i don't actually believe in a god but if i did

i love these questions okay
  • 1. what colors are in your room?
  • 2. who was your favorite school teacher?
  • 3. what are some passions of yours?
  • 4. when you drink coffee, do you like it black or with cream and sugar?
  • 5. are you self-conscious about anything? if so, what?
  • 6. do you have any tips for self-love?
  • 7. do you have any stuffed animals? Do you name them?
  • 8. do you like drawing or painting more?
  • 9. how do you sleep?
  • 10. what are some things that always make you smile?
  • 11. living in the city, mountains, small town, or out in the middle of nowhere?
  • 12. what's your dream house?
  • 13. how many pets do you wish to have?
  • 14. have you ever dyed your hair? do you want to? what color?
  • 15. what's your opinion on keeping a diary?
  • 16. what's your opinion on keeping an art journal?
  • 17. any art tips?
  • 18. talk about a moment where time stopped
  • 19. do you keep playlists for your music?
  • 20. is there anyone out there that you trust with your life?
  • 21. are you your number one priority?
  • 22. do you always type correctly or do you make millions of typos?
  • 23. recommend some music!!
  • 24. are your nails perfectly painted, chipped, or plain?
  • 25. do you believe in wishing on a shooting star?
  • 26. did you see the eclipse? describe it!!
  • 27. tell us what you love about nature
  • 28. who are you? describe yourself!
  • 29. what type of music do you like, and why?
  • 30. what's your favorite clothing store? why do you love it so much?
  • 31. thrift stores or name brand stores?
  • 32. do you like wearing your s.o clothes?
  • 33. when did you start tumblr? why did you decide to?
  • 34. what's your face care routine?
  • 35. freckles or dimples?
  • 36. name something you think should be banned from the universe
  • 37. tell us something you did as a kid that you loved
  • 38. mom or dad?
  • 39. do you buy expensive things just for the aesthetic or do you actually use everything you buy?
  • 40. tell us about something you're strongly opinionated about
  • 41. do you take peoples advice or do you have to figure things out yourself?
  • 42. bra or no bra?
  • 43. would you rather be cute or comfy?
  • 44. tell us about a moment in your life where everything went just perfect
  • 45. do you believe in anything? aliens? god? bigfoot?
  • 46. how much water do you drink a day?
  • 47. how do you feel about your natural hair?
  • 48. what does the sky look like right now? clear? cloudy? pink? blue? rainy?
  • 49. would you be a prince or a king? princess or a queen?
  • 50. tell us about your favorite outfit!
  • 51. name a few things you love about yourself
  • 52. are you open-minded?
  • 53. do you judge? could someone come to you in any situation they're in and you not judge them?
  • 54. do you like planning ahead?
  • 55. tell us how you feel about school
  • 56. talk about your first pet
  • 57. chocolate or strawberry milk?
  • 58. were you/are you in a fandom? if so, what?
  • 59. spotify, pandora, or itunes?
  • 60. favorite disney princess movie?
  • 61. favorite disney movie
  • 62. what's a subject that you think people don't talk about enough?
  • 63. how long does it take you to let your phone update?
  • 64. describe the fifth picture on your phone!
  • 65. favorite movie and why?
  • 66. do you watch studio ghibli? what's the first one you saw? what's your favorite one?
  • 67. you're home alone. describe how the setting is. music? what kind of music? tv on? what show?
  • 68. how often do you say "i love you"?
  • 69. do you have any weird things you obsess over?
  • 70. do you like being single or do you wish you had a partner?
  • 71. what's the last drink you had?
  • 72. talk about the easiest person to talk to
  • 73. give us some of your favorite blogs!
  • 74. if you could have one wish, what would it be?
  • 75. do you sing in the shower?
  • 76. how often do you shave? or do you wax? or do you not shave?
  • 77. tell us about a habit you wish you could stop
  • 78. do you listen to your own advice?
  • 79. do you love yourself? if not, are you trying to?
  • 80. tell us about your favorite halloween!! what did you dress up as? did you get a lot of candy?
  • 81. first memory that pops in your head, talk about it.
  • 82. how are you? what are you feeling? how has your week gone?
  • 83. rant.
  • 84. do you worry about something a lot? if so, what?
  • 85. do you think long distance works?
  • 86. would you date someone younger than you? older than you?
  • 87. name some people you'd love to meet
  • 88. what were some things you were scared of as a kid?
  • 89. tell us about your favorite birthday
  • 90. how is high school?
  • 91. tell us the worst pick-up line you've ever heard
  • 92. every been groped or catcalled? how'd it make you feel? what did you do?
  • 93. opinion of feminism?
  • 94. tell us about a time you got embarrassed
  • 95. ever had a pregnancy scare? tell us about it!
  • 96. tell us about your best friend
  • 97. what's your opinion on planning your life out?
  • 98. describe what you think afterlife is like
  • 99. talking on the phone or texting?
  • 100. how do you feel about the way most teachers treat students?
  • 101. what's a word you use more than others?
101 fluffy prompts
  • FALLING IN LOVE
  • 001: "You're really soft."
  • 002: "You smell nice."
  • 003: "I'm here for my daily fix of hugs and kisses."
  • 004: "Is it possible to love too much?"
  • 005: "I don't wanna get up-- you're comfy."
  • 006: "I will always be there protect you."
  • 007: "I'm cold. Come closer."
  • 008: "I love you a lot, but please stop trying to cook me dinner, you suck.”
  • 009: "The stars look especially lovely tonight."
  • 010: "I've never seen such gorgeous eyes before."
  • 011: "May I have this dance?"
  • 012: "I can't stop thinking about you."
  • 013: "You'll never feel alone with me by your side."
  • 014: "Let's get to know each other over dinner."
  • 015: "All I want is you."
  • 016: "I could never leave you, I love you too much!"
  • 017: "A fairytale with a happy ending always brings a smile to my face."
  • 018: "I want to hear you sing."
  • 019: "I don't think anyone could ever be as lovely as you."
  • 020: "You look incredible in that."
  • 021: "He/She's quite stunning, isn't he/she?"
  • 022: "Sometimes I just can't control myself when around you."
  • 023: "Do you believe in love at first sight?"
  • 024: "I think I'm in love."
  • 025: "I’d like it if you stayed.
  • 026: "People are jerks, but not you."
  • 027: "I'll share the blankets with you."
  • 028: "I have never felt this way about anyone."
  • 029: "I want this to never end..."
  • 030: "Can I kiss you?"
  • LIVING TOGETHER
  • 031: "I waxed the floors, grab your fluffy socks."
  • 032: "Who changed the thermostat settings? I’m freezing to death."
  • 033: "Can we just watch a movie and fall asleep on the couch?"
  • 034: "You can put your cold feet on me."
  • 035: "Your stray red item turned my whites pink."
  • 036: "A thunderstorm is rolling through town and you’re scared of lightening/thunder so I’ll protect you."
  • 037: "There was a power outage and now we have to have dinner by candlelight."
  • 038: "Rock Paper Scissors to see who has to go talk to the neighbors upstairs for being too loud."
  • 039: "I just came home to you crying while watching a movie, please tell me what’s going on."
  • 040: "Our AC is out and it’s the middle of the summer."
  • 041: "You found me crying on the kitchen floor in the middle of the night surrounded by a shattered jelly jar."
  • 042: "My parents are coming over in 10 minutes so please put some clothes on"
  • 043: "We’re repainting the apartment and going to the hardware store together to pick out color swatches."
  • 044: "IF YOU USE UP ALL THE HOT WATER ONE MORE TIME IM GOING TO BAN YOU TO THE COUCH FOR A MONTH."
  • 045: "We’re watching Toy Story 3 and we can’t stop crying."
  • WEDDINGS/PROPOSALS
  • 046: "I caught the bouquet"
  • 047: "My ex just invited me to their wedding and I need you to be my date so it doesn’t look like I’ve spent the last few years failing to get over them."
  • 048: "We accidentally got married in Vegas oops"
  • 049: "I’m really drunk, please help me get safely out of the way so I don’t ruin our friend’s wedding."
  • 050: "I planned out this super romantic proposal and you just ruined it by beating me to whole proposing thing."
  • 051: "I wasn’t planning on asking you, but it appeared to me that life is short. Will you marry me? "
  • 052: "If you shove cake in my face this will be the worst wedding night of your life."
  • 053: "Do you take this man/woman to be your lawfully wedded husband/wife? "
  • 054: "May I have this dance, wife/husband? "
  • 055: "You’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me. I’m so happy I can finally call you my wife/husband."
  • 056: "I jokingly told you that the only way I’d marry you was if you did this weird outlandish thing, and you actually did it, and I’m kind of charmed."
  • 057: "This is probably a bad time, but marry me?"
  • MARRIED LIFE
  • 058: "We’ve become the clingy newlyweds you always complained about. "
  • 059: "Your ‘miracle hangover cure’ couldn’t possibly beat mine."
  • 060: "I know you haven’t had the best experience with dogs in the past but look at its face please please can we keep it?"
  • 061: "I wanted to surprise you for our anniversary, but everything that could go wrong, did go wrong."
  • 062: "I beat you at Mario Kart and now you're banishing me to the couch for the night?”
  • 063: "I surprised you with tickets to see our favorite band… WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU SURPRISED ME WITH TICKETS TO SEE THEM TOO?"
  • 064: "I know we had a big fight but we still need to decorate the house for the holidays."
  • 065: "Oh! Hey! Could you come and taste this to see if it's okay?"
  • 066: "We’re arguing over book versus movie."
  • 067: "I came home to a Nerf gun on the front porch and a note that says ‘Here is your weapon. I have one too. Loser cooks dinner. Good luck. xo’"
  • 068: "We’ve been celebrating our wedding anniversary on the wrong day for the past nine years."
  • 069: "You had a business trip and I missed you so much that I kind of tore up the house in your absence like a dog with separation anxiety… sorry?"
  • 070: "We both have nowhere else to be so we get to spend our rare day off at home."
  • PREGNANCY
  • 071: "I bet it’s a girl/boy."
  • 072: "Do you think it’s possible that I…might be… pregnant? "
  • 073: "I thought I was pregnant but the test must have been wrong. I’m not. "
  • 074: "You’re lucky I’m pregnant!"
  • 075: "Can you help me up, your child is pretty heavy."
  • 076: "I could really use a foot rub right now."
  • 077: "Your dad is really excited to meet you soon, it’s driving me crazy."
  • 078: "Do you wanna know the sex of the baby?"
  • 079: "The baby’s kicks are keeping me up at night."
  • 080: "Did you feel that?"
  • 081: "I can’t fit into my favorite dress anymore. "
  • 082: "OH MY GOD I’M GOING INTO LABOR. WHAT DO WE DO NOW?!
  • 083: "I can’t be pregnant… or….OH MY GOD! "
  • 084: "I think you might be pregnant.”
  • 085: "It’s 2 am but you’re craving cake and we’re both up anyway so let’s bake in our underwear."
  • PARENTING
  • 086: "I knew it was a mistake to get the twins matching clothes."
  • 087: "Sh…they’re asleep."
  • 088: "I think someone had a little accident with the finger paint."
  • 089: "Mondays are your diaper days."
  • 090: "Our kid is totally the one who wanted to build a pillow fort, not me."
  • 091: "Ooh…someone’s got a tummy ache."
  • 092: "Are you sure you don’t want me to drop them off myself? I don’t think you could handle seeing them off alone."
  • 093: "I told you we should have just gotten that German Shepherd puppy."
  • 094: "What do you think for their punishment? Grounding? No video games? No going out for a week?"
  • 095: "Mm…your kid before five in the morning."
  • 096: "Come on now, I think you’re being too harsh. He/she’s just a kid. Remember all of the stupid things we used to do when we were their age?"
  • 097: "So, how should we break the news that they’re going to have a new baby brother or sister?"
  • 098: "I think we should have another."
  • 099: "Why wasn’t I invited to your wedding?"
  • 100: "Okay fine, one more story, but then you really have to go to bed."
  • 101: "…They just grow up so fast."
history of the entire world, i guess; a transcript

hi. you’re on a rock, floating in space. pretty cool, huh? some of it’s water. fuck it, actually most of it’s water. i can’t even get from here to there without buying a boat. it’s sad. i’m sad. i miss you. how did this happen? a long time ago, actually never, and also now, nothing is nowhere. when? never. makes sense, right? like i said, it didn’t happen. nothing was never anywhere. that’s why its been everywhere. it’s been so everywhere, you don’t need a “where”. you don’t even need a “when”. that’s how “every” it gets. (pause). forget this. i wanna be something, go somewhere, do something. i want things to change. i want to invent time and space. and i know it’s possible because everything is here and it probably already happened. i just don’t know when to start. and that’s exactly where it started. (background noise) woah. i… paused it. i think there’s a universe now. what’s it made of? quarks and stuff. ah, that’s a thing, in a place. don’t like it? try a new place, at a different Time™. try to stick together because the world is gonna get bigger and emptier. but it’s not empty yet. it’s still very full, and about a kjghpillion degrees. (about no seconds later). great news! the quarks are now happily married in groups of three called a “proton” or a “neutron”. and there’s something else flying around too that wants to join in but can’t cause it’s still to (HOT). (about ten minutes later). great news! the protons and the neutrons are now happily married to each other (some of them even doubled up). (about 380,000 years later). great news, the electrons have now joined in. congratulations, the world is now a bunch of gas in space. but it’s getting closer together and it’s getting closer together and it’s getting closer together. it’s a staaaar. new shit just got made. some stars burn out and die. bigger stars burn out and die with passion! and make some brand new way crazier shit. space dust! which allows newer, more interesting stars to be made, and then die, and explode into even crazier space dust. so now stars have cool stuff around them, like rocks, ice, and funny clouds, which can make some very interesting things. like this ball of flaming rocks, for example. holy shit, we just got hit with another ball of flaming rocks, and it kinda made a mess. which is now the moon. weather update: it’s raining rocks from outer space. weather update: those rocks might’ve had water inside them and now there’s Hot Steam in the sky. weather update: cooler temperatures today, and the floor is no longer lava. weather update: its raining. severe flooding alert: the entire world is now an ocean. volcano alert: that’s land. there’slifeintheocean. what? something’s alive in the ocean. oh cool, like a plant or an animal? no. a microscopic speck! it lives at the bottom of the ocean and eats chemical soup which is being served hot and fresh made from gnarly space ingredients leftover from when it was raining rocks or whatever. oh yeah, and it can do that. it has secret instructions written inside itself telling it how to build another one of itself. so that’s pretty nifty, i would say. tired of living at the bottom of the ocean? now you can eat sunlight. using a revolutionary technique you can convert sunlight into food. taste the sun. side effect: now there’s oxygen everywhere and the sky’s blue. then the earth might’ve been a snowball for a while, maybe even a coupla times. it’s a sponge, it’s a plant, it’s a worm and some other types of weird strange water bugs and strange fish. it’s the Cambrian explosion. “wow, that’s animals and stuff.” but we’re still in the ocean. hey, can we go on land? NoO. why? the sun is a deadly lazer. oh okay. not anymore there’s a blanket. now the animals can go on land. come on, animals, let’s go on land! “nope, can’t walk yet. and there’s no food yet so i don’t care.” (100 million years later) ok, will you learn to walk if there’s plants up here? “maybe,” said some bugs, and fish. “uh. uh. uh.” (five million years later) “ok so i can go on land but i have to go back in the water to have babies.” (idea) learn to use an egg. “i was already doing that.” use a stronger egg, and put water in it, have a baby, on land, in an egg. water is in the egg, baby, in the water, in the egg. works for me. bye bye ocean. aaand now everything is huge. including bugs. wanna see a map of the land? sure. ah fuck, now everything’s dead. just kidding here are the survivors. keep your eye on this one because its about to become the dinosaurs. here’s another map of the land. yeah, it broke apart, don’t worry about it, it does that all the time. here comes a meteor. and the dinosaurs are gone. its mammal time! here come the mammals. look at those breasts. now they’re gonna dominate the world, and one of them just learned how to grab stuff. and walk. no, like, walk like ‘that’. and grab stuff at the same time. and bang rocks together to make… pointed rocks. “ouch.” and set things on fire. “yeouch.” and make crazy sounds with their voice (“gneurshk.”) which can mean different things. that’s a human person. and now they’re everywhere, almost. ice age. what? you can walk over here? cool. not anymore. i guess we’re stuck here now.

let’s review. there’s people on the planet. and they’re chasing their food. fuck it, time to plant some grass. look at this, i control the food now. now everyone will want to be my friend and live near me. let’s all build houses except mine is bigger because i own the food. this is great, i wonder if anyone else is doing this. tired of using rocks for everything? use metal. it’s underground. better farming was just invented in a sweet dank valley right in between these two rivers, and the animals are helping. guess what happens next. more food, and more people who came to buy the food. now you need people to help make the food and keep track of the sales. and now you need houses for people to live in, and people to make the houses. and now there’s more people and they invent things, which makes things better and more people come. and there’s more farming and more people to make more things for more people. and now there’s business, money, writing, laws, power. sociiiety. coming soon to a dank river valley near you. meanwhile, out in the middle of nowhere, the horse is probably being tamed. why is all my metal so lame and lumpy? tired of using lame, sad metal? introducing bronze, made with special ingredient tin from the far lands of tin land. i don’t know, my dealer won’t tell me where he gets it. also, guess what - egypt. meanwhile, out in the middle of nowhere, they figured out how to put wheels on a horse. now we’re getting somewhere. also, china. and did i mention indusrivervalleycivilization. norte chico. the middle east is getting more complicated, maybe because it’s in the middle of the east. knock knock- er, clop clop, it’s the people with the horses? and they made an empire! and then everyone else copied their horses. greeks! ah look, it must be the greeks, or a beta version of the greeks. let’s check in with the indus river valley civilization. they’re gone. guess who’s not gone? china. new arrivals in india. maybe it’s thosehorsepeopleiwastalkingabout or theircousinsorsomething. and they wrote some hymns and mantras and stuff. you could make a religion out of this. there’s the bronze age collapse. now the phoenicians can get down to business. also, can we switch to a metal that’s a little easier to find? thanks. look who came back to israel, it’s the twelve tribes of israel. and they believe in god. just one though, he’s got like a ten step program. here’s some huge heads, must be the olmec. the phoenicians make some colonies. the greeks copy their idea and make some colonies. the phoenicians made a colony so big it makes colonies. here comes the assyrian empire. nevermind it’s the babylonian- median- it’s the persian empire. “wow, that’s big.” ah, the buddha was just enlightened! who’s the buddha? this guy, who sat under a tree for so long that he figured out how to ignore the fact that we’re all dying. you could make a religion out of this. oops, china just broke, but while it was breaking confucius was figuring out how to have good morals. ah, the greeks just had the idea of thinking about stuff. and right over here, alexander just had the idea of conquering the entire persian empire. it’s a great idea, he was…great. and now he’s dead. hopefully, the rest of the gang will be able to share the empire evenly between them. knock knock, it’s chandragupta, he says, “get the hell out of here, will you get the hell out of here if i give you 500 elephants? ok thanks bye; time to conquer all of india- or most of india”. but what about this part? that’s the tamil kings, no one conquers the tamil kings. who are the tamil kings? merchants, probably. and they’ve got spices. who would like to buy the spices? “me,” said the arabians, swiftly buying them and selling them to the rest of the world. hey, china put itself back together again with good morals as their main philosophy. actually they have three main philosophies. out here, the horse nomads run wild and free, and they would like to ransack your city. let’s check the greekification levels of the greekified kingdoms: greekification overload! “bye,” said the parthians, “bye,” said the jews. “hi,” said the parthians, taking over the entire place. “heyyyyyyyy,” said the romans, eating the entire mediterranean for breakfast. “thanks for invading our homeland,” said the jews, who were starting to get tired of people invading their homeland. “hi, everything’s great,” said some guy who seems to be getting very popular, and then gets arrested and killed for being too popular, which only makes him more popular. you could make a religion out of this. want silk? now you can buy it from china! they just made a brand new road to the world…or you can get there on water. “sick, new trade routes,” said india, accidentally spreading their religion to the entire southeast. hmm, that’s a good place for an epic trading kingdom. there goes buddhism, travelling up the silk road. i wonder if it’ll reach china before it collapses again. “remember the persian empire? yup,” said the persians, making a new one. axum is getting so powerful they would like to build a long stick. has anyone populated madagascar yet? let’s do it together. china is whole again…then it broke again. still can’t cross the sahara desert? try camels. “hell yeah, now we’ve got business,” said the ghana empire, selling lots of gold, and slaves. “hi i live in the roman empire and i was wondering, is loving jesus legal yet?” “no” “actually ok sure,” said constantine, moving the capitol way over here to be closer to his main rival. don’t worry about rome, it won’t fall. it’s the golden age of india. there’s the gupta empire. not chandragupta, just gupta, first name chandra, the first. guess who’s in rome? barbarians. what’s a barbarian? “non-romans,” said the romans, being invaded by non-romans. r.i.p. roman empire. or actually, just half is just fine. but it’s not in rome anymore so let’s give it a new name. the mayans have figured out the staaars. oh, and here’s a huge city, population everyone. the göktürks have taken over the entire eurasian steppe. great job, göktürks. how’s india? broken. how’s china? back together. how’s those trading kingdoms? bigger, and there’s more of them. korea has three kingdoms. japan has a kingdom, it’s the sunrise kingdom.

deep in the arabian desert, on the top of a mountain, the real god whispers in muhammad’s ear, so he goes down to the cube where everyone worships gods, and he tells them their gods are all fake. and everyone got so mad at him that he had to leave town and go to a different town. you could make a religion out of this. and maybe conquer the world as well. the roman empire is long gone, but somehow the pope is still the pope. plus there’s new kingdoms all over europe. i wonder if there’s room for moors. here’s all the wisdom, in a house. it’s the baghdad house of wisdom, just in time for the islamic golden age. “let’s bring stuff to the coast and sell it, and become the swahili on the swahili coast,” said the swahili on the swahili coast. remember this tiny space you have to go through to get from here to there? someone owns that now. wanna get enlightened in the middle of nowhere? the franks have the biggest kingdom in europe, and the pope is so proud that he invites the king over for christmas. “surprise, you’re the new roman emperor,” said the pope, pretending to still be part of the roman empire. then the franks broke their kingdom into what will later be called france and not france. the northerners, or just norse if you don’t have that much time, are exploring. they go north, from the north to the northern north, and they find some land. two types of land, and they name them accordingly. they also invade some other places and get called many names, such as vikings. there’s the rus, the kievan rus. are they vikings? “i don’t think so,” said the kievan rus. ok, fair enough. the pope is ready to make some more emperors of the roman empire, the holy roman empire. it’s actually germany but don’t worry about it. new kingdoms! christianizeallthekingdoms. which brand would you like? “mine’s better,” “mine’s better,” “mine’s better”. “time to conquer england,” said william. it’s a bird, it’s a plane, it’s the seljuk turks. “ahh!” said the byzantine empire, who’s getting so small it almost doesn’t exist anymore, “we need help!” they need help, so they call the pope. “hey pope, can you help us get rid of the seljuks? maybe take back the holy land on the way? come on, i know you wanna take back the holy land.” “yes, i do actually want to do that. let’s do a crusade.” crusade. they did many crusades, some of which almost didn’t fail, but at least the italians got some sweet trade deals. goodbye mayans. hello toltecs, goodbye toltecs, hello mississippi. look at those mounds. there’s the pueblo. i always wondered how to build a town in a cliff. guess who’s here? khmer. where? here, and pagan is there, and vietnam unconquered itself, korea just became itself, and japan is so addicted to art that the military might have to take over the government. china just invented bombs, and typing. and the mongols just invaded most of the universe. nice going, genghis. i bet that will last a long time! some of the islamic turks were unaffected by the mongol invasions because they were busy invading india. is it tonga time? i think it’s tonga time. i just found out where the swahili gets all their gold. look at this chad (means lake), there’s an empire there, right in the middle of africa. the king of mali is so rich he’s going on tour to let everyone know. “wow, that guy’s rich,” everyone said. the christians are doing a great job of conquering iberia which will soon be called spain and not spain. please remain christian. we will check in later to see if you are still christian when you least expect. whoops, half of europe just died. ming. china’s back, yay. hey khmer, time to share, new kingdoms here and there. oh look who controls all the islands, its the mahajapit. majahapit, mapajahit, mahapajit, mapajahit, majapahit? oh, italy’s really rich, time for them to care a lot about art and the ancient classics. it’s kinda like a rebirth. here’s a printer, lets make books. so you think you can conquer the byzantine empire? “yep,” said the ottoman turks. nice job, ottoman turks. whoops, you missed a spot; don’t forget to ban europe from the indian spice trade. “what? that’s bullshit,” said portugal, spiceless. well i guess we’ll have to find another way to india. “wait,” said christopher colombus, probably smoking crack, “if the world is round, lets go this way to india!” “nah, don’t worry we already got this,” said portugal. so chris goes to spain. “hey spain, wanna hire me to go find india by going around back of the world?”  “no.”  “please?”  “no.”  “please?”  “no.” “please?” “ok.” so he sails into the ocean, and discovers more ocean, and then discovers ‘the indies’ and ‘japan’. let’s draw a line to decide who gets which half of the world. the aztec and inca empires are off to a great start. i wonder if they know that europe just discovered their continent. the habsburgs are marrying into so many royal families they might have to start marrying each other. move over lithuania, here comes moscow. ivan wants to make russia great again. move over timurids, maybe go invade india or something. persia just made persia persian again. let’s make it the other kind of islam, the one where we thought the first guy should’ve been the other guy. hey christians, do you sin? now you can buy your way out of hell. “that’s bullshit, this whole thing is bullshit, that’s a scam, fuck the church, here’s 95 reasons why,” said martin luther, in his book which might have accidentally started the protestant reformation. “you know what would be magnificent?” said suleiman, wearing an onion hat, “what if the ottoman empire was really big, which it is now.”  “what if russia was big,” said ivan, trying not to be terrible. portugal had a dream that they controlled the entire indian ocean, including the spice trade, and then that dream was real. and spain realised that this is not india, but they pillaged it anyway. “damn,” said england and france, “we gotta start pillaging some stuff.” then the dutch revolt and all the hipsters move to amsterdam. “damn,” said amsterdam, “we gotta start pillaging some stuff.” question one: can you get to india through north america? no, but at least there’s beaver. question two: steal the spice trade. that’s not a question but the dutch did it anyway. sugar. guess where all the sugar’s made? in brazil. stolen! in the carribean, and it’s so goddamn profitable you might forget to not do slavery. the next thing on russia’s to-do list is to get bigger. britain and france are having a friendly discussion about who should control the entire world, more specifically, ohio. then it escalates into a seven year discussion, giving prussia a chance to show austria who’s boss. but what about britain and france, did they figure out who’s boss? yes they did, it’s britain. guess who’s broke? also britain. so they start taxing the hell out of america.

“fuck you,” says america, declaring their independence, and fighting for it. france helps them win, now france is broke. and britain will have to send their prisoners to a different continent. wait if france is broke, why do the king and queen still wear such fancy dresses? “let’s overthrow the palace and cut all their heads off!” said robespierre, cutting everybody’s head off until someone eventually got mad and cut his head off. you could make a reli- no don’t. haiti is starting to like the idea of a revolution, especially the slaves, who free themselves by killing their masters. “why didn’t we think of this before?” wait, who’s in charge of france now? “me,” said napoleon, trying to take over europe. luckily, they banished him to an island. but he came back. luckily, they banished him to another island. there goes latin america, becoming independent in the latin america wars of independence. britain just figured out how to turn steam into power, so now they can make many different types of machines and factories with machines in them so they can make a lot of products real fast. then they invent some trains, and conquer india and maybe put some trains there. “hey china,” said britain, “buy stuff from us.” “nah, dude we already got everything,” says china. so britain tried to get them addicted to opium, which worked actually, but then china made it illegal and dumped it all into the sea. so britain threw a hissy-fit and made them open up five cities and give them an island. britain and russia are playing a game where they try to stop each other from conquering afganistan. also the sultan of oman lives in zanzibar now, that’s just where he lives. india had a revolution, and they would like to govern themselves now. “nope,” said britain, governing them even harder than before. technology is about to go crazy. the united states finally figured out whether slavery is good or bad. “it’s bad,” they decided. and then they continued manifesting their destiny, which is to kill the rest of the natives and take their land, and maybe kick out the mexicans too. “i know, let’s rape africa,” said europe, scrambling to see who could rape it the fastest. they never got ethiopia.  britain and france are still hungry. they never got thailand. the united states ran out of destiny to manifest, so they’re looking for more. hawaii. cuba. wait spain controls cuba. “well, blame something on them and go to war! what should we blame on them? let’s blame the maine on spain!” so they blame the maine on spain. now we’re in business. to celebrate, they kick panama out of panama and make a canal, connecting the two oceans. britain just found oil in the middle east. it makes cars go. china is so tired of being bossed around that they delete their old government and make a new stronger government, which is accidentally weaker and controlled by a guy from the previous government. europe hasn’t had a war since the last war, so they start world war one. look at those guns. it’s gonna be a great war, so great we won’t need a second one. after it’s over, they blame germany. russia went on strike and the workers overthrew the government. now everyone’s paycheck is the same. communism, in the soviet union. the arabs revolt, and britain helps. now the ottoman empire is gone, so we can give the jewish people a place to live. hopefully the arabs won’t mind. “let’s cut the cake,” said sykes and picot, carving up the remains of the not-so-ottoman-anymore empire. except turkey, turkey makes a brand new turkey. and then the saudis conquer arabia. it just seemed like the right thing to do. hello? yes, it’s the 1920s calling. let’s get in a car and drive to a party and listen to the jazz on the radio and go to the movies. the economy’s great and it’ll probably be great forever. just kidding. germany’s back, featuring hitler, the angry mustache model. he’s mad at the jews for existing. japan is finally conquering the east, and they’re so excited they rape nanking way too hard. they should probably just deny it. hitler’s out of control, so the international community tackles him and tries to explain to him why killing all the jews is a bad idea, but he kills himself before they could explain it to him. that’s world war two. bonus round: pacific showdown, united states versus japan. fight! finish him. let’s unite all the nations and have some world peace. seems legit. “hi i’m gandhi and if britain doesn’t get the hell out of india i’m going to starve myself in public. wow, that worked?” bonus: now there’s pakistan. actually two pakistans. one of them can be bangladesh later. the jews and the arabs finally figured out which one of them should live in the holy land. “me”, they both said at the same time. “let’s divide up the land so everyone’s happy.” sike! they both get angrier. look out china, there’s a new china in china. what’s on the menu? communism! “no thanks,” said the other china, escaping to an island. i wonder which one is the real china. there’s the korean war, korea versus korea, nobody wins, then it’s on pause forever. let’s meet the sponsors. oh, it’s the two global superpowers. they’re having a friendly debate over which economic system is good and which is an evil virus of satan. and they both have atom bombs. fight! wait no that would be the end of the world. let’s just keep it cool and spy on each other instead. and make sure we have enough atom bombs. “i’ll race you to space. now let’s make some more countries fight themselves.” europe is tired of pillaging other continents, so the continents they were pillaging are tired of being pillaged. so here’s a new map, with new countries. now you can’t tell who they’re being pillaged by. the united states finally decided whether racism is good or bad. they decided it’s bad, and the world agrees. south africa might need another minute to think about it. let’s check the world population. woah. okay. technology’s better too, that might keep happening. the soviet union decides to relax a little and accidentally falls apart. europe makes a union, so now they can all use the same money; except britain because they don’t feel like it. let’s check the mail. surprise! it’s on the computer! whoops, someone just attacked america, i bet they’ll remember that. phone call, surprise, it’s in your pocket! wanna learn everything? surprise, it’s on the computer! now your phone’s a computer, which is in your pocket. whoops, the economy just crashed. don’t worry, the big banks won’t fail, because they’re not supposed to. surprise, flying robots! with bombs. wanna print a brain? some people have no friends. some people have no food. the globe is warming, and the ocean is full of plastic. “let’s save the planet,” said everybody, not knowing how. “let’s invent a thing inventor,” said the thing inventor inventor, after being invented by a thing inventor. that’s pretty cool. by the way, where the hell are we?

anonymous asked:

Do you know any fics where stiles and Derek are totally dating but they don't realize it but everyone else does

OOooo fun! - Anastasia

Originally posted by mysticmystery

Is It Cool if I Hold Your Hand? by HalfFizzbin

(1/1 I 1,343 I General)

“So,” says Sheriff Stilinski, raising one eyebrow. “You decided not to play video games at Scott’s, after all?”

“Uh,” Stiles says. His eyes are wide and caught-out, and he’s got his arms wrapped around two giant tubs of popcorn. Beside him, Derek Hale—the same Derek Hale that the Sheriff last saw in his interrogation room—is handing a $20 bill to the cashier and clearly trying to appear as casual as possible. He fumbles the change three times before he gets it into his pocket, though, so it’s a lost cause.

Accident (Waiting to Happen) by Jerakeen

(1/1 I 1,247 I Teen)

“You’re just jealous of our friendship,” Stiles says cattily, butting the top of his head more firmly into Derek’s armpit.

“Right,” Scott says, putting his jacket on. “I’m jealous that I don’t get to snuggle on the couch with the two of you.”

“Obviously,” Stiles agrees.

The Catch by sir_yessir

(1/1 I 1,901 I  Teen)

“You know,” Stiles jokes (because if he has any kind of a superpower, it’s the power to make an awkward situation way more awkward) “If we keep doing stuff like this people are going to think we’re dating.” In which Stiles learns that he’s really super oblivious (but to be fair, Derek is also too subtle for his own good).

Welcome to Rosie’s Diner can I interest you in an eye-opener? by crossroadswrite

(1/1 I 1,999 I Teen)

When the unfairly attractive couple walks in, at their usual hour, Kat starts humming the wedding march.

Jason elbows her sharply in the ribs, trying to hide his snicker even as he waves nicely at them.

“Fuck they’re so pretty,” he sighs mournfully, “why did they have to be a couple, that’s just unfair.”

“I know,” she commiserates.

(Or: The one where Stiles and Derek are regulars at Rosie’s diner and exactly zero of the employees believe they’re not actually a couple, I mean come on look at them.)

Stiles is the Stupidest Person on This Side of The Milky Way by TenSpencerRiedPlease

(1/1 I 5,619 I Not Rated)

“Aren’t you at least the least bit curious why everyone keeps asking if you are dating?” Lydia asks.

“No, why?” he says, mostly to be an ass. He didn’t actually care why people thought he was dating Derek.

“Oh my god.” Lydia says taking a shallow breath, rubbing her temples as if she had just gotten the world’s worst brain freeze. “You are the stupidest person in on this side of the milky way,” she says, sighing deeply.

Lunches, Knitting and Definitely Not Dating by noxlunate

(1/1 I 10,107 I Teen)

“So, I uh, managed to get myself pregnant.”

“You what?!

“Got myself pregnant. Y’know, up the duff, knocked up, a bun in the oven, in a family way, eating for two, with child. I could go on Dad, really, stop me before I exhaust the list of pregnancy euphemisms. There’s still caught an 18 year STD, my eggo is preggo, building a person-“

“Stiles.”

“Hosting a parasite, harboring a fugitive-“

Skype Meeting
  • Germany: ... why are we doing this again??
  • America: because we're too lazy to move out of our houses for a meeting, so we came up with this solution!
  • England: this is a bad idea- FROG WHY ARE YOU SHIRTLESS???
  • France: um, because I didn't feel like dressing up for a Skype meeting, duh!
  • China: you guys better have a good reason skyping me this early in the morning...
  • Japan: ... I... agree...
  • Italy: veh, sorry I'm late~ but my internet's been acting up weirdly
  • Russia: same with mine-
  • America: ... what?
  • England: WHAT? WHAT DID YOU LOT SAY?? I CAN HARDLY HEAR YOU!
  • Germany: Mein Gott, stop shouting England!
  • England: WHAT?? I THINK THERE'S SOMETHING WRONG WITH MY BLOODY SOUND!!
  • China: I don't have time for this shit- What the?? My screen is off?? What, how do I get my face to show again??
  • Japan: not this again... and Russia-san's frozen... and everyone's going at 3 frames per second... what.
  • America: Da fuck is going on?? Italy, what's wrong with your screen?? It's so pixelated!
  • Italy: ve~? Oh, maybe it's because I'm downloading something for 5 gigabytes~~
  • Germany:
  • England: ... WHAT'S GERMANY SAYING???
  • France: I think there's something wrong with his mic-
  • America: France oh my God, you froze with the most ugliest face!!
  • England: BWAHAHAHA!!
  • France: SHUT UP HOW DO I FIX THIS????
  • Italy: ve~~~
  • Germany: *actually shouting but no one can hear*
  • China: where's my face??
  • Japan: ... I don't have the mental strength to deal with this right now...
  • Russia: *still frozen in time*
  • America: ... I can't believe we manage to fuck up a virtual meeting...
Why The Types Are Problematic
  • ISTP: When you're under emotional distress or just plain upset you literally just shut down and don't talk to people??? I said hi to one of you, whose one of my best friends, after he had a fight with his fiancé and he just ignored me and walked past like wtf I am a person you emotionally constipated butthole.
  • ESTP: No regard for human life, especially your own. Plus you won't stop talking about how we should all go out when you know damn well I'm broke af.
  • INFP: Your fake-mean jokes aren't jokes at all and are real-mean because you're bitter about something they did, like, 5 months ago, god becky just move on already.
  • ENFP: You're putting your family through bankruptcy because you won't stop buying things online because your self-control is as feeble as your ability to keep secrets you haphazard deadbeat.
  • ISTJ: You tried to be the fun one for once and ruined the party because you're awkward.
  • ESTJ: You won't stop asking clarifying questions; like the question you're asking was gonna be answered in maybe 6 seconds but you didn't have the patience to wait and find out and I crave death because of it.
  • ISFJ: You're a basic bitch and we all know it.
  • ESFJ: You're the most clueless people I've ever met and yet you have the audacity to call everybody else weird.
  • INFJ: "I'm fine!" sayin' asses expecting everybody to know you're not...And stop pretending y'all ain't anything but weeaboo nerds who've seen every anime there ever was.
  • ENFJ: Every person whose ever said "I can never get typed right, I'm too balanced." or "I switch letters so much I don't really know" always ends up being ENFJ when typed correctly and I will fight anybody who says otherwise.
  • INTP: You won't stop explaining your logic behind something even though we've already told four times that we understand.
  • ENTP: You say insane crap you don't actually believe just to see people's reactions.
  • ISFP: You unironically like and talk about SuperWhoLock you nasty bitch.
  • ESFP: You're super weird but everybody still loves you and it pisses me off. That's probably makes me the problematic one, but there's also a strong chance that your alcoholic...so...
  • INTJ: Get off reddit and stop playing so many video games you freak.
  • ENTJ: Okay but I shouldn't have to say anything for the ENTJ's because you are all the single most problematic type in almost every single conceivable way, and if you don't know that yet, that's part of the reason why you are.
Tastes Like Strawberry

Plot (Requested): Just some smut Draco x Reader.

Warnings: My first smut, sorry if it is bad. SMUT: Oral sex (female receiving), kind of public sex. Let me know if you guys want a part 2!

Word Count: 1.015.

Author’s Note: English is not my first language, so if there are mistakes I’m sorry. Message me and I’ll correct them. Also, thanks for almost 2K followers. You guys are making me really happy. My classes has just started, so I won’t be posting a lot. Sorry about that, but don’t give up on me!

Originally posted by tearswillalwaysfall

Originally posted by moan-s

The hallways were empty, what was quite useful for me and Draco. It was late, and we sneaked out our dormitories to hang out since none of us wanted to sleep. We ended up in the astronomy tower, the cold fresh air sending goosebumps up and down my spine.

“The sky is beautiful…” I said, looking up to the constellations.

“Not as much as you are.” Draco whispered in my ear and kissed my neck, hugging me from behind. I smiled at his silly complement and felt his arms pulling me more into him.

“That’s why you brought me here? So we could be alone and no one would listen if I screamed for help?” I asked, turning around to look in his Grey eyes.

“Believe me, Princess, if I was in intent to make you scream, it would be for more, not for help.”  He smiled sassy and kissed me. In that very moment it was like the whole world has vanished, and there was just the two of us, and I knew he felt that too. Being with Draco makes me feel good with myself and with life. I guess that’s what love means: to feel complete.

We were still kissing (who needs oxygen right?) when I heard an owl. I looked at the side of the tower’s balcony and saw Storm, my owl, with a package. I leaved Draco and walked to her, getting the small box from her hands and reading the note from my mom:

My dear, your idea for our garden worked. I’m sending the results. Miss you.

                                                                                                                              - Mom.

Curious, I opened the box to find it filled with strawberries, my favorite fruit of all. I smiled and felt Draco approaching me, trying to see what was it I had received. “I think I just found us something really good to do.” I said.

“Com’ sit here then.” He said, sitting in the ground and tapping his lap. I rolled my eyes and went to him. Although I would never confess, I loved when he was kinda bossy like that. It was just… Hot. There are not other words to describe it. I sat on his lap and got one of the strawberries from the box, handing it to him. When he went to grab it with his mouth I ate it. “Really Princess, you’re going to play this game with me?”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.” I said, innocently and grabbed another fruit. This time, I actually did teased him, eating that thing in the most sexy and insinuating way I could. I don’t think that looked like I pictured, but Draco seemed quite turned on, so I didn’t mind at all. “I’m just eating.”

“I’m going to ‘just eat you’ out any of these days.” He said seriously enough for me to believe. I knew he was messing with me back, because his words affected me like no one’s else could, but I wouldn’t loose, not this time.

“I bet I taste better than this things…” I said, biting another strawberry.

“I bet on that too.” He said, using one of his arms to position me better on his lap. “Actually, I know you taste away much better then these.” He said, kissing my neck softly and running one of his hands through my leg, dangerously close to my pussy. “In fact, I wouldn’t mind tasting you right now.” With that I felt his hand slipping inside my pants. His fingers teased me and I moaned. “Merlin’s sake, Princess. I haven’t done anything and you’re already this wet?”

I knew he was smiling victorious, but I couldn’t care less.

“Draco… Please…”

Say it once more, Baby Girl. You know how much I love it when you beg.” He took the box of strawberries from my hand with his free one and putted it aside as he kept teasing me. I moaned again, and heard him laugh. “Just ask Princess. That’s all you have to do.” He whispered, biting my ear lobe.

“Fuck me.” I begged.

“As you wish, my love.” His fingers found my clit, pressing it gently and earning a loud moan from me. “Be quite, Princess, or you’re not winning anything.” I bit my lip, trying to focus on staying shut, but it was quite hard when Draco’s fingers slowly started bumping on me. I felt myself getting closer as his rhythm speeds up, and when I was at the age he took his hand off me, leaving me feeling empty.

“What the fuck Draco…”

“I said I wanted to taste you, darling. That’s exactly what I’m going to do. I just need a better place…” He held my waist and apparated us to an empty classroom. “This will do it.” He said, trowing me upon the table and laying me down.

“What if someone cough us?” I asked, nervous.

“Be quite and no one will.” He said, smiling as he knew he was going to make it really difficult for me. He positioned his self between my legs, pulled my pants off and started kissing my thighs, slowly coming up. “You smell good. Fuck, how’s that even possible?” He whispered for himself and got to my panties, sliding them down and taking them off me. I was starting to get impatience when I felt him kiss me gently, just to get rough right after, sucking on my clit. I had to bit my lip to the point of it almost bleeding so I could be kept shut. He smirked and inserted two fingers inside me, thrusting fast.

“Draco… Fuck… I’m going to…” I tried to not scream his name.

“Come for Daddy Princess.” That nickname was all I needed to cum hard. Draco licked me up and then helped me sitting on the table. I tried to catch my breath and he smiled, probably proud of the good job he has done. “As I said. Better then strawberry.”

I laughed. How could he go from such a Sex God to a jerk, I’d never understand. But Merlin’s sake, I loved it.

i feel like we need to talk just so i make sure y’all understand something

there’s a bunch of people out there who have decided not to watch the bold type just yet, as to “guard their hearts” from god knows what. and to those people i say: you’re gonna be the reason the bold type gets canceled. plain and simple

i’ve been in fandoms for as long as i can remember and i’ve lost my share of f/f ships. i’ve been through hell and back with them and no, sometimes it wasn’t worth it. actually, a lot of times it wasn’t worth it

i get being hurt. i get being guarded, being wary of shows who claim to be forward-thinking, who make vain promises and leave us hanging, who promise to give us the love and protection we crave only to stab us in the back. i get it, and i’ve been there

but the reality is: the bold type hasn’t done that, and it won’t. this is a show with a f/f couple, its main couple, where both of the characters are women of color. two layered women who got storylines of their own, who are powerful, get what they want, and take no shit from no one

the bold type has done a wonderful job in every possible aspect, and kat and adena’s relationship is no exception. they’ve had some ups and downs already, as expected given they’re the main relationship of this show, but nothing too dramatic that they can’t bounce back from - and they are bouncing back

but you wouldn’t know that, because you’re not giving the show a chance. you claim you want to “wait and see” so you won’t get hurt, but guess what? there’ll be nothing to see if the show gets canceled in its first season

please, tell me, if the bold type were to have seven seasons, would you “wait” for those seven seasons to be over to “see” what happened to this ship and then decide to watch it or not? have you done that with, say, w*nonna earp or s*pergirl? or, you know, any other show you’re currently watching? i think it’s safe to say you haven’t

in my opinion, you’re not being honest as to why you’re not watching this show. i’m all for people watching whatever they want to watch, but don’t go around saying you want this and that on a show only to not support it when it actually comes along. you ask for diversity, for women and men of color, you ask for healthy relationships between female characters, you ask for all these things that the bold type is delivering and still… you don’t show up

you want writers and a cast who supports its show, its characters, its ships… aisha, katie, and meghann were cast due to their off-screen chemistry. katie, aisha, nikohl, the writers; they’ve all supported kadena off-screen. actually, katie is easily kadena’s biggest supporter, and she’s not shy about that 

you want writers who respect the show’s viewers, well, just the other day the writers were approached by someone who believed a couple of things on the show had transphobic vibes to them (arguable, in my opinion), and you know what the writers did? they listened. they took their concerns as valid and promised to pay more attention in the future. unlike some other writers i know, from shows you all want to claim as “progressive”

the bold type checks pretty much each and every one of your boxes. so why aren’t you watching it? why are you making excuses?

  • Jefferson: *walks into room with cast on hand*
  • Hamilton: Whoa, what's with the cast?
  • Jefferson: I sprained my wrist.
  • Burr: Oh no, what happened?
  • Jefferson: Don't worry about it, I'm fine.
  • Hamilton: Yeah! Jeez, Burr, back off. Leave the guy alone.
  • Jefferson: *walks out of earshot*
  • Hamilton: *whispers* Everyone, huddle up. Bring it in.
  • Everyone: *gathers*
  • Hamilton: So he wouldn't say what happened, which can only mean one thing.
  • Madison: He's in a fight club.
  • Alex: No. He did something he's embarrassed by, like smiling. The only question is, how do you hurt your arm smiling?
  • Jefferson: Attention, everyone, I can hear you speculating about the nature and origin of my injury from here. I tripped over an uneven sidewalk. I did not think it was relevant to your jobs, the jobs which you should all should be doing right now. Get to work.
  • Everyone: *goes back to work*
  • Jefferson: *walks to Alex* *whispers* Do you wanna know how I actually hurt my wrist?
  • Alex: Yes.
  • Jefferson: I was hula-hooping. I attend a class with Madison for fitness and for fun.
  • Alex: Oh, my god.
  • Jefferson: I've mastered all the moves. *pulls out phone* *shows pictures of him hula-hooping.* The pizza toss, the tornado, the scorpion, the oopsie doodle...
  • Alex: Why are you telling me this?
  • Jefferson: ...Because no one...will ever believe you...
  • Alex: No...
  • Jefferson: *deletes pictures*
  • Alex: NO!
  • Jefferson: *slowly moves away, keeping eye contact*
  • Alex: you sick son of a bitch...
🎶🎶When You Collect Records🎶🎶
  • Hipster: *moves dusty old boxes out of the way* Whoa, an old record player. It looks like it's in working order too! *runs outside*
  • Hipster: Yo, dad!
  • Dad: What?
  • Hipster: We're getting rid of all of poppop's stuff, right?
  • Dad: There's something you want, isn't there?
  • Hipster: There's this old stereo record player in the attic.
  • Dad: What do you need a record player for?
  • Hipster: My record collection.
  • Dad: I didn't even know they still made those things. Can't you just listen to music on your phone?
  • Hipster: Dad, there's a big difference between listening to music digitally and on record.
  • Dad: Fine, I don't wanna get into it with you right now. You can take the record player. You just have to get someone else to take it to your place for you. My truck's full.
  • Hipster: Thanks dad! *smooches dad on the cheek*
  • *later at hipster's apartment*
  • Friend: So, like Patch Adams ends with Patch Adams half-naked in front of a ton of people. I don't know if it was meant to be funny or like a weird sex thing, but like the movie was just a deeply disturbing character study. I can't stop thinking about it.
  • Hipster: That sounds boring. *unlocks door to apartment* Ta-da! Here it is! My new record player!
  • Friend: New? Looks fucking old to me, dude.
  • Hipster: Well, it is old. That's the appeal. And we're going to listen to the new Sufjan record on it.
  • Friend: Is that actually how you say Sufjan? Apparently, I've been pronouncing it wrong this whole time.
  • Hipster: Well, you won't after this record. There's an entire track where he just says his name for four minutes. It's amazing. *plays records*
  • Record Player: *coughs* Hello. Hello! Where am I? Doctor? Hello! Why is it so dark...............................Can I breathe? I can't breath. Oh god, I'm not breathing! Oh god, oh god, oh god, oh god, oh god! I.....................................
  • Hipster: Uh, that's not Sufjan.
  • Friend: It totally isn't. Is it some guest vocalist? I like the new direction he's going in. No instruments or singing, and long stretches of silence. Very experimental.
  • Hipster: *stops record player* I think maybe we should do something else for now.
  • Friend: Fucking lame! I wanted to listen to more Sufjan.
  • *days later at the record store*
  • Hipster: Yo, I think the Sufjan Stevens record I bought from here might be some kind of mispress.
  • Store Clerk: Really? It's a pretty major album. I doubt there'd just be a mispress like that.
  • Hipster: Yeah, but listen to it. It's not Sufjan at all. It's some girl talking.
  • *hipster and clerk listen to a completely normal Sufjan Stevens album together*
  • Store Clerk: What are you talking about? This is definitely Sufjan Stevens.
  • Hipster: Okay, but it wasn't like that when I listened to it at home! I even listened to it with my friend and he heard the same thing!
  • Store Clerk: Maybe there's something wrong with your record player.
  • Hipster: Hmm, maybe there is.
  • *back at the apartment*
  • Hipster: *turns on record player and just listens*
  • Record Player: ...I'm awake again. Why did I black out? Did I even black out? God, I'm not breathing, but it doesn't matter. Why don't I need to breathe? Am I even alive?
  • Hipster: Can you hear me?
  • Record Player: Doctor. Doctor! DOCTOR! Why can't I move? Why can't I feel anything. Keep yourself together. It'll all make sense soon. Calm down. Just breathe deeply. Fuck, I can't breathe! AIIIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEE! I CAN'T BREATHE! DOCTOR! DOCTOR! DOCTOR! HELP! HELP ME, PLEASE! I'M STUCK! I CAN'T MOVE! PLEASE HELP ME!
  • Hipster: *turns off record player* It's just a recording, I bet. I can't believe I talked to it like an idiot... *nervously turns record player back on*
  • Record Player: I blacked out again. I blacked out. For how long? Is there even time here? Hell. This is hell, right? Did I go to hell.........................................
  • Hipster: *listens to the record player for hours*
  • Record Player: Negative 6893 bottles of wine on the wall! Negative 6893 bottles of wine! Take one down, pass it around, Negative 6894 bottles of wine on the wall... fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck! PLEASE SOMEONE HELP ME! AIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!
  • Hipster: *keeps listening*
  • Record Player: Soul of Christ, make me holy, Body of Christ, be my salvation. God, please forgive me. I'm sorry for all of my sins. Please free me. I'm so sorry. Please. Please. Please.
  • Hipster: *still listening*
  • Record Player: FUCK YOU! FUCK YOU! SHITTY DOCTOR! FUCK YOU! LET ME OUT! LET ME OUT! *sobs intensely* FUCK YOU! FUCK YOU! FUCK EVERYTHING! Please just let me go.
  • Hipster: *nervously walks up to record player and lightly taps on it*
  • Record Player: ...A knock. A KNOCK! PLEASE HELP ME! I'M STUCK! PLEASE! *record player begins shake violently*
  • Hipster: *backs away in fear*
  • Record Player: HELP! HELP! HELP ME! PLEASE, IF SOMEONE'S THERE, HELP ME! HELP ME! I'M STUCK! GET ME OUT OF HERE, PLEASE!
  • Hipster: *unplugs record player*
  • Hipster: *gets hammer from the closet and begins to break apart record player*
  • Record Player: *drips red*
  • Hipster: W-What? *cracks front of record player open*
  • *rotting viscera falls from the record player*
  • Hipster: O-Oh... *stuffs viscera back into the record player and duct tapes over it*
  • Hipster: *turns record player back on*
  • Record Player: ...I can feel. It hurts. Why does it hurt now? Why does it hurt? Why? Why? Why? WHY!? WHY!? WHY!? *spurts blood through it speakers and begins to gurgle*
  • Record Player: *hops forward* Please just let me go. Please... please. I'll do anything. I just want to see you again. I'm so sorry. This isn't what I asked for. I'm so sorry. *hops forward again and comes unplugged*
  • Record Player: *tips over, bleeding heavily onto the carpet*
  • Hipster: *silently cleans up the mess*
  • *some time later*
  • Hipster: *calls dad* Hey, dad. Oh, nothing. Uh, I just need to borrow your truck, If not tonight sometime this week. I just need to get rid of something. No, no, that's fine, I can do it myself. Yeah, tomorrow morning is perfect. Thanks Love you too. Bye.
  • *the next afternoon*
  • Dad: So, what did you need to get rid of this morning?
  • Hipster: Nothing important. Just some old junk... Dad, what kind of person was poppop?
  • Dad: Well, he was only the greatest man I've known in my life. Really caring, dedicated to his family. When you were born he loved you so much. He was a bit of a loner, though. It took a lot to get him to open up. Even around me and your grandmother. He was a bit like you. Always a huge music lover.
  • Hipster: I see. Was he ever a doctor?
  • Dad: That's a weird thing to ask. Nope. He hated doctors. Didn't trust modern medicine one bit. It's ironic. His cancer probably wouldn't have gotten to him if he did. But, your poppop was always so stubborn.
  • Hipster: Oh, okay then.
  • *some days later*
  • Friend: New carpet?
  • Hipster: Yup, old one was ugly wasn't it. It was time for a change.
  • Friend: That's what I've been telling you! I'm glad you finally came to your senses. What happened to your record player, though?
  • Hipster: That thing? I threw it away. It was busted.
  • Friend: That sucks. Are you gonna buy a new one?
  • Hipster: No.
  • Friend: But you won't have anything to play your records on.
  • Hipster: Yeah, but I buy records because I want to support the artists. They're not really for listening. Besides, lossless is better. FLAC is the future.
I’m Sorry

Request: Can you do an imagine if y/n and Shawn fighting and maybe she accidentally cuts herself or just hurts herself during the fight and Shawn kinda just rushes to hell and forgets about the fight? Thank you!!
A/N: hey hey hey!! i’ve been having a social life but i’m back now bitches. THANK YOU SO FUCKING MUCH FOR 472, SO ALMOST 500 NOTES ON KEEP QUIET, IT’S INSANE OMG
Rating: I for INTENSE BITCH no jk maybe maybe not
Word count: 1.2K


I woke up, feeling as I do everyday. Normal. I showered, cleaned, read and finished paperwork, all the same as any day I would. I couldn’t put my finger on it, but I definitely felt off today, like something would go wrong. Nothing did, not even while grocery shopping. That was normally the point of my Saturdays where everything goes south and I return home ready to cry or kill.

I was lugging the bags towards the humble abode when I noticed Shawn’s jeep in the parking lot. It was strange not seeing his name flash up on my screen for the duration of my shopping trip, not even a text to ask me to get him a Toblerone from the candy section. I’d assumed he was napping or something since he’s been in the studio all day.

“Hey Shawn, could you come he—What’s your problem?” I breathed once I finally entered the front door, Shawn’s icy gaze already on me. I set the bags on the countertop and huff, resting my hands on my hips.
“Nothing, m’fine.” He mumbles, waltzing straight past me and into the kitchen.
“Yeah, clearly, right?” I gave up for the moment, refocusing on the remaining bags in the car. I mustered up the last of the energy I had and marched down the stairs to claim the last of the shopping bags.

Keep reading

yall: god i cant believe rick said reyna is straight! lebian reyna 5ever!! what a bigoted writer

literally what rick said: 

yall: he didnt even ask ACTUAL wlw how they see it

literally rick:

(and btw i’ve SEEN yall complain about this stereotype as well)

yall: doesn’t he realize lesbians can date men and still be lesbians?!?!

rick: 

yall: rick didnt even apologize for it and he did the classic “it’s your fault you’re upset lol”

what rick actually said:

Types of Satanism
  • LaVeyan Satanism: I am Satan. I am my own god and believe in myself. I believe in my own abilities and power and don't need any spiritual being helping me.
  • Theistic Satanism: Satan is a real entity. I belive in him as Christains do in their Jesus. I am loyal to Satan and will take every challange he gives me. *Some of us believe only in Satan while others believe in both our Satan and the Christain God.
  • Devil Worshippers: I worship everything I find to be evil. I will sacrifice anything or indulge in crimes for Satan, who I belive is the Devil and symbol of evil himself.
  • Luciferianism: I believe in Lucifer. Lucifer is an enlightened and spiritual being, more peacful than Satan. I believe that the world is devided into light and darkness.
  • Demonolators: I believe in and honor actual demons rather than Satan. Thanks to rituals or meditation I can contact demons and ask for their assistance when I need it.
  • Duotheism: I believe that Satan isn't a god, but rather the bible based being who has rebelled against the Creator and forcefully tried to take his throne.
  • Ecletic Satanism: I am none of the above. I have different beliefs from two or more religions and combine them. I have my own non-specific religion.
  • There might be a few other, more specific, types of Satanism I haven't covered. I also might have made mistakes on these so feel free to correct or add on! I did not include Satin Satanism since I couldn't find much information about it, and from what I'm hearing it isn't really a form of Satanism.

anonymous asked:

i don't really wanna push you into writing something because I really do love your writing but id really like a small au (if possible!!) of changkyun from monsta x!

ive actually really missed monsta x and was thinking about enemies-to-lovers changkyun so,,,,,,,here you go ^^

  • changkyun was your lab partner for a bio course you took when you were just a freshman in college and since that day,,,,,,,,you have hated each other 
  • why? oh maybe because every time you had something to say changkyun was sO SuRE his idea was better
  • or whenever he’d try to take down notes he’d do this annoying thing like STAND IN FRONT OF YOU so you couldn’t see the board
  • and for the whole semester you two were like dogs at each others necks
  • and ,,,, it didn’t stop outside of that classroom
  • like seriously if you and changkyun as much as bumped into each other it was like a parade of sarcastic comments
  • “oh you’re taking microbio? im taking genetics, looks like im taking the big kid class and you’re taking the kindergarten science wah wah”
  • “why did you bump into me asshat”
  • “i like your outfit.” “changkyun, you’ve never liked anything about me.” “exactly, i like it because it makes you look WORSE”
  • honestly,,,,,,,you two just cannot stop
  • and shownu or wonho always has to step in between you and be like guys,,,,please,,,,show some respect we’re still on campus
  • and you’d be like ill show respect to changkyun pigs f l y 
  • and changkyun scoffs and he’s like ill show them respect when hyungwon willingly takes an advanced math class
  • and you just,,,tick each other off,,,,because you both know what buttons to press
  • so it’s no surprise that when you both end up being part of the three finalists in a scientific journals scholarship contest ,,,,,,you and changkyun are just grinning menacingly at each other like oH i saw you got in,,,,,,,,cant wait to be runner up to me again huh??? and changkyun is like don’t you mean you can’t wait to finally see how superior my brain is to yo-
  • kihyun like three feet away: if i spritz them with water do you think they’ll calm down?
  • wonho: nope, ive tried it. doesn’t work.
  • the eve of the contest announcing the winners you run into changkyun at the library and of course he’s refreshing the journal’s website to see the winners names
  • ,,,,,,just like you are too
  • and the library technically closes at 10 but you know you’re going to stay up and so is changkyun so you both gather your laptops and you’re like “hey don’t follow me im going to the cafe near the english department.”
  • changkyun scrunches up his nose and is like “too bad, i thought of going there first so technically you’ll be following me.”
  • and like a couple of middle schoolers you end up running there to see who got there first,,,,arguing over it in front of a tired cashier who lets you both have two lattes on the house if you agree to just sit down and shut up
  • as midnight ticks closer,,,you and changkyun keeps looking over at each other,,,glaring and making face when fINALLY the website updates
  • and you look at the winners name,,,,,,,,,,and freeze
  • ‘winner of the scholarship: nakamoto yuta. second place is tied!’
  • looking at you and changkyun’s names written together in smaller font,,,,,,you can’t help but swallow and turn your head to peek over at changkyun
  • whose doing the same and you both get up as you make eye contact
  • and the cashier is like oh god now what
  • but you and changkyun both march outside and you’re like CHANGKYUN WHAT THE HELL 
  • and he’s like I DONT KNOW WHAT THE HELL I THOUGHT IT WAS GOING TO BE YOU OR ME
  • and you’re like exactly???? your paper on transitional motion was way better????? and changkyun is like your paper on genetics in ants was way better too?????/
  • both fuming,,,you’re standing outside the cafe in the darkness and changkyun is like “im so,,,,,,,,angry i could just do something really dumb right now.”
  • and you’re like wow same something really dumb like,,,,,like,,,,,,,,
  • suddenly you get an idea,,,,an idea you can’t believe you thought of,,,,,but also,,,,,,when you see changkyun in front of you 
  • the same face you’d despised seeing,,,that you’d grown to instinctively react to,,,,,,,,,,why,,,,,why has it never looked more handsome to you??!?!?!
  • the pretty way his eyes are set,,,dark brown and yet still shining,,,,,his lips,,,,,,,,his perfect jawline,,,,,,,,,,,,,
  • and changkyun is like tilting his head,,,,going “something dumb like?”
  • “like this.”
  • you take a step forward, bunching up changkyun’s shirt in your fist and tugging him down to press your mouth to his
  • and changkyun,,,,,,,is frozen,,,,,,,but his eyes flutter close and his own hand comes to hold the back of your neck
  • when you pull back you’re both like,,,ahem,,,um
  • and changkyun is like “that was,,,,,dumb right?” and you’re like yeah,,,super dumb,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
  • but you can’t help it three seconds later you’re back in each others hands making out furiously with changkyun letting you pin him against the wall off the cafe 
  • and the cashier,,,thinking you and changkyun might have killed each other opens the door and sees you and is like OH,,,,,,,o h,,,,,,,,,,oh 
  • you and changkyun with messy hair walking back inside shyly getting your laptops and changkyun being like “we are gonna,,,,um,,,,go,,,uh,,,stu,,-st-”
  • you: “we’re gonna make out again. im so sorry you had to see it though, bye.” LOL

destielisgonnabecanon  asked:

hey there, i'm writing an essay about how destiel is real for a friend of mine and I was wondering what you think the most important pieces of meta that i should put in? can you recommend anything?

Hi - wow, that’s some dedication. All I did for my friends was send them some links - and, on one memorable occasion, I spent one entire 30 minutes conversation occasionally glancing at my (female&blinded by heteronormativity) friend’s lips instead of looking at her eyes, and by the end of it she was uncomfortable af and half convinced I was into her, and that’s when I presented her with a list of gifsets like -

- and basically dropped my mic and sashayed out.

(Man, I wish my hair was long enough to be flicked back.)

She changed her mind after that, by the way. And it’s really weird how most behaviours and gestures are used on screen precisely because we understand them as human things we all do on a deep level, and yet we’re suddenly unable to figure out what they mean if they’re not about a man and a woman. Uh.

(That applies to me as well, by the way. We see what we know about, not what is actually there, and that’s just inevitable - but can be unlearned, with some patience and many, many mistakes.)

Anyway, here are a bunch of things - I hope they’re useful.


Also, the entire S8, which was basically a demented Jane Eyre AU, and the entire S11, because, again, that Amara thing didn’t make sense without Destiel subtext, and finally @deanswingsbothways’ drunken rant (spoiler: contains the line “Destiel is not a story we are telling each other. Destiel is a story we are being told.” and bless).

You should also consider pimping your essay a bit, because there are a lot of posts and gifsets about how Destiel is regularly paralleled with canon couples on Supernatural, or follows the same rules as romantic relationships in movies. Here’s a bunch of them: Destiel and Sam/JessDestiel vs Dean/AnnaDestiel vs Sam/Amelia, Destiel vs David/VioletDestiel and Spuffy, Destiel and Clexa, Destiel and Phoebe/ColeDestiel vs Charlie/Gilda, Destiel vs every other couple on SupernaturalDestiel and Lucifer having funDestiel and romantic movies, Destiel and the Doctor, Destiel and Belle/Rumplestiltskin, Destiel and Tangled, Destiel and Saileen, and, of course, the beautiful and despairing trainwreck that was Repo Man.

And finally, there was that one time I went crazy and spent an entire weekend mapping every single love trope they’ve ever used around those two idiots in love, because I was just that fed up and the thing’s there, okay, and the more they say it’s not the more layers of tropes and mirrors and longing glances and narrative parallels they keep slathering on top of this thing, so, whatever and who even knows. At this point, you’re free to say it’ll never go canon because they’re homophobic or assume their audience is homophobic, and you’re free to say it’ll never go canon because of internal narrative reasons (God knows both Dean and Cas are never going to believe they’re actually good enough for each other), but to say there’s nothing there at all - that’s beyond whatever.

Anyway, my post is here, and these were the final conclusions:

As you may have guessed, this is something I’m sort of interested in - I came for the monsters and started to reblog stuff out of spite when I realized I was being treated like a crazy fangirl who sees love everywhere because women (right). If you’re looking for more sugary goodness, I tag stuff as destiel, spn meta (my own opinions), awesome meta (other people’s opinions), love tropes and parallels, and you can also have a look at some excellent meta writers who have eyes and therefore see Destiel and sometimes discuss it - people like @elizabethrobertajones​, @grey2510​, @tinkdw​, @bluestar86​, @mittensmorgul​, @floralmotif​, @k-vichan, @treefrogie84, @thevioletcaptain or @postmodernmulticoloredcloak (and I know I’m forgetting someone - that’s what sleeping four hours does to you, sorry). So, again - I know this post is a bit ‘join our cult’ (which is what you asked for, but still), but really - what I like about this fandom is that we can talk about stuff and we can disagree about stuff and still be friends, but this new idea currently spreading in the real world like wildfire - that not only you can have your own opinions (totally legit), but you can also have your own facts - nope. I hope your friend reads your essay (you’re welcome to share it, by the way) and sees that yes, there’s objectively something going on. If they still don’t, the final test is, “What if Cas were a woman? Would you see it then?” 

(And we all know the answer to that question, don’t we?)

Seriously, good luck.


EDIT - More great meta

( @destielisgonnabecanon - you’re welcome! Go win that bet! 😁)

"why don't you like frozen?"
  • what i mean: It's a film that, essentially suffers from an existential crisis throughout the entire two hours it runs. There's no world building whatsoever, leaving too many unanswered questions the audience in regards to the magic and lore of the land. It's inferred the trolls know everything there is to know about magic, but it does not explain how Elsa recieved her powers in the first place, leaving a pretty big unanswered question. Also, the decision to take a fantasy race usually isolated from magicks as the main sage magicians was an ...interesting choice, and would have worked out a bit better if the world was built up more. The plot is all over the place, with there being no clear antagonist until the final arc of the movie. Is the Duke of Weaselton supposed to be the antagonist? No, and he honestly doesn't even belong in the movie: in what way does this character move forward the plot? He doesn't, so why is he given such emphasis? Is Elsa supposed to be the antagonist? Through the film the audience is constantly being given conflicting views as to whether or not we are supposed to sympathsize with her or hate her, and we're never given our answer until the final arc of the movie, which is, ironically, when the real antagonist show his face: Hans. Since he is introduced as he antagonist in the final arc, it makes Hans' development as a villain feel rushed and unnatural. Such a sudden heel-face turn from charming benevolent prince to cold-blooded killer feels wrong, and considering there was no foreshadowing or dramatic irony leading up the reveal, it comes as a shock to even the most watchful moviegoers. Beyond the shock response, there is no reason for the audience to hate Hans, making him an ineffective villain all in all. The audience only hates him because he betrayed the trust that was willingly given in the first half of the film. Yes, he wants to usurp the throne and kill everyone off, but wouldn't that incentive be more effective if it were presented as such from the beginning of the movie? Give the viewers hints and clues that he is not what he seems, making the reveal of his plan much more suspenseful. Additionally, if it were addressed from the beginning, a large amount of the aimless plotless wandering that plagued most of the first three-quarters of the movie would be practically non-existant. In addition, the shock factor response wears off eventually; the impact of his betrayal means less and less to the audience each time they watch it. Part of the reason of the weakness and confusion in the beginning also stems from the fact that the movie is trying to juggle too many characters. Many named characters are completely unneeded and did not need to steal screentime (and by extension, valuble character development) from the main characters (Anna, Elsa, Kristoff, and I guess Hans). And the lack of character development is bad. Really bad. Anna doesn't feel like a real person, even by Disney standards. Elsa is a bit more believable, but her "development" is rushed and inferred instead of shown to the audience as it should be. Why was there such an emphasis on the parents in the beginning if they were only going to be killed off for plot fuel? And as an audience member, I did not feel any sadness for their death or for how Anna and Elsa were grieving. Having Elsa locked in her room for upmost of ten years was just...weird. There was absolutely nothing that justified it, making the isolation feel like a cheap way out for the writers to transition from childhood to adulthood. And beyond that, Arendelle is shown to be a peaceful kingdom, so it makes no sense that Anna would not be allowed to leave the castle and walk amongst the city. If magic exists in this world, why was Elsa locked away? Why was it a secret? All of these questions stem from weak worldbuilding that justifies very little of the events of the movie. There are so many unanswered questions that rise up from what happens inbetween childhood and adulthood. Is there a puppet monarch? Was magic seen as something negative or unknown? Why the trolls. Why the trolls. I'm sorry I just do not understand the trolls. The romantic subplot again ties into making the trolls feel even more forced and unneeded and the Hans reveal stale, I don't need to go into this. From a technically standpoint, the animation is subpar compared to its contempararies. Rise of the Guardians, a movie made a year before Frozen, had better ice effects. The particle effects and textures were nothing to write home about and the numerous clipping issues are clear evidence that the final product was rushed. The character design is the biggest complaint everyone has heard the most, but, Jesus Christ, oh my god it's bad. There's virtually no variation in character design. The facial structure of all the women are practically identical. Elsa, Anna, their mother, even Rapunzel all look 100% identical. Perhaps that wouldn't be such a problem if their body types were the same as well. There's no power of silouette in the film, something that is absolutely crucial to animated film, making Anna and Elsa blend together not only in the film, but in the industry itself. They do not stand out. They are blank and bland. The music is the only good thing, and that's only considering some songs. "Let it Go" and "First Time in Forever" are strong, powerhouse showtunes that actually move the plot forward, as songs in a musical should, but "Fixer-Upper" and "Love is an Open Door," while good, solid songs, do relatively nothing for the plot can could be omitted without sacrificing anything. "In Summer" is a total joke song that literally fades into nothing--I could not recall the tune if I tried, and "Do You Wanna Build a Snowman?" has a lot of potential but is, esentially, the same chorus repeated with little to no transition three times. It doesn't help that the song is also the most awkward contrived timeskip in the history of awkward contrived timeskips, again because it is never explained why Elsa is locked in her room at all. And the trolls and the--oh god. Please, all artists and writers, do NOT overlook the importance of worldbuilding. Even the dialogue is mediocre and does nothing to immerse the characters into the world around them. The resulting product is nothing but two hours of mediocrity masquerading as the best film of the decade in commercialization and ticket sales, but ultimately does nothing but leave a bad taste in the audience's mouth and will encourage Disney to continue making mediocre movies because they know they will sell and sell well.
  • what i say: because it's a bad movie

anonymous asked:

what about the stairs in the forests!!! and what doc were you watching and would you recommend?

ok so I DON’T BELIEVE IN THE STAIRS IN THE FORESTS! mainly because I’m A Search and Rescue Officer for the U.S. Forest Service, and I Have Some Stories to Tell a) is posted on /r/nosleep so it’s definitely made up, b) the op admits to knowing about David Paulides, and lbr knowing about = being influenced by, so it’s definitely made up, and c) if you read all the way through to the end it stops being even vaguely believable and starts reading like a WTNV transcript, and then he plugs his book, so it’s DEFINITELY MADE UP. however, it is an amazing (read: terrifying) thread, some of it is obviously based on truths/insider SAR knowledge which means a lot of it is probably uncomfortably close to actually being true, and it’s a good Gateway Read into MISSING PEOPLE IN NATIONAL PARKS CONSPIRACY THEORIES, which is where I live now. (plus, if you read this before getting into anything else it imbues every single missing persons case with an unsettling sense of Eldritch horror, which is why I had to turn on three overheads and unfocus my eyes all the way to the bathroom last night at 2am.) 

so yeah, after reading that /r/nosleep thing for the first time I drew a line under it and moved on until SOMEONE (ahem@roundtop) sent me a link to an article called How 1,600 People Went Missing from Our Public Lands Without a Trace (on a legit and sensible outdoorsy people website), like ‘haha, stairs in the forest!’ and I SWAN DIVED DOWN THE RABBIT HOLE. thus: the documentary-watching, staying up till 2am and spending all day today trying to find copies of David Paulides’ books for less than $80 inc. postage. 

THIS DUDE DAVID PAULIDES. he was in law enforcement before, for some reason, deciding to become a ~*~cryptozoologist~*~ and certified gung-ho Bigfoot conspiracy theorist, and through that found out about how many people had disappeared without a trace from National Parks in the U.S., did 7,000 hours worth of digging, and wrote a bunch of books about it. his books are called Missing 411 and are about the ridiculous number of people who go missing in National Parks, the usually weird circumstances around their disappearances, the fact that when people are found (dead or alive) it’s often in places miles and miles and sometimes waaaaay higher up mountains than where they disappeared from, and all sorts of creepy crap to boot. like they can’t get bloodhounds to find a scent, or they find tiny children miles away from where they got lost, barefoot, without a scratch on the soles of their feet, human remains being found years later in places that were search dozens and dozens of times. not to mention the National Parks… People (? I really don’t know enough to be making this post) are aware of what’s happening but don’t keep a list of the people who’ve gone missing on their lands. 

(which is all part of why I’m A Search and Rescue Officer for the U.S. Forest Service is so freaky – enough of it (people being found miles away, kids being found up mountains, the people in charge being cagey about it all) sounds real that you can believe it was actually written by a SAR Officer. heebies!) 

it’s all real nightmare fuel, if you’re the sort of person who is absolutely terrified by all this Scary Forest Disappearing People Unexplainable Deaths stuff, i.e. me. luckily I can’t afford to buy any of them! phew! however, I haven’t let that stop me from a) SCARING MYSELF SHITLESS and b) BECOMING A TIN HATTER, and it shouldn’t stop you either: you can read loads of stuff over at /r/missing411, listen to one of his initial interviews (in which he talks about how he was approached by two park employees in plain clothes who were like ‘please investigate this, there’s SOMETHING going on and it’s so goddamn weird’) on Coast to Coast AM (which is, like, a paranormal radio station… I’m sorry), watch a bunch of Paulides’/CanAm Missing Project’s vids about disappearances on youtube, and listen to hours worth of interviews and late night spooky radio/podcast discussions with Paulides. 

the documentary I thought I was watching was Missing 411, which is based on his books and Kickstarted by the public in 2015, but it turns out that they’re apparently shopping it around at festivals so it’s not out yet. what I was actually watching (and quickly abandoned) was a weird supercut of all of David Paulides’ tv interviews and some cryptozoologist chatter about Bigfoot. Paulides, god love him, never ever SAYS Bigfoot in any of his books, and everything he presents is 100% factually accurate and extensively researched, but… I think we can safely say he thinks it’s Bigfoot. tbh, after reading about Jaryd Atadero I think it’s Bigfoot. I mean, goddamn. 

so, yeah. I’ve finished reading every search and rescue story on this blog (Hunt for the Death Valley Germans is LONG but awesome), I’ve got West of Memphis ready to watch after work tomorrow because I remembered how much I love that case and spooky true crime things, if you have any related LINKS or STUFF about This Shit then REBLOG THIS/MSG ME AND TELL ME, or if you have a copy of a Missing 411 book you wouldn’t mind mailing to me then LET ME KNOW, and in conclusion I can’t believe America is so fucking huge and unkind, goodnight.

Woollim, INFINITE & Golden Child: a clarification post about contracts and debut...

Hello everyone.

Seeing as even after my previous post asking people to stop sending me messages complaining about GNCD I still got messages doing exactly that, I decided to write this post because I am literally 99.9% done with all the silly things people are saying in my inbox. I am not attacking anyone, I just seriously want people to look at this whole situation rationally.

1. GNCD’S DEBUT HAS BEEN PLANNED WAY IN ADVANCE Okay, this is important. Debuts are not something that are suddenly decided a month before the date like “Hmm yes, let’s just debut this new group now.” Often they are planned a year in advance. There has been a steady build up over months (see W Project) to create hype for their debut. 

2. IFNT WERE ORIGINALLY SCHEDULED TO COMEBACK IN MAY Because of Sunggyu’s rib injury, this was initially pushed back. If they had indeed had a comeback in May, there would have been no clash with GNCD’s debut whatsoever.

3. WOOLLIM WERE PROBABLY OPTIMISTIC ABOUT CONTRACT RENEWAL AND DID NOT EXPECT THEM TO TAKE SO LONG This is possibly my most important point tbh. The biggest complaint I am having from people is “Oh, but this is so poorly timed! Why are Woollim debuting a new group when INFINITE are still in negotiations?” Well here’s why: as I said in points 1 & 2, GNCD’s debut has been planned for a long time and INFINITE were meant to have comeback already. And I think Woollim did not foresee them being in talks with INFINITE member(s) for this amount of time. I believe they thought things would be settled quickly, in time for them to comeback in early July and for GNCD to debut just after promotions ended. 

4. BE MINE IS INFINITE’S REPRESENTATIVE SONG, THE ONE THEY ARE BEST KNOWN FOR. IT HAS BECOME AN ICONIC KPOP SONG If any rookie group is going to cover INFINITE then it will most likely be Be Mine. They had it on Produce 101 Season 2 as one of the iconic songs by senior artists and two groups covered it. On Boys24, a group of trainees also did a cover performance of Be Mine. At KBS Gayo Daechukje last year, members of different girl groups including TWICE and GFriend covered it too (and it was awesome). 

5. NO ONE IS TELLING YOU THAT YOU HAVE TO STAN GNCD JUST BECAUSE THEY ARE FROM THE SAME COMPANY AS INFINITE But there’s no reason to go out of your way to hate on them unnecessarily either. Please keep in mind that these kids have worked just as hard as INFINITE did when they were trainees. Because of INFINITE’s hard work and incredible success, they are able to debut and achieve their dreams. I am sure they are extremely grateful to their INFINITE seniors for all they have done for them. 

6. WOOLLIM HAVE A TRACK RECORD OF BEING TERRIBLE AT PR Look at how they handled Myungsoo’s dating scandal back in 2013. Look at what happened with Tasty (yeah, remember them?!) and with Epik High. They are also absolutely awful at promoting more than one group at a time - I’m actually amazed Lovelyz solo concert is being promoted as much as it is, considering how bad they usually are at juggling two things at once. 

7. THE LACK OF NEWS FROM WOOLLIM ABOUT INFINITE IS FRUSTRATING, BUT IS NOT GNCD’S FAULT I can’t believe I even had to write that, we all know how Kpop works, guys. Artist’s don’t get to make decisions about when they debut or what information the company releases about them. End of. 

8. ONE OF INFINITE’S ACTUAL, HONEST TO GOD LITTLE BROTHER IS IN GNCD And Sungyeol has said in an interview in Japan that he is proud of Daeyeol for debuting and being the leader of a group. Sungyeol has also MCed their variety show WoollimPick (and was incredibly savage and amazing, what an absolute pro). 

TL;DR PLEASE STOP HATING ON GNCD FOR SOMETHING NOT IN THEIR CONTROL, PLEASE THINK RATIONALLY ABOUT THIS SITUATION.

  • Mallory: Oh my gods, Magnus, I can't believe you actually did that!
  • Magnus, narrowing his eyes: How did
  • you know about that? Did you hear me talk to TJ about it?
  • Mallory: ...Maybe.
  • Magnus: But you weren't even there!
  • Mallory, hiding a smirk: I don't know, I guess it must just be my KEEN sense of hearing.

Just for fun, let’s imagine the entire show is in Sherlock’s head. Let’s imagine, just for fun, that Sherlock is comatose due to his drug use. 

Oh, what the hell, let’s just make this an AU.

John is in the same room as he after he came back from Afghanistan with a hole in his shoulder, a tremor and a limp to show for it. 

Sherlock - he overheard one of the nurses using his name in the morning - receives no visitors. No one John can see anyway. Not that he receives them; Harry is too drunk, his mum is dead and his dad needs to stay far away from him if he knows what’s good for him. So John starts talking to Sherlock during the nights because he can’t - he’s afraid to - sleep. He talks about Afghanistan, about the books he reads, about his family, about his past. Even his horrible middle name. 

And when John finally gets released from the hospital - still with a limp, a tremor and a horrific scar - he still visits Sherlock. Every single day. He has nothing else to do anyway and Sherlock is a better listener than his therapist. But then there is Mary, who makes him smile - sort of -, who makes him alive - barely. 

Mary and he get married. But…

“Hi Sherlock. Sorry, I haven’t been in so much; honeymoon. You know. Anyway. So uh… yeah… got a newsflash. Mary is pregnant. She… uh… she took a test the morning of our wedding and didn’t tell me until we got back to the hotel. I’m going to be a father! Can you believe it? Me? A dad… oh God, Sherlock, what the Hell am I doing?”

“I love her. Of course, I do. I married her, but… I don’t… Jesus, I don’t even know what I’m doing. I just feel so numb. I don’t want… I never wanted a simple domestic life. I hate it. I hate her friends, I hate the dinners. I hate the evenings in front of the telly, watching the same shit over and over again. I can’t… I want to be normal. Sherlock, I… I thought she could give me that, that’d I’d be happy, eventually. But, this baby… I can’t do it, Sherlock. I am not a dad.”

“You know… it would be nice if you woke up. You could actually talk back instead of me just sitting here, talking your ears off. God, if you can hear me… you must hate me by now. Sorry… It’s just… there’s no one else. Isn’t that pathetic? A grown man who can turn to no one except for a comatose patient. Yeah… didn’t think so. Well, I need to go anyway. Take care, Sherlock. See you tomorrow.’’

Six Months Later

3:17 am

’‘Goodnight, Dr Watson, sorry to wake you up like this, but… well, he asked for you.”

“Who did?”

“Sherlock Holmes. The coma patient you visit? He… he woke up and he’s asking for you. Quite urgently.”

John doesn’t even realise he forgot his cane back home until Sherlock pointed it out to him, his pale eyes shining with mirth and John feels fresh air fill his lungs at the sight. 

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