i do want to make this a productive day

  • Me at 11 in the night: LONG LIVE PRODUCTIVITY! Tomorrow, I will write, draw, study, do those diys I've always wanted to try, bake, play football, make edits and CONQUER THE GALAXY!
  • Me the next morning: *reads fanfiction all day*
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{ 30-7-17 } 84/100 days of productivity

For all the fellow studybloggers who have asked whether I have a study playlist- now I do!! ♡´・ᴗ・`♡

CLICK HERE to be redirected to my spotify ‘study & chill’ playlist which features upbeat chill songs to prevent you from falling asleep ~ 

It’s going to be constantly updated with every good song-find so please do give it a follow if you like it ~~! ꒰˘̩̩̩⌣˘̩̩̩๑꒱♡ (I tried to pick less mainstream ones so you won’t get distracted by singing along to all of it!)

+ send me an ask if you want me to make a mellow café/rainy playlist? ??

studygram: @aestudier

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9 July 2017
♬♪ red velvet - red flavor
happy ARMY day!! our fandom is 4 years old now *tears up* also, i’m getting a new study table and cabinet ☆*:.(≧▽≦).:*☆ + i’ve been absolutely torn, tattered and exhausted from the first week back to school (ಥ﹏ಥ) (idk how i managed to survive the whole week with 8 hours of sleep but i guess it’s a new record??) ib makes me want to cry, don’t do it children
| 26/100 days of productivity |

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1/100 DAYS OF PRODUCTIVITY

so, it’s the second ‘official’ day of the Easter holidays and I am making the concious decision to try 100 days of productivity again. Hopefully I’ll make it past 12..

I haven’t really got much done today yet, but a friend came over and we had an indoor picnic because the weather wasn’t as nice as it has been. My plamnow is to get on with revision for my maths resits.

I also want to redo my tumblr theme, so if anyone has any suggestions for theme makers (or even base codes bc I was thinking I might code it myself it kinda depends), let me know!

I hope you’re all doing okay

P.S. I hit 10k recently so thinking of doing another round of procrastirates if people are down for that? I also made myself a little weekly plan printable if you want that? also hello, I’m back kind of hey?

I always love the idea of Carlos doing normal shit and Cecil freaking out.

“Carlos what is that”
“It’s a pen”
“CARLOS THATS ILLEGAL”
“What am I meant to make notes with then Ceec?”

“Hey Ceec, want a sandwich?”
“W h a t”
“I’m making sandwiches. Or I can do pasta if you want?”
“CARLOS THOSE ARE WHEAT OR WHEAT BY-PRODUCTS WHAT ARE YOU DOING??”

“Happy Valentine’s Day Ceec!”
“CARLOS ARE YOU TRYING TO GET US KILLED???”

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Gotham s2e17: Oswald Cobblepot mourns the loss of his father.

Robin Lord Taylor’s father died, in real life, during the filming of the episode prior to this one.

“"So that scene where Paul died, my actual dad died and we kept shooting that day anyways,“ he explained. "So I was acting my actual reality. So production asked what I wanted to do and it was Paul’s last day. My mom was with my sister and I couldn’t make it to Iowa, and it was a strange confluence of events where your reality is what your character is going through. There were some scenes that were actually happening in my real life. It was my favorite and will always be my favorite episode. Although I will never watch it.” -Robin Lord Taylor

Source: X

i failed the days of productivity challenge

okay guys so yeah, I failed this challenge. school is consuming my life at the moment and posting everyday isnt a choice, I really want to apologize because I started this blog to share stuff with you guys, but its being pretty hard to do it. so, i’ll stick to posting original things as much as I can, but i’ll focus on reblogging yours. so, if you want me to reblog your post, just use the tag #yangstudies and i’ll make sure to check it out. 

love you all x

studygram: yangstudies

🎧 chained to the rhythm - katy perry

36 days of self care challenge

do a self care thing for 36 days and tag it with #36caredays and I’ll reblog it! you can do all of these things, some of them, or make up your own!

column categories: i. food ii. health iii. outdoors iv. productive v. creative vi. easy/misc

why 36 days?

36 days, or just over a month, is about how much I find finals time to be. five weeks plus a day at the end to celebrate! plus, 36 makes a nice square in your planner if you want to keep track of it :o)

anyone who does 36 days and tags me will be entered to win a custom printable sticker sheet!! (must be following me)

On Writing Endurance

Anonymous asked: “10 pages of written work has me tired and I’m struggling to type all the words. Any suggestions that can help me with type an immense amount of writing, specifically for longer drafts?”

Writing takes endurance. While some people can just start writing a novel and eventually finish it and edit it, having never written anything in their lives, they are few and far between. Most writers need to build up their endurance for that kind of project. 

Keep reading

Dan & Phil describing each other for the Summer in the City book

Dan Howell, whose name rhymes with hand towel, bland scowl, and sand owl, was created when a woodland creature had a baby with Liam Payne from one direction. When not procrastinating by eating the entire fridge or staying awake until 6am, he makes youtube videos on the channel danisnotonfire (which was his username back in the lolrandom bebo days.) Before becoming a Youtuber, teenager Dan worked in a DIY shop until one day he sold an axe to an eight year old. Dan’s Greatest Hits include “what not to do at the beach” (where he actually went outside), “sexy internet dating” (where he invited a naked 58 year old man called Manesh to our house), and “what is my life” (where he spent eight minutes pritt-sticking various meat products to his face). I know what you are thinking, “I want some Dan facts!” WELL HERE THEY ARE, JENNY! (I just totally freaked out anyone called Jenny) Dan is scared of trees. Dan eats cinnamon cereal every day (except the days I steal his cereal). I am sat next to Dan now and he said if he could have any dog it would be a Shiba Inu. If you haven’t checked out his videos yet then you are missing out - a LOT. Also you might want to check out his pretty cool friend Phil.

Get his autograph below! or find someone else called Dan and get him to forge it. Just convince yourself it was true.

Ok bye.

- Phil.

Phil Lester is the by-product of two related grandparents and a haircut that was cool in 2006, but that’s okay because he has a lovely personality. His quirky videos and idiosyncratic editing sets him apart from other YouTube vloggers - that and his unique life which seems to attract a worryingly large amount of strange people and situations (which he relives for your enjoyment). If you look at yourself in the mirror and think “wow i am so weird, how do i function?” - Phil’s the guy that teaches you to embrace your individuality.

If you see Phil this weekend, do not be alarmed if his hand is facing backwards towards his pocket in a claw shape, he can’t help it. And he was does not condone irresponsible use of a permanent marker on your face.

Remember, normalness leads to sadness.

- Dan

Study moods
  • Productive procrastination: having an essay due in a couple of days but reluctantly chooses to do homework instead.
  • Early bird: waking up at 6am and having a nice study session before school starts.
  • Late owl: stays up late to finish that one essay you procrastinated doing earlier.
  • In through one ear and out the other: reading the same paragraph five times and still wondering what it's about.
  • Slow but steady: when I make slow progress but I'm very proud of myself.
  • I don't want to: laying on your bed and continuously thinking that you will start studying in five minutes. Alternatively you stare at your book for a prolonged period of time.
  • The master of the free period: the times that you have a snack and a nice spot in the library and just study.
Investing in yourself as a Sugar Baby!

Taking care of your mind and body is important especially when you expect men to drop thousands of dollars on you every month for the pleasure of your company! Personally before even thinking about becoming a sugar baby this year, I’ve been taking care of myself for years because appearance is very important in my line of work. Keep in mind that I’m in my late 20s so some stuff you might not even need at this point since most of you are in your late teens or early 20s. Enjoy those years haha well I can’t complain, I have a baby face ;) So here is a list of things I’ve done or I will be starting this year that keeps me looking good and feeling awesome plus it makes for a hot SB:

  1. Manicure + pedicure - I do them professionally in a salon every 3weeks.
  2. Laser hair removal - I’m doing my whole bikini and underarms right now and will start my legs in the next year..shaving is a pain and too much work..laser is painful especially the whole bikini but worth it!
  3. Removing stretch marks - I will do laser for that when I move to LA because those stupid marks on my butt are a pain in the ass for my confidence sometimes..I have awesome 34DD natural breasts but my ass needs some perfecting to be at the same level lol
  4. Removing cellulite - I just finished a 10 weeks treatment with the Velashape 2 in a beauty clinic for my thighs and butt..I think it helped although I only had a low amount of cellulite and it’s still not perfect or all gone..I think I was expecting too much of a VS model’s perfect ass haha drinking water, exercising and eating healthy plus putting firming body cream (I use an expensive one from my clinic with 10% caffeine) everyday helps plus I’ll need to do maintenance treatments every year to maintain the results.
  5. Removing spider veins on legs - I started treatments this year, it helps but spider veins are a recurring issue for women especially with age so I will have to do maintenance treatments every year but it’s very good that I started young even if I didn’t have a lot but the ones behind my knees were bothering me a lot. I have very white skin so my veins show easily haha I need to tan more!
  6. Dermabrasion - I started dermabrasion aka removing dead skin on your face this year..I used to have bad acnee when I was young but now my skin is much better although I still get occasional pimples and don’t have perfect skin without makeup.
  7. Acnee creams recommended by my dermatologist that I apply every day or 2 days - I mostly only have some redness and occasional pimples but the products help for that and to make my pores less visible.
  8. Laser eye surgery - I wear contacts and I’m thinking of doing the laser surgery but I’m not sure since lots of people have horror stories so I’m still thinking about it but being free of glasses and contacts would be awesome..I’m just scared of surgeries and try to avoid them as much as possible.
  9. Spray Tan - I don’t want skin cancer so I prefer spray tan when I need to have a nice tan although the maintenance is a pain in the butt..I sometimes do tanning creams at home since I’m pretty good at applying it but that’s annoying to maintain also.
  10. Gym membership - I started going to the gym finally this year although I have always had a pretty athletic body but since I like to eat wtv I want and I’m getting older lol I need to watch out!!
  11. Personal trainer for the gym - I’m going to get one soon so I can learn what to do to target the issues I want to work on plus it’s good to have someone to motivate you since I’m lazy lol
  12. Martial arts or self defense classes - Personally I do martial arts because it’s for my line of work but also because I love to kick ass. I took some self defense classes years ago and it was amazing..I think every woman should do that especially sex workers and SBs..I actually need to brush up on those moves especially the ones when your assailant is on top of you.
  13. Hair and eyelash extensions - I need to get new hair extensions because the hair dresser messed them up when she cut them although I basically never wear them lol too lazy to put them on every time so I’ll look into other options soon and get a SD to pay for it and for eyelash extensions. Never tried that and want to see how it will look and feel.
  14. Makeup and hair tutorials or classes - I started watching more videos on youtube to learn more tricks especially with hair since I suck but I’m getting a lot better..I might get a future SD to pay a hairstylist to show me 5-10 ways to do my hair haha.
  15. Good hair products and makeup - Start investing in good products that don’t ruin your hair and face..When you can it’s good to invest in more expensive products when they are better quality and less chemicals.
  16. Keeping your body soft like a baby’s skin - I put cream every night on my body to keep my body all smooth and soft plus to keep my boobs, stomach, thighs and ass all firm..better to start young!
  17. Facial creams - Very important to keep your face moisturized plus eye cream is always good to start young..those SDs want a baby face not a face ruined by sun and age.
  18. Drinking lots of water - You need minimum 2 liters of water everyday..I basically only drink water..no coffee or soft drinks but juices on occasion and I do love wine when I go out.
  19. Eating healthy - I need to be more disciplined for that because I like to eat wtv I want although I do eat vegetables and fruits everyday.
  20. Be happy and confident - Keep yourself healthy mentally..those men pay for no drama..I actually tried hypnotherapy by curiosity this year..only did 4 sessions to work on my self-esteem and confidence and it was pretty interesting to realize how I bring myself down sometimes.
  21. Teeth are very important! Having a nice smile attracts people including SDs! - Keep your teeth clean and white..I do my teeth cleaning every 9 months now (instead of 12) plus I bought a whitening kit made for me from my dentist to use at home although my teeth are pretty white already. I had braces when I was young so I have perfect teeth..I wear my night retainer occasionally to keep them straight and perfect. 
  22. Massages and acupuncture - I did both this year and need to start doing massages every 2 weeks for my back lol I’ll get a SD to pay for that!
  23. Investing in a new wardrobe - Dressing the part is important and you need something to wear for all those awesome dates you will be going on! Get a SD or POT to take you shopping and choose classic pieces that you will be able to mix and match and pull off multiple outfits with. If you don’t have anyone to pay for it, take some of your money and start buying some nice pieces or even just adding an accessory to your outfit might make the difference. You don’t have to buy expensive brands (wait for a SD to do that for you), until then buy pieces that are good quality and in solid neutral colors. Go for classy not trashy!
  24. Reading more about current events, finances and how to invest money but also some of those self help books. Be aware of what is going on in the world. - I need to start doing this more because I personally don’t follow the news or politics (too depressing) plus I want to learn how to manage my money. It’s always good to be able to hold a conversation with a SD especially if you go to events with him! You want to be the whole package of looks, brains and personality!!
  25. Learning new skills is important in my opinion plus it keeps you busy and SDs will be impressed by your hobbies, interests and skills. - Personally I love reading, cooking (I want to take some classes to get even better), dancing (I took a lot of different dance classes but I want to learn the waltz and other more conservative dances for black tie events), learning new languages (I speak multiple languages and it always impresses people especially in the US for some reason), etc.. With my line of work, I like to acquire new skills as often as I can so I can add them to my CV and stand out..plus it’s fun!

Ok so I’m going to stop here because this post is freaking long lol I’ll add more if I think about something else but just remember that you are selling a product which is yourself and you need to stand out! Being a SB is not just about looking pretty..you have to be interesting too! I see a lot of SD’s profiles that mention personality and not just looks. So take care of yourself mentally and physically :) You got to invest in yourself (the product) to make money..that’s how marketing and business work and it’s the same with sugar dating! Pay your bills and then use some of that allowance on bettering yourself to catch an even bigger fish (or whale lol)!! Go get them girls! xoxo

George Weasley as a dad...
  • Would make his kid his number one priority
  • Vows to protect them and love them despite what trials may face him in the future
  • Cries more than you do at the birth of your first born
  • Is an expert at childproofing the house but forgets to include himself in the process
  • Constantly stealing back Weasley Wizard Wheezes products from your child
  • “Little one, we’ve had this conversation before. If it’s on daddy’s work desk, don’t touch it. I know it looks like candy and you want to eat it but your mum would kill me if you turned green like a toad for the day.” 
  • Is the over enthusiastic dad at all the sporting events
  • Your kids gazing out the window and waiting by the front door at 6:30 on the dot for George’s arrival
  • He always spends time with them and plays dress up with your girls after work no matter how tired or how rough of a day he has had
  • George bragging about your beautiful family
  • Family dinners together every night where each member of the family tells their favorite part about their day
  • Works extra hard at the shop so he can spoil his kids
  • But makes sure to save money on the side for their Hogwarts days
  • He wants nothing more than to give his kids good quality supplies because he knows how it feels to be teased and bullied for something out of his control
  • Although he refuses to give them all brand new accessories since you both agree everything should be in moderation
  • Your family being raised off good morals and kindness
  • But also a lot of laughter and fun
  • Teaching your kids how to play Quidditch
  • Taking them to matches when they are near by
  • He would be really uneasy when your daughter starts dating
  • “Y/n, darling, I don’t know how I feel about this.”
    “George she’s growing up. She can’t stay your little girl forever.”
    “That I strongly disagree with.”
  • Tells endless bedtime stories to the kids about their late uncle Fred
  • Freaks out when your eldest receives their letter to Hogwarts
  • “You’re gonna love it there! Wait- stay right there, I need to go grab that map. I sorted out all the secret passages- you’re going to have a blast.”
    “Sweetheart, what your father means is, don’t forget that you’re there for school and your education comes first, then the fun.”
    “No, no, that’s not at all what I meant.”
  • Family road trips together
  • Your son getting a spot as a starter on the Quidditch team his second year as a Beater and your daughter as a Keeper- George actually loses his mind over this
  • He refuses to miss a single match
  • Your family being very close with the rest of the Weasley’s
  • Play dates with the cousins 
  • George suggesting a move after a few years as a resident in Diagon Alley
  • The apartment above the shop was becoming far too stuffy for your growing family
  • George also wanted to have another child and he knew you would not agree due to the cramped living environment. 
  • He also wants to settle down more and live a domestic life dedicated to you and the kids
  • But the shop is still in close commuting distance
  • You would move into a spacious humble home where the two of you would soon be welcoming your next child
  • George almost shedding a tear the first time your daughter pulls a prank on him
  • Family baking contests every Sunday morning
  • Your team usually winning which George loves to pout about
  • “Aw don’t be such a baby. It’s not my fault our son is a culinary genius!”
    “Yeah but I called dibs on having him this week.”
  • Family game night every other Friday
  • Even though you have kids and are as busy as ever, George still makes sure to keep the romance alive if you know what I mean (;
  • Being a very large and close loving family which is all George every wanted

- Daizy

staying productive during the summer ☀️

hello! i only recently made this studyblr but today i just decided to go ahead and make a post! i thought this particular post would be relevant now because the summer is about to start or has already started for many of us. so, here are some ideas on staying productive during the summer:

work on all your summer assignments

this one’s kind of obvious. if you don’t want to spend the last week/day of the summer frantically doing ALL your summer work, do a little bit each day. to help get myself organized, i printed out some calendars (see picture) and broke down my summer assignments so that way, i only have a little bit to do each day.

prepare for next year

it would be a good idea to see what you can do to help your future self do less work next year. for example: as an ib student, i am planning on using the summer between my junior and senior year to write notes for ib chem and ib bio for multiple reasons, but also because i won’t have to waste time doing that next year. as you can see, i also used my calendar system for this by assigning a section or two to cover each day!

s l e e p

although you can’t really “catch up” on the hours of sleep you missed during the school year, you can still get enough sleep each day! relax! you can go to bed early or late, but you should be sure to get at least 8 hours of sleep! try not to sleep too much, though, because you won’t feel too good when you wake up.

clean!

if you’re anything like me, then after finals your room looks like a tornado hit it!!! now, whether this is or isn’t true, i think it would still be a good idea to do some cleaning. clean your room, organize your closet, donate old clothes, reorganize your desk drawers, rearrange your bookshelf…you will definitely feel so much better after you’re done.

do something cool

why don’t you spend some time during the summer volunteering or picking up a new skill or hobby? you can learn a new language, learn some new recipes, learn to code, learn to draw realistically–you can learn anything!

but don’t forget:

actually have fun

while i believe it is very important to be productive during the summer and get  work done, it’s also important for you to spend time doing things you enjoy: read, draw/paint, watch tv shows, movies, documentaries, hang out with your friends, play video games, play with your pets, go to the beach, visit an amusement park! 

take care of yourself

  • work out a couple times a week. make or listen to a playlist while you work out, find an exercise buddy, and just devote some of your time to exercise! exercising has many benefits!!! it will make you feel good and fresh!
  • take care of your body. put on face masks, hair masks, moisturize…
  • honestly, just do what relaxes you! pamper yourself, you deserve it!
“Cry Followup”, or “See A Doctor! The Musical”

I got sad. A doctor recommended that I go off my anxiety meds because they might be interfering with a bunch of other health issues. I did. It wasn’t good.

I tapered off for months and dealt with the withdrawal symptoms. When they were gone, I felt ok for a few weeks. Then I was easily irritated and sometimes angry. Then weird feelings started to creep in. I guess it was just dread. Maybe it was weird to just be feeling anything after being numbed on meds for so long. I started crying watching movies sometimes or thinking about whatever the fuck. I started getting really sad. Eventually I would cry everyday, sometimes for multiple sessions. It’s strange to think back on that now that I’m safely numbed to fuck again.

My grandfather had died about 8 months earlier and I thought I had emotionally exhausted that, but now it was back and I dwelt on it constantly. I thought of dying with an urgency that I couldn’t distract myself from. I thought of everyone I knew dying. It felt like time was an illusion and it wouldn’t be long until I’m standing beside their open coffins, reflecting on how quickly time had passed and now they’re gone and I’d wasted time not spending more time with them.

Most days I’d just wake up and lie there for hours. I’d try to look at things on my phone to try to distract myself. Snapchat was fun for that. Christ, so was Miitomo. I wouldn’t get any work done. It was difficult to focus and overcome the feeling in my gut of being pulled down and the constant present terror feelings of death and knowing this whole experience will be gone some day, but before that, I’ll watch everyone I know leave too. For a long time, I don’t think I really connected that it was my absence of meds that was doing this to me. I thought maybe it was just circumstances and some kind of Holmes-Rahe scale thing where a bunch of life events happening at once were stacking and compounding my depression feelings. There was no way to win against it and this kind of thing encourages you to not to the things that will typically pull you out of a depression. It makes you want to seclude yourself more and work on further diminishing your self-worth mentally. Instead of seeing friends or doing activities you enjoy, you convince yourself that you’re a burden to them, they don’t really want to see you anyway, and that something bad is going to happen if you go out and do anything. For so many fucking days I just laid there. That makes your depression even worse; your lack of productivity frustrates you and makes you hate yourself. All that wasted time boils your living asshole. It’s a paralysis and you don’t know why you can’t break out of it. You can’t just go into the other room and sit at your computer and do your work. Brains are incredible. Just a bit of absence from a certain chemical changes everything. Of course, you tell yourself things like this, that it’s not really you and that it’s just a biological ineptitude temporarily and that everything will be fine soon enough, but that doesn’t help at all.

That’s the other thing: you don’t feel like this will ever end. This is who you are now. A fucking shrivelled terrified cryhole. I did feel terror quite a few times during all this. It usually gets you when you wake up or try to go to sleep. Everything is still and You are going to fucking die someday, sooner than you think and You have wasted every moment of your life so far blast in your mind and your heart pounds, you can barely breathe, and you might even suddenly groan as panic waves hit your brain in an instant. There’s a terror in knowing there’s no relief from this; that all of these things are true and for some reason you believed the illusion your whole life and weren’t always in the perfect terror about it that you are now. Still, you beg for that trick to come back, to be able to put this mindset away and believe in the stupid shit we tell ourselves just to keep existing in some kind of calm. All these thoughts keep assaulting you with some kind of biological urgency, like you need to figure this problem out immediately or you die. This is what being on chemicals to help your brain for years and then suddenly going off them is like. Your body doesn’t know what the fuck. It’s weird to not give a shit about any of this and then suddenly imperatively have to give a shit about it and be unable to escape it. Even now when I’m in the clear, I still feel its background noise. Maybe I always will from now on. This whole thing has been a Paul on the road to Damascus type ordeal.

I fucking cried watching the new X-Files episodes, my dude. Probably during each one. That’s what it was fucking like. Imagine being in your late ass twenties and something in the X-Files makes you cry because you think of a squandered opportunity, or what you should or shouldn’t have done as a kid, or wishing you had put more effort into certain relationships with family or friends. It just finds anything to grab onto and get you with. You just have a dragging feeling constantly present and looking for things to attach to and convince you you’re sad about. Frankly, it’s fucking annoying. I cried one time because a nintendo phone app was enthusiastic about sharing my character’s picture with others. Just the fact that someone would have an interest in who I am and treat me like a normal person and want to share something about me with other terrible avatars made me cry as I was playing this thing and trying to take a shit. It made me think about my own self-worth and how long I thought there was no reason anyone should give a fuck. Cripe, one time I was almost screaming crying about my best friend who died when we were 11. It was like a fresh wound again and I was lying facedown on my bed wailing like an asshole. Depression can fuck with you.

So, this got pretty bad and I decided I had to see my GP about it. This can become a battle in itself, because past a certain point, you are convinced you aren’t worth the effort and that you’re a burden to have to deal with, and someone else could use that time to see the doctor instead. It gives you any reason to turn yourself down. I cried right away talking to my doctor. All this is really weird to reflect on; I was an entirely different person then. It was like a frantic sadness, an inability to just hold your shit together for even a few minutes. The impending terror was really pressing; a constant urgent anxiety that something bad is going to happen really soon, or that I’m about to get a call that someone I know just died. The doctor recommended seeing a therapist and going back on meds. Now I remember that the reason I finally did something was because my neighbour’s son killed himself. Fuck, that really bothered me. Hearing about any death at all was bad enough, but I think that week I was reading about Edgar Allan Poe’s death and then Vincent Van Gogh’s, and I just got really fixated on vividly imagining their final moments. I think there were others, too. See? Just a stupid thing to waste your time on but in the moment, you think this will help for some reason. Maybe the gravity of that kind of thing hooks you and you can’t help but look into it. So when my neighbour’s son also committed suicide, that was a pretty strong blow. I hadn’t even talked to the guy in over ten years, but I couldn’t help but fixate on having seen his father maybe 3 days prior as he joked in my mom’s backyard and borrowed a ladder. Now his life was ruined and the son he struggled to try to get mental help his whole life had killed himself. He was only 37 and he had a son. I think I spent a few days of weeping out my stupid ass over this, then made the decision to see my doctor.

I started seeing my therapist and cried within 6 minutes of entering his office. I wish I went to see a talk doctor when I was recommended it as a teenager. It’s good shit. Beyond that, I started seeing my friends again. Before this, I think 2 years had passed between us spending time together. I had talked myself into feeling like they were better off without me anyway and had their own real friends and lives that I didn’t have anything to do with. I started to exercise and even just take walks around the block. Sometimes, if I was just lying awake staring at the ceiling, I’d get up and go for a run. I started being able to work on videos again and looked forward to it. Thinking back on it now, I realize I kept streaming during the whole time. That would become the only thing I’d do or look forward to for most of this stretch. SO THANKS IF YOU LOOKED AT MY TERRIBLE STREAMS DURING THIS ERA I WAS QUITE WOUNDED AND I’M HOPEFUL THAT I WASN’T TREMENDOUSLY OBVIOUS ABOUT THIS, YOU HELPED KEEP ME STABLE WATCHING ME PLAY WITH CHILDREN’S TOYS. Beyond this, I’d just sleep until the afternoon and try to find a way to kill time until the streams started. This is why there were even less videos than usual. I was sad.

So, these things helped pull me out of the shit. A lot of it is self-examination and discovering why you feel this way in the first place. I’ve talked to my therapist about whether or not this whole thing was because of being on meds for so long and then going off them and feeling a withdrawal, or if that’s who I am underneath the medication.  He said that it is probably both, but more that that’s who I am. Fuck. He categorized this as a major depressive episode. It was weird to just hear the words. That is the kind of thing that happens to people in their mid-30s in office jobs who are getting shit on by everything in their lives. I guess it can also make you feel like a diva asshole; that you feel you’re so important that you had to have this major crisis about yourself. Writing this makes me realize how stupid it is to think like this, but that’s the kind of trap you get put into. Anyway, let me emphasize how important it is to see a therapist if you are depressed. Do it. It can change everything. Also talk to a doctor and see if meds are part of your solution. See a doctor. Do not just let it go. This is like if you had cancer and you just wanted to wait it out or hoped it would get better on its own. A lot of people let it go until it’s overwhelming and consumes them completely and just kill themselves to end the pain. Don’t!

I got better. I went on meds and in just a few weeks I made a drastic improvement. Plus the therapy, and plus feeling like I was doing anything with my life again. I hear a lot about hesitation to go on meds because you feel like they may change the foundation of who you ever are. This doesn’t happen. For me, it made me feel more free to be who I felt like I really was. That said, it may numb your emotions if you are a person who typically feels a lot of things. Just talk to a doctor about any concerns you have and don’t let these build up and become reasons you don’t get help for yourself. You are worth it. The doctor isn’t angry to have to deal with you. If it will cost what you can’t afford, don’t let that become an excuse not to do it. Save up or find a way to make it work. Again, it’s like if you couldn’t afford cancer treatments so you just let it kill you instead of finding out how you can make the situation work financially. What you’re dealing with is serious! Do something about it!

I almost forgot to mention that a lot of getting better was having something to look forward to. Knowing I’d see my friends and we’d have a good time was part of it. Another was spending all of my fucking money to go to as many conventions as I could. They were something I enjoyed in the past but didn’t bother with much anymore, so I decided to get back into them. It was the best choice. Thanks for coming to drink a lot of beers and talk shit if I saw you at a PAX or TwitchCon or Magfest! They were sincerely some of the best times of my life. Knowing that it wouldn’t be long until I’d be at another convention helped a lot with otherwise feeling complete dread. The power of giving yourself something great to look forward to is really strong! Do it! Find things you like and make time for them. Reward yourself! At one point, I got into a really unbalanced lifestyle and would spend maybe 60 or 70 hours a week editing videos and I burned myself out to shit. All I would think about was the job and let my health and relationships go to shit. You’re not supposed to do that. Give yourself good things and make it a habit. Anyway, PAX East soon, my man.

When I wrote my last crypost, a lot of people responded it it. I was in a daze for the rest of that day as I heard from a mountain of individuals. A lot of you deal with issues like this and a lot of you feel hopeless about it. It’s fucked up! This is your life! You’re entitled to a good one! Doing something about it will take a lot less than you may think, and will help you in a lot more ways and probably faster than you may think. A lot of you also said since that you’ve decided to finally get help. So yeah motherfucker I had a cool cry about your messages several times. What was also helpful was anonymous tumblr questions saying they got help so others could see your experiences and know I’m not just yelling out my dick about this. Thanks! You helped people!

Ok I think I have to cut this short now, it got late and I try not to stay awake until fucking 7 AM these days. I feel like I missed a few of the main points I wanted to make but by now I think you get the point that you can feel like you are going to face total annihilation within the next few moments and still get back to normal in very little time. I almost just wrote “Hopefully talking about my own cringe-ass experience helped you with…” and so forth to end this on a light-hearted self-shitting, but that again is part of the problem. Feeling as if your issues are embarrassing, not worthy, juvenile, or to be written off as not serious is no good. I know we joke about this kind of thing to help deal with it, but don’t feel that way for real. AGAIN, YOU’RE WORTH IT. YOU’RE GOOD! YOU’RE WORTH DOING WHATEVER IT TAKES TO FEEL NOT FUCKED UP! GO! 


Go!

game difficulty & accessibility

sometime tho can we have a Real conversation about games and accessibility? 

like, some of the big questions i have are:

  • what level of difficulty do different players desire when playing a game? sure, some gamers want to be pushed to the edge of their limits while playing, but others just want a fun way to decompress after a hard day - is it possible to design games for both audiences? 
  • I know ppl will go on and on about the ideal balance being a state of “flow” but like… is the optimal “flow” state different for different people? do some gamers require more challenge to acheive a full sense of blissful productivity, while other gamers want a more relaxed and punishment-free environment?
  • for gamers that do want more of a chellenge, what makes good “difficult” games feel fair rather than just frustrating? how do we balance challenges so that players don’t just give up in annoyance, but rather feel like success is within their grasp?
  • how can game challenges be created to scale for a variety of skill and interest levels? are there better ways to do this than an arbitrary difficulty selection screen? mechanically, is the best way to accomplish this merely to scale the stats and variables involved, or to actually alter the nature of the challenge / puzzle?
  • what are the different types of challenges that games use to create difficulty? are there pros and cons to the different challenge types (reaction-time/reflex, pattern memorization, logic puzzle, etc.)? i’ve heard people talk about challenges in execution (i.e. how well you can hit certain buttons with a certain timing) vs challenges that require more thought and planning.
  • when designing for players who struggle with certain physical skills, how do you still make challenges in the game fun? if a player is physically unable to quickly and accurately press the right button, how do you still design a reaction-based challenge that doesn’t feel impossible? are there other types of challenges you could implement? 
  • what about designing for players with bad memories, or short attention spans, or difficulty with spatial reasoning, or difficulty processing multiple simultaneous sources of information? can one mechanic even be designed to accomidate every possible type of player that will encouter your game?
  • does every player need to have the same experience with a game? if players are fundamentally different, and have different skills and limits, how can you design a set of mechanics that allows each player to utilize their own strengths? how can you make it so that a player who is bad at a certain challenge is still able to have fun - maybe by making it so that there are several possible ways to advance past any particular roadblock?
  • and, lastly, if different players are going to experience the game differently, are there parts of your plot that you want every player to experience? are these parts of the plot hidden behind challenges that some players, no matter how hard they try, won’t ever be able to complete? 

yeah idk hopefully people have some thoughts other than “blah blah git gud only hardcore players deserve to enjoy games” bc that shit is disgusting as fuck

depression is one of those things that once you acknowledge you have it (which i only did, like, last year) it’s not a thing that sort of dissipates. i was silly to think that when i was a kid i cured myself of my depression (even though i was diagnosed with it at 10) but all i really did was juxtapose myself against my mum and think, “well i’m not that bad.” and as there’s hardly any nuanced conversations about what depression is, and what it feels like to be in the midst of it, it’s very easy to characterize it as something that is inexplicable, inorganic and alien. 

so much has happened in 2017. from my mum’s recent suicide attempt, to the publisher i was working with going under, to the Muslim ban, to feeling like i’m suffocating under the exhaustion of working and feeling like i’m not getting anywhere… i am finally looking for ways out that don’t include some external factor. like: i’ll be happier if i get this job; or if i make this much money in this month i’ll be ok. everything comes back to feeling productive but truth is, i haven’t been feeling productive for this year’s entirety. most days i can’t even write, and i don’t want to because it feels so hard.

as a creative, how do you balance happiness (when you have a proclivity to/for sadness) without it being attached to your creative worth, and value of your work. the reality, for me and many others, is that i can’t self care without money—but then, how do you make money if you’re a creative? you have to create! and if you work another job, you feel so depleted to actually create… it’s an endless cycle. 

i keep saying to myself, i just want it to get easier. but i’m not entirely convinced it ever does. and that’s overwhelming. 

here’s a moment of me, maybe first time in 2017, when i felt deeply content: https://www.instagram.com/p/BQyYwmzl3bw/?taken-by=fariha_roisin

hope you’re looking after yourself out there. 

i feel like the narrative on women and makeup has become so muddled and confused and misguided. there is honestly an industry at this point based on denying that makeup has anything to do with patriarchy in any way, shape or form. despite the obvious fact that, no, the vast majority of men do not wear makeup–and yes, we still consider many of them beautiful without it, and without even thinking about it. 

the beauty industry has become attuned enough to the change in culture and women’s increasing liberation over time that they can no longer get away with marketing all their products as “fixes” for your “flaws.” no, they’ve actually co-opted feminist/activist rhetoric to sell their products to you. this imbues their product with a significance and a weight that, without this language, it simply does not have. sadly a lot of this language is similarly used by makeup blogs/vlogs/instagrams/etc without understanding that the capitalist machine has pushed this nonsense on us for years to dupe us. let’s actually take a look at some modern advertising in the beauty industry:

wow! it’s almost like “having it all” sounds familiar? hm, where have i heard that?

this is just one of dozens of products that compare their makeup to a revolution.

the beauty industry has been steadily using rhetoric to suggest that cosmetics bring women power and the like, such as:

but when all else fails, don’t convince women that beauty products will empower, change, enliven them, or make them assertive. just tell them it’s a part of who they are!

because how could the real you shine through without the help of some new foundation or lipstick?

there is such an absurdity to these slogans and such a sexism to the idea that these products are going to change women’s lives, bring them confidence, give them power or anything else. these products, nine times out of ten, are going to paint women’s faces in order to make them more appealing to the patriarchy.

it’s even gone far enough that women online have recently created a hashtag #thepowerofmakeup (?) to insist that makeup is not due to insecurities or a desire to please boys, but simply a personal choice and pleasure that exists in a vacuum and has nothing to do with anything else ever. this is the extent of the brainwashing. i don’t condemn these women in any way because their lack of understanding is not their fault and is a product of growing up in the society they have. to make myself perfectly clear, i do not condemn any women who wear makeup in any context. however the hashtag creator’s notion that “nowadays…it’s almost a crime to love doing your makeup” is literally baffling. makeup has never been more popular or beloved than it is right now, and the small group of people criticizing its misogynistic origins are nothing compared to the millions of women who feel compelled to spend hundreds every year on these products. it’s incredible to see women who do wear makeup portrayed as the outcasts, while women who don’t wear makeup know that they’ll have a tougher time getting jobs, be consistently assumed tired/upset/having a bad day, and be generally considered less desirable and inadequately feminine on the whole. 

speaking of the growing prominence of youtube channels, instagrams, tumblrs, etcetcetc centered around makeup and makeup products, i want to make a point. can makeup be art? absolutely! can makeup be fun? absolutely! can makeup exist totally separate from male dominant spaces? i’m not positive, but i think it’s possible. however, it is the dominant culture’s obsession with and need for these products which is harmful to women and girls. many will proclaim that, “i like how i look without makeup too!” and “i can still leave the house without it!” but, as someone who once constantly reiterated these phrases, unfortunately i know them to be denials in many many cases. i felt myself, over the years, insisting that i could leave the house without makeup, yet found myself doing that, at most, five times in an entire year. i told myself i liked how i looked without makeup, yet after two days in the house without a drop, i looked in the mirror and felt ugly, dirty, incomplete. and i know i am not alone. sure makeup makes you feel beautiful, but why?

if we want to talk honestly about makeup and the enormous influence it has on women and girls, we have to rid ourselves of patriarchal notions and delusions that makeup “just makes me feel good!” and embrace the idea that we can feel good, all the time, be beautiful, all the time, no matter what we look like, without makeup in any form. our choices do not exist in a vacuum, and there was a reason i cried hysterically to my mother at 13 for not being allowed to wear mascara. all women are beautiful, all the time. it’s okay that women wear makeup. we just need to start examining why we want to, and patriarchy’s role in that “choice.”

It's the weekend!!

Hello lovelies! Here’s some reminders for the weekend.
•drink lots of water
•take a rest day if you need one
•you made it through another week, I am so proud of you!
•allow yourself some time to sit, pray, or meditate quietly and focus your thoughts.
•remember those meds!! they’re meant to help you 💕
•you’re worthy, valid, and loved.
•make your bed, do some laundry, etc. do productive things even if they are very small. It will make you feel less overwhelmed.
•you will be the person you want to be. Allow yourself the time to change healthily and at your own pace.
•I believe in you, and I am so proud of you.

Keep pushing, beauties. 🌸💪🏼

-Abi xx

3

Form your habits

free printable you can download here

Forming your habits can be extremely difficult, here’s a tool that can help you achieve that.
I use a 21 days calendar because it’s customary in these sort of things. It’s not scientifically based but usually 21 days are enough for most people to create a new lasting habit. Sometimes you’ll need more.

All the sections in the printable are there to help you, so I really recommend you fill every part! Let’s see what those are:

Triggers - it can be anything, even an alarm on your phone, but I suggest you ‘latch’ your new habit to some old one you have. Like if you want to start flossing, use as a trigger ‘after washing my teeth’ or something logical like that. Also put this printable somewhere you can see, so that you’ll be reminded of it!

Rewards - while the habit in itself should be a reward you definitely need something a little more short term because sometimes it’s difficult to see the long term plan. Something small and easy, like congratulating yourself, or crossing off the task in your planner or app, or buy something small like a song or an app, or do a little dance or whatever it might work for you and might bring a smile on your face.

Why am I doing this? - This is possibly the most important. if you don’t have a personal reason to form a new habit you’ll never find the motivation to do it.

Tiny Victories - More often than not you’ll face all sort of obstacles during your attempt to form your habit. Consider from the beginning a list of small wins that are a ‘lighter version’ of your habit. So you don’t have to punish yourself if you don’t get that day to perform your habit. It will make it easier for you to start the habit and it will not become a chore. 

“but I just don’t want to today…” - We are our worst enemies. You know yourselves pretty well, you probably have tried more than once to attempt this habit, so you know how many excuses you can come up in the next 21 days to avoid working on your habit… “I’m too stressed to do this” “I was so good yesterday I can take a day off” “I’m on vacation”… and so on. Make a list of replies to yourself, now that your excitement is at the top so in the next days you’ll be able to read it again and convince yourself to actually do what you proposed yourself to do.


Here’s a list of good habits you might want to try:

  • daily review of your planner
  • cleanup your desk
  • meditate
  • take a walk
  • exercise for 30 minutes
  • 15 minutes of gesture drawing
  • wake up early
  • work 30 minutes on your personal project
  • use a language app
  • write in your journal
  • clean something
  • drink enough water