i did this 7 months ago

Pyramid Scheme scammer ends up paying in the end!

(very long story)

About 6 or 7 years ago, I was trying to enlist into the military. I ended up not joining but that’s a story for another time. At this point, I was led to believe I was about 4 months away from leaving for Boot camp. I was running out of savings, and needing a part time job for some spending cash while I waited around.

So I did what any enterprising 20something would do, and searched craigslist for jobs. I normally hate sales jobs, especially those based on commissions, but figured it would be a great way to earn some extra cash short term. Found a few job listings that looked promising, and put out some applications. A few days later I received a call from David. He was opening up a new store and needed associates. He liked my resume and asked if I’d be available for an interview on Friday morning. I was very up front with him, and let him know that the distance was a bit more than I’d normally drive for a retail job, and asked what he was offering for an hourly rate, to see if it was worth the drive. He told me that they were planning on offering an hourly rate in the mid teens, along with commission. Seemed like an ok deal, so I agreed to be there Friday at 8am.

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Adored by Him

A/N: So this fic is inspired by the song “Adored by Him” by Dodie Clark. Yeah that’s really it… 

Warnings: Swearing but that’s normal.

Word Count: 2, 428

Your POV 

I honestly never expected any of this to happen. When I became friends with Dan, I did think he was handsome and funny. But I didn’t think I would fall for him as fast as I did. I always pushed away the feelings until they asked if I wanted to move in with them. Being around him 24/7 made it harder to conceal it so I just let it happen. No one knew about my feelings, except Phil, who figured out a year ago. I always expected the feelings to just go away but they didn’t.

But then she happened. Allison was Dan’s most recent girlfriend. They’ve been dating for many months now, and he was absolutely smitten (cheeky Dodie reference again) with her. He never spoke about how he felt about her, but I was able to tell. The way he looked at her with adoring eyes, and smile at the mere mention of her name. I don’t blame him though. She was beautiful, with her butterscotch hair and her smile that could shine brighter than the sun, I bet anybody would fall her easily. She was literally perfect, and I was just…well me. It was easy to figure out how she made Dan’s soul practically glow, and it hurt. A lot.  

I won’t hate you but oh it stings,

How does it feel to be adored by him? 

It was hard to hate Allison. She was super nice, and had the same sense of humor as Dan. Plus, she makes him happy. That’s what matters, right?

I was sitting on the couch, watching my favorite movie with Phil. It was raining outside so we decided to dedicate the day to watching a bunch of movies. Phil and I were cuddled up under a blanket, eating popcorn. It was relaxing to say the least. Dan was out at Allison’s house so, of course, Phil questioned me about my feelings.

“Are you ever going to tell him, Y/N?” Phil asked, nudging my arm with his elbow.

I pulled up the blanket to my chest, and sighed heavily. “Philly we’ve talked about this before. I’ll only ruin things so-" 

"You should tell him. It’s best to get it out there.” Phil gave me a sympathetic look. It’s like he knew Dan wouldn’t return the feelings but he didn’t want to keep any secrets. To be honest I’m surprised he didn’t tell Dan by now. 

“Phil, look-”

Phil and I jumped off the couch when we heard a loud bang, and stumbling coming from downstairs. We exchanged confused glances, and hurried to the front door to see Dan, stumbling around the entrance of our flat.

“Hi guys!” Dan said, his speech slurred.

“Dan what the hell happened!?” Phil questioned, running up to his best friend’s side and helping him take his shoes off. 

“Heh, Allison and I got in a fight. Stupid really-” He tripped over his shoes that he just took off and laughed. He looked up into my eyes and smiled. “Don’t worry I’m fine.” Dan pushed Phil’s hand off his shoulder, and walked up the stairs by himself.

“Y/N, do you want to make sure he’s okay?” Phil asked, walking up to my side as we slowly followed Dan up the stairs.


“Just talk to him." 

I let out another sigh, and took another glance at Dan, who stumbled into his bedroom. "Okay. I’m not telling drunk Dan anything though.” I pointed my finger at Phil, and let out a small laugh to lighten the mood. Phil shook his head, smacking my hand away and smiling.

“Just go.” He laughed. 

I walked to the kitchen, and poured a small glass of water for Dan. I ignored the aching pain in my chest, and the tears swelling up in my eyes. I put down the glass for a moment to take a deep breath, and recollect myself. After a few minutes, I made my way towards Dan’s room where I saw him softly crying. My heart broke at the sight. It pained me so much to see another girl make Dan hurt. I hated it. I walked towards Dan’s bed and gave him the glass of water. 

“Here you go, sweetie.” I sat at the end of his bed, waiting for his response. 

“Thank you.” Dan sniffed, taking a sip of the water. 

“You want to talk about what happened?” I moved closer to him. His legs were hanging over the edge of his bed and he was staring at the cup of water in his lap.

“She doesn’t trust me.”  

“What do you mean?” I was right by his side after I finished the question. I tried to make eye contact with him but he was so closed off, I decided to keep a little distance.

“She thinks that I’m cheating on her with you.” He lifted his head slowly and stared into my eyes. My face turned red and I stared at the ground. I felt the butterflies in my stomach go crazy, and I had to take a deep breath again to calm myself down. I looked back into his beautiful, chocolate eyes and stared in silence for a while.  

Pretty girl there’s no need to fret

Because it’s midnight, he’s drunk, and you’re the one in his head.

You don’t even have to try at all. 

“I can’t say I’m in love with her but I feel something…strong towards her you know? I’m not even sure if she feels the same. It’s just- It hurts a lot that she doesn’t even trust me. ” Dan’s eyes got glossy, and he stared down at his cup again. All I did was nod my head. I understood where he was coming from. Someone you may be in love with and they might not even return the feeling. How ironic. 

“I understand, Dan. But you should get some rest, then talk to her in the morning.” I flashed a fake smile at Dan and stood up from his bed. I stood in front of him, and he stared into my eyes like he was searching for something.

“Thank you, Y/N. You’re honestly the best.” Dan put his glass down on his bedside table and got up to give me hug. I accepted it, taking in his warmth for that short moment I had. I sighed when he pulled away and sat in his bed. “You want to…stay with me for a bit?” He asked, not making eye contact. I gave him a weak smile, and nodded, sitting next to him as he got comfortable underneath the blanket.

I lost track of time, waiting for Dan to fall asleep. I stared at his sleeping figure for god knows how long, I felt like a complete creep. He looked so peaceful with his head resting in my lap it was hard not to. I gently stroked his hair as he slowly fell asleep, his arms wrapped around my body as his head rested on my leg. I checked the time on his phone, 1:00 am. I noticed his lock screen, expecting it to be a picture of him and Allison. But instead it was a picture of him, me, and Phil at VidCon on our day off. I smiled at it, but quickly my smile faded when a text from Allison popped up. I decided to ignore it, and finally leave Dan’s side. 

I crept towards the kitchen, hoping not to wake Dan or Phil up. However, to my surprise Phil was standing in the kitchen, drinking some tea while leaning against the counter. 

“So, how did it go?” He asked, staring at me. 

“She doesn’t trust him apparently. Allison thinks he’s cheating on her with…me.” I sighed. All my emotions that I’ve been holding in all night were surfacing, and I wasn’t going to let it happen. “Um, he’s asleep now. He asked me to stay with him for a little while and I lost track of time because he was…uh-" 

"Cuddling with you?” Phil flashed me a smile, but it faded when he looked into my eyes and noticed the tears coming up. He gave me a sympathetic look and walked closer to me. “You should just tell him so he knows. So you don’t have to keep hurting. He will understand, Y/N." 

"I know Phil. It’s just- it hurts seeing them together so much. And of course I want him to be happy! But that selfish part of me wants him to be happy with me. God, it fucking hurts.” I felt a warm streak roll down my cheek, and I quickly wiped it away, looking away from Phil. 

“Y/N.” I knew he was trying to make me look at him, but I hated being this vulnerable. “Y/N.” I gave in and stared into Phil’s icy blue eyes. It was full of sympathy, and I couldn’t take it anymore. 

“Phil, don’t look at me like that please. It’s only making me feel worse.” I felt more tears surfacing and let out a heavy sigh. I heard Phil mumble a small apology and he embraced me in a warm, loving hug. At that point I finally broke. I started sobbing into his shirt, with every sob he would hold me tighter, and tell me everything was going to be okay. He gently ran his hands through my hair. I pulled away from Phil, and sniffed, gently rubbing my nose. 

“Y/N, I know it hurts but-” Phil paused in the middle of his sentence and stared behind me. I looked up to Phil, then turned around to see what he was looking at. There was Dan, his hair curly and disheveled, and his empty glass in his hands.

“What’s wrong?” Dan asked, noticing my red, puffy eyes and the tear stains on Phil’s shirt. He looked into my eyes and I could tell he was concerned.

“N-Nothing.” I lied.

“Obviously there’s something wrong, Y/N, tell me.” Dan walked over to the counter and placed his cup on the surface. I looked up to Phil, and nodded, signaling for him to give us some alone time. When Phil left the room, Dan pulled me into a tight hug, and for the second time that night I broke down. “Want to talk to me about what happened?”

I pulled away from Dan and stared at the floor. “It’s not really about w-what happened. It’s more…what’s happening.” I let out a fake chuckle. Dan shot me a confused look, and backed up to lean against the counter.

“Tell me what’s going on or so help me god Y/N I will-”

“Okay. Um. I guess.”

“Spit it out, please.” Dan tilted his head, giving me a worried look. God I can’t handle this anymore.

“Okay, you don’t even have to respond to this…but I really need it out in the open.” I could feel my heart beating out of my chest, and I took deep unsteady breath. “I just need you to know that…that” I stared into Dan’s eyes and I could feel my heart aching all over again. I felt tears pouring out of my eyes and saw Dan’s tall figure making his way over to comfort me again but I pulled away.

“Please don’t. You’re just going to make this harder.”
“Y/N tell me. Please, you’re making me worried.” I realized that Dan and I were standing really close, closer than we usually are. I looked into his beautiful eyes like it was the last time then stared at the floor.

“I think I’m in love with you.” I mumbled. 

“What? Speak up, love.” Dan said softly. 

“Fuck.” I ran my fingers through my hair and avoided eye contact at all costs. “I think I’m in love with you and it fucking stings so much to see you and Allison together. I mean I don’t blame you, or her. Allison is like the definition of perfect. I mean she makes me look blind with how adventurous she is and you look at her like the world is fucking perfect. It’s so stupid to think that I could compare to her. But god, do I wish it was me in your arms instead of her. Don’t even get me started about how I feel about you because there is too much history to even go over.” I shook my head, staring at the ground, watching my tears hit the white kitchen tiles.

“Y/N, can you look at me please?” Dan was still speaking softly. 

“Dan I told you, you don’t have to even say anything. You could just simply ignore it and leave, I’ll get the point." 

"Look at me, Y/N.” Dan said, more stern but still full of care. I rolled my eyes and stared into his eyes. Even though my vision was blurred I could still see the small glimmer in his eyes. “I’m sorry for-”

“Dan I told you, you don’t have to do this." 

"Y/N, we need to talk about this. We can’t just ignore it.”

“Well I’ve been ignoring it for 3 years now, so I think I’m good. I know the speech you’re about to give me and I just…” I let out a muffled sob into my hand, and looked back up to him. “Please I can’t take this right now." 

"Please let me just-" 

"Dan, I’m so sorry I shouldn’t have said anything. I really need fresh air…I’ll be back in a bit." 

Dan looked over to the clock on the oven, and slowly moved towards the door. "It’s 1:20, Y/N you can’t go outside alone." 

"Well I am, so please move.” Dan was blocking the doorway. I made eye contact with him and got lost in his eyes again. I felt like time slowed down when we stared into each other’s eyes, but I broke the contact because I felt more tears coming. Dan reluctantly walked up to me, opening his arms to give me a hug. But instead, I pulled away from him. 

“I’m so sorry.” I mumbled, and ran down the stairs to the front door, putting on my shoes and coat. 

“Y/N wait-”

I left before I could hear anymore. I let the cold London air enter my lungs, as I tried to relax from what happened, and trying to decide if I should go back and face Dan, or go to a friend’s house. I ultimately decided on staying outside for a while. Sitting on a park bench staring at the trees in the park as I replayed what happened through my head. 

What am I going to do?

A/N: Second part? Or leave it there? YOU DECIDE

There is an account on instagram that posts photos of Shostakovich, I scrolled down looking for the photo of Shostakovich looking at Prokofievs dead body, a photo I had seen in a lecture when I lived in London years ago and since then searched literally everywhere online to find it again.. but never did, and it wasn’t on this Instagram either! So I messaged the owner of the account to ask if he knew this photo, he said no but that he would have a look.
One month later he messaged me this and said

Hi Daniela, I just ran across this in Sofia Khentova’s Monograph. This is from 7 March 1953.

Now this may not seem like a big deal but it was almost a magical moment for me! Hahaha because I find this photo so powerful, if you guys don’t know so much about Music in Russia during that time I would like to urge you to read a bit on it, it’s so interesting… Prokofiev died on the 5th of March, on the exact same day as Stalin.. so this was 2 days after his death.

I’m very grateful to Bryan, the owner of the IG account dschjournal , for taking the time to look for this photo and send it to me :)

The boy is mine?

Pairing : Sam x Reader, Dean
Word count : 1,290
Author : Mel
A/N : Idk what radio station my kid is listening to, but when I went to shower, it was playing “The boy is mine” by Brandy and Monica (that was a kick in the childhood). I wrote this as a result.

You checked yourself out in the mirror before getting out of your car. This was so not like you. But he was hot, and sweet, and you were very, very interested. His name, was Sam. A guy like him could walk into any room, anywhere, and have his pick. But for some reason, he was slumming it online with the likes of you. And you were not about to complain about that. You had been chatting with him for months, and he messaged you tonight letting you know he was finally in the area. Sure it was an hour away from you, but you didn’t mind the drive. Gave you time to calm your nerves at finally meeting him face to face.

You took a deep breath before opening the hotel lobby door. It wasn’t a fancy place, probably two maybe three stars at best, but you didn’t care too much. You heard someone coming up behind you, and held the door for her.

“Thanks.” She gave you a smile as she strolled past, her high heels clicking, and hips swaying in her tight skirt. She must have a hell of a hot date tonight.

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Apart from the fact I need to trim my facial hair I’m pretty happy with my weight loss and my ability to keep my weight down from what it was 4 months ago. I have lost 16kgs now and I have noticed so many changes within myself:

1. I’m more confident
2. I’m happy
3. I don’t feel miserable about myself or my body anymore
4. I’m not feeling as self conscious or insecure
5. I’m fitting into smaller clothes and yeah all of that
6. I smile more
7. Did I mention I’m more confident?


anonymous asked:

just wondering if there was someplace with a description of what the signs look like? purely for scientific purposes

I did a post about it months ago, but alas I cannot find it so I shall just make a new one rn

Aries - Brown hair with gold and auburn highlights, reaches just below shoulder blades, used to be dark brown but then Libra dyed it, amber eyes, 5′7″

Taurus - Curly dark brown hair, either straightened with a /slight/ wave or let loose there is no in between, dark brown eyes, 5′6″

Gem - Auburn hair dyed so that it’s more of a bright orange, sidecut, hazel/light green eyes, 5′5″

Nye - Auburn hair, shaggy undercut, hazel/light green eyes, 6′2″

Cancer - Dark red hair, originally dark brown, shoulder length, gray eyes, 5′3″

Leo - Wavy golden blonde hair, amber/brown eyes, 5′7″

Virgo - Mousy brown hair, pin straight, falls to halfway down her back, light brown eyes, 5′4″

Libra - Honey blonde hair, long and either styled into waves or let loose, hazel eyes, blue colored contacts, 5′8″

Scorpio - Platinum blonde hair, originally dark brown, dark green eyes, 5′9″

Sagittarius - Dyed auburn hair, originally dark brown, undercut, brown eyes, 6′1″

Capricorn - Black hair, well groomed hairstyle always, blue eyes, 6′0″

Aquarius - Platinum white hair, originally blonde, quiff, light blue eyes, 6′0″

Pisces - Aqua-dyed hair, originally black, blue eyes, 5′2″

Happy Aqours 2nd Anniversary!

It’s been two whole years since Love Live! Sunshine!! was first announced in Dengeki G’s Magazine on April 30th, 2015!

Looking back on the past year, we can see that Aqours has released a whole bunch of albums and a TV anime. They’ve also had a handful of mini-lives and performances as well as their first major live concert! And now they’re currently on their way to a second live concert and many more smaller performances, not to mention they have a second anime season coming up. On top of that, they’ve basically brought an entire dying town back to life. Aqours has worked so hard and accomplished so much ;__;

Thank you so much, Aqours. I love each and every one of you.

Since it’s a perfect time to reflect upon my personal involvement in Love Live! Sunshine!!, I wrote a bit about that too. Under the cut. Do not read if you don’t appreciate excessive amounts of sentimentality, I’ll gross you out.

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I'm not going to apologise for this. Not anymore // SHAWN MENDES

It was Friday night, also known as the one night per week that Shawn was completely and utterly mine for the night with no distractions. No phones, family or friends, just me, Shawn and the movie that one of us picked out. Tonight it was ‘Its a Boy Girl Thing’ that I found in the large collection of movies that we had gotten over the years of having this tradition. 

 "Shawn have you got the popcorn yet?“ I called from where I put the disk into the DVD player. 

 "It just finished” he called back and soon enough he walks into the lounge room with a bowl of buttery popcorn. I grab the blanket from off the couch and I sit on the couch waiting for Shawn to join me. He sits down next to me, so close that our arms were pressed against each other and I turn, raising my eyebrow at him.

“Can I not sit down?” he questions me with a smirk and I can’t help but laugh. 

“You know what I’m going to say,” I mumble reaching for the remote to press play as the menu for the movie appears. I met Shawn 5 years ago in high school and since then we have been inseparable. 

“Sorry,” Shawn says although I can tell he’s anything but as he leaves an inch between us. He’s made his intentions very clear about our friendship about 7 months ago, he wants to be more than friends. 

The only thing is that I was too scared that if we did have a relationship, what if we broke up? I wasn’t willing to risk our friendship for something that may or may not work out. 

Of course that was the rational side of me talking. The other half told me to stuff the consequences and go straight for it. I mean, Shawn was my best friend, we were like two peas in a pod, partners in crime. He meant the world to me and I would do just about anything for him, but that tiny voice in my head kept saying what if I stuff it up?

“I missed you,” Shawn says turning his head to look at, biting his lip gently. 

“I missed you too” I whisper, feeling my heart speed up at his simple words. He cracks a smile at me, warping one arm around my shoulders and knowing that he’s not going to take my excuses to try and push him away anymore I let him.


It was around three quarters through the movie when I felt Shawn’s gaze burning into the side of my head. I looked up to meet his gaze but instead find his lips against mine and his hand resting gently on my cheek holding me there.

Feeling like I was frozen to the spot I stayed completely still as his warm lips pressed gently against mine. Shawn was kissing me. Kissing me. Slowly I started to move my lips against his and my hands somehow found my way into his hair. 

When his tongue softly swiped my bottom lip, I snapped out of it. Pushing him of me I stand up. 

“What was that?” I growl at him sending him a glare. 

“That?” he says matching my glare. “That was me kissing you,” his words send a shiver down my spine and it was as if he knew exactly what to say to make my anger disappear. 

“Why would you do that Shawn? We’re friends! Just friends.” I say crossing my arms over my chest. 

“Please you and I both know that neither of us want to be just friends anymore,” Shawn says standing up and taking a step so he was inches away from me.

“I-I.. well..” I stammer trying to find words but frankly my mind is blank.

“I’m sick of having you push me away every time I try to come closer to you, to show you how I feel” Shawn says, his eyes never leaving mine. “I love having you as my best friend, you’re always the one I can count on when things are tough but I can’t continue to hide the way I feel about you,” 

My mouth feels dry and I wait for him to continue, knowing that he’s been keeping this bottled up for a while. “I want to be able to buy you flowers just because, be the one to hold you when you sleep, introduce you to my parents as my girlfriend instead of just the girl who I wish I could be dating but she’s too busy trying to only be my friend,” he says running his hands through his hair frustratedly. 

“But do you know what I really hate?” he pauses and the movies dialogue fills the silence. “I hate having to say ‘I’m sorry’ after every time I try to get you to notice how badly I want to be the one for you,” Shawn takes another small step forward so that our foreheads are almost touching. “You know what?” he asks me a small smirk appearing on his face. 

“What?” I say breathlessly. His speech got my mind whirling and my stomach a forest of butterfly’s. “I’m not going to apologize for this. Not anymore” 

And with that final note I’m not sure whether it was him or me who closed the gap between us and pressed my lips upon his, my hands against the smooth fabric of his t-shirt that covers his shoulders. His arm wrapped around my back pulling me impossibly closer as I wound my fingers through his soft hair.

I pull back to get air and my eyes find his. “Do I have to apologize for that?” Shawn says teasingly.

“Forget the apologies” I smirk back before pulling him to me once again, my doubts about us completely diminished. 

Originally posted by mendesgif

Workout Log 3-23-17

Man, I don’t know what it was about today–but, cardio. Status: Slayed. Maybe it’s because I slept like an absolute rock? Maybe I hit some sort of exact sliver of time for ingesting my fruit and water beforehand? I dunno. Could be all the carbohydrates I ate yesterday! Dunno. Column A, Column B. There’s also the chance that I’m just getting better. Oh, gosh. I should just let myself have this victory. Why, yes. I don’t mind if I do! I did it, after all. 

But, I’m comfortably holding a steady 5 mph pace this morning (up from 4.5 mph in previous weeks) and getting my bursts up to 7 mph (up from 6.0 and 6.5 mph in previous weeks) and wasn’t even entering peak heart zone this morning. I was thinking, “Holy crap, I can still breathe?” I did stick a little walk cycle in, but damn. Not bad for a chick who couldn’t jog 30 seconds straight 18 months ago!

Playlist Picks: Rick Jame’s Super Freak,” tell me that bass line doesn’t make you want to dance! I wouldn’t believe you if you said no. And, Nu Shooz’s “I Can’t Wait.” As much as I wanted to bust moves out on the treadmill, that’s how you get permanent brain damage, I gather. 

Now that I’m home I can actually dance to this music!

too-many-goddamn-fandoms  asked:

For the honesty hour thing: So, how did you fall in love with Sakuya, and want attracts you to his character? Im interested in this!

Lol girl did I ever tell you that I love you?

It took me awhile to answer this because I needed to collect my thoughts about it. AHAHA TAKE A SEAT EVERYONE. Okay gosh where to begin….. THIS IS LIKE THE INTERVIEW I WAS WAITING FOR. HA.

Well, as some people know I wasn’t extremely fond of Sakuya when I first started Servamp about….7-8 months ago? I didn’t hate him or anything, just didn’t really care for him at first. (but that kinda goes for quite a bit of characters really, but everyone grows on me at some point. ^^)

I think what really got to me was after learning about his past and how it affected his motives, relationships and current situation in the series.

So many aspects about his characters just make so much sense but I feel like are just kinda looked over……. probably cause his backstory was kinda glazed over real quick, in my opinion at least. (Like why dammit? I have so many questions still, this series can’t do this to me.) It just really kills me inside, especially the more I thought about it and the more I think about his character.

I’m gonna kinda express some of my new random thoughts on his past , cause this intrigues me oddly: (Kinda theory time right now whoooo) AND ALL IS WHAT GIVE ME SO MANY FEELINGS MY GOSH.

Just thinking about the extent of the abuse he must’ve suffered is something that really boggles my mind…… We know it went on for years, those 6 years before his “death” and then probably a few more before that obviously, when his sister was still alive. Who’s knows how long she had to endure it though? She was much older, Sakuya was about 9 at the time, and she appeared to be High School (or maybe Middle School can’t really tell with the uniform.) 

She was also the one covered in bandages after all, and we couldn’t see any visible scars or injuries on Sakuya. So she obviously took all the beatings so he wouldn’t have too most likely but after when she died I’m sure things got worse for poor little Sakuya.

But this is my other biggest thing about the abuse he went through…

How come he never tried running away?

We all know his parents threatened to do the same thing to him as they did to his older sister, but could he really not just try and leave before anything happened? Maybe not until he got a bit older.. but still….

Was his parents that controlling? I doubt his parents even cared enough to hunt him down if he did run away…. So why didn’t he try? Did they really keep him that locked in? Its so hard for me to imagine him being and feeling that hopeless, did he have zero fight inside him?

It’s hard to imagine him not fighting back in the slightest. But he could have been a very different person back when he was human too, of course. Maybe more meek and submissive… again who knows. (To be honest, I am extremely curious about to what most of the vampires characters were like before they were vampires and who and what they did before as well.

But anyway, do you think Sakuya put up with it…

Because it was ALSO a loyalty thing??!? I’m making no jokes here. Hear me out, even if he hated his parents(I’m sure he did obviously, even though he never explicitly said he did, because we had Tsubaki tell his story, and not Sakuya.)

Do you think he never tried running away or whatever, because he just felt like he just couldn’t? Like he was betraying something? Maybe not his parents, just because “They are my parents…. whether I like it or not. I have to listen to them…

But maybe because of his sisters death? Like he felt like he had to endure it like she did for him?? I mean…. he was told:

“You don’t want your sister’s death to be a waste, right?”

YOU GUYS GET WHAT I AM SAYING HERE RIGHT? History can repeat itself….

(This boy is gonna kill me with his conflicted ass)

Maybe there wasn’t actually much physical abuse doing those years… Maybe at least for as long as he did what they said and stayed out of their way and kept their secret. But I kinda already talked about this part in a post about what I think happened to his parents after he became a vampire. (I am very sensitive about this topic alright?)

We know they killed his sister so they could get insurance money(ughh so sickening) but did they really try to kill Sakuya for more money? They would only be two people at that point…… so that’s why a part of me is like, “there’s gotta be a greater reason.” The best conclusion I came up with was “They killed him because maybe he tried to TELL someone.”

Think about it. Sakuya hates lies, he had to lie his whole life basically. He takes it very serious and to heart. WE KNOW THIS.

We know he only kept it a secret because he was threatened and didn’t want his sister’s death to be in vain…. But maybe he eventually cracked under all the pressure… And maybe tried speaking about it or was planning too and then… That was also the day he died…… Damn…. I just stabbed myself in the heart.

So yes, his past is a big factor on why I found him so interesting initially when I was new to this fandom/series, I was really hoping we would see his past elaborated a bit or learn more and see what he does and how on earth Mahiru was gonna “save him.”

I could go on and on about these two as well. Not in a shippy way…. but friendship or romantic, considering his past it makes sense to why he’s attached to Mahiru. Again in another post where I “defended his character” I guess you could say, I talked about how Sakuya’s “screwed up friendship methods” and how he really dug himself into a hole. -__- But I was saying its almost hard to blame him for going about the way he did. BECAUSE IT JUST MAKES SENSE SADLY.

Sakuya is a real lonely and distant kinda guy. After he sister died I’m sure he didn’t have much light in his life then. No one to talk too, no one who understood. No one who loved him. I’m sure growing up during those 6 years he was probably afraid to get close to anyone. What was school like for him then…. did he really have no friends at all for 6 years? It’s crazy to think about right? His childhood was anything but normal…. 

But then he received a “second chance” after Tsubaki found him and I’m sure Mahiru’s kind-hearted nature really drew him in, it’s not wrong for him to really want a friend, yeah he did go the complete wrong way about it, but unfortunately lies and deceit is all he knew how to do. He found some light in his life, and he was willing to do anything to hold on to that for as long as he could. Also HE KILLS ME because he regretted lying to Mahiru so much and did all the awful things he did/said, BECAUSE HE WAS HOPING MAHIRU WOULD HATE HIM and have his Servamp KILL HIM because he felt that was the only way to apologize for everything. and BOIII did that really kill me. AND THEN MAHIRU FORGAVE HIM STILL and now look at where he is with his conflicted loyalty….


-inhales- ALSO ONE THING I NEED TO GET OFF MY CHEST BECAUSE THIS REALLY BOTHERS ME. Before ANYONE says “Mahiru is too forgiving about the whole fake memories thing and shouldn’t have forgiven Sakuya or be his friend.” Cause I HAVE heard someone say this and it makes me angry.


  • Mahiru shouldn’t have forgiven and accepted Kuro for his past and all his sins and regrets, that he never shared with him. Also for attacking Mahiru that one time, lets not forget.
  • Mahiru shouldn’t be friends or ever trust Lawless because he’s killed so many eves and killed all of Tsubaki’s subclass and who knows what else he’s done?
  • Mahiru shouldn’t be finding a way to stop Tsubaki without killing him, because he’s not worth it.
  • Mahiru shouldn’t be trying to save Tsurugi either because he’s also done bad things.
  • AND SO ON.

SO SCREW EVERYONE WHO SAYS THAT. Cause you’re basically saying NO CHARACTER deserves happiness. -exhales- Sorry I just feel very strongly about that and I forgot to mention this in my defense post awhile ago. I feel better now~

So about Sakuya’s damn conflicted loyalty between Tsubaki and Mahiru. How are things gonna go from here?.WHICH ROUTE MY GUY? I WANT TO KNOW.

Tbh he’s kinda similar to Tsurugi in a sense (a certain someone kinda opened my eyes about that) that the whole “afraid to start something new because this is all that I’ve ever known and honestly I don’t know how to feel anymore?” kinda sense.

Although Tsurugi is debatablely the saddest character in servamp right now (backstory and current situation and all ARE WAYYY more painful.) 

What? Just cause Sakuya is my fave didn’t mean I’m completely biased about him. He sad. But not the SADDEST. I just thought I would mention this cause the parallels kinda fascinate me.

I WANT SAKUYA TO TAKE SOME ACTION. HE’S FREE NOW RIGHT??? What’s he gonna do now??? What’s he planning to do!?!? STILL WAITING HERE.

. Ughh its probably gonna be awhile until we get anything about Sakuya again. Which is fine. Cause its not his arc right now.


But still I’m extremely curious… To what he might do in the future…. I mean Sakuya and even Lilac are still running around freely unlike the other melancholy members at the moment? So will he somehow be involved with that later??? Will he find Tsubaki??? WHERE ARE YOU MY BOY?

Ughh I’m having Sakuya withdraw lol… I hope he gets to do something exciting or important soon…. Tanaka strike is TEASING ME by putting him in so many recent official arts but then NOT IN THE ACTUAL STORY. WHYYYY. (well we do see Sakuya in a recent bonus chapter so….)

I HOPE THAT MEANS STRIKE PLANS TO INCLUDE HIM AGAIN SOON. I’ll take it as foreshadowing *sobs* Strike obviously hasn’t forgotten about him….so JUST waiting and watching now.

Waiting and watching….

Sorry, that got so angsty above I wanted this post to be positive too.. So here are good/fun things I like about him:

  • Even though he character design absolutely baffles me(yes I mean the hair) I gotta say I really love it~ His hair is really something original that’s for sure. HA. His design also helped immediately catch my attention to him also I may have a bit of a “stripes bias” ahaha I own A LOT of stripe shirts myself lol always have and always will.
  • He owns a lot of pink accessories and wears pink a lot too! LET. BOYS. WEAR. PINK. YES. YOU. GO. MY. BOY.  He rocks it fight me.
  • He’s cool and I’m kinda curious on what his subclass ability is. If there is even one for him. Weapons seem to be his specialty. (F.E knives, chainsaw(which I am still trying to figure out how magically pulled out in AN ELEVATOR!?! And can make a sword outta blood apparently.

Originally posted by sleepynyashnekomancer

 But I don’t really trust the animes canon….) Also his little black strap things have a function??? THEY ARE ALIVE. WHAT

  • Look how happy Mahiru makes him. His smile is precious. He loves his friend so much I cry. I want them to be together and be friends again.

Originally posted by natsv

Originally posted by sleepynyashnekomancer

  • All the Tsubaki and Sakuya shenanigans make me laugh. One minute he’s crying to Mahiru “please don’t kill him” and the next you’re trying to put the guy into a fox trap. What even boi.
  • Has the best “yandere” expressions.
  • HE PRETTY STRONG and has great potential to be truly terrifying and useful. UNLEASH THAT POTENTIAL YOU GREEN EMO CHILD.
  • Another random thought I had was what would have things been like if Mahiru did choose to tell Sakuya about Kuro in the beginning like he originally planned? Might’ve still gone down the same way. But who knows?
  • (I could keep going tbh)


Thank you for asking Aviiiii~ <3

Update 3

Elena and I are more beautifully entwined in love than ever. 

She is the best thing to have ever happened to my life. As alluded to in the second update, she is a force in my life who has encouraged myriad dimensions from me, and shown unconditional love to them all. EVERY layer, not only the best layers, each and every one of them, flaws and all. Just as I so easily love each and every layer of hers, the most intense attraction to her mind, body and soul between us unlike any other being I have ever encountered… I have never felt a love this powerful and encompassing. Never even dared to dream of it, but this girl, Elena surpasses any dream of mortal conjuring. The purity and wonder of it all, how did I become so lucky?

For those of you who aren’t aware, we met on here almost 7 months ago. Chatting on tumblr and eventually skype with shared interests, a connection, and a pure attraction and magnetism for each other that developed into what we have today: an incredible bond of trust, respect, appreciation, support, understanding and care, sexuality, even more shared interests (loves and hates!), honesty and openness, generosity and patience, multiplied by the galaxies of passion and belonging emitted by two humans destined for each other. We are an ocean apart but no body of water, no continent, nothing can deny our love or our closeness. Elena has awakened a side of me, a confidence, a dominance and masculinity I never knew was there. She has opened my eyes to music, science, literature, culture, theories and philosophies that have blown my mind. If you’ve never experienced the wonder of her poetry or her mind or her humour or her incandescent eye for beauty take a peek or even follow my princess, @storiavitali. I now write poetry, I write so much to her, prose too. I garden, it’s almost literally like I’ve had my eyes opened to the wonders that spring from the earth. Elena has shown me nothing but encouragement for my career choice, it entwines nicely with hers too, not to mention her interests in the field of energy work. These are my main outlets now for creativity, outlets through which she so expertly stimulates and helps flourish. I’m learning new languages, learning new EVERYTHING, laughing harder and more often and talking about anything and everything with the woman of my dreams… I can’t get over what an inspiration and light mi amor de mi vida is in my life. I can’t wait to see what wonders our lives together will bring because I truly can’t imagine mine without Elena. I love her so so much!

anonymous asked:

wait... Dan will change his name in the new video? Where did you get this Information from? I''m confused ._.

Why are you thinking Dan might change his username? Have I missed something?

little clues and hints that were still pretty damn obvious from dan himself, much like the ones he dropped about the move. full breakdown below, but forgive me bc i’m going to be copy pasting from some posts i’ve done on this topic a while ago (so if you’ve been here for a couple months you may already have seen most of this): 

first, in his 2/7 live show, dan broaches the topic of regretting his user name and wanting to change it two separate times. at 44:02 he wraps up a story about how people have been misspelling it and then says: “it’s the worst. it just makes me hate everything. i’m like okay i know a whole important funny ironic part of my story is that this was my yt account when i was 13 and i just kind of kept it or whatever and .. same time i really regret that—you know people, everybody has used the youtube feature where you can just change the display name to something so i feel like i should just do that at some point … you can just change the display thing like—so I should at some point when i can be bothered.” this is the first time he explicitly mentions regretting dinof as a user name and wanting to change it. he then repeats it at 57:53, when someone compliments his tumblr queue and he says he needs to change his layout which he says is an item on “dan’s long list of 2017 changes. right up there with danisnotonfire.” so again. he explicitly stated TWICE that he wants to change his youtube name and that it’s on his list of things to do in 2017.

the following week, during his 2/14 live show, he mentions a new video idea for a danisnotonfire video for the first time at 44:51. he says “i have an idea for what my next one will be. i don’t know–i’m trying–i’m trying to get something like organized so i can like do something and be like, ‘POW, here’s a video.’ and i think it’ll be funny. if you’ve heard me moaning about some things that’s been kinda like an ongoing issue in my professional life, you might have an idea. which could be quite funny. i’m deciding whether to name it something which i think is hilarious but might–some people might be like ‘you motherf–’ but we’ll see …” and then he goes on for a bit about how he should use trashy clickbait titles more.

these instances together are why i and many others assumed that this video idea would be about him wanting to change his youtube user name and make a video about how consistently people fuck up their formatting/spelling of the dinof name. the bit about the idea for naming it something hilarious (which he mentions after a different ramble about how he should use clickbait titles more often) is why i thought he was probably planning on calling this video something like “the end of danisnotonfire.”

THEN in the 2/21 show, dan talks about an important video idea again here, and this time says this about it: “i have a very, very cheeky idea for the next danisnotonfire video, um, which might be a long time coming. especially for the people who watched the–i don’t know. i don’t know if i’m ready. it’s a big deal, and also not, and also quite funny. and that’s another one, if you love cringing and just looking–if you love laughing at my life being turned into a joke  you might enjoy that one. we’ll see, maybe it will be the video after next.”

this is the one where everyone freaked out and thought he could be coming out, and a whole range of other suggestions. while there’s no EXPLICIT confirmation that this latter video idea is the same one as he mentions in the 2/14 show, it just makes the most sense that it’s a continuation of the same concept. “cheeky” because of the clickbait title.  “long time coming” because he’s been complaining about his user name for, like, years. “especially for the people who watched the–” probably was him about to say for ppl who’ve been watching the last few live shows where he hints so heavily at this idea. “a big deal, but not,” because, quite literally, it both is and isn’t a big deal for him to change his user name. “cringing” and “laughing at my life being turned into a joke” because he views people fucking up the user name as intensely cringe-worthy. 

the very next liveshow, however, on 3/7, things get a little bit derailed. dan makes two interesting statements: 

first, when someone asks him at 34:43 about filming for dinof he says: “i was gonna make a video and then i didn’t, so that kind of ruined my plans. and then i decided to do another video so i filmed like half of it, and now i’ve got to do the other half of it and then edit it …”

so he pretty clearly states that an existing video idea (almost certainly the one he’d been talking about for a while) has been pushed to the back burner. for whatever reason, he decided against going through with that video and started filming a second one. we can reasonably conclude that the second one that he had done half of at that point was isg 9, and that the idea he’d been teasing for nearly a month was shelved for the time being. 

a little bit later in this live show, at 36:36, things get even more confusing bc dan is complicated like that. someone in the chat asked him “what about the rebranding video?” and he said: “there is no rebranding vi–. honestly are people still–? rebranding is a meme. there is no rebranding … make it sound so dramatic. everything’s the same. just with more attractive graphic design. but let’s see how many months it takes for me to change my youtube banner …”

confusinggggg. my thoughts about this comment are that dan has a specific understanding of the term “rebranding” and doesn’t think that a change of his user name would constitute a rebranding. dan also perceives that a lot of people misuse this word and therefore seems to dislike using it. he talked about the word being a form of “advanced humor” in this segment of his 12/20 live show last year. he suggests in this clip that the term is supposed to be a joke but too many people misunderstand it to be something a lot more serious like a change in the genre of content he and phil might make. in short, he doesn’t think “branding” or “rebranding” apply to serious things but he feels like a lot of his audience DO think that 2017 is going to bring a serious rebrand, by which he means a change in CONTENT. 

dan is correct in stating that the terms ‘branding’ and also ‘rebranding’ have become incredibly confusing because some people do use those words as a joke (like ‘drop the thicc branding’ even though thicc is obviously nothing to do with their ‘brand’ or their genre of content) and then many people also use it seriously (like phil changing to be more sexual in recent months is him ‘rebranding’ away from his innocent image). 

following in this confusion, a lot of people then also used “rebranding” to apply to this potential user name change even though a user name doesn’t fall into any of the above usages. it’s not a change in content. it’s not a change in persona. it’s not a joke either. it’s just,,, a name change? is that branding? i suppose? but it’s more legitimately “serious business” branding than the term “branding” has actually come to mean to most people including, crucially, dan. this is why every time i’ve talked about this video idea i’ve intentionally tried not to use the term “rebranding” because i don’t think that’s what dan thinks it is and i don’t think the word has a very clear meaning anymore.

so…. in short. i think dan said “there is no rebranding … everything’s the same,” because when he saw that question he got more hung up in the fact that everyone seems to expect some sort of monumental shift in dnp’s content/careers/personas during 2017, and, to his credit, it has meant different things to different people (some people see their new flirtiness as a rebrand. some people think they will make some more serious content changes. some people thought, going into this year, that phil would “drop the amazingphil persona” altogether, whatever that means.) dan probably has seen many posts speculating about these much larger issues and calling them a “rebrand” and got upset that people expect something this dramatically different from them. in that moment, it is possible to me that he didn’t think about “rebranding” as being applicable to dropping his user name. 

therefore, taking all of these comments together and looking at them chronologically i think dan definitely wanted to change his user name and make a video about it, eventually ditched the idea and did isg 9 and the quizzes video bc they were quick and easy to do in the midst of everything else happening in their lives (which we now know was moving and a shit ton of prefilming for dapg for while they were on vacay), and also probably bc he thought it would be fitting to make the user name video his last video in his old room before starting to film in the new place. 

shadowkatninjawarrior  asked:

Witness protection AU?

ok so the last time i saw a witness protection au was when the Merlin fandom was still alive so bear with me here i hope this is what you were looking for

  • nico’s parents were killed and he knows who did it (some high profile criminal that is suspected to be after nico bc he knows too much) so this special agent takes him across the country to new york to live with these distant relatives he’s never met
    • it’s the jacksons. to keep his identity hidden or whatever he’s now nico jackson, percy’s first cousin and his parents kicked him out for being gay that’s his cover story bc it needed to be believable
  • nico has to start going to school with percy in the city and will ends up being assigned to show nico around the place. he tries to get nico to talk about himself but nico gets more and more angry and defensive the more will tries to get him to open up
    • eventually will realizes that nico’s not going to talk about himself and talks about himself instead and they start to bond after a while
  • will ends up being nico’s only real friend, but he hangs out with percy’s friends a lot too, they’re pretty ok
  • nico and will only start dating after a few months bc will’s kinda pushy and nico’s trying to blend in. nico’s pretty happy and enjoying himself but he’s also very obviously keeping things to himself and will’s like super worried and gets pushy again to try to get nico to talk to him
    • still doesn’t work and kinda drives a wedge between them
  • after another little while nico finds out that someone at his school has found out more information about nico than is comfortable and so he goes to sally who takes him to that first special agent that’s in charge of nico
    • so nico has to go away for a while and leaves pretty much in the middle of the night so he doesn’t get to say goodbye to anyone or even pack anything really
  • will kinda freaks out and tries to talk to percy about where his boyfriend is?? he just kinda vanished?? but percy always just shrugs him off or ignores him so will goes to their apartment to talk to sally but even she says that she can’t talk to him about it
    • he gets super freaked out because at this point even his teachers seem like they’re pretending that nico never existed and why won’t anyone talk to will about this??
  • either nico comes back after at least a year and explains everything to will or they don’t see each other again for years (like they’re at least in college now) but nico seems a lot happier and more open now and they start dating again after they find each other
    • will still doesn’t find out what happened with any of what happened back in high school until like 7 years after nico had disappeared

i wrote this in the time that i should’ve been taking my math final exam but i did that over a month ago so here this is now i hope you like it!!

drop an au in my ask and get a list of headcanons!

Heartbeat Song

A/N:  Sorry for the delay… I’ve been planning this one for a bit now, and I’ve had some help this time around.  A huge thank you to @magnificentkidstarfish for your input!  Hope y’all enjoy it.  It’s way different than what I’ve normally written.  Will also be really long… so, click on the ‘Keep Reading’ to get into it.

Keep reading


My Favorite New (ish) Films of 2016 - If I saw it in 2016 and it was less than five years old, it counts for this list.

1. Bone Tomahawk (2015) - ‘Great performances from a terrific cast highlight this terse, tense, slow burn weird western that explodes into Fulci-esque violence by the end.’

2. Dredd (2012) - ‘It’s briskly paced, constantly tense, features disturbing explosions of gore and a simple but propulsive score. And it’s very engaging on a purely visual level, juxtaposing grimy, dystopian greyness with splashes of vivid day-glo color.’

3. The Duke of Burgundy (2014) - ‘A beautifully rendered, twisty, and compelling relationship drama that examines what happens when one half of a couple has intense fetishistic needs and the other half can’t sustain the enthusiasm for it all… Aesthetically, everything here is simply lovely, from the actresses to the costumes to the furniture to the music. Every artistic detail contributes to the melancholy, autumnal fragility of the piece. It’s a haunting, alluring experience.’

4. Green Room (2015) - ‘An unrelentingly tense and carefully constructed thriller… This one boasts strong characters and world-building, shocking gore, and chillingly business-like and indifferent Nazi baddies. Feels way more relevant and important now than it did even six months ago.’

5. The Hateful Eight (2015) - ‘Every time I see a new Tarantino movie, I think ‘this is his masterpiece,’ and this one continues the trend. Even though the movie riffs heavily on The Thing and spaghetti westerns, it feels like the QT movie least about other movies. I’ve always loved his stuff, but this film feels substantive and challenging and disturbing in a way he hasn’t really achieved before.’

6. High-Rise (2015) - ‘…equally cartoonish, surreal, horrifying, and colorful…  undercurrents of eerie, stylish menace help to create what is overall a rather bewitching experience.’

7. Inside Llewyn Davis (2013) - ‘Oscar Isaac is terrific in the title role and the script communicates so much so deftly, allowing us to know Llewyn deeply without ever getting bogged down in exposition. It’s quietly moving and subtly humorous throughout, with lovely music and a great period NYC feel that doesn’t overplay the typical bohemian signifiers.’

8. The Invitation (2015) - ‘one of those movies where you know something terrible is about to happen and anxiety builds and builds until things finally hit the tipping point. The Invitation is an intense, weirdly moving, and physically chilling experience.’

9. The Neon Demon (2016) -  ‘It’s draped in neon and synth music and moves at a crawl before erupting into witchery, cannibalism, and necrophilia in the final act. The movie is more than a bit ridiculous and full of itself, but so is all good artsploitation.’

10. Queen of Earth (2015) - ‘A chilling and subtly stylish examination of grief, privilege, depression, and most interestingly, the way in which friendships can become toxic and competitive over time.’

11. Whiskey Tango Foxtrot (2016) - ‘The script takes a sharp look at the Afghan conflict and the complicated sexual politics of the situation, with men and women on both sides of the East/West divide coming under scrutiny. It’s also about what people do to cope with living under extreme conditions, and it’s raunchy, exciting and ultimately rather moving experience on the whole.’

12. The Witch (2015)  - ‘a beautifully shot and superbly acted piece of historical horror… I also like the way the script characterizes religious zealotry as it’s own sort of prison. A gripping and authentic recreation of primitive American folklore.’


Dioscorea elephantipes, 5 months + 2 weeks
Ibervillea lindheimeri + Trochomeria macrocarpa, 6 months

Caudiciform update yay

Dioscorea Elephantipes
Another Dioscorea Elephantipes seed germinated! I’m not sure if it germinated from the seeds I planted 6,5 months ago or the new batch (sown 2 months ago). Either way, I’m so excited! The first pic is my 5 months + 2 weeks old D. Elephantipes seedling compared to my D. Mexicana. The caudex is now around 7 mm in diameter. 
I’ve been trying to keep it from going into summer dormancy by minimizing the amount of direct sunlight, but I think it’s inevitable at this point.

EDIT (June 6, 2017): Yeah, it went dormant and lost its leaf. Hoping it’s big enough to survive until it decides to wake up again.

Ibervillea Lindheimeri
The bottom left pic shows the caudexes on my 6 months old Ibervillea Lindheimeri seedlings. I’ve been showing you the odd caudex on the left, but as it turns out, the one on the right was much bigger - at least 2 cm in diameter. It won’t be long before I have to repot. There are 5 seedlings in this pot.

Trochomeria Macrocarpa
I haven’t been able to dig up any of the other caudexes without removing half of the soil from the pot. Just this little guy on the bottom right pic, who is looking rather sad with only one leaf attached to its stem.

Lana Del Rey about her career:

Lana, who is of Scottish descent, said she wrote her first song at 11 years old. “It was called ‘China Palace.’ It was about being a princess.”

She always hoped she had talent, said Lana, who was raised a Catholic. “I was the cantor in my church choir. I was an angel in Christmas pageants. I just really liked to sing. Even at a young age, I really wanted to have a career. I didn’t know if I could. That frustration was part of what led me down that path. I do have inspirational people in my life—people I met along the way who aren’t really well-known.” She made special mention of one such individual. “She’s a real estate agent. I met her seven years ago in New York and I loved her. I really wanted to be a singer. I would say, ‘I don’t know what’s going to happen.’ She’d say, ‘God didn’t save you from drowning just to beat you up on the shore. All you really need is patience when you have persistence.’ She’s just an angel.”

“I wanted to be part of a high-class scene of musicians. It was half-inspired because I didn’t have many friends, and I was hoping that I would meet people and fall in love and start a community around me, the way they used to do in the ‘60s.”

“It’s not actually a good trade-off, but it is nice to sell records. […] I think when you have sort of lived the life that I have, you would definitely take a loyal, smaller fanbase over a controversial and bumpy ride. Just because I have kind of lived a pretty quiet life for the last 10 years, done the same thing every day, kept my routine to sort of writing, editing videos, and doing other work that I do on the side. It definitely is an interesting experience to sell a lot of records, but not at the cost of having people question your authenticity when that’s something that means a lot to you as just a writer, which is what I considered myself to be.”

“I still feel insecure musically because I’m still looking for my tribe. When I came here to Brooklyn 9 years ago I had this romantic aspiration to find an artistic community where I could fit in. It’s the relationship I have with other artists that make me a true musicians, not the amount of albums I sell.”

“I was in more of a sardonic mood,” she says of writing Money Power Glory. “Like, if all that I was actually going to be allowed to have by the media was money, loads of money, then fuck it … What I actually wanted was something quiet and simple: a writer’s community and respect.” She talks about that frequently: craving a peaceful life in an artistic community, away from the glare of a media that “always puts an adjective in front of my name, and never a good one.” 

“I didn’t monitor myself on Ultraviolence because, with how tumultuous my trajectory has been, I felt even more of a need to be candid. You have to select things within your own body of work for a record if you want a concept record - which they all are, in my mind. For instance, for Ultraviolence, I really felt the need to get back to my roots and back to something that felt a little more feral and wild.”

“If you don’t want the problems that come with being in the spotlight the best thing you can do is try and take yourself out of the spotlight when you’re not on stage. I think my two big goals with work are to make great records, and stay out of the press for the wrong reasons.”

“Some days are better than others. Before all this, I was very happy. I was very involved in my community, I had people around, I could see my family often … In the evening I wrote songs and had fun. And now … There are all those people out there! [She says, referring to photographers, makeup artists, stylists, assistants and staff involved in recording the session]. I do not enjoy much of some things as before.”

“I have no discipline, no technique, I’ve never took any lessons. I just like to play with my voice, from the highest to the lowest pitch. When I listen to myself, the authority of my voice amazes me. It seems naïve to say that, but I love my songs, they move me to tears… When I find myself alone in the studio facing the microphone, I’m so free, capable of anything… I feel safer than anywhere else in these little “boxes” that are my songs. In life, I’m not good at many things: my only talent is to sing. In a song, I know how to express exactly what I feel, even more than in a conversation.”

“In my heart of hearts, I really wanted to be creative. I was really looking for direction and validation, for someone to say it doesn’t have to be business; you could do something where your entire life will end up being an extension of your profession.”

“I’ve been sad for different reasons. I have my own personal reasons. I was disappointed when I was criticized early on for those records that I was attached to because I considered myself a writer. Maybe the way I looked got in the way. That was disappointing for a few years.”

“Personally i use two parameters. First, find a musical community to belong with. Second, know that the community respects me and my job. Unfortunately i have to say that musically i don’t find my “tribe” yet, find somebody to love and share a sense of comradeship. Maybe it’s a romantic inspiration but i think about Bob Dylan when in the 60s he arrived in the Greenwich Village and he found his group of folk music. I’ve tried that too when nine years ago i arrived in Brooklyn but i have to please me of a different version, more simple. I hoped to find people that want to base their life on art. Maybe i found those people in London where i lived for 4 years. And now for 7 months i live in Los Angeles, that’s my escape.”

“No. Lana Del Rey is exactly who she’s supposed to be: Free enough to be her own person, and that’s exactly who I am. I’m not like a persona. I’m not a caricature of myself. It’s not like I planned on erasing my history. I’ve been a pioneer of the Internet myself since a decade ago. I was just trying to create something sonically that I could aspire to. First of all, no one was even listening to me for ages, so I did whatever I wanted. I had no fans, the same bands I’ve talked to for five years, and all of a sudden, everything changed, and they were like, “You used to be like…” The point is, I know what I like and what to write about thematically and I have integrity in my musical choices and I’ve stuck to that and I think it’s a nice gift for me because I have stuck to my guns about what I want to hear sonically. Well, it’s not a persona. It’s a different name. I’ve always thought that the way you’re kind of born into a name, a geographic location, a family makes it hard to choose for yourself who you want to be. By having a different name I felt more free to be exactly who I am. People seem to think sometimes that I am somebody on stage and then you get off and you’re another person, but I have a more alternative way of thinking. It’s not like I’m torn between two personalities. There’s no distinction. Not even a little bit. I wanted a name that sounded as beautiful as the music.”  

“My secret is how much I love to sing. Sometimes I forget how lucky I am to be able to do my favorite thing every day. It can get tiring trying to build a cohesive world if a lot of people looking in on it don’t really see how it all fits together—but with me, it usually works out in the end. For me, it’s never been about sales; it’s about the vibe, and everyone I work with on the records gets that.”