i cannot remember his name

I’ve been drawing some ghost ‘mons recently so here is one of my many children. His name is Lloyd and he has a Bashful nature. 

Okay, so here’s a recollection of the best day of my fandom life? #ECCC

I’m usually just here to make short, dumb, spazzy comments, so bear with me, because this will probably be long. However, I’ll try not to be too repetitive and remember the interesting parts. ;) Apologies if the pics are effing huge. I don’t do this posting thing - ever. hahah

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The black cat that used to prowl the grounds in my apartment building is back after at least a year without seeing her once and I’m so happy i might very well cry.

TSUBAKI CHOU LONELY PLANET CHAPTER 41 TRANSLATIONS: I decided to translate this chapter because I was super curious and I’m sure some of you are too! SIDE NOTE: THIS IS THE ONLY TIME IM DOING THIS SO DO NOT EXPECT ANOTHER ONE FROM ME. THANK YOU!

Also, check out the raw first so you know whats going on. And also I apologize for getting some things wrong if they are! OK!

Check it out under the cut! 

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8

the digimon original gang all older and revamped im going to cry  

2

Could this be Julian Dahl?I don’t remember if we know his name? I still cannot believe THREE people joined Kosegruppa because of Isak, though the other two never stood a chance.

I didn’t think season 3 could get any better, but rewatching it now after Even’s confession makes it even more awesome. This show jfc…he saw Isak the first day, I will never be over this.

3

The Trek Out

The Berg Lake Trail, Mt. Robson Provincial Park, Canada

After waking up and seeing Emperor Falls, we now had to climb down what we just climbed up…so there was another 10 miles ahead of me. I was sore and tired from the 10 miles the day before but I was higher in spirit because the rain had cleared up and I had made it up the 3 mile 2,000 ft elevation gain hill.

We took our time going back and decided to skip our camping spot that night and get a hotel room to sleep in a bed for the first time in a week and to take some much needed hot showers. At the first rest stop/ campground we came to, we made breakfast and talked with some fellow backpackers on their way out to berg lake. I conversated with an older gentleman and I am bummed I cannot remember his name. He told me about his trek to the Everest Base Camp in Nepal and just how hard it was. I was so excited to hear about his trip because this is something I have always wanted to do. I was in awe, he told me how two people in his group were not conditioned well enough and had to be helicoptered out. He made me excited and made me even dream more of trekking to Everest. In return for our conversation he gave us each a laminated tag with a four leaf clover in it that said “Berg Lake Trail 2016″, a tag that his whole team was carrying, for good luck. A little moments for meeting fascinating people out on the Berg Lake Trail!

On the way out we noticed a marathon was beginning. We had trail runners flying past us head out toward Berg Lake and we were able to cheer them on. What amazed me is that the trail runners that were in first place beat us out of the trail! I was amazed they did what took us two days in about 5 hours. Oh man they looked weathered by the end of the run though. When we got to the car I don’t think my feet have ever been so happy to not carry me and a 20lb backpack anymore.

Although we had a bear container for our food and bear spray (good things to have in this part of the world)…we saw no bears :(……once we drove away, leaving the Berg Lake Trail behind, we immediately stopped for food and had ourselves a victory meal!

© Michelle Gefre | Trail the Sun

*DO NOT REMOVE CREDIT*

Head dipped so low his chin hit his chest, Javik sighed as he lifted a heavy hand lay it on hers. A trill ran up her back and over her crest at the contact. Carefully, Liara manoeuvred her grip to fit around his two fingers, and gave a comforting squeeze.

Already the shape of his melancholy sang alongside her own.

“Pah,” scorned Javik, studiously not meeting her eyes as his fingers curled around hers. “Now I cannot even remember her name!”

That Hunts on a Lonely Hill by Ninaunn

By far and large, That Hunts on a Lonely Hill is my favorite piece of Mass Effect fanfiction.  There are some close runners up but out of all of them this hits the spot for me like no other.  I continue to look forward to watching not only Javik and Liara develop as characters, and as a relationship, but the world that Ninaunn develops around them.  

The characters are on point, their issues never undervalued, and the breadth of the galaxy is so very real.

Seriously, read this fic if you haven’t.  You won’t regret it.

anonymous asked:

Does the evil hand guy (I cannot remember his name) masturbates with all those hands? I mean, he even call one daddy.

‘evil hand guy’ is Shigaraki Tomura

um maybe he calls it ‘father’ (FATHER not daddy) because it’s his father’s? just wondering

Ok so who remembers the Rankin-Bass claymation Christmas specials from way back when that are still aired every year? You know, like Rudolph, and Santa Clause is Coming to Town and Jack Frost and junk like that? Well, apparently, there is one that no one ever talks about and no one I’ve talked to has apparently ever heard of, and I feel like I need to tell people about this hilarious, disastrous masterpiece of a holiday classic, only known as Rudolph and Frosty’s Christmas in July.

I swear to god I’m not making this shit up. This was a real fuckin thing that came out in 1979 and its exactly what you fucking think it is. A real, legit crossover between Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer and Frosty the Snowman. And honestly every other damn Christmas figure under the sun, save for lil Baby JC, of course. You have Santa, Jack Frost, Frosty’s rando wife from that one animated special I can’t be bothered to look up, even that damn whale with the clock on its tale from the Rudolph New Year’s special (which yes, was also a real thing). 

So like, this shit actually doesn’t take place in December at all, but like in the middle of the goddamn summer, hence its title. Rudolph and Frosty are somehow besties (if not a little honestly gay for each other even though Frosty has a wife and two kids (watch the movie and you’ll see what I mean, its weird as fuck)). I mean god just look at these two bozos: 

Speaking of which, Frosty does have a wife and she’s kinda cool but he also has two little shitlet snow kids who are annoying as fuck and you wish would melt by the end of the movie (which is something that happens). 

But whatever. So apparently out of goddamn nowhere Rudolph’s nose starts blinking out like a malfunctioning lightbulb or something and then he passes out and just look at how randomly melodramatic this bullshit gets in the first ten minutes: 

And then they kissed. So yeah, something’s obviously wrong but who cares about any of that. Rudolph gets like, instantly better aight. Cause we have to move this stupid plot along somehow. 

So anyway, this rando in a hot air balloon comes by and he’s like, an ice cream man or something? (I’m honestly giving you the plot of this shit off the top of my head, I haven’t watched it in years). But anyway, this guy wants to bang this hot lady who works at a circus or whatever, but the circus is gonna go out of business, so dude’s all like “yo, Rudolph, Frosty, my dudes, ya’ll are a bunch of fucking freaks, why don’t you come down to the circus and like preform or whatever” and they’re both like “lol sure”

Oh but fuckin hold up, bitches cause if you thought this shit was a cutesy little silly story then ya’ll are dead wrong. Cause here’s where we get fucking deep into Christmas lore (I can’t even believe that’s a thing). So there’s this asshole: 

who’s some sort of winter wizard (think of a male, proto-Elsa but with a massive stick shoved up his ass), and he’s all pissy and whatever because way back in the day, dude kept freezing anyone’s ass who was trying to go near the North Pole because I dunno he’s trying to binge on Netflix and doesn’t want to be bothered. Still, the dudes kinda cool cause he as ice snakes or whatever: 

And this unholy magic mirror abomination thing that scared the shit out of me when I was a kid: 

But anyway, wizard dude’s a massive dickweed to everyone until this this bitch comes along:

And she’s like some sort of northern lights fairy or something? I don’t know. But she basically bitchslaps wizard dude hard enough to put him to sleep for hundreds of years, which allows one certain jolly old prowler to come settle in the North Pole: 

Yeah that’s right, Santa bitches. So Santa builds his sweatshop workshop and everyone’s chill and happy and great until dick wizard wakes up again and is super pissy this time, especially when he hears about Santa. So he’s like “fuck this noise, Imma send a crazy ass storm to kill that holly bastard”. So he does, and northern lights lady is like “aw shit I gotta stop that fucking bs”. So she does so in the stupidest fucking way ever, of course, by giving some of her unexplained glowy powers to a fucking newborn reindeer and that makes his nose glow and hence Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer was born. Yeah that’s right. You ever wanted to know the origin story of Rudolph the goddamned Red Nosed Reindeer? Well HERE IT FUCKING IS! AND ITS PROBABLY STUPIDER THAN YOU THOUGHT! 

So there’s like this one stipulation northern lights lady tells Rudolph about is deus ex machina nose: he can’t ever use it for evil or it’ll go out and like, ok fine. We gotta have a moral for the kiddies in this bout of fever dream insanity somewhere, right? So like yeah, years go by and the whole Rudolph song sequence happens and what do you know, Rudolph guides Santa’s sleigh through the storm and you know the rest. 

So back to our goddamn main story (I swear there are like 60 subplots in this thing). Dickweed wizard is still mad but he has a plan now. oooo. So remember the circus thing? yeah me neither because the story just fucking derailed with all that damn backstory. But anyway, so the gang wants to go to the circus, but oh no! Frosty and his fam will melt in the hot weather. So the obvious conclusion is for everyone to say, “nah man we can’t go” but then wizard dude comes along and is like “you i got a solution to ur prob” and he gives Frosty and fam all like these medallion things that’ll make it so they won’t melt until the forth of july fireworks or whatever? I don’t know how it works and the movie does not care, obviously. 

So everyone’s happy as hell and Santa’s like “Oh I’ll come too because I gotta have my time in the spotlight too, I’m motherfucking Santa Claus” but he says he can’t come with everyone else for reasons, so him and Mrs. Claus will come a few days later or whatever. So yeah. Everyone sets off in ice cream dude’s balloon: 

So they get to the circus and everything’s hunky dory. They meet the tightrope lady who ice cream dude is creaming for and her mom, who owns the circus and is probably the coolest thing in this movie. Mostly because she has guns and she’s trigger happy with them: 

So yeah a whole bunch of nothing happens for a long time. But then wizard dude goes to like?? this reindeer brothel or something??? I dunno, but he picks up this creepy sleeze bag reindeer, who I’m just gonna call Randolph because I honest to god cannot remember his real name: 

So I honest to god don’t remember what Randolph does, I guess he like leads Rudolph astray or whatever but I do remember liking his voice for some reason, he was a sarcasthole. But anyway, dickweed wizard also sends a huge storm after Santa and his lady as they’re heading down to the carnival, and of course they don’t have Rudolph with them so they’re basically screwed. 

Back at the carnival, shenanigans are going down, Frosty’s kids are annoying little shits, ect. ect. and Randolph is all like, “Yo Rudolph, my G, lets go steal borrow some money from the circus and Rudolph, being the incredible fucking moron he is, agrees to this nonsense and uses his nose to get a suitcase full of cash out of a dark room or whatever without questioning it at all. And what do you diddly fucking know? Rudolph’s nose stops glowing because he used it for an “evil purpose” but like??? He was tricked? So that doesn’t make any sense? Northern lights lady, you are full of some loophole bullshit. 

So then Rudolph gets all sad and depressed because he’s basically fucking useless and everyone hates him now. And angst ensues: 

Of course, Frosty is the only person who will still vouch for Rudolph, which is when dickweed wizard comes in and is like “yo, I’ll make Rudolph’s nose glow again (somehow) if ya give me ur magic hat that gives you life” and Frosty is like “ok sure I see no problems with this whatsoever” So he gives him the hat and dies stops moving or being alive or whatever and yet Dickweed wizard is a fucking lair because Rudolph’s nose doesn’t start glowing again, and Rudolph gets all pissy about that and there’s a stupid chase scene or something and Rudolph gets the hat back and somehow that makes his nose glow again I don’t fucking no it makes no damn sense. 

But anyway, all the fireworks go off and what do ya know, Santa didn’t make it in time, which means Frosty and his whole damn family are fuckin dead cause they melted aw shit. And then dickweed wizard comes back and spouts some bullshit I don’t remember but like eventually he gets killed or something? or like I think the cool gun lady from earlier shoots him. So he turns into this abomiation that haunted my nightmares as a wee little lass: 

So ding dong the wizard is dead. But Frosty and fam are still dead so everyone cries about that for a while until like? Jack fucking Frost comes in for no discernible reason? Seriously like he comes into the film like ten minutes before it ends right the fuck out of nowhere and he gives Frosty and fam a blowjob to bring them back to life: 

So yay everyone lives (except for dickweed wizard lol he’s ded) and Santa comes several days late with Starbucks and he takes Frosty and fam back to the North Pole and everyone gets high off their asses and flies all over the place and this movie is a literal drug trip. The end. 

So yeah this movie is pretty bizarre as fuck but I totally recommend it if you want a little insanity this Christmas. Though I recommend that you watch it either drunk or high or zonked on egg nog, just to make it even more enjoyable. Honestly, I didn’t even touch on half of the weird shit in this movie, but again, go check it out for yourself. You’ll thank me for it later. 

Mother’s Day

Vivi makes her mother a hand-knitted scarf to match her eyes. Her mom coos over it and hugs Vivi tightly, and they spend the rest of the day hanging out and going shopping, because that’s their thing, twin scarves hanging billowing behind them as they laugh.

Lewis cooks Mrs. Pepper dinner. He makes her favorite, her favorite flower sitting in a pretty vase in the middle of the table. The girls help, of course, and Mrs. Pepper is delighted by the thought, even if the cake comes out slightly smushed and leaning a little too pink. She wouldn’t have it any other way, to be honest, and can only smile as she playfully bops Lewis and the girls’ noses with frosting.

Mystery lost his mother a long time ago, and when he gazes up at the moon, howling softly, his song unheard by the one it’s for, his heart aches. He might be old and wise, but you never stop missing the one who gave you everything.

Arthur sends his mother a card every year, attached to a vase of roses. He’s not sure why he still does it. When the box appears on his doorsteps the next morning, he doesn’t even bothering to open it anymore. Maybe he still holds out hope that one year, things will change. That one year, when he opens the door, the box full of shredded paper and torn petals won’t be there.

anonymous asked:

Hi! Blue river is my favorite too!!! And probably of everyone:) when he appears, comments section in the translation website just explodes:)

Blue River really is a cutie - so kind, honest, hard-working and just cute! It is fun and heartbreaking alike to read how he suffers. (I still like Ye Xiu a lot.)
There is no way to not like Blue River.

I am not far into the story, but I hope there will be much more of Blue River in the upcoming chapters! (And I hope his suffering will came to an end one day - although it is really entertaining to read about it.)

Story Time

Ok, just a quick story for you guys. So about a year back, I went to Florida with my family and, specifically, Disney Land. While I was there, my mum decided that we would get the autographs of the princesses etc.

We got around to Tinkerbell and the guy fairy. I cannot remember his name, but never mind. We took a photo with guy fairy and then went to take a photo with Tinkerbell.

While we taking the photo, he shouted over, “Hey, Tink! Look! I’m exercising!”
And without thinking, I said, “First time for everything.”

He got so upset he stormed and the summary line is I possibly made Disney Land Florida loose an actor because of my sarcasm I mean how cool is that, not many people can say that.

Asphodel--Loki One-Shot, NSFW

Wellllllllllllllllllllll, I had originally written this to be an entry for the Loki’s Dirty Whispers (tumblr won’t let me link tonight, I’m so sorry, but here’s their site:http://lokis-dirty-whispers.tumblr.com/)  fic contest, but when I sat down to submit, I realized I didn’t read the rules completely (OMG THIS IS THE STORY OF MY LIFE) and named my character. Just take it out, you say.  Well, I can’t…and you’ll see why. 

So please enjoy this little flight of NSFW fancy.  A HUGE thank you to Persephone622 and TIDKWE for the time they took beta’ing for the contest (I’m so sorry, guys!!!) and to Persephone622 for the prompt.  Also, for the contest you had to use 5 ‘whispers’ from the LDW site, so those are the asterisks (you had to indicate them). 

SIGH.

I am weary.

I gaze, as best I can, across the fields of the dead, mindless-shifting-smoke-illusion, warping in and out of my vision.  Their masses are grey and writhing under the colorless sky of Hades. 

I am their queen.  Or rather, I am enslaved to their king—I am Death’s consort.  Stolen from the light and world above, chained here for a season every turn of the sun.

I was more, once…but I can’t remember now.

Day and night have no meaning here.  Inexorable, the spirit-corpses over whom I reign mutter and moan, never resting.  They surge toward me in a morbid wave, and then retreat just as quickly.  Despite my fatigue I startle—Hades mocks me when I tremble at them, he says they will not touch their queen and waves off my fear, but I am terrified of them.  Most of all, I think, of their emptiness. They are devoid of all that made them what they were before, all spark, all trace of happiness or anger or lust or anything at all.  They are nothing now—shells, faceless and murmuring.  I don’t get close enough to find out about what.

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anonymous asked:

What are your favourite westworld theories?

you sent this last week and i missed it during all of the political posts/events, so sorry i’m late getting to it! my main theory already came to pass this sunday tho. i’ll continue to update this bc it keeps coming to me!

MAJOR WESTWORLD SPOILERS!

1. bernard being a robot was pretty obvious tbh. it was actually so obvious that at first i figured that theresa was the robot, partially bc bernard said in the first episode that he wanted his engineers to study a few of her facial ticks. but it became pretty obvious a few episodes ago she was human. plus the thing about westworld is that it’s built on tropes, so someone had to be a secret robot, and it had to be bernard.

2. things aren’t necessarily happening at the same time. the first clue to this was the fact that lawrence jumped between moving plot lines almost immediately—he was killed and reappeared too fast for things to be continuous. this was the first moment i started thinking about the timeline. 

2a. building off that, i do think white hat william is the man in black and we’re seeing him 40 years ago, how he became the man he is. remember the first episode? he said that he and dolores go way back. he’s been coming here for 40 years. and in this latest episode, he said he wanted a way to stay here in the park.

2b. remember that logan and william’s company is looking to buy the park—it would make sense that he ended up taking over from logan and became the head of delos. william’s growing love for the park, his exploration of his ability to kill and make morally dubious choices, william and the man in black also “meeting” dolores in the same way, i.e. picking up the rolling can, dolores’ leading him to the place she “dreamed” of and the man in black’s obsession with the maze…it all fits. 

edit: and dolores could be shortened to delos. aieeeee

3. westworld takes place on mars, or another terraformed planet. i didn’t come up with this theory on my own, i read about it, but i really like it, especially since the producers recently said that they wouldn’t confirm westworld is in north america.

4. the robot being built in ford’s lab is theresa. :( if so, how many previous corporate envoys has he done this to? how many plants does he have? and then, it stands to reason that bernard was perhaps once human himself.

4a. speaking of bernard again, i also saw online that an anagram of bernard lowe is arnold weber. i don’t think we ever got a last name for arnold, but there’s a post here that kind of expands on the connection of the names ford and weber/bernard. 

4b. thus, i also think that bernard is the robot replication of arnold. remember what ford said a few episodes? arnold’s greatest desire was to create consciousness. i think he not only uploaded himself into bernard, he also specifically uploaded his goals and morals. that’s why bernard is the most clearly “good” character we have—why he is working with dolores to explore her consciousness, etc. bernard is the one talking to hosts.

4c. then, would bernard’s backstory be arnold’s? would this have happened before the man in black’s company, delos, created technology that could cure any disease? did arnold’s son die? was the woman gina torres played arnold’s real wife, a bot replica, or just an example of how bernard’s the ultimate unreliable narrator?

5. if bernard is the unreliable narrator, how do we know that what we saw, him sitting in the lab talking to elsie, was true? (that said, see theory 7a.)

5a. in the preview for the next episode, we see bernard looking bleary eyed and furious with ford, standing over an operating table. it’s either theresa or elsie. does that mean bernard won’t be wiped this time? or has he always retained his memories, because of arnold’s programming, and he’s been playing subservient for ford? arnold’s ethos seems to be designed around sacrifice for the greater good.

6. if bernard, head of engineering, is a host, it would seem pretty likely that there are other hosts working in the labs. perhaps, say, felix? maeve’s control of them really rides on a totally unbelievable amount of their stupidity—she threatened them to take her intelligence up, and all they had to do was take it down. did someone program tweedle dee and tweedle dum to turn maeve into their leader? 

6a. what about head of security, Other Hemsworth? it’s predictable sci-fi twists, but there will be another one, trust me. 

7. i think that Other Hemsworth (cannot remember his character’s name for the life of me) is trying to stop Ford and his robotic empire. remember what he said about not trusting them and always needing to keep his gun on him? this feels a bit too obvious but at this point i think the show embraces that. there has to be some resistance at play beyond just arnold’s.

7a. i think he was the one who grabbed elsie—to keep her from exposing herself to bernard, and thus ford. he’s having her help him from the shadows now. 

8. maybe sylvester and felix, the two techs working with maeve, are both hosts (maybe all the “butchers” are). their names are both names of cartoon cats, perhaps this alludes to the “nine lives” of cats, aka rebirth and the essential immortality of hosts, or foreshadowing that their roles are connected to game of cat and mouse, or “a contrived action involving constant pursuit, near captures, and repeated escapes.” this is essentially the entire plot of the show, especially maeve’s own role. 

8a. if so, or maybe even regardless, maeve is being just as manipulated—she is being pushed into being the leader of the host revolution, as per arnold’s desire.

9. they’re called “hosts” because delos plans to host human consciousness into their immortal robot bodies. they care about the tech, not the park. 

No, I Don’t Want Your Number


“Hey. Hey. Psst. Hey!”  I’m trying to catch the attention of the security guard standing at the door of the dispensary, a half-cocked smirk playing across my lips. “Mike. Mike!”

I’m standing behind the glass-topped counters that run the length of the storefront, lit along the sides with strips of white LED lights. Beneath the glass, the cannabis strains that are available at this dispensary are displayed in petri glasses, carefully labeled. One of the things I love about this job is the names of strains: OG Kush. Gelato. Blue Lightning. Beside the flower is packaging for medicated tinctures, bath salts, cookies and gum. There doesn’t seem to be any limit to how cannabis can be consumed.

This dispensary is a diamond in the rough: it is stunningly beautiful on the inside, but it’s in a bad part of a San Francisco neighborhood that’s known as the Tenderloin. Damask wallpaper in contrasting shades of light and dark green buttress tall mirrors that run lengthwise along two walls, granting a sunlit airiness to an already open room. Ornate, hand-pressed tin ceiling tiles make me feel like I should be wearing a flapper dress instead of my t-shirt.

I dart between the batwing doors that keep the budtenders separate from the patients, nearly tripping on the thick kitchen mats that run the floor behind the counters. I slide off of the plush mat and onto hardwood floors worn to a buttery sheen by soles, almost catching my knee on the maroon wingback chairs that are tucked in the corner for patients to sit in while they peruse the menu.

I am not a particularly graceful woman, and my forward momentum almost propels me directly into Mike’s chest. With dark, buzzed hair and a silver looped earring in one earlobe, he looks like a skateboarder who went and grew up. All dispensaries have security out front, and he’s one of my very favorites.

Mike grins, standing in front of the computer they use to check patients in. He holds a hand out to steady me, but I’ve caught my balance. I lean in conspiratorially and lower my voice. “Check out that guy over there – you see him? Standing at our 2:00.”

I wiggle my elbow in the general direction of the blonde haired, blue-eyed patient standing at the counter, the one who caught my eye the minute he came through the door.

“Yeah, what about him?” He raises an eyebrow.

I can’t help the manic giggle that slips out. “Okay, so, I met that dude in a bar in 2013 and dated him casually for about a month.”

“Uh huh,” Mike’s head is tilted towards me, arms crossed protectively over his chest.

“He ghosted me outta nowhere – stopped replying to my phone calls, texts, anything and everything. Typical dating in 2015 bullshit, right?”

“Emphasis on the bullshit.”

“Tell me about it. Anyways, he totally recognized me the minute he walked in and he’s doing everything he possibly can to avoid making eye contact with me.”

Mike laughs, a baritone chuckle that launches me into paroxysms of giggles again. “No shit? What are you gonna do about it?”

“I hadn’t decided yet, but I have to do something, right? The opportunity is too good to pass up.”

“Get back there and watch this.” I officially have a co-conspirator. I practically skip back to behind the counter, mentally running through the rolodex of dating the guy: sushi dinner, a pool hall, drinks at a kitschy little bar in North Beach. Obnoxiously, he always fell asleep to his telephone propped on his chest, volume turned up on Bill Burr’s stand-up comedy. In the mornings, he’d hop out of the shower, gesture towards the top of his head and ask, “How’s the lettuce look?”

I cannot for the life of me remember his first name. I already tried scrolling through my phone to find the contact – I’d know it when I saw it – but I deleted him as soon as he ghosted me. Smart Heather.

I lean against the back counter, elbows propped behind me and hands dangling. I rest one booted foot against the shelves in front of me, mason jars the size of my forearm filled with cannabis flower rolling back and forth. He’s just finishing his conversation with the budtender, paper bag filled with goodies in hand. Mike is approaching slowly, a velociraptor hunting unsuspecting prey. I watch him turn to leave, still studiously avoiding eye contact with me, and that’s when Mike swoops in for the kill.

“Have you met our promo rep, Heather? You should come talk to her before you head out!” He slings an arm over the guy’s shoulders, forcibly directing him back towards me.

“Uh, uh. No. Nope, I don’t think I’ve met her before.”

Mike and I are somehow moving in perfect synchronicity, a practiced ballet dance of humiliation and embarrassment infliction. I step forward and lean against the counter at the very moment Mike deposits him there for me, feeling my pointy chin dig into my palms.

“That’s funny, I’m 100% certain we have met before. At the Buccaneer, during a Patriots game. I’m also 100% certain we slept together, and equally as sure that you decided to completely ignore me without warning.”

He makes a sound in his throat that I think is supposed to be nervous laughter, but it sounds more like a death rattle.

“Yeah. Uh, yeah. Heh.” There’s a long pause, one I don’t bother trying to fill because I’m enjoying watching him squirm. He puffs his cheeks full of air, letting it escape slowly through pursed lips. “Heeeey. How’ve you been?”

I arch an eyebrow, trying desperately to keep a straight face. Mike has a hand cupped over his mouth, trying just as desperately not to laugh. The seconds tick by and the dude is wringing the paper bag between his hands like it’s going to teleport him out of the dispensary.

“So, uh, you’re not doing the dead person thing anymore?”

“Trust me, this is way more fun.” I lean forward on the counter so I can see all of him as I give him a thorough once-over, from the top of his lettuce to the bottom of his toes. I feel the top of my lip curl uncontrollably in the subtlest modicum of a sneer before I push back from the bar and drape myself across the back counter. He’s dismissed, and he knows it. He stumbles backwards, tripping over his own feet before pushing past Mike and out the door.

The second he’s past the threshold, Mike and I make eye contact and burst into doubled over, full-throated laughter, the kind that makes your abdominal muscles hurt the next day. We high-five, and I realize with a start that I am no longer the broken woman I was in the months after I kicked out my cheating husband, desperately trying to make someone love me out of my own self-hatred - and I really, really love my job for the first time in years.