i don't even know what this is oh my god

dad and i watch captain america: the winter soldier
  • dad: oh god it's starting shut up i've been waiting for this for months
  • (movie starts)
  • dad: THESE ARE THE BICEPS OF FREEDOM
  • dad: i don't know what's happening but the french guy fighting cap looks like french macklemore
  • me: how do you even know who macklemore is?
  • dad: i'm hip. i'm cool
  • me: don't you do it
  • dad: i'm gonna pop some tags, only got 20 baguettes in my pocket
  • (five minutes later)
  • dad: is that the Falcon? that's totally the Falcon
  • me: how do you know?
  • dad: i used to read the comic books trust me on this i'm an expert. his superpower was that he could talk to birds
  • me: birds?
  • dad: i mean in hindsight it probably wasn't the most useful thing ever
  • dad: if this winter soldier is supposedly a ghost in the machine that nobody's ever seen, and nobody will ever catch, you would think showing up in broad daylight and blowing up cars would not be his modus operandi
  • dad: how the heck did he laser through concrete??
  • me: idk dad it's nick fury he can probably do whatever he wants
  • dad: i'm sorry attractive nurse who just so happens to live next door, my heart belongs to a seventy year russian dude with a bionic arm
  • me: what
  • dad:
  • dad: nick fury isn't dead. justice never dies. he probably has a billion clones in some top secret storage facility, just waiting for their organ harvest.
  • me: ew dad gross no
  • dad: i really relate to that apple store employee
  • me: we all do dad
  • dad: oh that's that guy from the first movie! i remember him! he was my favorite, his eyes were so blue, and he loved steve so much. i wanted them to get together
  • me: dad good god
  • dad: he was a little less marilyn manson at that point though
  • dad: not that guyliner isn't a good look for this guy
  • dad: when a deadly russian assassin wears eyeliner, it's 'he's so dreamy' and 'wow what a badass'
  • dad: but when i do it it's 'you're too old' and 'bald guys can't pull off make-up'
  • me: dad it was halloween and it was one time you need to let this go
  • dad: so bucky barnes, aka cute cocky guy who died in the first movie, aka steve roger's best friend/boyfriend, is a top secret super scary brainwashed hydra agent?
  • me: mmm-hm
  • dad: called it
  • dad: do you think single handedly destroying jets is just a common, everyday thing for cap? punch a few tanks, feed a few pigeons, take out a plane, help old ladies cross the street...
  • dad: captain america is like your grandad minus the booze and the cussing
  • dad: in all honesty that was a little anti-climactic
  • dad: i was 100% sure nick fury was gonna descend majestically from the heavens, 'All I do is Win' blaring in the background, and single-handedly save everyone's ass
  • dad: scarjo and chris evans are two of the most beautiful people in the world and they are both in this movie and i don't know how to feel about it i have butterflies in my stomach i'm a schoolboy again
  • me: you know on second thought we should have brought mom
  • dad: where's hawkeye? where's bruce? where's tony? where's thor? WHERE ARE ALL THE OTHER AVENGERS AS THE ENTIRETY OF SHIELD IS COMPROMISED AND NICK FURY DIES
  • me: maybe they figured steve could handle it
  • dad: maybe they're all lazy assholes

anonymous asked:

what about the stairs in the forests!!! and what doc were you watching and would you recommend?

ok so I DON’T BELIEVE IN THE STAIRS IN THE FORESTS! mainly because I’m A Search and Rescue Officer for the U.S. Forest Service, and I Have Some Stories to Tell a) is posted on /r/nosleep so it’s definitely made up, b) the op admits to knowing about David Paulides, and lbr knowing about = being influenced by, so it’s definitely made up, and c) if you read all the way through to the end it stops being even vaguely believable and starts reading like a WTNV transcript, and then he plugs his book, so it’s DEFINITELY MADE UP. however, it is an amazing (read: terrifying) thread, some of it is obviously based on truths/insider SAR knowledge which means a lot of it is probably uncomfortably close to actually being true, and it’s a good Gateway Read into MISSING PEOPLE IN NATIONAL PARKS CONSPIRACY THEORIES, which is where I live now. (plus, if you read this before getting into anything else it imbues every single missing persons case with an unsettling sense of Eldritch horror, which is why I had to turn on three overheads and unfocus my eyes all the way to the bathroom last night at 2am.) 

so yeah, after reading that /r/nosleep thing for the first time I drew a line under it and moved on until SOMEONE (ahem@roundtop) sent me a link to an article called How 1,600 People Went Missing from Our Public Lands Without a Trace (on a legit and sensible outdoorsy people website), like ‘haha, stairs in the forest!’ and I SWAN DIVED DOWN THE RABBIT HOLE. thus: the documentary-watching, staying up till 2am and spending all day today trying to find copies of David Paulides’ books for less than $80 inc. postage. 

THIS DUDE DAVID PAULIDES. he was in law enforcement before, for some reason, deciding to become a ~*~cryptozoologist~*~ and certified gung-ho Bigfoot conspiracy theorist, and through that found out about how many people had disappeared without a trace from National Parks in the U.S., did 7,000 hours worth of digging, and wrote a bunch of books about it. his books are called Missing 411 and are about the ridiculous number of people who go missing in National Parks, the usually weird circumstances around their disappearances, the fact that when people are found (dead or alive) it’s often in places miles and miles and sometimes waaaaay higher up mountains than where they disappeared from, and all sorts of creepy crap to boot. like they can’t get bloodhounds to find a scent, or they find tiny children miles away from where they got lost, barefoot, without a scratch on the soles of their feet, human remains being found years later in places that were search dozens and dozens of times. not to mention the National Parks… People (? I really don’t know enough to be making this post) are aware of what’s happening but don’t keep a list of the people who’ve gone missing on their lands. 

(which is all part of why I’m A Search and Rescue Officer for the U.S. Forest Service is so freaky – enough of it (people being found miles away, kids being found up mountains, the people in charge being cagey about it all) sounds real that you can believe it was actually written by a SAR Officer. heebies!) 

it’s all real nightmare fuel, if you’re the sort of person who is absolutely terrified by all this Scary Forest Disappearing People Unexplainable Deaths stuff, i.e. me. luckily I can’t afford to buy any of them! phew! however, I haven’t let that stop me from a) SCARING MYSELF SHITLESS and b) BECOMING A TIN HATTER, and it shouldn’t stop you either: you can read loads of stuff over at /r/missing411, listen to one of his initial interviews (in which he talks about how he was approached by two park employees in plain clothes who were like ‘please investigate this, there’s SOMETHING going on and it’s so goddamn weird’) on Coast to Coast AM (which is, like, a paranormal radio station… I’m sorry), watch a bunch of Paulides’/CanAm Missing Project’s vids about disappearances on youtube, and listen to hours worth of interviews and late night spooky radio/podcast discussions with Paulides. 

the documentary I thought I was watching was Missing 411, which is based on his books and Kickstarted by the public in 2015, but it turns out that they’re apparently shopping it around at festivals so it’s not out yet. what I was actually watching (and quickly abandoned) was a weird supercut of all of David Paulides’ tv interviews and some cryptozoologist chatter about Bigfoot. Paulides, god love him, never ever SAYS Bigfoot in any of his books, and everything he presents is 100% factually accurate and extensively researched, but… I think we can safely say he thinks it’s Bigfoot. tbh, after reading about Jaryd Atadero I think it’s Bigfoot. I mean, goddamn. 

so, yeah. I’ve finished reading every search and rescue story on this blog (Hunt for the Death Valley Germans is LONG but awesome), I’ve got West of Memphis ready to watch after work tomorrow because I remembered how much I love that case and spooky true crime things, if you have any related LINKS or STUFF about This Shit then REBLOG THIS/MSG ME AND TELL ME, or if you have a copy of a Missing 411 book you wouldn’t mind mailing to me then LET ME KNOW, and in conclusion I can’t believe America is so fucking huge and unkind, goodnight.

When they don't finish the fic

Me: ahh I NEED TO READ A FIC! Oh this one looks good!

(5 hours and 34 chapters later)

Me: Oh my god this is AWES- it’s unfinished…when’s the next chap- NO

Last updated: January 2010

Me: oh just FUCK OFF! WHY WHY DID YOU DO THIS?! they didn’t kiss yet?! THEY DIDN’T EVEN KISS WHY I WILL NEVER FORGIVE THIS TRANSGRESSION AGAINST ME I HATE EVERYTHING I NEED TO KNOW WHATS HAPPENED! Never mind I will never read fanfic again! I swear ao3 you are dead to me.

(2 minutes later)

Me: oh this fic looks interesting…

Things Keith Probably Says to Sick Lance

- “God, Lance. Don’t be so dramatic.”

- “You probably aren’t even that sick.” 

- “Did you steal my blanket, Lance??”

- “What? No! I will not cuddle you! Oh my god, Lance!”

- “LANCE, WHAT THE FUCK?? YOU’RE BURNING UP!!”

- “NO, JESUS, GET INTO BED. WHAT THE FUCK??” 

- “I DON’T UNDERSTAND?? YOU WERE FINE LIKE FIVE SECONDS AGO??”

- “WHY DIDN’T YOU SAY YOU WERE THIS SICK SOONER?” 

- “HOW THE FUCK DID YOU TAKE THAT GALRA OUT WHILE THIS SICK?”

- “Fuck, okay, it’s going to be fine. I can handle this. NO YOU HUSH AND REST, LANCE! I SAID I CAN HANDLE THIS!” 

  • Peter: Oh my God, what do I do? I need the weekend off and I don't know what to tell Steve!
  • Wade: Just lie
  • Peter: [horrified] I can't lie to Captain America!
  • Wade: Mhm, kay. But if you do lie, go with dental emergency. Or death of a triplet. You can even use that one twice
  • Reborn, in front of a broken coffee maker: Who broke it?
  • All the Vongola kids:
  • Reborn: I'm not mad, I just wanna know.
  • Yamamoto: ... I did. I broke it —
  • Reborn: No, no you didn’t. Ryohei?
  • Ryohei: Don't look at me... look at Octopus Head.
  • Gokudera: What? I didn't break it.
  • Ryohei: Huh, that's weird. How'd you even know it was broken?
  • Gokudera: Because it's sitting right in front of us... and it's BROKEN.
  • Ryohei: Suspicious.
  • Gokudera: No, it's not!
  • Lambo: If it matters, probably not, but I-Pin was the last one to use it...
  • I-Pin: Liar! I don't even drink that crap!
  • Lambo: Oh, really? Then what were you doing by the coffee cart earlier?
  • I-Pin: I use the wooden stirrers to push back my cuticles! Everyone knows that, LAMBO.
  • Tsuna: Guys, no, let's not fight. I broke it, Reborn, let me pay for it.
  • Reborn: NO. Who broke it?
  • Gokudera: ... Reborn-san? Hibari's been awfully quiet —
  • Hibari: Really.
  • Gokudera: Yeah, REALLY.
  • Tsuna: OH, MY GOD —
  • *later, as everyone's fighting*
  • Reborn: I broke it. It burned my hand, so I shot it with my gun.
  • Reborn: I predict in ten minutes they'll be at each other's throats with war paint on their faces and a pig head on a stick.
  • Reborn: ... good. It was getting a little chummy around here.
the signs as Parks and Rec quotes
  • Aries: Jogging is the worst! I know it keeps you healthy, but God, at what cost?
  • Taurus: Oh, my God. These dogs are so cute. I WANT TO THROW UP AND KILL MYSELF.
  • Gemini: I think that Comic Sans always screams 'fun'.
  • Cancer: I don't even have time to tell you how wrong you are. Actually, it's gonna bug me if I don't.
  • Leo: I have no idea what I'm doing, but I know I'm doing it really, really well.
  • Virgo: Everything in my life is going wrong right now. Whose fault is this? I demand to know.
  • Libra: I'm not interested in caring about people.
  • Scorpio: Ugh. I hate talking to people about things. This is a nightmare.
  • Sagittarius: No, no. That's too much responsibility for me. I gotta— I gotta find a way out of this.
  • Capricorn: Yes. I am a hunter, and it's 'You' season.
  • Aquarius: My anxiety has kept me up for over fifty hours.
  • Pisces: I'm hungry and my legs are tired. It feels like I just exercised!
Who Broke it?
  • Joker: "So, who broke it? I'm not mad, I just want to know."
  • Harley: "I did! I broke it Mr. J!"
  • Joker: "No, no you didn't. Ed?"
  • Riddler: "Don't look at me. Look at Harvey!"
  • Two-Face: "What? I didn't break it."
  • Riddler: "Huh, that's weird. How'd you even know it was broken?"
  • Two-Face: "Because it's sitting right in front of us, and it's broken."
  • Riddler: "...suspicious."
  • Two-Face: "No it's not."
  • Scarecrow: "If it matters, probably not but, Selina was the last one to use it."
  • Cat Woman: "Lier! I don't even drink that crap!"
  • Scarecrow: "Oh really? What were you doing by the coffee cart earlier?"
  • Cat Woman: "I use the wooden stirs to push back my cuticles. Everyone knows that, John!"
  • Harley: "Alright, let's not fight. I broke it, let me pay for it, puddin'."
  • Joker: "No! Who broke it?!"
  • ....
  • Two-Face: "Joker, Ivy's been awfully quiet-"
  • Ivy: "rEALLY?"
  • Two-Face: "Yes, really!"
  • Ivy: "Oh my god!"
  • *all fighting in the background*
  • Joker: "I broke it. It burnt my hand so I punched it. I predict ten minutes from now, they'll be at each other's throats with war paint on their faces and a pig head on a stick. Good. It was getting a little chummy around here."

Michael getting flustered on Letterman after David shows him a clip from his work on CBC, when he was 15 years old.

Taken from this video

  • Cinder: Actually Mercury, it's always been my wish to watch you die.
  • Mercury: Oh, right.
  • Cinder: Yep. Every night after you both would retire to your bunks, I would climb up to the top of the base and just wait. Hoping I would see a shooting star. So that I could wish for your violent, and unbearably painful demise.
  • Mercury: Okay, you can stop now.
  • Cinder: I even had a little jingle to go along with it.
  • Mercury: Please don't.
  • Cinder: -singing- "I just wish that Mercury was dead!"
  • Mercury: I hate you.
  • -Emerald also starts singing-
  • Cinder: -singing- "Put a bullet-"
  • -Cinder stops, Emerald continues singing-
  • Emerald: -singing- "Put a bullet through his head!"
  • Mercury: What the-? Emerald how do you know that song?!
  • Emerald: Oh, it's been in my dreams for years! Now it all makes sense! Oh thank God!
  • Mercury: What?!
  • Emerald: I thought I was crazy when I woke up with that rifle in my hands!
  • Cinder: Heheheh, well ain't that the power of music!
  • Mercury: Emerald! Why didn't you tell me about this?!
  • Emerald: Oh, shut up. It wasn't even loaded.

Replace Plus Extra Chapter 14: Christmas Miracles

What if the Generation of Miracles were Santa?
Kagami: *snore*

Keep reading

The Darkest Hour Part 1
  • Arthur: My God, Dad, are you crying?
  • Uther: No. No.
  • Arthur: Yes, you are. Yes, you are. I just saw you wipe your eyes.
  • Uther: No, I didn't. Quit looking at me.
  • Arthur: Dad? ...Oh my God. I made my father cry.
  • Uther: Don't you start.
  • Arthur: I'm only crying because you're crying!
  • Uther: I'm not crying! I don't know what this is. I didn't even cry when I got shot.
  • Arthur: I didn't cry when you got shot, either.
6

sketches from tonight ❤ gen outfit redraws 💙 + kin 💛 + why shiro’s hair is so short 💚

Who broke it? (Sing)
  • Buster: "So...who broke it? I'm not mad, I just want to know."
  • Meena: "I broke it!"
  • Buster: "No, no you didn't. Mike?"
  • Mike: "Don't look at me. Look at Johnny."
  • Johnny: "What? I didn't break it."
  • Mike: "Huh, that's funny, how'd you even know it was broken?"
  • Johnny: "Because it's sitting right in front of us, and it's broken."
  • Mike: "...suspicious."
  • Johnny: "No, it's not!"
  • Eddie: "If it matters, probably not but, Ash was the last one to use it."
  • Ash: "Lier! I don't even drink that crap!"
  • Eddie: "Oh yeah, what were you going by the coffee cart earlier?"
  • Ash: "I use the wooden sticks to push back my cuticles, everyone knows that Eddie!"
  • Meena: "Alright let's not fight, I broke it. Let me pay for it, Buster."
  • Buster: "No! Who broke it?"
  • Silence
  • Johnny: "Buster...Rosita's been awfully quiet."
  • Rosita: "Really?!"
  • Johnny: "Yes really!"
  • Rosita: "Oh my god!"
  • All arguing in the back
  • Buster: "I broke it."