i don't even know what this gif is about but i just love his face

Tell Her I Said Goodbye 

Words: 1,362

AN: Here is the second part to You Don’t Know What It feels Like! Finally after all this time, Sam is finally getting his own story. After this, the story is going to become more about Sam and his road to happiness, and less about the readerxdean story in the first part. I guess you could say the first part was a prequel to this new series. I know that I traditionally write for Dean, and I normally focus on reader or casxdean pairings… but I’m trying something new. Please let me know what you think! I always appreciate feedback! Love you all, more to come! 

Sam was laying in bed later that night, with a bottle of Jack Daniels and Lord of the Rings on his TV. Since he had witnessed you and Dean kissing in the shooting range, he wasn’t exactly up for socializing, so he had shut himself in his room to avoid any unwanted conversation. He wasn’t in the mood. He didn’t know when it had happened, but he had somehow fallen head over heels in love with you. “I’m an idiot,” Sam said out loud to himself, and he was right. He was an idiot. He should have known better than to fall for a girl who was in love with his brother. “Who does that?” He sat up slightly and took a large swig of the brown liquid, hissing at the burning feeling it left in his throat. He returned the bottle to the nightstand and grabbed his phone. After several attempts of typing in his passcode he was rewarded with access. Pressing on the photo icon, Sam pulled up his photo library and began scrolling through its contents. Pictures of the three of you, and occasionally Cas, filled the screen, but he stopped when one of the two of you together caught his eye. He clicked on the photo, making it bigger and just stared at it. It was a selfie that you took one night on a hunt. Dean had gone out to get some food and you and Sam had stayed to look into some lore.  As always, Sam had been nose deep in a book, and you had stolen his phone in an attempt to get him to ‘lighten up’. He smiled at the expression on your faces, your lips pursed and your eyes crossed and him just smiling at your antics. As much pain as he had experienced in his life, he always seemed to let his guard down around you. When he was with you, he didn’t have to pretend to be this ‘big macho tough guy’. He could tell you anything and not be afraid of your judgment. ‘This is gonna suck’ he thought to himself. If it were any other guy, he would fight for you… but this was Dean, and the two of you were in love. How was he supposed to get over you? Just watching the two of you together was enough to crush him, and he knew that he couldn’t bare it if he stayed around it. Sam pushed himself off the bed, stumbling a bit when he attempted to stand. Walking over to his closet, he pulled a large duffel from the bottom and began pulling clothes from hangers. He hadn’t realized how drunk he was until he was trying to fold one of his flannels. He was on his second attempt when he heard a small knock on his door. A moment later his door opened and you poked you head in.

“Hey” you said, giving him a large smile. “Got a minute?” Sam nodded.

“Yeah, come on in.” He continued to pack his bag, a bit slower this time. He didn’t want you to know he was drunk.

“So…” you began, “Dean and I talked.”

“Oh yeah?”

“Yeah..” you waited a moment. “We kissed.” You stated excitedly, waiting for his reaction.

“I know.” Sam said, throwing some socks in with the rest of his clothes. He looked over his shoulder to see you frowning.

“You know?”

“I kinda saw you guys…” he cleared his throat. “I didn’t want to intrude.”

“Well, don’t sound so excited for me or anything.” You chastised, clearly getting annoyed with his reaction. Sam sighed and turned to face you.

“I AM excited for you.” he said, sensing your annoyance. It was silent for a moment. “So you together now?” he asked, hoping his fake interest would get him back on your good side. You smiled, fidgeting with a strand of your hair.

“I don’t know. We still need to talk about it but… he said he loves me.” Sam smiled at the happiness in your voice.

“I’m happy for you guys.”

“Thanks Sam.” You let out a happy sigh and looked around the room, your eyes landing on his suitcase. “Did you find a case?” Sam followed your gaze and shifted slightly on his feet.

“Um… not yet.” He resumed packing, avoiding making eye contact.

“Yet?” Sam ran a hand through his hair and sighed.

“I um… think I’m going to South Dakota for awhile. Stay in one of Bobby’s cabins… visit Jodie and the girls… I’ll find something when I get there”. He zipped his now full duffle closed and walked to his bookshelf, pulling several books out and making a small pile.

“By yourself?”

“Yeah. I think I just need to go for awhile, clear my head.” Sam reached over and grabbed his bottle of whiskey, taking a swig before closing the lid and throwing it on top of the duffel.

“Are you drunk?” you asked, growing concerned. You walked across the room and gently grabbed his arm. “Sam. What is going on?”

“I’m fine, (Y/N). Just… I need to be by myself right now.” He responded, a bit harsh. You looked at him, your anger growing by the second.

“Well, you’re not going anywhere tonight. You’re in no condition to drive.” You countered, releasing his arm and grabbing the keys to his car laying on his dresser. “Sleep it off. We will talk tomorrow”. You left him then, leaving the scent of your perfume in the air. He threw himself down on his bed, not even bothering with blankets or pillows. He was tired, he was upset, and he just didn’t care enough anymore.

……………………………………………………………………………………………

Sam woke up early the next morning with a pounding in his head. He rubbed his eyes with the palms of his hands and sighed. It was 5 in the morning, and he knew that you and Dean were probably sleeping, and that he should wait to talk to you before he left, but he didn’t think he could wait that long. He rolled out of bed and got took a quick shower before getting dressed. He did quick scan of the room, making sure he had everything he needed. After grabbing a few extra lore books and his duffel he left his room, making sure not to make a lot of noise. He loaded his truck with his belongings and got in before he remembered you taking his keys. “Dammit” he mumbled to himself, getting out and heading back into the bunker. He was passing through the library when he spotted Dean sitting at one of the tables; feet propped up, a drink in his hand. He gave Sam a look before reaching into his robe pocket and pulling out Sam’s keys.

“You might need these.” He said, tossing them onto the table. Sam stepped forward, and grabbed the keys.

“Thanks”. Sam nodded to his older brother before turning and making his way back to the garage.

“That’s it?” Sam stopped and turned to see Dean walking toward him. “No explanation… just gonna take off without saying goodbye?” Dean was standing in front of him now, arms crossed and looking pissed. Sam took a deep breath.

“Look. I just need to get out of here. What do you care anyway? I’ve gone out on my own before!”

“I care because (Y/N) came into my room last night tore up because you were a drunk asshole!” He shouted, pointing a finger at Sam. “What the hell was that about anyway?”

“I was drunk, Dean… you gonna pretend that you don’t turn into an asshole when you drink sometimes?” Dean stared at him.

“Well, you got me there…” Dean shook his head, and sighed. “You check in, got it?” Sam rolled his eyes, but smiled at his older brother’s concern.

“Got it.”

“I mean it, Sam. If I don’t hear from you every four days, I’ll track you down and beat the shit out of you myself.”

 “Okay, Dean. Every four…” Sam clapped his brother on the shoulder, before walking away. He stopped for a moment, one foot out the door and whispered. “Tell her I said goodbye.” 

Part 4 ( Please Don’t )

Finally here after what feels like forever. Hope y'all enjoy it because I had fun writing it. Let me know if you want another part. Love you guys!

________________________________________


“Dean-o here is begging me to not tell you all the little secrets he never had the balls to say to your face. You know that, right?” He spat at you.

You were covered in bruises and cuts. And you, not having fully healed from the car accident, this only hurt 1000x more. But you weren’t going to show him how much it hurt.
He punched you. “Answer me, bitch!”
“Fuck you.” You spat blood in his face.
“You’re gonna regret that, sweetheart.” He plunged the knife into you thigh as you yelled in pain.

“He can’t stand you, you know that right? He can’t stand looking at you. And that girl he fucked was, how did he put it? Was the best fuck he’d had in a long time. You know the worst part of it. You know I’m right.” Your heart was breaking and tears threatened to fall from your puffy eyes.

“He doesn’t love you, you know that right? He hates you. He never loved you. It was all guilt. He felt like he had to be there for you. And god, you were such a burden. Always there when all he wanted was space. To him. You’re weak.” He smiled wide only seeing tears slowly drip from your cheeks onto your red skin.

“Wanna know something else, sweetheart? He couldn’t stand how you looked without clothes. He thinks you’re disgusting. And you know it too. You can’t stand yourself so how do you expect him to?”
“STOP!” You yelled.

The room got quiet and the silence sat between you and the monster in Dean.

He scruffs, “Stop? Stop telling you the truth? Stop-”
“Please…just please stop.” You couldn’t hold it in anymore. You knew the demon was now seeing you at your weakest.

“Y/N!” a familiar voice echoed throughout the bunker halls.
“Sam…” you whispered.

Suddenly the demon grabbed your face and made you stare into the black eyes that over took the beautiful green ones you loved. He started creating hand shaped bruises on your cheeks.

“You are nothing. Especially to him!” He growled at you.
White hot blood filled your veins and you looked down to see that he had stuck a blade into your stomach.
You look one last time into his eyes and black filed your vision.

Nothing.

_____________________________________

“Y/N?” Your eyes fluttered open. Panic set in when you realized who was in front you.
“Wait! Wait please! Please don’t hurt me!“you yelled out. “Baby, I’m not gonna hurt you. I’m so sorry.” He begged you to calm down but you couldn’t. You just couldn’t.

“Dean! Y/N!” Sam and Cas barged into the room.
“Sweetheart, look at me. It’s me. The real me. Baby, look!” Dean yelled out to you but Sam had already pulled him out of the room and left Cas with you.

“Sam, let me go! I need her to know! I need her to see that its the real me and not that fucking monster!” Dean screamed to Sam trying to pull away from him.
“Dean. DEAN! Look at me!” He grabbed his shoulders to make Dean face him. “She’s scared, Dean. She’s scared out of her god damn mind. Looking at you and hearing your voice…she’ll hurt herself if you’re not careful around her.” Sam said calmly. He tried to bring Dean back to his normal breathing.
Dean looked at Sam. And tried to steady his heart beat.
“Sam…I’m never gonna get her back.” Dean whispered. “Dean, don’t say-” Sam started but Dean interuppted. “It’s true.” They both stayed quiet.
“I-I lost her because I thought I was protecting her and giving her the chance to be happy. I pushed her away. And then the car accident-” he couldn’t hold it in anymore.
“She came back home and then that thing had. I took me and-and look at her now.” He stopped and then rage took over making his fist clench and his knuckles turn white.
“LOOK AT HER!” He yelled then turned and grabbed the chair and threw it acroos the room.
“That thing! It told her lies! Things I would have never in a million fucking years have said to her. He told her shit that isn’t true but that doesn’t stop her from believing the lies!” He stopped yelling.

“Those things it told her. They came out of my mouth and from my voice. From me. But it wasn’t me.” He whispered the last sentence. “Dean-” Sam tried to talk but Dean wasn’t done.
“She use to hate herself, Sammy. She used to have a heavy heart. She once told me that she felt as though the weight of the world lied in her hands. She said that she hated who she was and what she looked like. I changed that, Sammy.” His voice quivered. Sam had tears forming and leaving his eyes.
“I promised her from the very beginning that I would protect her. I would always love her. That I would never hurt her and now I fucked up the only thing in my life that seems to be keeping me normal. Keeping me human. I love her. But now-” Dean hears foot steps and turns to see Cas standing at Y/N’s closed door.
“She’s calm now. Dean-” “She doesn’t want to see me, Cas. I know.” Dean shut Cas up before he could finish. “Well if you would let me finish you’d know that she actually wants to talk to you.” Dean looked up in confusion but nodded and turn to look at Sam in confirmation that it was okay and he nodded back.

———————————————–

You sat there in the dark with your thoughts. How was everything going to be okay now? Demons don’t lie about that kind of stuff, do they? I mean they lie but-

“Y/N?” You jumped at the voice. He noitced.
“Dean.” You spoke softly. He slowly shuffled toward the bed.
He was scared to get too close. Afraid to break you. To hurt you. Even if he’d already done so.
He couldn’t breathe and his hands became sweaty. He tried not making eye contact.

He didn’t know what to say. Should he say that he’s sorry? That he wish he could take back the past month and forget and forgive? That he didn’t mean to hurt you? That what the monster told her was all a lie, yet he knew she wouldn’t believe him.
“I never thought in a million years, that I would have heard you say those things to me. At least not to my face that is.” You finally spoke.
He looked at you seeing tears drip onto your cheeks and down your chest. You looked the other direction trying to avoid his eyes. Or just him in general. It hurt to look at him.

“Y/N, I would never gave said any of those things. Ever-” “Because they were true.” “Because they were wrong.” It got quiet again.
So many thing you both wanted to say but not knowing how to put them into words.
“Was I not good enough?” Again you broke the painful silence. “What?” He asked confused. “Was I just another stupid mistake?” “Wait what? No! You-” you shut him up again.
“I mean look at me. My parents left me when I was a kid and then my adopted family hated me. Then y/ex/n came along and I thought maybe. Just maybe, something in my life will go right. I-I thought-” you choked own your own sobs. “I thought he loved me. And then he started coming home drunk and would yell at me. He would remind me of everything I already knew about myself. Everything I already called myself.” You stopped talking and held in the little whimpers you didn’t want him to hear.
“Y/N” “and then there’s you.” He was taken by the way you said it. He stared and studied the way your lips quivered and the way your eyes seemed to shake and close every time a tear would escape the rims of your puffy red eyes. “You came into my life and became my whole world. You made me feel good about myself and you made me feel beautiful. D-Dean that’s something I’ve never felt before. You made me feel wanted and seen. You made me feel sexy and incredible. You made me feel loved.” You cried.
Now he could feel her heart breaking and her body shaking. But he hurt you and now he was paying for it in the worst way possible.
“I honestly thought that you were different. That you were in love with me too. Crazy, right?!” You chuckled through her sobs.
“It’s not crazy because I-“you stopped him.“What, Dean? You love me? You’re sorry? You didn’t mean to? You what?!” Now you were angry and you were letting go of all the rage and hurt.
“I do love you, y/n.” He spoke with a shaky voice.
You stopped yelling and listened to him speak. His heart was hurting too and his voice was pained too. You can’t stand knowing he was…scared.
“Dean-” “Listen to me, y/n. Just please hear me out. Okay?” He shifted himself to be sitting next to you now.
You could clearly see his heaving chest and red rimmed eyes.
“Okay.” You answered and he sighed in relief. “Y/N, what I did. There’s no way in hell that I expect you to every forgive me. And what I said that night you left. God, I wish I could take it back. I wish I could take everything back. But these past 4 years being in a relationship with you. They’ve been the most amazing 4 years of my entire life. When I was with that girl all I could think about was about how hurt you’d be and how much you’d hate me. How much you’d hate yourself. I didn’t once not love you. I pushed you away so that you would leave because I thought you would be happier with someone who could give you a better life than me.” He was lifting off all the weight that lied within his chest. “Dean-” you tried to speak. “Wait, sweetheart. I’m not done.” He shut you up and called you one of his many nicknames for you. You missed that word slipping from his lips. Especially when he’d whisper it into your ear.
You nodded with a smirk making your dimple peck at him.
He loved your dimples. God, he missed when he used to make them appear on your beautiful face.
He smiled in relief.
"When you got into that car crash and the paramedics called me. I-I” he began to relive that moment. His mind raced and his heart started to beat faster. His tears were out of his control. You noticed how he began shaking and his eyes became red again. His breathing was irregular.
He was remembering that night.

You sat up at grabbed his face. You needed to calm him down. “Dean, baby. Hey. Hey! Look at me. Everything’s okay. I’m okay. I’m safe here with you. We’re okay.” You made him focus on you and only you. Making sure his eyes were on your eyes.
“Breathe with me, baby. Just breathe. Everything’s gonna be okay. I’m right here.” You noticed that he was slowly calming down but his breathing wasn’t.
You grabbed his hand and placed it on your chest.
He looked at you intensely and focused on your heart beat. Your breathing. On you.
He stared into your eyes and let his breathing match yours. His thumb started making small circle patterns on your chest where you held his hand.
“That’s it, baby. There you go. It’s okay. Just focus on me.” You touched his cheek as you kept his hand own your chest.
“I am.” He whispered.
You looked deeply into his eyes and kept your focus on them. Taken by his words. “I miss you, Dean.” You unexpected said out loud. He smiled. “You have no idea how much I missed you, baby.” He said.
The distance between the both of you was incredibly small and you both could feel each others warmth radiating off of one another.
He couldn’t keep his eyes off your lips.
“Y/N?” He asked quietly. “Yeah?” You answered before you knew what you were saying.
“Can I kiss you?” He seemed hopeful and nervous. Scared.
You stared at his questioning eyes and his trembling lips. And without answering him you took his face and placed your lips on his.
This. This is what he missed most about you. Your kisses.
They were like untold stories and fireworks on a beach. Your kisses were by far the most amazing thing that he’d ever had the pleasure of tasting. Your lips on his was like listening to AC/DC in the Impala and eating pie. But better.
The way your hands would travel through his hair and land on his cheek. The way you wanted to take your time memorizing every inch of him. He loved that most about you. The fact that you wanted him and that you truly loved him. Treating him oh so well even though he told himself he wasn’t worth that of you. You showed him otherwise.
He separated his lips from your, which made both you whimper.
“I’m not going to lose you, y/n.” He whispered unexpectedly. “Not after everything. Not after the hell I went through to just stand next to you again. I-I miss you. I miss everything about you.” He spoke the last sentence quietly.

“I-I can’t. I won’t let you go. Not without a fight.” He let the shaky words spill from his lips. God, you missed the taste of them. The familiar warmth. The firm yet passionate kisses.

The spark like fireworks.
“I won’t let you fight this world on your own, baby. And when you’ve given it your all and you can’t go on. I will help you cope. Y/N, please don’t-” you cut him off with your lips on his.
The kiss seemed to speak his unspoken words. His guilt. His regret. His broken heart. His dying need to express how he loves you and misses you.
Your warm touch. Your divine taste. Your strawberry scented smell musket with whiskey and fast food. Your laugh that only made him want to kiss you even more just so he could taste your happiness. Your eyes that told stories both beautiful and horrifying yet they still made him weak in the knees every damn time. Your simile. Oh god smile send chills down his spine. The way your eyes tended to become a little smaller when your blushed cheeks would push up against them. Your voice was like music to his ears. Like listening to Angel by Aerosmith, which happened to be the song that reminded him of you. The song that you both made love to on your first time.

“Baby-“Dean whispered in between the kiss. You stopped and leaned your forehead against his. Taking in the moment lying in front of you. It stayed quiet for a few seconds. "Sorry.” He finally whispered.
You cupped his cheeks and you moved his head up to look into his eyes. He stared for a few before closing his eyes to relax into the warmth of your touch on him. Just like old times.
“For?” You asked. “Calling you that. I know you don’t want me to-” you stopped him. “Dean, it’s fine.” “No it’s not. I hurt you and I don’t deserve to call you that.” Dean said firmly. “I miss it, Dean.” You said lowly.
“Miss what?” “You calling me ‘baby’. Or ‘sweetheart. Or-” Dean interrupted you. “My girl?” You looked up to see a small smile creep onto his lips. “Yeah. Especially that one.” You both laughed.

The silence between you both now sat in the air. But it wasn’t awkward or weird. Not at all. If anything it was magic. It was perfect.
They say when your with ‘the one’ the silent moments are the most beautiful. They remind the both of you that you don’t need words to express how much love you both hold for the other one. The presence is enough.

“I love you, y/n.” Dean whispered. You both lied in bed. He would brush his thumb on your cheek and you would let your fingers run through his hair. “I love you too, Dean.”
“No I dont think you understand, sweetheart.” He paused and pulled you closer to his body.
“I love you. With every fiber of my being. And I always will.” You smiledat his words. He did too. “And I don’t think your understanding me, baby.” He smirked. “I love you. All of you. Always have always will.” He pulled your face to his and crashed his lips against yours.
Both of you fell asleep to the sound of each others beating hearts and breathing. The warmth keeping each other aware of each others existence.

——————————————-

“Dean.” You turned around and felt something wet.
You shuffled around and turned on the light on the bed shelf.

Blood. And lots of it.

You panicked. I’m not on my period, right?
You checked under the sheets but no. It wasn’t you.

“Dean.” No answer. “Dean?” You turned to wake him up.
“Dean, baby. You okay? You awake?” You leaned over to kiss his cheek.

“Dean?” Now your body froze.

You turned him over.

“DEAN! OH MY GOD, NO!” You yelled. “PLEASE DON’T! NOT LIKE THIS!”

“DEAN!”

_________________________

Part 5? What did ya think of this part? I’d love to know!
Thank you, loves.

I have been made aware today via my ask box (thank you anon \o/), that someone had altered and uploaded my x-files artwork on their blog without sourcing it back. I have sent a message to this person and he has graciously removed the post, but the damage has been done. What I mean by that, is that his post had generated 46 113 notes. Meaning that even if he took his post down, there are still 46 112 unsourced gifs of my artwork wandering on tumblr. Well, evidently not as many as it’s reblogs and likes alike, but it still represents a huge number. And this is just for this one edit, there are many others around. I know a lot of people don’t see the problem in this, and probably think that I should be lucky that anyone even care about my art, or that it is my fault as I put it myself on the internet. That it doesn’t hurt anyone. That everyone do it and that I have to deal with it.

No, you uncultured swines.

Let me explain why, as apparently it is not common sense to everyone (and sorry for those who do, you can now skip this post and go play with puppies, or whatever).

It is not because I have posted my artwork on a medium that everyone can access, that it gives someone the right to claim it as their own or to edit it in any way. And I’m talking here about everyone’s work, illustrations, fanarts, texts, photos, musics… of professional artists or not. This would be the same thing as loving some author’s book, but oh this chapter is not entirely to my taste, so let me write it slightly differently and publish it by myself. This is disrespectful and rude. Whether you claim credit for the story or not.

Even if you don’t try to claim credit, this is still hurtful, in a lot of ways. I’m sure that it isn’t most people’s intention, and I know a lot of people don’t see the problem because “but it is there on the internet”, but editing and uploading unsourced artworks causes a lot of problems for the artists. To give you an example, after dealing with my x-files post today, I have been curious. I uploaded my gif into the Google images search, to see if it could find the source and redirect me towards my blog. I found out so many unsourced images of it posted everywhere, or claimed by others, it is really upsetting. Sure, some people do indeed source it back. And eventually, I was able to stumble upon my blog by chance, after pages and pages of those unsourced gifs. But let’s be honest, who ever look further than the second page of Google search results… Most people don’t bother to use a search engine if they don’t see a source. And if they do, they give up pretty quickly if the information is drowned in the internet. Meaning that if they like some artwork, want to see more of it or commission the author, most of the time, they can’t. For most artists, posting their art online leads to freelance opportunities. If you don’t credit the artist, you prevent them from developping their art further and making contacts or money.

So please, think about it the next time you post something that isn’t yours to begin with. Ask for consent. Source the artwork. Or may a cow sit on your face.

Part 5 (Please Don’t)

It’s been a long while and I am so deeply sorry. As I’ve said before, I’ve been going through a lot but I am getting better. Thank you all for sticking with me and still sending me love and support and your kind words. It’s going to good use. Anyways I have finished part 5 of the series I’m writing, Please Don’t.
Part 6, maybe? What do y'all thinks?


P.S. iris by the goo goo dolls is played or should be played in this sTory. Play it when you see this 《》>

Love you all! Enjoy!
_____________________________________________

You turned him over.

“DEAN! OH MY GOD, NO!” You yelled. “PLEASE DON’T! NOT LIKE THIS!”

“DEAN!”

•••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••

“y/n?” The voice seemed to echo. Everything seemed to be unreal.
This had to be some kind of sick fucking joke.
Right?

“y/n.” You checked back into reality with the voice so close.
“Sammy.” He looked at you with his red swollen eyes.
“Hey, um. Cas and I are going take his body to the woods. Gonna give him the hunters funeral.”
You stared at him. No reaction. No voice. Nothing. It was all a haze.
“Sweetheart?” Sam whispered trying not to scare you. You blinked snapping back into the conversation.
“No.” He heard you speak but confused with your answer. “I don’t -” “I’m not gonna let you burn his body.” Your voice stern.
“Y/N, we can’t…I mean there’s nothin-” you interuppted him again. “I won’t let you, Sammy.”
It stayed quite.

“I-I can’t do that to him. He’s-he’s still my everything. I-”
“Y/N, he’s gone and I-”

“NO HE’S NOT!” Yelled standing up making Sam flinch.
“He can’t be gone! Don’t you get it, Sam. He-he has to be here. With me. He can’t do this to m-me.” Your anger was replaced with tears and heavy sobs.
“I’m so sorry.” He grabbed you and pulled you closer to his body. His warmth seemed to make all this more real. Only hurting you more. The reality of it all was too much and your breathing became heavy.
“Hey, hey! Y/N. Breathe with me. It’s okay. Everything’s gonna be okay. I’m right here.” Sam slowly started to calm you down.
As your breathing returned to its normal state, you both began to sit in silence and let the pain set in.

“I miss him, Sam. I-” you paused to catch your sobs.
He turned to look at you with his watery eyes. The pain of losing his brother, his family. Was already to much and then to have you, his best friend, in pain over losing someone who loved his brother. This was too much.

“I can’t lose him like this. I’ve already lost so much but I-I can’t lose him. Not him. Not Dean.” Your tears fell from the rim of your eyes to the red stained cheeks. He pulled you close to him as you both sat on the bed you shared with Dean.

“You know when Dean and I first meet you. He couldn’t keep his eyes off you. Especially your smile.” Sam smiled through his tears.
You smiled too. Even if it hurt to do so.
“He thought I never saw the way he looked at you, but I did. It was crazy how much he loved you. He was falling for you. And fast.” You both chuckled.
“When you weren’t looking, is when he loved to look at you most. You didn’t even notice it did you?” He questioned laughing.
“Honestly, no.” You laughed back with him.

“When you weren’t looking, he would stare at your lips. He would stare at the way you would lick them. He loved to look at your eyes. The way they seemed to hold stories beautiful ones holding hands with the bad ones. Or at least that’s what he told me.”
You both stayed quiet for a little while.

“You know he loved you, right?” He moved so that you could look at him.
“Yeah. I do.” You whispered.
“No, I mean like he LOVED you. Like more than anything. You took care of him and stayed by his side even at his lowest. He loved you because you loved his broke pieces and little by little you put him back together. Y/N, you saved him.” Your tears started falling again. But tears of joy. Something you hadn’t had in a long while.

●●●●●●●●flashback●●●●●●●●●

“Hey, sweetheart.” Dean said with a smile on his face. That damn stupid beautiful smile that made you melt every damn time.
“Hey, Dean. Where have you been. It’s late.” You smiled at him.
“I was out getting beer and some snacks. Thought maybe we could cuddle near the TV and watch that show you like so much.” He shrugged looking down as though he was…nervous.
You smiled, watching him scratch the back of his neck and see his cheeks turn bright pink.
“Yeah that sounds like fun.” He sighed in relief and look back at you chuckling as though that’s what he’d hoped you’d say.
“Okay great!” He said with excitement.

“I’ll get washed up and change into somethin a bit more comfortable. Alright?” He asks shyly.
“Yeah. Alright I’ll do the same thing.” You smile at him and nod. He nods back and walks out of the room.

Dean and you had somethin for each other for a while. Things between you both seemed to make sense and everything, even through the roughest of times, fell into place.
You loved him. But,of course, he didn’t know that.
To him you had a little crush on him but that didn’t exactly help with the fact that he loved you. You didn’t know that either.

You got into something comfortable. A t- shirt and some black pajama pants then went back to your room and cleaned it for the both of you to sit and watch the show.

Knock knock

“Cool if I come in?” Dean asked outside the door.
“Sure. I’m just cleaning up.” You said.

He entered with a 6 pack and a box of pizza along with a bunch of other snacks that he knew you loved.
“This cool?” He raised the food in his hands.
“Hell yeah it is! You’re so sweet to me, Dean.” You said sarcastically and laughing.
“You have no idea.” He smirked and looked into your eyes.

You both stood there just looking at the others lips and then back to their eyes.

You cleared you throat, “you can just set it over there on the night stand and make yourself comfortable. Okay?” You said quietly still not taking your eyes off him.
He blinked, coming back to reality.

“Okay, yeah. I can do that.” He spoke lowly.

You both sat on your bed with only inches of space between your bodies.
Laughing and talking as the show just played in the background.

“And I was like, ‘Sammy, could you be anymore gay?’” Dean said laughing.

“Oh my god! Stop. Stop! I can’t stop laughing.” You said to him with your hand you on his chest and the other hand trying to cover your mouth to hold back the loudness of your laughing.

All of a sudden he pulled your hand anyway from your mouth.

You look up at him in confusion.
“Don’t do that, y/n.” He said softy.

“What?” You asked. Not sure what he was saying or what he did that for.

“Don’t hide your laugh, sweetheart.” His voice seemed to get a little deeper.
“I-I didn’t mean-” you tried to talk but before you could finish what you were going to say he placed his lips on yours.

He slowly pulled away and with both your eyes fluttering open.

He looked into your eyes and then back to your lips.
“Don’t hide your laugh. It’s beautiful.” He said quietly.

The heat radiating off of both of you was incredibly intense. But it felt good. It felt right. Perfect even.

“Dean-” you couldn’t speak with the way your heart seemed to be beating faster than normally.
God, he beautiful. Being this close, you close feel the heat. Count every freckle that sprinkled across his face. The deep color of green in his eyes. The plump pink full lips that you’d just tasted. The smell of whiskey and leather.
You could get a better look at the man you’d been so deeply in love with.

But what took you back a bit was that kiss. He kissed you. HE kissed you. And in the split seconds that your lips had touch, every untold and spoken story about him was there. The kiss was like he had just told you everything he felt. Everything he was. Everything he wanted to be. Without words.
It was amazing.

“Y/N, please don’t hesitate to ever be yourself with me. Don’t hide who you are. You’re beautiful and I want to see you. All of you.” He placed his hand on your cheek and pulled you closer to him.
“Dean, I’m scared.” You spoke with tears dripping down your eyes.
You pick you face up a bit. Wanting you to look at him. To hear what he had to say.

“There’s nothing to be scared of, baby. I’m not y/ex/n. I would never hurt you.” His voice quivered.
“I-I lost so much, Dean. He took so much from me a-and I can’t hurt like that again.” You sobbed and he pulled you close to his body, holding you.

“I won’t ever hurt you because I-” he paused to scared to finish. Afraid it’ll ruin everything.

“You what?” You could feel your heart beating faster and faster.

‘Aw fuck it’

“Because I love you.” He spoke.

“And you know what? I want you to know that YOU are gorgeous. And I promise you that I won’t let you forget how beautiful you are. So that laugh you’re trying to hide. Sweetheart, please don’t do that. I wanna hear it.” His words spoke so sweet.

“Why?” You asked smiling, still in shock.
“Because every time you laugh I can see how happy you are. And it’s such a beautiful look on you. To see you smiling and laughing. To see you happy. I want to see you happy, baby. I want to be the one to make you smile.” He said.

You couldn’t help but smiled wide, not knowing what to say.

“See. Just like that.” He picked your chin up and placed his lips back on yours. This time only being the first of many.
Feeling beautiful was something he was good at making you feel. That made you smile most. HE made you happy.

●●●●●●●end of flashback ●●●●●●

“I think what scared him most about you. Was not ever getting to see you smile again. To hear your laugh.” Sam spoke.

You came back to reality which only made things hurt more. Made you see that Dean really was gone.

“Sam, can I be alone for awhile.” You asked with a trembling voice.

You couldn’t see that he was looking at you with a worried expression but he nodded and rubbed your back.
“Yeah. Course. I’ll be right outside if you need anything.” With that he got up, leaned down and kissed your head. Walking out the door and closing it.

Now it was just you with your thoughts. Great.

‘He’s gone and this time it’s forever. Stop, just please stop. Why because you don’t want to hear the truth? No, it’s just- . He’s probably better off dead than with you anyways, y/n. Stop it! No! I want you to listen to me and listen closely. Dean’s gone and he’s never coming back. But it’s okay because he was probably getting sick and tired of you. You are a waste-.’

“STOP!” you yelled.
Taking a deep breathe you wiped the tears that had fallen
Looking at the room only made you miss him more. The smell of him still stained the sheets and the old black shirt with all his jackets and plaid, that you loved so damn much, still sitting in the opened closet. His ipod and headphones that lied on the night stand.

You looked at the ipod for awhile and then stood up and grabbed it.
Putting the headphones over your head and set them comfortably over your ears.

You could feel him. That’s fantantic, another thing that’ll drive you nuts.

You pressed play and listened to the last song that he was listening to.

《And I’d give up forever to touch you
‘Cause I know that you feel me somehow
You’re the closest to heaven that I’ll ever be
And I don’t wanna go home right now》

You closed your eyes and let the lyrics flow.
Only feeling as though the words related to the love he had for you.

《And all I can taste is this moment
And all I can breathe is your life
When sooner or later it’s over
I just don’t wanna miss you tonight》

《And I don’t want the world to see me
‘Cause I don’t think that they’d understand
When everything’s made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am》

《And you can’t fight the tears that ain’t coming
Or the moment of truth in your lies
When everything feels like the movies
Yeah, you bleed just to know you’re alive》

《And I don’t want the world to see me
'Cause I don’t think that they’d understand
When everything’s made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am》

God, you missed him. All of him.
The way he seemed to genuinely care about you.
The way he looked at you intensely and focused on your heart beat.
The was he said your name.
The way his scent was familiar.
The way he laughed.
The way he fought for the loves he loved.
The way he that smile made his eye crinkle.
The way he made you feel beautiful in every way possible.
The way he loved you even if he already knew about how hurt and broken you’d been.

《And I don’t want the world to see me
'Cause I don’t think that they’d understand
When everything’s made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am》

It felt as though the song was meant for you to hear. From him. Like a message. A note.

《And I don’t want the world to see me
'Cause I don’t think that they’d understand
When everything’s made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am》

He tried to hide his pain. He tired to hide behind the guilt and hurt. He wanted to be brave for everyone.
And even if he never knew it himself. He had faith. He was just scared to say it. He was hanging on whatever hope that was left in him.
And you. YOU saw him. The real him.

And you still loved him. That’s why he loved you. Because even though he was broken and damaged, you managed to slowly pick up the pieces and little by little you put him back together.

《I just want you to know who I am
I just want you to know who I am
I just want you to know who I am》

●●●●●●●●●●●●●●●●●●●

“Y/N, hey I’m gonna get us some food. You want anything? Sam said cautiously walking into your room.

“Y/N?” Still no answer.

You weren’t in there.

Sam started to panic. 'Where the hell could you have been? What were you doing? ’

Throwing stuff around the room and calling your cell. It was all seeming hopeless.
That’s when he found a note in the drawer of the night stand.

'Sam,

I’m going to find out how to get Dean back. I can’t do this life without him. I need him and he needs me. I’m sorry.

Love,
Y/N’

“Dammit, y/n.” Sam yelled.
How the hell was she going to bring him-

“What’s going on, Sammy?” A voice Sam never thought he’d he again.

“Sammy? Where’s y/n?” He said.

“Sam!” He yelled at Sam to get him to answer him.

“Dean?” Sam breathed out.

“Where is she?” Dean said weakly.

●●●●●●●●●●●●●●●●●●●

Please Don’t (part 3)

Part four will be up soon! Feed back is greatly appreciated and thank you guys for reading my new series. Thank you, loves.
P.S. Sorry if part 3 is kinda short, but I’ll make up for it later!

______________________________

“Y/N! Wake up, baby! Wake up!” Dean screamed. You were so far out of reach and it was all because of him. If he hadn’t pushed you away. If he didn’t hurt you. If he hadn’t broke you into pieces, you’d still be here. You’d still be breathing and alive. But right now that was all on the line and out of Deans hands.

——————–

“Mr. Winchester?” The doctor calls out to the people waiting in the lobby. Deans’ head shot up. “Yes! Yes, that’s me. Is she okay? Is she alive? Is she-” he got cut off by the doctor. “She’s stable. She won’t be able to go home for another couple of days, but she’ll be fine.” Dean looked over at Sam and shook his head.
“Thank god. Can I see her?” He asked with a shaky voice. “Absolutely.”

The doctor opened the door and Dean pecked in. Your body looked lifeless. Cuts and bruises covers your face and legs.
You were so vulnerable.
You were broken and torn apart because of him.
You were here because of his stupid mistakes.
You were here because he hurt you in ways he can’t fix.
You were here because of him.

Sam watched his brother stare at your body. He could see the guilt pulsating off his body. He knew Dean was blaming himself for this happening to you. He knew he never forgive himself for putting you here.

“Dean, you know this isn’t your fa-” “Don’t. Sammy. Just don’t.” He shut Sam up. He stood over you and touched your hand. He could still feel that warm spark that spread throughout his body when he made contact with your skin. He leaned down and pressed a soft kiss on you lips still feeling the passion and the love you both shared for each other. That spark. He felt it.

But he was so scared to get near you. After everything he had done. After all of it, he couldn’t push you away an further. He was scared.

“I’m gonna get us some coffee.” Sam said as he walked out of your from and closed the door.

Dean pulled the chair closer to your bed. He stayed quiet and listened to your soft breathing and again lost in his own thoughts.

‘Look at her. Look. Look at what you did. This. This is your fault. She’s here because of you. She’s broken and hurt because you decided push her away. You did this! You killed her!’

“I’m sorry!” Dean yelled. He realized he could have woken you up so he just sits there. Dean puts his head down trying to think of something else but his thoughts seemed to not want that.

‘Sorry isn’t ever going to be enough and you know it. She’s not going to look at you the same way and she’s never going to love you again. She’s not ever gonna forgive you! She will never-’

“Stop doing that, Dean.” Deans’ head shot up to see your beautiful eyes look at him. You were awake.

“Y/N.” He whispered as a smile spread across his cheeks.

Dean stood up and cupped your cheeks.

You couldn’t help but to stare at his beautiful green grass eyes. The beautiful eyes that told the thousands of stories of how much pain and love he held within his heart. All the passion and strength. The eyes that looked into your soul and made you feel like the most beautiful girl he’d ever seen. The eyes that made you feel infinite.
But it’s those same eyes that hurt you and made you build up those walls that broke them down in the first place. The same eyes that took your heart away, and then tore it into pieces and left you feeling like nothing. Absolutely nothing.

“You’re awake, sweetheart. Oh my god, I thought I’d lost you-” he stopped talking when he felt you pull both his hands away from your face.
“You did lose me, Dean.”

He pulled away and stepped back. “I’m so sorry, sweetheart. I-” “You think 'sorry’ is going to fix this!” You yelled at him. He stopped talking and just stared at you.
“You think that after everything. Everything you did to me. After all those years of breaking down those wall I had built up. You told me, Dean! You told me you would never hurt me! Y-you think-” your voice was shaking and you couldn’t speak because you knew you would break down. And you didn’t want him to see you cry. You didn’t want him to see you at your weakest.

“Y-you think just because you"Y-you think just because you show up here, it’ll all gonna be okay? Am I really that stupid to you?” You questioned.
“What? No! Not once did I think you were stupid.” Dean tried to get close but you flinched. That broke him.

“You cheated on me, Dean.” You spoke softly. He could hear how broke you were.
“Baby-” the door opened.

“Sorry to interrupt, but the doctor says you can leave now. She has to stay in bed though. No fun for either of you.” The nurse joked.

He turn to you after the door closed again.

“Sweetheart, listen-” Dean stopped. “Just take me home, Dean. I just wanna go home.” You looked away from those eyes.
Missing them already.

——————————–

Two weeks later

You and Dean hadn’t talk since you got back from the hospital. And in total honesty it was killing both of you.

You both missed each other’s touch and the closeness. You both missed how amazing your lips tasted and the fire that arose from the warmth of each other’s skin. You both missed the slow but beautiful sex and then cuddling against each other while whispering sweet nothings into the others ear. You both missed how good it felt to be wanted and seen by the other.
You both missed each other. But that will never be the same. Never.

Dean meant a lot to you. He made you feel things you’d never felt before. He made you want things you never thought you’d ever want. He made you see that even in a world of evil and pain, there is still love and hope. He made you feel beautiful in every way possible. He broke down those wall you built up.
He cared for you.
He held you.
He kissed you.
He touched you.
He spoke to you.
He wanted you.

He loved you.

It was about 2 in the morning when you were walking out of your room to get water from the kitchen.
The cold floor working its way to the rest of your body leaving you in chills.

You open the fridge and grab a bottle of water and sit at the table just staring into nothingness.
Now your thoughts fills the quiet room.

'You’re so weak. No wonder Dean cheated. You can’t even be in a quiet room without thinking about him. Thats pathetic. You’re pathetic. Look at yourself. You’re not beautiful. You’re not at all attractive and god you’re fucked up. He cheated because he wanted to look at someone who wouldn’t make him gag. You deserved this.’

“Stop!” Tears streaming your face and you escaped your thoughts.
“Sweetheart?” Dean’s soft voice brought you back to reality.
“Sorry, Dean. I-I didn’t mean to wake you up. I’ll just go back to bed.” You got up and before you could walk out of the room he grabbed your arm. “Don’t apologize, baby.” You put your head down and sobbed.
Dean picked up your chin and looked at you. He wiped off the tears and leaned down to your ear.
“By the way, Dean says hi.”
You were confused. You looked up.

Black eyes.

______________ (Should I keep going?)