i cried when i was making this

I was making some lunch today when I dropped a bowl on the ground and the sound was enough to freak Maddison out. She cried for a good 5 minutes. I guess the fireworks are out of question tonight. 

Advice? Help!

I went to my Aunt’s house for 4th of July and she KNOWS I’m a Vegetarian. Now, she wanted to cook for all her friends (and me) so she made burgers (for them) and potatoes for me. Which made me really excited that she thought enough of me to make me something separate (and I LOVE potatoes).

Anyway, it wasn’t until after I ate them that she told me she seasoned them with bacon drippings. When she said that I wanted to die. Literally die. I had to fight back the tears in front of all her friends and I just went to the bathroom and cried. I just don’t get it! 

How could I EVER be a good VEGAN if I can’t even be a decent VEGETARIAN?! Dammit! I have been vegetarian for 8 months and I just ate part of a pig and I hate myself. Am I still even vegetarian? Do I have to start all over? 

I need help! She seriously laughed! And she was like “It’s not an actual animal!” But she doesn’t get it. And she has never done anything to betray my trust before. EVER. 

I really need a support group. I want to be vegan so bad. I don’t want this to be an excuse. But how can I do it when I can’t even be a good vegetarian?

Mom, I created a blog to burst out all my desires, my anger and my blissful moments I wish to prolong. I created this blog to fulfill my dreams and to bring out what I hide in front of you, of those people who never care unless they’ve seen something strange to talk about. I created a post about you, about my sisters, about how I hated and loved you. I cried when I wrote about what I feel after our fight. The moment I locked myself in the bathroom just to feel fine. I wrote on how lucky I am to have you but at the same time, also wrote about how I want to get you out of my life because of your deafening nags. The way you always put the blame on me because I am the eldest and I should be acting like a role model especially that I graduated at a Catholic school and I should be polite and not talk back all the time is making me sick everytime. Mom, I felt tired to love you unconditionally when I got the reasons why I should abhor you. And to Dad, who was working in some place far far from us, I felt so disconnected. Whenever he’s drunk, he always scolds us and tells us we should do good in school because he’s working hard for us to finish our studies. Every time he shouts, I am always frightened. The best thing that’s ever happened, for me Mom, is when Yumilka came to life to make me smile and to annoy me but still managed to amuse me after that. She’s my angel, Mom. I felt like I became a mother in an instant when she’s my baby and my youngest sister. She’s the reason why I can’t buy the things I want but I still find joy despite of that. She taught me how to be contented and not to desire what is beyond what I needed. Mom, I love my sisters so much so please don’t let them experience the bad things you and Dad had done to me. Just because I am the experimental child, your first born who did nothing but to give you problems and make you cry because I’m such a pain in the ass, doesn’t guarantee that you’ll do the same to be fair enough to them cos this is what I became. But even if I excel in my field, I get through severe discomfort and I feel emotional pain. Please, take care of them like they’re not just your kids, treat them like your world will collapse if something bad will happen to them. Because even if we always fight, I still love them just the way they are and I will continue to work hard just to satisfy their wants and desires on which will be efficient to their growth to be more mature, to be more confident and to be more defined.

When we were 14 & 15, we told each other we’d be friends forever. When we were 18 & 19, we told each other we were going to marry each other at 25, single or not, because we deserve to be together and we make each other happy.. Now being 21 & 22, he proposed.. I cried like a baby. A lot of people are saying we’re too young but I think we’re lucky. We found each other at such a young age and now we have the rest of our lives to look forward to. Some people spend their whole lives looking for the same feeling that he and I share.. He’s a beautiful human being and I can’t wait to show off to the world what God has kept for me all these years. I think everyone is supposed to be happy. Everyone is supposed to sleep with a smile on their face. I think everyone deserves it, good or bad.

3

“Et entendre ton rire comme on entend la mer
S'arrêter, repartir en arrière “

I finished Stone Ocean a while ago, and it took me some time to make a fanart out of it. (read: crawl out of my half-denial half-traumatized state enough to draw something.)

The quote is from a french song called “Mistral Gagnant” by Renault. It’s basically about a father cherishing his daughter, spending time with her, being nostalgic. 

8

♡ month of june remix! mckay ft. rap monster ♡

8

→ Lee Altus of Exodus about Teemu Mäntysaari:

“It was the Hypocrisy tour, we had this band Wintersun. There were two guitar players, one of them was older and the other one was younger, he was like 18 years old and he was just shredding. Me and Gary would just sit there and watch him and just be amazed, like ‘God, this guy is just putting us to shame’, you know, he was so good…

 [ x ]

i almost cried when i saw this tho. there are barely any safe spaces for the queer community in hockey, and it’s known as the more accepting one. To be told that over and over is one thing, but for a hockey team, which is really just a business, wear something that represents me so starkly where they could get backlash from it just makes me feel so included in this for once. i know it’s not much and i know it could be better but i wold do anything for the bruins and seeing this is like them saying they’d do anything for me too.

I remember the first day, the day after he left me. i woke up and my eyes were stuck together from crying for most of the night and my throat hurt from screaming into my pillow and the last thing I wanted was to go to school and see him. but I did, I showered and did my makeup and dressed up very nicely and got on the bus and cried quietly in my seat until we reached the school.

you see, you’re always told to hide your pain so they can’t see what makes you weak but you’re never told how. it’s so hard to smile when your heart is self destructing so it never has to get hurt again. it’s hard when you punched your wall so many times last night that your hand is too swollen to hold your pencil. it’s hard when you put all of the fucking trust you had into someone who never even wanted it and it’s hard when you aren’t even sure if what happened was that bad.

sometimes it all hurts too much to paint on a smile and hide your tears behind a smoke screen but I’m beginning to believe people only tell you to stay strong so they can’t see how much they’ve broken you.

—  Excerpt from a book I’ll never write– Lily Rain
youtube

Esurance has released a marriage-equality-themed ad where kids share their dreams for their weddings, and I started watching it just as this ad was playing silently on my TV, and good gravy, I cried and cried. 

This ad reminds me of standing in my bathroom when I was 17, staring at my reflection in the mirror and praying to a god I didn’t believe in, please don’t make me gay. Please don’t make me gay. I can’t get married if I’m gay. 

I don’t know why I have always wanted to get married. I just have. Along with writing a book and being a part-time ballerina and part-time concert pianist and having a pool full of MnMs, that was one of my dreams, even if I didn’t know who I would end up with. I wanted the love and commitment and protection and connection that came with marriage. I wanted to find a person to build that relationship with, to trust with my everything and love with my all. And I know that when I was figuring my identity out and not sure if I was bi or a lesbian or something in between, the murkiness of that future was a huge concern to me. 

That was in 2008, the year I watched my home state of Florida amend its constitution to ban same-sex marriage. I wouldn’t come out wholly and confidently for another year and change. But you know what? It’s 2015, and I want to jump through the mirror and give that poor girl a hug and tell her that the entire world is going to change, and soon. I’m openly, unapologetically bi now. I have every intention of marrying a woman one day. And I can do that. 

And it’s gonna be a really long time before every 17-year-old gay kid feels like they can come out safely and happily, but we’re on the cusp of a world where being denied 1,138 legal rights – where being legally second-class – because of the person they love is no longer a concern. We’ve got so much more to do, but we’ve come so far, even in the few years since I asked my reflection to ignore what I knew to be true about myself. And I’m gonna cry about that. 

Oof. Thanks for reading. 

“Come on, tell me something about her,” my friend says, “just anything. I’m curious about her.”

I give him a look and thoughts of her starts to sink in one by one; the way she smiles at little things, the way she makes silly faces in front of the camera, the way she annoys me for a reply because she is an impatient one, the way her cheeks redden each time I tell her how much I adore her, the way her laughter makes you feel all the butterflies, the way she gets all excited and hyped when she talks about what she loves, the way she cries or laughs at the smallest things, the way she puts up with my bullshit and even the way she gets angry or upset.

I then remember when she made a promise to stay by my side no matter how tough it is, how she would nag when I don’t eat on time, how she would randomly sing, how she could sense when something is not right, how she would accidentally injure herself due to clumsiness which is something I can’t help but to worry about.

“Hey, you there?” he snaps his fingers at me and that snaps me out of my thoughts as well.

“Yeah, I’m here.”

“Well?”

“Well,” I smile as I proceed to get the words out, “she is something so precious and I love her.”

“I love her so much.”

—  She is my precious