in front of her mouth and looks down at the ground.
  • Natsu: But but but
  • Lucy: I KNOW!...I know but you were gone for so long...and I really want this weekend to be special...
  • Natsu: Special? Wait...you don't mean...
  • Before he can finish his sentence, Lucy leaped at him, making him fall on the bed. They stay there for a minute when Lucy sits up on his lap. She looks down at him, rubbing his chest. She wiggles her hips around and Natsu gets flustered.
  • Lucy: Oh...Looks like even you can be in moods like this.
  • Natsu: I-I don't know w-what you mean!
  • Lucy: Don't worry, I show you...
  • Lucy takes off her bra, takes Natsu hands and places it on her breast. First Natsu hesitates but then he slowly gets into it. Most likely because Lucy let out a small moan when he moved his hands.
  • Natsu: Did I hurt you?!
  • Lucy: N-no silly...it feels good.
  • Natsu: Is that so...what if I...
  • He wrestles Lucy down and places his mouth on of her breast, the more she moans the more he gets into it. He seems to understand what to do and she is definitely enjoying what he does.(Since this is 200 followers special fanfic I won't go into great detail on what they did unless ya request that from me one day xD Too bad, too sad). The night has passed, both of them are sleeping naked, cuddling close to each other. They wake up, give each other one long kiss and smile.
  • As weeks passed Lucy seems to be very nervous about something. Natsu realizes she often leaves the house to go 'have a girls night' but when she comes back she smells like she came back from a hospital. Natsu's curiosity gets the best of him and he grabs her from behind and places her on his lap.
  • Natsu: What's wrong Luce? You seem to be hiding something.
  • Lucy: Oh ehm...I don't know how to tell you this Natsu but...god...I am kinda surprised myself and... I don't know how well you will cope with it.
  • Natsu: Well tell me and we will see.
  • Lucy: Let me just say that whatever I am about to tell you, I am very happy about it and I hope you will be too.
  • Natsu: Okay so its nothing bad.
  • Lucy shakes her head, she stands up. Turns a couple times in her room before facing Natsu while taking a deep breath. She looks him in the eyes, blushes and she says 3 words that made Natsu wide eyed.
  • Lucy: I am pregnant.
  • Silence. Natsu just stares at her, he looks like he just saw a ghost and is trying to understand what he saw. His
  • mouth just closes and shuts.
  • Lucy: Don't leave me in the dark like this! Say something!
  • Suddenly Natsu starts to sweat and smiles nervously. He is grabbing Lucy's tea cup and tries to take a sip but his hands shake so much that it just splatters all over him. He slaps his cheeks and looks at Lucy.
  • Natsu: That...that...THAT IS AWESOME!
  • Even when saying that he is shivering, shaking and sweating.
  • Lucy: You sure? You seem awfully nervous...
  • Natsu: DO I? HUH I DON'T FEEL NERVOUS.
  • The cup he is holding catches on fire. He throws it out of the window.
  • Natsu: I w-w-will get you a n-n-new cup.
  • Lucy: Natsu...what is wrong? You're not happy for us having a child.
  • Natsu finally manages to pull himself together.
  • Natsu: No Lucy it's not that. Its that I can't imagine that we will have a child. I will be a father, you'll be a mother. Maybe some guild members will be the uncles and aunts. I want to be a good father, I need to be a good father. A good man too. I don't want to mess this up but I guess through that I-
  • He keeps on rambling and rambling in a quick manner. He counts on his fingers on things that he wants to do. Lucy first was surprised but she starts to smile and giggle.
  • Lucy: Is the big, strong Dragonslayer scared of taking care of his own child?
  • Natsu: W-who is scared?! M-Me? Noooooooo.
  • Lucy: You are adorable when you are confused and nervous.
  • She gives him a kiss on the cheek, they look at each other and smile together. They spend the day together in her room. Happy flies in and hears about the big news and flies off to tell everybody else. The next day the guild organized a big party for Lucy and the upcoming baby.
  • Gray: Well well well, looks like ash breath managed to add a family member without anybody teaching him.
  • Natsu: You want to go, ice cream boy? So far I know you Juvia is still waiting for a child.
  • Gray: Oi oi, keep your nose out of our relationship.
  • Juvia: Juvia can wait for Gray-sama until he is comfortable with doing it...although Juvia don't mind seducing Gray-sama.
  • Gray: J-juvia! Shhhhhh.
  • Gray blushes strong and puts a finger on her lips. In the mean time Natsu went to Levy and whispered something in her ear. She nods and leads him to the library, she gives him multiple thick books. He goes and hides in a corner and starts reading them.
  • Lucy does not know that Natsu is in the library and this routine goes on for a couple days. Lucy wonders where he keeps on going and why Natsu is so tired all of the time. She secretly followed him. After a couple minutes he fell asleep by the books and she sneaks by to steal a quick glance. They are all books about how to raise a baby, how to be a good father and how to prepare for birth.
  • Lucy: You adorable little idiot~
  • 8 Months pass, Lucy stomach have grown and Natsu has become less nervous about the baby. He does all the shopping so Lucy doesn't need to overwork herself. He sends Happy to look for good baby stores and then goes there to buy all the necessary equipment. Diapers, pacifier, baby milk, a small little bath tub etc. etc.
  • Lucy: Natsu, you should rest a little too, you are overworking yourself.
  • Natsu: I am still full of energy and I will do everything to make you and our child happy.
  • Lucy: That is very sweet of you~ We still need to find a name first.
  • Natsu: Oh god that is difficult...
  • Happy: I think Nashi would work for a girl.
  • Natsu: Nashi?
  • Happy: You know it almost sounds like your name and Lucy's name in one.
  • Lucy: Why not! What if it is a boy.
  • Natsu: Luigi.
  • Lucy: No!
  • Natsu: Aw come on!
  • Lucy: We are not calling our child Luigi and thats...OH!
  • Lucy leans down, holding her stomach. Natsu runs towards her and holds her by her shoulders. She breaths heavy and holds her stomach. Natsu knows from the books he read that the baby is kicking and might be even ready to come out. He uses a communication Lacrima to call a doctor to come to the house and help Lucy. 10 minutes later the doctor is at the door, he walks in with 3 nurses, they prepare the entire room to be ready for Lucy to give birth. Natsu starts sweating again like he did 8 months ago.
  • Doctor: Now sir, your wife will be fine and you don't need to be nervous.
  • Natsu: N-Nervous? W-Who is n-nervous?
  • Doctor: Sir...the couch is on fire...
  • Natsu: O-oh that? I like my couches warm
  • He immediately throws the couch piece by piece out of the window
  • Natsu: I w-will get a new one...
  • Nurse: Do you want to be by your wife side or rather outside.
  • Natsu: I won't leave Lucy!
  • He walks over to Lucy and holds her hand. She presses it very tightly. He is staying strong for her and she is being strong for him. Seconds pass that feel like minutes and minutes pass that feel like hours. Lucy groans and bites her lips so she won't scream. Natsu keeps her hand clamped in both of his, keeps on looking back and forth.
  • Finally, Lucy breathes heavily she doesn't seem to be in pain anymore. There is a cry of a child.
  • Doctor: Congrats Sir. Its a healthy baby girl.
  • Natsu walks over, the baby has been cleaned. She has a little pink fluff on her head, her eyes are like Lucy's. Natsu carefully holds his child in his arms, he smiles softly. He starts crying and walks over to Lucy.
  • Natsu: Lucy look...our child.
  • Lucy: She sure...is a...cute one.
  • Natsu: Lucy why am I crying? I am not sad.
  • Lucy: Dummy...those are...happy tears.
  • They both start crying in happiness.
  • The baby crying with them. Happy snapped a photo and he also gets a little teary.
  • As time flew by, Natsu has shown excellent work at being a father. Almost beating Lucy in her love as a mother. He plays with her, changes her diaper (although at the beginning he had difficulties with that), feeds her and puts her to bed. He thought he was already the happiest man, having a beautiful woman by his side, a cute daughter and friends that he will see everyday. Though one thing has not prepared him for what happened next.
  • Lucy is holding Nashi in her arms as Natsu walks into the room, he has returned from a short quest.
  • Lucy: Welcome home honey~ How did the quest go.
  • Natsu: Let me just say it’s boring without you. Can't we just take Nashi with us?
  • Lucy: And put her into danger? Never.
  • Natsu: ...I protect her?
  • Lucy: A no is a no.
  • Natsu: Okay I understand Miss boring.
  • Lucy: You are such a child!
  • She giggles and Nashi opens her eyes, Natsu comes closer to Lucy and gives Nashi a quick kiss on the forehead.
  • Natsu: Daddy is back Nashi.
  • Nashi: ...
  • Natsu: Have you been a good girl and made mama happy?
  • Nashi: ...
  • Natsu: Did you not grab Happy tail too strong this time?
  • Nashi: ...
  • Natsu: Should I stop asking questions because you won't answer yet?
  • Nashi: Da...Daddy.
  • Natsu: Thats what I thought! So...Wait...
  • Lucy: Did Nashi just...
  • Natsu: NAH! We must have misheard!
  • Nashi: Daddy!
  • Natsu: Nice job Happy! However you are doing this!...Happy is not here...is he?
  • Lucy shakes her head, she puts Nashi down and she walks slowly but steady to Natsu, she trips but grabs hold to his pants. She looks up with a smile. Small little fangs showing just like her father.
  • Nashi: Daddy!
  • Natsu: Its actually you...YOU ARE CALLING ME DADDY!
  • Lucy: Meh! I am jealous~
  • Natsu holds Nashi up and gives her a soft hug as he laughs. The sun shines bright into the room, Lucy smiles at both of them. A happy family.
  • THE END
No Holding Back pt.2

  No holding back pt.2 - riarkle

Rating- T


(Anon I hope you enjoy the other half, and so do all of you <3)

 “Yeah Farkle I really do! Lay it on me Farkley! Don’t hold back. Let it all out, and tell me just how stupid you think I’m being.” He watched Riley the whole world had melted away at this point it was only him, and her. He wasn’t backing away this time.

A whisper was said to someone in Topanga’s neither of them heard it though. “ Should we stop them?” Katy whispered to Topanga, but she just shook her head, and kept working “It was bound to happen with those two also we have let them work out their own problems sometimes.”

There came that feeling of wanting to kiss her again, but he knew it was not the right moment. So he needed to step back enough to where he could think straight again. Letting out a frustrated grunt Farkle took a few steps away from Riley ringing his hands a few times. He then turned facing Riley wondering despite how angry she seemed she was still gorgeous as hell. “It bothers me you underestimate yourself so much!”

“Well it bothers me that you have yet to figure out feelings are stronger then science!” Riley took a step towards him as they started just firing back, and forth at each other.

“I dislike how good you look in that dress!” He said while taking a step towards her this time. The whole room was watching them, but Farkle gave no care keeping his intense glare on Riley. Both of them crossed their arms while yelling at each other.

“I could say the same to you when you wear all those space shirts!”

“Then I won’t wear them anymore!”

“Good! Don't”

“Then problem solved!”

“Oh goody the genius solved another problem that had nothing to do with emotions!”

“Coming from the girl who is so focused on everyone else she has forgotten to remember what she wants.”

“You think you know what I want Farkle?!? If you are so smart then tell me I’m curious as to what you have to say.” For a second Farkle let his mind wander through all the thing him, and Riley had discussed over the years. He probably knew better then even Maya what Riley’s romantic dreams were for herself. Which is why he didn’t get why she usually did the exact opposite. Bringing  his voice down a little he walked back closer to her, but in the direction where a table was between them.

“You’re Riley. You want the fairy tale, you want the love like your mom, and dad. You aren’t them though, and that’s a good thing. You want the white horse, and the Prince charming. You want love that last forever. You want someone that sees you for all the parts of you not just the sunshine since you are so much more then that.” He was proud of his choice of making sure there was a table between them since he wanted to grab her so much right now. To show her how he thinks she deserves to be kissed, and to fix how upsets she was.

“Problem with that Farkle…Is the prince doesn’t exist. He’s not real. That guy you always tell me is coming for me one day is NEVER coming, and its better to accept that now.” The pain in her voice made Farkle bite his lip. This was it. This was the perfect moment, and it was now, or never he thought to himself. Though for the first time during this he hesitated knowing he how hard it would be to go  back to how things were if he revealed the truth. Nervously shuffling he decided just to go for it.

Looking to  the ground for a split second he  swallowed hard before slowly lifting his head. His voice now full of nerves as he softly spoke no longer yelling.“You’re wrong Riley.”

“Oh, and now you are saying I’m wrong. How could you know I’m wrong?!?”  The way Riley yelled made the passion come back as he lurched forward bumping the table. Moving his backpack to the chair while never once taking his eyes off Riley. “The guy who does all those things is right in front of you, as always, but you’d never know it since he isn’t a face!”

He followed Riley as she was started to lean over the table a bit. “Are you talking about yourself Farkle? Because believe me, you have a face! . It’s pretty good looking one too! So Don’t assume you know everything about me!” Farkle couldn’t get himself to actually hear what Riley just said to him. There was no way she just said he had a good face. If that was true why did she notice every guy, but him when none of them even slightly lived up to what he thought Riley deserved.

“I’m not assuming anything Riley…I am going by what I see. If that is true then why  do you go on dates with guys that don’t even care when you have a guy right here! I’ve always been here through every thing. Do you know how in love with you I am?!? You are so perfect just as you are, and I have to watch you like these guys who try to make you think there is something wrong with you.  As soon as you need me I’m right there Always, but then you have the audacity to say no one cares about you the way I described! Even if you Never think of me in a romantic way I’d thought you at least knew their was one guy who loved you for being nothing more then being Riley. That isn’t how my life goes though does it Riley? My parent’s don’t really love each other, and I did learn from them so maybe I have this whole love thing wrong. I have even attempted to get over you, but honestly I don’t want to stop loving you Riley, because the best part of my life is you. So I get I don’t match up to those guy, but I need you to stop saying that the guy doesn’t exist! That is all I need you to do, But I am going home now tomorrow it will be like none of this ever happened I promise so don’t worry okay. You haven’t lost me, and you never will.”  With that Farkle leaned over kissing Riley’s cheek then he grabbed his bag slinging on his shoulder as he walked away. He made sure to not make any eye contact with her being afraid he wouldn’t be able to leave if she looked even remotely upset by his words.

He actually thought he might be in the clear until he heard a small gasp of his name “Farkle…” Playing it off as it being in his head he kept moving towards the door. “Farkle!” This time he figured it had to be real, but he kept trying to pull himself away since he was just done with tonight. “FARKLE MINKUS! You will turn around right this minute, and Talk to me! You don’t get to say something like that, and just Walk away…Also who says I want every thing to go back to how it was.” He couldn’t deny now that Riley was calling him as her yelling went through the whole cafe making Farkle stop instantly. Dropping his bag he turned around facing her seeing she was on the table making his heart quicken in pace both of them staring at each other in silence until Farkle’s fear of her getting injured took over “And I will talk to you as soon as you get down off that table before you hurt yourself!”

He watched as Riley started to rock a bit the table moving just enough to where Farkle caught it making him even more nervous. “Come over here, and make me get down from this table!” He twitched lightly as he made his way over to Riley while speaking.”come on Riley get down!” Riley still didn’t move making Farkle take larger steps towards her. The words maybe I don’t want things to go back echoing in his head.

“If you get down we can talk about whatever you want Riley. We can even talk while we have milk, and cookies.”He tried to coax her down not wanting to add anything to the already rickety table Riley was standing on. “I don’t care about cookies, and milk. I care about you, and what we have. We don’t leave Farkle. You think you can just throw around how love with me you are. That I apparently never notice how amazing you treat me. That you would probably drop everything to take care of me. No you don’t have the love thing wrong. You have loved me exactly right since the day we meant. Of course I know Farkle, but you haven’t once until right now ever stepped up an actually said something. You think you deserve to just stand there, and make it sound as if it this is all on me. You have a mouth, and you could of said something anytime you wanted too. I accepted a long time ago that you would always love Maya, and I the same so I’m sorry If I  didn’t think that had changed.” With that Farkle tried not to react to much  his main focus on Riley, and to get her down from that table.  She was staring him down as Farkle stuck his hand out to her.


“You’re right Riley. I’m sorry I didn’t mean to make it sound like it was all on you. If you take my hand, and get down you can do whatever you want with me. I know I’m stupid. Years ago I should of told you how I felt about you. Truth be told I don’t want things to go back. I want to finally get my chance to show you how much of a princess you truly are. To remind you every day how amazing, and beautiful you are. So yes I love you Riley, and I’m sorry I didn’t tell you sooner. Now if you don’t feel the same that’s okay, and we can just go back to being best friends. A life without you is something I wouldn’t want to live in. So I’ll be happy with whatever you choose, but please get down before you make this robot’s heart jump out of his chest.” He brought his hand a little closer hoping that this would work then Riley started sliding down the table on the other side making Farkle feel slightly disheartened.

All of sudden she was racing towards not giving him enough warning as they both fell on to the floor. Riley then sat on his chest, and even though he couldn’t breath he wouldn’t dare move as he stared in to her eyes still a little shocked. “Did you mean all that Farkle?” Moving his head the best he could in a nodding motion. “Every word Riley, and I always will” When Riley scooted just enough Farkle was able to sit up with Riley still in his lap both of them locked in place. Both wondering who would be the person to make the next movie. Placing one hand on the floor he remembered for a moment where they were. He shot a quick glance at Topanga who was had Katy Clinging to her both of them smiling towards them. Focusing back on Riley he was a little surprised when she started to lean in.

A second before it registered Riley’s lips were on his. It started out small, but when he caught on he starting kissing her back. The small kiss grew a bit bigger, and more intense while wrapping his hands around Riley’s waist. It was the first time Farkle understood what they meant by fireworks. His lips felt like they were on fire, and he knew that nothing could ever make him happier then Riley Matthews. When Riley’s lips pulled away he had to take  in a few breathes taking note that her face was as just as flushed as his. People started to clap, but they both couldn’t move their eyes off each other. “Will you be my girlfriend?” The words flew out of Farkle’s mouth then he heard Riley let out a full heart-ed giggle. “Yes! A million times yes. What took you so long?”

A huge grin was plastered on his face that he couldn’t seem to wipe off. “You know me Riley. I’m the dumbest genius, but I do know I am so lucky to get to love someone like you.” He places his hand on her cheek his heart pounding so fast he didn’t know if it would ever stop, but now in the best way possible “I like to think we are both Lucky, and Thank you for our whole lives so far. You are the greatest guy I have, and I will ever know Farkle. I am in love with you too, and have been for awhile. No one else can compare to a Farkle, and I will make sure from this day on you never forget that.”

Running his thumb across her cheek still shocked at how all this had ended up, but more then happy that he had decided to finally not hold back. “I love you Riley. You me mars?” He Felt Riley wrap her hands around his neck . “I love you to Farkle. Let’s do this thing.” They both knew they had put on a show for the whole cafe, and they knew no one understood the last part. Neither of them paid attention to it though since they were finally exactly where they were meant to be.

@tvshow4life since you wanted to be tagged ^.^

I haven’t written fanfic in about four years. Fourteen year old me wasn’t terrified of writing other people’s characters. Current me is, would never normally touch anyone else’s characters with a ten foot pole, but @littlefists had to bring up that trope for that ship and goddamn I am weak and also owe a lot of my interpretations of those characters to Salt so this is some vague attempt at a thank you I guess. Unedited bc I will lose nerve and not post it otherwise but anyway I’ll shut up now here’s the thing.


Like Spun Glass

The gunfire is so persistent, peppering the air and the dirt with a constant irregular drumming sound, that if Wash closes his eyes he can almost pretend that it’s raining. He can’t, of course, would never close his eyes in the middle of battle, but it’s a nice thought.

It’s about the only nice thing about their current situation.

Keep reading

The Best Time

Killian Jones always considered the expression “raising hell” to be a figure of speech. He never thought he’d have to face the literal version of it one day. And on his ship, of all places - or Liam’s ship, at the moment, if you want to get technical about it. The Jewel of the Realm may have changed names, but Killian insisted that as long as Liam is aboard, he is the captain.

It is fitting, in a way, that it’s the show ground of the final battle for his soul. Fitting, but again, not something he would ever have imagined.

The only unsurprising part of it is that it’s due to Emma Swan. If there’s any person in the world he’d have named as capable of raising hell, literally or otherwise, it would have been her.

And she did it for him. That’s a thought, or rather, a fact, that Killian will probably spend quite a few hours dwelling on, before he can truly believe it.

Right now, of course, Emma is not very happy about the whole situation.

“Son of a bitch,” she yells, fending off another demon with a rather impressive parry. Her sword flashes, and along with it comes a flash of pride in Killian’s chest. Good form. Just like he taught her.

They stay together, moving almost as though in a dance. She catches her attacker’s claw on her blade, and Killian’s hook slashes across the creature’s chest. There’s an unholy shriek, and it staggers back.

He ducks as it lunges for him, and sweeps his foot out. It stumbles - only briefly, but right into Emma’s blade. Another screech, this one cut off abruptly as the bastard crumples to the ground.

Emma grins at Killian as he straightens back up, and he feels his blood sing. It’s a heady mix - the rescue, the battle, the knowledge that he’s fighting side by side with the woman he loves. The woman who loves him, enough to cross into the underworld to get him back.

Killian Jones has always been a man who followed his heart. It has led him along a winding, dark path, but he knows now that it has led him true. It has led him to Emma. And now it’s beating loud and fast in his ears, and pours the words out of his mouth before he can think them over.

“Marry me.”

Emma’s eyes widen just a little. She dances to the side, deftly tripping another attacker, whom Killian sends flying overboard. She has to yell to be heard over the noise. “You mean if we get out of here?”

He shakes his head. “I mean regardless.”

Emma starts to smile, then stops. Cocks her head to the side. Another demon lunges for Killian, and he ducks under it, hoists it over his shoulder, and into Emma’s waiting blade.

When he faces Emma again, she’s smiling like the sun, eyes sparkling. “Then why wait?”

She looks around until her eyes find Liam, who is a few feet away and holding his own quite admirably. “Liam!” she yells. “Marry us!”

Liam looks rather startled. Nearby, David pauses, his eyes wide; luckily, Snow has retained her wits, and shoots the creature lunging for him right in the eye.  Liam kicks away a headless demon before yelling back, “I’m a little busy at present!”

“No time like it!” Killian shouts. “Come on, brother, you’ve never had trouble talking while you fight before!”

“Very well!” Liam’s sword flashes. “But I’ll have to skip the speeches!”

“Good!” Emma yells, and Liam’s face breaks into a wide smile.

“Do you, Emma Swan, take Killian Jones—” the next words are drowned out by another shriek, “—husband?”

Emma stabs her sword into the demon trying to claw its way towards Regina’s back. “I do!”

The words sound unreal, although later, Killian will reflect that in the heat of battle, they still feel more real than they might have otherwise. As it stands, he has little time to stop and wonder that Emma Swan is really, truly, marrying him right now.

“Do you, Killian Jones—” Killian lurches back, out of the way of a fireball; it misses its target, but the demon flinches, and Killian’s blade is there. “— wedded wife?”

Killian pulls Emma out of the way of a slashing claw. “I do!”

“Then as captain, I now pronounce you—” Liam slashes at a demon, “husband and wife. You may kiss the—” He stops as the demon lunges for him. Ducking, he slashes at it again, then kicks it away.

“You may kiss—”

The demon turns and lunges back towards him. Killian’s heart skips a beat. But  David is there, catching it across the back with its blade. It swings for him in turn, but Liam is already moving, and slashes his blade through its neck.

“Just kiss!” he yells.

Emma stabs and kicks another demon, sending it sprawling back. Then she grabs the lapel of Killian’s coat and hauls him towards her. Killian’s hooked arm goes around her waist and he bends his head, kissing her like it’s the first time - and in a way, it feels like it is. His heart wants to burst out of his chest, and it’s only the noise and the sword in his hand that keeps him from completely forgetting where he is.

They break apart just as another demon approaches, and stab it together.

Till death do us part, the words echo through Killian’s head, and he smiles.

Not that it can.

  • Baby: www
  • Mother: one? Wuv? Do you wuv me?
  • Baby: w-ww- Once upon a time there was a lovely princess. But she had an enchantment upon her of a fearful sort which could only be broken by love's first kiss. She was locked away in a castle guarded by a terrible fire-breathing dragon.
  • Many brave knights had attempted to
  • free her from this dreadful prison,
  • but non prevailed. She waited in the
  • dragon's keep in the highest room of
  • the tallest tower for her true love
  • and true love's first kiss. (laughs)
  • Like that's ever gonna happen. What
  • a load of - (toilet flush)
  • Allstar - by Smashmouth begins to play. Shrek goes about his
  • day. While in a nearby town, the villagers get together to go
  • after the ogre.
  • NIGHT - NEAR SHREK'S HOME
  • MAN1
  • Think it's in there?
  • MAN2
  • All right. Let's get it!
  • MAN1
  • Whoa. Hold on. Do you know what that
  • thing can do to you?
  • MAN3
  • Yeah, it'll grind your bones for it's
  • bread.
  • Shrek sneaks up behind them and laughs.
  • SHREK
  • Yes, well, actually, that would be a
  • giant. Now, ogres, oh they're much worse.
  • They'll make a suit from your freshly
  • peeled skin.
  • MEN
  • No!
  • SHREK
  • They'll shave your liver. Squeeze the
  • jelly from your eyes! Actually, it's
  • quite good on toast.
  • MAN1
  • Back! Back, beast! Back! I warn ya!
  • (waves the torch at Shrek.)
  • Shrek calmly licks his fingers and extinguishes the torch. The
  • men shrink back away from him. Shrek roars very loudly and long
  • and his breath extinguishes all the remaining torches until the
  • men are in the dark.
  • SHREK
  • This is the part where you run away.
  • (The men scramble to get away. He laughs.)
  • And stay out! (looks down and picks
  • up a piece of paper. Reads.) "Wanted.
  • Fairy tale creatures."(He sighs and
  • throws the paper over his shoulder.)
  • THE NEXT DAY
  • There is a line of fairy tale creatures. The head of the guard
  • sits at a table paying people for bringing the fairy tale creatures
  • to him. There are cages all around. Some of the people in line
  • are Peter Pan, who is carrying Tinkerbell in a cage, Gipetto
  • who's carrying Pinocchio, and a farmer who is carrying the three
  • little pigs.
  • GUARD
  • All right. This one's full. Take it
  • away! Move it along. Come on! Get up!
  • HEAD GUARD
  • Next!
  • GUARD
  • (taking the witch's broom) Give me that!
  • Your flying days are over. (breaks the
  • broom in half)
  • HEAD GUARD
  • That's 20 pieces of silver for the witch.
  • Next!
  • GUARD
  • Get up! Come on!
  • HEAD GUARD
  • Twenty pieces.
  • LITTLE BEAR
  • (crying) This cage is too small.
  • DONKEY
  • Please, don't turn me in. I'll never
  • be stubborn again. I can change. Please!
  • Give me another chance!
  • OLD WOMAN
  • Oh, shut up. (jerks his rope)
  • DONKEY
  • Oh!
  • HEAD GUARD
  • Next! What have you got?
  • GIPETTO
  • This little wooden puppet.
  • PINOCCHIO
  • I'm not a puppet. I'm a real boy. (his
  • nose grows)
  • HEAD GUARD
  • Five shillings for the possessed toy.
  • Take it away.
  • PINOCCHIO
  • Father, please! Don't let them do this!
  • Help me!
  • Gipetto takes the money and walks off. The old woman steps up
  • to the table.
  • HEAD GUARD
  • Next! What have you got?
  • OLD WOMAN
  • Well, I've got a talking donkey.
  • HEAD GUARD
  • Right. Well, that's good for ten shillings,
  • if you can prove it.
  • OLD WOMAN
  • Oh, go ahead, little fella.
  • Donkey just looks up at her.
  • HEAD GUARD
  • Well?
  • OLD WOMAN
  • Oh, oh, he's just...he's just a little
  • nervous. He's really quite a chatterbox.
  • Talk, you boneheaded dolt...
  • HEAD GUARD
  • That's it. I've heard enough. Guards!
  • OLD WOMAN
  • No, no, he talks! He does. (pretends
  • to be Donkey) I can talk. I love to
  • talk. I'm the talkingest damn thing
  • you ever saw.
  • HEAD GUARD
  • Get her out of my sight.
  • OLD WOMAN
  • No, no! I swear! Oh! He can talk!
  • The guards grab the old woman and she struggles with them. One
  • of her legs flies out and kicks Tinkerbell out of Peter Pan's
  • hands, and her cage drops on Donkey's head. He gets sprinkled
  • with fairy dust and he's able to fly.
  • DONKEY
  • Hey! I can fly!
  • PETER PAN
  • He can fly!
  • 3 LITTLE PIGS
  • He can fly!
  • HEAD GUARD
  • He can talk!
  • DONKEY
  • Ha, ha! That's right, fool! Now I'm
  • a flying, talking donkey. You might
  • have seen a housefly, maybe even a superfly
  • but I bet you ain't never seen a donkey
  • fly. Ha, ha! (the pixie dust begins
  • to wear off) Uh-oh. (he begins to sink
  • to the ground.)
  • He hits the ground with a thud.
  • HEAD GUARD
  • Seize him! (Donkey takes of running.)
  • After him!
  • GUARDS
  • He's getting away! Get him! This way!
  • Turn!
  • Donkey keeps running and he eventually runs into Shrek. Literally.
  • Shrek turns around to see who bumped into him. Donkey looks scared
  • for a moment then he spots the guards coming up the path. He
  • quickly hides behind Shrek.
  • HEAD GUARD
  • You there. Ogre!
  • SHREK
  • Aye?
  • HEAD GUARD
  • By the order of Lord Farquaad I am authorized
  • to place you both under arrest and transport
  • you to a designated resettlement facility.
  • SHREK
  • Oh, really? You and what army?
  • He looks behind the guard and the guard turns to look as well
  • and we see that the other men have run off. The guard tucks tail
  • and runs off. Shrek laughs and goes back about his business and
  • begins walking back to his cottage.
  • DONKEY
  • Can I say something to you? Listen,
  • you was really, really, really somethin'
  • back here. Incredible!
  • SHREK
  • Are you talkin' to...(he turns around
  • and Donkey is gone) me? (he turns back
  • around and Donkey is right in front
  • of him.) Whoa!
  • DONKEY
  • Yes. I was talkin' to you. Can I tell
  • you that you that you was great back
  • here? Those guards! They thought they
  • was all of that. Then you showed up,
  • and bam! They was trippin' over themselves
  • like babes in the woods. That really
  • made me feel good to see that.
  • SHREK
  • Oh, that's great. Really.
  • DONKEY
  • Man, it's good to be free.
  • SHREK
  • Now, why don't you go celebrate your
  • freedom with your own friends? Hmm?
  • DONKEY
  • But, uh, I don't have any friends. And
  • I'm not goin' out there by myself. Hey,
  • wait a minute! I got a great idea! I'll
  • stick with you. You're mean, green,
  • fightin' machine. Together we'll scare
  • the spit out of anybody that crosses
  • us.
  • Shrek turns and regards Donkey for a moment before roaring very
  • loudly.
  • DONKEY
  • Oh, wow! That was really scary. If you
  • don't mind me sayin', if that don't
  • work, your breath certainly will get
  • the job done, 'cause you definitely
  • need some Tic Tacs or something, 'cause
  • you breath stinks! You almost burned
  • the hair outta my nose, just like the
  • time...(Shrek covers his mouth but Donkey
  • continues to talk, so Shrek removes
  • his hand.) ...then I ate some rotten
  • berries. I had strong gases leaking
  • out of my butt that day.
  • SHREK
  • Why are you following me?
  • DONKEY
  • I'll tell you why. (singing) 'Cause
  • I'm all alone, There's no one here beside
  • me, My problems have all gone, There's
  • no one to deride me, But you gotta have
  • faith...
  • SHREK
  • Stop singing! It's no wonder you don't
  • have any friends.
  • DONKEY
  • Wow. Only a true friend would be that
  • cruelly honest.
  • SHREK
  • Listen, little donkey. Take a look at
  • me. What am I?
  • DONKEY
  • (looks all the way up at Shrek) Uh ...really
  • tall?
  • SHREK
  • No! I'm an ogre! You know. "Grab your
  • torch and pitchforks." Doesn't that
  • bother you?
  • DONKEY
  • Nope.
  • SHREK
  • Really?
  • DONKEY
  • Really, really.
  • SHREK
  • Oh.
  • DONKEY
  • Man, I like you. What's you name?
  • SHREK
  • Uh, Shrek

anonymous asked:

PROMPT: "You stole my cat!" = AU where Clarke and Bellamy live in the same building but don't know eachother, and Clarke's cat sneaks out to Bellamy's and Bellamy takes him in and renames him and like a month later the cat gets out and goes back to Clarke's with a collar with Bellamy's address on it.

so i got REALLY excited that somebody sent me a prompt (thank you so much btw) and wrote it in like an hour, so i’m just going to leave this here


           Being a cop meant that Bellamy worked some relatively strange hours, so when he got back to his apartment just after 2 in the morning, wanting nothing more than to sleep off the shift he’d just barely survived, he wasn’t overly happy to find a cat sitting in front of his door.

           And when he pushed the stupid animal aside and opened the door only to have it dart past his feet and into his apartment, he was even more unimpressed. Suffice to say, after he spent 10 less-than-dignified minutes chasing it around, and then trying to lure it out of hiding, he was pissed off.

           But he was also exhausted, so he slammed his bedroom door and threw his clothes on the ground, brushing his teeth quicker than his dentist would have wanted, before he collapsed into bed, closing his eyes and deciding to deal with the thing in the morning.

           And then he heard something rattle behind his nightstand, and a soft put, and the scratch of claws on wood, and, when the goddamn cat burrowed itself into his blankets seconds later, he couldn’t stop himself from yelling, “Fuck,” into his pillow.

           But the animal wasn’t really bothering him, and he really was tired, so he closed his eyes and told himself he’d deal with it in the morning.

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a little (slightly cracky) something inspired by magicalplaylist’s reindeer!blaine and the fact that deer represent kindness, generosity, innocence, and determination. aka Blaine.

contains mystical/mythological sort of aspects even though I can’t find any existing myths of deer-people. whoops.

The first time Kurt gets lost in the woods, he’s nine years old. It’s spring.

He hadn’t meant to get lost, of course. It’s just that the old cabin that he and his dad visit every once in a while happens to be ensconced deep within the trees, and once he wanders out of view of the warm light that seeps from the windows, the trees turn into an unending labyrinth.

Being lost doesn’t worry him immediately. He’s sure that he knows the way back, so he simply keeps walking, nose scrunched when he accidentally steps in a patch of mud. The wilderness has never been his favorite thing in the world, but right now it’s calming, how the golden light of sunset dripping through the leaves stamp a pattern on the forest floor. It reminds him of a song – a wordless song – that his mom used to sing. A melodic hum, a soft whistle, and over again.

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anonymous asked:

Imagine an Irish/Brooklyn Steve getting red and angry (or red and horny) and his accent coming out.

Once he’s gotten him out of the alley, Bucky still has to carry Steve practically all the way home. By the time they get back to their apartment building, Steve’s stopped flailing, instead going totally limp in Bucky’s arms to make it as hard as possible for his friend to carry him; the blood gushing from his nose has slowed. But he’s still glaring at everyone who looks at them, muttering “fuck off"s and "what the hell are you lookin’ at?"s at anyone whose eyes land on them for more than a second or two.

Their apartment is tiny and they don’t even have their own bathroom, but Bucky dumps Steve on the kitchen table and grabs the first aid kit from where it sits next to the door. Steve’s cooled off, mostly, but when Bucky presses a freezing wet towel to Steve’s nose, he flinches back and Bucky can just see his temper flare up again as his face goes red rapidly.

"Jesus, Buck, that’s fuckin' cold,” Steve snaps. “Quit it. I’ll fix up on my own.”

Bucky ignores him, cupping a hand around the back of Steve’s neck so he can’t squirm away. Steve starts swearing vehemently, muffled by the towel, but Bucky just smirks. “Shut up, Stevie,” he says, amused. “The fight’s over. I’m helpin’.”

“Yeah, well, I don’t want your help,” Steve snarls, and shoves at Bucky as hard as he can. For such a shrimp, Steve’s push sends Bucky back against the counter behind him. Steve hops to his feet, and oh, he’s angry. Really angry. His hands ball into fists at his sides, but he doesn’t come at Bucky. “You should’ve let me finish that fight. You’re supposed to be on my side.”

“I'm always on your side,” Bucky replies. “How many times have I kept you from gettin’ killed at the hands of some thug? If that’s not on your side, then what the hell is?”

“How about actually stepping into it with me?” Bucky watches as Steve turns away, sharp. “If you’re not with me, you’re against me, ain’t that what they say?”

Nobody but Steve can make Bucky this mad this fast. He drags Steve around by the shoulder, backs him up against the wall, puts his forearm across his chest–not enough to cut Steve’s breathing, but enough to hold him there. “Don’t you fucking try that with me,” he growls. Their faces are very close together. “Don’t. Enough of this world’s already against you, and you’re tryin’ to make me join ‘em? You got some nerve, Steve. You got some real nerve.”

It’s not a surprise when Steve shoves him again, but Bucky goes anyway, because he can handle being tossed around a bit if it means Steve doesn’t get himself stepped on by someone too big for him to survive. Steve follows, knees him in the stomach, and as Bucky doubles over, winded, he can’t help grinning a bit, because Steve may be easy to beat in a fight, but it’s not because he doesn’t know how to scrap.

“Sure feels like you’re against me, Bucky,” Steve says as he gets Bucky on the ground, knee against his chest. “It’s like you don’t want me to have any fun.”

“You’re fucked up,” Bucky says as matter-of-factly as he can. “If you think it’s fun to get your face bashed in, you’re fucked up.”

The blush fading from his cheeks, Steve gives a half-smile and shifts so he’s sitting on Bucky’s belly. “Maybe I think it’s fun making you carry me home.”

“I ain’t your plaything, you know.”

Steve laughs outright at that. “Oh, ain’t you?” he asks, leaning down. His nose brushes against Bucky’s, and, oh, what has he gotten himself into this time? He’s a fly frozen in amber, in Steve’s eyes on his. “You sure as shit seem to be around whenever I crook my fingers.”

Is Bucky imagining things, or is Steve beginning to flush again? And also, did Steve intend to make that a filthy double entendre? He waits it out, holding his breath, because all he can think about is how it might feel to get fucked right here on the kitchen floor. Pretty good, he imagines.

“You gonna defend yourself?” Steve asks.

Bucky clears his throat. “I, um,” is all he can think to say. Steve chuckles low, his lips just barely brushing against Bucky’s.

“Yeah, that’s what I thought.”

fic: one step at a time

Summary: They get detention of course. Principal Sylvester cites them for disturbing the peace with an impromptu performance. “And I will not stand for that kind of jovial folk-socialism on my campus.” post 5x13, the newbies deal with the loss of their glee club. completely due to this post 

On the last day of school Marley stands in the middle of the courtyard and starts belting out Home. Their group has dwindled now that the seniors have graduated and all the former Glee Club members have gone back to wherever it is they came from when they got word of the club’s imminent demise. There’s a second, between Alabama and Arkansas, when her voice sounds small, dwarfed by the open sky and the busy hustle of the courtyard at lunch, unguarded outside the choir room walls (but there is no choir room, not anymore, and Marley still has songs to sing. She’s been quiet for too long already. So she’s going to sing).

 

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csheary  asked:

ahhhh hope your exam goes well!! i don't really have any ideas for a prompt but how about...a ghost au...(for either patater or nurseydex i dont mind)

It went pretty great man thanks!! See I could make this really angsty but lbr… it’s me and I just wrote angst so have some patater ghost fluff!! (still a little angsty lol whoops)

Alexei doesn’t mind being dead, really. He could have chosen a nicer way to go than dying in a car accident, but the afterlife isn’t really so bad. He haunts his little section of road and is pretty content. He’s right by a forest and he finds the trees and the sounds of wildlife calming. 

It’s a bit lonely though.

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5x15 reaction/spec fic. this is mostly because of last night’s promo, but also because of all the spoilers we’ve had for this episode and because i like to torture myself. it’s probably not even good, but i just felt like writing it

spoilers for 5x15, obviously

tw for mentions of violence and assault

Beep.

Beep. 

Beep. 

Blaine sits on the edge of the small bed, stares at the tangle of wires and tubes and clinically clean white sheets surrounding Kurt. The sound of the rhythmically beating heart monitor, somewhere in the room with them, is distant to him. Unimportant to him. 

Except at the same time, it’s a comfort to him. Proof of life. Proof that those men - those monsters that just left him there - hadn’t caused the unspeakable to happen. 

(Yet, the tiny voice of doubt and terror whispers in the back of his mind)

He’s barely aware of anything else. He can hear periodic shuffling behind him - Sam, perhaps. Muffled sobs from Mercedes that she tries to stifle in her sleeve.

Rachel is silent. She stands next to Mercedes with dried tear tracks down her face, a look of frozen disbelief there like she can’t believe what just happened. Like she can’t process it. 

Blaine feels the same way. 

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tumblr won’t let me put this under a cut, so. thanks @echoflora lmao
SHREK

                                       Written by

                                William Steig & Ted Elliott




                                     SHREK
                         Once upon a time there was a lovely 
                         princess. But she had an enchantment 
                         upon her of a fearful sort which could 
                         only be broken by love's first kiss. 
                         She was locked away in a castle guarded 
                         by a terrible fire-breathing dragon. 
                         Many brave knights had attempted to 
                         free her from this dreadful prison, 
                         but non prevailed. She waited in the 
                         dragon's keep in the highest room of 
                         the tallest tower for her true love 
                         and true love's first kiss. (laughs) 
                         Like that's ever gonna happen. What 
                         a load of - (toilet flush)
               Allstar - by Smashmouth begins to play. Shrek goes about his 
               day. While in a nearby town, the villagers get together to go 
               after the ogre.
               NIGHT - NEAR SHREK'S HOME
                                     MAN1
                         Think it's in there?

                                     MAN2
                         All right. Let's get it!

                                     MAN1
                         Whoa. Hold on. Do you know what that 
                         thing can do to you?
                                     MAN3
                         Yeah, it'll grind your bones for it's 
                         bread.
               Shrek sneaks up behind them and laughs.

                                     SHREK
                         Yes, well, actually, that would be a 
                         giant. Now, ogres, oh they're much worse. 
                         They'll make a suit from your freshly 
                         peeled skin.
                                     MEN
                         No!

                                     SHREK
                         They'll shave your liver. Squeeze the 
                         jelly from your eyes! Actually, it's 
                         quite good on toast.
                                     MAN1
                         Back! Back, beast! Back! I warn ya! 
                         (waves the torch at Shrek.)
               Shrek calmly licks his fingers and extinguishes the torch. The 
               men shrink back away from him. Shrek roars very loudly and long 
               and his breath extinguishes all the remaining torches until the 
               men are in the dark.
                                     SHREK
                         This is the part where you run away. 
                         (The men scramble to get away. He laughs.) 
                         And stay out! (looks down and picks 
                         up a piece of paper. Reads.) "Wanted. 
                         Fairy tale creatures."(He sighs and 
                         throws the paper over his shoulder.)
               THE NEXT DAY

               There is a line of fairy tale creatures. The head of the guard 
               sits at a table paying people for bringing the fairy tale creatures 
               to him. There are cages all around. Some of the people in line 
               are Peter Pan, who is carrying Tinkerbell in a cage, Gipetto 
               who's carrying Pinocchio, and a farmer who is carrying the three 
               little pigs.
                                     GUARD
                         All right. This one's full. Take it 
                         away! Move it along. Come on! Get up!
                                     HEAD GUARD
                         Next!

                                     GUARD
                         (taking the witch's broom) Give me that! 
                         Your flying days are over. (breaks the 
                         broom in half)
                                     HEAD GUARD
                         That's 20 pieces of silver for the witch. 
                         Next!
                                     GUARD
                         Get up! Come on!

                                     HEAD GUARD
                         Twenty pieces.

                                     LITTLE BEAR
                         (crying) This cage is too small.

                                     DONKEY
                         Please, don't turn me in. I'll never 
                         be stubborn again. I can change. Please! 
                         Give me another chance!
                                     OLD WOMAN
                         Oh, shut up. (jerks his rope)

                                     DONKEY
                         Oh!

                                     HEAD GUARD
                         Next! What have you got?

                                     GIPETTO
                         This little wooden puppet.

                                     PINOCCHIO
                         I'm not a puppet. I'm a real boy. (his 
                         nose grows)
                                     HEAD GUARD
                         Five shillings for the possessed toy. 
                         Take it away.
                                     PINOCCHIO
                         Father, please! Don't let them do this! 
                         Help me!
               Gipetto takes the money and walks off. The old woman steps up 
               to the table.
                                     HEAD GUARD
                         Next! What have you got?

                                     OLD WOMAN
                         Well, I've got a talking donkey.

                                     HEAD GUARD
                         Right. Well, that's good for ten shillings, 
                         if you can prove it.
                                     OLD WOMAN
                         Oh, go ahead, little fella.

               Donkey just looks up at her.

                                     HEAD GUARD
                         Well?

                                     OLD WOMAN
                         Oh, oh, he's just...he's just a little 
                         nervous. He's really quite a chatterbox. 
                         Talk, you boneheaded dolt...
                                     HEAD GUARD
                         That's it. I've heard enough. Guards!
                                     OLD WOMAN
                         No, no, he talks! He does. (pretends 
                         to be Donkey) I can talk. I love to 
                         talk. I'm the talkingest damn thing 
                         you ever saw.
                                     HEAD GUARD
                         Get her out of my sight.

                                     OLD WOMAN
                         No, no! I swear! Oh! He can talk!

               The guards grab the old woman and she struggles with them. One 
               of her legs flies out and kicks Tinkerbell out of Peter Pan's 
               hands, and her cage drops on Donkey's head. He gets sprinkled 
               with fairy dust and he's able to fly.
                                     DONKEY
                         Hey! I can fly!

                                     PETER PAN
                         He can fly!

                                     3 LITTLE PIGS
                         He can fly!

                                     HEAD GUARD
                         He can talk!

                                     DONKEY
                         Ha, ha! That's right, fool! Now I'm 
                         a flying, talking donkey. You might 
                         have seen a housefly, maybe even a superfly 
                         but I bet you ain't never seen a donkey 
                         fly. Ha, ha! (the pixie dust begins 
                         to wear off) Uh-oh. (he begins to sink 
                         to the ground.)
               He hits the ground with a thud.

                                     HEAD GUARD
                         Seize him! (Donkey takes of running.) 
                         After him!
                                     GUARDS
                         He's getting away! Get him! This way! 
                         Turn!
               Donkey keeps running and he eventually runs into Shrek. Literally. 
               Shrek turns around to see who bumped into him. Donkey looks scared 
               for a moment then he spots the guards coming up the path. He 
               quickly hides behind Shrek.
                                     HEAD GUARD
                         You there. Ogre!

                                     SHREK
                         Aye?

                                     HEAD GUARD
                         By the order of Lord Farquaad I am authorized 
                         to place you both under arrest and transport 
                         you to a designated resettlement facility.
                                     SHREK
                         Oh, really? You and what army?

               He looks behind the guard and the guard turns to look as well 
               and we see that the other men have run off. The guard tucks tail 
               and runs off. Shrek laughs and goes back about his business and 
               begins walking back to his cottage.
                                     DONKEY
                         Can I say something to you? Listen, 
                         you was really, really, really somethin' 
                         back here. Incredible!
                                     SHREK
                         Are you talkin' to...(he turns around 
                         and Donkey is gone) me? (he turns back 
                         around and Donkey is right in front 
                         of him.) Whoa!
                                     DONKEY
                         Yes. I was talkin' to you. Can I tell 
                         you that you that you was great back 
                         here? Those guards! They thought they 
                         was all of that. Then you showed up, 
                         and bam! They was trippin' over themselves 
                         like babes in the woods. That really 
                         made me feel good to see that.
                                     SHREK
                         Oh, that's great. Really.

                                     DONKEY
                         Man, it's good to be free.

                                     SHREK
                         Now, why don't you go celebrate your 
                         freedom with your own friends? Hmm?
                                     DONKEY
                         But, uh, I don't have any friends. And 
                         I'm not goin' out there by myself. Hey, 
                         wait a minute! I got a great idea! I'll 
                         stick with you. You're mean, green, 
                         fightin' machine. Together we'll scare 
                         the spit out of anybody that crosses 
                         us.
               Shrek turns and regards Donkey for a moment before roaring very 
               loudly.
                                     DONKEY
                         Oh, wow! That was really scary. If you 
                         don't mind me sayin', if that don't 
                         work, your breath certainly will get 
                         the job done, 'cause you definitely 
                         need some Tic Tacs or something, 'cause 
                         you breath stinks! You almost burned 
                         the hair outta my nose, just like the 
                         time...(Shrek covers his mouth but Donkey 
                         continues to talk, so Shrek removes 
                         his hand.) ...then I ate some rotten 
                         berries. I had strong gases leaking 
                         out of my butt that day.
                                     SHREK
                         Why are you following me?

                                     DONKEY
                         I'll tell you why. (singing) 'Cause 
                         I'm all alone, There's no one here beside 
                         me, My problems have all gone, There's 
                         no one to deride me, But you gotta have 
                         faith...
                                     SHREK
                         Stop singing! It's no wonder you don't 
                         have any friends.
                                     DONKEY
                         Wow. Only a true friend would be that 
                         cruelly honest.
                                     SHREK
                         Listen, little donkey. Take a look at 
                         me. What am I?
                                     DONKEY
                         (looks all the way up at Shrek) Uh ...really 
                         tall?
                                     SHREK
                         No! I'm an ogre! You know. "Grab your 
                         torch and pitchforks." Doesn't that 
                         bother you?
                                     DONKEY
                         Nope.

                                     SHREK
                         Really?

                                     DONKEY
                         Really, really.

                                     SHREK
                         Oh.

                                     DONKEY
                         Man, I like you. What's you name?

                                     SHREK
                         Uh, Shrek.

                                     DONKEY
                         Shrek? Well, you know what I like about 
                         you, Shrek? You got that kind of I-don't-care-what-nobody-thinks-of-me 
                         thing. I like that. I respect that, 
                         Shrek. You all right. (They come over 
                         a hill and you can see Shrek's cottage.) 
                         Whoa! Look at that. Who'd want to live 
                         in place like that?
                                     SHREK
                         That would be my home.

                                     DONKEY
                         Oh! And it is lovely! Just beautiful. 
                         You know you are quite a decorator. 
                         It's amazing what you've done with such 
                         a modest budget. I like that boulder. 
                         That is a nice boulder. I guess you 
                         don't entertain much, do you?
                                     SHREK
                         I like my privacy.

                                     DONKEY
                         You know, I do too. That's another thing 
                         we have in common. Like I hate it when 
                         you got somebody in your face. You've 
                         trying to give them a hint, and they 
                         won't leave. There's that awkward silence. 
                         (awkward silence) Can I stay with you?
                                     SHREK
                         Uh, what?

                                     DONKEY
                         Can I stay with you, please?

                                     SHREK
                         (sarcastically) Of course!

                                     DONKEY
                         Really?

                                     SHREK
                         No.

                                     DONKEY
                         Please! I don't wanna go back there! 
                         You don't know what it's like to be 
                         considered a freak. (pause while he 
                         looks at Shrek) Well, maybe you do. 
                         But that's why we gotta stick together. 
                         You gotta let me stay! Please! Please!
                                     SHREK
                         Okay! Okay! But one night only.

                                     DONKEY
                         Ah! Thank you! (he runs inside the cottage)
                                     SHREK
                         What are you...? (Donkey hops up onto 
                         a chair.) No! No!
                                     DONKEY
                         This is gonna be fun! We can stay up 
                         late, swappin' manly stories, and in 
                         the mornin' I'm makin' waffles.
                                     SHREK
                         Oh!

                                     DONKEY
                         Where do, uh, I sleep?

                                     SHREK
                         (irritated) Outside!

                                     DONKEY
                         Oh, well, I guess that's cool. I mean, 
                         I don't know you, and you don't know 
                         me, so I guess outside is best, you 
                         know. Here I go. Good night. (Shrek 
                         slams the door.) (sigh) I mean, I do 
                         like the outdoors. I'm a donkey. I was 
                         born outside. I'll just be sitting by 
                         myself outside, I guess, you know. By 
                         myself, outside. I'm all alone...there's 
                         no one here beside me...
               SHREK'S COTTAGE - NIGHT

               Shrek is getting ready for dinner. He sits himself down and lights 
               a candle made out of earwax. He begins to eat when he hears a 
               noise. He stands up with a huff.
                                     SHREK
                         (to Donkey) I thought I told you to 
                         stay outside.
                                     DONKEY
                         (from the window) I am outside.

               There is another noise and Shrek turns to find the person that 
               made the noise. He sees several shadows moving. He finally turns 
               and spots 3 blind mice on his table.
                                     BLIND MOUSE1
                         Well, gents, it's a far cry from the 
                         farm, but what choice do we have?
                                     BLIND MOUSE2
                         It's not home, but it'll do just fine.
                                     GORDO
                         (bouncing on a slug) What a lovely bed.
                                     SHREK
                         Got ya. (Grabs a mouse, but it escapes 
                         and lands on his shoulder.)
                                     GORDO
                         I found some cheese. (bites Shrek's 
                         ear)
                                     SHREK
                         Ow!

                                     GORDO
                         Blah! Awful stuff.

                                     BLIND MOUSE1
                         Is that you, Gordo?

                                     GORDO
                         How did you know?

                                     SHREK
                         Enough! (he grabs the 3 mice) What are 
                         you doing in my house? (He gets bumped 
                         from behind and he drops the mice.) 
                         Hey! (he turns and sees the Seven Dwarves 
                         with Snow White on the table.) Oh, no, 
                         no, no. Dead broad off the table.
                                     DWARF
                         Where are we supposed to put her? The 
                         bed's taken.
                                     SHREK
                         Huh?

               Shrek marches over to the bedroom and throws back the curtain. 
               The Big Bad Wolf is sitting in the bed. The wolf just looks at 
               him.
                                     BIG BAD WOLF
                         What?

               TIME LAPSE

               Shrek now has the Big Bad Wolf by the collar and is dragging 
               him to the front door.
                                     SHREK
                         I live in a swamp. I put up signs. I'm 
                         a terrifying ogre! What do I have to 
                         do get a little privacy? (He opens the 
                         front door to throw the Wolf out and 
                         he sees that all the collected Fairy 
                         Tale Creatures are on his land.) Oh, 
                         no. No! No!
               The 3 bears sit around the fire, the pied piper is playing his 
               pipe and the rats are all running to him, some elves are directing 
               flight traffic so that the fairies and witches can land...etc.
                                     SHREK
                         What are you doing in my swamp? (this 
                         echoes and everyone falls silent.)
               Gasps are heard all around. The 3 good fairies hide inside a 
               tent.
                                     SHREK
                         All right, get out of here. All of you, 
                         move it! Come on! Let's go! Hapaya! 
                         Hapaya! Hey! Quickly. Come on! (more 
                         dwarves run inside the house) No, no! 
                         No, no. Not there. Not there. (they 
                         shut the door on him) Oh! (turns to 
                         look at Donkey)
                                     DONKEY
                         Hey, don't look at me. I didn't invite 
                         them.
                                     PINOCCHIO
                         Oh, gosh, no one invited us.

                                     SHREK
                         What?

                                     PINOCCHIO
                         We were forced to come here.

                                     SHREK
                         (flabbergasted) By who?

                                     LITTLE PIG
                         Lord Farquaad. He huffed and he puffed 
                         and he...signed an eviction notice.
                                     SHREK
                         (heavy sigh) All right. Who knows where 
                         this Farquaad guy is?
               Everyone looks around at each other but no one answers.

                                     DONKEY
                         Oh, I do. I know where he is.

                                     SHREK
                         Does anyone else know where to find 
                         him? Anyone at all?
                                     DONKEY
                         Me! Me!

                                     SHREK
                         Anyone?

                                     DONKEY
                         Oh! Oh, pick me! Oh, I know! I know! 
                         Me, me!
                                     SHREK
                         (sigh) Okay, fine. Attention, all fairy 
                         tale things. Do not get comfortable. 
                         Your welcome is officially worn out. 
                         In fact, I'm gonna see this guy Farquaad 
                         right now and get you all off my land 
                         and back where you came from! (Pause. 
                         Then the crowd goes wild.) Oh! (to Donkey) 
                         You! You're comin' with me.
                                     DONKEY
                         All right, that's what I like to hear, 
                         man. Shrek and Donkey, two stalwart 
                         friends, off on a whirlwind big-city 
                         adventure. I love it!
                                     DONKEY
                         (singing) On the road again. Sing it 
                         with me, Shrek. I can't wait to get 
                         on the road again.
                                     SHREK
                         What did I say about singing?

                                     DONKEY
                         Can I whistle?

                                     SHREK
                         No.

                                     DONKEY
                         Can I hum it?

                                     SHREK
                         All right, hum it.

               Donkey begins to hum 'On the Road Again'.

               DULOC - KITCHEN

               A masked man is torturing the Gingerbread Man. He's continually 
               dunking him in a glass of milk. Lord Farquaad walks in.
                                     FARQUAAD
                         That's enough. He's ready to talk.
               The Gingerbread Man is pulled out of the milk and slammed down 
               onto a cookie sheet. Farquaad laughs as he walks over to the 
               table. However when he reaches the table we see that it goes 
               up to his eyes. He clears his throat and the table is lowered.
                                     FARQUAAD
                         (he picks up the Gingerbread Man's legs 
                         and plays with them) Run, run, run, 
                         as fast as you can. You can't catch 
                         me. I'm the gingerbread man.
                                     GINGERBREAD MAN
                         You are a monster.

                                     FARQUAAD
                         I'm not the monster here. You are. You 
                         and the rest of that fairy tale trash, 
                         poisoning my perfect world. Now, tell 
                         me! Where are the others?
                                     GINGERBREAD MAN
                         Eat me! (He spits milk into Farquaad's 
                         eye.)
                                     FARQUAAD
                         I've tried to be fair to you creatures. 
                         Now my patience has reached its end! 
                         Tell me or I'll...(he makes as if to 
                         pull off the Gingerbread Man's buttons)
                                     GINGERBREAD MAN
                         No, no, not the buttons. Not my gumdrop 
                         buttons.
                                     FARQUAAD
                         All right then. Who's hiding them?
                                     GINGERBREAD MAN
                         Okay, I'll tell you. Do you know the 
                         muffin man?
                                     FARQUAAD
                         The muffin man?

                                     GINGERBREAD MAN
                         The muffin man.

                                     FARQUAAD
                         Yes, I know the muffin man, who lives 
                         on Drury Lane?
                                     GINGERBREAD MAN
                         Well, she's married to the muffin man.
                                     FARQUAAD
                         The muffin man?

                                     GINGERBREAD MAN
                         The muffin man!

                                     FARQUAAD
                         She's married to the muffin man.

               The door opens and the Head Guard walks in.

                                     HEAD GUARD
                         My lord! We found it.

                                     FARQUAAD
                         Then what are you waiting for? Bring 
                         it in.
               More guards enter carrying something that is covered by a sheet. 
               They hang up whatever it is and remove the sheet. It is the Magic 
               Mirror.
                                     GINGERBREAD MAN
                         (in awe) Ohhhh...

                                     FARQUAAD
                         Magic mirror...

                                     GINGERBREAD MAN
                         Don't tell him anything! (Farquaad picks 
                         him up and dumps him into a trash can 
                         with a lid.) No!
                                     FARQUAAD
                         Evening. Mirror, mirror on the wall. 
                         Is this not the most perfect kingdom 
                         of them all?
                                     MIRROR
                         Well, technically you're not a king.
                                     FARQUAAD
                         Uh, Thelonius. (Thelonius holds up a 
                         hand mirror and smashes it with his 
                         fist.) You were saying?
                                     MIRROR
                         What I mean is you're not a king yet. 
                         But you can become one. All you have 
                         to do is marry a princess.
                                     FARQUAAD
                         Go on.

                                     MIRROR
                         (chuckles nervously) So, just sit back 
                         and relax, my lord, because it's time 
                         for you to meet today's eligible bachelorettes. 
                         And here they are! Bachelorette number 
                         one is a mentally abused shut-in from 
                         a kingdom far, far away. She likes sushi 
                         and hot tubbing anytime. Her hobbies 
                         include cooking and cleaning for her 
                         two evil sisters. Please welcome Cinderella. 
                         (shows picture of Cinderella) Bachelorette 
                         number two is a cape-wearing girl from 
                         the land of fancy. Although she lives 
                         with seven other men, she's not easy. 
                         Just kiss her dead, frozen lips and 
                         find out what a live wire she is. Come 
                         on. Give it up for Snow White! (shows 
                         picture of Snow White) And last, but 
                         certainly not last, bachelorette number 
                         three is a fiery redhead from a dragon-guarded 
                         castle surrounded by hot boiling lava! 
                         But don't let that cool you off. She's 
                         a loaded pistol who likes pina colads 
                         and getting caught in the rain. Yours 
                         for the rescuing, Princess Fiona! (Shows 
                         picture of Princess Fiona) So will it 
                         be bachelorette number one, bachelorette 
                         number two or bachelorette number three?
                                     GUARDS
                         Two! Two! Three! Three! Two! Two! Three!
                                     FARQUAAD
                         Three? One? Three?

                                     THELONIUS
                         Three! (holds up 2 fingers) Pick number 
                         three, my lord!
                                     FARQUAAD
                         Okay, okay, uh, number three!

                                     MIRROR
                         Lord Farquaad, you've chosen Princess 
                         Fiona.
                                     FARQUAAD
                         Princess Fiona. She's perfect. All I 
                         have to do is just find someone who 
                         can go...
                                     MIRROR
                         But I probably should mention the little 
                         thing that happens at night.
                                     FARQUAAD
                         I'll do it.

                                     MIRROR
                         Yes, but after sunset...

                                     FARQUAAD
                         Silence! I will make this Princess Fiona 
                         my queen, and DuLoc will finally have 
                         the perfect king! Captain, assemble 
                         your finest men. We're going to have 
                         a tournament. (smiles evilly)
               DuLoc Parking Lot - Lancelot Section

               Shrek and Donkey come out of the field that is right by the parking 
               lot. The castle itself is about 40 stories high.
                                     DONKEY
                         But that's it. That's it right there. 
                         That's DuLoc. I told ya I'd find it.
                                     SHREK
                         So, that must be Lord Farquaad's castle.
                                     DONKEY
                         Uh-huh. That's the place.

                                     SHREK
                         Do you think maybe he's compensating 
                         for something? (He laughs, but then 
                         groans as Donkey doesn't get the joke. 
                         He continues walking through the parking 
                         lot.)
                                     DONKEY
                         Hey, wait. Wait up, Shrek.

                                     MAN
                         Hurry, darling. We're late. Hurry.
                                     SHREK
                         Hey, you! (The attendant, who is wearing 
                         a giant head that looks like Lord Farquaad, 
                         screams and begins running through the 
                         rows of rope to get to the front gate 
                         to get away from Shrek.) Wait a second. 
                         Look, I'm not gonna eat you. I just 
                         - - I just - - (He sighs and then begins 
                         walking straight through the rows. The 
                         attendant runs into a wall and falls 
                         down. Shrek and Donkey look at him then 
                         continue on into DuLoc.)
               DULOC

               They look around but all is quiet.

                                     SHREK
                         It's quiet. Too quiet. Where is everybody?
                                     DONKEY
                         Hey, look at this!

               Donkey runs over and pulls a lever that is attached to a box 
               marked 'Information'. The music winds up and then the box doors 
               open up. There are little wooden people inside and they begin 
               to sing.
                                     WOODEN PEOPLE
                         Welcome to DuLoc such a perfect town
               Here we have some rules

               Let us lay them down

               Don't make waves, stay in line

               And we'll get along fine

               DuLoc is perfect place

               Please keep off of the grass

               Shine your shoes, wipe your... face

               DuLoc is, DuLoc is

               DuLoc is perfect place.

               Suddenly a camera takes Donkey and Shrek's picture.

                                     DONKEY
                         Wow! Let's do that again! (makes ready 
                         to run over and pull the lever again)
                                     SHREK
                         (grabs Donkey's tail and holds him still) 
                         No. No. No, no, no! No.
               They hear a trumpet fanfare and head over to the arena.

                                     FARQUAAD
                         Brave knights. You are the best and 
                         brightest in all the land. Today one 
                         of you shall prove himself...
               As Shrek and Donkey walk down the tunnel to get into the arena 
               Donkey is humming the DuLoc theme song.
                                     SHREK
                         All right. You're going the right way 
                         for a smacked bottom.
                                     DONKEY
                         Sorry about that.

                                     FARQUAAD
                         That champion shall have the honor - 
                         - no, no - - the privilege to go forth 
                         and rescue the lovely Princess Fiona 
                         from the fiery keep of the dragon. If 
                         for any reason the winner is unsuccessful, 
                         the first runner-up will take his place 
                         and so on and so forth. Some of you 
                         may die, but it's a sacrifice I am willing 
                         to make. (cheers) Let the tournament 
                         begin! (He notices Shrek) Oh! What is 
                         that? It's hideous!
                                     SHREK
                         (turns to look at Donkey and then back 
                         at Farquaad) Ah, that's not very nice. 
                         It's just a donkey.
                                     FARQUAAD
                         Indeed. Knights, new plan! The one who 
                         kills the ogre will be named champion! 
                         Have it him!
                                     MEN
                         Get him!

                                     SHREK
                         Oh, hey! Now come on! Hang on now. (bumps 
                         into a table where there are mugs of 
                         beer)
                                     CROWD
                         Go ahead! Get him!

                                     SHREK
                         (holds up a mug of beer) Can't we just 
                         settle this over a pint?
                                     CROWD
                         Kill the beast!

                                     SHREK
                         No? All right then. (drinks the beer) 
                         Come on!
               He takes the mug and smashes the spigot off the large barrel 
               of beer behind him. The beer comes rushing out drenching the 
               other men and wetting the ground. It's like mud now. Shrek slides 
               past the men and picks up a spear that one of the men dropped. 
               As Shrek begins to fight Donkey hops up onto one of the larger 
               beer barrels. It breaks free of it's ropes and begins to roll. 
               Donkey manages to squish two men into the mud. There is so much 
               fighting going on here I'm not going to go into detail. Suffice 
               to say that Shrek kicks butt.
                                     DONKEY
                         Hey, Shrek, tag me! Tag me!

               Shrek comes over and bangs a man's head up against Donkeys. Shrek 
               gets up on the ropes and interacts with the crowd.
                                     SHREK
                         Yeah!

               A man tries to sneak up behind Shrek, but Shrek turns in time 
               and sees him.
                                     WOMAN
                         The chair! Give him the chair!

               Shrek smashes a chair over the guys back. Finally all the men 
               are down. Donkey kicks one of them in the helmet, and the ding 
               sounds the end of the match. The audience goes wild.
                                     SHREK
                         Oh, yeah! Ah! Ah! Thank you! Thank you 
                         very much! I'm here till Thursday. Try 
                         the veal! Ha, ha! (laughs)
               The laughter stops as all of the guards turn their weapons on 
               Shrek.
                                     HEAD GUARD
                         Shall I give the order, sir?

                                     FARQUAAD
                         No, I have a better idea. People of 
                         DuLoc, I give you our champion!
                                     SHREK
                         What?

                                     FARQUAAD
                         Congratulations, ogre. You're won the 
                         honor of embarking on a great and noble 
                         quest.
                                     SHREK
                         Quest? I'm already in a quest, a quest 
                         to get my swamp back.
                                     FARQUAAD
                         Your swamp?

                                     SHREK
                         Yeah, my swamp! Where you dumped those 
                         fairy tale creatures!
                                     FARQUAAD
                         Indeed. All right, ogre. I'll make you 
                         a deal. Go on this quest for me, and 
                         I'll give you your swamp back.
                                     SHREK
                         Exactly the way it was?

                                     FARQUAAD
                         Down to the last slime-covered toadstool.
                                     SHREK
                         And the squatters?

                                     FARQUAAD
                         As good as gone.

                                     SHREK
                         What kind of quest?

               Time Lapse - Donkey and Shrek are now walking through the field 
               heading away from DuLoc. Shrek is munching on an onion.
                                     DONKEY
                         Let me get this straight. You're gonna 
                         go fight a dragon and rescue a princess 
                         just so Farquaad will give you back 
                         a swamp which you only don't have because 
                         he filled it full of freaks in the first 
                         place. Is that about right?
                                     SHREK
                         You know, maybe there's a good reason 
                         donkeys shouldn't talk.
                                     DONKEY
                         I don't get it. Why don't you just pull 
                         some of that ogre stuff on him? Throttle 
                         him, lay siege to his fortress, grinds 
                         his bones to make your bread, the whole 
                         ogre trip.
                                     SHREK
                         Oh, I know what. Maybe I could have 
                         decapitated an entire village and put 
                         their heads on a pike, gotten a knife, 
                         cut open their spleen and drink their 
                         fluids. Does that sound good to you?
                                     DONKEY
                         Uh, no, not really, no.

                                     SHREK
                         For your information, there's a lot 
                         more to ogres than people think.
                                     DONKEY
                         Example?

                                     SHREK
                         Example? Okay, um, ogres are like onions. 
                         (he holds out his onion)
                                     DONKEY
                         (sniffs the onion) They stink?

                                     SHREK
                         Yes - - No!

                                     DONKEY
                         They make you cry?

                                     SHREK
                         No!

                                     DONKEY
                         You leave them in the sun, they get 
                         all brown, start sproutin' little white 
                         hairs.
                                     SHREK
                         No! Layers! Onions have layers. Ogres 
                         have layers! Onions have layers. You 
                         get it? We both have layers. (he heaves 
                         a sigh and then walks off)
                                     DONKEY
                         (trailing after Shrek) Oh, you both 
                         have layers. Oh. {Sniffs} You know, 
                         not everybody likes onions. Cake! Everybody 
                         loves cakes! Cakes have layers.
                                     SHREK
                         I don't care... what everyone likes. 
                         Ogres are not like cakes.
                                     DONKEY
                         You know what else everybody likes? 
                         Parfaits. Have you ever met a person, 
                         you say, "Let's get some parfait," they 
                         say, "Hell no, I don't like no parfait"? 
                         Parfaits are delicious.
                                     SHREK
                         No! You dense, irritating, miniature 
                         beast of burden! Ogres are like onions! 
                         And of story. Bye-bye. See ya later.
                                     DONKEY
                         Parfaits may be the most delicious thing 
                         on the whole damn planet.
                                     SHREK
                         You know, I think I preferred your humming.
                                     DONKEY
                         Do you have a tissue or something? I'm 
                         making a mess. Just the word parfait 
                         make me start slobbering.
               They head off. There is a montage of their journey. Walking through 
               a field at sunset. Sleeping beneath a bright moon. Shrek trying 
               to put the campfire out the next day and having a bit of a problem, 
               so Donkey pees on the fire to put it out.
               DRAGON'S KEEP

               Shrek and Donkey are walking up to the keep that's supposed to 
               house Princess Fiona. It appears to look like a giant volcano.
                                     DONKEY
                         (sniffs) Ohh! Shrek! Did you do that? 
                         You gotta warn somebody before you just 
                         crack one off. My mouth was open and 
                         everything.
                                     SHREK
                         Believe me, Donkey, if it was me, you'd 
                         be dead. (sniffs) It's brimstone. We 
                         must be getting close.
                                     DONKEY
                         Yeah, right, brimstone. Don't be talking 
                         about it's the brimstone. I know what 
                         I smell. It wasn't no brimstone. It 
                         didn't come off no stone neither.
               They climb up the side of the volcano/keep and look down. There 
               is a small piece of rock right in the center and that is where 
               the castle is. It is surrounded by boiling lava. It looks very 
               foreboding.
                                     SHREK
                         Sure, it's big enough, but look at the 
                         location. (laughs...then the laugh turns 
                         into a groan)
                                     DONKEY
                         Uh, Shrek? Uh, remember when you said 
                         ogres have layers?
                                     SHREK
                         Oh, aye.

                                     DONKEY
                         Well, I have a bit of a confession to 
                         make. Donkeys don't have layers. We 
                         wear our fear right out there on our 
                         sleeves.
                                     SHREK
                         Wait a second. Donkeys don't have sleeves.
                                     DONKEY
                         You know what I mean.

                                     SHREK
                         You can't tell me you're afraid of heights.
                                     DONKEY
                         No, I'm just a little uncomfortable 
                         about being on a rickety bridge over 
                         a boiling like of lava!
                                     SHREK
                         Come on, Donkey. I'm right here beside 
                         ya, okay? For emotional support., we'll 
                         just tackle this thing together one 
                         little baby step at a time.
                                     DONKEY
                         Really?

                                     SHREK
                         Really, really.

                                     DONKEY
                         Okay, that makes me feel so much better.
                                     SHREK
                         Just keep moving. And don't look down.
                                     DONKEY
                         Okay, don't look down. Don't look down. 
                         Don't look down. Keep on moving. Don't 
                         look down. (he steps through a rotting 
                         board and ends up looking straight down 
                         into the lava) Shrek! I'm lookin' down! 
                         Oh, God, I can't do this! Just let me 
                         off, please!
                                     SHREK
                         But you're already halfway.

                                     DONKEY
                         But I know that half is safe!

                                     SHREK
                         Okay, fine. I don't have time for this. 
                         You go back.
                                     DONKEY
                         Shrek, no! Wait!

                                     SHREK
                         Just, Donkey - - Let's have a dance 
                         then, shall me? (bounces and sways the 
                         bridge)
                                     DONKEY
                         Don't do that!

                                     SHREK
                         Oh, I'm sorry. Do what? Oh, this? (bounces 
                         the bridge again)
                                     DONKEY
                         Yes, that!

                                     SHREK
                         Yes? Yes, do it. Okay. (continues to 
                         bounce and sway as he backs Donkey across 
                         the bridge)
                                     DONKEY
                         No, Shrek! No! Stop it!

                                     SHREK
                         You said do it! I'm doin' it.

                                     DONKEY
                         I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die. Shrek, 
                         I'm gonna die. (steps onto solid ground) 
                         Oh!
                                     SHREK
                         That'll do, Donkey. That'll do. (walks 
                         towards the castle)
                                     DONKEY
                         Cool. So where is this fire-breathing 
                         pain-in-the-neck anyway?
                                     SHREK
                         Inside, waiting for us to rescue her. 
                         (chuckles)
                                     DONKEY
                         I was talkin' about the dragon, Shrek.
               INSIDE THE CASTLE
                                     DONKEY
                         You afraid?

                                     SHREK
                         No.

                                     DONKEY
                         But...

                                     SHREK
                         Shh.

                                     DONKEY
                         Oh, good. Me neither. (sees a skeleton 
                         and gasps) 'Cause there's nothin' wrong 
                         with bein' afraid. Fear's a sensible 
                         response to an unfamiliar situation. 
                         Unfamiliar dangerous situation, I might 
                         add. With a dragon that breathes fire 
                         and eats knights and breathes fire, 
                         it sure doesn't mean you're a coward 
                         if you're a little scared. I sure as 
                         heck ain't no coward. I know that.
                                     SHREK
                         Donkey, two things, okay? Shut ... up. 
                         Now go over there and see if you can 
                         find any stairs.
                                     DONKEY
                         Stairs? I thought we was lookin' for 
                         the princess.
                                     SHREK
                         (putting on a helmet) The princess will 
                         be up the stairs in the highest room 
                         in the tallest tower.
                                     DONKEY
                         What makes you think she'll be there?
                                     SHREK
                         I read it in a book once. (walks off)
                                     DONKEY
                         Cool. You handle the dragon. I'll handle 
                         the stairs. I'll find those stairs. 
                         I'll whip their butt too. Those stairs 
                         won't know which way they're goin'. 
                         (walks off)
               EMPTY ROOM

               Donkey is still talking to himself as he looks around the room.
                                     DONKEY
                         I'm gonna take drastic steps. Kick it 
                         to the curb. Don't mess with me. I'm 
                         the stair master. I've mastered the 
                         stairs. I wish I had a step right here. 
                         I'd step all over it.
               ELSEWHERE

               Shrek spots a light in the tallest tower window.

                                     SHREK
                         Well, at least we know where the princess 
                         is, but where's the...
                                     DONKEY
                         (os) Dragon!

               Donkey gasps and takes off running as the dragon roars again. 
               Shrek manages to grab Donkey out of the way just as the dragon 
               breathes fire.
                                     SHREK
                         Donkey, look out! (he manages to get 
                         a hold of the dragons tail and holds 
                         on) Got ya!
               The dragon gets irritated at this and flicks it's tail and Shrek 
               goes flying through the air and crashes through the roof of the 
               tallest tower. Fiona wakes up with a jerk and looks at him lying 
               on the floor.
                                     DONKEY
                         Oh! Aah! Aah!

               Donkey get cornered as the Dragon knocks away all but a small 
               part of the bridge he's on.
                                     DONKEY
                         No. Oh, no, No! (the dragon roars) Oh, 
                         what large teeth you have. (the dragon 
                         growls) I mean white, sparkling teeth. 
                         I know you probably hear this all time 
                         from your food, but you must bleach, 
                         'cause that is one dazzling smile you 
                         got there. Do I detect a hint of minty 
                         freshness? And you know what else? You're 
                         - - You're a girl dragon! Oh, sure! 
                         I mean, of course you're a girl dragon. 
                         You're just reeking of feminine beauty. 
                         (the dragon begins fluttering her eyes 
                         at him) What's the matter with you? 
                         You got something in your eye? Ohh. 
                         Oh. Oh. Man, I'd really love to stay, 
                         but you know, I'm, uh...(the dragon 
                         blows a smoke ring in the shape of a 
                         heart right at him, and he coughs) I'm 
                         an asthmatic, and I don't know if it'd 
                         work out if you're gonna blow smoke 
                         rings. Shrek! (the dragon picks him 
                         up with her teeth and carries him off) 
                         No! Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!
               FIONA'S ROOM

               Shrek groans as he gets up off the floor. His back is to Fiona 
               so she straightens her dress and lays back down on the bed. She 
               then quickly reaches over and gets the bouquet of flowers off 
               the side table. She then lays back down and appears to be asleep. 
               Shrek turns and goes over to her. He looks down at Fiona for 
               a moment and she puckers her lips. Shrek takes her by the shoulders 
               and shakes her away.
                                     FIONA
                         Oh! Oh!

                                     SHREK
                         Wake up!

                                     FIONA
                         What?

                                     SHREK
                         Are you Princess Fiona?

                                     FIONA
                         I am, awaiting a knight so bold as to 
                         rescue me.
                                     SHREK
                         Oh, that's nice. Now let's go!

                                     FIONA
                         But wait, Sir Knight. This be-ith our 
                         first meeting. Should it not be a wonderful, 
                         romantic moment?
                                     SHREK
                         Yeah, sorry, lady. There's no time.
                                     FIONA
                         Hey, wait. What are you doing? You should 
                         sweep me off my feet out yonder window 
                         and down a rope onto your valiant steed.
                                     SHREK
                         You've had a lot of time to plan this, 
                         haven't you?
                                     FIONA
                         (smiles) Mm-hmm.

               Shrek breaks the lock on her door and pulls her out and down 
               the hallway.
                                     FIONA
                         But we have to savor this moment! You 
                         could recite an epic poem for me. A 
                         ballad? A sonnet! A limerick? Or something!
                                     SHREK
                         I don't think so.

                                     FIONA
                         Can I at least know the name of my champion?
                                     SHREK
                         Uh, Shrek.

                                     FIONA
                         Sir Shrek. (clears throat and holds 
                         out a handkerchief) I pray that you 
                         take this favor as a token of my gratitude.
                                     SHREK
                         Thanks!

               Suddenly they hear the dragon roar.

                                     FIONA
                         (surprised)You didn't slay the dragon?
                                     SHREK
                         It's on my to-do list. Now come on! 
                         (takes off running and drags Fiona behind 
                         him.)
                                     FIONA
                         But this isn't right! You were meant 
                         to charge in, sword drawn, banner flying. 
                         That's what all the other knights did.
                                     SHREK
                         Yeah, right before they burst into flame.
                                     FIONA
                         That's not the point. (Shrek suddenly 
                         stops and she runs into him.) Oh! (Shrek 
                         ignores her and heads for a wooden door 
                         off to the side.) Wait. Where are you 
                         going? The exit's over there.
                                     SHREK
                         Well, I have to save my ass.

                                     FIONA
                         What kind of knight are you?

                                     SHREK
                         One of a kind. (opens the door into 
                         the throne room)
                                     DONKEY
                         (os) Slow down. Slow down, baby, please. 
                         I believe it's healthy to get to know 
                         someone over a long period of time. 
                         Just call me old-fashioned. (laughs 
                         worriedly) (we see him up close and 
                         from a distance as Shrek sneaks into 
                         the room) I don't want to rush into 
                         a physical relationship. I'm not emotionally 
                         ready for a commitment of, uh, this 
                         - - Magnitude really is the word I'm 
                         looking for. Magnitude- - Hey, that 
                         is unwanted physical contact. Hey, what 
                         are you doing? Okay, okay. Let's just 
                         back up a little and take this one step 
                         at a time. We really should get to know 
                         each other first as friends or pen pals. 
                         I'm on the road a lot, but I just love 
                         receiving cards - - I'd really love 
                         to stay, but - - Don't do that! That's 
                         my tail! That's my personal tail. You're 
                         gonna tear it off. I don't give permission 
                         - - What are you gonna do with that? 
                         Hey, now. No way. No! No! No, no! No. 
                         No, no, no. No! Oh!
               Shrek grabs a chain that's connected to the chandelier and swings 
               toward the dragon. He misses and he swings back again. He looks 
               up and spots that the chandelier is right above the dragons head. 
               He pulls on the chain and it releases and he falls down and bumps 
               Donkey out of the way right as the dragon is about to kiss him. 
               Instead the dragon kisses Shreks' butt. She opens her eyes and 
               roars. Shrek lets go of the chain and the chandelier falls onto 
               her head, but it's too big and it goes over her head and forms 
               a sort of collar for her. She roars again and Shrek and Donkey 
               take off running. Very 'Matrix' style. Shrek grabs Donkey and 
               then grabs Princess Fiona as he runs past her.
                                     DONKEY
                         Hi, Princess!

                                     FIONA
                         It talks!

                                     SHREK
                         Yeah, it's getting him to shut up that's 
                         the trick.
               They all start screaming as the dragon gains on them. Shrek spots 
               a descending slide and jumps on. But unfortunately there is a 
               crack in the stone and it hits Shrek right in the groin. His 
               eyes cross and as he reaches the bottom of the slide he stumbles 
               off and walks lightly.
                                     SHREK
                         Oh!

               Shrek gets them close to the exit and sets down Donkey and Fiona.
                                     SHREK
                         Okay, you two, heard for the exit! I'll 
                         take care of the dragon.
               Shrek grabs a sword and heads back toward the interior of the 
               castle. He throws the sword down in between several overlapping 
               chain links. The chain links are attached to the chandelier that 
               is still around the dragons neck.
                                     SHREK
                         (echoing) Run!

               They all take off running for the exit with the dragon in hot 
               pursuit. They make it to the bridge and head across. The dragons 
               breathes fire and the bridge begins to burn. They all hang on 
               for dear life as the ropes holding the bridge up collapse. They 
               are swung to the other side. As they hang upside down they look 
               in horror as the dragon makes to fly over the boiling lava to 
               get them. But suddenly the chandelier with the chain jerk the 
               dragon back and she's unable to get to them. Our gang climbs 
               quickly to safety as the dragon looks angry and then gives a 
               sad whimper as she watches Donkey walk away.
                                     FIONA
                         (sliding down the 'volcano' hill) You 
                         did it! You rescued me! You're amazing. 
                         (behind her Donkey falls down the hill) 
                         You're - - You're wonderful. You're... 
                         (turns and sees Shrek fall down the 
                         hill and bump into Donkey) a little 
                         unorthodox I'll admit. But thy deed 
                         is great, and thy heart is pure. I am 
                         eternally in your debt. (Donkey clears 
                         his throat.) And where would a brave 
                         knight be without his noble steed?
                                     DONKEY
                         I hope you heard that. She called me 
                         a noble steed. She think I'm a steed.
                                     FIONA
                         The battle is won. You may remove your 
                         helmet, good Sir Knight.
                                     SHREK
                         Uh, no.

                                     FIONA
                         Why not?

                                     SHREK
                         I have helmet hair.

                                     FIONA
                         Please. I would'st look upon the face 
                         of my rescuer.
                                     SHREK
                         No, no, you wouldn't - - 'st.

                                     FIONA
                         But how will you kiss me?

                                     SHREK
                         What? (to Donkey) That wasn't in the 
                         job description.
                                     DONKEY
                         Maybe it's a perk.

                                     FIONA
                         No, it's destiny. Oh, you must know 
                         how it goes. A princess locked in a 
                         tower and beset by a dragon is rescued 
                         by a brave knight, and then they share 
                         true love's first kiss.
                                     DONKEY
                         Hmm? With Shrek? You think- - Wait. 
                         Wait. You think that Shrek is you true 
                         love?
                                     FIONA
                         Well, yes.

               Both Donkey and Shrek burst out laughing.

                                     DONKEY
                         You think Shrek is your true love!
                                     FIONA
                         What is so funny?

                                     SHREK
                         Let's just say I'm not your type, okay?Fiona: 
                         Of course, you are. You're my rescuer. 
                         Now - - Now remove your helmet.
                                     SHREK
                         Look. I really don't think this is a 
                         good idea.
                                     FIONA
                         Just take off the helmet.

                                     SHREK
                         I'm not going to.

                                     FIONA
                         Take it off.

                                     SHREK
                         No!

                                     FIONA
                         Now!

                                     SHREK
                         Okay! Easy. As you command. Your Highness. 
                         (takes off his helmet)
                                     FIONA
                         You- - You're a- - an ogre.

                                     SHREK
                         Oh, you were expecting Prince Charming.
                                     FIONA
                         Well, yes, actually. Oh, no. This is 
                         all wrong. You're not supposed to be 
                         an ogre.
                                     SHREK
                         Princess, I was sent to rescue you by 
                         Lord Farquaad, okay? He is the one who 
                         wants to marry you.
                                     FIONA
                         Then why didn't he come rescue me?
                                     SHREK
                         Good question. You should ask him that 
                         when we get there.
                                     FIONA
                         But I have to be rescued by my true 
                         love, not by some ogre and his- - his 
                         pet.
                                     DONKEY
                         Well, so much for noble steed.

                                     SHREK
                         You're not making my job any easier.
                                     FIONA
                         I'm sorry, but your job is not my problem. 
                         You can tell Lord Farquaad that if he 
                         wants to rescue me properly, I'll be 
                         waiting for him right here.
                                     SHREK
                         Hey! I'm no one's messenger boy, all 
                         right? (ominous) I'm a delivery boy. 
                         (he swiftly picks her up and swings 
                         her over his shoulder like she was a 
                         sack of potatoes)
                                     FIONA
                         You wouldn't dare. Put me down!

                                     SHREK
                         Ya comin', Donkey?

                                     DONKEY
                         I'm right behind ya.

                                     FIONA
                         Put me down, or you will suffer the 
                         consequences! This is not dignified! 
                         Put me down!
               WOODS

               A little time has passed and Fiona has calmed down. She just 
               hangs there limply while Shrek carries her.
                                     DONKEY
                         Okay, so here's another question. Say 
                         there's a woman that digs you, right, 
                         but you don't really like her that way. 
                         How do you let her down real easy so 
                         her feelings aren't hurt, but you don't 
                         get burned to a crisp and eaten?
                                     FIONA
                         You just tell her she's not your true 
                         love. Everyone knows what happens when 
                         you find your...(Shrek drops her on 
                         the ground) Hey! The sooner we get to 
                         DuLoc the better.
                                     DONKEY
                         You're gonna love it there, Princess. 
                         It's beautiful!
                                     FIONA
                         And what of my groom-to-be? Lord Farquaad? 
                         What's he like?
                                     SHREK
                         Let me put it this way, Princess. Men 
                         of Farquaad's stature are in short supply. 
                         (he and Donkey laugh)
               Shrek then proceeds to splash water onto his face to wash off 
               the dust and grime.
                                     DONKEY
                         I don't know. There are those who think 
                         little of him. (they laugh again) Fiona: 
                         Stop it. Stop it, both of you. You're 
                         just jealous you can never measure up 
                         to a great ruler like Lord Farquaad.
                                     SHREK
                         Yeah, well, maybe you're right, Princess. 
                         But I'll let you do the "measuring" 
                         when you see him tomorrow.
                                     FIONA
                         (looks at the setting sun) Tomorrow? 
                         It'll take that long? Shouldn't we stop 
                         to make camp?
                                     SHREK
                         No, that'll take longer. We can keep 
                         going.
                                     FIONA
                         But there's robbers in the woods.

                                     DONKEY
                         Whoa! Time out, Shrek! Camp is starting 
                         to sound good.
                                     SHREK
                         Hey, come on. I'm scarier than anything 
                         we're going to see in this forest.
                                     FIONA
                         I need to find somewhere to camp now!
               Both Donkey and Shrek's ears lower as they shrink away from her.
               MOUNTAIN CLIFF

               Shrek has found a cave that appears to be in good order. He shoves 
               a stone boulder out of the way to reveal the cave.
                                     SHREK
                         Hey! Over here.

                                     DONKEY
                         Shrek, we can do better than that. I 
                         don't think this is fit for a princess.
                                     FIONA
                         No, no, it's perfect. It just needs 
                         a few homey touches.
                                     SHREK
                         Homey touches? Like what? (he hears 
                         a tearing noise and looks over at Fiona 
                         who has torn the bark off of a tree.)
                                     FIONA
                         A door? Well, gentlemen, I bid thee 
                         good night. (goes into the cave and 
                         puts the bark door up behind her)
                                     DONKEY
                         You want me to read you a bedtime story? 
                         I will.
                                     FIONA
                         (os) I said good night!

               Shrek looks at Donkey for a second and then goes to move the 
               boulder back in front of the entrance to the cave with Fiona 
               still inside.
                                     DONKEY
                         Shrek, What are you doing?

                                     SHREK
                         (laughs) I just- - You know - - Oh, 
                         come on. I was just kidding.
               LATER THAT NIGHT

               Shrek and Donkey are sitting around a campfire. They are staring 
               up into the sky as Shrek points out certain star constellations 
               to Donkey.
                                     SHREK
                         And, uh, that one, that's Throwback, 
                         the only ogre to ever spit over three 
                         wheat fields.
                                     DONKEY
                         Right. Yeah. Hey, can you tell my future 
                         from these stars?
                                     SHREK
                         The stars don't tell the future, Donkey. 
                         They tell stories. Look, there's Bloodnut, 
                         the Flatulent. You can guess what he's 
                         famous for.
                                     DONKEY
                         I know you're making this up.

                                     SHREK
                         No, look. There he is, and there's the 
                         group of hunters running away from his 
                         stench.
                                     DONKEY
                         That ain't nothin' but a bunch of little 
                         dots.
                                     SHREK
                         You know, Donkey, sometimes things are 
                         more than they appear. Hmm? Forget it.
                                     DONKEY
                         (heaves a big sigh) Hey, Shrek, what 
                         we gonna do when we get our swamp anyway?
                                     SHREK
                         Our swamp?

                                     DONKEY
                         You know, when we're through rescuing 
                         the princess.
                                     SHREK
                         We? Donkey, there's no "we". There's 
                         no "our". There's just me and my swamp. 
                         The first thing I'm gonna do is build 
                         a ten-foot wall around my land.
                                     DONKEY
                         You cut me deep, Shrek. You cut me real 
                         deep just now. You know what I think? 
                         I think this whole wall thing is just 
                         a way to keep somebody out.
                                     SHREK
                         No, do ya think?

                                     DONKEY
                         Are you hidin' something?

                                     SHREK
                         Never mind, Donkey.

                                     DONKEY
                         Oh, this is another one of those onion 
                         things, isn't it?
                                     SHREK
                         No, this is one of those drop-it and 
                         leave-it alone things.
                                     DONKEY
                         Why don't you want to talk about it?
                                     SHREK
                         Why do you want to talk about it?

                                     DONKEY
                         Why are you blocking?

                                     SHREK
                         I'm not blocking.

                                     DONKEY
                         Oh, yes, you are.

                                     SHREK
                         Donkey, I'm warning you.

                                     DONKEY
                         Who you trying to keep out?

                                     SHREK
                         Everyone! Okay?

                                     DONKEY
                         (pause) Oh, now we're gettin' somewhere. 
                         (grins)
               At this point Fiona pulls the 'door' away from the entrance to 
               the cave and peaks out. Neither of the guys see her.
                                     SHREK
                         Oh! For the love of Pete! (gets up and 
                         walks over to the edge of the cliff 
                         and sits down)
                                     DONKEY
                         What's your problem? What you got against 
                         the whole world anyway?
                                     SHREK
                         Look, I'm not the one with the problem, 
                         okay? It's the world that seems to have 
                         a problem with me. People take one look 
                         at me and go. "Aah! Help! Run! A big, 
                         stupid, ugly ogre!" They judge me before 
                         they even know me. That's why I'm better 
                         off alone.
                                     DONKEY
                         You know what? When we met, I didn't 
                         think you was just a big, stupid, ugly 
                         ogre.
                                     SHREK
                         Yeah, I know.

                                     DONKEY
                         So, uh, are there any donkeys up there?
                                     SHREK
                         Well, there's, um, Gabby, the Small 
                         and Annoying.
                                     DONKEY
                         Okay, okay, I see it now. The big shiny 
                         one, right there. That one there?
               Fiona puts the door back.

                                     SHREK
                         That's the moon.

                                     DONKEY
                         Oh, okay.

               DuLoc - Farquaad's Bedroom

               The camera pans over a lot of wedding stuff. Soft music plays 
               in the background. Farquaad is in bed, watching as the Magic 
               Mirror shows him Princess Fiona.
                                     FARQUAAD
                         Again, show me again. Mirror, mirror, 
                         show her to me. Show me the princess.
                                     MIRROR
                         Hmph.

               The Mirror rewinds and begins to play again from the beginning.
                                     FARQUAAD
                         Ah. Perfect.

               Farquaad looks down at his bare chest and pulls the sheet up 
               to cover himself as though Fiona could see him as he gazes sheepishly 
               at her image in the mirror.
               MORNING

               Fiona walks out of the cave. She glances at Shrek and Donkey 
               who are still sleeping. She wanders off into the woods and comes 
               across a blue bird. She begins to sing. The bird sings along 
               with her. She hits higher and higher notes and the bird struggles 
               to keep up with her. Suddenly the pressure of the note is too 
               big and the bird explodes. Fiona looks a little sheepish, but 
               she eyes the eggs that the bird left behind. Time lapse, Fiona 
               is now cooking the eggs for breakfast. Shrek and Donkey are still 
               sleeping. Shrek wakes up and looks at Fiona. Donkey's talking 
               in his sleep.
                                     DONKEY
                         (quietly) Mmm, yeah, you know I like 
                         it like that. Come on, baby. I said 
                         I like it.
                                     SHREK
                         Donkey, wake up. (shakes him)

                                     DONKEY
                         Huh? What?

                                     SHREK
                         Wake up.

                                     DONKEY
                         What? (stretches and yawns)

                                     FIONA
                         Good morning. Hm, how do you like your 
                         eggs?
                                     DONKEY
                         Oh, good morning, Princess!

               Fiona gets up and sets the eggs down in front of them.

                                     SHREK
                         What's all this about?

                                     FIONA
                         You know, we kind of got off to a bad 
                         start yesterday. I wanted to make it 
                         up to you. I mean, after all, you did 
                         rescue me.
                                     SHREK
                         Uh, thanks.

               Donkey sniffs the eggs and licks his lips.

                                     FIONA
                         Well, eat up. We've got a big day ahead 
                         of us. (walks off)
               LATER

               They are once again on their way. They are walking through the 
               forest. Shrek belches.
                                     DONKEY
                         Shrek!

                                     SHREK
                         What? It's a compliment. Better out 
                         than in, I always say. (laughs)
                                     DONKEY
                         Well, it's no way to behave in front 
                         of a princess.
               Fiona belches

                                     FIONA
                         Thanks.

                                     DONKEY
                         She's as nasty as you are.

                                     SHREK
                         (chuckles) You know, you're not exactly 
                         what I expected.
                                     FIONA
                         Well, maybe you shouldn't judge people 
                         before you get to know them.
               She smiles and then continues walking, singing softly. Suddenly 
               from out of nowhere, a man swings down and swoops Fiona up into 
               a tree.
                                     ROBIN HOOD
                         La liberte! Hey!

                                     SHREK
                         Princess!

                                     FIONA
                         (to Robin Hood) What are you doing?
                                     ROBIN HOOD
                         Be still, mon cherie, for I am you savior! 
                         And I am rescuing you from this green...(kisses 
                         up her arm while Fiona pulls back in 
                         disgust)...beast.
                                     SHREK
                         Hey! That's my princess! Go find you 
                         own!
                                     ROBIN HOOD
                         Please, monster! Can't you see I'm a 
                         little busy here?
                                     FIONA
                         (getting fed up) Look, pal, I don't 
                         know who you think you are!
                                     ROBIN HOOD
                         Oh! Of course! Oh, how rude. Please 
                         let me introduce myself. Oh, Merry Men. 
                         (laughs)
               Suddenly an accordion begins to play and the Merry men pop out 
               from the bushes. They begin to sing Robin's theme song.
                                     MERRY MEN
                         Ta, dah, dah, dah, whoo.

                                     ROBIN HOOD
                         I steal from the rich and give to the 
                         needy.
                                     MERRY MEN
                         He takes a wee percentage,

                                     ROBIN HOOD
                         But I'm not greedy. I rescue pretty 
                         damsels, man, I'm good.
                                     MERRY MEN
                         What a guy, Monsieur Hood.

                                     ROBIN HOOD
                         Break it down. I like an honest fight 
                         and a saucy little maid...
                                     MERRY MEN
                         What he's basically saying is he likes 
                         to get...
                                     ROBIN HOOD
                         Paid. So...When an ogre in the bush 
                         grabs a lady by the tush. That's bad.
                                     MERRY MEN
                         That's bad.

                                     ROBIN HOOD
                         When a beauty's with a beast it makes 
                         me awfully mad.
                                     MERRY MEN
                         He's mad, he's really, really mad.
                                     ROBIN HOOD
                         I'll take my blade and ram it through 
                         your heart, keep your eyes on me, boys 
                         'cause I'm about to start...
               There is a grunt as Fiona swings down from the tree limb and 
               knocks Robin Hood unconscious.
                                     FIONA
                         Man, that was annoying!

               Shrek looks at her in admiration.

                                     MERRY MAN
                         Oh, you little- - (shoots an arrow at 
                         Fiona but she ducks out of the way)
               The arrow flies toward Donkey who jumps into Shrek's arms to 
               get out of the way. The arrow proceeds to just bounce off a tree.
               Another fight sequence begins and Fiona gives a karate yell and 
               then proceeds to beat the crap out of the Merry Men. There is 
               a very interesting 'Matrix' moment here when Fiona pauses in 
               mid-air to fix her hair. Finally all of the Merry Men are down, 
               and Fiona begins walking away.
                                     FIONA
                         Uh, shall we?

                                     SHREK
                         Hold the phone. (drops Donkey and begins 
                         walking after Fiona) Oh! Whoa, whoa, 
                         whoa. Hold on now. Where did that come 
                         from?
                                     FIONA
                         What?

                                     SHREK
                         That! Back there. That was amazing! 
                         Where did you learn that?
                                     FIONA
                         Well...(laughs) when one lives alone, 
                         uh, one has to learn these things in 
                         case there's a...(gasps and points) 
                         there's an arrow in your butt!
                                     SHREK
                         What? (turns and looks) Oh, would you 
                         look at that? (he goes to pull it out 
                         but flinches because it's tender)
                                     FIONA
                         Oh, no. This is all my fault. I'm so 
                         sorry.
                                     DONKEY
                         (walking up) Why? What's wrong?

                                     FIONA
                         Shrek's hurt.

                                     DONKEY
                         Shrek's hurt. Shrek's hurt? Oh, no, 
                         Shrek's gonna die.
                                     SHREK
                         Donkey, I'm okay.

                                     DONKEY
                         You can't do this to me, Shrek. I'm 
                         too young for you to die. Keep you legs 
                         elevated. Turn your head and cough. 
                         Does anyone know the Heimlich?
                                     FIONA
                         Donkey! Calm down. If you want to help 
                         Shrek, run into the woods and find me 
                         a blue flower with red thorns.
                                     DONKEY
                         Blue flower, red thorns. Okay, I'm on 
                         it. Blue flower, red thorns. Don't die 
                         Shrek. If you see a long tunnel, stay 
                         away from the light!
                                     SHREK & FIONA
                         Donkey!

                                     DONKEY
                         Oh, yeah. Right. Blue flower, red thorns. 
                         (runs off)
                                     SHREK
                         What are the flowers for?

                                     FIONA
                         (like it's obvious) For getting rid 
                         of Donkey.
                                     SHREK
                         Ah.

                                     FIONA
                         Now you hold still, and I'll yank this 
                         thing out. (gives the arrow a little 
                         pull)
                                     SHREK
                         (jumps away) Ow! Hey! Easy with the 
                         yankin'.
               As they continue to talk Fiona keeps going after the arrow and 
               Shrek keeps dodging her hands.
                                     FIONA
                         I'm sorry, but it has to come out.
                                     SHREK
                         No, it's tender.

                                     FIONA
                         Now, hold on.

                                     SHREK
                         What you're doing is the opposite of 
                         help.
                                     FIONA
                         Don't move.

                                     SHREK
                         Look, time out.

                                     FIONA
                         Would you...(grunts as Shrek puts his 
                         hand over her face to stop her from 
                         getting at the arrow) Okay. What do 
                         you propose we do?
               ELSEWHERE

               Donkey is still looking for the special flower.

                                     DONKEY
                         Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, 
                         red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. 
                         This would be so much easier if I wasn't 
                         color-blind! Blue flower, red thorns.
                                     SHREK
                         (os) Ow!

                                     DONKEY
                         Hold on, Shrek! I'm comin'! (rips a 
                         flower off a nearby bush that just happens 
                         to be a blue flower with red thorns)
               THE FOREST PATH
                                     SHREK
                         Ow! Not good.

                                     FIONA
                         Okay. Okay. I can nearly see the head. 
                         (Shrek grunts as she pulls) It's just 
                         about...
                                     SHREK
                         Ow! Ohh! (he jerks and manages to fall 
                         over with Fiona on top of him)
                                     DONKEY
                         Ahem.

                                     SHREK
                         (throwing Fiona off of him) Nothing 
                         happend. We were just, uh - -
                                     DONKEY
                         Look, if you wanted to be alone, all 
                         you had to do was ask. Okay?
                                     SHREK
                         Oh, come on! That's the last thing on 
                         my mind. The princess here was just- 
                         - (Fiona pulls the arrow out) Ugh! (he 
                         turns to look at Fiona who holds up 
                         the arrow with a smile) Ow!
                                     DONKEY
                         Hey, what's that? (nervous chuckle) 
                         That's...is that blood?
               Donkey faints. Shrek walks over and picks him up as they continue 
               on their way.
               There is a montage of scenes as the group heads back to DuLoc. 
               Shrek crawling up to the top of a tree to make it fall over a 
               small brook so that Fiona won't get wet. Shrek then gets up as 
               Donkey is just about to cross the tree and the tree swings back 
               into it's upright position and Donkey flies off. Shrek swatting 
               and a bunch of flies and mosquitoes. Fiona grabs a nearby spiderweb 
               that's on a tree branch and runs through the field swinging it 
               around to catch the bugs. She then hands it to Shrek who begins 
               eating like it's a treat. As he walks off she licks her fingers. 
               Shrek catching a toad and blowing it up like a balloon and presenting 
               it to Fiona. Fiona catching a snake, blowing it up, fashioning 
               it into a balloon animal and presenting it to Shrek. The group 
               arriving at a windmill that is near DuLoc.
               WINDMILL
                                     SHREK
                         There it is, Princess. Your future awaits 
                         you.
                                     FIONA
                         That's DuLoc?

                                     DONKEY
                         Yeah, I know. You know, Shrek thinks 
                         Lord Farquaad's compensating for something, 
                         which I think means he has a really...(Shrek 
                         steps on his hoof) Ow!
                                     SHREK
                         Um, I, uh- - I guess we better move 
                         on.
                                     FIONA
                         Sure. But, Shrek? I'm - - I'm worried 
                         about Donkey.
                                     SHREK
                         What?

                                     FIONA
                         I mean, look at him. He doesn't look 
                         so good.
                                     DONKEY
                         What are you talking about? I'm fine.
                                     FIONA
                         (kneels to look him in the eyes) That's 
                         what they always say, and then next 
                         thing you know, you're on your back. 
                         (pause) Dead.
                                     SHREK
                         You know, she's right. You look awful. 
                         Do you want to sit down?
                                     FIONA
                         Uh, you know, I'll make you some tea.
                                     DONKEY
                         I didn't want to say nothin', but I 
                         got this twinge in my neck, and when 
                         I turn my head like this, look, (turns 
                         his neck in a very sharp way until his 
                         head is completely sideways) Ow! See?
                                     SHREK
                         Who's hungry? I'll find us some dinner.
                                     FIONA
                         I'll get the firewood.

                                     DONKEY
                         Hey, where you goin'? Oh, man, I can't 
                         feel my toes! (looks down and yelps) 
                         I don't have any toes! I think I need 
                         a hug.
               SUNSET

               Shrek has built a fire and is cooking the rest of dinner while 
               Fiona eats.
                                     FIONA
                         Mmm. This is good. This is really good. 
                         What is this?
                                     SHREK
                         Uh, weed rat. Rotisserie style.

                                     FIONA
                         No kidding. Well, this is delicious.
                                     SHREK
                         Well, they're also great in stews. Now, 
                         I don't mean to brag, but I make a mean 
                         weed rat stew. (chuckles)
               Fiona looks at DuLoc and sighs.

                                     FIONA
                         I guess I'll be dining a little differently 
                         tomorrow night.
                                     SHREK
                         Maybe you can come visit me in the swamp 
                         sometime. I'll cook all kind of stuff 
                         for you. Swamp toad soup, fish eye tartare 
                         - - you name it.
                                     FIONA
                         (smiles) I'd like that.

               They smiles at each other.

                                     SHREK
                         Um, Princess?

                                     FIONA
                         Yes, Shrek?

                                     SHREK
                         I, um, I was wondering...are you...(sighs) 
                         Are you gonna eat that?
                                     DONKEY
                         (chuckles) Man, isn't this romantic? 
                         Just look at that sunset.
                                     FIONA
                         (jumps up) Sunset? Oh, no! I mean, it's 
                         late. I-It's very late.
                                     SHREK
                         What?

                                     DONKEY
                         Wait a minute. I see what's goin' on 
                         here. You're afraid of the dark, aren't 
                         you?
                                     FIONA
                         Yes! Yes, that's it. I'm terrified. 
                         You know, I'd better go inside.
                                     DONKEY
                         Don't feel bad, Princess. I used to 
                         be afraid of the dark, too, until - 
                         - Hey, no, wait. I'm still afraid of 
                         the dark.
               Shrek sighs

                                     FIONA
                         Good night.

                                     SHREK
                         Good night.

               Fiona goes inside the windmill and closes the door. Donkey looks 
               at Shrek with a new eye.
                                     DONKEY
                         Ohh! Now I really see what's goin' on 
                         here.
                                     SHREK
                         Oh, what are you talkin' about?

                                     DONKEY
                         I don't even wanna hear it. Look, I'm 
                         an animal, and I got instincts. And 
                         I know you two were diggin' on each 
                         other. I could feel it.
                                     SHREK
                         You're crazy. I'm just bringing her 
                         back to Farquaad.
                                     DONKEY
                         Oh, come on, Shrek. Wake up and smell 
                         the pheromones. Just go on in and tell 
                         her how you feel.
                                     SHREK
                         I- - There's nothing to tell. Besides, 
                         even if I did tell her that, well, you 
                         know - - and I'm not sayin' I do 'cause 
                         I don't - - she's a princess, and I'm 
                         - -
                                     DONKEY
                         An ogre?

                                     SHREK
                         Yeah. An ogre.

                                     DONKEY
                         Hey, where you goin'?

                                     SHREK
                         To get... move firewood. (sighs)

               Donkey looks over at the large pile of firewood there already 
               is.
               TIME LAPSE

               Donkey opens the door to the Windmill and walks in. Fiona is 
               nowhere to be seen.
                                     DONKEY
                         Princess? Princess Fiona? Princess, 
                         where are you? Princess?
               Fiona looks at Donkey from the shadows, but we can't see her.
                                     DONKEY
                         It's very spooky in here. I ain't playing 
                         no games.
               Suddenly Fiona falls from the railing. She gets up only she doesn't 
               look like herself. She looks like an ogre and Donkey starts freaking 
               out.
                                     DONKEY
                         Aah!

                                     FIONA
                         Oh, no!

                                     DONKEY
                         No, help!

                                     FIONA
                         Shh!

                                     DONKEY
                         Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!

                                     FIONA
                         No, it's okay. It's okay.

                                     DONKEY
                         What did you do with the princess?
                                     FIONA
                         Donkey, I'm the princess.

                                     DONKEY
                         Aah!

                                     FIONA
                         It's me, in this body.

                                     DONKEY
                         Oh, my God! You ate the princess. (to 
                         her stomach) Can you hear me?
                                     FIONA
                         Donkey!

                                     DONKEY
                         (still aimed at her stomach) Listen, 
                         keep breathing! I'll get you out of 
                         there!
                                     FIONA
                         No!

                                     DONKEY
                         Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!

                                     FIONA
                         Shh.

                                     DONKEY
                         Shrek!

                                     FIONA
                         This is me.

               Donkey looks into her eyes as she pets his muzzle, and he quiets 
               down.
                                     DONKEY
                         Princess? What happened to you? You're, 
                         uh, uh, uh, different.
                                     FIONA
                         I'm ugly, okay?

                                     DONKEY
                         Well, yeah! Was it something you ate? 
                         'Cause I told Shrek those rats was a 
                         bad idea. You are what you eat, I said. 
                         Now - -
                                     FIONA
                         No. I - - I've been this way as long 
                         as I can remember.
                                     DONKEY
                         What do you mean? Look, I ain't never 
                         seen you like this before.
                                     FIONA
                         It only happens when sun goes down. 
                         "By night one way, by day another. This 
                         shall be the norm... until you find 
                         true love's first kiss... and then take 
                         love's true form."
                                     DONKEY
                         Ah, that's beautiful. I didn't know 
                         you wrote poetry.
                                     FIONA
                         It's a spell. (sigh) When I was a little 
                         girl, a witch cast a spell on me. Every 
                         night I become this. This horrible, 
                         ugly beast! I was placed in a tower 
                         to await the day my true love would 
                         rescue me. That's why I have to marry 
                         Lord Farquaad tomorrow before the sun 
                         sets and he sees me like this. (begins 
                         to cry)
                                     DONKEY
                         All right, all right. Calm down. Look, 
                         it's not that bad. You're not that ugly. 
                         Well, I ain't gonna lie. You are ugly. 
                         But you only look like this at night. 
                         Shrek's ugly 24-7.
                                     FIONA
                         But Donkey, I'm a princess, and this 
                         is not how a princess is meant to look.
                                     DONKEY
                         Princess, how 'bout if you don't marry 
                         Farquaad?
                                     FIONA
                         I have to. Only my true love's kiss 
                         can break the spell.
                                     DONKEY
                         But, you know, um, you're kind of an 
                         orge, and Shrek - - well, you got a 
                         lot in common.
                                     FIONA
                         Shrek?

               OUTSIDE

               Shrek is walking towards the windmill with a sunflower in his 
               hand.
                                     SHREK
                         (to himself) Princess, I - - Uh, how's 
                         it going, first of all? Good? Um, good 
                         for me too. I'm okay. I saw this flower 
                         and thought of you because it's pretty 
                         and - - well, I don't really like it, 
                         but I thought you might like it 'cause 
                         you're pretty. But I like you anyway. 
                         I'd - - uh, uh...(sighs) I'm in trouble. 
                         Okay, here we go.
               He walks up to the door and pauses outside when he hears Donkey 
               and Fiona talking.
                                     FIONA
                         (os) I can't just marry whoever I want. 
                         Take a good look at me, Donkey. I mean, 
                         really, who can ever love a beast so 
                         hideous and ugly? "Princess" and "ugly" 
                         don't go together. That's why I can't 
                         stay here with Shrek.
               Shrek steps back in shock.

                                     FIONA
                         (os) My only chance to live happily 
                         ever after is to marry my true love.
               Shrek heaves a deep sigh. He throws the flower down and walks 
               away.
               INSIDE
                                     FIONA
                         Don't you see, Donkey? That's just how 
                         it has to be. It's the only way to break 
                         the spell.
                                     DONKEY
                         You at least gotta tell Shrek the truth.
                                     FIONA
                         No! You can't breathe a word. No one 
                         must ever know.
                                     DONKEY
                         What's the point of being able to talk 
                         if you gotta keep secrets?
                                     FIONA
                         Promise you won't tell. Promise!

                                     DONKEY
                         All right, all right. I won't tell him. 
                         But you should. (goes outside) I just 
                         know before this is over, I'm gonna 
                         need a whole lot of serious therapy. 
                         Look at my eye twitchin'.
               Fiona comes out the door and watches him walk away. She looks 
               down and spots the sunflower. She picks it up before going back 
               inside the windmill.
               MORNING

               Donkey is asleep. Shrek is nowhere to be seen. Fiona is still 
               awake. She is plucking petals from the sunflower.
                                     FIONA
                         I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him, 
                         I tell him not. I tell him. (she quickly 
                         runs to the door and goes outside) Shrek! 
                         Shrek, there's something I want...(she 
                         looks and sees the rising sun, and as 
                         the sun crests the sky she turns back 
                         into a human.)
               Just as she looks back at the sun she sees Shrek stomping towards 
               her.
                                     FIONA
                         Shrek. Are you all right?

                                     SHREK
                         Perfect! Never been better.

                                     FIONA
                         I - - I don't - - There's something 
                         I have to tell you.
                                     SHREK
                         You don't have to tell me anything, 
                         Princess. I heard enough last night.
                                     FIONA
                         You heard what I said?

                                     SHREK
                         Every word.

                                     FIONA
                         I thought you'd understand.

                                     SHREK
                         Oh, I understand. Like you said, "Who 
                         could love a hideous, ugly beast?"
                                     FIONA
                         But I thought that wouldn't matter to 
                         you.
                                     SHREK
                         Yeah? Well, it does. (Fiona looks at 
                         him in shock. He looks past her and 
                         spots a group approaching.) Ah, right 
                         on time. Princess, I've brought you 
                         a little something.
               Farquaad has arrived with a group of his men. He looks very regal 
               sitting up on his horse. You would never guess that he's only 
               like 3 feet tall. Donkey wakes up with a yawn as the soldiers 
               march by.
                                     DONKEY
                         What'd I miss? What'd I miss? (spots 
                         the soldiers) (muffled) Who said that? 
                         Couldn't have been the donkey.
                                     FARQUAAD
                         Princess Fiona.

                                     SHREK
                         As promised. Now hand it over.

                                     FARQUAAD
                         Very well, ogre. (holds out a piece 
                         of paper) The deed to your swamp, cleared 
                         out, as agreed. Take it and go before 
                         I change my mind. (Shrek takes the paper) 
                         Forgive me, Princess, for startling 
                         you, but you startled me, for I have 
                         never seen such a radiant beauty before. 
                         I'm Lord Farquaad.
                                     FIONA
                         Lord Farquaad? Oh, no, no. (Farquaad 
                         snaps his fingers) Forgive me, my lord, 
                         for I was just saying a short... (Watches 
                         as Farquaad is lifted off his horse 
                         and set down in front of her. He comes 
                         to her waist.) farewell.
                                     FARQUAAD
                         Oh, that is so sweet. You don't have 
                         to waste good manners on the ogre. It's 
                         not like it has feelings.
                                     FIONA
                         No, you're right. It doesn't.

               Donkey watches this exchange with a curious look on his face.
                                     FARQUAAD
                         Princess Fiona, beautiful, fair, flawless 
                         Fiona. I ask your hand in marriage. 
                         Will you be the perfect bride for the 
                         perfect groom?
                                     FIONA
                         Lord Farquaad, I accept. Nothing would 
                         make - -
                                     FARQUAAD
                         (interrupting) Excellent! I'll start 
                         the plans, for tomorrow we wed!
                                     FIONA
                         No! I mean, uh, why wait? Let's get 
                         married today before the sun sets.
                                     FARQUAAD
                         Oh, anxious, are you? You're right. 
                         The sooner, the better. There's so much 
                         to do! There's the caterer, the cake, 
                         the band, the guest list. Captain, round 
                         up some guests! (a guard puts Fiona 
                         on the back of his horse)
                                     FIONA
                         Fare-thee-well, ogre.

               Farquaad's whole party begins to head back to DuLoc. Donkey watches 
               them go.
                                     DONKEY
                         Shrek, what are you doing? You're letting 
                         her get away.
                                     SHREK
                         Yeah? So what?

                                     DONKEY
                         Shrek, there's something about her you 
                         don't know. Look, I talked to her last 
                         night, She's - -
                                     SHREK
                         I know you talked to her last night. 
                         You're great pals, aren't ya? Now, if 
                         you two are such good friends, why don't 
                         you follow her home?
                                     DONKEY
                         Shrek, I - - I wanna go with you.

                                     SHREK
                         I told you, didn't I? You're not coming 
                         home with me. I live alone! My swamp! 
                         Me! Nobody else! Understand? Nobody! 
                         Especially useless, pathetic, annoying, 
                         talking donkeys!
                                     DONKEY
                         But I thought - -

                                     SHREK
                         Yeah. You know what? You thought wrong! 
                         (stomps off)
                                     DONKEY
                         Shrek.

               Montage of different scenes. Shrek arriving back home. Fiona 
               being fitted for the wedding dress. Donkey at a stream running 
               into the dragon. Shrek cleaning up his house. Fiona eating dinner 
               alone. Shrek eating dinner alone.
               SHREK'S HOME

               Shrek is eating dinner when he hears a sound outside. He goes 
               outside to investigate.
                                     SHREK
                         Donkey? (Donkey ignores him and continues 
                         with what he's doing.) What are you 
                         doing?
                                     DONKEY
                         I would think, of all people, you would 
                         recognize a wall when you see one.
                                     SHREK
                         Well, yeah. But the wall's supposed 
                         to go around my swamp, not through it.
                                     DONKEY
                         It is around your half. See that's your 
                         half, and this is my half.
                                     SHREK
                         Oh! Your half. Hmm.

                                     DONKEY
                         Yes, my half. I helped rescue the princess. 
                         I did half the work. I get half the 
                         booty. Now hand me that big old rock, 
                         the one that looks like your head.
                                     SHREK
                         Back off!

                                     DONKEY
                         No, you back off.

                                     SHREK
                         This is my swamp!

                                     DONKEY
                         Our swamp.

                                     SHREK
                         (grabs the tree branch Donkey is working 
                         with) Let go, Donkey!
                                     DONKEY
                         You let go.

                                     SHREK
                         Stubborn jackass!

                                     DONKEY
                         Smelly ogre.

                                     SHREK
                         Fine! (drops the tree branch and walks 
                         away)
                                     DONKEY
                         Hey, hey, come back here. I'm not through 
                         with you yet.
                                     SHREK
                         Well, I'm through with you.

                                     DONKEY
                         Uh-uh. You know, with you it's always, 
                         "Me, me, me!" Well, guess what! Now 
                         it's my turn! So you just shut up and 
                         pay attention! You are mean to me. You 
                         insult me and you don't appreciate anything 
                         that I do! You're always pushing me 
                         around or pushing me away.
                                     SHREK
                         Oh, yeah? Well, if I treated you so 
                         bad, how come you came back?
                                     DONKEY
                         Because that's what friends do! They 
                         forgive each other!
                                     SHREK
                         Oh, yeah. You're right, Donkey. I forgive 
                         you... for stabbin' me in the back! 
                         (goes into the outhouse and slams the 
                         door)
                                     DONKEY
                         Ohh! You're so wrapped up in layers, 
                         onion boy, you're afraid of your own 
                         feelings.
                                     SHREK
                         (os) Go away!

                                     DONKEY
                         There you are , doing it again just 
                         like you did to Fiona. All she ever 
                         do was like you, maybe even love you.
                                     SHREK
                         (os) Love me? She said I was ugly, a 
                         hideous creature. I heard the two of 
                         you talking.
                                     DONKEY
                         She wasn't talkin' about you. She was 
                         talkin' about, uh, somebody else.
                                     SHREK
                         (opens the door and comes out) She wasn't 
                         talking about me? Well, then who was 
                         she talking about?
                                     DONKEY
                         Uh-uh, no way. I ain't saying anything. 
                         You don't wanna listen to me. Right? 
                         Right?
                                     SHREK
                         Donkey!

                                     DONKEY
                         No!

                                     SHREK
                         Okay, look. I'm sorry, all right? (sigh) 
                         I'm sorry. I guess I am just a big, 
                         stupid, ugly ogre. Can you forgive me?
                                     DONKEY
                         Hey, that's what friends are for, right?
                                     SHREK
                         Right. Friends?

                                     DONKEY
                         Friends.

                                     SHREK
                         So, um, what did Fiona say about me?
                                     DONKEY
                         What are you asking me for? Why don't 
                         you just go ask her?
                                     SHREK
                         The wedding! We'll never make it in 
                         time.
                                     DONKEY
                         Ha-ha-ha! Never fear, for where, there's 
                         a will, there's a way and I have a way. 
                         (whistles)
               Suddenly the dragon arrives overhead and flies low enough so 
               they can climb on.
                                     SHREK
                         Donkey?

                                     DONKEY
                         I guess it's just my animal magnetism.
               They both laugh.

                                     SHREK
                         Aw, come here, you. (gives Donkey a 
                         noogie)
                                     DONKEY
                         All right, all right. Don't get all 
                         slobbery. No one likes a kiss ass. All 
                         right, hop on and hold on tight. I haven't 
                         had a chance to install the seat belts 
                         yet.
               They climb aboard the dragon and she takes off for DuLoc.

               DULOC - CHURCH

               Fiona and Farquaad are getting married. The whole town is there. 
               The prompter card guy holds up a card that says 'Revered Silence'.
                                     PRIEST
                         People of DuLoc, we gather here today 
                         to bear witness to the union....
                                     FIONA
                         (eyeing the setting sun) Um-

                                     PRIEST
                         ...of our new king...

                                     FIONA
                         Excuse me. Could we just skip ahead 
                         to the "I do's"?
                                     FARQUAAD
                         (chuckles and then motions to the priest 
                         to indulge Fiona) Go on.
               COURTYARD

               Some guards are milling around. Suddenly the dragon lands with 
               a boom. The guards all take off running.
                                     DONKEY
                         (to Dragon) Go ahead, HAVE SOME FUN. 
                         If we need you, I'll whistle. How about 
                         that? (she nods and goes after the guards) 
                         Shrek, wait, wait! Wait a minute! You 
                         wanna do this right, don't you?
                                     SHREK
                         (at the Church door) What are you talking 
                         about?
                                     DONKEY
                         There's a line you gotta wait for. The 
                         preacher's gonna say, "Speak now or 
                         forever hold your peace." That's when 
                         you say, "I object!"
                                     SHREK
                         I don't have time for this!

                                     DONKEY
                         Hey, wait. What are you doing? Listen 
                         to me! Look, you love this woman, don't 
                         you?
                                     SHREK
                         Yes.

                                     DONKEY
                         You wanna hold her?

                                     SHREK
                         Yes.

                                     DONKEY
                         Please her?

                                     SHREK
                         Yes!

                                     DONKEY
                         (singing James Brown style) Then you 
                         got to, got to try a little tenderness. 
                         (normal) The chicks love that romantic 
                         crap!
                                     SHREK
                         All right! Cut it out. When does this 
                         guy say the line?
                                     DONKEY
                         We gotta check it out.

               INSIDE CHURCH

               As the priest talks we see Donkey's shadow through one of the 
               windows Shrek tosses him up so he can see.
                                     PRIEST
                         And so, by the power vested in me...
               Outside

                                     SHREK
                         What do you see?

                                     DONKEY
                         The whole town's in there.

               Inside

                                     PRIEST
                         I now pronounce you husband and wife...
               Outside

                                     DONKEY
                         They're at the altar.

               Inside

                                     PRIEST
                         ...king and queen.

               Outside

                                     DONKEY
                         Mother Fletcher! He already said it.
                                     SHREK
                         Oh, for the love of Pete!

               He runs inside without catching Donkey, who hits the ground hard.
               INSIDE CHURCH
                                     SHREK
                         (running toward the alter) I object!
                                     FIONA
                         Shrek?

               The whole congregation gasps as they see Shrek.

                                     FARQUAAD
                         Oh, now what does he want?

                                     SHREK
                         (to congregation as he reaches the front 
                         of the Church) Hi, everyone. Havin' 
                         a good time, are ya? I love DuLoc, first 
                         of all. Very clean.
                                     FIONA
                         What are you doing here?

                                     SHREK
                         Really, it's rude enough being alive 
                         when no one wants you, but showing up 
                         uninvited to a wedding...
                                     SHREK
                         Fiona! I need to talk to you.

                                     FIONA
                         Oh, now you wanna talk? It's a little 
                         late for that, so if you'll excuse me 
                         - -
                                     SHREK
                         But you can't marry him.

                                     FIONA
                         And why not?

                                     SHREK
                         Because- - Because he's just marring 
                         you so he can be king.
                                     FARQUAAD
                         Outrageous! Fiona, don't listen to him.
                                     SHREK
                         He's not your true love.

                                     FIONA
                         And what do you know about true love?
                                     SHREK
                         Well, I - - Uh - - I mean - -

                                     FARQUAAD
                         Oh, this is precious. The ogre has fallen 
                         in love with the princess! Oh, good 
                         Lord. (laughs)
               The prompter card guy holds up a card that says 'Laugh'. The 
               whole congregation laughs.
                                     FARQUAAD
                         An ogre and a princess!

                                     FIONA
                         Shrek, is this true?

                                     FARQUAAD
                         Who cares? It's preposterous! Fiona, 
                         my love, we're but a kiss away from 
                         our "happily ever after." Now kiss me! 
                         (puckers his lips and leans toward her, 
                         but she pulls back.)
                                     FIONA
                         (looking at the setting sun) "By night 
                         one way, by day another." (to Shrek) 
                         I wanted to show you before.
               She backs up and as the sun sets she changes into her ogre self. 
               She gives Shrek a sheepish smile.
                                     SHREK
                         Well, uh, that explains a lot. (Fiona 
                         smiles)
                                     FARQUAAD
                         Ugh! It's disgusting! Guards! Guards! 
                         I order you to get that out of my sight 
                         now! Get them! Get them both!
               The guards run in and separate Fiona and Shrek. Shrek fights 
               them.
                                     SHREK
                         No, no!

                                     FIONA
                         Shrek!

                                     FARQUAAD
                         This hocus-pocus alters nothing. This 
                         marriage is binding, and that makes 
                         me king! See? See?
                                     FIONA
                         No, let go of me! Shrek!

                                     SHREK
                         No!

                                     FARQUAAD
                         Don't just stand there, you morons.
                                     SHREK
                         Get out of my way! Fiona! Arrgh!

                                     FARQUAAD
                         I'll make you regret the day we met. 
                         I'll see you drawn and quartered! You'll 
                         beg for death to save you!
                                     FIONA
                         No, Shrek!

                                     FARQUAAD
                         (hold a dagger to Fiona's throat) And 
                         as for you, my wife...
                                     SHREK
                         Fiona!

                                     FARQUAAD
                         I'll have you locked back in that tower 
                         for the rest of your days! I'm king!
               Shrek manages to get a hand free and he whistles.

                                     FARQUAAD
                         I will have order! I will have perfection! 
                         I will have - - (Donkey and the dragon 
                         show up and the dragon leans down and 
                         eats Farquaad) Aaaah! Aah!
                                     DONKEY
                         All right. Nobody move. I got a dragon 
                         here, and I'm not afraid to use it. 
                         (The dragon roars.) I'm a donkey on 
                         the edge!
               The dragon belches and Farquaad's crown flies out of her mouth 
               and falls to the ground.
                                     DONKEY
                         Celebrity marriages. They never last, 
                         do they?
               The congregation cheers.

                                     DONKEY
                         Go ahead, Shrek.

                                     SHREK
                         Uh, Fiona?

                                     FIONA
                         Yes, Shrek?

                                     SHREK
                         I - - I love you.

                                     FIONA
                         Really?

                                     SHREK
                         Really, really.

                                     FIONA
                         (smiles) I love you too.

               Shrek and Fiona kiss. Thelonius takes one of the cards and writes 
               'Awwww' on the back and then shows it to the congregation.
                                     CONGREGATION
                         Aawww!

               Suddenly the magic of the spell pulls Fiona away. She's lifted 
               up into the air and she hovers there while the magic works around 
               her.
                                     WHISPERS
                         "Until you find true love's first kiss 
                         and then take love's true form. Take 
                         love's true form. Take love's true form."
               Suddenly Fiona's eyes open wide. She's consumed by the spell 
               and then is slowly lowered to the ground.
                                     SHREK
                         (going over to her) Fiona? Fiona. Are 
                         you all right?
                                     FIONA
                         (standing up, she's still an ogre) Well, 
                         yes. But I don't understand. I'm supposed 
                         to be beautiful.
                                     SHREK
                         But you ARE beautiful.

               They smile at each other.

                                     DONKEY
                         (chuckles) I was hoping this would be 
                         a happy ending.
               Shrek and Fiona kiss...and the kiss fades into...

               THE SWAMP

               ...their wedding kiss. Shrek and Fiona are now married. 'I'm 
               a Believer' by Smashmouth is played in the background. Shrek 
               and Fiona break apart and run through the crowd to their awaiting 
               carriage. Which is made of a giant onion. Fiona tosses her bouquet 
               which both Cinderella and Snow White try to catch. But they end 
               up getting into a cat fight and so the dragon catches the bouquet 
               instead. The Gingerbread man has been mended somewhat and now 
               has one leg and walks with a candy cane cane. Shrek and Fiona 
               walk off as the rest of the guests party and Donkey takes over 
               singing the song.
                                     GINGERBREAD MAN
                         God bless us, every one.

                                     DONKEY
                         (as he's done singing and we fade to 
                         black) Oh, that's funny. Oh. Oh. I can't 
                         breathe. I can't breathe.
               THE END
The script of shrek
  Allstar - by Smashmouth begins to play. Shrek goes about his 
               day. While in a nearby town, the villagers get together to go 
               after the ogre.
               NIGHT - NEAR SHREK'S HOME
                                     MAN1
                         Think it's in there?

                                     MAN2
                         All right. Let's get it!

                                     MAN1
                         Whoa. Hold on. Do you know what that 
                         thing can do to you?
                                     MAN3
                         Yeah, it'll grind your bones for it's 
                         bread.
               Shrek sneaks up behind them and laughs.

                                     SHREK
                         Yes, well, actually, that would be a 
                         giant. Now, ogres, oh they're much worse. 
                         They'll make a suit from your freshly 
                         peeled skin.
                                     MEN
                         No!

                                     SHREK
                         They'll shave your liver. Squeeze the 
                         jelly from your eyes! Actually, it's 
                         quite good on toast.
                                     MAN1
                         Back! Back, beast! Back! I warn ya! 
                         (waves the torch at Shrek.)
               Shrek calmly licks his fingers and extinguishes the torch. The 
               men shrink back away from him. Shrek roars very loudly and long 
               and his breath extinguishes all the remaining torches until the 
               men are in the dark.
                                     SHREK
                         This is the part where you run away. 
                         (The men scramble to get away. He laughs.) 
                         And stay out! (looks down and picks 
                         up a piece of paper. Reads.) "Wanted. 
                         Fairy tale creatures."(He sighs and 
                         throws the paper over his shoulder.)
               THE NEXT DAY

               There is a line of fairy tale creatures. The head of the guard 
               sits at a table paying people for bringing the fairy tale creatures 
               to him. There are cages all around. Some of the people in line 
               are Peter Pan, who is carrying Tinkerbell in a cage, Gipetto 
               who's carrying Pinocchio, and a farmer who is carrying the three 
               little pigs.
                                     GUARD
                         All right. This one's full. Take it 
                         away! Move it along. Come on! Get up!
                                     HEAD GUARD
                         Next!

                                     GUARD
                         (taking the witch's broom) Give me that! 
                         Your flying days are over. (breaks the 
                         broom in half)
                                     HEAD GUARD
                         That's 20 pieces of silver for the witch. 
                         Next!
                                     GUARD
                         Get up! Come on!

                                     HEAD GUARD
                         Twenty pieces.

                                     LITTLE BEAR
                         (crying) This cage is too small.

                                     DONKEY
                         Please, don't turn me in. I'll never 
                         be stubborn again. I can change. Please! 
                         Give me another chance!
                                     OLD WOMAN
                         Oh, shut up. (jerks his rope)

                                     DONKEY
                         Oh!

                                     HEAD GUARD
                         Next! What have you got?

                                     GIPETTO
                         This little wooden puppet.

                                     PINOCCHIO
                         I'm not a puppet. I'm a real boy. (his 
                         nose grows)
                                     HEAD GUARD
                         Five shillings for the possessed toy. 
                         Take it away.
                                     PINOCCHIO
                         Father, please! Don't let them do this! 
                         Help me!
               Gipetto takes the money and walks off. The old woman steps up 
               to the table.
                                     HEAD GUARD
                         Next! What have you got?

                                     OLD WOMAN
                         Well, I've got a talking donkey.

                                     HEAD GUARD
                         Right. Well, that's good for ten shillings, 
                         if you can prove it.
                                     OLD WOMAN
                         Oh, go ahead, little fella.

               Donkey just looks up at her.

                                     HEAD GUARD
                         Well?

                                     OLD WOMAN
                         Oh, oh, he's just...he's just a little 
                         nervous. He's really quite a chatterbox. 
                         Talk, you boneheaded dolt...
                                     HEAD GUARD
                         That's it. I've heard enough. Guards!
                                     OLD WOMAN
                         No, no, he talks! He does. (pretends 
                         to be Donkey) I can talk. I love to 
                         talk. I'm the talkingest damn thing 
                         you ever saw.
                                     HEAD GUARD
                         Get her out of my sight.

                                     OLD WOMAN
                         No, no! I swear! Oh! He can talk!

               The guards grab the old woman and she struggles with them. One 
               of her legs flies out and kicks Tinkerbell out of Peter Pan's 
               hands, and her cage drops on Donkey's head. He gets sprinkled 
               with fairy dust and he's able to fly.
                                     DONKEY
                         Hey! I can fly!

                                     PETER PAN
                         He can fly!

                                     3 LITTLE PIGS
                         He can fly!

                                     HEAD GUARD
                         He can talk!

                                     DONKEY
                         Ha, ha! That's right, fool! Now I'm 
                         a flying, talking donkey. You might 
                         have seen a housefly, maybe even a superfly 
                         but I bet you ain't never seen a donkey 
                         fly. Ha, ha! (the pixie dust begins 
                         to wear off) Uh-oh. (he begins to sink 
                         to the ground.)
               He hits the ground with a thud.

                                     HEAD GUARD
                         Seize him! (Donkey takes of running.) 
                         After him!
                                     GUARDS
                         He's getting away! Get him! This way! 
                         Turn!
               Donkey keeps running and he eventually runs into Shrek. Literally. 
               Shrek turns around to see who bumped into him. Donkey looks scared 
               for a moment then he spots the guards coming up the path. He 
               quickly hides behind Shrek.
                                     HEAD GUARD
                         You there. Ogre!

                                     SHREK
                         Aye?

                                     HEAD GUARD
                         By the order of Lord Farquaad I am authorized 
                         to place you both under arrest and transport 
                         you to a designated resettlement facility.
                                     SHREK
                         Oh, really? You and what army?

               He looks behind the guard and the guard turns to look as well 
               and we see that the other men have run off. The guard tucks tail 
               and runs off. Shrek laughs and goes back about his business and 
               begins walking back to his cottage.
                                     DONKEY
                         Can I say something to you? Listen, 
                         you was really, really, really somethin' 
                         back here. Incredible!
                                     SHREK
                         Are you talkin' to...(he turns around 
                         and Donkey is gone) me? (he turns back 
                         around and Donkey is right in front 
                         of him.) Whoa!
                                     DONKEY
                         Yes. I was talkin' to you. Can I tell 
                         you that you that you was great back 
                         here? Those guards! They thought they 
                         was all of that. Then you showed up, 
                         and bam! They was trippin' over themselves 
                         like babes in the woods. That really 
                         made me feel good to see that.
                                     SHREK
                         Oh, that's great. Really.

                                     DONKEY
                         Man, it's good to be free.

                                     SHREK
                         Now, why don't you go celebrate your 
                         freedom with your own friends? Hmm?
                                     DONKEY
                         But, uh, I don't have any friends. And 
                         I'm not goin' out there by myself. Hey, 
                         wait a minute! I got a great idea! I'll 
                         stick with you. You're mean, green, 
                         fightin' machine. Together we'll scare 
                         the spit out of anybody that crosses 
                         us.
               Shrek turns and regards Donkey for a moment before roaring very 
               loudly.
                                     DONKEY
                         Oh, wow! That was really scary. If you 
                         don't mind me sayin', if that don't 
                         work, your breath certainly will get 
                         the job done, 'cause you definitely 
                         need some Tic Tacs or something, 'cause 
                         you breath stinks! You almost burned 
                         the hair outta my nose, just like the 
                         time...(Shrek covers his mouth but Donkey 
                         continues to talk, so Shrek removes 
                         his hand.) ...then I ate some rotten 
                         berries. I had strong gases leaking 
                         out of my butt that day.
                                     SHREK
                         Why are you following me?

                                     DONKEY
                         I'll tell you why. (singing) 'Cause 
                         I'm all alone, There's no one here beside 
                         me, My problems have all gone, There's 
                         no one to deride me, But you gotta have 
                         faith...
                                     SHREK
                         Stop singing! It's no wonder you don't 
                         have any friends.
                                     DONKEY
                         Wow. Only a true friend would be that 
                         cruelly honest.
                                     SHREK
                         Listen, little donkey. Take a look at 
                         me. What am I?
                                     DONKEY
                         (looks all the way up at Shrek) Uh ...really 
                         tall?
                                     SHREK
                         No! I'm an ogre! You know. "Grab your 
                         torch and pitchforks." Doesn't that 
                         bother you?
                                     DONKEY
                         Nope.

                                     SHREK
                         Really?

                                     DONKEY
                         Really, really.

                                     SHREK
                         Oh.

                                     DONKEY
                         Man, I like you. What's you name?

                                     SHREK
                         Uh, Shrek.

                                     DONKEY
                         Shrek? Well, you know what I like about 
                         you, Shrek? You got that kind of I-don't-care-what-nobody-thinks-of-me 
                         thing. I like that. I respect that, 
                         Shrek. You all right. (They come over 
                         a hill and you can see Shrek's cottage.) 
                         Whoa! Look at that. Who'd want to live 
                         in place like that?
                                     SHREK
                         That would be my home.

                                     DONKEY
                         Oh! And it is lovely! Just beautiful. 
                         You know you are quite a decorator. 
                         It's amazing what you've done with such 
                         a modest budget. I like that boulder. 
                         That is a nice boulder. I guess you 
                         don't entertain much, do you?
                                     SHREK
                         I like my privacy.

                                     DONKEY
                         You know, I do too. That's another thing 
                         we have in common. Like I hate it when 
                         you got somebody in your face. You've 
                         trying to give them a hint, and they 
                         won't leave. There's that awkward silence. 
                         (awkward silence) Can I stay with you?
                                     SHREK
                         Uh, what?

                                     DONKEY
                         Can I stay with you, please?

                                     SHREK
                         (sarcastically) Of course!

                                     DONKEY
                         Really?

                                     SHREK
                         No.

                                     DONKEY
                         Please! I don't wanna go back there! 
                         You don't know what it's like to be 
                         considered a freak. (pause while he 
                         looks at Shrek) Well, maybe you do. 
                         But that's why we gotta stick together. 
                         You gotta let me stay! Please! Please!
                                     SHREK
                         Okay! Okay! But one night only.

                                     DONKEY
                         Ah! Thank you! (he runs inside the cottage)
                                     SHREK
                         What are you...? (Donkey hops up onto 
                         a chair.) No! No!
                                     DONKEY
                         This is gonna be fun! We can stay up 
                         late, swappin' manly stories, and in 
                         the mornin' I'm makin' waffles.
                                     SHREK
                         Oh!

                                     DONKEY
                         Where do, uh, I sleep?

                                     SHREK
                         (irritated) Outside!

                                     DONKEY
                         Oh, well, I guess that's cool. I mean, 
                         I don't know you, and you don't know 
                         me, so I guess outside is best, you 
                         know. Here I go. Good night. (Shrek 
                         slams the door.) (sigh) I mean, I do 
                         like the outdoors. I'm a donkey. I was 
                         born outside. I'll just be sitting by 
                         myself outside, I guess, you know. By 
                         myself, outside. I'm all alone...there's 
                         no one here beside me...
               SHREK'S COTTAGE - NIGHT

               Shrek is getting ready for dinner. He sits himself down and lights 
               a candle made out of earwax. He begins to eat when he hears a 
               noise. He stands up with a huff.
                                     SHREK
                         (to Donkey) I thought I told you to 
                         stay outside.
                                     DONKEY
                         (from the window) I am outside.

               There is another noise and Shrek turns to find the person that 
               made the noise. He sees several shadows moving. He finally turns 
               and spots 3 blind mice on his table.
                                     BLIND MOUSE1
                         Well, gents, it's a far cry from the 
                         farm, but what choice do we have?
                                     BLIND MOUSE2
                         It's not home, but it'll do just fine.
                                     GORDO
                         (bouncing on a slug) What a lovely bed.
                                     SHREK
                         Got ya. (Grabs a mouse, but it escapes 
                         and lands on his shoulder.)
                                     GORDO
                         I found some cheese. (bites Shrek's 
                         ear)
                                     SHREK
                         Ow!

                                     GORDO
                         Blah! Awful stuff.

                                     BLIND MOUSE1
                         Is that you, Gordo?

                                     GORDO
                         How did you know?

                                     SHREK
                         Enough! (he grabs the 3 mice) What are 
                         you doing in my house? (He gets bumped 
                         from behind and he drops the mice.) 
                         Hey! (he turns and sees the Seven Dwarves 
                         with Snow White on the table.) Oh, no, 
                         no, no. Dead broad off the table.
                                     DWARF
                         Where are we supposed to put her? The 
                         bed's taken.
                                     SHREK
                         Huh?

               Shrek marches over to the bedroom and throws back the curtain. 
               The Big Bad Wolf is sitting in the bed. The wolf just looks at 
               him.
                                     BIG BAD WOLF
                         What?

               TIME LAPSE

               Shrek now has the Big Bad Wolf by the collar and is dragging 
               him to the front door.
                                     SHREK
                         I live in a swamp. I put up signs. I'm 
                         a terrifying ogre! What do I have to 
                         do get a little privacy? (He opens the 
                         front door to throw the Wolf out and 
                         he sees that all the collected Fairy 
                         Tale Creatures are on his land.) Oh, 
                         no. No! No!
               The 3 bears sit around the fire, the pied piper is playing his 
               pipe and the rats are all running to him, some elves are directing 
               flight traffic so that the fairies and witches can land...etc.
                                     SHREK
                         What are you doing in my swamp? (this 
                         echoes and everyone falls silent.)
               Gasps are heard all around. The 3 good fairies hide inside a 
               tent.
                                     SHREK
                         All right, get out of here. All of you, 
                         move it! Come on! Let's go! Hapaya! 
                         Hapaya! Hey! Quickly. Come on! (more 
                         dwarves run inside the house) No, no! 
                         No, no. Not there. Not there. (they 
                         shut the door on him) Oh! (turns to 
                         look at Donkey)
                                     DONKEY
                         Hey, don't look at me. I didn't invite 
                         them.
                                     PINOCCHIO
                         Oh, gosh, no one invited us.

                                     SHREK
                         What?

                                     PINOCCHIO
                         We were forced to come here.

                                     SHREK
                         (flabbergasted) By who?

                                     LITTLE PIG
                         Lord Farquaad. He huffed and he puffed 
                         and he...signed an eviction notice.
                                     SHREK
                         (heavy sigh) All right. Who knows where 
                         this Farquaad guy is?
               Everyone looks around at each other but no one answers.

                                     DONKEY
                         Oh, I do. I know where he is.

                                     SHREK
                         Does anyone else know where to find 
                         him? Anyone at all?
                                     DONKEY
                         Me! Me!

                                     SHREK
                         Anyone?

                                     DONKEY
                         Oh! Oh, pick me! Oh, I know! I know! 
                         Me, me!
                                     SHREK
                         (sigh) Okay, fine. Attention, all fairy 
                         tale things. Do not get comfortable. 
                         Your welcome is officially worn out. 
                         In fact, I'm gonna see this guy Farquaad 
                         right now and get you all off my land 
                         and back where you came from! (Pause. 
                         Then the crowd goes wild.) Oh! (to Donkey) 
                         You! You're comin' with me.
                                     DONKEY
                         All right, that's what I like to hear, 
                         man. Shrek and Donkey, two stalwart 
                         friends, off on a whirlwind big-city 
                         adventure. I love it!
                                     DONKEY
                         (singing) On the road again. Sing it 
                         with me, Shrek. I can't wait to get 
                         on the road again.
                                     SHREK
                         What did I say about singing?

                                     DONKEY
                         Can I whistle?

                                     SHREK
                         No.

                                     DONKEY
                         Can I hum it?

                                     SHREK
                         All right, hum it.

               Donkey begins to hum 'On the Road Again'.

               DULOC - KITCHEN

               A masked man is torturing the Gingerbread Man. He's continually 
               dunking him in a glass of milk. Lord Farquaad walks in.
                                     FARQUAAD
                         That's enough. He's ready to talk.
               The Gingerbread Man is pulled out of the milk and slammed down 
               onto a cookie sheet. Farquaad laughs as he walks over to the 
               table. However when he reaches the table we see that it goes 
               up to his eyes. He clears his throat and the table is lowered.
                                     FARQUAAD
                         (he picks up the Gingerbread Man's legs 
                         and plays with them) Run, run, run, 
                         as fast as you can. You can't catch 
                         me. I'm the gingerbread man.
                                     GINGERBREAD MAN
                         You are a monster.

                                     FARQUAAD
                         I'm not the monster here. You are. You 
                         and the rest of that fairy tale trash, 
                         poisoning my perfect world. Now, tell 
                         me! Where are the others?
                                     GINGERBREAD MAN
                         Eat me! (He spits milk into Farquaad's 
                         eye.)
                                     FARQUAAD
                         I've tried to be fair to you creatures. 
                         Now my patience has reached its end! 
                         Tell me or I'll...(he makes as if to 
                         pull off the Gingerbread Man's buttons)
                                     GINGERBREAD MAN
                         No, no, not the buttons. Not my gumdrop 
                         buttons.
                                     FARQUAAD
                         All right then. Who's hiding them?
                                     GINGERBREAD MAN
                         Okay, I'll tell you. Do you know the 
                         muffin man?
                                     FARQUAAD
                         The muffin man?

                                     GINGERBREAD MAN
                         The muffin man.

                                     FARQUAAD
                         Yes, I know the muffin man, who lives 
                         on Drury Lane?
                                     GINGERBREAD MAN
                         Well, she's married to the muffin man.
                                     FARQUAAD
                         The muffin man?

                                     GINGERBREAD MAN
                         The muffin man!

                                     FARQUAAD
                         She's married to the muffin man.

               The door opens and the Head Guard walks in.

                                     HEAD GUARD
                         My lord! We found it.

                                     FARQUAAD
                         Then what are you waiting for? Bring 
                         it in.
               More guards enter carrying something that is covered by a sheet. 
               They hang up whatever it is and remove the sheet. It is the Magic 
               Mirror.
                                     GINGERBREAD MAN
                         (in awe) Ohhhh...

                                     FARQUAAD
                         Magic mirror...

                                     GINGERBREAD MAN
                         Don't tell him anything! (Farquaad picks 
                         him up and dumps him into a trash can 
                         with a lid.) No!
                                     FARQUAAD
                         Evening. Mirror, mirror on the wall. 
                         Is this not the most perfect kingdom 
                         of them all?
                                     MIRROR
                         Well, technically you're not a king.
                                     FARQUAAD
                         Uh, Thelonius. (Thelonius holds up a 
                         hand mirror and smashes it with his 
                         fist.) You were saying?
                                     MIRROR
                         What I mean is you're not a king yet. 
                         But you can become one. All you have 
                         to do is marry a princess.
                                     FARQUAAD
                         Go on.

                                     MIRROR
                         (chuckles nervously) So, just sit back 
                         and relax, my lord, because it's time 
                         for you to meet today's eligible bachelorettes. 
                         And here they are! Bachelorette number 
                         one is a mentally abused shut-in from 
                         a kingdom far, far away. She likes sushi 
                         and hot tubbing anytime. Her hobbies 
                         include cooking and cleaning for her 
                         two evil sisters. Please welcome Cinderella. 
                         (shows picture of Cinderella) Bachelorette 
                         number two is a cape-wearing girl from 
                         the land of fancy. Although she lives 
                         with seven other men, she's not easy. 
                         Just kiss her dead, frozen lips and 
                         find out what a live wire she is. Come 
                         on. Give it up for Snow White! (shows 
                         picture of Snow White) And last, but 
                         certainly not last, bachelorette number 
                         three is a fiery redhead from a dragon-guarded 
                         castle surrounded by hot boiling lava! 
                         But don't let that cool you off. She's 
                         a loaded pistol who likes pina colads 
                         and getting caught in the rain. Yours 
                         for the rescuing, Princess Fiona! (Shows 
                         picture of Princess Fiona) So will it 
                         be bachelorette number one, bachelorette 
                         number two or bachelorette number three?
                                     GUARDS
                         Two! Two! Three! Three! Two! Two! Three!
                                     FARQUAAD
                         Three? One? Three?

                                     THELONIUS
                         Three! (holds up 2 fingers) Pick number 
                         three, my lord!
                                     FARQUAAD
                         Okay, okay, uh, number three!

                                     MIRROR
                         Lord Farquaad, you've chosen Princess 
                         Fiona.
                                     FARQUAAD
                         Princess Fiona. She's perfect. All I 
                         have to do is just find someone who 
                         can go...
                                     MIRROR
                         But I probably should mention the little 
                         thing that happens at night.
                                     FARQUAAD
                         I'll do it.

                                     MIRROR
                         Yes, but after sunset...

                                     FARQUAAD
                         Silence! I will make this Princess Fiona 
                         my queen, and DuLoc will finally have 
                         the perfect king! Captain, assemble 
                         your finest men. We're going to have 
                         a tournament. (smiles evilly)
               DuLoc Parking Lot - Lancelot Section

               Shrek and Donkey come out of the field that is right by the parking 
               lot. The castle itself is about 40 stories high.
                                     DONKEY
                         But that's it. That's it right there. 
                         That's DuLoc. I told ya I'd find it.
                                     SHREK
                         So, that must be Lord Farquaad's castle.
                                     DONKEY
                         Uh-huh. That's the place.

                                     SHREK
                         Do you think maybe he's compensating 
                         for something? (He laughs, but then 
                         groans as Donkey doesn't get the joke. 
                         He continues walking through the parking 
                         lot.)
                                     DONKEY
                         Hey, wait. Wait up, Shrek.

                                     MAN
                         Hurry, darling. We're late. Hurry.
                                     SHREK
                         Hey, you! (The attendant, who is wearing 
                         a giant head that looks like Lord Farquaad, 
                         screams and begins running through the 
                         rows of rope to get to the front gate 
                         to get away from Shrek.) Wait a second. 
                         Look, I'm not gonna eat you. I just 
                         - - I just - - (He sighs and then begins 
                         walking straight through the rows. The 
                         attendant runs into a wall and falls 
                         down. Shrek and Donkey look at him then 
                         continue on into DuLoc.)
               DULOC

               They look around but all is quiet.

                                     SHREK
                         It's quiet. Too quiet. Where is everybody?
                                     DONKEY
                         Hey, look at this!

               Donkey runs over and pulls a lever that is attached to a box 
               marked 'Information'. The music winds up and then the box doors 
               open up. There are little wooden people inside and they begin 
               to sing.
                                     WOODEN PEOPLE
                         Welcome to DuLoc such a perfect town
               Here we have some rules

               Let us lay them down

               Don't make waves, stay in line

               And we'll get along fine

               DuLoc is perfect place

               Please keep off of the grass

               Shine your shoes, wipe your... face

               DuLoc is, DuLoc is

               DuLoc is perfect place.

               Suddenly a camera takes Donkey and Shrek's picture.

                                     DONKEY
                         Wow! Let's do that again! (makes ready 
                         to run over and pull the lever again)
                                     SHREK
                         (grabs Donkey's tail and holds him still) 
                         No. No. No, no, no! No.
               They hear a trumpet fanfare and head over to the arena.

                                     FARQUAAD
                         Brave knights. You are the best and 
                         brightest in all the land. Today one 
                         of you shall prove himself...
               As Shrek and Donkey walk down the tunnel to get into the arena 
               Donkey is humming the DuLoc theme song.
                                     SHREK
                         All right. You're going the right way 
                         for a smacked bottom.
                                     DONKEY
                         Sorry about that.

                                     FARQUAAD
                         That champion shall have the honor - 
                         - no, no - - the privilege to go forth 
                         and rescue the lovely Princess Fiona 
                         from the fiery keep of the dragon. If 
                         for any reason the winner is unsuccessful, 
                         the first runner-up will take his place 
                         and so on and so forth. Some of you 
                         may die, but it's a sacrifice I am willing 
                         to make. (cheers) Let the tournament 
                         begin! (He notices Shrek) Oh! What is 
                         that? It's hideous!
                                     SHREK
                         (turns to look at Donkey and then back 
                         at Farquaad) Ah, that's not very nice. 
                         It's just a donkey.
                                     FARQUAAD
                         Indeed. Knights, new plan! The one who 
                         kills the ogre will be named champion! 
                         Have it him!
                                     MEN
                         Get him!

                                     SHREK
                         Oh, hey! Now come on! Hang on now. (bumps 
                         into a table where there are mugs of 
                         beer)
                                     CROWD
                         Go ahead! Get him!

                                     SHREK
                         (holds up a mug of beer) Can't we just 
                         settle this over a pint?
                                     CROWD
                         Kill the beast!

                                     SHREK
                         No? All right then. (drinks the beer) 
                         Come on!
               He takes the mug and smashes the spigot off the large barrel 
               of beer behind him. The beer comes rushing out drenching the 
               other men and wetting the ground. It's like mud now. Shrek slides 
               past the men and picks up a spear that one of the men dropped. 
               As Shrek begins to fight Donkey hops up onto one of the larger 
               beer barrels. It breaks free of it's ropes and begins to roll. 
               Donkey manages to squish two men into the mud. There is so much 
               fighting going on here I'm not going to go into detail. Suffice 
               to say that Shrek kicks butt.
                                     DONKEY
                         Hey, Shrek, tag me! Tag me!

               Shrek comes over and bangs a man's head up against Donkeys. Shrek 
               gets up on the ropes and interacts with the crowd.
                                     SHREK
                         Yeah!

               A man tries to sneak up behind Shrek, but Shrek turns in time 
               and sees him.
                                     WOMAN
                         The chair! Give him the chair!

               Shrek smashes a chair over the guys back. Finally all the men 
               are down. Donkey kicks one of them in the helmet, and the ding 
               sounds the end of the match. The audience goes wild.
                                     SHREK
                         Oh, yeah! Ah! Ah! Thank you! Thank you 
                         very much! I'm here till Thursday. Try 
                         the veal! Ha, ha! (laughs)
               The laughter stops as all of the guards turn their weapons on 
               Shrek.
                                     HEAD GUARD
                         Shall I give the order, sir?

                                     FARQUAAD
                         No, I have a better idea. People of 
                         DuLoc, I give you our champion!
                                     SHREK
                         What?

                                     FARQUAAD
                         Congratulations, ogre. You're won the 
                         honor of embarking on a great and noble 
                         quest.
                                     SHREK
                         Quest? I'm already in a quest, a quest 
                         to get my swamp back.
                                     FARQUAAD
                         Your swamp?

                                     SHREK
                         Yeah, my swamp! Where you dumped those 
                         fairy tale creatures!
                                     FARQUAAD
                         Indeed. All right, ogre. I'll make you 
                         a deal. Go on this quest for me, and 
                         I'll give you your swamp back.
                                     SHREK
                         Exactly the way it was?

                                     FARQUAAD
                         Down to the last slime-covered toadstool.
                                     SHREK
                         And the squatters?

                                     FARQUAAD
                         As good as gone.

                                     SHREK
                         What kind of quest?

               Time Lapse - Donkey and Shrek are now walking through the field 
               heading away from DuLoc. Shrek is munching on an onion.
                                     DONKEY
                         Let me get this straight. You're gonna 
                         go fight a dragon and rescue a princess 
                         just so Farquaad will give you back 
                         a swamp which you only don't have because 
                         he filled it full of freaks in the first 
                         place. Is that about right?
                                     SHREK
                         You know, maybe there's a good reason 
                         donkeys shouldn't talk.
                                     DONKEY
                         I don't get it. Why don't you just pull 
                         some of that ogre stuff on him? Throttle 
                         him, lay siege to his fortress, grinds 
                         his bones to make your bread, the whole 
                         ogre trip.
                                     SHREK
                         Oh, I know what. Maybe I could have 
                         decapitated an entire village and put 
                         their heads on a pike, gotten a knife, 
                         cut open their spleen and drink their 
                         fluids. Does that sound good to you?
                                     DONKEY
                         Uh, no, not really, no.

                                     SHREK
                         For your information, there's a lot 
                         more to ogres than people think.
                                     DONKEY
                         Example?

                                     SHREK
                         Example? Okay, um, ogres are like onions. 
                         (he holds out his onion)
                                     DONKEY
                         (sniffs the onion) They stink?

                                     SHREK
                         Yes - - No!

                                     DONKEY
                         They make you cry?

                                     SHREK
                         No!

                                     DONKEY
                         You leave them in the sun, they get 
                         all brown, start sproutin' little white 
                         hairs.
                                     SHREK
                         No! Layers! Onions have layers. Ogres 
                         have layers! Onions have layers. You 
                         get it? We both have layers. (he heaves 
                         a sigh and then walks off)
                                     DONKEY
                         (trailing after Shrek) Oh, you both 
                         have layers. Oh. {Sniffs} You know, 
                         not everybody likes onions. Cake! Everybody 
                         loves cakes! Cakes have layers.
                                     SHREK
                         I don't care... what everyone likes. 
                         Ogres are not like cakes.
                                     DONKEY
                         You know what else everybody likes? 
                         Parfaits. Have you ever met a person, 
                         you say, "Let's get some parfait," they 
                         say, "Hell no, I don't like no parfait"? 
                         Parfaits are delicious.
                                     SHREK
                         No! You dense, irritating, miniature 
                         beast of burden! Ogres are like onions! 
                         And of story. Bye-bye. See ya later.
                                     DONKEY
                         Parfaits may be the most delicious thing 
                         on the whole damn planet.
                                     SHREK
                         You know, I think I preferred your humming.
                                     DONKEY
                         Do you have a tissue or something? I'm 
                         making a mess. Just the word parfait 
                         make me start slobbering.
               They head off. There is a montage of their journey. Walking through 
               a field at sunset. Sleeping beneath a bright moon. Shrek trying 
               to put the campfire out the next day and having a bit of a problem, 
               so Donkey pees on the fire to put it out.
               DRAGON'S KEEP

               Shrek and Donkey are walking up to the keep that's supposed to 
               house Princess Fiona. It appears to look like a giant volcano.
                                     DONKEY
                         (sniffs) Ohh! Shrek! Did you do that? 
                         You gotta warn somebody before you just 
                         crack one off. My mouth was open and 
                         everything.
                                     SHREK
                         Believe me, Donkey, if it was me, you'd 
                         be dead. (sniffs) It's brimstone. We 
                         must be getting close.
                                     DONKEY
                         Yeah, right, brimstone. Don't be talking 
                         about it's the brimstone. I know what 
                         I smell. It wasn't no brimstone. It 
                         didn't come off no stone neither.
               They climb up the side of the volcano/keep and look down. There 
               is a small piece of rock right in the center and that is where 
               the castle is. It is surrounded by boiling lava. It looks very 
               foreboding.
                                     SHREK
                         Sure, it's big enough, but look at the 
                         location. (laughs...then the laugh turns 
                         into a groan)
                                     DONKEY
                         Uh, Shrek? Uh, remember when you said 
                         ogres have layers?
                                     SHREK
                         Oh, aye.

                                     DONKEY
                         Well, I have a bit of a confession to 
                         make. Donkeys don't have layers. We 
                         wear our fear right out there on our 
                         sleeves.
                                     SHREK
                         Wait a second. Donkeys don't have sleeves.
                                     DONKEY
                         You know what I mean.

                                     SHREK
                         You can't tell me you're afraid of heights.
                                     DONKEY
                         No, I'm just a little uncomfortable 
                         about being on a rickety bridge over 
                         a boiling like of lava!
                                     SHREK
                         Come on, Donkey. I'm right here beside 
                         ya, okay? For emotional support., we'll 
                         just tackle this thing together one 
                         little baby step at a time.
                                     DONKEY
                         Really?

                                     SHREK
                         Really, really.

                                     DONKEY
                         Okay, that makes me feel so much better.
                                     SHREK
                         Just keep moving. And don't look down.
                                     DONKEY
                         Okay, don't look down. Don't look down. 
                         Don't look down. Keep on moving. Don't 
                         look down. (he steps through a rotting 
                         board and ends up looking straight down 
                         into the lava) Shrek! I'm lookin' down! 
                         Oh, God, I can't do this! Just let me 
                         off, please!
                                     SHREK
                         But you're already halfway.

                                     DONKEY
                         But I know that half is safe!

                                     SHREK
                         Okay, fine. I don't have time for this. 
                         You go back.
                                     DONKEY
                         Shrek, no! Wait!

                                     SHREK
                         Just, Donkey - - Let's have a dance 
                         then, shall me? (bounces and sways the 
                         bridge)
                                     DONKEY
                         Don't do that!

                                     SHREK
                         Oh, I'm sorry. Do what? Oh, this? (bounces 
                         the bridge again)
                                     DONKEY
                         Yes, that!

                                     SHREK
                         Yes? Yes, do it. Okay. (continues to 
                         bounce and sway as he backs Donkey across 
                         the bridge)
                                     DONKEY
                         No, Shrek! No! Stop it!

                                     SHREK
                         You said do it! I'm doin' it.

                                     DONKEY
                         I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die. Shrek, 
                         I'm gonna die. (steps onto solid ground) 
                         Oh!
                                     SHREK
                         That'll do, Donkey. That'll do. (walks 
                         towards the castle)
                                     DONKEY
                         Cool. So where is this fire-breathing 
                         pain-in-the-neck anyway?
                                     SHREK
                         Inside, waiting for us to rescue her. 
                         (chuckles)
                                     DONKEY
                         I was talkin' about the dragon, Shrek.
               INSIDE THE CASTLE
                                     DONKEY
                         You afraid?

                                     SHREK
                         No.

                                     DONKEY
                         But...

                                     SHREK
                         Shh.

                                     DONKEY
                         Oh, good. Me neither. (sees a skeleton 
                         and gasps) 'Cause there's nothin' wrong 
                         with bein' afraid. Fear's a sensible 
                         response to an unfamiliar situation. 
                         Unfamiliar dangerous situation, I might 
                         add. With a dragon that breathes fire 
                         and eats knights and breathes fire, 
                         it sure doesn't mean you're a coward 
                         if you're a little scared. I sure as 
                         heck ain't no coward. I know that.
                                     SHREK
                         Donkey, two things, okay? Shut ... up. 
                         Now go over there and see if you can 
                         find any stairs.
                                     DONKEY
                         Stairs? I thought we was lookin' for 
                         the princess.
                                     SHREK
                         (putting on a helmet) The princess will 
                         be up the stairs in the highest room 
                         in the tallest tower.
                                     DONKEY
                         What makes you think she'll be there?
                                     SHREK
                         I read it in a book once. (walks off)
                                     DONKEY
                         Cool. You handle the dragon. I'll handle 
                         the stairs. I'll find those stairs. 
                         I'll whip their butt too. Those stairs 
                         won't know which way they're goin'. 
                         (walks off)
               EMPTY ROOM

               Donkey is still talking to himself as he looks around the room.
                                     DONKEY
                         I'm gonna take drastic steps. Kick it 
                         to the curb. Don't mess with me. I'm 
                         the stair master. I've mastered the 
                         stairs. I wish I had a step right here. 
                         I'd step all over it.
               ELSEWHERE

               Shrek spots a light in the tallest tower window.

                                     SHREK
                         Well, at least we know where the princess 
                         is, but where's the...
                                     DONKEY
                         (os) Dragon!

               Donkey gasps and takes off running as the dragon roars again. 
               Shrek manages to grab Donkey out of the way just as the dragon 
               breathes fire.
                                     SHREK
                         Donkey, look out! (he manages to get 
                         a hold of the dragons tail and holds 
                         on) Got ya!
               The dragon gets irritated at this and flicks it's tail and Shrek 
               goes flying through the air and crashes through the roof of the 
               tallest tower. Fiona wakes up with a jerk and looks at him lying 
               on the floor.
                                     DONKEY
                         Oh! Aah! Aah!

               Donkey get cornered as the Dragon knocks away all but a small 
               part of the bridge he's on.
                                     DONKEY
                         No. Oh, no, No! (the dragon roars) Oh, 
                         what large teeth you have. (the dragon 
                         growls) I mean white, sparkling teeth. 
                         I know you probably hear this all time 
                         from your food, but you must bleach, 
                         'cause that is one dazzling smile you 
                         got there. Do I detect a hint of minty 
                         freshness? And you know what else? You're 
                         - - You're a girl dragon! Oh, sure! 
                         I mean, of course you're a girl dragon. 
                         You're just reeking of feminine beauty. 
                         (the dragon begins fluttering her eyes 
                         at him) What's the matter with you? 
                         You got something in your eye? Ohh. 
                         Oh. Oh. Man, I'd really love to stay, 
                         but you know, I'm, uh...(the dragon 
                         blows a smoke ring in the shape of a 
                         heart right at him, and he coughs) I'm 
                         an asthmatic, and I don't know if it'd 
                         work out if you're gonna blow smoke 
                         rings. Shrek! (the dragon picks him 
                         up with her teeth and carries him off) 
                         No! Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!
               FIONA'S ROOM

               Shrek groans as he gets up off the floor. His back is to Fiona 
               so she straightens her dress and lays back down on the bed. She 
               then quickly reaches over and gets the bouquet of flowers off 
               the side table. She then lays back down and appears to be asleep. 
               Shrek turns and goes over to her. He looks down at Fiona for 
               a moment and she puckers her lips. Shrek takes her by the shoulders 
               and shakes her away.
                                     FIONA
                         Oh! Oh!

                                     SHREK
                         Wake up!

                                     FIONA
                         What?

                                     SHREK
                         Are you Princess Fiona?

                                     FIONA
                         I am, awaiting a knight so bold as to 
                         rescue me.
                                     SHREK
                         Oh, that's nice. Now let's go!

                                     FIONA
                         But wait, Sir Knight. This be-ith our 
                         first meeting. Should it not be a wonderful, 
                         romantic moment?
                                     SHREK
                         Yeah, sorry, lady. There's no time.
                                     FIONA
                         Hey, wait. What are you doing? You should 
                         sweep me off my feet out yonder window 
                         and down a rope onto your valiant steed.
                                     SHREK
                         You've had a lot of time to plan this, 
                         haven't you?
                                     FIONA
                         (smiles) Mm-hmm.

               Shrek breaks the lock on her door and pulls her out and down 
               the hallway.
                                     FIONA
                         But we have to savor this moment! You 
                         could recite an epic poem for me. A 
                         ballad? A sonnet! A limerick? Or something!
                                     SHREK
                         I don't think so.

                                     FIONA
                         Can I at least know the name of my champion?
                                     SHREK
                         Uh, Shrek.

                                     FIONA
                         Sir Shrek. (clears throat and holds 
                         out a handkerchief) I pray that you 
                         take this favor as a token of my gratitude.
                                     SHREK
                         Thanks!

               Suddenly they hear the dragon roar.

                                     FIONA
                         (surprised)You didn't slay the dragon?
                                     SHREK
                         It's on my to-do list. Now come on! 
                         (takes off running and drags Fiona behind 
                         him.)
                                     FIONA
                         But this isn't right! You were meant 
                         to charge in, sword drawn, banner flying. 
                         That's what all the other knights did.
                                     SHREK
                         Yeah, right before they burst into flame.
                                     FIONA
                         That's not the point. (Shrek suddenly 
                         stops and she runs into him.) Oh! (Shrek 
                         ignores her and heads for a wooden door 
                         off to the side.) Wait. Where are you 
                         going? The exit's over there.
                                     SHREK
                         Well, I have to save my ass.

                                     FIONA
                         What kind of knight are you?

                                     SHREK
                         One of a kind. (opens the door into 
                         the throne room)
                                     DONKEY
                         (os) Slow down. Slow down, baby, please. 
                         I believe it's healthy to get to know 
                         someone over a long period of time. 
                         Just call me old-fashioned. (laughs 
                         worriedly) (we see him up close and 
                         from a distance as Shrek sneaks into 
                         the room) I don't want to rush into 
                         a physical relationship. I'm not emotionally 
                         ready for a commitment of, uh, this 
                         - - Magnitude really is the word I'm 
                         looking for. Magnitude- - Hey, that 
                         is unwanted physical contact. Hey, what 
                         are you doing? Okay, okay. Let's just 
                         back up a little and take this one step 
                         at a time. We really should get to know 
                         each other first as friends or pen pals. 
                         I'm on the road a lot, but I just love 
                         receiving cards - - I'd really love 
                         to stay, but - - Don't do that! That's 
                         my tail! That's my personal tail. You're 
                         gonna tear it off. I don't give permission 
                         - - What are you gonna do with that? 
                         Hey, now. No way. No! No! No, no! No. 
                         No, no, no. No! Oh!
               Shrek grabs a chain that's connected to the chandelier and swings 
               toward the dragon. He misses and he swings back again. He looks 
               up and spots that the chandelier is right above the dragons head. 
               He pulls on the chain and it releases and he falls down and bumps 
               Donkey out of the way right as the dragon is about to kiss him. 
               Instead the dragon kisses Shreks' butt. She opens her eyes and 
               roars. Shrek lets go of the chain and the chandelier falls onto 
               her head, but it's too big and it goes over her head and forms 
               a sort of collar for her. She roars again and Shrek and Donkey 
               take off running. Very 'Matrix' style. Shrek grabs Donkey and 
               then grabs Princess Fiona as he runs past her.
                                     DONKEY
                         Hi, Princess!

                                     FIONA
                         It talks!

                                     SHREK
                         Yeah, it's getting him to shut up that's 
                         the trick.
               They all start screaming as the dragon gains on them. Shrek spots 
               a descending slide and jumps on. But unfortunately there is a 
               crack in the stone and it hits Shrek right in the groin. His 
               eyes cross and as he reaches the bottom of the slide he stumbles 
               off and walks lightly.
                                     SHREK
                         Oh!

               Shrek gets them close to the exit and sets down Donkey and Fiona.
                                     SHREK
                         Okay, you two, heard for the exit! I'll 
                         take care of the dragon.
               Shrek grabs a sword and heads back toward the interior of the 
               castle. He throws the sword down in between several overlapping 
               chain links. The chain links are attached to the chandelier that 
               is still around the dragons neck.
                                     SHREK
                         (echoing) Run!

               They all take off running for the exit with the dragon in hot 
               pursuit. They make it to the bridge and head across. The dragons 
               breathes fire and the bridge begins to burn. They all hang on 
               for dear life as the ropes holding the bridge up collapse. They 
               are swung to the other side. As they hang upside down they look 
               in horror as the dragon makes to fly over the boiling lava to 
               get them. But suddenly the chandelier with the chain jerk the 
               dragon back and she's unable to get to them. Our gang climbs 
               quickly to safety as the dragon looks angry and then gives a 
               sad whimper as she watches Donkey walk away.
                                     FIONA
                         (sliding down the 'volcano' hill) You 
                         did it! You rescued me! You're amazing. 
                         (behind her Donkey falls down the hill) 
                         You're - - You're wonderful. You're... 
                         (turns and sees Shrek fall down the 
                         hill and bump into Donkey) a little 
                         unorthodox I'll admit. But thy deed 
                         is great, and thy heart is pure. I am 
                         eternally in your debt. (Donkey clears 
                         his throat.) And where would a brave 
                         knight be without his noble steed?
                                     DONKEY
                         I hope you heard that. She called me 
                         a noble steed. She think I'm a steed.
                                     FIONA
                         The battle is won. You may remove your 
                         helmet, good Sir Knight.
                                     SHREK
                         Uh, no.

                                     FIONA
                         Why not?

                                     SHREK
                         I have helmet hair.

                                     FIONA
                         Please. I would'st look upon the face 
                         of my rescuer.
                                     SHREK
                         No, no, you wouldn't - - 'st.

                                     FIONA
                         But how will you kiss me?

                                     SHREK
                         What? (to Donkey) That wasn't in the 
                         job description.
                                     DONKEY
                         Maybe it's a perk.

                                     FIONA
                         No, it's destiny. Oh, you must know 
                         how it goes. A princess locked in a 
                         tower and beset by a dragon is rescued 
                         by a brave knight, and then they share 
                         true love's first kiss.
                                     DONKEY
                         Hmm? With Shrek? You think- - Wait. 
                         Wait. You think that Shrek is you true 
                         love?
                                     FIONA
                         Well, yes.

               Both Donkey and Shrek burst out laughing.

                                     DONKEY
                         You think Shrek is your true love!
                                     FIONA
                         What is so funny?

                                     SHREK
                         Let's just say I'm not your type, okay?Fiona: 
                         Of course, you are. You're my rescuer. 
                         Now - - Now remove your helmet.
                                     SHREK
                         Look. I really don't think this is a 
                         good idea.
                                     FIONA
                         Just take off the helmet.

                                     SHREK
                         I'm not going to.

                                     FIONA
                         Take it off.

                                     SHREK
                         No!

                                     FIONA
                         Now!

                                     SHREK
                         Okay! Easy. As you command. Your Highness. 
                         (takes off his helmet)
                                     FIONA
                         You- - You're a- - an ogre.

                                     SHREK
                         Oh, you were expecting Prince Charming.
                                     FIONA
                         Well, yes, actually. Oh, no. This is 
                         all wrong. You're not supposed to be 
                         an ogre.
                                     SHREK
                         Princess, I was sent to rescue you by 
                         Lord Farquaad, okay? He is the one who 
                         wants to marry you.
                                     FIONA
                         Then why didn't he come rescue me?
                                     SHREK
                         Good question. You should ask him that 
                         when we get there.
                                     FIONA
                         But I have to be rescued by my true 
                         love, not by some ogre and his- - his 
                         pet.
                                     DONKEY
                         Well, so much for noble steed.

                                     SHREK
                         You're not making my job any easier.
                                     FIONA
                         I'm sorry, but your job is not my problem. 
                         You can tell Lord Farquaad that if he 
                         wants to rescue me properly, I'll be 
                         waiting for him right here.
                                     SHREK
                         Hey! I'm no one's messenger boy, all 
                         right? (ominous) I'm a delivery boy. 
                         (he swiftly picks her up and swings 
                         her over his shoulder like she was a 
                         sack of potatoes)
                                     FIONA
                         You wouldn't dare. Put me down!

                                     SHREK
                         Ya comin', Donkey?

                                     DONKEY
                         I'm right behind ya.

                                     FIONA
                         Put me down, or you will suffer the 
                         consequences! This is not dignified! 
                         Put me down!
               WOODS

               A little time has passed and Fiona has calmed down. She just 
               hangs there limply while Shrek carries her.
                                     DONKEY
                         Okay, so here's another question. Say 
                         there's a woman that digs you, right, 
                         but you don't really like her that way. 
                         How do you let her down real easy so 
                         her feelings aren't hurt, but you don't 
                         get burned to a crisp and eaten?
                                     FIONA
                         You just tell her she's not your true 
                         love. Everyone knows what happens when 
                         you find your...(Shrek drops her on 
                         the ground) Hey! The sooner we get to 
                         DuLoc the better.
                                     DONKEY
                         You're gonna love it there, Princess. 
                         It's beautiful!
                                     FIONA
                         And what of my groom-to-be? Lord Farquaad? 
                         What's he like?
                                     SHREK
                         Let me put it this way, Princess. Men 
                         of Farquaad's stature are in short supply. 
                         (he and Donkey laugh)
               Shrek then proceeds to splash water onto his face to wash off 
               the dust and grime.
                                     DONKEY
                         I don't know. There are those who think 
                         little of him. (they laugh again) Fiona: 
                         Stop it. Stop it, both of you. You're 
                         just jealous you can never measure up 
                         to a great ruler like Lord Farquaad.
                                     SHREK
                         Yeah, well, maybe you're right, Princess. 
                         But I'll let you do the "measuring" 
                         when you see him tomorrow.
                                     FIONA
                         (looks at the setting sun) Tomorrow? 
                         It'll take that long? Shouldn't we stop 
                         to make camp?
                                     SHREK
                         No, that'll take longer. We can keep 
                         going.
                                     FIONA
                         But there's robbers in the woods.

                                     DONKEY
                         Whoa! Time out, Shrek! Camp is starting 
                         to sound good.
                                     SHREK
                         Hey, come on. I'm scarier than anything 
                         we're going to see in this forest.
                                     FIONA
                         I need to find somewhere to camp now!
               Both Donkey and Shrek's ears lower as they shrink away from her.
               MOUNTAIN CLIFF

               Shrek has found a cave that appears to be in good order. He shoves 
               a stone boulder out of the way to reveal the cave.
                                     SHREK
                         Hey! Over here.

                                     DONKEY
                         Shrek, we can do better than that. I 
                         don't think this is fit for a princess.
                                     FIONA
                         No, no, it's perfect. It just needs 
                         a few homey touches.
                                     SHREK
                         Homey touches? Like what? (he hears 
                         a tearing noise and looks over at Fiona 
                         who has torn the bark off of a tree.)
                                     FIONA
                         A door? Well, gentlemen, I bid thee 
                         good night. (goes into the cave and 
                         puts the bark door up behind her)
                                     DONKEY
                         You want me to read you a bedtime story? 
                         I will.
                                     FIONA
                         (os) I said good night!

               Shrek looks at Donkey for a second and then goes to move the 
               boulder back in front of the entrance to the cave with Fiona 
               still inside.
                                     DONKEY
                         Shrek, What are you doing?

                                     SHREK
                         (laughs) I just- - You know - - Oh, 
                         come on. I was just kidding.
               LATER THAT NIGHT

               Shrek and Donkey are sitting around a campfire. They are staring 
               up into the sky as Shrek points out certain star constellations 
               to Donkey.
                                     SHREK
                         And, uh, that one, that's Throwback, 
                         the only ogre to ever spit over three 
                         wheat fields.
                                     DONKEY
                         Right. Yeah. Hey, can you tell my future 
                         from these stars?
                                     SHREK
                         The stars don't tell the future, Donkey. 
                         They tell stories. Look, there's Bloodnut, 
                         the Flatulent. You can guess what he's 
                         famous for.
                                     DONKEY
                         I know you're making this up.

                                     SHREK
                         No, look. There he is, and there's the 
                         group of hunters running away from his 
                         stench.
                                     DONKEY
                         That ain't nothin' but a bunch of little 
                         dots.
                                     SHREK
                         You know, Donkey, sometimes things are 
                         more than they appear. Hmm? Forget it.
                                     DONKEY
                         (heaves a big sigh) Hey, Shrek, what 
                         we gonna do when we get our swamp anyway?
                                     SHREK
                         Our swamp?

                                     DONKEY
                         You know, when we're through rescuing 
                         the princess.
                                     SHREK
                         We? Donkey, there's no "we". There's 
                         no "our". There's just me and my swamp. 
                         The first thing I'm gonna do is build 
                         a ten-foot wall around my land.
                                     DONKEY
                         You cut me deep, Shrek. You cut me real 
                         deep just now. You know what I think? 
                         I think this whole wall thing is just 
                         a way to keep somebody out.
                                     SHREK
                         No, do ya think?

                                     DONKEY
                         Are you hidin' something?

                                     SHREK
                         Never mind, Donkey.

                                     DONKEY
                         Oh, this is another one of those onion 
                         things, isn't it?
                                     SHREK
                         No, this is one of those drop-it and 
                         leave-it alone things.
                                     DONKEY
                         Why don't you want to talk about it?
                                     SHREK
                         Why do you want to talk about it?

                                     DONKEY
                         Why are you blocking?

                                     SHREK
                         I'm not blocking.

                                     DONKEY
                         Oh, yes, you are.

                                     SHREK
                         Donkey, I'm warning you.

                                     DONKEY
                         Who you trying to keep out?

                                     SHREK
                         Everyone! Okay?

                                     DONKEY
                         (pause) Oh, now we're gettin' somewhere. 
                         (grins)
               At this point Fiona pulls the 'door' away from the entrance to 
               the cave and peaks out. Neither of the guys see her.
                                     SHREK
                         Oh! For the love of Pete! (gets up and 
                         walks over to the edge of the cliff 
                         and sits down)
                                     DONKEY
                         What's your problem? What you got against 
                         the whole world anyway?
                                     SHREK
                         Look, I'm not the one with the problem, 
                         okay? It's the world that seems to have 
                         a problem with me. People take one look 
                         at me and go. "Aah! Help! Run! A big, 
                         stupid, ugly ogre!" They judge me before 
                         they even know me. That's why I'm better 
                         off alone.
                                     DONKEY
                         You know what? When we met, I didn't 
                         think you was just a big, stupid, ugly 
                         ogre.
                                     SHREK
                         Yeah, I know.

                                     DONKEY
                         So, uh, are there any donkeys up there?
                                     SHREK
                         Well, there's, um, Gabby, the Small 
                         and Annoying.
                                     DONKEY
                         Okay, okay, I see it now. The big shiny 
                         one, right there. That one there?
               Fiona puts the door back.

                                     SHREK
                         That's the moon.

                                     DONKEY
                         Oh, okay.

               DuLoc - Farquaad's Bedroom

               The camera pans over a lot of wedding stuff. Soft music plays 
               in the background. Farquaad is in bed, watching as the Magic 
               Mirror shows him Princess Fiona.
                                     FARQUAAD
                         Again, show me again. Mirror, mirror, 
                         show her to me. Show me the princess.
                                     MIRROR
                         Hmph.

               The Mirror rewinds and begins to play again from the beginning.
                                     FARQUAAD
                         Ah. Perfect.

               Farquaad looks down at his bare chest and pulls the sheet up 
               to cover himself as though Fiona could see him as he gazes sheepishly 
               at her image in the mirror.
               MORNING

               Fiona walks out of the cave. She glances at Shrek and Donkey 
               who are still sleeping. She wanders off into the woods and comes 
               across a blue bird. She begins to sing. The bird sings along 
               with her. She hits higher and higher notes and the bird struggles 
               to keep up with her. Suddenly the pressure of the note is too 
               big and the bird explodes. Fiona looks a little sheepish, but 
               she eyes the eggs that the bird left behind. Time lapse, Fiona 
               is now cooking the eggs for breakfast. Shrek and Donkey are still 
               sleeping. Shrek wakes up and looks at Fiona. Donkey's talking 
               in his sleep.
                                     DONKEY
                         (quietly) Mmm, yeah, you know I like 
                         it like that. Come on, baby. I said 
                         I like it.
                                     SHREK
                         Donkey, wake up. (shakes him)

                                     DONKEY
                         Huh? What?

                                     SHREK
                         Wake up.

                                     DONKEY
                         What? (stretches and yawns)

                                     FIONA
                         Good morning. Hm, how do you like your 
                         eggs?
                                     DONKEY
                         Oh, good morning, Princess!

               Fiona gets up and sets the eggs down in front of them.

                                     SHREK
                         What's all this about?

                                     FIONA
                         You know, we kind of got off to a bad 
                         start yesterday. I wanted to make it 
                         up to you. I mean, after all, you did 
                         rescue me.
                                     SHREK
                         Uh, thanks.

               Donkey sniffs the eggs and licks his lips.

                                     FIONA
                         Well, eat up. We've got a big day ahead 
                         of us. (walks off)
               LATER

               They are once again on their way. They are walking through the 
               forest. Shrek belches.
                                     DONKEY
                         Shrek!

                                     SHREK
                         What? It's a compliment. Better out 
                         than in, I always say. (laughs)
                                     DONKEY
                         Well, it's no way to behave in front 
                         of a princess.
               Fiona belches

                                     FIONA
                         Thanks.

                                     DONKEY
                         She's as nasty as you are.

                                     SHREK
                         (chuckles) You know, you're not exactly 
                         what I expected.
                                     FIONA
                         Well, maybe you shouldn't judge people 
                         before you get to know them.
               She smiles and then continues walking, singing softly. Suddenly 
               from out of nowhere, a man swings down and swoops Fiona up into 
               a tree.
                                     ROBIN HOOD
                         La liberte! Hey!

                                     SHREK
                         Princess!

                                     FIONA
                         (to Robin Hood) What are you doing?
                                     ROBIN HOOD
                         Be still, mon cherie, for I am you savior! 
                         And I am rescuing you from this green...(kisses 
                         up her arm while Fiona pulls back in 
                         disgust)...beast.
                                     SHREK
                         Hey! That's my princess! Go find you 
                         own!
                                     ROBIN HOOD
                         Please, monster! Can't you see I'm a 
                         little busy here?
                                     FIONA
                         (getting fed up) Look, pal, I don't 
                         know who you think you are!
                                     ROBIN HOOD
                         Oh! Of course! Oh, how rude. Please 
                         let me introduce myself. Oh, Merry Men. 
                         (laughs)
               Suddenly an accordion begins to play and the Merry men pop out 
               from the bushes. They begin to sing Robin's theme song.
                                     MERRY MEN
                         Ta, dah, dah, dah, whoo.

                                     ROBIN HOOD
                         I steal from the rich and give to the 
                         needy.
                                     MERRY MEN
                         He takes a wee percentage,

                                     ROBIN HOOD
                         But I'm not greedy. I rescue pretty 
                         damsels, man, I'm good.
                                     MERRY MEN
                         What a guy, Monsieur Hood.

                                     ROBIN HOOD
                         Break it down. I like an honest fight 
                         and a saucy little maid...
                                     MERRY MEN
                         What he's basically saying is he likes 
                         to get...
                                     ROBIN HOOD
                         Paid. So...When an ogre in the bush 
                         grabs a lady by the tush. That's bad.
                                     MERRY MEN
                         That's bad.

                                     ROBIN HOOD
                         When a beauty's with a beast it makes 
                         me awfully mad.
                                     MERRY MEN
                         He's mad, he's really, really mad.
                                     ROBIN HOOD
                         I'll take my blade and ram it through 
                         your heart, keep your eyes on me, boys 
                         'cause I'm about to start...
               There is a grunt as Fiona swings down from the tree limb and 
               knocks Robin Hood unconscious.
                                     FIONA
                         Man, that was annoying!

               Shrek looks at her in admiration.

                                     MERRY MAN
                         Oh, you little- - (shoots an arrow at 
                         Fiona but she ducks out of the way)
               The arrow flies toward Donkey who jumps into Shrek's arms to 
               get out of the way. The arrow proceeds to just bounce off a tree.
               Another fight sequence begins and Fiona gives a karate yell and 
               then proceeds to beat the crap out of the Merry Men. There is 
               a very interesting 'Matrix' moment here when Fiona pauses in 
               mid-air to fix her hair. Finally all of the Merry Men are down, 
               and Fiona begins walking away.
                                     FIONA
                         Uh, shall we?

                                     SHREK
                         Hold the phone. (drops Donkey and begins 
                         walking after Fiona) Oh! Whoa, whoa, 
                         whoa. Hold on now. Where did that come 
                         from?
                                     FIONA
                         What?

                                     SHREK
                         That! Back there. That was amazing! 
                         Where did you learn that?
                                     FIONA
                         Well...(laughs) when one lives alone, 
                         uh, one has to learn these things in 
                         case there's a...(gasps and points) 
                         there's an arrow in your butt!
                                     SHREK
                         What? (turns and looks) Oh, would you 
                         look at that? (he goes to pull it out 
                         but flinches because it's tender)
                                     FIONA
                         Oh, no. This is all my fault. I'm so 
                         sorry.
                                     DONKEY
                         (walking up) Why? What's wrong?

                                     FIONA
                         Shrek's hurt.

                                     DONKEY
                         Shrek's hurt. Shrek's hurt? Oh, no, 
                         Shrek's gonna die.
                                     SHREK
                         Donkey, I'm okay.

                                     DONKEY
                         You can't do this to me, Shrek. I'm 
                         too young for you to die. Keep you legs 
                         elevated. Turn your head and cough. 
                         Does anyone know the Heimlich?
                                     FIONA
                         Donkey! Calm down. If you want to help 
                         Shrek, run into the woods and find me 
                         a blue flower with red thorns.
                                     DONKEY
                         Blue flower, red thorns. Okay, I'm on 
                         it. Blue flower, red thorns. Don't die 
                         Shrek. If you see a long tunnel, stay 
                         away from the light!
                                     SHREK & FIONA
                         Donkey!

                                     DONKEY
                         Oh, yeah. Right. Blue flower, red thorns. 
                         (runs off)
                                     SHREK
                         What are the flowers for?

                                     FIONA
                         (like it's obvious) For getting rid 
                         of Donkey.
                                     SHREK
                         Ah.

                                     FIONA
                         Now you hold still, and I'll yank this 
                         thing out. (gives the arrow a little 
                         pull)
                                     SHREK
                         (jumps away) Ow! Hey! Easy with the 
                         yankin'.
               As they continue to talk Fiona keeps going after the arrow and 
               Shrek keeps dodging her hands.
                                     FIONA
                         I'm sorry, but it has to come out.
                                     SHREK
                         No, it's tender.

                                     FIONA
                         Now, hold on.

                                     SHREK
                         What you're doing is the opposite of 
                         help.
                                     FIONA
                         Don't move.

                                     SHREK
                         Look, time out.

                                     FIONA
                         Would you...(grunts as Shrek puts his 
                         hand over her face to stop her from 
                         getting at the arrow) Okay. What do 
                         you propose we do?
               ELSEWHERE

               Donkey is still looking for the special flower.

                                     DONKEY
                         Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, 
                         red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. 
                         This would be so much easier if I wasn't 
                         color-blind! Blue flower, red thorns.
                                     SHREK
                         (os) Ow!

                                     DONKEY
                         Hold on, Shrek! I'm comin'! (rips a 
                         flower off a nearby bush that just happens 
                         to be a blue flower with red thorns)
               THE FOREST PATH
                                     SHREK
                         Ow! Not good.

                                     FIONA
                         Okay. Okay. I can nearly see the head. 
                         (Shrek grunts as she pulls) It's just 
                         about...
                                     SHREK
                         Ow! Ohh! (he jerks and manages to fall 
                         over with Fiona on top of him)
                                     DONKEY
                         Ahem.

                                     SHREK
                         (throwing Fiona off of him) Nothing 
                         happend. We were just, uh - -
                                     DONKEY
                         Look, if you wanted to be alone, all 
                         you had to do was ask. Okay?
                                     SHREK
                         Oh, come on! That's the last thing on 
                         my mind. The princess here was just- 
                         - (Fiona pulls the arrow out) Ugh! (he 
                         turns to look at Fiona who holds up 
                         the arrow with a smile) Ow!
                                     DONKEY
                         Hey, what's that? (nervous chuckle) 
                         That's...is that blood?
               Donkey faints. Shrek walks over and picks him up as they continue 
               on their way.
               There is a montage of scenes as the group heads back to DuLoc. 
               Shrek crawling up to the top of a tree to make it fall over a 
               small brook so that Fiona won't get wet. Shrek then gets up as 
               Donkey is just about to cross the tree and the tree swings back 
               into it's upright position and Donkey flies off. Shrek swatting 
               and a bunch of flies and mosquitoes. Fiona grabs a nearby spiderweb 
               that's on a tree branch and runs through the field swinging it 
               around to catch the bugs. She then hands it to Shrek who begins 
               eating like it's a treat. As he walks off she licks her fingers. 
               Shrek catching a toad and blowing it up like a balloon and presenting 
               it to Fiona. Fiona catching a snake, blowing it up, fashioning 
               it into a balloon animal and presenting it to Shrek. The group 
               arriving at a windmill that is near DuLoc.
               WINDMILL
                                     SHREK
                         There it is, Princess. Your future awaits 
                         you.
                                     FIONA
                         That's DuLoc?

                                     DONKEY
                         Yeah, I know. You know, Shrek thinks 
                         Lord Farquaad's compensating for something, 
                         which I think means he has a really...(Shrek 
                         steps on his hoof) Ow!
                                     SHREK
                         Um, I, uh- - I guess we better move 
                         on.
                                     FIONA
                         Sure. But, Shrek? I'm - - I'm worried 
                         about Donkey.
                                     SHREK
                         What?

                                     FIONA
                         I mean, look at him. He doesn't look 
                         so good.
                                     DONKEY
                         What are you talking about? I'm fine.
                                     FIONA
                         (kneels to look him in the eyes) That's 
                         what they always say, and then next 
                         thing you know, you're on your back. 
                         (pause) Dead.
                                     SHREK
                         You know, she's right. You look awful. 
                         Do you want to sit down?
                                     FIONA
                         Uh, you know, I'll make you some tea.
                                     DONKEY
                         I didn't want to say nothin', but I 
                         got this twinge in my neck, and when 
                         I turn my head like this, look, (turns 
                         his neck in a very sharp way until his 
                         head is completely sideways) Ow! See?
                                     SHREK
                         Who's hungry? I'll find us some dinner.
                                     FIONA
                         I'll get the firewood.

                                     DONKEY
                         Hey, where you goin'? Oh, man, I can't 
                         feel my toes! (looks down and yelps) 
                         I don't have any toes! I think I need 
                         a hug.
               SUNSET

               Shrek has built a fire and is cooking the rest of dinner while 
               Fiona eats.
                                     FIONA
                         Mmm. This is good. This is really good. 
                         What is this?
                                     SHREK
                         Uh, weed rat. Rotisserie style.

                                     FIONA
                         No kidding. Well, this is delicious.
                                     SHREK
                         Well, they're also great in stews. Now, 
                         I don't mean to brag, but I make a mean 
                         weed rat stew. (chuckles)
               Fiona looks at DuLoc and sighs.

                                     FIONA
                         I guess I'll be dining a little differently 
                         tomorrow night.
                                     SHREK
                         Maybe you can come visit me in the swamp 
                         sometime. I'll cook all kind of stuff 
                         for you. Swamp toad soup, fish eye tartare 
                         - - you name it.
                                     FIONA
                         (smiles) I'd like that.

               They smiles at each other.

                                     SHREK
                         Um, Princess?

                                     FIONA
                         Yes, Shrek?

                                     SHREK
                         I, um, I was wondering...are you...(sighs) 
                         Are you gonna eat that?
                                     DONKEY
                         (chuckles) Man, isn't this romantic? 
                         Just look at that sunset.
                                     FIONA
                         (jumps up) Sunset? Oh, no! I mean, it's 
                         late. I-It's very late.
                                     SHREK
                         What?

                                     DONKEY
                         Wait a minute. I see what's goin' on 
                         here. You're afraid of the dark, aren't 
                         you?
                                     FIONA
                         Yes! Yes, that's it. I'm terrified. 
                         You know, I'd better go inside.
                                     DONKEY
                         Don't feel bad, Princess. I used to 
                         be afraid of the dark, too, until - 
                         - Hey, no, wait. I'm still afraid of 
                         the dark.
               Shrek sighs

                                     FIONA
                         Good night.

                                     SHREK
                         Good night.

               Fiona goes inside the windmill and closes the door. Donkey looks 
               at Shrek with a new eye.
                                     DONKEY
                         Ohh! Now I really see what's goin' on 
                         here.
                                     SHREK
                         Oh, what are you talkin' about?

                                     DONKEY
                         I don't even wanna hear it. Look, I'm 
                         an animal, and I got instincts. And 
                         I know you two were diggin' on each 
                         other. I could feel it.
                                     SHREK
                         You're crazy. I'm just bringing her 
                         back to Farquaad.
                                     DONKEY
                         Oh, come on, Shrek. Wake up and smell 
                         the pheromones. Just go on in and tell 
                         her how you feel.
                                     SHREK
                         I- - There's nothing to tell. Besides, 
                         even if I did tell her that, well, you 
                         know - - and I'm not sayin' I do 'cause 
                         I don't - - she's a princess, and I'm 
                         - -
                                     DONKEY
                         An ogre?

                                     SHREK
                         Yeah. An ogre.

                                     DONKEY
                         Hey, where you goin'?

                                     SHREK
                         To get... move firewood. (sighs)

               Donkey looks over at the large pile of firewood there already 
               is.
               TIME LAPSE

               Donkey opens the door to the Windmill and walks in. Fiona is 
               nowhere to be seen.
                                     DONKEY
                         Princess? Princess Fiona? Princess, 
                         where are you? Princess?
               Fiona looks at Donkey from the shadows, but we can't see her.
                                     DONKEY
                         It's very spooky in here. I ain't playing 
                         no games.
               Suddenly Fiona falls from the railing. She gets up only she doesn't 
               look like herself. She looks like an ogre and Donkey starts freaking 
               out.
                                     DONKEY
                         Aah!

                                     FIONA
                         Oh, no!

                                     DONKEY
                         No, help!

                                     FIONA
                         Shh!

                                     DONKEY
                         Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!

                                     FIONA
                         No, it's okay. It's okay.

                                     DONKEY
                         What did you do with the princess?
                                     FIONA
                         Donkey, I'm the princess.

                                     DONKEY
                         Aah!

                                     FIONA
                         It's me, in this body.

                                     DONKEY
                         Oh, my God! You ate the princess. (to 
                         her stomach) Can you hear me?
                                     FIONA
                         Donkey!

                                     DONKEY
                         (still aimed at her stomach) Listen, 
                         keep breathing! I'll get you out of 
                         there!
                                     FIONA
                         No!

                                     DONKEY
                         Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!

                                     FIONA
                         Shh.

                                     DONKEY
                         Shrek!

                                     FIONA
                         This is me.

               Donkey looks into her eyes as she pets his muzzle, and he quiets 
               down.
                                     DONKEY
                         Princess? What happened to you? You're, 
                         uh, uh, uh, different.
                                     FIONA
                         I'm ugly, okay?

                                     DONKEY
                         Well, yeah! Was it something you ate? 
                         'Cause I told Shrek those rats was a 
                         bad idea. You are what you eat, I said. 
                         Now - -
                                     FIONA
                         No. I - - I've been this way as long 
                         as I can remember.
                                     DONKEY
                         What do you mean? Look, I ain't never 
                         seen you like this before.
                                     FIONA
                         It only happens when sun goes down. 
                         "By night one way, by day another. This 
                         shall be the norm... until you find 
                         true love's first kiss... and then take 
                         love's true form."
                                     DONKEY
                         Ah, that's beautiful. I didn't know 
                         you wrote poetry.
                                     FIONA
                         It's a spell. (sigh) When I was a little 
                         girl, a witch cast a spell on me. Every 
                         night I become this. This horrible, 
                         ugly beast! I was placed in a tower 
                         to await the day my true love would 
                         rescue me. That's why I have to marry 
                         Lord Farquaad tomorrow before the sun 
                         sets and he sees me like this. (begins 
                         to cry)
                                     DONKEY
                         All right, all right. Calm down. Look, 
                         it's not that bad. You're not that ugly. 
                         Well, I ain't gonna lie. You are ugly. 
                         But you only look like this at night. 
                         Shrek's ugly 24-7.
                                     FIONA
                         But Donkey, I'm a princess, and this 
                         is not how a princess is meant to look.
                                     DONKEY
                         Princess, how 'bout if you don't marry 
                         Farquaad?
                                     FIONA
                         I have to. Only my true love's kiss 
                         can break the spell.
                                     DONKEY
                         But, you know, um, you're kind of an 
                         orge, and Shrek - - well, you got a 
                         lot in common.
                                     FIONA
                         Shrek?

               OUTSIDE

               Shrek is walking towards the windmill with a sunflower in his 
               hand.
                                     SHREK
                         (to himself) Princess, I - - Uh, how's 
                         it going, first of all? Good? Um, good 
                         for me too. I'm okay. I saw this flower 
                         and thought of you because it's pretty 
                         and - - well, I don't really like it, 
                         but I thought you might like it 'cause 
                         you're pretty. But I like you anyway. 
                         I'd - - uh, uh...(sighs) I'm in trouble. 
                         Okay, here we go.
               He walks up to the door and pauses outside when he hears Donkey 
               and Fiona talking.
                                     FIONA
                         (os) I can't just marry whoever I want. 
                         Take a good look at me, Donkey. I mean, 
                         really, who can ever love a beast so 
                         hideous and ugly? "Princess" and "ugly" 
                         don't go together. That's why I can't 
                         stay here with Shrek.
               Shrek steps back in shock.

                                     FIONA
                         (os) My only chance to live happily 
                         ever after is to marry my true love.
               Shrek heaves a deep sigh. He throws the flower down and walks 
               away.
               INSIDE
                                     FIONA
                         Don't you see, Donkey? That's just how 
                         it has to be. It's the only way to break 
                         the spell.
                                     DONKEY
                         You at least gotta tell Shrek the truth.
                                     FIONA
                         No! You can't breathe a word. No one 
                         must ever know.
                                     DONKEY
                         What's the point of being able to talk 
                         if you gotta keep secrets?
                                     FIONA
                         Promise you won't tell. Promise!

                                     DONKEY
                         All right, all right. I won't tell him. 
                         But you should. (goes outside) I just 
                         know before this is over, I'm gonna 
                         need a whole lot of serious therapy. 
                         Look at my eye twitchin'.
               Fiona comes out the door and watches him walk away. She looks 
               down and spots the sunflower. She picks it up before going back 
               inside the windmill.
               MORNING

               Donkey is asleep. Shrek is nowhere to be seen. Fiona is still 
               awake. She is plucking petals from the sunflower.
                                     FIONA
                         I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him, 
                         I tell him not. I tell him. (she quickly 
                         runs to the door and goes outside) Shrek! 
                         Shrek, there's something I want...(she 
                         looks and sees the rising sun, and as 
                         the sun crests the sky she turns back 
                         into a human.)
               Just as she looks back at the sun she sees Shrek stomping towards 
               her.
                                     FIONA
                         Shrek. Are you all right?

                                     SHREK
                         Perfect! Never been better.

                                     FIONA
                         I - - I don't - - There's something 
                         I have to tell you.
                                     SHREK
                         You don't have to tell me anything, 
                         Princess. I heard enough last night.
                                     FIONA
                         You heard what I said?

                                     SHREK
                         Every word.

                                     FIONA
                         I thought you'd understand.

                                     SHREK
                         Oh, I understand. Like you said, "Who 
                         could love a hideous, ugly beast?"
                                     FIONA
                         But I thought that wouldn't matter to 
                         you.
                                     SHREK
                         Yeah? Well, it does. (Fiona looks at 
                         him in shock. He looks past her and 
                         spots a group approaching.) Ah, right 
                         on time. Princess, I've brought you 
                         a little something.
               Farquaad has arrived with a group of his men. He looks very regal 
               sitting up on his horse. You would never guess that he's only 
               like 3 feet tall. Donkey wakes up with a yawn as the soldiers 
               march by.
                                     DONKEY
                         What'd I miss? What'd I miss? (spots 
                         the soldiers) (muffled) Who said that? 
                         Couldn't have been the donkey.
                                     FARQUAAD
                         Princess Fiona.

                                     SHREK
                         As promised. Now hand it over.

                                     FARQUAAD
                         Very well, ogre. (holds out a piece 
                         of paper) The deed to your swamp, cleared 
                         out, as agreed. Take it and go before 
                         I change my mind. (Shrek takes the paper) 
                         Forgive me, Princess, for startling 
                         you, but you startled me, for I have 
                         never seen such a radiant beauty before. 
                         I'm Lord Farquaad.
                                     FIONA
                         Lord Farquaad? Oh, no, no. (Farquaad 
                         snaps his fingers) Forgive me, my lord, 
                         for I was just saying a short... (Watches 
                         as Farquaad is lifted off his horse 
                         and set down in front of her. He comes 
                         to her waist.) farewell.
                                     FARQUAAD
                         Oh, that is so sweet. You don't have 
                         to waste good manners on the ogre. It's 
                         not like it has feelings.
                                     FIONA
                         No, you're right. It doesn't.

               Donkey watches this exchange with a curious look on his face.
                                     FARQUAAD
                         Princess Fiona, beautiful, fair, flawless 
                         Fiona. I ask your hand in marriage. 
                         Will you be the perfect bride for the 
                         perfect groom?
                                     FIONA
                         Lord Farquaad, I accept. Nothing would 
                         make - -
                                     FARQUAAD
                         (interrupting) Excellent! I'll start 
                         the plans, for tomorrow we wed!
                                     FIONA
                         No! I mean, uh, why wait? Let's get 
                         married today before the sun sets.
                                     FARQUAAD
                         Oh, anxious, are you? You're right. 
                         The sooner, the better. There's so much 
                         to do! There's the caterer, the cake, 
                         the band, the guest list. Captain, round 
                         up some guests! (a guard puts Fiona 
                         on the back of his horse)
                                     FIONA
                         Fare-thee-well, ogre.

               Farquaad's whole party begins to head back to DuLoc. Donkey watches 
               them go.
                                     DONKEY
                         Shrek, what are you doing? You're letting 
                         her get away.
                                     SHREK
                         Yeah? So what?

                                     DONKEY
                         Shrek, there's something about her you 
                         don't know. Look, I talked to her last 
                         night, She's - -
                                     SHREK
                         I know you talked to her last night. 
                         You're great pals, aren't ya? Now, if 
                         you two are such good friends, why don't 
                         you follow her home?
                                     DONKEY
                         Shrek, I - - I wanna go with you.

                                     SHREK
                         I told you, didn't I? You're not coming 
                         home with me. I live alone! My swamp! 
                         Me! Nobody else! Understand? Nobody! 
                         Especially useless, pathetic, annoying, 
                         talking donkeys!
                                     DONKEY
                         But I thought - -

                                     SHREK
                         Yeah. You know what? You thought wrong! 
                         (stomps off)
                                     DONKEY
                         Shrek.

               Montage of different scenes. Shrek arriving back home. Fiona 
               being fitted for the wedding dress. Donkey at a stream running 
               into the dragon. Shrek cleaning up his house. Fiona eating dinner 
               alone. Shrek eating dinner alone.
               SHREK'S HOME

               Shrek is eating dinner when he hears a sound outside. He goes 
               outside to investigate.
                                     SHREK
                         Donkey? (Donkey ignores him and continues 
                         with what he's doing.) What are you 
                         doing?
                                     DONKEY
                         I would think, of all people, you would 
                         recognize a wall when you see one.
                                     SHREK
                         Well, yeah. But the wall's supposed 
                         to go around my swamp, not through it.
                                     DONKEY
                         It is around your half. See that's your 
                         half, and this is my half.
                                     SHREK
                         Oh! Your half. Hmm.

                                     DONKEY
                         Yes, my half. I helped rescue the princess. 
                         I did half the work. I get half the 
                         booty. Now hand me that big old rock, 
                         the one that looks like your head.
                                     SHREK
                         Back off!

                                     DONKEY
                         No, you back off.

                                     SHREK
                         This is my swamp!

                                     DONKEY
                         Our swamp.

                                     SHREK
                         (grabs the tree branch Donkey is working 
                         with) Let go, Donkey!
                                     DONKEY
                         You let go.

                                     SHREK
                         Stubborn jackass!

                                     DONKEY
                         Smelly ogre.

                                     SHREK
                         Fine! (drops the tree branch and walks 
                         away)
                                     DONKEY
                         Hey, hey, come back here. I'm not through 
                         with you yet.
                                     SHREK
                         Well, I'm through with you.

                                     DONKEY
                         Uh-uh. You know, with you it's always, 
                         "Me, me, me!" Well, guess what! Now 
                         it's my turn! So you just shut up and 
                         pay attention! You are mean to me. You 
                         insult me and you don't appreciate anything 
                         that I do! You're always pushing me 
                         around or pushing me away.
                                     SHREK
                         Oh, yeah? Well, if I treated you so 
                         bad, how come you came back?
                                     DONKEY
                         Because that's what friends do! They 
                         forgive each other!
                                     SHREK
                         Oh, yeah. You're right, Donkey. I forgive 
                         you... for stabbin' me in the back! 
                         (goes into the outhouse and slams the 
                         door)
                                     DONKEY
                         Ohh! You're so wrapped up in layers, 
                         onion boy, you're afraid of your own 
                         feelings.
                                     SHREK
                         (os) Go away!

                                     DONKEY
                         There you are , doing it again just 
                         like you did to Fiona. All she ever 
                         do was like you, maybe even love you.
                                     SHREK
                         (os) Love me? She said I was ugly, a 
                         hideous creature. I heard the two of 
                         you talking.
                                     DONKEY
                         She wasn't talkin' about you. She was 
                         talkin' about, uh, somebody else.
                                     SHREK
                         (opens the door and comes out) She wasn't 
                         talking about me? Well, then who was 
                         she talking about?
                                     DONKEY
                         Uh-uh, no way. I ain't saying anything. 
                         You don't wanna listen to me. Right? 
                         Right?
                                     SHREK
                         Donkey!

                                     DONKEY
                         No!

                                     SHREK
                         Okay, look. I'm sorry, all right? (sigh) 
                         I'm sorry. I guess I am just a big, 
                         stupid, ugly ogre. Can you forgive me?
                                     DONKEY
                         Hey, that's what friends are for, right?
                                     SHREK
                         Right. Friends?

                                     DONKEY
                         Friends.

                                     SHREK
                         So, um, what did Fiona say about me?
                                     DONKEY
                         What are you asking me for? Why don't 
                         you just go ask her?
                                     SHREK
                         The wedding! We'll never make it in 
                         time.
                                     DONKEY
                         Ha-ha-ha! Never fear, for where, there's 
                         a will, there's a way and I have a way. 
                         (whistles)
               Suddenly the dragon arrives overhead and flies low enough so 
               they can climb on.
                                     SHREK
                         Donkey?

                                     DONKEY
                         I guess it's just my animal magnetism.
               They both laugh.

                                     SHREK
                         Aw, come here, you. (gives Donkey a 
                         noogie)
                                     DONKEY
                         All right, all right. Don't get all 
                         slobbery. No one likes a kiss ass. All 
                         right, hop on and hold on tight. I haven't 
                         had a chance to install the seat belts 
                         yet.
               They climb aboard the dragon and she takes off for DuLoc.

               DULOC - CHURCH

               Fiona and Farquaad are getting married. The whole town is there. 
               The prompter card guy holds up a card that says 'Revered Silence'.
                                     PRIEST
                         People of DuLoc, we gather here today 
                         to bear witness to the union....
                                     FIONA
                         (eyeing the setting sun) Um-

                                     PRIEST
                         ...of our new king...

                                     FIONA
                         Excuse me. Could we just skip ahead 
                         to the "I do's"?
                                     FARQUAAD
                         (chuckles and then motions to the priest 
                         to indulge Fiona) Go on.
               COURTYARD

               Some guards are milling around. Suddenly the dragon lands with 
               a boom. The guards all take off running.
                                     DONKEY
                         (to Dragon) Go ahead, HAVE SOME FUN. 
                         If we need you, I'll whistle. How about 
                         that? (she nods and goes after the guards) 
                         Shrek, wait, wait! Wait a minute! You 
                         wanna do this right, don't you?
                                     SHREK
                         (at the Church door) What are you talking 
                         about?
                                     DONKEY
                         There's a line you gotta wait for. The 
                         preacher's gonna say, "Speak now or 
                         forever hold your peace." That's when 
                         you say, "I object!"
                                     SHREK
                         I don't have time for this!

                                     DONKEY
                         Hey, wait. What are you doing? Listen 
                         to me! Look, you love this woman, don't 
                         you?
                                     SHREK
                         Yes.

                                     DONKEY
                         You wanna hold her?

                                     SHREK
                         Yes.

                                     DONKEY
                         Please her?

                                     SHREK
                         Yes!

                                     DONKEY
                         (singing James Brown style) Then you 
                         got to, got to try a little tenderness. 
                         (normal) The chicks love that romantic 
                         crap!
                                     SHREK
                         All right! Cut it out. When does this 
                         guy say the line?
                                     DONKEY
                         We gotta check it out.

               INSIDE CHURCH

               As the priest talks we see Donkey's shadow through one of the 
               windows Shrek tosses him up so he can see.
                                     PRIEST
                         And so, by the power vested in me...
               Outside

                                     SHREK
                         What do you see?

                                     DONKEY
                         The whole town's in there.

               Inside

                                     PRIEST
                         I now pronounce you husband and wife...
               Outside

                                     DONKEY
                         They're at the altar.

               Inside

                                     PRIEST
                         ...king and queen.

               Outside

                                     DONKEY
                         Mother Fletcher! He already said it.
                                     SHREK
                         Oh, for the love of Pete!

               He runs inside without catching Donkey, who hits the ground hard.
               INSIDE CHURCH
                                     SHREK
                         (running toward the alter) I object!
                                     FIONA
                         Shrek?

               The whole congregation gasps as they see Shrek.

                                     FARQUAAD
                         Oh, now what does he want?

                                     SHREK
                         (to congregation as he reaches the front 
                         of the Church) Hi, everyone. Havin' 
                         a good time, are ya? I love DuLoc, first 
                         of all. Very clean.
                                     FIONA
                         What are you doing here?

                                     SHREK
                         Really, it's rude enough being alive 
                         when no one wants you, but showing up 
                         uninvited to a wedding...
                                     SHREK
                         Fiona! I need to talk to you.

                                     FIONA
                         Oh, now you wanna talk? It's a little 
                         late for that, so if you'll excuse me 
                         - -
                                     SHREK
                         But you can't marry him.

                                     FIONA
                         And why not?

                                     SHREK
                         Because- - Because he's just marring 
                         you so he can be king.
                                     FARQUAAD
                         Outrageous! Fiona, don't listen to him.
                                     SHREK
                         He's not your true love.

                                     FIONA
                         And what do you know about true love?
                                     SHREK
                         Well, I - - Uh - - I mean - -

                                     FARQUAAD
                         Oh, this is precious. The ogee has fallen 
                         in love with the princess! Oh, good 
                         Lord. (laughs)
               The prompter card guy holds up a card that says 'Laugh'. The 
               whole congregation laughs.
                                     FARQUAAD
                         An ogre and a princess!

                                     FIONA
                         Shrek, is this true?

                                     FARQUAAD
                         Who cares? It's preposterous! Fiona, 
                         my love, we're but a kiss away from 
                         our "happily ever after." Now kiss me! 
                         (puckers his lips and leans toward her, 
                         but she pulls back.)
                                     FIONA
                         (looking at the setting sun) "By night 
                         one way, by day another." (to Shrek) 
                         I wanted to show you before.
               She backs up and as the sun sets she changes into her ogre self. 
               She gives Shrek a sheepish smile.
                                     SHREK
                         Well, uh, that explains a lot. (Fiona 
                         smiles)
                                     FARQUAAD
                         Ugh! It's disgusting! Guards! Guards! 
                         I order you to get that out of my sight 
                         now! Get them! Get them both!
               The guards run in and separate Fiona and Shrek. Shrek fights 
               them.
                                     SHREK
                         No, no!

                                     FIONA
                         Shrek!

                                     FARQUAAD
                         This hocus-pocus alters nothing. This 
                         marriage is binding, and that makes 
                         me king! See? See?
                                     FIONA
                         No, let go of me! Shrek!

                                     SHREK
                         No!

                                     FARQUAAD
                         Don't just stand there, you morons.
                                     SHREK
                         Get out of my way! Fiona! Arrgh!

                                     FARQUAAD
                         I'll make you regret the day we met. 
                         I'll see you drawn and quartered! You'll 
                         beg for death to save you!
                                     FIONA
                         No, Shrek!

                                     FARQUAAD
                         (hold a dagger to Fiona's throat) And 
                         as for you, my wife...
                                     SHREK
                         Fiona!

                                     FARQUAAD
                         I'll have you locked back in that tower 
                         for the rest of your days! I'm king!
               Shrek manages to get a hand free and he whistles.

                                     FARQUAAD
                         I will have order! I will have perfection! 
                         I will have - - (Donkey and the dragon 
                         show up and the dragon leans down and 
                         eats Farquaad) Aaaah! Aah!
                                     DONKEY
                         All right. Nobody move. I got a dragon 
                         here, and I'm not afraid to use it. 
                         (The dragon roars.) I'm a donkey on 
                         the edge!
               The dragon belches and Farquaad's crown flies out of her mouth 
               and falls to the ground.
                                     DONKEY
                         Celebrity marriages. They never last, 
                         do they?
               The congregation cheers.

                                     DONKEY
                         Go ahead, Shrek.

                                     SHREK
                         Uh, Fiona?

                                     FIONA
                         Yes, Shrek?

                                     SHREK
                         I - - I love you.

                                     FIONA
                         Really?

                                     SHREK
                         Really, really.

                                     FIONA
                         (smiles) I love you too.

               Shrek and Fiona kiss. Thelonius takes one of the cards and writes 
               'Awwww' on the back and then shows it to the congregation.
                                     CONGREGATION
                         Aawww!

               Suddenly the magic of the spell pulls Fiona away. She's lifted 
               up into the air and she hovers there while the magic works around 
               her.
                                     WHISPERS
                         "Until you find true love's first kiss 
                         and then take love's true form. Take 
                         love's true form. Take love's true form."
               Suddenly Fiona's eyes open wide. She's consumed by the spell 
               and then is slowly lowered to the ground.
                                     SHREK
                         (going over to her) Fiona? Fiona. Are 
                         you all right?
                                     FIONA
                         (standing up, she's still an ogre) Well, 
                         yes. But I don't understand. I'm supposed 
                         to be beautiful.
                                     SHREK
                         But you ARE beautiful.

               They smile at each other.

                                     DONKEY
                         (chuckles) I was hoping this would be 
                         a happy ending.
               Shrek and Fiona kiss...and the kiss fades into...

               THE SWAMP

               ...their wedding kiss. Shrek and Fiona are now married. 'I'm 
               a Believer' by Smashmouth is played in the background. Shrek 
               and Fiona break apart and run through the crowd to their awaiting 
               carriage. Which is made of a giant onion. Fiona tosses her bouquet 
               which both Cinderella and Snow White try to catch. But they end 
               up getting into a cat fight and so the dragon catches the bouquet 
               instead. The Gingerbread man has been mended somewhat and now 
               has one leg and walks with a candy cane cane. Shrek and Fiona 
               walk off as the rest of the guests party and Donkey takes over 
               singing the song.
                                     GINGERBREAD MAN
                         God bless us, every one.

                                     DONKEY
                         (as he's done singing and we fade to 
                         black) Oh, that's funny. Oh. Oh. I can't 
                         breathe. I can't breathe.
               THE END

anonymous asked:

Zutara where Katara and Zuko have to sneak around because Aang still really like Katara, and they don't want him to be distracted for Sozins Comet.

I’m so sorry I’m getting this to you so late. 

Not completely your entire prompt but I’ve had this situation sitting in my mind for the longest time now I just needed an excuse to write it out. I am quite pleased with the product, and I hope you are too.

Katara stares up at the scarlet ceiling of her room in the Ember Island summer house. Her arms are flung over her head, and her blankets are gathered at her feet. Her mind keeps playing back the events that had occurred at dinner that night.

“None of you understand the position I’m in! When you find a way for me to beat the Fire Lord without taking his life I’d love to hear it.”

Katara lets out a groan and flips onto her stomach. With the comet rapidly approaching and with the way Aang had been acting, the idea of getting any sleep at all seems farfetched. The foolish optimism followed by tantrums have her head spinning. The sad looks he gives her as if he knows are nauseating.

The moonlight she is draped in provides minimal comfort. Her thoughts keep drifting between the monk who she hasn’t seen in hours to the banished prince who sleeps a few doors down. Her stomach twists into a painful knot that pushes at the center of her chest. What if he knows?

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