A New Strategy
Anakin’s Force Ghost: [appearing in front of Kylo Ren]
Kylo: Wh – grandfa– it’s –
Anakin: WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM?! HMM? Do you know what this has done to me? And your uncle? [getting in his face] AND YOUR MOTHER?! And then there’s what you did to –
Kylo: …what? [sizes Anakin up] Oh, I see. So you’ve become a traitor in your afterlife. How…disappointing. I guess I really will have to finish what you started.
Anakin: [stammering, furious] Tra-TRAITOR?! ME? [rolls up sleeves] OK, that’s it, I know I SAID I was done kicking people’s asses but this is –
Obi-Wan: [holding up a hand] Perhaps I can be of assistance here. [to Kylo] May we talk? Ben to, uh, Ben?
Anakin: Obi-Wan please, we’ve been through this, you’re not going to be able to convince him to –
Kylo: [smirking] Well well well, look who’s here. Grandpa brought his Jedi boyfriend.
Obi-Wan: I just wanted to say that I think…I think you should stay on the Dark Side, really.
Obi-Wan: Now hear me out, Anakin: it’s not like the young man has many people who even especially want him back on the light side, really, save for his mother perhaps. His uncle’s mostly given up on the Jedi…
Obi-Wan: …and I’m sure he has plenty of close friends here in the First Order who’d fight to keep him here, making our job that much harder.
[Hux walks by, smacks Kylo in the head with a notebook]
Hux: [over his shoulder] Fuck you, Ren!
Kylo: [rolls eyes] Whatever.
Obi-Wan: …and it’s not like you or I want to talk to him, Anakin, so really, we may as well just give up – this is the best path for all concerned. [speaking deliberately] Really, if he showed up on the light side again I’d be furious at this point, given all he’s done. It would be far too much work for me.
Kylo: [warily] Oh, really? You’d be furious.
Obi-Wan: Yes. It would be awful to have to deal with rehabilitating yet another Skywalker. I, Obi-Wan Kenobi, absolutely do not think you should turn back to the Light Side. In fact, as a Jedi Master I…forbid you from turning back to the Light Side.
Anakin: [pulling Obi-Wan aside, whispering harshly] Obi-Wan what in the absolute Sith hells are you do –
Kylo: [sarcastic laugh] You think…you think YOU can tell ME what to do, old man? I don’t have to listen to you! If I wanna wear this cool black cape, I will! If I wanna give myself a badass Darksider name, then I will! And if I wanna go back to the light side, well, then you’ll just have to live with that too, Kenobi.
Anakin: [jaw drops]
Obi-Wan: [mildly] Well I am only a ghost now, so I suppose I would have to accept it, even though it would be terribly insubordinate of you and I would be very upset indeed.
Kylo: [grabbing his stuff] I’ll show you, Kenobi. I’ll SHOW YOU. You’re not in charge of me! [to Anakin] Let’s go find my mom.
Anakin: [agape] I…
Obi-Wan: [cracks knuckles] Very well then. [sotto voce] Should have tried that one sooner.
(You know that Kylo probably figures out that he’s been had halfway back to Leia’s place, but they came so close to pulling it off. Kenobi’s just going to have to be slightly more subtle next time.) ;)