i don't even know how to properly express myself about all this

how I see the signs and what I want them to know
  • (side note - View of a Virgo rising, Leo sun in the 12th, Libra moon in 2nd, mercury Cancer in 11th, venus Leo in 12th, mars Leo in 11th)
  • Aries: was once my best friend, she made literally everything in my life brighter and always helped me to just enjoy things and stop worrying all the time. Also great hugs. Just simply has that energy, wherever it may be - physically, mentally, staying up until you binge watched that show, giving you their last money so you can get yourself something to eat before you starve to death, always down for a talk and a walk even if they had a packed schedule. Please don't miss out on times when you just have to take a day off to get your beautiful and strong energy back. I care about your health so please don't forget to eat properly and don't miss out on that quality time if needed.
  • Taurus: a girl from my drama class and my little sisters moon sign, I am just so in love with your sense for aesthetic. Total sunshines. I feel like I can always rely on you, super compassionate and knows how to make you feel comfortable when youre not. I love that when you have a goal in your mind, you will give your everything to achieve that! Also so humble but like I want you so desperately to know how beautiful I think you are!! I enjoy your company a lot. Please don't be afraid of changes, I know that's such a mainstream thing to write for Taurus but I really do believe that maybe sometimes you need to be reminded that life can also begin at the end of your comfort zone.
  • Gemini: a guy and a girl from biology class, I am literally stunned at how much these people know. Eloquent fluffballs. I could listen to you spreading knowledge 24/7, make great jokes in my opinion and just kind of knows... everyone?? Get along with so many people, can be very chill but also full of energy when they're talking about things they are interested in. Also fun-fact kings and queens. Please remind yourself to stay loyal to your true friends, you may know many people with whom you get along with so well and for sure everyone is intersting in their own way, but it's very possible to feel lonely in a crowd. Your closest friends will always get you out of that and help you, I promise.
  • Cancer: a close friend of mine, literally the most caring person I've ever met. Actual comedians. I don't know I just straight up fell in love with your humour. All the Cancers I know have or had some extreme physical problems going on, please get well soon if you read this and you're also not feeling well. Mentally on the next level, strong and kind of unbreakable. Don't hide their feelings because they just know that when you bottle up your feelings it's never going to end well. They just get you and will be there for you no matter what. Please take care of yourself just as well as you do with your friends and family, you are a true blessing and it's definitely okay to rant or cry or just let it all out.
  • Leo: my english teacher and a guy I used to be close with, very often completely misunderstood and taken for granted, which can lead to unhealthy behaviour. Will make you feel great after a plain shit day. I strive to be this talented at just expressing myself or being confident, even if you just want the world to think you are confident when you're actually not. Cuddly queens and kings. Better not hurt their pride because it took them a lot of time to actually get to that level and in a world where people hate on you for loving yourself, to them it feels like, despite all their work, they are not worth of loving themselves. Please don't forget that although sometimes it's hard to look in the mirror and like what you see, there are caring and warm-hearted people who love you just the way you are.
  • Virgo: a girl in my class I simply adore, I always annoy you with my endless compliments. Kind of just in love with these down-to-earth and sweet people. Either super chill or worried a lot, I wish I could just hug you until you feel less stressed. Smol but strong beans you can learn a lot from. So reliable, I actually hate doing group projects and always want to do everything myself but since you share that opinion we created something I was really proud of and now we always do them together. Please remember that passion is something you shouldn't be ashamed of, you simply don't have to be because it's something you love and your needs are valid. Also dreaming big, it's possible, especially for you so why not?
  • Libra: a girl I recently got to know and am already completely amazed by, literal social butterflies who sometimes only know in hindsight how much they enjoyed the company of someone because they adapt so easily and it's rare to find someone where you can just simply be yourself. Love how they view life and that they make me want to talk more. Very open and you never feel excluded because they just know how to include everyone. Please don't forget to remind yourself who you truly are and not to lose yourself in another person, because there really is only one you no matter how good you are at adapting to literally every social situation, you are amazing and I want you to be comfortable as well.
  • Scorpio: my dad and my ex boyfriend's mom, two very caring peole in their own way. I always love how sharp their sarcasm can be. Can comfort extremely well when they want to. So many secrets and things to know about them that I can lose myself in them wanting to explore whats actually behind their shell. Teaches you life lessons. Please don't forget that humans aren't flawless and that's completely okay. You don't have to hold onto old grudges, communication is key and talking about these things, confronting these people who did you wrong will help you grow as a person.
  • Sagittarius: an old friend of mine, very cute people who get interested in so many things and they are so versatile and adventurous I absolutely love their lively nature. Memes™. Total dorks you can fall for in a second. Are actually the best partners to just talk to about anything because they will be interested and share their opinion with you. Please remind yourself that cutting off people can be a very wise decision and you don't have to keep up with everyones shit if that's just not what you're in for.
  • Capricorn: I am literally so attracted to these people it's unreal, although I kind of always think that they don't like me...... anyways, my bigger twin sisters are caps and they are humble souls who really had to fight for a lot in life sadly. So proud of you. Keep up with the hard work, you really deserve everything. So realistic and pure I have heart eyes. Supportive and extremely loyal. Will stand up for you if you need it. Straight face™ but still manages to make even the most serious people laugh. Please remind yourself to not overdo it with the work, take a day off to relax and let yourself go maybe, even if it's hard - with the right people you don't ever have to be afraid of being yourself.
  • Aquarius: my ex boyfriend whom I had a crush on for like 4 years, teached me great life lessons. Will always have a weakness for aquas, they just attract me so much, how much of a fluffy dork can you be tbh? Capacity of acceptance is incredible. So much fun to be with. Are kind of just good at everything? You can talk to them about anything, it won't feel weird, they won't question it and just talk to you about that topic. So friendly, an underrated trait in my opinion, just complete and simple friendliness you enjoy to the fullest. Please remind yourself to let people not only see your amazing shell but also your stunning core, there are people who love to talk about the same things you love and nothing about you is weird, you are special and I absolutely love it.
  • Pisces: a very sweet guy I've been texting with for the past months, very open minded and also have that sensitivity I strive to have. Very inspirational smol puppy. Actual daydreamers™, may be late to school but love deeply and would never neglect your love. Kind of hate almost everything that's planned out? (I'm sorry I just love to plan things out) will hug you no matter what. Does not fear to dream big, is very talented at artsy stuff in my opinion. Please don't forget that even if it seems hard, and yes our school system is kind of very bad,we get to have that education and your dreams will be reality if you work hard enough to achieve them. You have so much potential, please don't ever waste it.
Robron fandom ramble

I’ve been feeling a little overwhelmed with the Robron / Emmerdale fandom lately. It’s like I’m actually overwhelmed by how many talented people we have in this fandom (not necessarily in a bad way - it’s a good problem to have, really) - it’s like nothing I’ve ever really seen before.

My previous fandom was a lot smaller, and while there were many great people within it once upon a time, there weren’t many “voices”. There were probably only a handful of people who actually spoke about stuff (myself included), and everyone who did speak had pretty specific styles and voices and each of us seemed to have a role, which balanced things out. There was something for everyone, really, and the fact that there were so few of us who actually had things to say made it all so manageable, if that makes sense.

With this fandom it’s different. There are SO MANY people here, and so many who are just…..amazing. I don’t feel like there are any “big names”, or fandom “celebs” - I feel like there are too many amazingly talented people for those kinds of labels.

There are the people that make insane gifs and edits and artwork, there are the people that write beautiful fanfic and headcanons and meta and some wonderful freaks of nature who can do all of those things. There are those that theorise and can look back over episodes with such care and attention, there are those that speculate and are positive and level-headed and those who, even when having a total fangirl moment writing all in capital letters freaking the fuck out, can still write so wonderfully, can put a point across so beautifully, without even trying.

Whether it’s just a small text post with just one little paragraph (or even one sentence!) or a huge essay about Aaron or Robert or their relationship or the show in general, the level of talent displayed in this fandom literally blows my fucking mind.

It is a privilege to be a part of, but at the same time it makes me question my place here, it makes me feel like a drop in the ocean, it makes me a little insecure, because in my old fandom I was one of a few, my voice was loud because nobody was really shouting with me, but now I don’t really have a role, there are people far more talented than me, and sometimes I think of something to say but I see someone has said the same thing, albeit in a much briefer, purer, simpler yet wonderful way, or someone has said it with far more depth and beauty than I feel I could ever convey, and it makes me feel a little insignificant, which is hard when coming from a fandom where, for some time, I was considered quite significant.

And I know these are my own insecurities, my own paranoia, and it’s not a competition, and nobody has ever done anything to make me feel this way; if anything, people have been nothing but lovely, kind and encouraging towards me, people have been supportive or things I have written (actually, I have also been totally overwhelmed by how well-received some things I have written have been), and I feel like I’ve made some pretty great fandom-pals here, on all kinds of levels; I adore that one minute someone can be having a silly little “war” over a ship name, and the next they can be writing something serious and beautifully poetic, that we can all go from daft and fun and fangirly one minute to serious and mature essay-writers the next.

It’s amazing. I adore how versatile everyone is. I love how talented everyone is. Sometimes I can only sit back in awe, scroll through my dash and reblog the living crap out of all of these epic posts, whether they’re a funny little text/gif post or a mammoth essay about where a storyline is going, or a beautifully put together gif-set or an amazing piece of art.

Sometimes it actually BLOWS MY MIND. And as I said before, it’s like nothing I’ve ever experienced in any fandom I have ever been in.

I was on the fringes of the Robron/Emmerdale fandom from the very start, as I’ve been on tumblr since 2010 (I DON’T KNOW HOW EITHER) and would search #Emmerdale now and then to see if there was anything (answer: there was always literally nothing until Robron was born). It took a while for me to properly throw myself into the fandom myself and use my own voice; for so long I was just a reblogger, who contributed nothing of my own (and there is nothing wrong with that, fans/fandom members like that are just as valid) - I’m someone who has never liked to spread myself too thin and at the time I was clinging to my old fandom and still trying to make an effort within that, even though it was dying and I wasn’t particularly happy there, but I’m loyal to a fault and it took me a while to let go.

And honestly, falling deeply into this fandom, just becoming brave enough to use my voice and say what I wanted to say about characters and a show I have loved for more than a decade, was the best thing I have done in recent years. At first I felt out of place; all the fans seemed really new (which I thought was amazing but also a little intimidating) and I was genuinely insecure that people wouldn’t like me because I’d been around the show long before Robron (in hindsight I could see that was totally stupid of me to think that, but paranoia/insecurity is a fun thing lmao) but I was amazed at how quickly people welcomed me and even reached out to me and made an effort with me - and how there were plenty of older fans, just like me, too.

And it’s been quite some time now since I’ve been in deep, and I feel like I know so many of you even though not all of us have spoken about too much outside of our amazing show and ship.

What I’m trying to say is, you’re all fucking amazing, and I appreciate every one of you. Whether you’ve been watching the show for 48248 years or 3 months, you’re fucking awesome.

I get overwhelmed because I want to follow everyone, but I’ve always been scared of following too many people and then missing stuff because my dash is too busy. I’ve been on tumblr almost 7 years and I still only follow 394 people (and tbh, I reckon at least a hundred of those are since the Robron fandom was born) - and yet every day it seems like a new name pops up, having written something amazing, and I’m like “where did you spring from?!”, and I have to give them a follow, and it’s like…..WOW.

I could tag a whole bunch of people who I find ridiculously amazingly talented but I’d be here all fucking day, and I couldn’t possibly list everyone, and then I’d feel bad for everyone who I’d missed so….I won’t.

So as arse-kissy as this post might sound, I just want to say a giant THANK YOU to everyone who contributes to this fandom, on any scale, in any capacity….thank you. And thank you to those that follow me too; it makes me feel genuinely proud and I know it’s something I really need to hang on to when I’m feeling down on myself. All your kind words mean more to me than I could ever properly express and I need to hold onto that forever because sometimes I really, really need it.

So…..there were are. Keep doing what you’re all doing. Know that even if I give your post a reblog without saying anything too profound in response, whether in a reply or a message or even a tag (writing stuff in tags on reblogs to someone’s post is so important!!), just know it’s because I’m probably just feeling overwhelmed by how fucking awesome I think you are.

I have no idea where this has come from really, apart from this is just how I’ve been feeling lately, but in a nutshell….I love you. I love all of you. Even if I haven’t agreed with everything you’ve said, I still probably love you. I respect all of you. I’m overwhelmed and intimidated by all of your talents. Thank you for being amazing. KEEP DOING WHAT YOU’RE DOING. Keep this fandom the best fucking fandom I’ve ever been in. Keep spreading the love and the positivity and the excitement, because by god, the next month or so of life in this fandom is going to be WILD and I’m so happy to be here going on this ride with you.

As always with my long posts; if you get to the end, thank you. This only makes me love you all the more.

PEACE AND LOVE

Originally posted by justleavemebreathless

andtheskywas-all-violet  asked:

Hi! there's a meta going around talking about Cersei and motherhood and such. and it basically says that she is a terrible mother and does not love her children. but at the same time it implies Jaime is a good father lol now it's clear Cersei is not mother of the year. she does love herself and power above all else. but to me it's unfair to say she doesn't love her children just bc she doesn't show maternal love in a way we usually expect.

Hi, love :)

 I have been saying that Cersei is a multifaceted, contradictory, complex, interesting character who happens to be very difficult to understand since the first day I got into this blighted website so I am not gonna repeat it again. Everybody here knows she’s my favourite character in existence and I’ve always defended her I love her more than I love most real people. So now that I’ve stated the obvious let’s begin:

1) Cersei is not a good mother. As far as I know, being a bad mother and loving your children desperately are not mutually exclusive. In fact, it’s more common than it should be. To be honest, I’d not like Cersei to be my mum, if Cersei was a real person I’d want her as far away from me as possible. I’ve already talked about Joffrey and his behaviour and personality and even though I will always say that Cersei is not entirely to blame, she has played her part. She spoiled him, she never tried to stop him, she never wanted to acknowledge the fact that something was wrong with her first born and she tried to compensate Robert’s apathy and downright scorn by loving him too much. That’s a really fucked up combination, if you ask me. 

Tommen is a little boy who is sweet and innocent and totally not ready to rule. She is not particularly understanding, she is harsh and she neglects to give him the support and love he needs. 

2) She loves her children. Cersei wants power and her ambition is huge. She is not the best mother but she loves them and narcissism is not the only reason as some may suggest. She genuinely loves Joffrey despite everything he did and she never was the same person after his death. She is terrified about Tommen’s future, she sees enemies everywhere and she loses it when he starts coughing because she thinks he’s choking. She needed to be with Tommen so much, she was so worried that she performes the walk of atonement. She doesn’t want Myrcella to undergo the same experiences she had to live, she wants her daughter to be with her and not be a part of the game far away from her, she doesn’t want Myrcella to be a brood mare. She doesn’t know how to express it, she is not a perfect mother and she definitely does really fucked up things but she loves her children in her own broken way. Is that enough? Of course not. Love is not enough. 

3) WHY DOES SHE DO THAT? WHY IS SHE THE WAY SHE IS?

  • Her father was, indeed, a shitty parent. Cersei doesn’t know how to express her love properly and she strongly believes that respect and fear come in an indivisible pack and we all know Tywin was Not Great™ at giving emotional support. She’s just putting into practice what she learned and please, don’t forget that she considers herself to be Tywin’s true heir so… let’s just put two and two together, shall we? daddy issues are definitely a Lannister trait.
  • Narcissism is KEY. I’ve been saying this for years so this is going to surprise no one but Cersei and Jaime’s relationship is based, in part, on narcissism. They mirror each other, they believe they’re a different gender version of each other and that’s just their fantasy. Cersei loves herself and she loves Jaime because he looks like her. They’re each other’s equals and that’s why they love each other. That’s toxic and fucked up and I LOVE it and it’s not that different when it comes to her children. She considers them extensions of herself and taking into account the role of women in Westeros, she is very much aware of the fact that they’re the only way she has to obtain power for herself. Cersei is not only a mother. She wants power and she has a great ambition. She is the rightful heir and she was robbed of her rights again and again just because she doesn’t have a penis and she’s angry about that and she uses every tool in order to have power. Joffrey was her key to the iron throne and now it’s Tommen’s turn. She wants to rule through them since she’s unable to do it herself thanks to some stupid rules. She’s angry and rightfuly so but still that’s not the best way to be a parent.
  • Joffrey, Myrcella and Tommen are Jaime’s children too. She also loves them because of that. She was able to decide over her body, she made a choice and decided who was gonna be the father and she’s proud of that. It’s a huge “fuck you Robert” and you cannot blame her for that. It is also another proof of how much she loves Jaime AND how proud she is of her heritage. They’re 100% Lannister material and that makes her love them even more.
  • SHE IS HURTING. Especially after Joffrey’s death she is not herself anymore. She’s scared and angry and she feels helpless while the prophecy starts to loom over her. She is unhinged and she considers everyone an enemy so that’s why she tries to toughten Tommen up. She remembers Joffrey and she idealizes him and wishes Tommen was a little bit more like him. She really believes that making her son harder and crueller is gonna keep him away from danger, she believes he will be able to defend himself. She truly believes she’s doing the right thing.

She is not perfect. WE KNOW IT. She may not be the best mother out there but she fiercely loves her children. She has many reasons because there are many ways of reading her chapters and all of those reasons can be taken into account simultaneously and everything is a mess because, let’s be real, we’re talking about Cersei Lannister here.I understand why she does what she does but she’s not a good mother and her children are the victims here. Does this mean I don’t like her? Hell, I love her. I see this and I love her. I enjoy this character more than any other but she’s extremely problematic and every single relationship she has is toxic as fuck. I’ve always known that and it doesn’t keep me from loving her so I actually do not see the problem. I do not understand the controversy here. 

And now…

4) Saint Jaime. This won’t take long, I promise.

This is like the story of a divorce. One parent stays with the children and they have to raise them and take care of them and deal with them everyday and fix their messes. They have to make decisions and be worried about the kids every single fucking day of their life because that’s their fucking responsability. They may suck at it but they’re there and they try. They make mistakes but they’re the ones who are there at night when the children catch a cold and they’re running a fever. Meanwhile the other half of the couple is living the dream most of the time and when they sporadically visit the children everything is smiles and sunshine because they only have to put up with the kids for a few hours a month. Eventually, the children decide that the parent who has to yell at them and ground them is not cool at all and they prefer the person who comes once a month and is all patience and joy because pretending for a couple of hours is not that hard.

The cool parent here is Jaime.

The children seem to be a huge part of the fandom.

I hope I’ve made myself clear but in any case I’m gonna try to be clearer: Jaime doesn’t give a flying fuck about parenting. Being nice once doesn’t make you a good dad just the same way that loving your children fiercely doesn’t make you a good mum. 

For You

So I wrote a James and Sharna fic! I worked hard to make it right and to make it feel realistic and actually plausible. Hopefully I was successful! I had no idea what to call it, so the title is kinda eh, but oh well 

The whole evening was actually James’ idea. He figured that after a week of stress and hard work and way too much worrying, they all deserved a night off. And because he didn’t have any better ideas, it would be a movie night. He let the girls pick the movie and it was, as he told them with a wrinkled nose, a “total chick flick.” But he didn’t care. He would have slept through anything after the week they all had, so the movie didn’t really matter.

James had already dozed off twice before they even started the movie and Jenna was quite amused by it.

“You’re pathetic. You know that, right?” she teased from her spot on the chair in the corner of the room.

“Tired,” James mumbled, not even bothering to open his eyes.

He was on one end of the couch, his head falling onto his shoulder every couple minutes. Sharna was stretched across the rest of the couch, her phone in her hands, but glancing at the movie every once in a while.

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Important Firsts: Sugakookie 2/?

2.    The first time you tell someone else that you love like them

Taehyung and Jungkook’s movie nights are an age old tradition in the Bangtan household. Everyone knows that any Friday night where the boys don’t have a schedule is a Friday night that the two youngest members spend sprawled over Jungkook’s bed under a pile of blankets, eating whatever junk food they managed to raid from Jin’s cabinet and binge watching movies. For the most part, Jungkook and Taehyung are left completely alone by the other members and since Namjoon always comes back home quite late when he’s out working in the studio, their movie nights are one of the only times when the two can kick back and talk to each other without any inhibitions or worries that the other members will hear them.

(Or best bros Taekook talking about Jungkook’s feelings for Yoongi)


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okay i’m just going to be /that person/ and basically copy and paste my tags from top’s (@obviouslymeandyouexcellent post regarding context, fandom, and the aims of ‘truth slash fiction’ into a separate post because i’m still angry and i’m not quite in the right headspace to express myself properly but here it goes:

can i just say that it pisses me off that they’re making a lot of people feel like their safe space is going to be taken away? by putting a magnifying glass on this, a whole bunch of closeted people in this fandom are suddenly going to feel very very exposed. 

because that’s going to be a huge part of the show: talking about the sexuality of the fans and their discovery of their own queer sexuality through fic. and if they say they’re basing it on US, then every one of us whose friends or families know we’re fans - but who don’t know we’re in the closet - are suddenly going to be very aware of the fact that a lot of the fans aren’t straight either. and i can already anticipate the uncomfortable questions from people who hear about this irl. 

the same goes for all of the wonderful fic writers in this fandom. they just shoved a giant spotlight on a bunch of fics and listed them BY NAME WITHOUT CONSULTING ANY OF THE AUTHORS FIRST. just think of how much worse it’s going to get if this show ever makes it to the air! i already feel like my safe space is being violated. i have no desire to feel embarrassed about my fic too. because you just know that despite their best intentions, we’re going to be crucified for this in the press and by the people who know us in real life.

this show feels so invasive and it threatens my own feeling of safety and comfort in this fandom (never mind how it must make the boys themselves feel). the showrunners claim to be ~doing us proud~ but they’re not actually listening to us. 

none of those fic authors were consulted before their work was publicly discussed and dissected outside of the fandom, nor did the creators of the show bother to actually talk to them about why they write fic/the process/their relationship with fandom (which, you know, considering the show is supposed to be ABOUT US is PRETTY FUCKING IMPORTANT).

they’ve never taken the time to actually to talk to us or get to know us - not just as a fandom, but as a group of people united by an overwhelming love of these boys and a desire for them to finally get the freedom they deserve.

they know nothing about who we really are or why we’re really here. we’re just another subculture for them to exploit for their own gains. they’re probably thinking about how ~unique~ their concept is and how it’s pushing the boundaries, but have they even stopped for a moment to consider all the people who are going to be affected negatively by this in real life (including louis and harry)?

 they’re threatening our safe space and the place that makes us happy because they want to make money off of us and exploit us and i will never be okay with that.

-theywerewrong  asked:

I have a big problem with insecurity. I can see any other female and I automatically compare myself to them. I don't understand how I can hate myself so much. I've prayed about it, but I still feel so down.

“Comparison is the thief of joy.” -Theodore Roosevelt.

It adds no value, meaning, or fulfillment to our lives, it deprives us from joy.

I’ve struggled with it most of my life. I’ve suffered from low self-esteem pretty much always. I used to find literally anything as proof that another girl is ‘better than me’. I still can’t believe the number of years I had spent feeling unhappy about something that didn’t even have any validity to begin with. It was just all in my head.

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we’ll never be royals

genre: fluff au, embodiment of pretentious

warnings: nonE

word count: 2k

summary: prompt by @faicotone on @phanfic:

 royalty au where phil’s the kind handsome prince and dan’s a poor commoner who dreams of becoming world class musician. phil’s parents hold a ball so he can meet his suitors, but he ends up falling for the pianist instead.

a/n: this is lowkey a mess but it’s a cute mess and i don’t 100% hate it.

i actually ended up writing a 13k word version of this too just because i felt like it so if you’re interested in reading that as well the link is here (x). otherwise, enjoy another fluff au brought to you by me :)

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I saw a prompt the other day that kind of struck a chord and I really wanted to write a fic for it. The prompt was: Person A meets Person B when they walk in on Person B having a nervous breakdown on the floor of the bathroom in a cafe. They forgot to lock the door to the bathroom they were using. What happens next and why they had the breakdown is up to you.

As I can’t speak for anyone else but myself, Harry’s panic attack is what I experience when I have one. Eggsy’s part will be written shortly :)


Harry can feel it happening before it does.

The shortening of his breath, the tightening of his chest, the tremors beginning in his gut. All because of a couple dropped i-beams at a construction site down the street. Harry closes his eyes and takes a slow breath and then another one but the trembling is only getting worse. When he opens his eyes again, the world is still the same but he suddenly doesn’t feel apart of it anymore. He is…distant. Removed. The little cafe he sits outside of is lovely, with its outdoor seating shaded by pink flowering cherry trees and removed from the main streets by a park on one side and houses on the other. Save for the construction down the block, it’s a quiet location on a quiet day. Yet if feels like he is looking at it through a snow-globe.  

All he knows is the thundering crash in his ears, morphing into rumbling explosions and the memory of bone-searing heat.

“Merlin,” he says calmly even though he thinks he’s going to be torn apart from the inside out, “I’ve been compromised.” A quick glance at his watch tells him the contact is due in twenty minutes and he’s not going to make it.

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anonymous asked:

Royai and 11 or 13, please?

Anon, this is… certainly not what you had in mind. Yes, I just know. But I hope you enjoy it nonetheless. Even if it’s longer than originally intended.

send me a number and a ship  //  11. can you hear me



“Slow night, Elizabeth?”

I’m going to ask something very difficult of you, Captain.

That’s how she was after an officer from Aerugo who was secretly working with the Ishvalan separatists. They had gotten orders from Central to handle this with maximum discretion. Which Roy had interpreted as, take him out as quickly as possible. Since Aerugo denied all current involvement with Ishval, they wouldn’t be able to explain such a case to the public.

That’s how Riza was in Ishval with her rifle once more.

Roy’s plan involved her, Breda, Fuery… and Scar of all people. Scar, everyone suspected, dreamed of an independent Ishval free from Amestrian rule just as much as any of the separatists. But Scar, Riza was almost certain, despised the separatists more than anyone. Creating tension, perpetuating prejudices, pushing for war. Hatred leading to hatred. Roy had thought the same, and their suspicions were confirmed when Scar begrudgingly agreed to be part of the mission. Scar became the spy they didn’t ask for, and it said a great deal about his reputation that the separatist leaders weren’t suspicious.

That’s how Scar was asked to cite the target in a designated spot during the night, to supposedly discuss his knowledge of Major Miles’s activities. The area was clear; Riza and Breda had scanned it hours earlier. She’d been keeping watch ever since, so unless they’d missed anything, the foreigner didn’t suspect anything.

Not a defenseless civilian, Riza reminded herself. My target is a spy from a different country, seeking to destroy our own from the inside.

“I cannot complain,” she said. “I was expecting it to be crowded, but it looks we’re going to be alone.”

“I could come over and keep you company.”

“Feeling lonely, Roy?” It was easy to be playful, when he was such an excellent lead. “I can assure that having me on the phone will do well enough for company.”

That’s how they’d ended up connected to the civilian grid, which had taken three years and a massive effort to build. The line, still new in Ishval, rarely worked properly and it was being used mostly within the military. Fuery could even work it to their advantage, making the call nearly impossible to trace. It was more than enough. It was, in fact, still too dangerous. But Roy, feeling so inadequate, so dejected back in East City, had insisted on installing a line. At first Riza protested, but she had to admit that their banter was helping her concentrate.

“You can say you miss me, Elizabeth. It’s fine.” That was no lie.

“Wishful thinking, Roy Mustang. It suits you.”

“Well, a man can dream.”

Before she could think of an answer, a figure approached the meeting point from her right. Riza looked through the scope, but the insufficient light didn’t give her any useful information.

“Wait a minute, we have a customer. I think I know him. Kate, what do you think?”

Fuery, behind her with the equipment, spoke on a different line.

“Do we know this guy?”

Riza kept her eyes on the figure that approached Scar in the darkness, then looked through the scope as he slowed down. She had a clear shot, but she needed to wait for Breda’s confirmation as he carefully watched from a closer spot.

“It’s him,” Fuery told her.

“It’s him,” she repeated, then hesitated. Roy had planned carefully, down to the last detail, yet he hadn’t thought of giving Scar a codename. “Our new girl is greeting him.”

“Your new girl?”

“You’ve met her. Fairly pleasant. Wouldn’t hurt a fly.”

Fuery snickered quietly, and then Roy’s ringing laughter soothing her enough to dispel all the tension she had accumulated in the last few minutes.

That’s how she got the trust she was missing, that trust that always faltered, but never proved wrong.

“I must go greet him properly. It shouldn’t take long.”

“Ah, Elizabeth. Always giving such good service to those who deserve it. I’m proud of you.”

Warmth settled in her chest. Roy was not only reminding her of the righteousness of their mission, but acknowledging the fact that this wasn’t easy for her.

Thank you, sir.

“You’re speaking nonsense, Roy Mustang,” she said. “Have you been drinking again?”

Again? Why, Elizabeth, I’m offen—”

The call fell. Fuery let out an exasperated sigh. She imitated him, more calmly. Breathe in, then out, holding that position as she made sure that the forehead of the target was right in the middle of her scope. That Scar couldn’t possibly get hurt.

And then, she pulled the trigger. The sound spread and echoed along the deserted streets. Her chest hurt. Blood splashed out as the target stumbled. Then he fell. Riza closed her eyes. Yet another life taken by her hand. Another corpse without a tombstone. Another soul waiting for her in hell.

This is the enemy. This is what I’m here to do.

“I can’t get us back on. I fear we could’ve been intercepted,” Fuery informed her. “You got him, didn’t you?”

“I did.” And this meant they needed to leave. She remembered now, she had strict orders not to worry about the target. Leave it to Breda, now she should help Fuery dismantle the equipment. She ignored her rapid heartbeat, the breaking sweat, the inclement weather finally taking a toll on her senses. “We should go. We can communicate later as we-”

“Elizabeth!” The voice in her ear startled her. “Elizabeth, can you hear me? Please—”

The memories that crept up weren’t those from the Civil War, but memories of Roy blowing his cover so he could make sure he was safe. Roy’s anguished expression when she’d been bleeding out in front of him. Riza had sculpted it in every corner of her mind when she’d believed it to be the last thing she’d ever see. And it haunted her in dreams, it haunted her when sadness caught her off guard.

It was everywhere now. And Riza felt his fear, deep, devastating, as she knew he was feeling it. This was difficult for her, being back in the battlefield that had seen her become a murderer. But it was just as difficult for Roy, having her on the field when he was miles away. He knew this mission was of relative low risk. No one was after them; they were too many steps ahead from the enemy. And he still feared. He still grieved.

“I can hear you. I’m sorry. We’re having some issues with the line as of late.”

“Right.” Roy sounded defeated. “I knew that. I’m sorry.”

“Ah, I was too distracted by our customer to notice either way. I did an excellent job, if I say so myself. But it’s closing time now, so I believe I should go.”

“Well, Elizabeth, I can tell you’re in a hurry. Have a good night.”

Oh, if only she could reassure him, time and time again, that everyone was safe, that the mission had gone without a hitch and they should be back in East City by morning. If only he could acknowledge her state of mind, that he could remind her it was over, and she was doing this for the greater good.

“Thanks for keeping me company,” was all she could muster.

She signaled Fuery to end the conversation he’d pretended not to hear. Fuery, with those big eyes behind round glasses, eyes that asked questions he was too polite to speak aloud. But Riza had no time to lose, no time to worry about discretion. It was over. East City, home, Roy waited for them.

“Let’s go.”

Date

MikayuusWeek (Day 1/7)

Day 1: Protection, courage, truth, integrity (Police Officers AU)

Words: 738

Rated: G

[Ao3]

After checking that he’d cleaned and locked everything properly, Mikaela retrieved his jacket from the backroom and made his way toward the back entrance of the store. He tried to push down the uneasy feeling that began to swirl in his stomach as he left the safety of the building, his grip tightening around the keys in his hand. With a less than steady hand, he locked the back door and turned around, slamming back against the wall as he caught sight of the figure in front of him.

“Sorry, sorry! I didn’t mean to scare you.” The panicked reply left the man in a single breath of air, Mikaela relaxed once he recognized that voice.

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