With NaNoWriMo just around the corner, it’s easy to get caught up frantically planning, brainstorming, and prepping. Throw that on top of being a student, working full or part time, and well, even the sound of it is exhausting. I didn’t even mention eating, sleeping, hydrating and taking care of yourself in general. If you’re looking for tips on pacing and staying healthy in November, this post is for you.
Pacing and Scheduling Your Writing Time:
You have a whole 30 days to write 50,000 words.
Some people like to write every single day from November 1st-November 30th. That’s a minimum of 1,667 words per day.
Others devote several hours to bashing out a week’s worth of words. That’s a minimum of roughly 11,669 words in 7 days.
But remember! Your story, your rules, your pace. How much you’ll write in a day will depend on you, your schedule, and how much time you can devote to writing.
Now it’s time to figure out what kind of writer you are.
Sprinter, marathoner, or fast walker, in the end what matters is crossing that finish line on November 30th. Realizing your writing pace saves a lot of struggling to fit into a breakneck schedule that might not even be compatible with your pacing. Do you prefer writing for 15-20 minutes at a time? Or perhaps you feel more suited to writing for longer stretches. Once you figure out your pace, you can move on to figuring out exactly when in the day you can allot time for writing.
So now, take a look at your schedule. Where can you fit that desired writing time? Along with your pacing here are a few more things to consider:
Can you write every day? If not, that’s okay!
When in the day, do you prefer to write?
Will you have get up earlier or stay up later?
Where will you be at a projected writing time? In between classes? In a bus/train?
Will you be in an environment that’s conducive to writing?
If you have a schedule in mind already, great! Set alarms, pen it into your schedule, whatever you need to do to remind yourself to get that word count in.
Now let’s talk taking breaks.
We all know that feeling. “Just a little longer”, you might say. “I’m so close to finishing this scene!” It works for only a little bit, but honestly? Sometimes the best thing to do is step away and give yourself a breather. Again, this depends on your writing pace and schedule.
Taking a short break. (Generally 5-10 minutes at a time.)
Listen to a song
Watch a video
Get up to refill your water or grab a snack
Fix that posture/sitting position
Devote a couple of minutes to deep breathing and/or meditation.
Taking a long break. (Roughly 15-30+ minutes).
Watch an episode of your TV show
Take a walk or step outside for a bit
Walk a pet
Text/message/talk to a friend.
Take a nap. (Did you know you can reach REM sleep with 1.5-2 hrs of napping?)
Awesome, so you’ve figured out your schedule! Not so fast! Now that you’ve added more things to your schedule, I have a few suggestions on staying healthy with your new load.
Self-Care during NaNoWriMo:
Hydrating. Just because it isn’t summer (or even if it is, depending on where you are), water is still very important. Every single organ system in our bodies needs water, especially our brains, and we need to replenish it every day! Ideally, you want to drink 8 cups of water per day, more if you’re working out. What about juice? Juice can be great, but I strongly advise not substituting juice for water. Juice can contain a lot of sugar that can lead to sugar crashes. This goes doubly for soda. Also, Gatorade all those other energy drinks? I’d only suggest using those if you work out and need to replace the lost water and electrolytes.
Speaking of soda, step away from that night time caffeine. Put down the energy drinks.
If you like citrus, grab an orange or a clementine for a quick energy boost before a writing session. Your body breaks down that glucose quickly and it gets to the brain within 30 minutes. Plus, you get that daily dose of Vitamin C in and help boost your immune system’s defenses.
If you like tea as a writing drink, I suggest going for something that’s not so heavy with the caffeine. Substitute the black tea for green tea, herbal tea, or decaf.
Napping. Let’s face it, especially if you’re in school, a solid 6 hours of sleep is hard to come by. But did you know, that you can get REM sleep with long naps? That’s about an hour and a half or two hours, to reach the REM cycle, if you can fit that into your day. But even shorter, 20-30 minute naps will help.
Washing your hands. I cannot stress this enough. Don’t just use hand sanitizer (which FYI can really dry out your hands if you use it frequently). Wash your hands with soap and warm water and really lather up. The soap only helps remove any dirt and oil off of your hands. The friction is what helps remove any transient germs. Especially those of you who live on campus at a university, or live with siblings or kids. Humans can be gross! A lot of people don’t wash their hands after sneezing, coughing, or using the bathroom. Handwashing is the best thing you can do to prevent yourself and someone else from getting sick, especially with flu and cold season starting up.
With your writing schedule in hand and a handy dandy waterbottle at your side, you are on your way to having a successful (and healthy) NaNoWriMo!
E.G. Letine is a nursing student by day, fantasy writer by night, and an avid gamer. She has two rescue dogs and an aquatic moss ball. You can find her at eggletine.tumblr.com.
It is a truth universally acknowledged that any artist who aspires to improve should be drawing every day.
Being told to draw more, draw daily, draw while you eat, sleep, breathe, is probably the single most common piece of advice given in response to the question “how do I get better?” - I know I’ve certainly told people to do this.
But I have a confession to make.
I am a hypocrite and I don’t draw every day. Not even close.
I always seem to have a ready excuse for why I didn’t set aside 10, 20, 30 minutes a day to draw: I’m too tired, I got home late, I didn’t have any drawing materials on me, I was too busy. And yet I still grumble when my art feels like it’s stagnating. I feel disatisfied and frustrated with my lack of progress or the inconsistency of my style or with my inability to draw something in the moment (looking at you, anatomy, clothing folds, perspective). So I want to do something about it.
Every day for the month of February, I will fill a page in a sketchbook, much like I did with this page of scribbles. New day, new page. I don’t have a specific “improvement” goal in mind nor any particular subjects, but I want to get myself into the habit of drawing more freely and regularly, without the pressure of producing a finished piece of art.
I’ve already persuaded a few people to do this with me because I know I’ll need the support and motivation, but please feel free to join me in giving the challenge a go if you fancy it!
You will need:
a sketchbook or pad (I’ve chosen A5 because the size isn’t too intimidating)
an eraser (although I plan to use this sparingly)
The reason I’m doing this challenge traditionally is to get away from all the distracting bells and whistles that come with a digital art program and focus on the act of drawing itself. I also want to get over my fear of ruining a sketchbook with mediocre art. This is me giving myself permission to be bad at art for a while, because it really is the only way I’m going to get better.
The challenge commences February 1st - wish me luck!
It’s been 4
weeks since you slept again with Monty after the party. You were still a little
pissed because of the reason he gave you for breaking up but from that night the two of you started to
text and talk again. In the beginning it still felt a little weird, trying to
talk again with the person you loved but also hurted you so bad. You were still
holding back a little because you were
scared of getting hurt again but it seemed like Montgomery really was trying to
get you back. Maybe he did really love you and you started to open up again
piece by piece. Montgomery asked you to go on a date, to start over again and
to be honest you were pretty excited. You tried to hide it but that was pretty
hard. You couldn’t wait till school was over so you could get ready for your
date. You and Monty agreed on meeting up at Rosie’s so you could still keep
this a secret for your parents. Finally the school bell rang and you almost
sprinted out of class. Justin offered you a ride home so you were already
waiting at his car for him. When he came in your sight you started to wave and
sign he had to walk faster. Justin laughed and opened up the door for you.
“So I heard
what Montgomery did.” Justin suddenly said in a careful way. So the whole school
knew the stupid reason why Montgomery dumped you. You felt a little embarrassed
but you soon realised it wasn’t anyone’s business.
“Yeah, I know
it’s stupid.” You just tried to cut off the subject. Things were getting better
so you didn’t see the need in being reminded of your break up.
“I just- I don’t
understand why you’re still giving him a chance.”
I? Yeah he did something stupid but I still love him and he’s really trying to
make things better. Wouldn’t you like a chance with the person you love after
you make a dumb decision?”
“You have a
point there, but cheating is more than a stupid decision y/n.” You froze. What did
he just say? Cheating? You turned you head toward Justin with shocked eyes.
you just say?” you asked hoping your brain made the sentence up and you didn’t
hear it right. Justin wasn’t aware of your shocked gaze because he was focusing
on the road.
think you would date the guy again after he admitted he cheated on you. Second chances
are a nice idea but you don’t have to be too generous with them. It’s not like
he accidently tripped on her, like a kiss yeah maybe you could forgive that but
this was more like an affair. Like he did it more than once. I don’t think you
should walk over it so easily.” Montgomery had been dating someone else behind
your back? Or maybe multiple peole. What hurted even more was that you were
opening up again to the guy. Now everything made sense why he gave you such a
bad excuse. You didn’t see this coming in any way possible. You didn’t know your
heart could break even more. How could you be so dumb. Maybe your friends knew
and that was why they kept telling you breaking up with him was going to be the
if I hurted you, I didn’t want to make you mad it’s just my opinion.”
know Justin.” You felt your eyes well up. That douchebag had the chance to hurt
you over again even tho you promised yourself it wasn’t going to happen
anymore. Why would he do that, you gave him the chance to tell and still he
didn’t have the balls to be honest. He probably lied about way more. His weekend
away with his nephews and nieces? Probably her. ‘I’m going to practice extra
tonight’ probably with her. You dated the guy for over a year and Justin called
it an affair, it must have been a long time. You were overthinking everything
still going on that date?”
that even a question? Of course not! He can wait as long as he wants I’m not
facing him ever again.”
“See! I knew
your reaction would be like this, that’s why I couldn’t believe you gave him a
second chance. I’ll stay with you tonight, if you’re okay with that?”
The rest of
the night went by slowly. You saw the time hitting 7 o’clock. The hour you were
going to meet Monty.” 20 minutes passed by when the first text came in.
y/n! Did you forget about me? ;) xM”
it’s been 30 minutes.. please answer me. xM”
missed call from Montgomery
missed calls from Montgomery
you should turn of your phone. I know you, you’re going to answer maybe not now
but probably in an hour or something.” Justin was right. He knew you so well. It
didn’t matter how mad, sad, happy or busy you were you always answered
everything. So you turned it off. Justin put on a movie to take your mind of
things, but it didn’t work. Who was she? Why did he do it? Was it because of
you? Were you boring? That night you cried yourself to sleep. You didn’t want
to cry but letting it all out now was better than when you had to face
Montgomery. The next day you went to school with Justin, as usual. You were
walking towards your biology class when on the opposite side a familiar face
started to walk towards you. Montgomery was waving and shouting you name.
Before you could think you turned around and started to walk away, you were
walking faster than you ever did making it to your biology class. Now you were
safe for 1 hour, so you had to come up with a plan for the rest of the day. Biology
was over and you walked towards your locker being fully aware of you surroundings.
Going home was probably the most solid way to avoid Montgomery today so that
was what you were going to do. You closed your locker and turned around to walk
away when you bumped into someone. You started to apologize while you picked up
the others persons books. That’s when you heard his voice.
“Is that a
sorry for bailing on me or for bumping into me?” Montgomery said on a joking
tone. You froze at the hearing of his voice, there was no escaping anymore.
Let me know what you think and thanks for reading!
Summary: When there’s sexual tension between you and your potential boyfriend, You come up with a reckless plan to deter an awkward hookup. Finding a fuck buddy. The thing about reckless plans though, they’re bound to backfire badly. Hopefully you can come back from this. (Mark x Reader, Bambam x Reader )
Warnings: Piercings , Boys who Dab, Underage alcohol use
Written by: Smutty Jaefairy
A/N: Here’s some Mark and Bambam (No dabbing, sadly) smut and drama. This was fun to write. The title is a song from Tegan and Sara’s So Jealous album. I listened to it on repeat while doing this, give it a try if you like breakup music. I hope you guys enjoy it :’)
MTV: You mentioned that Prince is on the wax…but he doesn’t get credited. Why is that?
Stevie: Well…Prince leaves no clues. We have an understanding, we’re friends, and whatever he wants is fine. I just wanted him to play.
MTV: Did he say, “Stevie, I don’t want credit. I just want to play piano with you”?
Stevie: Uh-huh. We did…just one track. I’d never met him. He was in L.A., and I just called him up and said, “I’d like it if you came.” He said, “Yes, ma'am,” and he actually showed up, not long after, and put on this…awesome part. He’s quite amazing, actually. He picked me up at 9:00 in the morning, and we went to his house and recorded a song, and I was back at 2:30 to get on a plane. We made, like, a 45-minute drive in 20 minutes, going about 110 miles an hour.
MTV: In a little red Corvette?
Stevie: No, a black, sporty car. And the two of us aren’t miserable, either. Once we’re there, he just wrote the song, playing the piano, saying to me, “You’re writing the words.” It was amazing. Then the air conditioning broke down, and I’m sitting in front of a fan telling him, “You have to make me a cassette—I’m not going back without it.” He did, we left, and the recording studio broke down completely. But the song’s really neat. It was interesting, because it was real…disciplined. Neither of us felt like rocking and rolling at 9:00 o'clock in the morning with no air conditioning, but we just…did it, and we’re real proud of ourselves.
Stevie on the recording of ‘Stand Back’ - MTV Interview with Stevie Nicks,
170428 [FANACCOUNT] GREETING EXO @ LAX/ MEETING HAHA BY ACCIDENT AND THEN EVENTUALLY ENDING UP ON HIS INSTAGRAM POST/EXORDIUM IN L.A. EXPERIENCE
Hey guys, I’m back again for another fan account and boy was it like the best day of my life. OMG…if you don’t feel like reading all of this, I’m just going to leave some highlights for you and of course I’ll bold the most relevant parts.
ME @ LAX TO GREET EXO BECAUSE OF FANGIRL SHENANIGANS
2. “Nice try, but this is important blackmail for later down the road.”
3. “I wasn’t aiming for the police station. It just happened that there was a police station in the vicinity of where I wanted to hit a flaming tennis ball.”
4. “We get it, _____. You break stuff.”
5. “So sell me on our cool new pad.”
6. “You sleep more than anyone I know.”
7. “You know you’re going to have to learn to parallel park at some point, right?”
8. “I’m in my last year of high school. I’m practically dust.”
9. “I hope your prepared for the frequency at which I interrupt conversations to yell ‘DOG!’ to rocket waaaaay up.”
10. “Hi. Your dog’s cool.”
11. “I’ve got to get my hands on a cup of the ol’ bean juice, or I’m going to be useless all day.”
12. “Why would I go somewhere else and drink coffee on a couch when I could just drink better coffee at home on my own couch and not have to make awkward eye contact with people?”
13. “I can’t meet new people if I always stay inside and also don’t go outside and also don’t talk to people.”
14. “I’m working on a new banana bread recipe, and I need help coming up with a name for it.”
15. “I wanted to say ‘baby’ because I thought it would sound cool, but once I said it I realized that it just doesn’t sound good coming out of my mouth, and maybe I should just leave saying ‘baby’ to the professionals.”
16. “That was the smoothest recovery I have ever seen. I should be taking notes.”
17. “Well, okay. We’re just gonna set this plate down on the ground real gentle and then back away slowly, right _____?”
18. “Are you… babysitting?”
19. “You jog daily? I jog… yearly. On January 1st. When I promise myself I’m going to jog daily for the rest of the year but give up after 30 minutes and just walk home.”
20. “You need me out of the way because I’m painfully uncool?”
21. “….You’re kidding about doing drugs and crime, right?”
22. “You like shots?”
23. “Aw, man. I was kind of hoping you’d got kidnapped and I was gonna have to come rescue you.”
24. “Okay, wise guy, are you going to help me or not?”
25. “So, did you have fun gossiping about me?”
26. “Just… I want you to know that you can talk to me about anything.”
27. “Let’s eat something disgusting for dinner!”
28. “What are you in the mood for? Bread dipped in sugar, bread dipped in cheese, or do you just want me to inject some fat directly into your bloodstream?”
29. “Can you explain memes to me?”
30. “I’ll probably end up standing uncomfortably in the corner with a plate of food and hoping that nobody talks to me.”
31. “Ugh, I don’t want to have to make friends.”
32. “Go. Do it. Make a friend.”
33. “I have a good feeling about this place.”
34. “I know the guy at the door. I’ll get in no problem.”
35. [text]: _____, please text me and let me know you’re okay.
36. “Why didn’t you answer my texts?”
37. “You really scared me. Just… please don’t do that again.”
So now that it’s been almost three months and I’ve calmed down about it (because it was embarrassing), lemme tell you guys about what happened April 7th, 2017.
My university publishes a creative journal every year full of short stories, poetry, and visual art. My submission actually got accepted, and several weeks prior to the “release party” I ran into the editor in the English department office. Now I thought he asked me if I was going to said party, to which I instantly replied, “Yes!”
But due to a 1-second brain delay, I realized he actually asked, “Are you going to read at the party?”
And it was too late. I was added to the scheduled readings.
Thankfully, my piece was super short, so I knew that people weren’t going to be staring at me for long. However, if people are going to be staring at me for any length of time, I want my face normally terrible face to look immaculate, and I have zero confidence in my current make-up abilities.
I went to Sephora, a little nervous about the upcoming reading and about sitting there while a stranger messes with my face, but nothing overly serious. (I am no stranger to panic attacks.) Make-up application began as normal.
And then, suddenly, I was tired. About-to-fall-asleep-in-my-chair tired. And keeping my eyes closed was not helpful. It was very concerning, but I told myself to power through (though, I do remember lightly smacking my face when she walked away to look for something.)
Then… my throat got dry. Uncomfortably dry. I-haven’t-had-water-in-two-days dry.
I opened my eyes and asked if there was any way I could get some water. As I did so, I noticed vision was not okay.
My helpful makeup artist got on her headset and asked her coworkers if I can get some water in the back. “Are you alright?” she asked.
“Yes,” I said. “I think I just need some water.” I stood up.
Standing up was a mistake.
Now, I suffer from chronic migraines and various other headaches. I have become pretty good at figuring out why my head feels weird. I have had it all. Sometimes it means I haven’t had enough protein that day. Sometimes it means I’m getting dehydrated. Sometimes it means my period is about to start. My junior year of high school I had a TMJ related headache that lasted six months. I had a debilitating, nauseating migraine two years ago that last at least two months. In short, I am no stranger to “weird-head-feelings.”
But this was new.
I managed to follow her from the front of the store to the center… before I somehow fell backward and right on my ass. I was down.
My last thought before collapsing in complete unconsciousness was, “…I’m just gonna let her carry me back there.”
Because she fucking did.
This beautiful, powerful Sephora goddess literally picked me up, tucked me under one arm, and dragged me into the back room.
I came to on the floor with a black sweatshirt tucked behind my head and about four Sephora employees looming over me.
“She’s waking up now. She’s waking up.”
“Sweetheart, did you eat today?”
I did. I ate two Sonic corn dogs no more than an hour before. “Yes.”
“Do you need an ambulance?”
I realized that the one woman who’s talking to someone on her phone is in fact on the phone with 911. “…No?” Because for some reason after falling unconscious I honestly felt 100% okay??
Thankfully, she canceled the ambulance. “Do you have any family we can call to come get you?”
No, all of my family lives out of state, but I have a best friend/roommate. “ANNIE,” I replied with little explanation. Someone handed me my purse, and I fished out my phone to hand them her contact info.
I managed to gather my bearings, and as I thoroughly enjoyed the cup of water and peppermint they got me, I apologized profusely to my powerful Sephora goddess.
“It’s okay!” she reassured. “You aren’t the first client that’s passed out on me. Did you want me to finish your makeup?”
And she did. And then @solusandsolas and @lavellan-ofthe-dalish picked me up. (And they informed me that what felt like maybe 30 seconds of unconsciousness had in fact been several minutes.) And I ended up being 20 minutes late to the party, but due to the circumstances, I was not forced to read to the crowd.
tl;rd Sephora employees are wonderful, kind, considerate angels who know how to handle medical emergencies TREAT THEM WITH RESPECT
November? How? Already? *sigh* But, yes, it is November already. Today is a rest day for me buy I’m joining in on @fatgirlgetsfitatlast #MoveitNov challenge this month. 20 extra minutes each day. I really enjoyed the #Octobermile challenge @swimmingtofrance did last month. It made me mindful of moving just a little bit more so I’d like to keep that going.
This is the time of year that my body likes to remind me of my previous injuries. It tightens down and I feel more stiff. I hope that one day I can be free from that, but this is how it is right now. Making sure I’m moving throughout the day helps tremendously so that’s the plan. Today was 30 minutes on the treadmill and some yoga.
It’s been 2 weeks since a small monster appeared in our house (well, 2 weeks and 4 days). And I will not hide, I’m very exhausted. Remember, I was getting sleepy during pregnancy? So its now almost none at all. I should have enjoyed those days when I could sleep at least 3 hours.
But it’s worth it! Henry makes us happy every minute like a sunbeam. How can not not smile when he is sleeping so sweetly? And how can not be happy when Henry is sleeping, and mommy finally got time to at least make a neat hairstyle? Oh, what am I saying? Just kidding. I love this little bean :)
His regime is almost like that of a normal newborn: sleeps, eats, sleeps, eats. We have walks every day, for 20-30 minutes though. Oh, I did not even say that he had his first walk! But yes, since he is already 2 weeks old, we were able to get a walk. We mostly walk in the park, not very far from our house. It’s so quiet and beautiful! An ideal place to enjoy the beauty of nature.
But I’ll tell you more about his regime. He sleeps well, wakes up every 2 hours to get milk (at night more often though). My milk is enough, I’m exclusively breastfeeding for now, not a bottles, because there is not even a need even..
I can always talk about how beautiful and sweet he is! By the way, his siblings love him very much, too. Grace, like Mary now, is very interested in him. She always wants to help, bring something (diaper, pacifier). She’s so small, but a so helper!
I hope to publish more pictures soon, as soon as I get the opportunity.
i just worked for around 20 hours straight finishing the layout and formatting for my school paper!! i havent slept in like 30 hours now??? I’m gonna go home and take a nap and then go to a dnd halloween party because ive been looking forward to it this ENTIRE WEEK
anyway, i did a little cartoon to put next to my editorial for this issue saying happy halloween to my school (edcc), and i realized i scribbled it up in 10 minutes as a filler but its actually gonna be my first legit published piece of art ever QoQ
its gonna be in black and white in the newspaper but i went ahead and colored it in anyway cuz i liked it!
i think i'm a fucking GCF junkie now. i've watched the video like 5 times in a row when it was released. since then i rewatched it probably 20-30 times more. and i'm like "okay i'm done with this, time to move on" and in an hour after that i feel the NEED to rewatch it again. jungkook what have you done someone send me help pls
i legit just watched it like 2 minutes ago. like, i just automatically watched it when i went into youtube without thinking. like it’s just SUCH A WELL MADE VIDEO. LIKE, I WILL NEVER SHUT UP ABOUT HOW AMAZING JK DID WITH THE EDITING. OKAY. JUNGKOOK YOU TALENTED BOY.
“Oh I don’t know, ‘Hey, I saw you looking at me three times now and yes, I do want to fuck.’ Easy peezy!”
“HAHA! Oh my gosh! I’m not a hoe!”
“Well that dress says something different,” she winked at me.
“You’re a mess!”
“Yeah, well. Oh come on! You’re finally feeling better and it’s been almost a month since you broke up with Derek! You deserve to have fun! Look! You’re not even drinking! Like what?! Maybe if you had some liquid courage, you would grow a pair and go talk to him!”
“I’m not drinking because I don’t want to make myself throw up again. I just stopped doing that, I don’t want it to come back. And I’m having plenty fun with my Sprite and cranberry juice mix, thank you very much! D, I told you when you dragged me out that it was going to be a chill night.”
“And it will be a chill night. You’ll just be chilling naked in his bed.” I laughed at how pushy she was being. But she was right, I do deserve fun. I’m sure Derek was “having fun” with the whole female population of Los Angeles. Lord only knows how many other cities he plowed through while we were togeth- you know what, let me stop thinking about him.
“Alright, fine!” I said finally giving in to her.
“YAY! OOP, too late,” she said looking behind me.
“What do you mean?”
“He’s coming to you,” she said trying not to look at him, but failing.
“WHAT? Well shit, do I look okay?”
“You look great. Just relax.” I haven’t done this since Derek and I got together.
“Excuse me? I just wanted to say that you both look extremely beautiful this evening.”
“Why thank you, kind sir. Wow, a gentlemen and completely gorgeous? Girl if you don’t go home with him then I will,” she said partly to him, but mostly to me. I was only half listening because he was so mesmerizing and I just couldn’t stop smiling at him.
“Well, I’m Delany and this is Y/N. And your name is?”
“Nice to meet you ladies, I’m Alex,” he said as he shook her hand, but kissed the back of mine.
“Well, that’s my cue to go get another drink. Play nice you two.” With that, she shot me a wink and left to the bar.
“So, what brings you out tonight, Y/N?” God, I loved the way he said my name.
“Um, she did,” I said pointing to Delany.
“She seems like a good friend. You two live together?”
“She is and yes we do.”
“So what prompted that?”
“I used to be in a relationship her brother.” I don’t know why I’m telling him all of this, but whatever.
“You still think about him?”
“Sometimes, but I really want to, no scratch that. I NEED to forget about him, but I found that to be difficult living with his sister and all.”
“Well maybe I can help you forget.” I’d like to thank not only God, but Jesus for giving me this opportunity, because the rest of that night was HEAVENLY!
“Thanks for the ride and the amazing night.”
“My pleasure, no pun intended. It was nice to meet you, Y/N.”
“You too, Alex.”
I got out of the car and went to unlock the front door. I turned around and gave him one last wave before heading inside. I really hope Delany is awake so I can bow down to her for encouraging me to go home with Alex.
I walked further into the house and quickly realized that she was still asleep. Instead of waking her, I decided to run upstairs and shower before doing anything else. I got out and I heard clanking downstairs and knew Delany was up and cooking breakfast. I finished what I was doing and headed downstairs.
“Well, if it isn’t Miss ‘I’m not a hoe.” Did you have fun last night?” she asked me while she started to put the bacon in the hot pan.
“It was absolutely fantastic! Thank you for getting me out and forcing me to have a good time, haha.”
“Of course! I’m glad you had fun. Breakfast should be ready in 15.”
“Okay! Sounds goo-” Shit not again! I quickly ran to the downstairs bathroom and kneeled in front of the toilet while I emptied out the contents of my stomach.
“Shit! Y/N are you okay?” I heard Delany say as she reached the bathroom. I sat back on my heels and sighed as I closed the toilet and flushed.
“I don’t know. I thought this was some 48 hour stomach flu, but it might be a 7 day one. It smells great, but the bacon just made my stomach churn, clearly.”
“We should take you to the doctor. I mean you’ve lost a lot of weight from this vomiting. It can’t be healthy.”
“No you’re right. The Urgent Care opened like 2 hours ago. You wanna leave in 20 minutes?”
“Yeah, breakfast can wait. You should probably go on an empty stomach anyway.”
“Yeah. Wait, did you leave the bacon on the stove?”
“No, haha. I took it off. I’ll put covers on everything and then I’m pretty much ready to go.”
I sighed, “Okay. Give me a few.” She gave me a nod and went back to the kitchen.
*45 Minutes later*
“Y/N? Y/N Y/L/N?”
“Guess that’s me. I’ll be back.”
“Okay, good luck.”
*30 Minutes Later*
I walked back in the waiting room and walked towards Delany.
“Hey! So which drugstore do we have to go to for your prescription?” she asked as she stood up to leave.
“What? Why would we go to Derek’s house?”
“Oh my…god. Okay, let’s get in the car.”
“Yeah.” We drove the 15 minute to Derek’s house and the whole time I was trying to figure out ways to tell him I’m pregnant with his child.
“Wait, how did you not notice your period was late?”
“I just thought the stress threw off my cycle. I don’t see how I didn’t notice the excessive vomiting.”
“Don’t worry, I didn’t think of this as a possibility either. Have you thought about what you’re going to say?”
“Kind of, but I know it’s going to be different once I actually see him. I hate to blindside with this, but he needs to know.”
“Yeah, I agree. I got your back no matter what happens. You know that, right?”
“Of course I do. Thank you for being my best friend.”
We finally pulled up to his house and my stomach pretty much fell out of my ass. Fuck, don’t be a pussy. Grow a pair and just tell him. I knocked on the door and was met with the brown eyes I haven’t seen in almost a month.
“Hi,” I said breaking the awkward silence.
“Hey. What are you doing here?” he asked me kind of dumbfounded.
“I need to talk to you. Can I come in?”
“Uh, yeah, sure. So, whats up?”
“Look, I don’t know how to tell you this, so I’m just going to say it. I’m pregnant. And yes it’s yours.” He looked at me like I was crazy, but not upset.
“I really hate to ask, but how do you know it’s mine?”
“Because the only person I’ve slept with since we broke up was last night. That’s how I know, Derek.”
“Oh okay. Well, what do we do here? We’re not together and you hate me. How are we going to raise this baby?”
“I don’t know. I just found out half an hour ago that I was pregnant. I haven’t really had time to go over the rest of my life.” I started to cry.
He let out a heavy sigh, “Y/N, we are going to be fine. You know that right?”
“I want to know that, but where do we even start with raising a baby that was completely unplanned?”
“I want you to move back in here.”
“What? Are you insane? Why would I do that?” I couldn’t help but let out a little laugh while I said that.
“Could you put your pride and your hatred for me aside and look at where we are for 5 fucking seconds?”
“You don’t get to talk to me like that! This predicament would’ve been 10x better if you had just kept for fucking dick in your pants! Do you really think I want to live here, big and pregnant, while you go off and dick down whoever? Or even worse, stuck here raising OUR child alone? Not knowing when the fuck you’re coming home? No thanks, Derek! You stay a bachelor and get high, screw around and make your music. This baby and I will stay at your sister’s.”
“You think that’s what I’ve been doing since you left? Yeah I got high and drunk to deal with the pain of me losing you. I tried to make my music, but I couldn’t fucking concentrate because my muse was gone. What I just said will never justify what I have done, but you have to know that I am so sorry and that I have loved you all this time.”
“Then why did you do it? Why did you destroy me like that?”
“I was fucking selfish. I gave into all the girls and lost sight of what I had. I want us back. I want this baby. I want my family,” he said crying. I looked at him not knowing if I could fully trust him or not.
“Listen, I love you too, but you killed me. I can’t let you do that to our baby. So, for now, I’m staying with your sister, but we can work on us.” He looked at me and kissed me with so much fucking love. Shit, what am I getting myself into?
*5 months later*
I finally moved back in with Derek and I can tell that what he said to me 5 months ago was true. I have my doubts, but I have to trust him.
“Can you believe we’re having a girl, Y/N?”
“No! I still can’t believe we’re having a baby! We only have four more months and I think we have enough stuff for her to last her until she’s at least 3, haha.”
“Our families just want to make sure we are set.”
“I know, and I couldn’t be more grateful. Is really happening?”
“Yeah, and we are beyond ready,” he reassured me.
*3 ½ Months Later*
*17 Hours Later*
“You did so good, Y/N! Look at her! She’s so tiny. I helped make her?”
“Yes, Baby. She’s ours. She’s finally ours.” I saw him as he looked at her like nothing else existed. “Here, hold her.”
“Hi, Jennifer. I’m your daddy and I love you and your beautiful mommy more than life itself.”
I looked at my family in pure awe. I shouldn’t have cheated and I’m glad I never did because if I had, we wouldn’t be here right now. In this perfect life. With my perfect family.
I’ve always toyed with the idea of keeping a journal to splay out my thoughts and keep a record of the strange and often scary things that run through my head in times of stress. I’ve also heard that it could be a good way to relieve some of that stress, and as anyone that’s been in my position can attest, the first week of college is fucking stressful.
Now, I’ve dreaded this for a long time. Not because the concept of higher education put me off, or because I secretly didn’t want to do it, or because I thought college was a waste of time. No, it’s because of the drive. I have a crippling fear of driving, which I may do another entry about later. In short, being behind a wheel makes me panic like a Spider-Man UE4 developer trapped in a room with a Marvel Executive and a lawyer. Something about driving gives me this feeling that the whole world is out to get me and every time someone goes around me because they think I’m not going fast enough or they honk at me for waiting too long to go when the light turns green all makes me want to climb out of my skin and leave this planet and go live on Mars in a hut with good wi-fi. (this isn’t stream of consciousness is it? Oh, I guess it is now.)
Anyway, the drive to school is 45 - 50 minutes long. A 10 minute drive to pick up my friend Josh from his apartment stresses me out, and as you an imagine, the drive to school is 4.5 - 5x worse than that. The first day of driving there alone came, my mother being busy with prior engagements at work and my father being lazy. I thought I’d use my GPS to get there, but google decided that instead of a straight path down the highway, I should get onto the highway, get off of it, get onto a different highway, and then eventually merge onto the one I was already on. This all being uncharted territory for me, I went along with it and added way too many extra steps to my commute.
The first day on Monday was rather easy, being that it lasted 2 hours. Apparently the school had assigned me a schedule to go there on Mondays and Wednesdays every week, but then mysteriously altered it to Tuesdays and Thursdays without notifying me. The teacher in the first class spent the usual 2 hours rambling about safety procedures and reading from a syllabus. Though I figured something was wrong when he did the “what the fuck is everyone’s names” thing and said I didn’t appear on his class list. Class ended and I wandered to the front office to ask about it and discovered the mix up.
This is the point where I considered something drastic and violent, because I had driven to the school one extra time than I needed to for the week and gas was expensive. I opted to make this day at least somewhat productive by making a short jaunt across campus and getting some financial aid paperwork to fill out at the main building of the school. This meant wading through the crowd of people all staring directly up at the sky with what looked like 3-D glasses from Sharkboy and Lava Girl. As much as I wanted to sit back and gawk with them at the cosmic ballet of a solar eclipse, I had things to get done. So I spent the majority of said eclipse in a waiting room as the student help desk thing ignored my request for a form that was in a basket two feet away from where the guy was fucking sitting I could just go back there and get it why do I have to wait this is fucking stupid I hate everything. Thankfully though I walked out with the form and got to see the eclipse at its peak with some of those 80s bully glasses they were handing out.
Tuesday was boring. All we did was look through the syllabus AGAIN, but this time with a different teacher and a different set of students and it lasted the full day instead of one class. My rampant insomnia had kept me up until 3 AM the night before, which I consider impressive for myself seeing as how I saw the sunrise every day of summer. This led me to making some tweets to mock the situation and of course people immediately couldn’t tell when I was trying to be silly. I got a mixed bag of encouraging messages from fans that wanted me to succeed and several crazy people ranting about how I should get my money back and quit college because they had a bad experience with a completely different type of college in a different state. And as we all know, if someone has a bad experience or dislikes something, EVERYONE ELSE should disregard its existence forever under their advice.
The highlight of Tuesday was a moment where I made a genuine connection with one of my teachers. He was a young guy, maybe in his early 20s, who had been editing since 2009 and graduated from the school, only to realize that he loved Post-Production enough to teach it between professional editing jobs. At one point he tried to demonstrate to a half asleep class that they should have a watchful eye for editing choices in other people’s projects to avoid their mistakes and emulate their strengths. Thus, he showed us the short film he had edited during his time in the class. It was some short that had premiered at our state’s film festival, chronicling the plight of an overworked steel-mill employee that began an unhealthy competition with him to receive a promotion and make his family proud. Then he murders his friend by pouring lava on him and making it look like a random industrial accident. The teacher began rolling through it and pointing out his own mistakes as an editor in the film. An act of humility that I found refreshing after going to high school and answering to a faculty of self absorbed assholes that became teachers to feel like they were important. He explained how he made continuity mistakes with a character placing his hand on his face in one shot, then in the next shot removing the opposite hand. Mistakes such as this drive people in the industry fucking crazy because they’re trained to look for it, but none of the students noticed the goof. Myself included. That was when he started briefly describing the scene with the lava and I derailed the whole flow of the class.
I asked him more questions about how he did such an impressive visual effect and I genuinely feel like it made his day that I was so fascinated. He gave up on talking about the syllabus and instead talked with me about the process. Apparently they had gone out to the back of the school and placed a black felt mat behind a mannequin and then poured green paint on it. Then he rotoscoped the footage to show only the green paint, which he then digitally altered to have the texture and glow of molten steel. He then placed this footage over the actor in the scene, who simply just fell down on the set because real lava is expensive, and lined up the way it poured over the mannequin with the way it would have theoretically landed on the actor. Having seen a lot of visual effects tutorials or watching the behind the scenes videos for Dragon Ball Z abridged, I knew almost all of the terminology he had thrown my way and I kept up in the conversation rather nicely. I don’t know how the other students felt about it considering it was just them watching two guys geek out over special effects, but frankly I didn’t (and still don’t) give a shit. It was fun. This was followed by a drive home where the GPS told me to get onto the highway, then off of it, then under it, then over it, then onto it again. Suffice to say, driving was not fun that day and I got home with my hands shaking and my legs numb and my ass sore from sitting for 56 minutes.
Thursday started with… well today is Thursday. But today started with me wanting to procrastinate getting out of bed, so against my better judgment I set my alarm clock forward an extra 20 minutes after it rang the first time. I laid in bed with my eyes closed and my heart pumping through the back of my spine at the thought of driving. I didn’t even sleep for that 20 minutes. I just waited. Thinking. Panicking. After that I took a shower for 30 minutes like an idiot. Starving African children could have eaten all that water I wasted. Then I got into the car, turned on the GPS and it said that the drive would last 55 minutes because traffic was so heavy on the highway. Class began in one hour. It offered an alternate route where I did the same bullshit gymnastics of getting off and on the highway 6 times, but I decided that I had the path memorized a certain way and I was going to stick to it. So I disregarded the antiquated GPS and just drove there from memory with about 8 minutes to spare before class started. I had a decent amount of sleep the night before and I was on time and the drive was easy. It seemed like things were off to a good start. Then things started becoming more clear.
The teacher in my Production 1 class seemed different from other teachers in some way that I couldn’t quite place. But today in seeing him run through a Powerpoint on the basics of shot composition, the rule of thirds, shot types, etc. I figured out what was off. He wasn’t a teacher. He had no degree for it. He as just some guy who, much like everyone else teaching here, was a student with a passion for film who started passing his knowledge to a new generation. It didn’t feel like I was being talked down to, it felt like I was being talked to. It felt like he was just some nice guy, maybe even a friend, trying his damnedest to explain how this stuff works. And then I realized something funny on top of that. I already knew everything he was explaining because I had studied this stuff in my free time since I was 9 years old. I think the only new information I received that I hadn’t picked up from documentaries, books, or YouTube movie reviews, was the technical aspects of these fancy 4k cameras and special tripods they wheeled in from the back room. Sure I was as lost as everyone else when it came to the equipment, but the mechanics of shooting a scene, the methods of writing, the terminology of camera movements– all of it I already knew.
The rest of the day after felt like something new. I felt like I was somewhere I gave a shit about what I was being told. After 8 years of drifting through school and feeling bored out of my mind (as well as some unhealthy levels contempt for my middle and high school’s respective staffs) I felt something bizarre. Caring. It was stuff I thought was cool. I was being taught stuff I’d probably be trying to figure out at home anyway if I wasn’t at the school. At long last, there was a sense of purpose.
The Post-Production class was filled with editing terminology I wasn’t familiar with like the L-Cut, the J-Cut, Picture Lock and a few others. But I knew how to DO all of these things. I had already done them in my free time on YouTube projects. I finally had names for these processes I had self taught in my last 2 years of pursuing this strange potential career path. Things were starting to make sense and once again, the post production teacher and I ended up just talking about random technical stuff while the class probably rolled their eyes. He was barely older than me by a few years and he clearly shared a lot of my opinions and favored techniques for these things. I never expected that the first friend I’d make would be one of the teachers, especially given my history with authority.
After that in my script analysis class I think I surprised the professor. He asked a question and I answered in a way that caused him to stutter and rethink his next words. I think I inadvertently stole his thunder a little by teaching the class a bit of film history that he wanted to tell. We were discussing types of characters and their levels of effectiveness with an audience. He asked “Why do you think the anti-hero become so popular in the 70s?” and I told him “because we had just gotten through Vietnam. In times of war, morals become more gray. Soldiers sometimes have to make tough decisions and do bad things for a good cause, Vietnam especially. When good and bad started to fade together in people’s minds it became easy for that to bleed into the writing at the time and you have more characters reflecting society’s feelings.”
He seemed impressed and annoyed at the same time as he said “that’s exactly right, yes.” But he continued on and I kept quiet the rest of the class. I’m sure he had characters in mind like Paul Kersey or Alex in Clockwork Orange. The entire time I rambled my psuedo-intellectual answer, all I had in mind was the Punisher. I was worried I’d end up sounding like an obnoxious know-it-all-teacher’s-pet asshole like Peter Parker in that new cartoon if I had kept going. It still felt nice to be right for once. Instead of being the bored/depressed kid in the back of the class praying for either death or the bell to ring, I was the smart one that was engaged and smiling. In fact, I started becoming self conscious and hyper-aware of it, but all day I think I was the only that just couldn’t stop… smiling.
The drive home was better. I had finally figured out the most simple path and I just went for it. I disregarded the GPS and its dumbshit advice. Sure I spent 25 minutes of the trip in grid-lock dead stopped traffic, but I felt in control. I felt like I was confident in my ability to find my way home. I didn’t mind how slow it went because I knew that everyone on the road was in the same boat as me. And the slower you drive, the less likely you are to fly at the windshield if you clip a concrete divider. So I sat and talked to myself on the way home, cracking jokes back and forth with the voice in my head whom I’ve affectionately named “Co-Pilot” and I had an okay time. I got home and realized that everything was going to be okay. I kind of wanted to cry. I also kind of wanted to laugh.
It felt like all these years of worrying about the inevitability of college and the dangerous commute just came off my shoulders. I felt like a boulder was lifted off my chest and I could breathe again. Now I know why I wanted so badly to go to this place for all these years. Its where I belong. And while it will certainly get a little stressful in the coming months to meet deadlines and collaborate with other creatives, its all the kind of stress I have spent the last years growing accustomed to by doing over the internet. Its not the stress of feeling stupid because I struggled so hard in my math class. Its just the same kind of hassle I’ve had to deal with already by virtue of being an artist. Its the kind of hassled I want to deal with because I know when the final product came out, it was all worth it. Feeling dumb in math class all these years to learn something arbitrary wasn’t worth it. This all feels right. Like I’m Jerry at a daycare for other Jerrys while Rick and Morty go off on adventures. This place was made for me. So yes, an art school is fucking worth my money because I’d rather feel what I’m feeling right now than be some 19 year old working in McDonald’s during the day and feeling hollow inside because I can’t express myself creatively. I hate that shit.
This isn’t going to be easy, and there might be parts of it that suck. There might be parts of it that drive me to tears and anger, but it’s worth it. I finally found a place where I belong and that I love. Love isn’t easy. Its a lot of tiny problems to solve one by one to make a thing work in the long term. That’s okay. I’m prepared for that and there’s nothing else I’d rather be doing. For just once. I’m feeling okay. And that feels kind of amazing.
We have spoke a few times, usually me seeking advice. I tried to be friendly also but I was kind of afraid of you and our conversations seemed one sided so I stopped bothering you but I felt really bad earlier reading your ask and you mentioned people just taking and leaving cause I feel like I've done that to you but I was just infatuated and afraid /.\
its a common misconception really that I am somehow not interested in conversation and such… and many people find it hard to talk to me.
This is because of a lot of reasons. I am naturally apprehensive and paranoid. I am untrusting of most people because there are so many selfish and abusive people out there. Most people just want what they want… or they want me and come at me from every angle in a ploy to just get to me. Its exhausting and causes one to become reclusive and short armed with people.
Every time I get a message in my pm…. I immediately begin to analyze the persons intentions and generally begin at zero to work to 100, instead of the other way around. I hate that its this way. its miserable… and it causes me to be more alone in the long run.
I get anywhere from 20 to 30 new pm’s per day.
being my friend means being aggressive while not feeling like you are burdening me. There are people in my pm’s right now who, if i go more than 10 minutes without a response.. assume the worst and that i hate them and they did wrong and whatever other irrational thing they can conceive.
past traumas and abuses are the burden on me… not the person. because they make people behave in ways they should. unwarranted ways that manifest themselves into conversations with me. I end up suffering because of someone elses lack of tact and propensity to cause damage.
Its one of the reasons I conduct myself in the way I do.
its why i try to make thoughtful and well detailed responses to asks…
its why i work patiently and with slow hands with people..
its why i live in a no judgment zone.
its why i dont ask for nudes or sex or anything else..
its why I seem so stand offish and intimidating.
Yes I conduct myself with extreme restraint. with extreme discipline. with an extreme amount of caution. I also have a life away from the screen, but people tend to only see me as a screen as if tumblr is my full time job and nothing else ever happens to me.
I am just trying to provide a safe educational space for people in my community to come together and feel ok and relaxed and what not with themselves. But its hard when everyone tugs and pulls and claws from every angle and side.. and then they get offended when i dont communicate according to their expectations.
I seem like this huge brick wall of stoicism and strength… but a lot of days, I am hunched over and hurting from what I have ended up creating here. Because people never take the time to actually understand the real you. they see the you that they have manufactured from pictures and responses and such…
I have been extremely transparent about my problems.. my pain.. my issues and roadblocks. I have been honest and up front about how I mess up and fail… I have been extremely humble a large portion of the time with asks and pm’s and all of the adoration I get… but despite it all I still get vitriol. I still get accused. I still get ignorant opinions and jabs at who I am from people who dont take the time to pay attention…
But I continue anyways… for those that do.. while doing my best to shake the knives out of my back and push the ignorant barking to the side and carry on as a beacon of hope and positive forward motion.