i did it for love

After Watching Star Wars: The Last Jedi

┏┓

┃┃╱╲ In this

┃╱╱╲╲ house

╱╱╭╮╲╲ we love

▔▏┗┛▕▔ & appreciate

╱▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔╲

Rose Tico

╱╱┏┳┓╭╮┏┳┓ ╲╲

▔▏┗┻┛┃┃┗┻┛▕▔

Angel

Day 16 for @thexmasfileschallenge: angel. Tagging @today-in-fic

Set sometime in season 9. 

In the end she always ends up back in the car. William, his face hot and red, his voice hoarse, lets himself be strapped into his car seat without fuss. This, she thinks bitterly and with a pocket full of guilt, is all he wanted in the first place. She takes off his hat, smoothes down the soft tuft of hair. It’s been getting darker lately; it’s more auburn than red now. Here in the car, in the middle of the night, it looks even darker. As dark as his father’s hair. She checks that his seatbelt is fastened and then she closes the door.

Scully gets in the driver’s seat and her trembling hand inserts the key into the ignition. She rubs her eyes, sighs. In the backseat, William starts babbling; he wants her to start the car, start driving. His impatience is nothing new, but her nerves are bared raw and he’s playing them like a string instrument. She turns on the radio and the car is filled with quiet Christmas music. As soon as the engine comes on, William rejoices. It should make her happy, shouldn’t it? He’s squealing and giggling, kicking his tiny feet and gesticulating with his hands. But Scully feels numb. Her hands on the wheel are cold, grip too tightly. Her eyes burn in exhaustion.  

She can’t do this. It’s been six months and she doesn’t know how to do this; be a mother, an agent and a woman. Scully glances in the rearview mirror. William is relaxed, his eyes concentrated on the passing lights outside. He is like you, Scully thinks. Just like you, Mulder. Lately she’s been doing this; talking to him in her head as if he could hear her wherever he is. Sometimes, when she’s been driving for a while, she thinks she can hear him, too. If he were here, he’d be driving. He’d be telling William a story, making strange noises, trying to make him a believer. Scully’d be here, too, in the passenger seat, listening with a small smile on her face. Like William she’d lean her head against the window, let Mulder’s voice and the gentle rhythm of the car lull her to sleep. It’s a nice dream, but that’s all it is. It bursts before her eyes and she stares straight ahead into the thick darkness, her eyes filling with tears that she blinks away. She can’t do this, it’s as simple as that. Another glance in the rearview mirror; William’s mouth is open, his eyes are closed. It works every time. Logically, Scully knows that it’s just the rocking motion of the car. But it feels like so much more. She’s spent a lifetime in cars; a lifetime on wheels with Mulder. It’s felt like a home sometimes, then a prison. When Monica drove her to Georgia to deliver William, a safe place. Once, years ago, she wanted Mulder to get out of the car. Just to get out, have a life. She realized later, almost too late, that it was a life; their life. 

When she speaks to Mulder in her mind, she tells him everything about William. The way he scrunches his nose when he is thinking hard about something. How her mother had professional pictures made and one sent out to Bill. Her brother, calling her that night, had commented on the boy’s red hair with pride. Then, after a pause, through gritted teeth, told her how the baby looked exactly like Mulder. But she tells him all of it, this imagined, absent Mulder. How she hasn’t been sleeping. How William, sleepless and restless, keeps her awake at night. She tells him about the way she misses him in her life as if she were missing a vital part of herself. She can’t sleep, she can’t think. And now… she is not sure she can go on. 

I need you, Mulder. The thought presses forward, hammers against her temple like a migraine. I cannot do this without you. She hits her palm against the wheel. Does it again, and again, and again. The car swerves and she barely notices. 

“You left us.” She whispers into the darkness, giving her feelings a voice for once. She checks on William and he is fast asleep, breathing deeply. Scully’s eyes burn, exhausting mingling with angry tears, and she presses her knuckles against them until she sees stars.

“It’s Christmas, Mulder.” She says to the emptiness. “You said you’d be back before Christmas.” There is no answer, only William’s soft snoring and the overenthusiastic Christmas tunes on the radio. She is quiet, holds her breath and waits. For what? She thinks to herself, the taste of it bitter. Mulder can’t hear her, can’t answer her.

They’re almost home when Scully stops a red light. Her eyes are heavy; keeping them open is getting more difficult. They move around dizzily until they land on an angel. Not a real angel, no. Christmas decoration, Scully reminds her tired mind. But she can’t take her eyes off the white and blue glowing figure. She is so mesmerized by it that she doesn’t notice the light flickering at first. She stares at it long and hard, her mind counting absent-mindedly. Morse code, she thinks, but it can’t be. Just a flickering light. Just some malfunction and yet… she lets her eyes listen, her desperate mind reach out. Miss you, she reads. Love you, she chokes. Home soon, she cries before the light dies; there is no message, nothing. Just an angel made out of plastic and light, false hope in an endlessly dark night. In the back, William sighs happily. At least I have you, baby boy. She glances at the angel again, waits five long seconds, but the traffic light is faster and jumps to green. Scully drives home, her mind quiet, her heart heavy. She is not sure she can do this, can go on like this. But damn it if she won’t try again tomorrow.

This one time when we were children, he transformed himself into a snake, and he knows I love snakes. So I went to pick up the snake to admire it, and he transformed back into himself and was like, “YARGH, IT’S ME!!!” and he stabbed me. We were eight at the time.
— 

Thor, about Loki (Thor: Ragnarok)

Bonus:

The actual track names of reputation

1. *Clears throat*

2. BIG REPUTATION!! BIG REPUTATION!!

3. HAHDIDIDIDIDIDIDI DUH DUH JAH JAH

4. The note at 3:08

5. Isn’t it? Isn’t it? Isn’t it? Isn’t it?

6. *CLAP CLAP*

7. one, two, three

8. *DING*

9. go, gO, GO!!!

10. jag-you-ares

11. the beat in the chorus

12. aah aah aah

13. *cackle*

14. the dolphin body roll song

15. the notes trailing off

today's video
  • jack, while being "a little drunk": i am just a little drunk. it's not hitting me that hard aha, i am jus a lil drunk aha donut worry aha :D
  • jack, while being "a little drunk": don't trust ANYONE with TWO first names, don't trust anY-
  • jack, while being more than "a little" drunk: *gets questions right* I AM A SMART BOI, I WENT TO COLLEGE TWICE *gets next question wrong* ah fuckk
  • jack, drunk: i failed the world's easiest quiz, i'd like to thank my mom, the academy-