So here is a bunch of AU’s that I’ve collected over…. a long time. Enjoy
I broke your nose in a mosh pit, sorry
I hit you with my car and was the only one to visit you in the hospital, this is sort of awkward, are you okay?
You’re getting chased by the police and you just jumped in my car and yelled drive, wtf man
You just punched me in the face while gesturing wildly to a friend, your friend can’t stop laughing and im too shocked to respond to your apologies
You laughed in a restaurant, but your laugh is really weird and I thought you were choking so I’m awkwardly humping you while attempting to perform the Heimlich manoeuvre and why isn’t this working, you’re just choking harder now this is aweful
We met on a Sunday morning, both doing our walk of shame
I get really sick on roller-coasters and you are sitting in front of me, im so sorry
You’re the bastard who keeps parking in front of my house and you just caught me drawing a dick on your window with a permanent marker… ugh, oops.
I work at a department store and if you take out and unfold another fucking shirt and just leave it, I’m going to fucking shove it down your throat
You broke into my apartment drunk thinking it was your friends place and I should call the cops by my cat likes you so????
You’re my new dealer and you just friended me on Facebook and idk how to react to that
You saw me reading the same book you are and now we are arguing about the motives of the antagonist
This is a five-hour-long plane ride, we’re sitting together and you’re deathly afraid of flying.
I got into a cab to find someone already inside
You thought I was your friend/sister
Holy shit, im in the wrong car.
I was walking by a roller coaster and your shoe flew off and hit me in the head and now I’m on the floor trying not to fall unconscious.
It’s 2am and I’m drunk and I need some salt for my fries and I know your awake so OPEN THE FUCKING DOOR
You fell asleep on me in the subway and I should probably wake you up and its my stop next stop but it’s okay, I can always just catch the subway back…
I know nothing about camping and all my friends left me at the site. Please, help me, I think I just heard a bear
This has been a shitty week and you just grabbed the last box of my favourite comfort food from the shelf, do you really want to fight me rn?
We met in a movie theatre and now you’re clinging to me because your terrified and I’m okay with that because it means I get your popcorn.
You had a party and I got really drunk and stole your microwave, so now I’m at your place and your super hungover so here, I made breakfast?
The guy living below me has a really loud alarm clock that always wakes me up at the crack of dawn
I went to investigate a scream and found my neighbour standing on a chair to avoid a rat/mouse/cricket (etc.)
My neighbour has a really squeaky bed and my bedroom is below theirs
You keep stealing my doormat and HAH, I’ve got you this time thief!
The apartment above me has left their tap on or something and water is leaking through my ceiling
My neighbour’s sibling got the wrong house number and barged into my apartment on accident.
My roommate keeps stealing my coffee so now I make extra
You’re my new neighbour and wow man, you have some really weird habits.
You’re my neighbour and you are stealing my wifi to watch porn and can you not?
You locked yourself outside of your apartment and there’s a storm rolling in and I pity you so please come into my apartment I’ll make you hot chocolate?
I heard you singing at 3 am and joined in and now you’re at my door and wtf mate I think your drunk but your voice is really nice so?
I just set the fire alarm in our building off again… sorry. I know its like the fourth time this week…
You keep mowing your lawn when I’m trying to sleep and seriously FUCK YOU
My new neighbour is really hot and wow I didn’t even like women until now? And now she is in the garden planting flowers in her bikini wow… im in too deep
It’s 3 am and you’re blasting off classic rock at full volume and your music taste might be awesome but soME PEOPLE are trying to sLEEP
We’ve never met but we shower at the same time and our showers are on opposite sides of the same apartment wall so sometimes we start duets?
I’m out walking and my dog started chasing your dog.
My cat/dog ran away and you just found it but refuse to accept the reward.
We are neighbours and your cat got my cat pregnant… so, wanna raise this little kitty family?
My pet tarantula/snake (etc) escaped and I forgot to warn the guy below me who is terrified of snakes/spiders
I need you to pet sit my pet for a while and I forgot to mention it’s a snake, the mice are in the freezer. Thanks, bye
My cat really hates you cat and that’s the third time this week I’ve had to pry them apart.
My cat keeps breaking into your apartment and it ate all your plants… dinner to make up for it?
My cat sneaked out on the balcony and into your open window and he has this habit of destroying furniture and pissing everywhere so I followed him inside and you cam home earlier than I expected and found me in the middle of your living room and honestly I’m not a burglar
Your dog likes me a thousand times better than she likes your partner and sorry not sorry I love this dog
You were walking your dog when you found me passed out on a park bench and thank you for waking me up and buying coffee instead of stealing my wallet
I’m on a bus and wow, you’re singing really loudly and everyone is giving you weird looks, hey bud, tone it down, also great choice in music
You play Double Bass/Cello and I play 1st chair Violin and we keep making eye contact and damn your super cute.
You play in an orchestra and I love these songs so much, plus you’re really cute. Shit man, you’ll never notice me in the huge crowd…
Music is kinda illegal and my friend just died and apparently he wrote music and wow I want to know what it sounds like and to play it at his funeral but I don’t know how to. You’re a well-known music dealer, do you happen to understand these notes? Can you help me?
I tried to act cool at this concert and I thought I was leaning on a wall but apparently it was a speaker and now it’s on the ground in pieces and everyone’s glaring at me… sorry?
I’m a wizard and I just accidently apparated into your house. Oops.
I died over 2000 years ago and you’ve been dead for like 2 hours, man, damn it now I have to explain this shit to you. Great.
I’m immortal and you’re mortal and I don’t know how to explain this to you and soon enough you’re going to realise that I’m not aging… shiiittt
You’re a greek god and I’m the roman counterpart.
I’m a ghost and your alive and I think I’m in love with you…. Fuck.
You’re a faun and I’m a Satry
I’m half demon and people often judge me based on my looks, but your blind and wow you actually like me?
I’m a time traveller and I went back in time and wow I think I’m in love with you, fuck this isn’t good, I just faked being George Washington… wait what? George Washington doesn’t exist here? Shit… I actually am George Washington.
I’m a writer and your my character and wtf how the heck did you just literally climb out of my first draft?
I’m a werewolf but I don’t want to tell you because my wolf form might be that really small chihuahua you keep mentioning you see when I go out…
I’m an android and you’re a human and wow what is that warmth I feel when I see you?
I’m a homesick telepath and you’re the poor soul who is receiving all these emotions, sorry
Somehow I’m in your body and you’re in mine and shit man being this close to the ground is fucked up.
I’m a genie an d you rubbed my lamp so congrats you get three wishes but you can’t seem to think of shit and why the fuck do I have to be stuck with you? Hurry up and think of some wishes okay?
I was an awful angel and as punishment I have to be your guardian angel and wow your super cute and nice but I still hate you
You keep having strange dreams that turn out to be us in a past life and you’re determined to fine me again but in this life I’m already dead.
We live in the year 3090, you’re a scientist and I’m your assistant. Unfortunately and experiment goes wrong and I die. Now you’re trying to put my brain into a robot but its not the same
I’m a vampire and I have a moment of weakness, you’re nearby and lets just say it doesn’t end well
I’m a dragon and you’re a really hot prince, that’s right, they locked up the wrong royalty.
You’re a pirate and I’m a siren and woah… are you asexual? That’s so cool, hey wait, don’t go I just want to talk
Your mirror is a doorway into my dimension and I can see everything….
Listen I am genetically modified and you WILL let me hide in your house
Ok, so I panicked and kissed this human so he wouldn’t drown. And I know you don’t want me to keep him, and we can’t let him leave if he knows about us mere people so what do you want to do?
I just got partnered with you in dance class and I can’t dance for shit
You’re my science lab partner and how the fuck did you just explode that beaker?
I’m an art student and you just found my sketchbook and you’re going through it. Shit man can you give that back, I don’t care how good you think they are just don’t turn that page…
You’re the school dork and I’m the school jock and fuck you can see where this is going
We are the only two kids who ride this school bus, maybe we should carpool?
I thought you were my roomies new boyfriend so I invited you in but your actually the RA of the dorm and now you think I want to have sex with you
I accidently flooded the laundry room and you really need to do laundry
You’re sitting in my seat in this lecture and who even are you? I’ve never seen you before… wait what, stop checking me out!
We argued so much during a class discussion that we both got kicked out and we’re still arguing outside the class
You left your USB in the library computer and I had to go through your files to figure out who you are and in the end I read the entirety of this book you’re working on and wow you’re really good?
I’m a traditional painter who has to take a basic Photoshop class, you’re a graphic design major sitting next to me and getting sucked into helping me out because Im so shitty at this
My pottery bowl exploded in the kiln and I feel like a failure, you found me crying about it in the hallway and are now trying to comfort me and your sweater is really soft wow sorry
You and your friends have been playing the penis game in the library for the last five minutes and none of you have gotten above a quiet yell and fuck it I’m trying to study over her so fuck you I’m going to put an end to this game by winning
We are both teachers and at the end of the year we compare how many gifts we’ve received from student and you’ve won for the past three years
Romeo and Juliet of the math and English departments
I want to get along with you roomie… but I like star wars… and you like star trek… this isn’t going to work.
I usually talk to my friends through morse code in class but… apparently you know morse too… and now you know I think your butt is cute
I got cursed and turned into an animal and taken to the shelter and now I’m being adopted by someone who is really hot OH FUCKING NO
Near Death Experiences
Wow I was just in a fatal accident and who the hell are you? What is this I’m I dying? Wait no, I don’t want this, how do I get out of it? A deal you say, I’ll take it.
You’re an executioner and I’m about to be executed but you can’t seem to run the guillotine, wait what, why are we running away, man you’re my favourite executioner
Our plane/boat crashed and now it’s just us on this island.
I just took a super dangerous job and your trying to talk me out of it, but we really need the money
It’s the middle of a war and I’m on a ship that you’re ship just torpedoed. Now I’m a prisoner and wow why can’t I feel my legs. I’m not cooperating until I can feel them again. What the fuck do you mean I’m paralysed?
I’m addicted to ____ (drugs/alcohol etc) and you found me in an alleyway due to after effects of my addiction (beat up, overdose etc) and decide to take me in.
I sold my soul to bring you back to life and I don’t have long left please make this time count
Mistaken and Secret Identities
I’m a thief/hacker/murder and you’ve found out my identity and have been bugging me for days to take you on as your partner
I’m a superhero and you want to be like me but in doing so become a supervillain, what do you mean you don’t understand why I’m punching you?
I’m a superhero, you’re a supervillain, but we don’t know each other’s identities and we are actually best friends
I’m runaway royalty and you’re a commoner, fuck I’m so screwed I need your help, I’ll explain later
You think I’m a celebrity and you’re talking too much for me to explain I am defintely not… that dude. What was his name again?
You’re a superhero and I’m your best friend and what the fuck man? Why the hell didn’t you tell me? If you had maybe I would be fucking caught with this stupid ass monologue-ing villain
I have a very cute neighbour and very thin walls and one day I call you and err… your moans are very synchronised with my neighbour's…
I’m a superhero and you’re a supervillain and I saw you visiting kids at the children’s hospital and letting them act like they defeated you and now it’s really hard to punch you in the face
Your my mailman and I can’t help but notice that you linger at my door slightly longer than you need to ever since you saw me that one time. Do you want to come inside?
I’m a private detective and your my client and fuck man you’re in some deep shit
You’re a protester and I’m a police officer. Seriously can you please calm down a little bit, this is my job not my beliefs.
I’m a make-up artist/hair stylist and I you’re an actor/model and are you flirting or???
You’re a celebrity and sorry mate, I have to take pictures to pay rent, I know its invasive seriously, sorry
You’re a store clerk and fuck, is that my ex? Can I please hide behind this counter?
You’re a lifeguard at my kid’s swimming competition and I fell in the pool with all my clothes on and you awkwardly tried to save me even though I didn’t need it.
You work at a pet store and I came in to look at tarantulas but somehow we lost the biggest one and its loose somewhere in the store and it really doesn’t help that you’re terrified of spiders
I’m a firefighter and you started a fire in your kitchen but you’re still flirting with me even though you’re not wearing pants and I’m carrying you down a ladder. Stop complimenting my muscles for fucks sake
We work at the same company and I kind of had a crush on you until I noticed that you’re the asshole stealing my lunch from the office fridge.
I’m a firefighter and you live near the station I work at and we talk/flirt with each other a lot. One day me and my team get called to put out a fire and it’s your home ablaze. You don’t make it.
I work at a fruit store and you come in almost every day and rearrange stuff on the shelves and then leave. Today you made the apples spell ‘call me’
It’s 2am and I was just trying to get home but I left my sunroof open all day and now there’s a squirrel in my car and it scared me and I drove into a pole - stop laughing! You’re a cop, aren’t you supposed to be helping?
You’re drunk and want my name tattooed on your ass.
You always bring your dates to the restaurant I wait at and now you’re here alone… you okay mate?
It’s snowing and I usually walk to work but that’s not happening, hey roomie, can you please drive me? Yes I know its 4am
I accidently gave all my winter clothes to charity over the summer and not its not so much summer, but I’m broke and hey… could you give me your old winter clothes… maybe?
I love the cold, but I promised to visit you for a good 4 months and wow, why did I do this? There isn’t snow here?
I don’t know you, but you just threw a snowball at my face, mate, its on.
I don’t know who the hell you are, but my roommate has someone over and It’s really cold outside…. Can I come in? Or like, have a blanket, or even a towel?
I knew you in high school and I ran into you at a renaissance fair wearing full knight regalia
I met you once when I was 12, we started a pen-pal relationship across the world and haven’t stopped even though we are a lot older now.
You were my best friend when we were younger but your family moved to the other side of the world, and we haven’t talked in years. But now your back and wow how did you recognise me when I can’t even remember your name?
I hired you to be my date for a wedding but your super cute, maybe we cannot fake-date?
I’m fake dating you to have someone to vent to on family gatherings while also pissing off my conservative uncle that I never liked and wow… have your eyes always been this nice?
We’re both cosplayers and we somehow always manage to meet each other at cons dressed as a popular ship and people always want photos of us in compromising positions and so we always end up fake-dating the entire day but you’re actually really hot and I’m head over heels for you
My friend dragged me to this party and I just saw my ex, quick make out with me, I’ll pay you.
I’m blind and wow your voice is absolutely beautiful can you just keep talking? Forever? Please?
My younger sibling is besties with your sibling and even though we hate each other I guess we’ve got to start hanging out a little
We are both at a grocery store at am and you offered to arm wrestle me for the last box of cereal, its on!
You’re sleeping on my best friend’s couch while your house is being renovated and you have really weird habits like attempting to sing opera in the shower and you keep eating all my Nutigrain
We bump into each other every Friday at the supermarket to buy the same ice-cream and maybe we should eat it together?
Our parents are dating and thank god I’m not the only one pissed off about this
I went to museum to get some inspiration and then I saw you staring at one of the paintings in awe and wow you just noticed me drawing you and this is awkward
I decide to take a shortcut home that involves crawling through a really tight hole in a fence and I end up getting stuck and you just happened to pass by and now you’re laughing at me
I took a bunch of free condoms from health services just because I could and they all fell out of my bag at once and now you’re staring at me weirdly
We are trapped in a bank during a robbery
Your country is trying to take over mine and I might be a little attracted to you and stop this it’s really hard to retaliate okay?
I was on my balcony and you started loudly quoting romeo and juliet at me
I think what irks me the most about patriarchal theory is that, when one points out the myriad instances in which men suffer (e.g. suicide, homicide, workplace death, homelessness, etc.), feminists will invariably either deny the existence of these issues or will backpedal and say, “well the patriarchy hurts men, too.” The former claim is deplorable, and plainly so. But the latter is equally wrong. As well-intentioned as it sounds (and often is, as many feminists do mean well), it’s nothing more than a backhanded way of saying it’s men’s fault that they are suffering.
And that sounds an awful lot like victim blaming to me.
You collect “I miss you” messages from people like trophies. This is why I’ll never send you one. But all the I miss yous trapped in me are bursting at the seams. So I write ‘I miss you’ on walls, type it on paper, say it to people I don’t care about and the words always come back to me knowing they belong only to you. The words angrily come back and wrap itself around my throat and my heart and it suffocates me.
But to choose one [respectable member], I would choose our leader, U-Know Yunho. As a leader, Yunho-hyung initially has to listen to all the outside comments whether it’s good or bad. And he cheers our members up saying “let’s do better” (fighting). And when we are all tired, he keeps us up, helps and leads us. Looking at that, I guess everyone has difficulties playing our own roles, but as a leader with the responsibility of leading us, Yunho has his own oppression. And I really respect that.
Feel free to send more in and if you’d like to get on my tag lists, let me know. i have a general fic, general art and general all set of tags, but can also do specifics (like if you’re only interested in Dean/Benny or DCJ or whatever) just let me know.
In the meantime, for the general fics tags, i’ve got @rosemoonweaver and @jdragon122 (who i think has seen them all already anyway!) everyone else, none of what i’ve written has fallen under your specific categories…oh well! enjoy!
A mother and her son just came through my checkout line at work. Now this mother is clearly overwhelmed so I try to distract the kid- he can’t be more than 6 years old. I ask what his name is and he says “I’m Jensen!” and I kind of smile and glance at the mother who glances at me and we share The Look of Mutual Understanding and I wonder if this kid’s father knows his son was named after Jensen Ackles.
I know what it’s like to sit on the couch and watch people on the news jump from buildings and not understand it.
I know what it’s like to sit there and imagine yourself in their place while not knowing why you’d even want to.
I know what it’s like to grow up in a family who gave you the perfect childhood with love and money and endless privilege and I know what it’s like for that to be used as an excuse as to why there should be nothing wrong with you at all.
I know what it’s like to wear long sleeves and torn jeans in the summer because keeping secret skin a secret means more than the southern heat and the salt seeping in.
I know what it’s like to want to talk about it with people you think you can trust but not talking about it because it’s not for attention, right?
I know what it’s like to think you bear your burdens alone.
I know what it’s like to feel like a stranger in your own skin and I know what it’s like to feel like you’re watching yourself from afar live a life you don’t even recognize.
I know what it’s like to wake up and paint over the cracks in your mask in order to smile just a little brighter so the questions won’t flood in from the people queued up that think you’re nothing less than stable and healthy and great.
I know what it’s like to stand beside a parent while they watch mental illness on the 11 o’clock news and whisper thank god that’s not my child.
I know what it’s like to watch the people you love sigh and shake their heads when he ends up in the hospital again because he wanted to kill himself for the third time this year, and I know what it’s like shoulder your guilt because apparently that what it is to them; an inconvenience in their otherwise normal lives.
I know what it’s like to be called lazy and useless because you’re not sick, no you’re not sick and you just need to get your act together. We all have bootstraps and it’s time you got a firm grip on yours.
I know what it’s like to have all the energy sapped from your body because your head is a leech and it wants to suck you dry of everything you once loved and enjoyed and sought pleasure in.
I know what it’s like to overthink your every action and I know what it’s like to condemn yourself because you feel as if you’re not deserving of anyone’s time or energy or glance.
I know what it’s like to feel the embrace of someone you thought you loved and I know what it’s like to take their sickness and make it yours and I know what it’s like to be hated for thinking the best course of action would be to cut it off like an infected limb. I know what it’s like to be the bad guy; the bad guy in someone’s story and the bad guy in your story and I know what it’s like to not be able to change the narrative no matter how hard you try.
I know what it’s like to watch the sun rise while you scribble in a journal hoping that maybe if you write one more sentence, catharsis will come and you won’t feel so alone anymore. I know what it’s like to beg and plead with yourself and I know what it’s like to reach out in the only ways you can to the people you thought would be there, only to find they’re just houses not homes. I know what it’s like to sleep in a bed for giants and wonder why you feel so goddamn small.
I know what it’s like to sit on the porch step and smoke an entire pack of cigarettes in order to keep your hands occupied; to have the smoke burn your throat so you don’t have to tear it out yourself.
I know what it’s like to feel the weight of a gun in your hand.
I know what it’s like to squeeze the trigger at some thin paper target you imagined yourself in and feel the kick ripple through your arms and connect into your chest.
And I know what it’s like to be home alone and have a muzzle pressed against your temple and I know what it’s like to be home alone and have that metal clank against your teeth because your hands are shaking too much and I know what it’s like to battle that voice in your head that does nothing but scream do it just fucking do it.
I know what it’s like to not know what the fuck is wrong with you and I know what it’s like to lay awake at night and ask the cold sheets next to you why you have to live a life like this. I know what it’s like to think about your own funeral and to count on your hands the number of people you think would maybe care.
I know what it’s like to not know what it’s like to be normal, and I know what it’s like to not be able to remember what normal even is.
But I also know what it’s like to empty a clip into your bare hands and palm each bullet before putting it all back safely. I know what it’s like to tell yourself not today not today not today.
I know what it’s like to stick around for one more song and I know what it’s like to keep moving forward even if you have to claw your way through every minute of every day.
I know what it’s like to laugh with the girl you think you could one day love. I know what it’s like to feel a small beat of your heart when your best friend reminds you you’re alive and you’re here and you exist in every moment of every day.
I know what it’s like to befriend the death sitting on your shoulder and I know what it’s like to tell him to fuck off.
I know what it’s like to lie down 100 feet beneath the sea and to realize there is probably nothing in death quite like the quiet you find there. I know what it’s like to walk through jungles and rainforests and feel the humidity coat your skin in simple pleasure. I know what it’s like to greet new cultures and speak in different tongues and I know what it’s like to find yourself in tiny pieces of big people and big places.
I know what it’s like to feel another hand in your own and I know what it’s like to find salvation in such a simple gesture. I know what it’s like to feel the warmth of someone’s back as they’re pressed against you, fast asleep.
I know what it’s like to suffer and I know what it’s like to thrive.
I know what it’s like to be human like you and you and you and you and I know what it’s like to know exactly what it’s like to wonder what comes next and if maybe you can stick around to greet it all.
I watched TV. I had a Coke at the bar. I had four dreams in a row
where you were burned, about to burn, or still on fire.
I watched TV. I had a Coke at the bar. I had four Cokes,
four dreams in a row.
Here you are in the straw house, feeding the straw dog. Here you are
in the wrong house, feeding the wrong dog. I had a Coke with ice.
I had four dreams on TV. You have a cold cold smile.
You were burned, you were about to burn, you’re still on fire.
Here you are in the straw house, feeding ice to the dog, and you wanted
an adventure, so I said Have an adventure.
The straw about to burn, the straw on fire. Here you are on the TV,
saying Watch me, just watch me.
Four dreams in a row, four dreams in a row, four dreams in a row,
fall down right there. I wanted to fall down right there but I knew
you wouldn’t catch me because you’re dead. I swallowed crushed ice
pretending it was glass and you’re dead. Ashes to ashes.
You wanted to be cremated so we cremated you and you wanted an adventure
so I ran and I knew you wouldn’t catch me.
You are a fever I am learning to live with, and everything is happening
at the wrong end of a very long tunnel.
I woke up in the morning and I didn’t want anything, didn’t do anything,
couldn’t do it anyway,
just lay there listening to the blood rush through me and it never made
any sense, anything.
And I can’t eat, can’t sleep, can’t sit still or fix things and I wake up and I
wake up and you’re still dead, you’re under the table, you’re still feeding
the damn dog, you’re cutting the room in half.
Whatever. Feed him whatever. Burn the straw house down.
I don’t really blame you for being dead but you can’t have your sweater back.
So, I said, now that we have our dead, what are we going to do with them?
There’s a black dog and there’s a white dog, depends on which you feed,
depends on which damn dog you live with.
Here we are
in the wrong tunnel, burn O burn, but it’s cold, I have clothes
all over my body, and it’s raining, it wasn’t supposed to. And there’s snow
on the TV, a landscape full of snow, falling from the fire-colored sky.
But thanks, thanks for calling it the blue sky
You can sleep now, you said. You can sleep now. You said that.
I had a dream where you said that. Thanks for saying that.
You weren’t supposed to.
also somehow i managed to learn one of the worst, if not the worst, word in urdu and i think its my favorite word.
the word basically is an adjective for someone who doesn’t respect themselves or their relations. like, lets say someone calls me a whore. my family members would take enormous offense to that and defend me.
now someone who is that adjective, would witness their sister being called a whore and would not retaliate in anyway, might not even be offended, and just generally not even care.
this is a very bad word. apparently you can get killed for it. it is very offensive.