a***NOTE: VENT *** (excuse my poor english)
I hate when I am having Social Anxiety and Depression. It’s feels like. Killing me inside. When I was alone, this feeling.. the feeling that you are drowning into the deep ocean and unable to escape from the wild wave. Making me unable to continue what I was doing, just sit and lean there and stare all over the surrounding. I never been checkup with a psychologist, but I could tell that I have these kind of disorders I’ve mentioned from above. How do I know that I’m suffering these disorder?
Well, tbh, i’ve been having Insomnia from what i’ve remembered when I was 12 I guess. Which mean, it has been 5 years straight. I easily lose my appetite, and my weight decrease to Severely underweight. I can’t even do any physical activities because I am easily get kidney pain from the left. Other than that, i can’t even concentrate in class and easy to forget every words of what teachers have said to me. And last but not least, I was acting harming myself (throughout school week), knocking my head to the wall, hitting myself , etc, etc.
Yes, I can feel how depression feels like when I’m studying in boarding school. I don’t have friends that i could trust, all I can see was they are being hypocrite towards me, Including my close friend in school, i know they were judging about my social interaction with others, for being shy, quiet, cannot start a simple conversation, bla bla. something like that. It’s unfair when they forced me to communicate with them, even I DID try, they didn’t even respond what I was about to say. So, what I do is stay solitude.
I remembered when they being so nice to me, during lunch, they invited me to their table to eat together. Everyday. But, it’s different when who’s come to the table first, they invited me to their table because they came to the cafeteria earlier than me. But when I was the one who came earlier, and sat the table that can fit 5 people in it, waving my hands, inviting them to sit where I was at. But what they did, they ignored me, and went to the other tables. And I’m here like, “oh, okay. Your welcome then” and eats alone. After that day, I started to avoid them calling me to eat lunch together. I don’t like it, because. backstabbers.
I thought holidays is my FREE times to feel freedom. Actually, I was wrong. I know have so many good friends on the internet, I know they are good pals. I know they are busy with schools/finals/works/assignment/etc. I understand about their inactive, i respect what they were doing. But sometimes, the more they are inactive, I kinda feeling left out. Alone in the silent group chat where we used to be together, makes jokes, sharing ideas, and all wonderful time we experience.
To those friends i’ve been close for so long ( i don’t want to mention their name) I just wanted to say, I am very sorry for not cheering around in our group chat when I was having school holidays. I should tell you earlier about my days to come, but I failed. My ego have taking me over, leave it the group with no ‘cheerful welcome back conversation’. Leaving you guys questioned to yourself, ‘is Golzy left our family group?’ . I really didn’t mean to leave the group. and I never wanted to leave the group because you are like a family to me since 2014. 3 years have passed you guys are all growing up, some of you guys are taking jobs, some of you went to college, schools, family, business, et cetera!
I’m feeling unmotivated day by day, although I have some new friends in a crazy group. It doesn’t makes me very happy. I feel myself i’m betraying my old friends and left them just like that , and I develop hallucination of your voices, to arouse my thought, making me FEAR of you guys.
I’m so sorry, The school have ruined me the way I communicate with people, and I’m feeling much worse lately. Even you can see me being happy, behind this virtual screen, i’m mostly a faker. I’m sorry.
Thank you for reading this.