i deleted my other short lived blog

anonymous asked:

What did I miss? Why is do-me-carisi gone? I hadn't seen any new posts in awhile and thought you were just on hiatus until the new season :(

Well, the short story is that I deleted the blog because it wasn’t a source of joy anymore.

The long (intensely personal) story is that I fell into fandom during one of the worst depressive episodes of my life. To me, SVU was like a security blanket that was comfortable and lived-in, that I could always come back to. And during this particularly acute episode, with loneliness and emptiness threatening to kill me, I sought out other fans online. I was simply looking for a distraction and possibly a way to connect with other people. 

And at first, it worked. I started the account, and within days, felt life returning to me. In fact, I’d credit the SVU fandom with being instrumental in my recovery. I funneled my floundering creative energy into writing stories, creating edits, making gifs, and videos. I made connections with other people (many of whom I still consider close friends). For the first time in a very long time, I felt purpose-driven and excited about each day. 

And then… things started to change. 

The blog got out of control. What started out as a small, private corner of the internet for me to talk about cute detectives with new friends became a burden. After I hit 1k followers, then 1.5k (and so on), it got worse. It started to take more and more emotional energy to maintain. It wasn’t an escape anymore; it was an obligation. People expected new content on a daily basis. I became obsessed with notes. When I’d experiment with something new, and it wouldn’t receive the reception I had hoped for, it made me resentful. Fandom started to feel competitive. These are all embarrassing feelings to admit to, but its true. And I’m sure a lot more people feel this way, but just don’t talk about it. 

I also started to feel increasingly lonely again. I noticed that some of my friends were really just hangers-on, saying whatever they thought I wanted to hear in order to curry favor. I got jaded. It wasn’t fun anymore. At this point, I had even stopped watching the show. It stressed me out too much. 

And then, the hate started. At first, it was just a few rude anons. But I let them get under my skin, and the hate multiplied. I started getting harassed on twitter, on youtube, and in my inbox daily. Disgusting, homophobic messages. Taunting me for “having no life” and deciding that I must be quite pathetic and sad to devote this much time to a fandom. 

All of this is to say that the hate messages weren’t the entire reason for why I closed do-me-carisi, but they came at a time when I was feeling very cynical about SVU and the fandom overall. I couldn’t see the good anymore. So, I deleted it. And yes, I instantly regretted it. Mostly because it severed my connections with a lot of people that I did enjoy interacting with. But ultimately, I do think it was the right decision. 

But, after all of that… a part of me can’t stay away, which is why I’ve dabbled with a few SVU/Peter related posts here. I will certainly never be as involved as I was previously (I’ve had to set boundaries), but I’ll be around from time to time. 

I…I made it….I’m finally here….I MADE IT…
I’ve been on this stupid website for 6 years and here I am today thank u @taylorswift and @obama and @god
It’s been a lot of fun I’ll tell you that lmao when I first started in 2009, I was one of the only 3 Taylor Swift bogs on this website and holy shit it’s been a long journey from there. I’m thinking about how different things are now from how they were back then I’ll tell you if you had asked me when I was 16 “so you think…Taylor’s gonna follow ur blog” I’d have been like wtf lmao are you out of your literal mind??
It’s funny because when I was in my archives the other day I found all these posts where we would talk about that like “WHAT IF TAYLOR FOUND UR BLOG” and we were all like “I’d fuckin delete she can’t see the real me” but…?!?! LOOK AT US NOW LMAO
it has been an honor sharing Taylor with all of you guys these past six years (as well as all my other sometimes short-lived obsessions lmao) so I thank you all for hanging out with me on all those Friday nights I had no one else. Thank you for reblogging my things when Taylor is on, thank you for reading my writing, thank you for coming into my ask and talking to me, and most of all to the people who have been following me for years, thank you for growing up with me.
I was only fifteen when I first started (Fearless Platinum wasn’t even out yet for your reference of just how long ago that was) and now I’m 21 and I’m so completely and totally different from how I was, and yet still Taylor has remained a constant and I know she’ll be a constant for the rest of my life (even if tumblr deletes this blog for COPYRIGHT…LMAO…)