i don't even want to consider what it will take to do the dissertation

oh man, im having so many x6 feelings lately just

some of his lines are just so cute, and make me think. like in one place he says something along the lines of “a great writer lived here. I can not imagine how anyone not a scientist can be considered great”

and at first its just kinda heartbreaking, cause no x6 sweetie anyone can be great, youre great too

but then he makes a lot of these comments where he downright admires the science accomplished at the institute. and sure, most of that will be due to his programming (because what megalomanic slave owner wouldn’t make their manufactured people be in awe of them?) but artificially induced or not his feelings are still real and valid and he’s just so into the sciences i just can’t, like imagine

x6 assisting with some trivial task (prior to becoming a courser maybe). and hes kinda curious and asks a few questions

but the scientists don’t acknowledge his curiousity at all and so after a while he just gives up

but he’s just so interested in everything and some sciences, like the mechanical ones, don’t really take for him but he can’t ever get enough hearing about it

and hes just kinda hovering over the scientists/sole’s shoulder when they do science-y stuff and he doesnt ask anymore but he watches and hes maybe a little wide-eyed and

so at some point when he and sole travel around they kinda mention having learned a lot of stuff at school and about subject no one at the institute knows a lot about, too, so x6 kinda stops and goes ‘woah’ and he doesn’t explicitly ask because its not his place and he really doesnt need to know all of these things

but sole knows by now how to interpret his silences and talks a bit about astronomy and space physics and rocket science, because none of those topics are really feasible to research in an underground complext. and then they mention manned space missions

and that gets x6′s attention because astronauts are scientists, theyre super smart and they’re also strong and tough so they can survive the conditions in space, and he’s strong and okay maybe he doesn’t want to become a full-time scientist (he’s pretty happy being a courser) but these people are both and they’re important and sole’s eyes shine with wonder when they talk about them

and sole gives up a few weeks later because x6′s curiousity is as silent as it is insatiable and sure they learned the basics in school but there’s no way they can tell him the exact launch trajectories or the quantified forces that work on a human body when it is shot into space 

maybe at some point they go out of their way to get to university point/the surface CIT/wherever and find some well preserved books on the topic, and not just for laymen but dissertations and journals and books full of formulas and graphics and things the actual scientists would have worked with

and its like early christmas for x6 because sole doesn’t even understand some of the words in the titles but he does, because after all he’s been created by the Institute, programmed from the start with a sharp mind and so much knowledge

and everytime he has a few minutes to himself he reads through these books, learns about the planets, and gravitational waves and space-time fabric and there might be places outside of earth that could support life 

he knows more about space than anyone at the institute and its a weird feeling, kind of like he did something behind their backs, something he isn’t supposed to do, and he really doesn’t need to know about the composition of saturn’s rings in order to do his job

and its worse now because now when the scientists brush off his questions and suggestions - because damn it he knows a lot about physics and the composition of metals and he just wanted to share - it hurts because he knows he can help, he knows he can keep up with the scientists on their best days

to them he’ll always be just a machine with an assignment who doesn’t need to know anything but the things its been manufactured for

so for the first time in his existence he looks forward to getting to the surface, despite how filled with scum and dirt it is

because up there sole’s waiting for him with another book with 200 year old faded equations scrawled in the margins

and when he looks up he can see the stars and know every one of them

anonymous asked:

been thinking about niall, and narry, and that very first trip to mullingar. I've been thinking about why none of the other boys went, why they didn't take up the invite, especially considering niam were friends during boot camp. Got me thinking about how Niall was probably super super keen to be liked by them all. Whether that put them on edge slightly, you know the feeling you get when maybe someone is trying too hard and you desperately want them to calm down and take it easy, p1

because you know if they chill out slightly you really will like them. But their enthusiasm is a lot to take. Made me think about how everyone says niall is 1d’s biggest fan and wonder whether niall and harry both went into the band with a wide eyed motivation and belief that they would become a band of brothers and take it on together, where the other boys were more reserved in investing themselves 100%. Louis especially who would be simultaneously self-assured in the cocky way 18y/o are and desperately afraid to fail again. Made me think about how the larry/ziam divide would have affected niall from the beginning. Little niall who probably craves attention but has also learnt to just be happy with whatever he’s given because he was a bit of a latchkey kid. But most of all how niall was probably full of excitement at the prospect of this gang he was joining. I was also thinking of how harry was the only one to see niall at home in Ireland before their fame got them. And how whether he will always love harry a bit more than the rest because harry knows the him that existed completely outside of x factor, knows niall in the very first place that formed him minus the fame, where the other boys don’t. Whether they have a special bond because of it, and whether that’s why they seem so happy together doing the Ireland shows, because it’s like being 16 and on the cusp of something together again. I’ve made myself happy and sad at the same time!!

I have been clutching this message to my chest all weekend because there is SO MUCH HERE. 

I’m having particular feelings about this idea that Niall and Harry were the ones who really let themselves get excited in the beginning. The ones who just wanted to be together and bask in the excitement and strangeness of the situation and stay up all night talking about what they wanted to do and the songs they would sing and who they wanted to meet and maybe what they were afraid of too? Like…this sounds so legit, that Harry and Niall were the ones who allowed themselves to be open to the experience and each other, back then in the very beginning. 

–Louis, older and scared to put all his hopes in one basket and allow himself to be vulnerable, Liam who was SO DELIBERATE and cared SO MUCH about making it on his own and who was cautious around other boys because other boys were something to be wary of and to steel yourself against and Zayn who was terrified of the whole thing and nearly incapable of opening up to a bunch of total strangers– 

Niall and Harry were the ones who just wanted to EXPERIENCE the whole thing, and who saw the whole group thing as icing on the cake maybe. I get to do this thing! And I get to share it with other lads! They were the youngest and the most sociable and the most unabashedly stoked, maybe. 

This all feels super crucial because the tables have turned a little bit. Harry and Niall are now the two members who are the best at playing their emotions close to the chest. They both have this way of presenting as warm and charming and friendly, but their engagement is always on their own terms. They’re both so great at maintaining necessary emotional distance. BUT. BUT BUT BUT…

They don’t feel that way when they interact with each other? Harry and Niall interacting, on stage and off, feels so authentic and open and warm and maybe that’s got to do with the way they related way back in the beginning? They each wanted to open up and let it all hang out, and maybe they found a safe space for that in each other. A safe kind of space that still exists between them, hence the particular access they seem to have to each other’s joy. And…i don’t know…maybe each other’s pain too? Niall talked about Zayn leaving bringing them closer. Did Harry and Niall lean on each other? Is Harry the one who got to play emotional midwife to Niall’s feelings and vice versa? Ouch. Yikes. 

I don’t know. I just….narry. I just narry.