So here is a bunch of AU’s that I’ve collected over…. a long time. Enjoy
I broke your nose in a mosh pit, sorry
I hit you with my car and was the only one to visit you in the hospital, this is sort of awkward, are you okay?
You’re getting chased by the police and you just jumped in my car and yelled drive, wtf man
You just punched me in the face while gesturing wildly to a friend, your friend can’t stop laughing and im too shocked to respond to your apologies
You laughed in a restaurant, but your laugh is really weird and I thought you were choking so I’m awkwardly humping you while attempting to perform the Heimlich manoeuvre and why isn’t this working, you’re just choking harder now this is aweful
We met on a Sunday morning, both doing our walk of shame
I get really sick on roller-coasters and you are sitting in front of me, im so sorry
You’re the bastard who keeps parking in front of my house and you just caught me drawing a dick on your window with a permanent marker… ugh, oops.
I work at a department store and if you take out and unfold another fucking shirt and just leave it, I’m going to fucking shove it down your throat
You broke into my apartment drunk thinking it was your friends place and I should call the cops by my cat likes you so????
You’re my new dealer and you just friended me on Facebook and idk how to react to that
You saw me reading the same book you are and now we are arguing about the motives of the antagonist
This is a five-hour-long plane ride, we’re sitting together and you’re deathly afraid of flying.
I got into a cab to find someone already inside
You thought I was your friend/sister
Holy shit, im in the wrong car.
I was walking by a roller coaster and your shoe flew off and hit me in the head and now I’m on the floor trying not to fall unconscious.
It’s 2am and I’m drunk and I need some salt for my fries and I know your awake so OPEN THE FUCKING DOOR
You fell asleep on me in the subway and I should probably wake you up and its my stop next stop but it’s okay, I can always just catch the subway back…
I know nothing about camping and all my friends left me at the site. Please, help me, I think I just heard a bear
This has been a shitty week and you just grabbed the last box of my favourite comfort food from the shelf, do you really want to fight me rn?
We met in a movie theatre and now you’re clinging to me because your terrified and I’m okay with that because it means I get your popcorn.
You had a party and I got really drunk and stole your microwave, so now I’m at your place and your super hungover so here, I made breakfast?
The guy living below me has a really loud alarm clock that always wakes me up at the crack of dawn
I went to investigate a scream and found my neighbour standing on a chair to avoid a rat/mouse/cricket (etc.)
My neighbour has a really squeaky bed and my bedroom is below theirs
You keep stealing my doormat and HAH, I’ve got you this time thief!
The apartment above me has left their tap on or something and water is leaking through my ceiling
My neighbour’s sibling got the wrong house number and barged into my apartment on accident.
My roommate keeps stealing my coffee so now I make extra
You’re my new neighbour and wow man, you have some really weird habits.
You’re my neighbour and you are stealing my wifi to watch porn and can you not?
You locked yourself outside of your apartment and there’s a storm rolling in and I pity you so please come into my apartment I’ll make you hot chocolate?
I heard you singing at 3 am and joined in and now you’re at my door and wtf mate I think your drunk but your voice is really nice so?
I just set the fire alarm in our building off again… sorry. I know its like the fourth time this week…
You keep mowing your lawn when I’m trying to sleep and seriously FUCK YOU
My new neighbour is really hot and wow I didn’t even like women until now? And now she is in the garden planting flowers in her bikini wow… im in too deep
It’s 3 am and you’re blasting off classic rock at full volume and your music taste might be awesome but soME PEOPLE are trying to sLEEP
We’ve never met but we shower at the same time and our showers are on opposite sides of the same apartment wall so sometimes we start duets?
I’m out walking and my dog started chasing your dog.
My cat/dog ran away and you just found it but refuse to accept the reward.
We are neighbours and your cat got my cat pregnant… so, wanna raise this little kitty family?
My pet tarantula/snake (etc) escaped and I forgot to warn the guy below me who is terrified of snakes/spiders
I need you to pet sit my pet for a while and I forgot to mention it’s a snake, the mice are in the freezer. Thanks, bye
My cat really hates you cat and that’s the third time this week I’ve had to pry them apart.
My cat keeps breaking into your apartment and it ate all your plants… dinner to make up for it?
My cat sneaked out on the balcony and into your open window and he has this habit of destroying furniture and pissing everywhere so I followed him inside and you cam home earlier than I expected and found me in the middle of your living room and honestly I’m not a burglar
Your dog likes me a thousand times better than she likes your partner and sorry not sorry I love this dog
You were walking your dog when you found me passed out on a park bench and thank you for waking me up and buying coffee instead of stealing my wallet
I’m on a bus and wow, you’re singing really loudly and everyone is giving you weird looks, hey bud, tone it down, also great choice in music
You play Double Bass/Cello and I play 1st chair Violin and we keep making eye contact and damn your super cute.
You play in an orchestra and I love these songs so much, plus you’re really cute. Shit man, you’ll never notice me in the huge crowd…
Music is kinda illegal and my friend just died and apparently he wrote music and wow I want to know what it sounds like and to play it at his funeral but I don’t know how to. You’re a well-known music dealer, do you happen to understand these notes? Can you help me?
I tried to act cool at this concert and I thought I was leaning on a wall but apparently it was a speaker and now it’s on the ground in pieces and everyone’s glaring at me… sorry?
I’m a wizard and I just accidently apparated into your house. Oops.
I died over 2000 years ago and you’ve been dead for like 2 hours, man, damn it now I have to explain this shit to you. Great.
I’m immortal and you’re mortal and I don’t know how to explain this to you and soon enough you’re going to realise that I’m not aging… shiiittt
You’re a greek god and I’m the roman counterpart.
I’m a ghost and your alive and I think I’m in love with you…. Fuck.
You’re a faun and I’m a Satry
I’m half demon and people often judge me based on my looks, but your blind and wow you actually like me?
I’m a time traveller and I went back in time and wow I think I’m in love with you, fuck this isn’t good, I just faked being George Washington… wait what? George Washington doesn’t exist here? Shit… I actually am George Washington.
I’m a writer and your my character and wtf how the heck did you just literally climb out of my first draft?
I’m a werewolf but I don’t want to tell you because my wolf form might be that really small chihuahua you keep mentioning you see when I go out…
I’m an android and you’re a human and wow what is that warmth I feel when I see you?
I’m a homesick telepath and you’re the poor soul who is receiving all these emotions, sorry
Somehow I’m in your body and you’re in mine and shit man being this close to the ground is fucked up.
I’m a genie an d you rubbed my lamp so congrats you get three wishes but you can’t seem to think of shit and why the fuck do I have to be stuck with you? Hurry up and think of some wishes okay?
I was an awful angel and as punishment I have to be your guardian angel and wow your super cute and nice but I still hate you
You keep having strange dreams that turn out to be us in a past life and you’re determined to fine me again but in this life I’m already dead.
We live in the year 3090, you’re a scientist and I’m your assistant. Unfortunately and experiment goes wrong and I die. Now you’re trying to put my brain into a robot but its not the same
I’m a vampire and I have a moment of weakness, you’re nearby and lets just say it doesn’t end well
I’m a dragon and you’re a really hot prince, that’s right, they locked up the wrong royalty.
You’re a pirate and I’m a siren and woah… are you asexual? That’s so cool, hey wait, don’t go I just want to talk
Your mirror is a doorway into my dimension and I can see everything….
Listen I am genetically modified and you WILL let me hide in your house
Ok, so I panicked and kissed this human so he wouldn’t drown. And I know you don’t want me to keep him, and we can’t let him leave if he knows about us mere people so what do you want to do?
I just got partnered with you in dance class and I can’t dance for shit
You’re my science lab partner and how the fuck did you just explode that beaker?
I’m an art student and you just found my sketchbook and you’re going through it. Shit man can you give that back, I don’t care how good you think they are just don’t turn that page…
You’re the school dork and I’m the school jock and fuck you can see where this is going
We are the only two kids who ride this school bus, maybe we should carpool?
I thought you were my roomies new boyfriend so I invited you in but your actually the RA of the dorm and now you think I want to have sex with you
I accidently flooded the laundry room and you really need to do laundry
You’re sitting in my seat in this lecture and who even are you? I’ve never seen you before… wait what, stop checking me out!
We argued so much during a class discussion that we both got kicked out and we’re still arguing outside the class
You left your USB in the library computer and I had to go through your files to figure out who you are and in the end I read the entirety of this book you’re working on and wow you’re really good?
I’m a traditional painter who has to take a basic Photoshop class, you’re a graphic design major sitting next to me and getting sucked into helping me out because Im so shitty at this
My pottery bowl exploded in the kiln and I feel like a failure, you found me crying about it in the hallway and are now trying to comfort me and your sweater is really soft wow sorry
You and your friends have been playing the penis game in the library for the last five minutes and none of you have gotten above a quiet yell and fuck it I’m trying to study over her so fuck you I’m going to put an end to this game by winning
We are both teachers and at the end of the year we compare how many gifts we’ve received from student and you’ve won for the past three years
Romeo and Juliet of the math and English departments
I want to get along with you roomie… but I like star wars… and you like star trek… this isn’t going to work.
I usually talk to my friends through morse code in class but… apparently you know morse too… and now you know I think your butt is cute
I got cursed and turned into an animal and taken to the shelter and now I’m being adopted by someone who is really hot OH FUCKING NO
Near Death Experiences
Wow I was just in a fatal accident and who the hell are you? What is this I’m I dying? Wait no, I don’t want this, how do I get out of it? A deal you say, I’ll take it.
You’re an executioner and I’m about to be executed but you can’t seem to run the guillotine, wait what, why are we running away, man you’re my favourite executioner
Our plane/boat crashed and now it’s just us on this island.
I just took a super dangerous job and your trying to talk me out of it, but we really need the money
It’s the middle of a war and I’m on a ship that you’re ship just torpedoed. Now I’m a prisoner and wow why can’t I feel my legs. I’m not cooperating until I can feel them again. What the fuck do you mean I’m paralysed?
I’m addicted to ____ (drugs/alcohol etc) and you found me in an alleyway due to after effects of my addiction (beat up, overdose etc) and decide to take me in.
I sold my soul to bring you back to life and I don’t have long left please make this time count
Mistaken and Secret Identities
I’m a thief/hacker/murder and you’ve found out my identity and have been bugging me for days to take you on as your partner
I’m a superhero and you want to be like me but in doing so become a supervillain, what do you mean you don’t understand why I’m punching you?
I’m a superhero, you’re a supervillain, but we don’t know each other’s identities and we are actually best friends
I’m runaway royalty and you’re a commoner, fuck I’m so screwed I need your help, I’ll explain later
You think I’m a celebrity and you’re talking too much for me to explain I am defintely not… that dude. What was his name again?
You’re a superhero and I’m your best friend and what the fuck man? Why the hell didn’t you tell me? If you had maybe I would be fucking caught with this stupid ass monologue-ing villain
I have a very cute neighbour and very thin walls and one day I call you and err… your moans are very synchronised with my neighbour's…
I’m a superhero and you’re a supervillain and I saw you visiting kids at the children’s hospital and letting them act like they defeated you and now it’s really hard to punch you in the face
Your my mailman and I can’t help but notice that you linger at my door slightly longer than you need to ever since you saw me that one time. Do you want to come inside?
I’m a private detective and your my client and fuck man you’re in some deep shit
You’re a protester and I’m a police officer. Seriously can you please calm down a little bit, this is my job not my beliefs.
I’m a make-up artist/hair stylist and I you’re an actor/model and are you flirting or???
You’re a celebrity and sorry mate, I have to take pictures to pay rent, I know its invasive seriously, sorry
You’re a store clerk and fuck, is that my ex? Can I please hide behind this counter?
You’re a lifeguard at my kid’s swimming competition and I fell in the pool with all my clothes on and you awkwardly tried to save me even though I didn’t need it.
You work at a pet store and I came in to look at tarantulas but somehow we lost the biggest one and its loose somewhere in the store and it really doesn’t help that you’re terrified of spiders
I’m a firefighter and you started a fire in your kitchen but you’re still flirting with me even though you’re not wearing pants and I’m carrying you down a ladder. Stop complimenting my muscles for fucks sake
We work at the same company and I kind of had a crush on you until I noticed that you’re the asshole stealing my lunch from the office fridge.
I’m a firefighter and you live near the station I work at and we talk/flirt with each other a lot. One day me and my team get called to put out a fire and it’s your home ablaze. You don’t make it.
I work at a fruit store and you come in almost every day and rearrange stuff on the shelves and then leave. Today you made the apples spell ‘call me’
It’s 2am and I was just trying to get home but I left my sunroof open all day and now there’s a squirrel in my car and it scared me and I drove into a pole - stop laughing! You’re a cop, aren’t you supposed to be helping?
You’re drunk and want my name tattooed on your ass.
You always bring your dates to the restaurant I wait at and now you’re here alone… you okay mate?
It’s snowing and I usually walk to work but that’s not happening, hey roomie, can you please drive me? Yes I know its 4am
I accidently gave all my winter clothes to charity over the summer and not its not so much summer, but I’m broke and hey… could you give me your old winter clothes… maybe?
I love the cold, but I promised to visit you for a good 4 months and wow, why did I do this? There isn’t snow here?
I don’t know you, but you just threw a snowball at my face, mate, its on.
I don’t know who the hell you are, but my roommate has someone over and It’s really cold outside…. Can I come in? Or like, have a blanket, or even a towel?
I knew you in high school and I ran into you at a renaissance fair wearing full knight regalia
I met you once when I was 12, we started a pen-pal relationship across the world and haven’t stopped even though we are a lot older now.
You were my best friend when we were younger but your family moved to the other side of the world, and we haven’t talked in years. But now your back and wow how did you recognise me when I can’t even remember your name?
I hired you to be my date for a wedding but your super cute, maybe we cannot fake-date?
I’m fake dating you to have someone to vent to on family gatherings while also pissing off my conservative uncle that I never liked and wow… have your eyes always been this nice?
We’re both cosplayers and we somehow always manage to meet each other at cons dressed as a popular ship and people always want photos of us in compromising positions and so we always end up fake-dating the entire day but you’re actually really hot and I’m head over heels for you
My friend dragged me to this party and I just saw my ex, quick make out with me, I’ll pay you.
I’m blind and wow your voice is absolutely beautiful can you just keep talking? Forever? Please?
My younger sibling is besties with your sibling and even though we hate each other I guess we’ve got to start hanging out a little
We are both at a grocery store at am and you offered to arm wrestle me for the last box of cereal, its on!
You’re sleeping on my best friend’s couch while your house is being renovated and you have really weird habits like attempting to sing opera in the shower and you keep eating all my Nutigrain
We bump into each other every Friday at the supermarket to buy the same ice-cream and maybe we should eat it together?
Our parents are dating and thank god I’m not the only one pissed off about this
I went to museum to get some inspiration and then I saw you staring at one of the paintings in awe and wow you just noticed me drawing you and this is awkward
I decide to take a shortcut home that involves crawling through a really tight hole in a fence and I end up getting stuck and you just happened to pass by and now you’re laughing at me
I took a bunch of free condoms from health services just because I could and they all fell out of my bag at once and now you’re staring at me weirdly
We are trapped in a bank during a robbery
Your country is trying to take over mine and I might be a little attracted to you and stop this it’s really hard to retaliate okay?
I was on my balcony and you started loudly quoting romeo and juliet at me
I think what irks me the most about patriarchal theory is that, when one points out the myriad instances in which men suffer (e.g. suicide, homicide, workplace death, homelessness, etc.), feminists will invariably either deny the existence of these issues or will backpedal and say, “well the patriarchy hurts men, too.” The former claim is deplorable, and plainly so. But the latter is equally wrong. As well-intentioned as it sounds (and often is, as many feminists do mean well), it’s nothing more than a backhanded way of saying it’s men’s fault that they are suffering.
And that sounds an awful lot like victim blaming to me.
An all-night barbeque. A dance on the courthouse lawn.
The radio aches a little tune that tells the story of what the night
is thinking. It’s thinking of love.
It’s thinking of stabbing us to death
and leaving our bodies in a dumpster.
That’s a nice touch, stains in the night, whiskey and kisses for everyone.
Tonight, by the freeway, a man eating fruit pie with a buckknife
carves the likeness of his lover’s face into the motel wall. I like him
and I want to be like him, my hands no longer an afterthought.
Someone once told me that explaining is an admission of failure.
I’m sure you remember, I was on the phone with you, sweetheart.
History repeats itself. Somebody says this.
History throws its shadow over the beginning, over the desktop,
over the sock drawer with its socks, its hidden letters.
History is a little man in a brown suit
trying to define a room he is outside of.
I know history. There are many names in history
but none of them are ours.
He had green eyes,
so I wanted to sleep with him—
green eyes flecked with yellow, dried leaves on the surface of a pool-
You could drown in those eyes, I said.
The fact of his pulse,
the way he pulled his body in, out of shyness or shame or a desire
not to disturb the air around him.
Everyone could see the way his muscles worked,
the way we look like animals,
his skin barely keeping him inside.
I wanted to take him home
and rough him up and get my hands inside him, drive my body into his
like a crash test car.
I wanted to be wanted and he was
very beautiful, kissed with his eyes closed, and only felt good while moving.
You could drown in those eyes, I said,
so it’s summer, so it’s suicide,
so we’re helpless in sleep and struggling at the bottom of the pool.
It wasn’t until we were well past the middle of it
that we realized
the old dull pain, whose stitched wrists and clammy fingers,
far from being subverted,
had only slipped underneath us, freshly scrubbed.
Mirrors and shop windows returned our faces to us,
replete with the tight lips and the eyes that remained eyes
and not the doorways we had hoped for.
His wounds healed, the skin a bit thicker than before,
scars like train tracks on his arms and on his body underneath his shirt.
We still groped for each other on the backstairs or in parked cars
as the roads around us
grew glossy with ice and our breath softened the view through a glass
already laced with frost,
but more frequently I was finding myself sleepless, and he was running out
But damn if there isn’t anything sexier
than a slender boy with a handgun,
a fast car, a bottle of pills.
What would you like? I’d like my money’s worth.
Try explaining a life bundled with episodes of this—
swallowing mud, swallowing glass, the smell of blood
on the first four knuckles.
We pull our boots on with both hands
but we can’t punch ourselves awake and all I can do
is stand on the curb and say Sorry
about the blood in your mouth. I wish it was mine.
I couldn’t get the boy to kill me, but I wore his jacket for the longest time.
“I used to read Law books,” he said, drawing away from her. “the parts about parabatai. I read them a million times. There’s never been a case of a pair of parabatai who fell in love and got caught and were forgiven. Only horror stories (…) But the horror stories are only about the ones who got caught” He breathed in deep, holding her gaze. “If we’re careful,we won’t be.”
i want to tell you you’ve always been beautiful but you’d think it’s a lie and i’m you so a part of me thinks it’s a lie too.
i want to tell you you’re strong, and at least this i can half believe, spin a spider’s web, echoes in the silk of a girl who laid down the knife.
i want to tell you that you’re still young, there’s still time. that the sun always rises and even when it has to set the stars will be waiting-
-but i know you better than you know me and better than anyone i know there is little i could tell you that we’d both believe.
so i won’t tell you you’re young- you’d scoff and roll your eyes, assume i’m just another grown up who thinks they know better. i won’t tell you you’re strong because i know that our strength grew and the you that is you and not yet me might only carry the seed, still just kindling to be coaxed. i won’t tell you you’re beautiful but i hope ten years down the line there’s another us who knows better. maybe she’ll write us both a letter.
instead, i’ll tell you i love you because even if you don’t believe it it’s still true and i know you need to hear it because i do too. i love you.