He didn’t know how long he had been sitting in the lobby, but he knew it must have been awhile. Counting the soft ticks from the clock on the other side of the room was his only way of telling how much time had actually passed.
Despite Melissa practically forcing him to eat something when Scott had bought him to the hospital earlier that morning, he hadn’t eaten all day. His stomach grumbled but he ignored it as his eyes wandered around the room.
Lydia sat across from him, whispering things to Kira every now and then. Scott sat next to him, bouncing his knee and staring at his thumbs.
He couldn’t help but feel like this was his fault. He lead the nogistune right to her and because of him, she had been in a coma for the past 10 hours completely unconscious.
Summary: The infamous Brooklyn mob boss, Bucky Barnes, has a tendency of sleeping around and killing people on a short fuse. So what happens when a certain girl catches his eye and turns his already shitty world upside down?
BEFORE YOU READ: this is a semi-oc fic! You can still insert your name into the fic, that’s not changing. However, ‘you’, will have some characteristics that ‘you’ might not actually have in real time. It just fits the story better if I actually describe it instead of leaving holes in the story. Enjoy!
Warnings: smut, unprotected sex, fingering, oral sex (f receiving), swearing, fluff, angst (grab a tissue box you’re going to need it)
I love waking up to a warm bed side. Companionship is amazing and going to bed and waking up to the person you love most is an amazing feeling.
It’s been almost a week since the house incident and I haven’t let her out of my sight. I know I’m being paranoid, but I can’t help it. I’m scared for her. I’m worried what might happen to her if I take my eyes off her for too long. I can’t lose her.
my heart has been set free from the cage it was previously locked in and my god, let me tell you, walking away from what destroyed you, feels so good. see, it took so long. so much valiant effort. so much pain. the cage was stained red with my blood. i tried to shrink myself down, fit through the lock, squeeze my way out. i tried everything possible and it never worked. i would rattle the bars until my hands were numb, id scream and beg for help and gave up when my voice left me along with my happiness. until one day i sang the song my heart had been dying to sing for so long. the truth. and it set me free. i expressed how i felt, i screamed about my heartbreak, i felt the pain, i cried it all out. and the cage is no longer restraining, but merely a fading image of what i once was confined in. i am free to fly now. and i have flown so far away that happiness comes far easier to me now and it feel so good. letting go feels so damn good.
Summary:Nina gets shot during the fight in Alexandria.
Characters: Negan, Nina (OC), Rick, Carl, Sasha
Warnings:Swearing, Smut, Fluff
Author’s Note: This fic was requested by anon who sent:
‘Can you do a negan smut. Where he left his wives for nina, they love each other. She’s a marital artist and is the one who shot rick in S7 finale. And beats him in front of everyone when she gives him to negan, and gets shot badly at gun fight needs to be resuscitated in the van and ends in smut? Lot of fluff xxxz’
I struggled to incorporate the martial artist element, but I think I got the rest. Thank you for the request! I hope this is to your liking!
Prompts: “What if you find your soulmate… at the wrong time?” - Lauren Kate, Passion
Summary: Be careful for what you wish for, because you may never know how to deal with them once it comes true. What would you do when your wish for a second chance actually came true? But was it really a fulfilled wish? Too many questions lie when it actually happened. Were they real memories? Or perhaps a part of a past life? Was it only a dream all along? Will everything be different this time?
a/n: This is one of the oldest fic I wrote but I took it down because I was highly unhappy about it so I rewrite the whole thing. It might be confusing at first, but I hope it will clear up on the next chapters.
= Prologue =
Each and every single human being in this world always wants something. We always have our wishes for our own selfishness.
We wish for a good life.
We wish for love.
We wish for happiness.
We wish for second chances.
That was what I wished for.
The one thing I prayed for every night before I sleep. The one thing I prayed for, at the very night before I woke up in an entirely different life.
A new life.
My second chance.
I dreaded my life.
I was 30 years old. I have lost all kinds of connection to my parents. I have lost everything, my love, my hope and my dreams. And I could feel my whole life slipping away, taking pieces of my soul as it withered to ashes. I cried constantly until I reached to a point where I could no longer find any will to release the pain burning inside of me.
I was 30 years old when I felt numb. When I lost the love that I used to have towards life. When all I could feel was exhaustion.
I was 30 years old when I closed my eyes that night with a loud cry of ‘I don’t want this life anymore’.
I was 30 years old when I fell asleep.
I was 15 years old when I opened my eyes the next day.
A/n: Hey guys! Coming at ya ;) I got an idea for this fic last night and I stayed up writing this. Please send me feedback, it means a lot to me :) I hope you guys like it ! -Gia
Word Count: 1.4k
Pairing: Philip Hamilton x Reader
Setting: Modern AU
Warning: Character Death, and a bit of sadness
I could see the puff of my breath in the cold winter air. Fortunately, the park was empty this late at night, meaning I could think freely without any interruptions. The worn leather-bound book in my hands was only in case someone would pass by and attempt to speak with me. My head leaned back to look at the sky. Despite it being the midst of winter and the snowstorm we had earlier, the sky was surprisingly crystal clear. My eyes could see the three stars that lined up to make Orion’s belt. I let out a humorless laugh as I remembered what he used to say to me back when we were together.
“ I don’t understand why you don’t like your freckles,” He said as he looked down at me. I had my head in his lap as we were both reading books while lounging at home.
“It’s because I used to get teased about them in middle school and high school,” I shrugged as I turned the page of my book.
“Well I think they look like constellations, each freckle is a star in the sky.” He traced a few of them with his fingertip, “These specifically look like Aquarius. Y’know aquarius was named after Ganymede, the cupbearer to the gods in Mount Olympic. In the myth, Ganymede was the most beautiful boy alive and Zeus was so enchanted by him that he took the form of an eagle and abducted the Ganymede.”
I smiled up at him, “You’re such an astronomy dork.”
He smiled at me as he continued, “But I bet if Zeus saw you, he’d say Ganymede is nothing compared to you.”
Blood rushed to my face as buried my face into his stomach, “Stop it, Philip, you’re being cheesy.”
“But it’s true; well I’d pick you over Ganymede any day,” He chuckled softly.
★posted from Wattpad
★based off photos posted onto Twitter
“I can’t believe this is happening, what are we going to do?!”
Dan exclaimed as he paced in front of me for what seemed like the 10th time that day as we tried to talk about what had happened.
“I don’t know Dan but we have to. He has no where else to go, and we are his godparents.”
I stated and Dan seemed to glare at me.
“WE DON’T KNOW HOW TO TAKE CARE OF A BABY, PHIL! We can barely take care of ourselves at times!” He exclaimed and I had to quickly clamp my hand over his mouth.
“Dan, you need to be quiet. Miles is sleeping and the last thing I want to do right now is wake him.” I instructed him and he sighed softly, nodding before I released my hand.
“I know you’re scared Dan, I am too. But we can do this. We’ve always been good with kids before, what’s any different now?”
At that moment, a small crying could be heard from down the hall from Miles room.
Dan instantly looked up at me, terror in his eyes and I could feel my heart breaking bit by bit.
I gave him a small smile to reassure him, pressing a chaste kiss to him temple before taking his hand, leading him to Miles room.
Opening the door, the crying got slightly louder and I could feel Dan flinch under me.
“It’ll be okay. I promise…” I whispered softly to him before releasing his hand and going to the crib, picking up the small infant and holding him in my arms.
“Hey Miles…It’s okay, buddy. I know, I know, sorry Dan and I were being a bit loud.”
I chuckled, rocking Miles back and forth softly as I shushed him, his cries dying down until he was quietly whimpering.
I looked up at Dan who was still stood in the doorway, watching me with a sad, helpless look on his face, almost looking numb.
Slowly, I stepped to him, Miles having gone silent in my arms and falling asleep.
Dan’s head raised instantly and the frightful look returned to his eyes, opening his mouth as to say something before I quietly shushed him, pressing a light kiss to his lips before pulling away, seeing his eyes full of fear.
“What’s wrong, love? I know you’re scared, but everything will be okay. We have everything we need.” I said quietly, worry running through me as to why Dan would be so scared now even though he never was before.
“What-… what if I mess up, Phil? I’ve never taken care of a baby before, what if I screw up and he turns out to be a bad kid, or he hates me, or- or-”
“Dan, Dan, Dan, baby, calm down. It’s okay. It’s okay. We won’t screw up. And he won’t hate you.”
“But what if he does?” Dan asked softly, his eyes falling to Miles who lay asleep in my arms.
We stayed silent for a moment.
“Why don’t you try holding him?” I suggested softly and Dan’s eyes snapped up to mine.
“What? P-phil, no! I-I could drop him!”
He exclaimed and I shushed him once more.
“Dan, I’m clumsier than you and I haven’t dropped him yet. C'mon, it’ll be okay. I promise. And if you do drop him, then I’ll catch him.”
Dan glared at me and I chuckled, rolling my eyes.
“I was kidding, now here.” I said, stepping closer to Dan to pass and his eyes went wide, involuntarily holding out his arms so Miles wouldn’t fall.
“P-phil! I said no! I-”
Dan began to whisper shout as I adjusted him so he was holding Miles correctly, making sure he was still asleep and I shushed him, turning to smile at him.
“Look, you’re doing it. It’s fine, see?” I said and Dan gazed down at Miles, a small laugh escaping his lips.
“I… I’m holding him… He’s okay…” Dan whispered in disbelief, a small smile growing on his lips before he looked up at me, his grin wide then turned back to Miles, cooing softly.
He chuckled softly.
“My name is [Dan]”
He said softly, using on hand to make half a bracket, the other still holding him as he grinned widely, his cheeks blushing lightly as he chuckled over his own joke.
I rolled my eyes, my heart fluttering at the sight of Dan holding Miles, happy and stress-free.
He smiled down at Miles before turning to look at me again, his smile smaller but still there, almost unbelieving.
“Phil, how are we gonna take care of this baby when we haven’t even come out to our audience yet? I’m sure they’ll notice that we suddenly have an infant in our lives when we both don’t have girlfriends.”
Dan joked lightly and I gave a small smile, shrugging.
“I don’t know, Love. But I do know that we’ll figure this out, and that, no matter what, we’re gonna be okay.” I replied softly, stroking his cheek with one hand as I ran the other over Miles head gently, causing him to hum happily as he slept while Dan just looked at me with loving eyes before gently rocking Miles back and forth.
I grinned at him.
“You’re going to be a great dad, Dan…”
I commented softly, causing Dan’s cheeks to blush lightly as he smiled warmly at me.
“Thank you, baby…”
He leaned over to me, careful not to crush Miles between us as he gave me a small kiss before walking past me to crib, lying Miles down before turning to me.
I grinned, nodding.
“Bed.” I replied simply letting him take my hand as we walked back to our bedroom, lying down and instantly cuddling together.
I heard Dan whisper in the quiet room, snuggling into my chest and I tightened my grip on him.
“I love you.”
I looked down at him, seeing him smiling happily and relaxed, his state completely opposite from what it was 20 minutes ago.
Thank you all so much for your patience with me on getting this chapter out! Going to Walker Stalker Con was a huge, amazing, time consuming, energy sucking adventure that made it impossible to write! But now I am back and ready for action, freshly full of JDM inspiration!
Swearing, serious feels
“It was Davis.”
Immediately Negan tensed around you. You pulled away from his chest slightly to see that his face had gone cold and blank. He wasn’t your Negan anymore; Negan the Leader of the Saviors was back.
The walker’s blood sprayed onto my clothes and I sighed. Blood took forever to wash out. I continued stabbing a few walkers here and there to pass the time on lookout.
It’s been a few days since I ran out on Carl, Ron hasn’t really been speaking to me much and that’s perfectly ok with me, I need a while on my own to wallow in my sadness. I’ve mostly kept to myself these past few days, I did a lot of extra work to occupy myself, if I didn’t I ended up alone in my room thinking about how alone I was, which wasn’t fun.
I felt that I was getting better, bit by bit. There were points when I was furious at myself for letting something as silly as a boy get in the way of my happiness, but then at night when I lay in bed alone, all I wanted was to be in Carl’s arms and be the one he called his. I had been there from the start, we’d been through so much together and he just threw that all away for Enid and her stupid pin-straight hair and stupid perfect smile and stupid blue eyes and stu-
“Uh y/n? You ok there?” I stopped what I was doing and turned towards Daryl’s voice. He looked shocked and slightly worried, and he was staring at my hands. I followed his gaze to see my knife and clothes covered in walker blood and rot and at my feet were the remains of a walker, with several stab wounds all over its body.
“Uh-uh sorry Daryl, just working.. working through some problems at the moment, needed to take my anger out on something ya know?” I laughed awkwardly, rubbing the back of my neck with my bloody hands. Daryl’s face showed clearly that no. He didn’t know what I was talking about and that I looked like a crazy murderer at the moment.
“Yeah, no shit you’re working through some stuff. Just come inside already and eat something, you’ve been out here for three times your shift length.” I sighed and nodded. Daryl was pretty much the only one I listened to at the moment, countless people came up to me and begged me to come inside and rest but I always denied. I’d rather pass out from heatstroke protecting my people than face the puke-show that was Carl and Enid.
I sat with all the adults at dinner, not being able to face the awkwardness of my normal seat next to Ron. I was poking at my spaghetti, and almost laughed as I remembered what happened the last time I ate this meal. After a while longer of me looking at my meal, only nibbling a tiny part, and zoning in and out of the adult’s boring-ass conversations, a sigh from across from me caught my attention.
“You gotta eat y/n, the rate you’re going with your work you’re gonna end up passing out on top of a walker soon.” I looked up at Rick as he spoke to me, he was looking at me, his eyes a mixture of worry, saddness and pity, a look I have been getting all too often these days.
I held my anger down this time, but looked Rick right in the eye while I shoved 3 spoonfuls of spaghetti into my mouth to get him off my back.
“There. Now find something worthwhile to worry about. I’ve got my own fucking back.” I snarled, but instantly regretted snapping at him. I had been rude to everyone these past days, it’s just what I’m like when I put my walls up.
“What the hell has gotten into you y/n? You’re not the same anymore, everyone’s worried about you, hell, Carl’s been a nervous wreck!” I rolled my eyes and scoffed at Maggie’s comment, muttering “Yeah right” at her ridiculous notion.
“If Carl’s so worried, he can tell me himself, and it’s not like he’s going to be doing that any time soon.” I stood up and began to walk out of the cafeteria, calmly this time. I was almost at the door but couldn’t help stealing a glance at Carl on my way out. To my surprise, he was staring right back at me. Enid was next to him looking bored and Ron was stuffing his face with what looks like Enid’s spaghetti.
We locked eyes for a while longer, his eyes held so many emotions that I could hardly decipher what he was feeling. His large blue eyes, those two oceans I had come to love so dearly held in them… sadness? worry? anger? longing?
I eventually had to tear my eyes away and as I walked back to my house, all the emotions that I had been pushing down these past few days, all the hurt that I had been covering with anger, poured out of me in an uncontrollable wave of tears and pain and pure sorrow.
I cried for what seemed like hours on my bed. I was so tired of feeling this shit over him. Why couldn’t my heart just let go? Why can’t I accept that he’s too good for me? That he was always going to be too good for me? I didn’t deserve a heaven like Carl Grimes.
My sobs had turned to soft hiccups by the time I heard the door open and boots race up to my room, I was so numb I barely noticed my door creak open until I heard my name come from his lips. The lips I ached to kiss so, so badly.
“Y/n..” The voice was full of pity, and fucking hell was I sick of pity.
I sat up in my bed, facing him and glared. I was furious.
“Leave. You leave right now Grimes! You leave me alone and don’t come near me again!” I whirled round to face him, edging closer to him as I hurled more icy words at him.
Carl’s face remained emotionless until he saw me wipe my tears from my already red eyes. In the faint moonlight shining through my window, I could see his ocean eyes begin to cloud over as he rubbed his face and took a deep breath in.
When he looked at me again, the words that came out of his mouth were so unexpected, I nearly took a step back.
“I miss you, ok? Why haven’t you been talking to me?”
oh HELL NO.
“HOW DARE YOU COME IN HERE AND SAY YOU MISSED ME CARL GRIMES! I have been slowly dying over here on my own, let’s not forget you’re the one that left me, not the other way around. My own best friend ditched me, left me alone for a stupid girl! You don’t get to fucking cry Carl Grimes, I’m the one that’s alone, I’m the one that’s been replaced, I’m the one that’s been crying over my broken heart because the only boy I’ve ever loved gave his heart to another girl.”
My mouth suddenly stopped working as those last words slipped out. What have I done?
Carl was staring at me, with his face showing pure shock, his eyes were wide and he kept opening and closing his mouth like a fish.
“Y-you love me?” Carl managed to utter out eventually.
I nodded slowly, everything was out now, there was no point denying the fact.
“I-I do, Carl, I really do, but I understand that you have Enid now, and it would be selfish of me to hold it against you. so I’ll just stay out of your way, wouldn’t want things to be any more awkward between us that they already are, right?”
Carl shook his head suddenly while looking at my quizzically.
“What? No y/n, we can still be friends! We’ve been together since this shit started, I don’t think I could go on without you.” He looked into my eyes, and I just had to look away, I couldn’t bare looking into those blue oceans of his. The connection I felt when we locked eyes filled my heart with sorrow.
I flinched when he said ‘together’, but he seemed so genuine, maybe.. maybe he really does just want his friend back? Maybe we really could go back to the way we were? No.. how could I settle with being the 'best friend’ while watching Carl whisper sweet nothings and holding and kissing and loving Enid? No.. no, what he was asking wasn’t fair on me.. was it?
“I-I’m sorry Carl, I really am, but I don’t think I could go back to being as close as we were before, I need to heal, I-I just need to heal Carl. Maybe after some time I could learn to accept the heartbreak and..” I gulped. “And move on.” I finished, nodding my head to try and look confident.
I repeated the phrase over and over in my head, trying to convince myself more than anyone else.
I will move on, I’ll find love, I’ll be happy.
Carl looked up at me again from his place on my bed.
“If-if that’s what you feel you need to do, then fine. I’ll give you all the space you need. Ju-just know that it’ll be hard for me y/n, I miss cracking jokes with my lil buddy up on lookout.” He smiled slightly at his comment, and, surprising even myself, I didn’t feel as much hurt as I thought I would at his words, and almost managed to crack a smile at the memory.
We stayed in each other’s presence for a while longer, just… being together and accepting this new relationship between us.
“It’s late, Eni- I mean dad, will wonder where I am, I better head home.” Carl sighed and stood up, placing his hat back on his head and turning to face me as I stood up to face him. He leaned in for a hug, and so did I, but I pulled back at the last minute, not being able to face being in his arms so soon after beginning to feel my heart mending. I looked at him apologetically and crossed my arms while he scratched the back of his neck awkwardly.
“Bye y/n.” he said softly, before turning to leave my room.
“Bye Carl, and thank you.” I whispered after him, so quietly he probably didn’t hear it. Sure, it’ll take me time to accept Carl’s feelings, but hey, doesn’t Maggie say 'everything happens for a reason’ or some shit like that?
I sat back down on my bed, heading my head against the headboard and taking in everything that just happened. I think Carl and I are going to be ok. I really do.
Light pattering on my window woke me from my train of thought and I furrowed my eyebrows as I walked over to open my window to see what was going on.
My heart began to beat faster as I realized it was Carl. However, he didn’t notice me at first, and pelted a rock right at my face, killing the mood slightly.
“OH SHIT y/n I’m so sorry! I just wanted to get your attention I didn’t mean to-” I cut him off, rolling my eyes but still holding my sore cheek.
“Just cut to the chase Carl, what is it?”
“Yeah-yeah right, um. I just wanted to tell you that I loved you, ya know? I loved you for the longest time but I never thought I deserved a heaven like you, I was going crazy because I was so infatuated with you, so when Enid came along, I thought I could use her as a distraction but it turned into something more and I think I might love her and that terrifies me and I’m now regretting this decision because you’re crying. Oh god y/n, please don’t cry, I’m sorry, I thought you deserved to know and oh fuck if I had just known what that you felt the same, fuck y/n, things would be so different. And for that I’m sorry y/n I really, really am.”
I didn’t notice I had tears running own my face until Carl pointed it out. I was overcome with sorrow once more, we couldn’t been something, he liked me back the whole fucking time, but I was too scared, I was too scared of rejection that I let him slip away.
“It-its ok Carl, yeah, I guess I am hurting more now because I know what could’ve been, but my opportunity has passed and I need to accept that.” I nodded, although I hardly believed that accepting it was going to be easy.
“I’m sorry, y/n. Really” I didn’t want to hear him pity me anymore, no amount of apologies were going to heal my heart now.
“Goodbye Carl.” I said, looking down at my blue-eyed angel, before shutting my window and crawling back to the safety of my duvet.
I lay on my bed and closed my eyes as I waited for the flow of tears and pain I knew was coming, but to my surprise, I took one, long, shuddering breath, and when I opened my eyes I felt.. almost ok. I could do this. I was a strong ass woman, and I was going to be ok. I know it.
I will move on, I’ll find love, I’ll be happy.
I will move on, I’ll find love, I’ll be… happy.
THERE YOU GO MY LOVES, PART2 <3 I loved writing this lol, I wrote an alternate ending where Nick Robinson arrived at Alexandria and they start dating, but deciding against it lmao
please keep requesting loves, I do ships, headcanons and imagines :)
comment what you thought, I love hearing your opinions!
“We’re born alone, we live alone, we die alone. Only through our love and friendship can we create the illusion for the moment that we’re not alone.” - Orson Welles
I still remember the day we met, I remember it as if it were yesterday. Do you remember? You were a trainee, and I was just the sister of one of your seniors. I accidentally walked into the room while you were practicing, and when your eyes met mine I knew that your eyes were the ones I wanted to look into for the rest of my life. We spent hours in that practice room, just talking about both of our lives and learning everything there is to know about one another. I even forgot about meeting with my brother and why I had visited SM that day, that’s how captivating you were.
Do you remember our one year anniversary? Johnny told me that the whole week before you did nothing but worry and drive yourself crazy thinking of what you should do. You wanted everything to be perfect for me. I wish you knew then that no matter what you did, it would be perfect because you were there. As long as you were with me, that’s all I ever needed in life. That was the first time you told me you loved me. I’ve never experienced a more perfect moment than that.
10 reasons why takumi shouldn’t have had to suffer so much, especially in conquest:
1. he’s just a bab…………seriously he’s like 17 he’s still growing let the boy live
2. all he ever wanted was his siblings’ love, attention, and affection, even if he doesn’t handle not getting it very well, he has such good intentions
3. some creepy dude took over his fucking mind in 2/3 of the routes that’s so scary? having someone control your entire mentality and your actions and words? that’s so freaky
4. take note of how whenever you talk to takumi in mycastle, he always has something nice and encouraging to say. “want to join me for target practice?” “never stop being who you are, because you’re great.” “you’re really great, you know that? sorry if i don’t say it enough.” these are here for a reason guys
5. when you meet him in the afterlife in conquest he says he knows that he let his grief overtake him and a lot of his actions weren’t his own even though he had every right to feel that way and shouldn’t even have to apologize, and he tells kamui that all he wanted was to be close to them and be loved by them
“i’m not afraid of the dark, or “haunted” mountains, or that monster over there. WHEN DID THAT GET HERE?! GET IT AWAY! GET IT AWAY!”
“a tropical island? dare I dream…? the sun, the sand, the… HUH?! you didn’t hear that! did you? i’m only fighting because… well, because they’re making me!”
“fine, fine, i’ll help. but only if i get to play with the weapons we win! er, i mean train! train, not play! oh shoot. i hope no one heard that…”
“i hate the snow. it numbs my fingers, making it hard to draw my bowstrings. on the other hand, i do like playing around with igloos. except the time one collapsed while i was in it. i thought i was going to die!”
7. he has the worst nightmares in the army and sometimes they’re so bad he unknowingly sleepwalks and cries(support with azura)
8. in conquest he literally gets his entire family taken from him and even when he tries to escape through death, his corpse is used as a puppet and he can’t even rest in peace until his soul is finally set free if you think anyone in conquest suffered more than takumi shut your sorry ass up
9. he just wanted to protect his siblings, he was literally only so paranoid and cautious of nohrians because he never wanted his family and/or his people suffering as a result of his carelessness(COUGHS CHAPTER 6) why do people just assume he’s cold to them because he’s “just an asshole”
10. why the fuck are y’all blaming takumi literally 90% of his suffering comes directly as a result of other people’s actions(especially kamui’s in conquest) :\
How are you feeling today? I'm still numb and extremely sad about it being Emma's final episode. I mean I know she said she would return for 1 episode season 7 but it's still not the same. My heart is still aching as stupid as that may sound.
Me too, Nonnie. I go through moments where I forget and it’s business as usual and then I remember that she’s leaving and I get hit with it again.
I don’t think it’ll fully sink in for me until we get to SDCC and Jen’s not there, or filming spoilers and episodes….For now, I’m part denial, part misery.
Pisces Sun and Leo Moon Confession, submitted by a follower
I’m one of the most supportive people ever, I’ll listen, encourage, and help in any way possible; until you hurt me and bruise my ego. Then I’m toxic and vitriolic. I feel everything. Sadness, grief, anger, frustration, love, care, and so many other emotions. It’s like I can’t put a stopper on it and I feel these emotions at their highest intensity. My heart hurts with how much I love someone, my bones ache with anger at injustices, and my soul cries for the days I feel nothing but sadness. Sometimes I wish for numbness, anything to dull these emotions that rip through me, burning and cutting. I always go between reality and daydreaming and I’m a complete romantic and love giving gifts. In my friendship group I like having the attention but outside of that I’m pretty shy. I am the worst at keeping grudges. Some mixture of understanding why people do the hurtful things they do, and always expecting the best out of others makes it impossible to stay mad for too long. [info on sun and moon signs]
Summary: You’re depressed and feel like the Winchesters would be better off without you.
Word Count: 2666
Warnings: Depression, mentions of self harm and suicide
A/N: So this isn’t a fic that I was working on or was on my to-do list but I’ve had a shitty week and had some emotions to expel. I wrote this in only a few hours and only read through it once, so just ignore any grammar/spelling errors. I’m sure I’ll get around to it later this weekend.
You couldn’t take it anymore. Trying to hide everything
behind a fake smile and coming up with bad jokes to hide the fact that you were
so broken. The Winchesters didn’t know that you cried yourself to sleep every
night. They didn’t know that you would wake up at three in the morning with a
painful, dark pit in your stomach, clenching until you couldn’t breathe. The
monsters in your mind weren’t just mental now; they were physical. Nothing you
did could kill them. You cut and you scratched and burned, but nothing helped. They
were still there, inside of you, just under the skin.
1. I can’t stop screaming and my lungs are on fire but where are you?
3. It hurts until it doesn’t but it hurts so goddamn bad and the room hasn’t stopped spinning since you left. That’s why I’m throwing up so why are you kissing her?
5. I called you so i could hear your voice but your voice made the sand in my bones turn to glass and I can’t stop bleeding
7. Maybe I’ll always love you
maybe I’ll get drunk
9. I’m so numb that my fingers have been falling off and I haven’t cried in two weeks and your face is blurred in my memories
I guess being brain dead has its perks
11. I see you kissing her and I’m so fucking glad its not me- I’d hate to be the one that has to wash your god awful taste out of my mouth
I just want Mare and Cal to find each other when all hope seems lost, like imagine them not being able to hold back the tears and being unable to find the words to express how much they love and have missed each-other. Imagine Cal going weak at the knees when he sees Mare, telling himself he's dreaming because he was so certain he would never see her again. Imagine him kissing Mare's tears away while they're wrapped up in each others arms and Mare's whispering "my little fire babe" in his ear...
LOLOLOLOL WHO’S READY FOR FIIIIIIICCCCC TIIIIIIIMMMMEEEE??? Who’s ready to get rekt children? (I took a little more liberty with this one)
It is freezing, ice under my feet, ice burning on the tip of my nose and my cheeks. I can’t breath around the cold. I can’t even think around it. I can hear the shouts of battle coming from the courtyard over, but I trudge past, droplets of red behind me like a breadcrumb trail. I wouldn’t be surprised if Samson was following it like the bloodhound he was. I press my hand harder against the bullet wound, the one bullet I thought I’d never get hit with. Surely it had been an accident. The sniper had been aiming for Maven, but at the last second, I had stepped up to his side, just like we had rehearsed during the practice for his grand speech. It had been planned, he had known the sniper would be there, probably because of Jon. I cursed that fortune teller one more time as I took another stumbling step. The bullet had slammed through my side and into my gut probably, and without a doubt, I was probably going to die in the middle of this courtyard.
I stood in the middle then, my thin boots soaking up the snow as flurries of it floated around me. I couldn’t see clearly anymore, and when I looked down I could see the puddle of red on the snow, like a bright red robin in spring. I would never make it out of Corvium, never, I was going to die inside these walls like a prisoner. I inhaled sharply around the pain in my side and then tried to take another step, but my legs were frozen. I was going to die standing up then. I snorted at that, I had once told Maven I would die on my feet like a solider, and not on my knees like a dog. How wonderful that I would get my wish.
My feet waver under me though, and I realized that if the puddle of blood is not what will be the death of me, the cold will.
The crunch of snow under boots is what brings me back to life. I look up hesitantly, a ragged girl, bleeding, and dying. If it’s Maven’s soldiers, I’ll tell them to kill me, to just put another bullet through my head and end this whole mess. Standing on the other side of the courtyard though, is not one of Maven’s soldiers, it’s a Scarlet Guard member. They’re dressed in worn fatigues, with the signature red scarf. I can’t even smile, my lips are so chapped that if I did, they would crack and more blood would pour out.
My hand pulls away from my side then, revealing the bright red stained across my palm. I offered it out to the soldier, who is standing stock still, like he was looking at a ghost. I smile softly then, like a child expecting a parent to reprimand them for doing something foolish, but I get nothing of the sort as my knees start to buckle and I’m crashing down, down, down into the snow.
Two arms catch me though, warm arms. I sigh in relief at the change in temperature and then blink open my eyes. Everything is starting to blur around the edge, and all I want to do is close my eyes and sink into that darkness. Peace is calling, and in the distance, I swear I can hear Shade, calling my name like a child begging me to come play.
My name is like a whisper, like a lovers final breath, and my eyes flutter open as the solider rips the scarf they’re wearing away to reveal their features. My heart beats once, then twice, and then I swallow and whisper, “Cal.”
He’s here, it’s really him. I reach up a shaking hand, covered in my blood, and cup his cheek. “You came, you came for me.” My lips curl up in a smile as I run my thumb along his cheek, coated in stubble and dirt and blood. Silver blood. Not his own, from what I can tell. I swallow hard again and then choke, “I thought I’d never see you again, and here you are, my last-”
I grabs my hand tightly in his own and reprimands, “Don’t finish that statement. You’re not going to die. I won’t let you.”
I snort at his comment and then breathe, “Jon was right about you, you do think you can control the unstoppable.”
Before I know it, I’m heaved up into his arms. I curl up against him then, needing the warmth that pulsated off him. He carried me through the courtyard, and out of it, past the heat of battle, which is only a blur of House colors and the Scarlet Guard’s fearless red. I cling to Cal though, who manages to avoid being tackled by more than a few Silvers, and who practically stumbles down into a ditch like trench of sorts on the far side of the courtyard. People are moving frantically through it, healers, I realize belatedly, as Cal’s muffled voice hollers for someone, anyone. He drops into a little foxhole cubby in the trench and keep me pressed to his chest, rocking me slowly back and forth as he whispers, “Don’t you dare die on me, Mare Barrow.”
I blink, and then roll my eyes as I lay my head against his shoulder. It had been months since I had seen him, but he was no different. Still the same two hundred pound muscle of a man who had promised to defend me even after I had betrayed him. The tears come before I can stop them and then burn as they roll down through the ice on my cheeks. He wraps an arm around my shoulders and lifts me up more so that he can press a soft kiss against my hairline. It’s so gentle that I almost miss it. He inhales slowly and then whispers, “Don’t cry little lightning girl, I’m here.”
He shifts me so that my chest is pressed up against his, and his hand is pressed into the spot right above my shoulders blades. It almost makes me cry harder. The sign that he had always given me in the Notch and beyond had become verbal, a confirmation, and a promise.
Cold hands press against my lower back then, and my shirt if hiked up to my shoulders. I whimper at the cold, and in response, Cal pushes more heat out, enough to keep an entire family warm for the winter. His lips brush my temple then my ear as he whispers, “Sara will heal you, she’ll heal you and everything will be fine.”
In that moment, I believe him, I believe every word he says. I turn my head into his neck and then tilt my chin up to whisper against his jaw, “I…I love you.”
The silent words we had shared as we went crashing down in the Blackrun make him stiffen in surprise before the tension rolls out of his shoulders in another wave of heat. His own tears mix with mine then, hot and fiery like him, they soothe as they wash away the remaining ice on my face.
“I know.” He exhales as he wraps a blanket around me and buries himself deeper into the foxhole. Sara must have finished, and sure enough, my side feels numb now, and cool. She truly could work magic.
There’s a battle to be won though, and I go to urge Cal to leave, until I hear the cries of victory, and the shouts of the Reds as they leap out of the trench, guns blazing determined to not lose their victory. I hear it all, and it is like a dream from another world. Cal glances up at the lip of the trench, and then back down at me, a tiny smile on his lips as he says, “Welcome back, Mare.”
My lips pull up into a smile and I pull his face down to mine, where his lips crash against mine as well. Safe, safe, safe, the word rings in my head over and over again, and more tears join as I realize that for the first time in months, maybe even years, it’s true.
By 1930 I shepherd you into your son’s room, and I told you to find your husband because the doctors wanted to give you the results of the scan. I joked about our bedside service, and had a smile, but the fellow had already told me the news. I hope you I wasn’t being flippant in retrospect.
By 2010 I could hear your wails from 3 rooms down while trying to finish my med pass quickly. You knew that your son had a baseball sized tumor in his brainstem, inoperable and 100% fatal.
By 2120 I was moving your large, tearful extended family into various consultation rooms. I grabbed kleenex boxes in bulk. I wanted you to be settled, and supported because my charge was threatening me with another admission and my other patients were on their call lights.
By 2250 your son had finally made his way back from MRI and I met him for the first time. And I could put a face to your anguish.
By 0100 you and your husband decided that you both couldn’t sleep anyway. So I found you an empty room to shower in so you wouldn’t disturb your son while he slept.
By 0450 you tearfully asked me if it was it was normal to be extremely nauseous. I sat you down with a ginger ale and some saltines. You asked me if I saw miracles, I don’t know what I said. But I doubt that matters. You just needed someone to share your pain with. Thankfully someone else fielded a call from a resident, so I could kneel next to you until my legs were numb.
By 0720 I had finished my handoff with the day shift nurse. You were sitting next to your son with the bounty you secured from the hospital gift shop. Your husband next to you, but his eyes suggested he was a million miles away. I tried to say my goodbyes, but some of the residents were in the room examining your son and that’s where your attention needed to be.
By 0745 a friend kindly drove me home. She remarked about how messed up that this is our job. I cried quietly in the shower, hoping that I was enough for you for that shift.