You guys may well think I’m silly for writing this post, but I’m going to anyway. I have thoughts and I need to get them out. I’m a firm believer in writing down your emotions rather than bottling them up.
Anyway. If you’re tired of my complaining about not meeting Jack, then I won’t blame you for scrolling away from this right away. Feel free, or you can carry on reading. But not only am I saying the obstacles that are in my way, I’m also writing exactly why meeting Jack matters so much to me. I’ve broken it down so hopefully it’s easier for you guys to read.
I know I’ve posted about this a billion times before, but I feel the need to do it again. I kind of stop thinking about it, and then something reminds me again. I see gifs from PAX, I read about people meeting him. I’m happy for everyone who does, but I’m reminded that it hasn’t happened to me and maybe never will. I feel selfish for thinking this, but I can’t help it.
Just wait, it will happen, I hear you say. But that’s easier said than done, for a number of reasons. If it was just as simple as being too young to go on my own or whatever, then yes, it would only be a matter of time. But it’s not.
First of all, I can’t afford to go to conventions (particularly so if they are in another country, and I’m yet to find one in the UK that Jack goes to). I currently don’t earn, and even when I do it won’t be much - musicians often don’t earn much at first, and I’m not making anything from YouTube “yet” (I hope I will but it may never take off for all I know. I can’t rely on it).
Then there’s my current mental state. Going to a convention would be difficult thanks to my wonderful social anxiety. Just the thought of the crowds, the people around me while travelling… And I imagine that travelling, and the convention itself, would take a lot of energy - possibly too much for my depression to handle. Maybe I could push through it to meet Jack, but I don’t know; would it be worth risking putting myself under too much pressure?
And that’s not all. Oh yes, there’s more. Getting to another country is difficult for me for another reason. I can’t do it by myself. Yes, I’m 21 years old and I don’t know how to go through an airport by myself. I feel stupid. Not just because I’ve never learnt how, but also I struggle with things like that. I always have. I’m particularly brilliant at getting lost. My anxiety loves it, not.
And there’s more. Since I’ve started watching Jack, I’ve been at university/college so I haven’t had the time to go away to conventions. Once I leave here in a couple of months time (*panics*), I will be focusing a lot on YouTube, and probably having to find a job (yawn). And until I find one and have money, I can’t go even if I have the time.
This may well sound like I’m making excuses, but honestly… I’m really not. I wouldn’t. This is something I need to do in my lifetime, it’s a dream of mine. Jack is my hero. I have no reason to make any excuses. These are all genuine barriers to one of my life goals. Obstacles that feel insurmountable. And it breaks my heart. It breaks my heart to think that I may never meet the person who began to turn my life around. It breaks my heart to think that I may never get to thank him in person for what he’s done. It breaks my heart to think that I may never be able to hug him. He feels like a long distance friend - or even family, if I can say that. Jack means the world to me. More than he’ll ever know - but if I meet him, I can get closer to expressing it than I can from here.
I have thoughts about what I would do if I did meet Jack. I already know that I will make a folder or something of stuff I’ve made for him (fanart, poems, etc) and I’ll give it to him. And, of course, I’ll give him the biggest hugs he’s ever had. I’ll do my best to let him know what he means to me. I’ll tell him about how he’s inspired me and that my YouTube channel is beginning to grow thanks to him giving me the courage to make more videos. I was anxious to go on camera, but he made me brave, and now I love it immensely and want to do it for as long as possible.
Jack is not just a YouTuber to me. He’s been a counsellor when I’ve needed advice and someone to care. Jack has been a friend when I’ve felt alone, believing in me even when I didn’t anymore. He’s been a beautiful green light in the pitch black void of depression and anxiety, the hope I needed when mine was all gone.
He’s been like an annoying older brother who makes stupid jokes to make you laugh - which means even more to me as one of my older brothers, who made me laugh a lot, is no longer with us. He’s been someone to watch playing games now that I can’t watch my brother play them anymore.
He’s been a lullaby when I couldn’t sleep, cradling me with kindness and wrapping me up in smiles and laughter. He’s been a soothing voice amongst the painful noise of life. He’s held my hand when I’ve been hurting, wiping away the tears from my eyes. He’s started to heal the cracks in my heart and mind. When I was starting to lose sight of anything good in life, having less and less reasons to smile, he showed me that things weren’t so bad after all. He taught me to genuinely smile again.
And Jack is the reason why I found this wonderful community, and have made amazing friends who have made me feel cared about. You guys have made me feel less lonely despite the isolation of social anxiety and depression. Without Jack, I probably wouldn’t know any of you exist.
Well, it’s also referenced in The Shadowhunter Academy, I haven’t read it yet, but I was told by my friend who got really excited about it. It was something about how “Raphael has never loved in that way” Please, correct me if I am wrong though. Raphael has just alway been aroace in my head. Also, I look at authors’ social media stuff as canon, but you’re right, that’s just me. (And I agree, Jughead is in this case the “more real” erasure, but Raphael counts for me too)
I’m not sure I read that book in particular (I only read 5 of them and then I deleted everything from my brain) but from what I know there’s no real aroace rep in them. The thing is that CC is known for her shitty treatment of lgbtq+ characters in general so I think that whatever there was there about Raphael wasn’t actually meant to say anything about his sexual/romantic orientation (although can still be interpreted as such of course) and I’m pretty sure when she said “aroace” she didn’t actually know what that word meant either. (Also omg about the “never loved that way” part: in the show when Raphael talks about his feelings for Izzy he keeps emphasizing how he hasn’t felt that way in a really long time which I took to mean ‘never’ or not since like 60 years ago or something so that’s why I see him as demiromantic but again, that’s just my interpretation of it).
Also I don’t think that her tweets were even the reason the show writers decided to do this in the first place, I think it was mostly because of the fans who kept tweeting @ them and asking about the possibility of asexual Raphael. So unlike CC they actually went and did research on asexuality (like, they actually spoke to ppl from GLAAD) and even tho their ace rep didn’t come out perfect it’s still more and much better than what CC ever did. So I mean I totally understand ppl who are mad that Raphael isn’t aro because all this time I saw him as aroace too but it’s still not something I personally would really hold against the show writers because again, they didn’t really have any canon material to work with so idk
I finally caved and bought Dragon Age Inquisition: GOTY Edition. So to occupy myself while I wait out the THIRTY FIVE HOURS it’s going to take to download this mofo beauty, I thought I’d get down and dirty with my next Inquisitor.
Here is Ludivine “Lude” Lavellan, feat @niklisson‘s hairstyle meme (link). I ignored the Trespasser hairstyles, because I still don’t know what is going to happen to her. And that, apparently, has an effect on hair.