i do this to myself too often

How I recognized comp het/coercive heteronormativity

I get a lot of asks about how to tease apart genuine attraction from compulsory heterosexuality/coercive heteronormativity and how I figured it out and all that and the sucky answer is that there’s no cut-and-dry test or yes or no way to figure it out. Ultimately, in the end, you’ll have to decide whether you feel genuine attraction for men or whether it’s been conditioned into you. That doesn’t mean your conclusion can’t change over time, but you have to make the call in the end. No one else can make it for you.

Statements I have that helped me (speaking from my own experience) conclude that I was experiencing compulsory heterosexuality and not genuine attraction to men that might resonate with you:

  • I like getting attention from men and being validated in my attractiveness, but the moment it goes from attention to an interaction (i.e. from flirting to asking out) I start panicking.
  • I’m constantly testing my attraction to men. I pick one or more conventionally attractive men in the room, and try to force myself to be attracted to them.
  • I like the idea of being with a man, but any time a man makes a move on me I get incredibly uncomfortable.
  • I like the idea of marrying a man/being in a relationship with a man, but I can always pick out a reason to not want to date any man that is interested in me or any man suggested to me. These reasons are sometimes reasonable, but often insignificant (i.e. “I don’t like guys who do their hair like that, he has a weird mole on his face, he’s too tall”).
  • I can fantasize about men and find men attractive, but thinking about realistically being with a man makes my stomach churn.
  • The guys I like always seem to be incredibly feminine or gay. (This never happened to me specifically, but it has happened to many friends).
  • Alternatively, the guys I like are always a hyper masculine man’s man who embodies everything about manliness.
  • The guys I like are always unattainable.
  • I get crushes on guys but they immediately disappear the moment they might like me back.
  • When I think about guys, I think about all the things that I could tolerate doing with them (dating, kissing, sex, marriage) but always in terms of what I could force myself to do, not what I want to do.
  • Being around guys that are interested in me gives me intense anxiety.
  • I like male celebrities, fictional men, and men in art, but never men in real life.
  • All of my fantasies around men are always with faceless, nameless men; the more realistic the fantasy and the more details about my partner I invent, the less excited and into the fantasy I become.
  • I want to marry a man, be a stay at home, have 2.5 kids and a dog named Spot, live in the suburbs, and have my kids play sports and paint. I have no idea why I want this, I can’t pick out anything about this goal that is appealing to me, but I want this to happen.
  • Your fantasies about men still somehow turn out to be a little gay. Maybe you’re penetrating him, you don’t have to look at his face/don’t want to look at his face (I had and still have this one big time), you want a threesome with another woman, he’s very feminine, etc. It might be a “straight fantasy” but you’ve altered it in a way straight people might not be totally interested in.
  • Your fantasies about men give you intense distress or anxiety. They could be intrusive thoughts, forms of self-harm, or otherwise.
  • You figure you’re attracted to men but don’t really have any evidence for it. (i.e. “I guess I’m attracted to men because I had a crush on Brian in 2nd grade. I don’t hate men and I have men who I am friends with and whose company I enjoy. Why wouldn’t I be attracted to men?”)

This by no means an exhaustive list of how compulsive heterosexuality/coercive heteronormativity affects people, and there are plenty of people who are genuinely attracted to men who may relate and identify with one or more of these bullet points. However, if you relate to or identify with a lot of these things, I’d say it’s worth an investigation into why so many of these things resonate with you. Is it because you have a specific taste in men or because society has conditioned you to want this? Is it because you have bad experiences with men related to trauma or because these kinds of desires have been ingrained into you? I can’t answer those questions for you, and it will probably take some soul-searching but these are things I noticed for myself that indicated to me I wasn’t experiencing genuine attraction to men.

If anyone else has any compulsory heterosexuality/coercive heteronormavitiy signs they’d like to share, feel free!

In defense of sniff walks (and the dogs that need them)

It’s very easy for us, as dog owners, to get into a routine that ignores some of the basic drives of our dogs. Sometimes the desires of our dogs are annoying and inconvenient. Sometimes dangerous. Sometimes they are weird and slow us down. But sometimes they are a necessary form of enrichment.

When we work, our dogs are often shut in the house or kennel to rest. When we sleep, we expect them to sleep. When we take them for walks, we expect them to get moving at all times. When they stop to smell the grass (or graze), a weird rock, or a squirrel trail, we often get frustrated and call them to us. After all, most of us are on a schedule. I find myself forgetting that while I experience stimulation constantly, all day every day, dogs do not get the same opportunity. I propose that when possible, and when a dog expresses interest, we allow them those moments to sniff. To track. To excite themselves and eat the grass. After all, their life experiences are shaped by what we allow, and often what we have time for. Make time to let your dog be a dog! Most of us could use the moment to take in our surroundings and observe the world, too.

I was never good at dealing with the part where people left my life. Sometimes it felt as if my heart and dreams were shattered to pieces. But then I came to realize that them leaving had little to do with me.
The people who come into our lives are there for a reason. We’re often not aware of it, but I believe their purpose is to bring what we need in that time and place of our life. They leave for that reason too.
We let people touch our lives and when they do, they leave a mark. Whether it’s heartbreaking or heartwarming, we are never the same. At least I never was. At some point, I started to feel like I evolved into a slightly different and a more understanding version of myself. I came to know that dreams might die and eventually other dreams will awaken. And maybe, without realizing it I touch lives and dreams too. And if so, may it always be with love, wisdom and compassion. Because in the end what matters the most is what we learn and how well we pass it on.
Even when dreams come to die.
—  aashiquidreams  // Journal of Dying Dreams
Punish me (Smut)
I did a thing. I figured it to be best if this was EXO member optional, since with this storyline you could end up with any EXO member really. God forgive me for I have sinned. 

Pairing: EXO member x Reader (You will have to choose one at a certain point, or read it nine times)

Genre: Smut

Edit: Apparently the first part can be classified under ‘humour’. My sister read this and she was laughing her ass off? I did not intend for this to happen but yeah… If it’s the same for you, enjoy.

Word count: 4670 words

Warning: Phone sex, Oral sex, explicit language.

Punish me:

“No, I’m not a free phone sex service!” I shout annoyed through my mobile and immediately cut the call, throwing my mobile onto the kitchen counter. Once, just once, I had been spotted in public with the members of EXO and that was the result; forty calls a day that begin with either “What are you wearing?” or “Tell me how wet you are”.

My mother is the fixed cleaning lady for the Exo dorm, but she broke her leg a few weeks ago. In agreement with SM, I replace her until she gets better. It is summer holiday and that way I don’t need to search for a summer job.

The guys from EXO are my age, so of course the relationship between EXO and me is different than the relationship my mom has with them. Whilst my mom is more a motherly figure, I am more of a friend. That’s why a few days ago, they asked me to go out for dinner with them.

Keep reading

I’m about to give you some advice that I don’t usually follow myself, but that I know works.

Confused? Yeah, me too.

Motivation is often a story killer. You’re tired from a long day at school or work or looking after kids. The last thing you want to do is glue your face to a computer screen and do even more work, right? That scene you were thinking about all day can wait, you’ll get to it another time when you’re rested and bothered.

But you (I,) shouldn’t think like that. This is what I tend to do If I want to write but aren’t bothered to.

Open your word document, and just read the last few sentences you wrote to get your story fresh in your mind.

Then do something else. Make some food, do some cleaning. Something mindless, that doesn’t require a lot of attention. Something to move yourself away from the screen- and no, social media doesn’t count. You don’t want to get sucked in.

(I find that I’ll be thinking about my story as I do these tasks, which makes my motivation slowly return.)

After a while, go back to your document and write a few lines. I usually end up writing a hundred words or so, which isn’t great but still progress.

Of course this might not work for everyone- there are people out there who write regardless of motivation or inspiration and I hope to get to that level some day.

But for now, I hope this can help someone with motivation , even if it’s just for a moment.


Happy writing.

anonymous asked:

I think about what if I just went ahead and killed myself often and I just wish i was ok

Please message me so we can talk about it, and the same goes for anyone else out there with suicidal thoughts because your life and your problems are important and deserve to be known. 

I know calling a suicide hotline sounds too intense and confrontational for many people to deal with, so if you’d rather message me privately then you always can, and I’ll keep what you say 100% between us. I’m not a professional, but I do care!

If anyone else would talk to people online with suicidal thoughts, please leave a comment in the notes.

Also leave a comment if you care about this anon! <3

i try to stay positive through whatever. i try to live up to people’s standards whenever i can. i smile whenever it’s appropriate too, even though i’m only pretending to. i always try to do the “right” thing.. even though many times it really felt like the wrong thing. i try to show up for people. i attempt to show up, and look good, for the person people believe me to be. this person who, i believe, is sacred and supreme. god, isn’t she celestial? isn’t she lovely? i believe they think i’m someone who they wanna be a little something alike. and i think to myself.. “they don’t want this fight.” this mind game. this psyche. looking at shit different these days, like— i might be paying karma it’s last dues.. but i feel like i got too much more to do. i can hear death singing her song in my ear, and boy do her blues sound pretty. like— she really put the time in. she really got me feeling some kind of way. like— could somewhere else be a better place? i get bored too often here. i wanna jump off from here. wanna feel the breeze and see the beauty as i’m falling. then i wanna panic until the parachute rises to catch me. i wanna trust for once. wouldn’t that be the right thing to do? to have faith in something even if there is no landing safely? can’t say i truly even care if i’ll land safely. more concerned if i’ll land alone. see, that’s my issue. needing to be in control. needing to narrate a love story because i was taught that’s all that will ever matter. love. even when, throughout my life, i can’t say that’s what mattered most.
— 

Reyna Biddy

Headcanon, Danny has ADHD

Okay, maybe it’s because I have ADHD and I like seeing fictional characters that are like me, but hear me out here.

-He has mild inattentive type, more commonly known as just ADD, (no hyperactivity)
-It’s mild, so he doesn’t NEED medication, but maybe he should. He’s not going to though. I’ll bet he hasn’t even been diagnosed.
-Absent-mindedly touching the inside of a high voltage broken machine while walking in? That’s something I would do.
-Hyper focus would definitely help him while fighting.
-He’s really smart but gets bad grades, even when he studies. He finds studying subjects he doesn’t like to be really hard. See: Teacher of the year
-He seems to overreact to some things and has pretty strong emotions. This doesn’t happen with everyone that has ADHD, but it can be an effect. He screams a lot even when he should be used to what is happening. Call me crazy, but it feels like Tucker and Sam are a lot less vocal in battle than he is.
-I don’t think he means to let Sam and Tucker take a lot of blows and let them take the blame. I think he just has slightly less impulse control than the average person and isn’t good at thinking consequences through.
-ADHD can be hereditary and if you think there is absolutely no possible way that Jack has ADHD or a similar illness then I don’t understand your logic.
-Also there’s that theory floating around that ectoplasm is mildly radioactive and/or Maddie being around it while pregnant could have some kind of effects on her kids. This could have led to Danny having a slightly underdeveloped prefrontal cortex, which is what causes ADHD.
-He’s bad at dodging. I too have spaced out during situations where I should have been dodging and either saw the thing coming at me and for some reason didn’t move or just didn’t think about it and got hit. However, when I’m having a good day I’m really good at it. That’s how Danny can honestly say he’s “a whiz at dodgeball” and still get hit as much as he does.
-He’s really smart but misses obvious things. He also thinks out loud a lot. This is something my brother and a few other people I know who also have ADHD do as well.
-A lot of people with inattentive type (including myself) have a hard time making and keeping friends. Will often have either no friends and a few acquaintances or one or two really close ones.
-If you believe the trans Danny headcanons, that can explain why he hasn’t gotten help yet. It’s a lot harder to recognize and diagnose ADHD in girls and people that were socialized as girls.
-He comes up with puns and insults on the spot. Neurotypicals can do that too, but when you have ADHD, your brain often makes seemingly random connections a lot faster than the average person. This helps with making spur of the moment puns and solving mysteries. Remember how he figured out Spectra was a ghost?

So, yeah. That’s my reasoning. I just honestly think that him having ADHD clears up a lot of things about his character. But, I’m not a psychiatrist. I’m just one guy that has ADD. This is just me speculating.
The Signs As: The Front Bottoms

Aries: The Plan (Fuck Jobs)
Never underestimate
Poor, hungry and desperate
My body is a temple
How much you think I could get for it?
And I will take cold showers from now on until I learn
That once you fuck the fire all that’s left to do is burn
Baby, burn, baby, burn

Taurus: Everything I Own
It’s reached the point in the night where I need to decide
Whether I’m gonna fall asleep or watch the sunrise
We are both into letting this develop
But the thought of starting over always sounded so much better
But I won’t stop this, and you won’t stop this
It’ll probably go further than either of us wanted
And it all comes down to the fact that I don’t care to
Sacrifice a good time ‘cause someone says I have to

Gemini: More Than It Hurts You
Talk to myself too often trying hard to figure out
Why all these feelings that lie in my stomach
Are always pushing for my mouth
So I will learn to sleep on my chest
And I will learn to let things go
And I will learn to come to terms with the things that I will never know

Cancer: Jim Bogart
I would stop doing all those things the doctor tells me not to do
But I don’t think he understands, I do all of these things for you
And you’ve got gold plastic on your shelf that they gave to everybody else
And you can say it says your name but I don’t think that that would help

Leo: Be Nice To Me
You’re a flashlight in a dark room for the loneliest black-out
You were all that we had left after it all was filtered out
Turn you on in a dark room right before we both pass out
Turn you on when I need you, but the batteries ran out
They ran out

Virgo: Lipstick Covered Magnet
Pretend that this is fake
It helps to kill the pain
All that you want is different
All that you’ll get is same
There’s nothing more to say
I think I’ve said it all
I’m sitting on the edge
I’m waiting for the fall.

Libra: Backflip
One day I will realize I don’t need this because it is just not who I am
Until that day comes, I’ll keep my eyes closed, and I will try to feel all of the effects
Yeah, I will try to feel all of the effects
And now I am talking way too fast and a little bit louder than I should,
Trying to say thank you for understanding my side of the story the best that you could
My side of the story the best that you could
My side of the story the best that you could
The best that you could


Scorpio: Peach
One day you will find someone who will love you like you deserve
But tonight I’m the only one left and I’m betting it’s a fact that you will never learn
Once I sink my teeth, your skin’s not so toughI’ll leave a tiny cut, there’ll be a lot of blood
But once you wipe it up you will feel better about our entire situation


Sagittarius: Boredom Is The Reason I Started Swimming. It’s  Also The Reason I Started Sinking
Keep it simple and honest
Stop crying, you’re an adult
I could stand up, I could man up
It’s just so convenient to be fragile
This pain is constant and sharp
Watching the signals that you send
I wanna feel lethal on the inside
I wanna read American Psycho again

Capricorn: Skeleton
I walk around like a skeleton last night
Confused and alone
Who was I kidding I cant get past you,
You are the cops, you are my student loans
You are a head shaped hole
In a sheet rock wall
You are the pain I feel
You are the stud in the wall
Better than nothing at all


Aquarius: Swear To God The Devil Made Me Do It
I wanna make tear-jerking-shower-curtain-camera’s-running genius
I wanna make them think they’re seeing something they ain’t never seen before
But I am full of shit, I’m a plagiarist
As a liar, I’m a ten
I just want this to mean something to anyone even if they don’t know who I am
I am, I am, I am


Pisces: Just As Big Twice As Swollen
Hey, sweetheart, where’d you get those eyes?
Do you think that I could have a pair?
Love the way that they glaze over
No point in pretending that we care
There are cracks between the concrete that we will all fill up with time
If you wanna move ahead, you will have to leave me behind

dysphoria in butches

i’ve had this post inside me for awhile now, but i’ve overall been too lazy to actually write it, lol. but seeing julia @butchcommunist answer an anon from a butch wondering if you can be a butch woman and be dysphoric gave me the push. (preface: yes, you can be butch and dysphoric.) this begs the question as to why there are so many butches who experience this, especially top dysphoria, when its not because we want to be men. take me for example: the one thing that is stopping me from getting top op is not wanting to be read as a man more often; i have no interest whatsoever in passing. so i’ve had to do a bit of self reflection on this over time - what my body means to me, what breasts mean culturally, what no breasts means culturally.

everything that is assigned to having breasts in our subconscious is antithetical to how i see myself as a butch. i don’t mean that this is something that is true, having breasts IS NOT antithetical to anything, let alone being a butch lesbian. outside of cultural messaging, they don’t have meaning! they just are. but every image we’ve ever seen of them is sexualized for male consumption. to a great degree that’s their meaning culturally - for example, how its OK to have big victorias secret billboards but women cant breastfeed in public. even as a completely flat chested child, i was jealous that male cousins could run outside in the heat with no shirt on and i had to sweat. when i got a bit older, puberty meant boys snapping bras and adult men ogling. it meant death of freedom, it meant humiliation i couldn’t understand yet.

like being hypersexual or shutting down sexually after assault, i think that young girls “playing into” sexualizing their female attributes vs young girls wanting to reject their female attributes are two sides of the same coin, because girls’ socialization is… pretty inherently traumatic. the physical and psychological affects of a hourglass forming corset vs a binder are actually very similar. its always the body that has to be “fixed,” to be escaped. i’ve heard butches talk about how they feel like their bodies are mismatched collages - masculine here, feminine there. it is not uncommon for women to mentally cut themselves into pieces rather than seeing ourselves as one whole life sustaining body that is you. 

another aspect is for those of us who have always been visibly “different” - people staring before you realized why, finding out you’re a lesbian by being called one from a car, adults asking if you’re a girl or a boy before you are old enough to understand the question, never being able to look quite right when you try to blend in as feminine - how do you not internalize that into your body? something is wrong with me, something is wrong with my body, everyone can see it. that is incredibly formative. you can’t possibly not be psychologically affected by it, even if you’re old enough to know why its happening, but especially if its been happening since early childhood. how do you not feel alienated from the vessel that alienates everyone else so much?

for me, its been incredibly helpful to process over time what my shape means and what it doesn’t mean. reconceptualizing what living in a female body means is hard work and it involves healing from trauma that i’ve only been recently able to tackle! but my god has it been worth it. talking with other butches and seeing our commonalities is a healing thing in & of itself – its so crazy for me to think that i used to think i had to make myself disappear in order to keep living, that i had to somehow figure out how to be feminine, how to be a man, or to die, when in reality there are so many women like me, and all i had to do was say hello. ask, do you experience this too? what about this?

more often than not the answer has been yes. 

5

July’s Featured Game: SLARPG

DEVELOPER(S): Bobby “ponett” Schroeder
ENGINE: RPGMaker VX Ace 
GENRE: RPG, Fantasy
SUMMARY: SLARPG is a short, turn-based RPG following the story of Melody Amaranth, a kindhearted but meek transgender fox who’s decided to learn healing magic and become a paladin. She’s joined by her adventurous girlfriend Allison, as well as their friends Claire (a sarcastic, rule-bending witch)(she is also trans) and Jodie (a dependable, somewhat motherly knight). Over the course of the story, our inexperienced heroes will meddle with forces beyond their control and find themselves responsible for the fate of their quaint little hometown. They’ll also fight some spherical frogs, travel to a forgotten land in the sky, befriend a robot or two, and anger the local librarian. But that should go without saying. 

Our Interview With The Dev Team Below The Cut!

Keep reading

Why am I single?
Am I stopping myself from falling in love? Or am I truly just not falling for anyone? I don’t know which option I fear more. If the first is true, then I may be dooming myself to a life alone. If it’s the second, well, that wouldn’t be my fault, would it? But it’s no less discouraging to think that no one in my world could ever interest me.

I get crushes sometimes, yes, but (and this sounds weird) I can’t even tell how serious they are. I second-guess my own feelings constantly. Do I really like this person, or am I just fooling myself? All too often, it feels like I’m imagining I like them just because I like the idea of being madly in love. It’s more about the idea than the actual person.

I can create an image around a person that obscures who they really are, and pretty soon I’m in love with the image, but all the while in my gut I know that the image is not accurate and what I’m actually in love with is an illusion. That’s not true love. I know that. So I don’t allow myself to actually engage with the person, because I know it’s not what I think it is. In that sense, I guess you could say I do keep myself from falling in love… but not without reason.

You see, in every case, I see red flags. Even beyond the smokescreen of the fantasy image I create around a person, these red flags are always visible to my deeper instinct. And when I say “red flags,” I mean intrinsic qualities or ingrained habits that I do not want in a romantic partner. Things that the person obviously either could not or would not change. Things that I am ultimately just not okay with. They stand out to my subconscious mind, flashing cold warning lights, spelling doom for any hope of a relationship with that person.

If I didn’t see these kinds of red flags, I like to think that I would do it. I would move forward. I would give the person a chance. But when I see these kinds of things beforehand, plain as day… I mean, am I supposed to ignore them? So far, I have not been able to do that. I know what I want, and I know what I do not want. Why should I walk straight into a situation that I know is not what I want? Won’t I be kicking myself later for making such a stupid move, eyes wide open?

At the end of the day, I wonder:

Will there ever be someone who doesn’t strike me as full of warning signs, someone I won’t have to invent a mostly false image around so that I can pretend to have a crush on them?

Will I just end up caving in and dating someone who is below my standards?

Am I keeping myself from happiness, or sparing myself genuine heartache and wasted time?

As always, the standard answer to all my life’s questions resurfaces: I don’t know.

—  Submitted by @angelwithashatteredheart
Neighbors

Hey! Sorry, I know it’s been a while since I posted a one-shot! Believe me when I say I have a lot of stuff in the works… school has just been kicking my ass.

This is for this prompt, requested by @legendarylangst.

So Lance and Keith are neighbors - their bedrooms share a wall - (apartments) anyway, Lance gets sick - like rlly sick - so he stays home and tries to sleep it off, but in his sleep he moans ans groans because even in his sleep he’s in pain. and Keith thinks he’s getting off,, and bangs on the wall ans then when it doesnt stop he goes to the door and pounds on the door until Lance answers while in a blanket

Hope you guys enjoy!


Lance hated being sick.

Not that he’d ever admit that he was, but he despised it all the same. It wasn’t even the symptoms that bothered him the most, even though those sucked. It was the feeling of not being able to do anything. There was nothing Lance hated more than being useless.

Still, despite his protests, Hunk had decided that Lance couldn’t possibly go into work that day. The guy was usually a big pushover, except when it came to his friends’ health. Then all bets were off.

Keep reading

The Signs As: The Front Bottoms

Aries: The Plan (Fuck Jobs) 
Never underestimate
Poor, hungry and desperate
My body is a temple
How much you think I could get for it?
And I will take cold showers from now on until I learn
That once you fuck the fire all that’s left to do is burn
Baby, burn, baby, burn

Taurus: Everything I Own
It’s reached the point in the night where I need to decide
Whether I’m gonna fall asleep or watch the sunrise
We are both into letting this develop
But the thought of starting over always sounded so much better
But I won’t stop this, and you won’t stop this
It’ll probably go further than either of us wanted
And it all comes down to the fact that I don’t care to
Sacrifice a good time ‘cause someone says I have to

Gemini: More Than It Hurts You
Talk to myself too often trying hard to figure out
Why all these feelings that lie in my stomach
Are always pushing for my mouth
So I will learn to sleep on my chest
And I will learn to let things go
And I will learn to come to terms with the things that I will never know

Cancer: Jim Bogart
I would stop doing all those things the doctor tells me not to do
But I don’t think he understands, I do all of these things for you
And you’ve got gold plastic on your shelf that they gave to everybody else
And you can say it says your name but I don’t think that that would help

Leo: Be Nice To Me
You’re a flashlight in a dark room for the loneliest black-out
You were all that we had left after it all was filtered out
Turn you on in a dark room right before we both pass out
Turn you on when I need you, but the batteries ran out
They ran out

Virgo: Lipstick Covered Magnet
Pretend that this is fake
It helps to kill the pain
All that you want is different
All that you’ll get is same
There’s nothing more to say
I think I’ve said it all
I’m sitting on the edge
I’m waiting for the fall.

Libra: Backflip
One day I will realize I don’t need this because it is just not who I am
Until that day comes, I’ll keep my eyes closed, and I will try to feel all of the effects
Yeah, I will try to feel all of the effects
And now I am talking way too fast and a little bit louder than I should,
Trying to say thank you for understanding my side of the story the best that you could
My side of the story the best that you could
My side of the story the best that you could
The best that you could


Scorpio: Peach
One day you will find someone who will love you like you deserve
But tonight I’m the only one left and I’m betting it’s a fact that you will never learn
Once I sink my teeth, your skin’s not so toughI’ll leave a tiny cut, there’ll be a lot of blood
But once you wipe it up you will feel better about our entire situation


Sagittarius: Boredom Is The Reason I Started Swimming. It’s  Also The Reason I Started Sinking
Keep it simple and honest
Stop crying, you’re an adult
I could stand up, I could man up
It’s just so convenient to be fragile
This pain is constant and sharp
Watching the signals that you send
I wanna feel lethal on the inside
I wanna read American Psycho again

Capricorn: Skeleton
I walk around like a skeleton last night
Confused and alone
Who was I kidding I cant get past you,
You are the cops, you are my student loans
You are a head shaped hole
In a sheet rock wall
You are the pain I feel
You are the stud in the wall
Better than nothing at all


Aquarius: Swear To God The Devil Made Me Do It
I wanna make tear-jerking-shower-curtain-camera’s-running genius
I wanna make them think they’re seeing something they ain’t never seen before
But I am full of shit, I’m a plagiarist
As a liar, I’m a ten
I just want this to mean something to anyone even if they don’t know who I am
I am, I am, I am


Pisces: Just As Big Twice As Swollen
Hey, sweetheart, where’d you get those eyes?
Do you think that I could have a pair?
Love the way that they glaze over
No point in pretending that we care
There are cracks between the concrete that we will all fill up with time
If you wanna move ahead, you will have to leave me behind


INFJ

SUBMITTED by http://infjingontheroad.tumblr.com

INFJ being: Feeling out of place most of the time. Like, I fit in most situations and everywhere, I am versatile and chameleon-like when need be, but as a result I don’t really fit completely anywhere. I feel the most comfortable when I am in my head. As far as relationships go, I notice that it is incredibly hard to speak to someone on equal grounds, I always need a ‘role of reference’ to know how I should pose myself. I am comfortable as long as I can fit a relationship in a predetermined scheme: mentor-student, mother-son, senior-junior etc. but conversations among equals, like student-student, throw me off.  My introversion has always been very evident: I have always needed my alone time, in which I overindulged because I am weary of the outside world and I do not trust my ability to navigate it.

Over-complicating and over-analyzing things is my second nature and it allows me to draw insightful conclusions and see meaningful paths, but it also makes it incredibly hard to act and be reactive to what is going on around me. There is a profound disconnection between the world outside and the world inside my head. A love-hate relationship exists between them: I crave sensory stimulation and meaningful relationships, but I don’t have the energy, will, or patience to invest in them and I content myself with just musing about it. During conversations, I rarely say a word or express my true feelings, rather I go with whatever everyone seems to agree with because preserving the group’s harmony is more important. When a topic I am passionate about comes up, though, I would gladly keep talking about it for hours and when people jump to the next topic I can feel all of my arguments still pushing to come out. Often, I will refer to a past conversation when speaking because I simply wasn’t done with it, even when most people were.

Ni is described as living in the future, which is definitely true: as I’ve said, I am disconnected from the now and have poor detail-knowledge about my past, but Ni is essentially a controlling function, who looks at the future not just to find meaning in the present but to create a specific course of action. It is goal oriented in everything it does, even though the goal, as well as the single steps, is not always well defined. In everything I do and am, I am a perfectionist, I need to always be in control: I set impossibly high standards for myself that I can never live up to because as soon as I reach my objective, the standards rise up again. Ni focuses on concepts and models and Se is very low in my stack, so it is hard for me to remember all of my accomplishments: when I can’t live up to my expectations, my self-esteem sinks a little more because I can’t recall immediately and factually all those times I succeeded.

Ni-Fe forces me to create an ideal image of myself that I need to project unto others because I want them to accept me and perceive me exactly as I want to be perceived, which makes me really hard to get to know and rarely spontaneous. I can be cold and detached when discussing an issue and close off my Fe long enough to choose a course of action without being hindered by feelings, which is why I often appear cold and harsh. Ti also makes me quirky and cynical: I have a dry sense of humor that people seem to appreciate even though it comes out only with those I am more familiar with. My imagination runs wild 24/7: everything I see or think about immediately triggers a process of consequences and I start tracing steps in the future and imagine its development. It feels so real most of the time that, when I come back to earth, it’s strange to see that none of what I have imagined was actually true.

I am an idealist at heart even though it is extraordinarily hard to express with words what I think or believe in. I strive to make people happy often at my own expenses but rarely realize that I am projecting my own idea of happiness onto them rather than understanding what would truly make them happy. Being a good listener is what I am best at: I am that friend that people come to not much for my counsel but for the empathy and my ability to just sit there and listen, even for hours, just hugging you when needed. Empathy is a big part of my personality: I am an emotional sponge and absorb the feelings of the people around me easily, to the point that I need to make a conscious effort to distinguish them from my own and prevent them from taking hold of me.

As far as Se goes, I enjoy sensory stimulation and rewards: I am an occasional adventurer, given some time to adjust to a new situation I will experiment and enjoy it as much as any Se user, even if for shorter periods of time. Routine bores me and I crave new and meaningful experiences. I practice ballet, I draw, I write, I paint, I am learning the play the piano, I travel, I enjoy watching cartoons and go out for long walks, I sing. Nature is always new and magic and I often find myself gazing out of a window and admiring it with wide eyes. I have camped and spent nights awake to watch the stars or wait for the sun to rise, I crave the excitement of new adventures but I not always have the energy for them: the time must be ‘right’. I do tidy my room, stretch, overeat or fast when I am especially down or need to feel in control again, sometimes I muse about getting drunk and let all of my walls down too, but it rarely happens unless I am truly sleep-deprived.

How others see me: people close to me see me as excessively introverted, cynical, logical, cold, wise, responsible, and occasionally too deep. They believe that I should engage with the world more and that I have a tendency to over-complicate simple things. My being ‘dense’ about the environment and what is happening around me occasionally annoys them. People less close to me see me as sweet and caring, timid, quiet and overly silent, maybe aloof. I have been described as a cinnamon roll but also as cold and insensitive. I believe I come off as an ISXJ to most because I rarely show Ni’s musings and my need to feel in control and calculate possibilities to be sure of their outcome can be perceived just as an attempt not to stray from routine or familiar paths.  

The perception of INFJ: mystical beings, too wise for their years, who know everything about you and everyone else in your life. Occasional manipulators, profound spiritual guides who will cry when they mistakenly kill an ant. Impossible to get to know, would rather spend all their life inside their heads than socializing or being in the real world.