What did I miss? Why is do-me-carisi gone? I hadn't seen any new posts in awhile and thought you were just on hiatus until the new season :(
Well, the short story is that I deleted the blog because it wasn’t a source of joy anymore.
The long (intensely personal) story is that I fell into fandom during one of the worst depressive episodes of my life. To me, SVU was like a security blanket that was comfortable and lived-in, that I could always come back to. And during this particularly acute episode, with loneliness and emptiness threatening to kill me, I sought out other fans online. I was simply looking for a distraction and possibly a way to connect with other people.
And at first, it worked. I started the account, and within days, felt life returning to me. In fact, I’d credit the SVU fandom with being instrumental in my recovery. I funneled my floundering creative energy into writing stories, creating edits, making gifs, and videos. I made connections with other people (many of whom I still consider close friends). For the first time in a very long time, I felt purpose-driven and excited about each day.
And then… things started to change.
The blog got out of control. What started out as a small, private corner of the internet for me to talk about cute detectives with new friends became a burden. After I hit 1k followers, then 1.5k (and so on), it got worse. It started to take more and more emotional energy to maintain. It wasn’t an escape anymore; it was an obligation. People expected new content on a daily basis. I became obsessed with notes. When I’d experiment with something new, and it wouldn’t receive the reception I had hoped for, it made me resentful. Fandom started to feel competitive. These are all embarrassing feelings to admit to, but its true. And I’m sure a lot more people feel this way, but just don’t talk about it.
I also started to feel increasingly lonely again. I noticed that some of my friends were really just hangers-on, saying whatever they thought I wanted to hear in order to curry favor. I got jaded. It wasn’t fun anymore. At this point, I had even stopped watching the show. It stressed me out too much.
And then, the hate started. At first, it was just a few rude anons. But I let them get under my skin, and the hate multiplied. I started getting harassed on twitter, on youtube, and in my inbox daily. Disgusting, homophobic messages. Taunting me for “having no life” and deciding that I must be quite pathetic and sad to devote this much time to a fandom.
All of this is to say that the hate messages weren’t the entire reason for why I closed do-me-carisi, but they came at a time when I was feeling very cynical about SVU and the fandom overall. I couldn’t see the good anymore. So, I deleted it. And yes, I instantly regretted it. Mostly because it severed my connections with a lot of people that I did enjoy interacting with. But ultimately, I do think it was the right decision.
But, after all of that… a part of me can’t stay away, which is why I’ve dabbled with a few SVU/Peter related posts here. I will certainly never be as involved as I was previously (I’ve had to set boundaries), but I’ll be around from time to time.