i did not expect to like this show but by the end of the pilot i was crying like a baby

7

12x03 “The Foundry”
The Problem with New Beginnings: On Mary’s Struggle and Decision

There are a lot of things this episode was. Sad and painful for one, pretty to look at for another, but subtle it surely wasn’t. Right from the beginning of the episode it was clear how this episode was about to end and the show hammered it down every single second of the 42 minutes it was long. This scene as well as the other one between Lucas and Mary when she tells him that “she spoke to his mommy” and that “she misses him so much” are the one’s though most heavily capturing Mary’s struggle and also directly connecting to the ending scene and what Mary tells Sam and Dean before she tells them goodbye (for a while).

As said before, the entire episode was structured around Mary re-living the night of her death basically. The MotW couldn’t have possibly been any more of a paralllel. The crying baby in the crib serving as a death omen to those being lured towards it and then dying by a frozen heart is a direct callback to the shows’s pilot with Mary waking up to Sam’s cries, seeing the lights flicker - like it did in the abandoned house as well - and not much later getting captured in Sam’s room, pinned to the ceiling and burning alive. This week’s case was almost a direct negative mirror to the Winchesters’ origin story - and in the end even the becoming a ghost part Mary had in common with this week’s case, though she of course protected their home unlike Hugo who preyed upon the children moving into their house). Sam described it pretty perfectly in the episode - yet neither him, nor Dean seemed to have been able to grasp just how directly this case affetced their mom as it brought back so many memories (of what she/they have lost).

“Mom, the victims were all lured to their death by a baby’s cry. The baby marked Natalia right before she was killed, the same way the spirit marked you. I mean if we hadn’t gotten there in time…”

The crying baby and flickering lights as well as the trapping these two stories have in common, it’s only the way of death setting them apart is the cause of death, but even there you can see a strange kind of reverse “poetry” as ithe show played with polar opposites here, with heat and cold. And of course the show made all this unmistakably clear by having Mary remember her own death intercut with her experiences in the abandoned house right before Sam and Dean head out for the salt and burn.

All of that said, what got to me most about these scenes despite the quite exhausting hammering down of “Mary not feeling home, carrying guilt, missing her old life, etc” were these interactions with Lucas. And maybe I am totally reading this into the scene and it wasn’t intended to be taken that way, but I personally could not think that Mary didn’t not in some way see her 4 year old Dean in Lucas. I mean, of course Dean’s hair was a little darker, but the cut and age wise Lucas and Dean surely seem to have been around the same age and I personally cannot not think that Mary saw Dean in that boy, saw everything she lost like she tells them later.

And I won’t even go into details about how one could see that alignment also in relation to 1x03 “Dead in the Water” where Dean bonds with a boy clalled Lucas who doesn’t speak, but communicates through drawings - much like this Ghost!Lucas here didn’t talk, but communicated through his gestures. In that third episode of the show we learn so much about Dean as a character, what he’s been throuh and what he saw (see longer meta on Dean and Lucas in 1x03 “Dead in the Water” here and here). I personally think this week’s episode may have drawn parallels consciously there since Berens wrote the episode and I peg him for the kind of writer to consciously insert such callbacks, but who knows…

So when keeping all of this and the ending scene of the episode in mind, when Mary shares that she misses her husband and her two young boys, looking at this moment and the way she looks up and nods towards Lucas to move on and let go almost gets a “longing” quality to it as she later mentions that she was happy in Heaven with all of them and when looking at Mary swallowing and crying there in the abandoned house I personally could see her in that moment almost wishing she could have her past life back too, the “life” she had in Heaven. It’s so painful and horrible and it just makes me feel more anxious about how Mary’s storyline at the end of the season will be wrapped up, because let’s face it, if this week’s episode’s ending was painful, imagine how it would feel if the brothers truly have to let her go again. It would destroy them, so fingers crossed for that not happening.

Aside from all that what I also found pretty cleverly done here was how one could think of - or maybe I am just grasping at straws here about the past season not just being rendered meaningless in regard to the Empty, etc. - last season and Baby!Amara as well (that was a parallel to the pilot too after all) and especially because Mary wore the colours connoted to the Darkness (burgundy/dark red and black/dark/blue) and was literally “marked”.  And last but not least the episode and Hugo binding the kids’ ghost/souls to power him up, also reminded me of last season’s “Safe House” with the soul eater, which seemed like a majorly important episode for the end of the season 11 and especially in relation to the Empty, which I still holding out hope to not just be forgotten completely. But maybe I am expecting too much. ;P In any case this week’s episode was painful, painful, painful. Anybody else thinking that Mary may set out to Lawrence Kansas to visit their old house to find closure? I think that could make one hell of an episode tbh.

Come Home//Josh Dun

Requested: Can you do one where josh comes home from tour and sees his two your old daughter for the first time in a few months and he gets really emotional Idk I thought something like this would be really cute haha

Xx

               Just like the times Josh had left for the studio, your daughter preformed her “mommy, when is daddy coming home?” act. Otherwise known as your baby girl crying, begging, and hopefully asking when her father would be returning. The studio situations weren’t as bad though, it was only a few days at a time and she would mope it out and squeal in happiness when Josh returned and gave her their secret hug-shake (yes, your 2 year old named it that because secret handshakes weren’t cool enough and she loves her daddy’s hugs). Except, this time it wouldn’t be that way. Josh wouldn’t come back in a few days, he wouldn’t be able to call her directly before bedtime (because now the timezone differences wouldn’t be an hour or two), he would be gone for so long.

               You could tell this thought bothered Josh to the core as well, although he played it off as nothing; trying to be the strongest of the three of you. Claiming it wouldn’t be that long before he was home. That the two of you would have a blast with your “girl time” and it would feel like he was only gone for a week. Oh how wrong he was.

Xx

               “Daddy!” You were awaken by your daughter squealing from her room. You hated to admit it but this was a normal occurrence, she would have a dream that Josh was finally back from tour; realize it was only a dream then fall into a puddle of sobs. “I want daddy back.” You heard her quietly sob as you walked into her room. When you sat beside her she snuggled right into your side, tears wetting your shirt as you sat in silence; rubbing her back in an attempt to soothe her back to sleep. “Tell Uncle Marky and Ty to give me my daddy back.” She sobbed, the sound broke your heart. She was struggling so much without Josh’s presence, and it killed you knowing there was nothing you could do.

               “Go back to sleep baby. We can call daddy tomorrow, okay?” When she gave you no answer, you took it as a sign of her falling back to sleep. You tucked her back in under her plush blanket, giving her the small kitten Josh had won her from the carnival before he left and returning to your room. Now wide awake. You opened your phone, going on snapchat. Looking at various people’s stories. Mostly of them hanging out with family, friends, some drunk snaps. Then you saw Josh had updated his (surprise surprise really; he always had snaps of his performances on there). When you opened it though, a surge of anger and jealously went through you; from your head to your toes you were furious. There he was, playing with somebody else’s daughter and having the time of his life. He had time for that but not your own daughter? Throwing your phone to the side you flopped down in bed, forcing your eyes closed and willed yourself to sleep. You knew deep down there was no reason to be angry, but in your half asleep heart-broken state that crossed so many lines.

Xx

               “Mommy, mommy!” Your daughter jogged back into the room, your phone in hand as she had done so. You were currently in your Livingroom working on orders from the Twenty One Pilots webstore. An easy way to help the guys in their dream, while taking care of your daughter while getting money for it. A win-win job; not to mention the idea of how happy the customers would be when they received their order. “Look at what daddy posted!!” You grabbed your phone out of her small stubby fingers, praying she hadn’t seen the one where Josh was playing with someone else’s daughter (you couldn’t even begin to imagine what would happen if that was the case). To your happy surprise, you saw a picture of Josh with a slight pout on his lips with the caption “missing my favorite girls back home”.

               “Awe. He misses you honey.” You ruffled your daughter’s hair, ignoring her screeches for you to stop. At two years of age the girl was obsessed with her hair (which may or may not have a bright pink streak in it thanks to a certain drummer).

               “He misses you too mommy! Girls means more than one. More than one means you and me!” You rolled your eyes at her logic, pulling her into your lap smiling. “I’m happy he didn’t forget me. I really miss him.” Your daughter sighed, resting her head against your shoulder. You decided not to press the subject, or say anything in response. But rather hold your daughter a little closer for a few minutes. Though you couldn’t do anything to make Josh come back faster, at least you could hold your daughter close and show her that you were there. “I love you mommy.” She pressed a soft kiss to your cheek before wriggling out of your arms and scurrying off to her room.

Xx

               “Mommy, I have a question!” Your daughter ran into the kitchen, markers in hand with a piece of paper. “I need you to bring me to town so I can get supplies!” You raised an eyebrow at her, grabbing her little list from her hand. “I need a drum thingy, you know the thingy you hit” To enunciate her point she smacked the counter, only to get a stern “mom” look from you, in which she immediately apologized with a giggle. “A picture of you, me, daddy and Scully” Scully being the family cat; aka your daughter’s best friend aside from Josh. “And yeah! Let’s go!!” She grabbed her jacket, boots and everything before you stepped in.

               “Honey, its late. The stores are all closed!” You weren’t lying, it was 8’oclock on a Sunday, all the stores probably closed 2 hours ago.

               “Well they should open!” Your daughter huffed, taking off her outside clothes before storming angrily back into her room. You softly laughed at her reaction, and began to wonder what on earth she needed a drum head and a family picture for.

Xx

               “Thank you mommy!” You heard your daughter yell as she scurried back to her room with the bag, calling for Scully to join her as she did so. Needless to say that was the last you saw the picture, and drumhead for the months Josh was on tour.

Xx

               “Daddy!” Your daughter cried in happiness, after 3 long months he had finally made his way through your front door. Back to his family. “I missed you so much!” The girl was sobbing at this point, clinging to her father’s shoulder as he lifted her. He pressed a long, loving kiss to her head; obviously trying to fight tears himself. You sat and watched, wanting to cry yourself.

               “What are you doing over there, get in here.” Josh mumbled, tears now visible down his cheeks as he held his open arm out to you. With no second thought you wrapped your arms around his middle; missing the warmth of his embrace, the smell that radiated from his shirts, the sound of his heartbeat when you pressed your face to his chest.

               “Daddy, can you put me down?” Your daughter asked, and to his dismay Josh put her down; watching in a mix of fear and pain as she ran off.

               “Does she hate me? I didn’t mean to have her hate me because of tour.” You felt both of his arms tighten sadly around your frame as you clung to him. Rubbing his back reassuringly—because frankly. You weren’t expecting your daughter’s reaction either.

               “Look! I made this so you don’t have to miss us as much on tour. You can put it on your drums. There’s me, and you, Scully and mommy!” She smiled, pointing to each person as she spoke. Your daughter had decided to glue the family picture, which had you holding her in your lap; and Josh holding the cat like a baby (which Scully did not like one bit). Along with her sloppy scribbles that you couldn’t quite make out. “It says we love you daddy, we miss you very much but you’re always awesome!” Josh’s smile was indescribable as he went over and pulled his daughter tighter than ever.

               “Thank you sweetie. I can’t play on it though; it’s too pretty. But I am definitely going to bring it with me. Put it on the wall of my bunk so I can see you guys right before I fall asleep and when I first wake up. I love it” Josh pressed a loving kiss to your daughters head, obviously overwhelmed by love with the gift your daughter had spent months making him.

               Although the distance and time apart was rough; moments like these made it all worth it in the end.

anonymous asked:

I'm so sad that after everything, they cut off Klaroline when they did and I feel bad for the fandom that the writers switched and baited so many times and gave them false hope especially the ones that still believe in Klaroline endgame.

LOL. Seriously. LOL was the first thing that popped to my mind when I read this.

First of all. I am not sad they cut off Klaroline like they did and when they did because it was a blessing in disguise. No one at this point can even deny that 4x23 was the endgame no one is ready to forget and the only IC endgame that matters. So yay for endgame.

The writers after that created a whole bunch of white noise and nonsense that had people running away from the shows. That is the fault of the writers no matter how they are trying to accuse others for their mess. Their wrote abysmal offensive and ridiculous stuff no one could take seriously and people refused to accept them. Simple as that. And bless anyone hearing out there that they did not include Klaroline into that hot mess. Because thank you very much but I love my ship way too much in order to see it become something painfully unrecognizable and have it changed so much even to its core to the point of making me feel at best nauseous.

I mean….for real….this year they showed a crossover where the actors were not even in the same room and yeah people were excited but damn it was so OOC. I cringed. Like for real the hair in the back of my neck danced the caramba. These people had the audacity to take Klaroline and show it with a baby on screen and more baby talk and baby cooing and baby wooing and babies here there and everywhere. How many were mentioned in that phonecall? Three? It was about babies and diapers and about promoting through a successful ship things most people hate. Klaus literally talked about Caroline’s WOMB for crying out loud. They even had Klaus use the visual with his hands to show the depth of the womb value. I mean I get it. This is what these writers think of women and their value but Klaroline was meant to be part of vampire genre and not a teen mom special. This is what they do. They push on things people do not want to see while they keep on with their baby fever. Even freaking twilight only had ONE freaking baby in their universe. The writers even used Klaroline for that mess this year. And this is why personally I have not seen the scenes at all. Not even in youtube. I only saw the gifs here in tumblr and discussions in meta blogs here and twitter. And I did not expect anything after that and at this point I prefer to not expect anything at all because I would rather get nothing than get something extremely disappointing. So please…CUT IT. CUT IT OFF.

Also…No one at this point can even deny how Klaroline had the most devoted fandom that is ready to bring down twitter and boost ratings and create the right environment for interviews and discussions and trends and panic when they get even a whisper of Klaroline (even in this hot mess obviously) and without any promotion. This fandom has absolutely nothing to prove. Just lie back and enjoy the ride.

As for the writers switching and baiting the Klaroline fandom you mean in comparison to what? All the other fandoms they keep on baiting and switching? At least Klaroline shone in a time where the shows were a success and most of all in a time where the writing was good.

These shows are so horribly written now that I am grateful that Klaroline is not part of them. I would hate to see my ship destroyed and have it in the midst of diapers, OOC and abysmal ridiculous writing.

As for the general pettiness and incredulous immaturity and disrespect these people show to their fans. Worry not. What goes around comes around and they are actively showing to everyone that they are a joke. That kind of behavior is noticeable and will bite them back. Yes no one cares for them or the shows anymore. Yes they are third rate writers and actors and shows and maybe they believe that their actions will be swept under the rug because of that but the fandoms and the media are not forgiving towards such shit. So no wonder they have fallen so much in the ratings and in the fan response. No wonder the network treats them the way it does (check lack of promotion, air dates, air days, episode counts, lower budget, loss in advertisements, etc). No wonder people have abandoned them and have not looked back ever since. No wonder of all the negativity that goes around aside from some stans that still stick around but even they are slowing going away. These are not just coincidences.

As for the ones that still believe in Klaroline endgame.

Do you realize that these shows have no consistency whatsoever? No planning. No direction of logic. They only care for floating above when they are desperate (aka why all of the sudden they took Klaroline for a ride once more this year out of literally nowhere) and all the people that are involved with the shows now are practically running around like headless chickens. TVD is standing at its last broken legs and going for their last hooray after being demoted to Fridays and scoring 0.3 in the demo and with Ian and Kat checking out before the lights go officially out and TO was not even introduced to CW’s program for the new season and was pushed to midseason with less episodes and with abusmal writing. No one cares for the shows. No talks about them. They are demoted to a shrunk fanbase and most people are ready to throw a party for their impending cancellation. At this point they have hit rock bottom. Hell they can’t even see the bottom from being so under it. So yeah. Klaroline could be endgame. Klaroline could not be endgame. They could introduce aliens and make them endgame. They could show a haystack rolling in the distance and name it endgame. Nothing makes sense anymore. THEY do not know. No one knows. So at this point it is a toss of the coin and a speculation over what could give them a positive boost for their final performance in order to attract some noise in the media (basically what they did for the 100th episode of TVD). That is practically it. So the people that still believe in Klaroline endgame are not delusional. Are they going to be proven right? Who knows at this point. And that is the point. The shows right now are not even on auto pilot. They are not even in free fall. They have crashed and burned and the funeral march cannot even be heard in the radio silence. So do not feel bad for any of the fans here. Feel bad for the shows and the writers. They do not deserve even that because of their disrespect but at this point it is the only merciful thing they are going to get.

Everything can happen sweetheart. Literally everything. Klaroline included. And it will make no difference because the shows are so bad that even Klaroline will be a shade of what it was and not what people actually want. Everything will be anticlimactic and will make no sense.

And in the end of the day the fans did not hold on to Klaroline because of hope or because of a potential endgame no one has promised them. They hold on to the ship because it was a great ship. Because it had chemistry. Because it was greatly written during TVD’s golden age. Because people do not stop shipping what they like because others tell them to. There are cancelled shows or completed shows that have not aired for years and people still ship couples and characters from those shows even today and quite passionately. People have not stopped shipping Klaroline and will not stop shipping it. Call it passion, insanity, devotion. Call it a fandom that created a family of friends and fanfic writers and video makers and art creators and bloggers and fans that hold on that kept and keep the ship alive. Call it what happens when you catch lighting in a bottle. And how much more when nothing else of value was written afterwards. How much more when the characters themselves were destroyed and turned to OOC caricatures afterwards which made people appreciate Klaroline even more. How much more when the shows turned into a parody so people hold on to Klaroline tighter. That made people hold on to Klaroline more because when you are used to diamonds you do not convert that easily to mud and decide to just take the shit some people try to force down your throat just for reasons. And how much more when as a collective fandom you have to go through attacks and bullying for simply shipping a ship.

Fans do not work like that anymore. Fans have certain expectations and when what they get does not fulfill those expectations then the fans themselves will be vocal and then they can keep what they love alive and hold on to it through the fandom. Welcome to 2016. A lovely time for fans to be happy and never sad and a way where you can get the endgame you deserve one way or another.

anonymous asked:

I really had some reservations but it looks like you were right. TO is not about the TO family but the Hayley diaries.

I really do not understand why people had so many hopes that this could have been any different.

It was obvious from the backdoor pilot. The backdoor pilot was the signature of the show. It was the episode that literally gave the first taste and said “hey this is what The Originals is all about” (and this is why I personally run away in the opposite direction lol) . Can we please rehash those facts?

  • The TO writers new from the summer after season 3 of TVD that TO was going to happen. What did they do? They killed one of the most favorable Originals. Kol. Can you please give more thought to this? They had EVERY CHANCE to make KOL a character in their show and the chose to kill him and to practically replace him with HAYLEY!
  • The TO writers presented the backdoor of the Originals where only three Originals remained and how much time did they give to the female Original that was supposed to be the lead of the show along with her brothers? Minimum to almost none. (Now how much time and attention did they give to HAYLEY?…she was the female character that had the more screen time in the backdoor pilot)
  • The TO writer CHOSE as the BASIC PLOT of their whole series a baby that simultaneously turned the whole premise into a PLOT HOLE. A baby that has as its mother who other than …HAYLEY
  • So that plot hole forced one of the most hated and rejected characters of TVD aka HAYLEY to become the MAJOR LEAD of the spin off where one fan favorite character was rejected and killed off by the TO writers (Kol), where the rest of the Originals were written off a long time ago by the writers (Mikael, Esther, Finn) and where the female Original got almost NO TIME in the backdoor pilot so Hayley could have more screen time and shine and have all the focus on her.
  • That plot hole basically was the way the writers found to introduce HAYLEY as member of THE ORIGINAL FAMILY. One that will be linked to them permanently.
  • That plot hole turned Klaus and Elijah into an OOC mess in order to make sure that HAYLEY would remain intact and her character would not be in any kind of jeopardy whatsoever when it comes to that show and her survival. Basically she is protected and she is the basis of the show.
  • You had Klaus crying on the roads in front of an unknown human and Elijah making speeches about family and about the baby and HAYLEY when only days ago his BROTHER KOL died and he made no reference or showed any sigh of distress.
  • You had Klaus and Elijah showing NO SUSPICION over the impossibility of that pregnancy and Klaus going on about an heir because HAYLEY had to become part of the Original family.
  • Basically nature’s loophole (plot holes FTW) was a way to say…welcome to the HAYLEY SHOW the end.

So please could someone explain to me HOW exactly everyone expected something else from that show? It was more than obvious that this show was practically written for Hayley’s character. The BASIC PLOT of the whole show was tied with HAYLEY’S WOMB.

People might not have liked it, people might not have wanted it but this was what was presented to them. You cannot expect to taste chocolate when the writers have shown you from the start that the plate is full with gooey shitty stuff that make you want to throw up. Even placebo has its limitations.

I have been seeing comments about how the baby would die or how Hayley would die. Newsflash. The baby might vanish for a while or grow up very fast in the future but Hayley is there to stay as AN ORIGINAL and that is that so she has to remain connected to the Originals family. She is one of them now and that means that the chain that keeps her and secures her as an Original (I might be throwing up in my mouth right now ) won’t sever so easily if AT ALL.

The basic plot is on her. Every character somehow connects with her. Every sup plot is connected with her and I have said that this was going to become worst…the writers were only buying their time and what happened?…I am seeing gifs over a werewolf princess lol. I have been saying back then that the writers were favoring Hayley’s character over Rebekah’s. That Hayley was the lead and Rebekah was the supportive (not to mention about the fact that PT can’t act and got the lead where CH that is more than decent in her acting got nothing to a show that was supposed to be about the Originals with her character actually being an established Original). No one believed me back then and I even got hate in my ask and now Claire Holt left the show and from the comments I have seen in my ask and my dashboard her character never got a plot in the episodes she was in. I have said back then that the characters were obviously OOC and people said to give time. Now? After all this time that you have had the pleasure of watching can you tell me that TO Klaus is the same with TVD Klaus? People were having hopes that the baby was fake or that it was going to die soon and I was saying that there would be a birth and major attention there and now they are keeping this for the grand finale right? I have also said from the backdoor pilot that they would sooner or later aim for a Klaus/Hayley/Elijah triangle. No one believed me then either and now I am seeing comments here and there and when you have the smoke soon you will also get the fire… trust me on this. This is the TVD writers we are talking about guys.

I am not clairvoyant or anything. Nor have I watched even an episode of TO aside the backdoor pilot. But I have seen MANY shows in my life so far and I am able to tell what is going with things like that and after 4 years of watching TVD I am familiar with Plec’s manipulations and tactics… ALL the signs were there from the backdoor pilot. It was obvious that this was going to be the Hayley show. It was obvious that it was more of a soap opera than a vampire show. It was obvious that there would be a certain lever of ridiculousness (Cry loud enough like Simba that you want to be King and the maybe you can apply for in TO too lol) and that the plots would be problematic since the whole show was originally based on PLOT HOLES and OOC reactions and things that made no sense or had any logic or consistency.

Now if you like Hayley’s character and if you do not care about what you have seen in TVD in the past and about plots in general then I guess it is okay. But for those that don’t like all that -and believe there are plenty out there- this is not easy. This show was supposed to be about the Originals and this is not what people signed for. No wonder the ratings are dropping. No wonder all independent from the production critics has nothing good to say for the show at the beginning and then completely ignored it. No wonder it is a failure in the social media. Because the writers used smoke and mirrors and parlor tricks in order to try to convince people to watch something than in reality was never about the Originals (not as they were introduced in TVD anyway) and now slowly the audience understands that their hopes and lenience has been for nothing because the show is about Hayley basically and she is not only there to stay as a lead but she is also what the show is all about.

And as I have said before this was what the show was all about ever since the backdoor pilot so no need for being so shocked and surprised now. This is what the writers offered from the first place. And this is what TO is all about.

Zendaya’s NYC Concert!!!

So I got a chance to see Z in concert last night in NYC. I was in town for something else and was excited to see that it would be the same time as her first show stop this year. I had an awesome time. I got there about an hour and a half before the show and the line to enter the theater was already wrapped around the building. It was funny people kept trying to find the end of the line so they’d ask – is this the line for…? and then pause before saying her name. It was almost like they weren’t sure how to pronounce her name or were nervous about saying it wrong so I heard person after person pause before saying her name. LOL.

But onto the show- It was a really good show. It was also a really great crowd and you could tell everyone was really into it and excited to see her. She definitely felt the energy and fed off of it. It felt much more cohesive musically and was a definite step up from the shows she gave last summer. The majority of songs she performed were all from her new album. She only did one short medley of 3 older Shake It Up songs and another older song towards the end. What struck me about the entire concert was how the musical arrangement from one song melted into the next. Erskine completely re-hauled the recorded album arrangement for every single song so that it had all these new and interesting musical breaks that flowed from one song into the next. Musically, it felt like a really polished and sophisticated production piece from beginning to end. Mama Kim was her host again- performing a little warm-up monologue at the beginning of the show welcoming everyone. She also kept bringing up the Nae, Nae dance getting the crowd to do it since she said that was Z’s favorite dance move! Hahaha!  Z had an opening act (a twelve yr old performer named Liam Bliss). Also, Kim mentioned that Disney was bringing her back in her own show where she’d also get to be a producer- so it sounds like her pilot got picked up? She wasn’t very clear but it sounded like it was a done deal- not as if they were still waiting to hear if the show would be picked up. She also mentioned that there were kids from the Make a Wish program there.

Overall, Z did a 14 song set with one encore song. She had two costume changes- first outfit a kind of mesh long sleeved shirt with a longer piece in back and a big 77 on the front of the shirt- plus mesh leggings and the second outfit was black and white leather pants with a matching vest. Everything was more form-fitting than her outfits from last summer.

She had four back up dancers with her- Dom, Deja, Trevor Takemoto, and Zach Hudson. They did some formation dancing but a lot of the time the dancers were also in the background doing freestyle movement while she was singing. I almost didn’t know where to look on the stage. It kind of felt like the dancers were jamming and performing their own private dance show at the same time she was singing. One thing I noticed about Z she was pretty much dancing non-stop all evening long. You could tell she was really out of breath when it came time for her to sing her slower more ballad-type songs. I think she was so hyped by the crowd that she couldn’t help but be moved by the music and want to dance around. She was definitely singing over a backtrack most of the night but sang the slower songs live on her own.

Here are the songs she performed in order.

  • Putcha Body Down
  • Heaven Lost an Angel
  • Butterflies
  • Love  you Forever
  • Cry for Love
  • Only When You’re Close (She got so excited during this number that she hopped down into the crowd and tried to run up and down the front  but couldn’t because everyone was in the way. Her brother had to hop down after her to get her up but then she promptly hopped down on the other side too. Hahaha!!! Wonder if they planned that or if she just did it in the moment. If so, they better make more space in the front row for her to run up and down next time. ;-)
  • Disney throwback medley with new instrumentals (Fashion is my Kryptonite, Watch Me, and Dream Like This/Something to Dance For all melting into one big song)

Then a super cool instrumental break with dance type beats- I really liked this! Some freestyle dancing by the dancers.

  • Scared (costume change)
  • Fireflies (I loved the concert version of this song- it came across really well. For the parts where you could hear her vocals she was super out of breath here because she was so into this song and dancing quite a lot.)
  • All of Me cover (I wasn’t expecting this but it was great to hear it live. The entire crowd was singing it with her and helping her along. There was a moment or two where she struggled a bit with the musical runs on the “Alllll” of me part but the crowd sang it with her and it just felt like a big ole lovefest. Just great!
  • Smile cover (this was a song she was really comfortable with and sang full out acapella)
  • Bottle You Up
  • My Baby (the crowd roared over hearing this one- I think this song is a really big second runaway hit from her album even though it wasn’t an official single- releasing that remix and the extra videos really helped getting the song exposure. Everyone started jamming to it right away.)
  • Beat of my Drum (ending with an oldie)

During the show at one point, she was setting up for the next song and people in the crowd were guessing that it was Replay but she started getting all coy and said she wasn’t sure she was going to sing it tonight. Well, sure enough she ended her set and exited the stage. But of course Kim came out and was saying that if we wanted to see Z again that we really needed to coax her out by singing Replay. It was really sweet the entire crowd started singing Replay acapella with the all the musical runs and everything- and that’s a hard song to sing that way. Kim and Z were very impressed so she came out and performed Replay as her final song. The crowd almost sang it better than she did- the crowd was word perfect and got all the lyrics right! LOL.

  • Replay

Overall, the show had a great energy and Z really took command of the stage. She can do one kick and it just really draws your eye because she’s so tall and commanding that you can’t take your eyes off of her. I had an awesome time. If you want to see the new songs in a cohesive package, you should definitely try and catch it if she comes to a city near you. A great start to her 2014 “tour.”

No Words

“You’ll get dizzy.”

I looked sideways and was greeted by a pair of brown eyes staring at me. They were soft with concern and warmth; practically begging to be looked at. I wondered if he was really talking about my reading in a moving vehicle when he said I’ll get dizzy or he meant something else, because I could feel my head getting lighter and lighter as I look into eyes harder.

I mentioned once in a tv guesting that I really, really like his eyes. It was true. They were heavy-lidded and with them, he looked sleepy all the time, but they have a strange gentleness I grew to love. His irises were an astonishing shade of light brown, and in my head, I call them honey eyes because well, the color. And maybe for some other reason that I refuse to acknowledge.

He fluttered his eyelashes, and I caught my breath in my throat. Now, I’m getting dizzy.

I smiled then looked down at the iPad on my lap. Snap out of it, Nadz. “Nagpapaantok lang ako.”

“Ohkaaay.” His eyebrows shoot up, and his voice faltered a bit on the second syllable. A moment after, his right arm reached for the pillow next to him and held it out to me “Here. Use this.”

His gesture made me laugh. It was the first time he ever did something like that. Not that he doesn’t show concern or do anything to show his affection; it’s just that that was my line, and that is my pillow.

“Wow, thank you ah. Na touch naman ako na you’re lending me my pillow.” I teased, but I grabbed the pillow anyway.

He bit his lower lip and crinkled his nose. Oh, dear Lord. “Sorry na.”

He gave me one last look, then stared outside. End of conversation. Awkward silence. Or maybe, I was the only one feeling uneasy because I never wanted the conversation to end. I wanted him to talk more. I wanted us to engage in a discussion, and never run out of things to say. I wanted to argue about the stupidest things, and agree on the weirdest stuff. I wanted to tell him that I think about him at night, I think about us even when the cameras are off, and I long to feel his touch even when the crowd is gone. But most of the time he seems like a million worlds away although he’s just sitting next to me, so I’d rather keep these thoughts to myself, and wait for a miracle, that maybe one day he’ll wake up and decide that he’d tell me things I need to hear.

I risked another glance at him before I placed the pillow under the iPad and I continued reading the slam poetry I found. I’m not really much of a reader, but I stumbled upon a video of two people reciting it, and the words sounded beautiful, so I looked for the transcription on the internet. I decided to listen to some music while reading, so I plugged my earphones and tapped ‘Shuffle.’

Iniwan ka na ng eroplano, okay lang baby wag kang magbago

I massaged my forehead with my fingers as I pursed my lips to fight a smile.

Dito ka lang humimbing sa aking piling, antukin

Of all the songs in my library, really.

Kukupkupin na lang kita, sorry wala ka nang magagawa

I fiddled with the earphone cord, and before I realized it, my smile had already grown wide. If he looked over, he might think that I have lost it, but what can I do?

Mahalin mo na lang ako nang sobra sobra, para patas naman tayo ‘di ba?

“Nadz, you okay?”

My head snapped up, and I found him smiling at me, eyebrows raised, waiting for an answer.

I shook my head and laughed nervously. “Yeah, I’m fine.”

“You sure? You’re crying.”

“What?” I brought my right hand to my cheek and felt fresh, warm tears. I let out another shaky giggle, and wiped my face with the back of my hands. My earphones got unplugged in the process, and I tapped ‘pause’ on the screen before I kept both the iPad and the earphones in my bag. I looked at him and he still had this worried expression on his face, so I forced a smile as I told him, “Ano ka ba. I’m okay, promise.”

“Hindi eh.” He scooted a bit to close the distance between us. My heart started beating frantically, so I pretended to look around the van to calm my nerves. Everyone was asleep (probably trying to get some rest after a very tiring mallshow), except for me, James, and our driver. James and I were the only ones in the row behind the driver’s seat, or as what our co-stars would say, “the love seat.” According to them, it got it’s nickname from us, and James would laugh while I’d roll my eyes whenever they mention it.

“Problems at home? You can tell me.” We were already squeezed on one side of the seat, and he was too close I could inhale his scent— laundry soap, the smell of the hair product he uses, and his perfume.

“Nothing, wala talaga.” Oh di ba Nadz gusto mo kausapin ka? O ayan, gumawa na ng paraan ang pasaway mong mata, ayaw mo pa rin? Ano na?

He gave me the side-eye; a sign that he is not convinced with what I was saying. So after a few debates in my head that went, Paano ko sasabihin sa’yo vs. Wala naman sigurong mawawala kung sasabihin ko vs. Magdahilan na lang kaya ako?, the final verdict was this: Ginusto mo ‘yan, Nadine. Malaki ka na, gawan mo ‘yan ng paraan.

“Okay, but promise you won’t laugh!” He nodded and raised his right arm as if he’s taking an oath while his left hand drew a cross over his left chest. I took a deep breath. I examined him—lips set into a thin line, arched eyebrows and expectant eyes. I avoided his gaze and stared at my fingernails as I began talking.

“I was reading some poetry, and listening to music at the same time, and then Antukin came on and you know how I feel about that song because, well remember I dedicated that to you? Yeah, so there. I was smiling at first and then it got to that part where it says, mahalin mo na lang ako nang sobra sobra para patas naman tayo ‘di ba and before I knew it, I was tearing up.”

His eyes widened, obviously surprised. I was also shocked with the way my mouth went auto-pilot. I was about to tell him that I was crying because the poetry was beautiful. Talk about word vomit, Nadine. Very nice. Gusto mo pa ng conversation? Eh di ka nga makapag organize ng thoughts mo.

I grinned nervously, as if it would erase his memory of what I just told him, then leaned forward, “Kuya, paabot naman nung tissue dyan..” I rested my hand on the upholstery while I stood up without thinking, because my head was filled with thoughts that went something like, I want to evaporate.

But as I was trying to reach for the box, Kuyang driver slammed on the brakes, and the impact made me lose my balance. Just as I was about to crash forward, I felt strong arms grabbed my waist and pulled me back. The result? My legs sprawled awkwardly on the seat, my head on his lap, and his left hand resting on just above the crook of my elbow.

I just watched his lips move when he spoke, “Kuya, dahan-dahan po.”

“Sorry, sir. Yung aso kasi bigla na lang tumawid. Ma’am kailangan niyo pa ng tissue?”

It was James who answered, “Hindi na kuya. Thanks.”

Then he looked down. At me. I could feel the weight of his stare, which made me unable to move. I was holding my breath while we continued the eye-staring contest. Suddenly, I felt a force pushing my head upward. Crap, I completely forgot my head was resting on his thighs. Wait, was he trying to get me off him? I found myself even weaker at this thought. I closed my eyes and prepared to get up, but there was a heaviness both in my chest and my head. Ang sakit.

The force pushing my head upward stopped, and I opened my eyes to find him looking out of the window, grinning from ear to ear. I tried to get up, but his forearm rested firmly on my waist, and his thumb was stroking my wrist in a relaxing manner. I moved my head slightly, and felt my cheeks flush at a discovery.

He was pushing my head upward because he wanted to tuck a pillow underneath.

His hand left my wrist, and I panicked slightly, until I felt something warm cover my lower extremities. He put a blanket on me. Shortly after, his hand went back to stroking my wrist. I sighed with relief. And happiness.

“Comfy?” He tucked a loose hair strand behind my ear.

I nodded. “Thank you, James.”

None of us talked after that, but this time, the silence was comfortable, and somewhat reassuring. All I could hear was the faint sound of the van’s engine, and James’ occasional humming, but surprisingly it was alright with me.

Because as I felt his hand on my waist, and the other stroking my hair, as I watched him steal glances at me when he thought I had already fallen asleep, I understood.

With him, it was never lengthy letters and carefully constructed sentences. He was always the quiet type; he was not that good with words, and it was stupid of me to silently ask something of him when I know I should have accepted that part of him long ago.

As for me, though I sound tact during interviews, when it comes to him, I stammer, my hands get clammy and my throat goes dry every time. Then, I end up saying the most awkward things.

Now, I understood. Cliche, but with us, it’s action speaking louder than words.

Cause if you ask me to describe what’s between us—the secret smiles, the lingering stares, that one last squeeze before we let go of each other hands?

There are no words.