i did this so i can 'ignore' my assignment

a***NOTE: VENT *** (excuse my poor english)

I hate when I am having Social Anxiety and Depression. It’s feels like. Killing me inside. When I was alone, this feeling.. the feeling that you are drowning into the deep ocean and unable to escape from the wild wave. Making me unable to continue what I was doing, just sit and lean there and stare all over the surrounding. I never been checkup with a psychologist, but I could tell that I have these kind of disorders I’ve mentioned from above. How do I know that I’m suffering these disorder?

Well, tbh, i’ve been having Insomnia from what i’ve remembered when I was 12 I guess. Which mean, it has been 5 years straight. I easily lose my appetite, and my weight decrease to Severely underweight. I can’t even do any physical activities because I am easily get kidney pain from the left. Other than that, i can’t even concentrate in class and easy to forget every words of what teachers have said to me. And last but not least, I was acting harming myself (throughout school week), knocking my head to the wall, hitting myself , etc, etc.

Yes, I can feel how depression feels like when I’m studying in boarding school. I don’t have friends that i could trust, all I can see was they are being hypocrite towards me, Including my close friend in school, i know they were judging about my social interaction with others, for being shy, quiet, cannot start a simple conversation, bla bla. something like that. It’s unfair when they forced me to communicate with them, even I DID try,  they didn’t even respond what I was about to say. So, what I do is stay solitude.

I remembered when they being so nice to me, during lunch, they invited me to their table to eat together. Everyday. But, it’s different when who’s come to the table first, they invited me to their table because they came to the cafeteria earlier than me.  But when I was the one who came earlier, and sat the table that can fit 5 people in it, waving my hands, inviting them to sit where I was at. But what they did, they ignored me, and went to the other tables. And I’m here like, “oh, okay. Your welcome then” and eats alone. After that day, I started to avoid them calling me to eat lunch together. I don’t like it, because. backstabbers.

I thought holidays is my FREE times to feel freedom. Actually, I was wrong. I know have so many good friends on the internet, I know they are good pals. I know they are busy with schools/finals/works/assignment/etc. I understand about their inactive, i respect what they were doing. But sometimes, the more they are inactive, I kinda feeling left out. Alone in the silent group chat where we used to be together, makes jokes, sharing ideas, and all wonderful time we experience.

To those friends i’ve been close for so long ( i don’t want to mention their name) I just wanted to say, I am very sorry for not cheering around in our group chat when I was having school holidays. I should tell you earlier about my days to come, but I failed. My ego have taking me over, leave it the group with no ‘cheerful welcome back conversation’. Leaving you guys questioned to yourself, ‘is Golzy left our family group?’ . I really didn’t mean to leave the group. and I never wanted to leave the group because you are like a family to me since 2014. 3 years have passed you guys are all growing up, some of you guys are taking jobs, some of you went to college, schools, family, business, et cetera!

I’m feeling unmotivated day by day, although I have some new friends in a crazy group. It doesn’t makes me very happy. I feel myself i’m betraying my old friends and left them just like that , and I develop hallucination of your voices, to arouse my thought, making me FEAR of you guys.

I’m so sorry, The school have ruined me the way I communicate with people, and I’m feeling much worse lately. Even you can see me being happy, behind this virtual screen, i’m mostly a faker. I’m sorry.

Thank you for reading this.


anonymous asked:

Baekhyun college!au angst/fluff where he forgets about ur date the two of u had planned but u forgive him in the end & ends with cuddles? Also I 💜 ur blog!

Fine, I forgive you

Genre: Angst+Fluff

Character: Baekhyun

Word count: 954

summary: Baekhyun promised reader a date, but never showed up. 

A/N: This story was really fun to write. I hope this is what you wanted anon:) And thank you!

It was already getting dark outside, and Baekhyun is nowhere in sight. A lot of couples passed by me, which made me sigh. I checked my phone for the seventh time, and it was getting late. I should probably head back to the dorms, before it gets too late. I picked up my black purse, and walked away. I looked back just in case, if he showed up. But he didn’t. How could he forget our date? We have planned this, for a long time. But because of exams, we didn’t have time. I left the bench with a frown.

As I opened the door to my dorm, Jisoo came running over to me with a wide smile, showing of her dimples.

“Did your date end already?” She questions scratching her head.

“It never started, in the beginning” I answered while taking my shoes off.

I walked over to the living room, seeing Jennie watching a movie. I plopped myself down on the couch, and sighed loudly. That made Jennie look at me with a frown.

“Are you alright?” She asked leaning closer to me.

I didn’t answer her, but hugged her instead. Jisoo joined in, not knowing what to do.

“Baekhyun didn’t show up” I mumbled into Jennie’s shoulder.

“He didn’t?” They asked shocked.

I nodded, standing up from the couch. I closed the door to our shared room, and took off my shoulder dress. I threw it in my closet, too lazy to fold it neatly. I walked over to the bunkbed, and climbed up the short ladder. I placed my phone under my pillow, and closed my eyes.

“WAKE UP EVERYBODY!” Jennie yelled, as she entered the room.

“I’m up, I’m up” I mumbled as I climbed down the ladder.

I peeled off Jisoo’s bedsheet, which made her groan in annoyance. She kept cussing under her breath, the entire morning. Even when we ate breakfast, she only stopped when we entered campus.

“Finally you stopped, oh my innocent ears” Jennie laughed.

I joined in the laughter, and ruffled her hair which made her pout.

“Y/N!” I didn’t even have to turn around, to recognize that voice.

I continued walking, while Jisoo and Jennie exchanged looks.

“You are really going to ignore him?” Jisoo asked.

I nodded my head determined, to ignore him for the rest of the day. I heard them sigh, and continued talking about something random. I saw my classroom and bid goodbyes to the girls. Mrs. Byun walked in, which is Baekhyun’s mother. She’s the chill teacher, who likes to joke around. That’s probably where Baekhyun got it from. The class ended, and the white board was filled with “gold notes” as Mrs. Byun called it. I packed my bag and walked out of the classroom, to be greeted by Baekhyun. He must have waited there, so sweet of him. Wait I have to ignore him. I passed him, without glancing at him. That was harder than I thought. I breathed out, and continued walking towards the cafeteria.

“Y/N!” Jisoo waved.

I smiled and walked towards them. I sat down, and saw that they had bought food for me too. We ate our food, while talking about a new band that just debuted. Jennie kept talking about her bias, who’s “too handsome for this world” and Jisoo’s bias who was “the perfect man that God created, with so much passion”. I swear these girls are not normal.

The day passed and luckily, I didn’t have too many assignments as I normally do. I guess out teacher were exhausted too. As I walked up stairs to my dorm, I saw a familiar guy standing in front of the door. He was leaning against the door, his back pressed against the white wood. Just walk past him, like you did this morning I told myself. I straightened myself, and walked over to the door ignoring him. Or almost, he stood in front of the door. How was I supposed to open it?

“Can you move?” I asked not looking at him.

He moved but went inside with me, when I opened the door. I kept ignoring him and took off my shoes. I almost reached the living room, but he pushed me against the wall. I felt small as he towered over me.

“What is wrong with you?” he snapped.

“What’s wrong with me?” I scoffed angrily.

“What’s wrong with you?! You didn’t even show up last night!” I yelled pushing him away.

I marched towards the living room, and sat down on the couch. Baekhyun showed up not long after, trying to get my attention.

“Stop ignoring me! We have to talk about this!” He yelled obviously pissed.

“What is there to talk about?! Huh? The fact you forgot, explains it all!” I stood up and yelled.

He walked towards me, and attacked me in tight hug. He kept walking until we both ended on the couch. Me on top of him, while he laid down on the couch.

“I’m still mad at you” I pouted looking away.

“You’re cute when you pout” He pecked the top of my nose.

I looked at his eyes, admiring his long eyelashes and his brown eyes.

“Y/N, I’m sorry. I really am” He apologized sincerely.

“Fine, I forgive you” I answered softly.

I rested my head on his chest. I could hear his heartbeat, which were soothing to hear.

“I make it up to you, by taking you out on a new date” He chuckled.

“Where I show up, maybe I should come and pick you up instead” He quickly added.

I just hummed in response, feeling exhausted of arguing. He wrapped his arms around me, and pecked me on my forehead.

Drabble 3: I Didnt Mean to Ignore You (Okieriete Onaodowan X Reader)

Request!:  DRABBLE: OAK 391. “We were all given assigned seats on our bus because shit went down too many times and now you’re my seat buddy and I don’t want the rest of the year to be awkward” ILL REQUEST THE OTHER ONE

Prompt:  391. “We were all given assigned seats on our bus because shit went down too many times and now you’re my seat buddy and I don’t want the rest of the year to be awkward”

TW: Light cursing, buses, procrastination idk what else

WC: 599

A/N- I kinda manipulated the prompt,,, You know, I’m not that proud of this one


“Everyone find the tag with your name on it, and sit in that seat!” Your bus driver repeated. You had found your seat two stops ago when you got on. You were seated with someone whose name you didn’t try to pronounce in fear of getting it wrong.

You scribbled on the paper in front of you trying to get your homework done before you reached school when a vice interrupted your work.


“Hey.” You didn’t look up, but instead, put your pencil in between your lips to move your backpack so that the guy could sit.

He thanked you and you gave a hum in response. You went back to work furiously writing your essay. Never looking up to meet your new seat buddy.


Two weeks later and you still have never even looked up to see your seat buddy’s, face or said anything to him other than ‘Hey’ ‘Hi’ ‘Hello’ or the occasional ‘Thanks’.

Surprisingly, you didn’t have any homework to do, so you could actually pay attention to your surroundings.

“Y/n.” The guy sat next to you. You had your headphones in, reading a book on your phone.

“Person whose name I would try to say, but I’m afraid I’ll butcher it.” You didn’t look up.

“That’s the most you’ve ever said to me!” He sounded truly shocked.

“Yeah… Sorry about that. I procrastinate a lot, then I forget about my homework.” You apologized.

“It’s okay, most people do.” He chuckled and you laughed too. You finally looked up to see who you’ve been sitting with for the past two weeks.

And what you saw was not what you’d expected.

One, he was taller than you expected, two he was cuter than you expected, and three, he was looking at you too.

“Wow. Uh-um… Uh… Ny mane… Wait, what, no that’s not right…” You cleared your throat. “My name is Y/N Y/L/N.”

“Okieriete Onaodowan.” Oak held out his hand, and you shook it. “So, do you know why we have assigned seats. I’ve been here for two weeks and no one has told me anything.”

“Are you new here?” You asked guilt suddenly washing over you. You were probably the first person he met, and you had been a complete bitch.

Okieriete Nodded, “Yeah, I just moved across town.”

“Oh, well, I’ll tell you what I know then!” You started your story, “We were all given assigned seats on our bus cause shit went down too many times, and now you’re my seat buddy, and I don’t want the rest of the year to be awkward, so can we just like, start over, cause I know that you were saying something earlier and I didn’t mean to ignore you, but I did, and I don’t want you to think I’m a bad person because God you’re cute, and did I really just say that outloud?” You stared at the back of the seat in front of you, your face rapidly heating up.

“Hey, It’s okay, I like you too.” His hand was on yours, and you smiled up at him. “Do over?”

“You nodded your head, “Y/N Y/L/N.”

“Okieriete Onaodowan.” He smiled back, and it was the most beautiful thing you’ve ever seen.

You sighed, “Yeah… I will never be able to say that.”

Okieriete laughed. “It’s alright, just call me Oak.”

Little did you know, that years later you would be practicing how to say his name over and over again, so that you could say it in your vows and finally become Mrs. Y/N Onaodowan.


The First I Love You - Requested (Luke)

Okay, so anon asked for (Can u do a stry whr u r stressin bout schl & u r behind because u got rlly sick& mssd a week of school & r failin3 classes u hve a panick attack & strtin2 get badagain,luke & the boys try 2 help but u get more h8 & Luke tells u he luvs u 4 the 1 time) i wasnt 100% what you wanted so i did my best, ENJOY!!!

Your two sentences into your assignment when an incoming Skype call fills your screen, you huff and answer, Luke’s face appearing on screen, he has a huge smile across his face but you ignore him, starring instead at the words you have wrote.

‘Hello beautiful’ he cheers, you hum in response. ‘Are you busy?’ he questions and you just nod ‘I can’t call later we have a show and then traveling super late’ he explain and you nod again.

‘Yeah’ you agree nodding.

‘And I was thinking me should adopt some penguins and maybe start an open relationship’ you hear him. ‘Yeah sounds great Luke’ you agree, your pulled from your work a little hearing Luke’s loud laughter. ‘You’re not listening to me at all are you?’ he asks, noticing you looking at him.

‘Luke don’t fucking laugh at me, I’m busy okay, I’m sorry but just because you have time for me in your busy schedule, doesn’t mean I have time for you right now, I have so much to do Luke, and your just fucking laugh at me’ you snap. You notice Luke’s expression sober and he nods a little, rubbing his jaw.

‘Babe calm down, I was just messing. I’m sorry to upset you I was just trying to get you to laugh, your so stressed out lately, I hate seeing you so worried’ He explains, you sigh yourself and stand up, picking up your laptop and moving onto your bed, you pull a blanket over yourself and smile a little a Luke.

‘I’m sorry I’ve been such a bitch Lu, I’m so stressed out, I have so much work to catch up on and I’m failing three classes, I’m doing really bad Luke and I just don’t have time for anything else’ you sigh.

‘Wait what? Are you breaking up with me?’ Luke asks his eyes wide and your heart drops.

‘No that wasn’t what I’m saying but maybe we should, right now what’s the point Luke. I’m here and your…your god knows where Luke, your successful and amazing and I’m failing everything and I’m just not myself right now. All of that along with the shit I get on a daily bases from your fans, its hard Luke, I don’t want this but maybe its best’ you sigh, your chest a little tight as your eyes wonder over to the pile of books your have to read for school.

‘No…no, I don’t care what you say we’re not breaking up, no fucking way. You can work through this, so what you have a lot of work to do, quit complaining and do it, you’re getting stressed because you’re thinking about everything you have to do, sit down with one piece of work and think about that one piece of work. Stop feeling sorry for yourself and do the work’ Luke’s words are harsh and y look at him wide eyed, he looks annoyed.

‘Yeah like you would know you dropped out of school Luke, don’t fucking lecture me on doing my work’ you growls, he scoffs and you see him moving a little, which makes the laptop move too.

‘So what? I dropped out of school but I didn’t just get given what I have (Y/N), I fucking worked hard for this, 24/7 I’m working hard for this, I thought you understood what I do, I never thought I would have to explain to you how much I do. Your probably right, we should break up, clearly you’re not who I thought you were’ again your shocked by this side of Luke but understand it at the same time, everything he is saying is right, you are different.

‘Luke…I’m sorry I di…I didn’t mean that…I swear I didn’t mean it’ you beg but he shakes his head and wit that the box closes and Luke’s face disappears.



‘FUCK’ you scream, throwing a book, it hits the door frame with a bang and as you stand up to go and get it back the door opens.

‘Well I’m glad we didn’t get here a second earlier’ the male voice surprises you and your look up to see Calum with a smirk across his face. You jump up and wrap your arms around his neck, closing your eyes as you feel his arms wrap about your back and holding you close, so tight your feet lift from the ground.

‘Holy shit, I can’t believe your here’ you cry, making him chuckle, ‘Yeah I bout some friends’ he smiles as he turns you around to see Michael and Ashton also standing in your bedroom door way. You squeal and rush over, getting enveloped between the two of them.

‘Man I missed you (Y/N))’ Ashton whispers.

‘Me too, it’s been too long’ Michael whines and you laugh shuffling out from their grip. You look behind to see Luke but he isn’t there. ‘Is Luke not with you?’ you ask, feeling your heart drop. ‘No’ Michael tells you, you nod a little and slide back into your seat, turning in it to face the boys.

‘What are you guys doing here?’ you ask.

‘We’re here to get you out of his room’ Ashton tells you opening your wardrobe and pulling out the black hoodie Calum lent you a couple of months ago.

‘I’ve been looking for that’ Calum cries pointing at his jacket and you smile sweetly at him.

‘Sorry. I can’t go anywhere guys I have too much work’ you tell them and they all shake their heads.

‘Nope, we aren’t asking, you’re coming and that’s that, so you can get your ass up and in that jacket or Calum will carry you out’ Michael tells you, rising his pierced eyebrow at you.

‘Sorry guys’ you tell them patting your pile of work, Calum’s eye widen and Michael groans, grabbing your hand and pulling you up. ‘Come on, Luke has a surprise’ Michael whines, with the mention of Luke you perk up a little, you look to Calum and Ashton to make sure Michael is bull shitting and they nod letting you know it’s right so you, take the jacket from Ashton and as you slide your arms in they all laugh.


‘Okay no peaking’ Calum chuckles, his hands still covering your eyes, you hum as you continue in the direction your being pushed in. ‘Okay now don’t move’ he whispers, you stay still and hear shuffling.

‘Hello beautiful’ Luke’s soft voice brushes his hot breath against your ear sending chills through your body. You feel this fingertips brush your hand, and his lips press against yours. ‘I’m an idiot, please forgive me’ he whispers, you open your eyes to see his right in front of you, both locking together.

‘I’m the idiot, I’m so sorry Luke’ you apologise sticking out your lower lip a little.

‘Come on we are going the fair’ he cheers a huge smile on his face, but you feel bad, your face falling.

‘Luke, I’m sorry I have too much work’ you tell him and he nods, pulling you along towards the boys, who are standing at the entrance of the fair.

‘Yep, I booked you a tutor for tomorrow, she is coming in the morning and you have her the whole day to help you get through your work.’ He tells you, you stop waling and he turns raising his eye brows at you, you smile a little and he smiles too.

‘You did that for me, your too good to me’ you tell him, pressing into his and pecking your lips to him.

‘I’d do anything for you, (Y/N) I think…erm….i thi…I love you’ he rambles your mouth drops as his lips press to your cheek and them your lips and he whispers again for only the seconds time ever ‘I love you’

From Chelsea