i can't save myself

ligbi asked:

Fight Ikuhara.

Oh my god.

I am so tired.

Look at all the fighting I did today. I had no idea people wanted me to fight so many people. I am only human I have only so much.

I go to fight Ikuhara. I’m tired.

No, the situation doesn’t matter. I could be at my peak energy. I am still tired.

It is Ikuhara.

I narrow my eyes at him. Think of all the damn recurring things. Think about THE FUCKING YURI BEARS. I get ready for a good punch.

He’s not there.

I turn around. He’s behind me? How did he get behind me? He smiles. That fucker. I was just going to punch him once really, but now he’s asking for a beating.

I try again.

He’s not there.

I look for him. He’s a silhouette on the wall now. He’s talking with his alien friends. “Don’t think that will save you!!” I say, as if he’s fluent in English. I will punch the goddamn wall.

By the time I get there, he is no longer a shadow.

Now he’s dressed in military garb and pouring himself a glass of milk. Where the fuck did all this fancy architecture come from? WHY ARE THERE SO MANY FUCKING STAIRS? “IKUHARA!!! I’M DONE WITH YOUR SHIT NOW!!!” I YELL.

He smiles and says “You are constrained by your inner perceptions of reality.” He’s speaking Japanese but somehow I know the words. But do not understand. “You must free the self from within. Embrace the emu. Become one with it.”

“WHAT EMU??? WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT??? I’LL FIGHT YOU IKUHARA!!”

“You can’t fight me, I am a car.”

He’s a car now.

It ends with me crying on the ground while he happily moos to himself.

This feeling I hate..

I seriously hate how I feel right now. The funny thing is I’ve been feeling like this for awhile. I’ve tried professional help, I’ve tried numerous things that help others but I just still want to just pick up the knife & cut. It sucks, I’m trying to be strong but it’s not as easy as everyone thinks…especially without that one special woman that you’d do anything for is gone…I’m trying to save myself from like this darkness inside that’s growing but it’s like I can’t stop it. No matter how hard I try…I seriously don’t know whats wrong with me but I only have one drug that will neutralize this feeling - and that’s Her..

youtube

*Can’t save myself - AS IT IS*
(I do not own this video)

I can’t help the way my mind is hardwired to hate myself
‘Cause I swear that this is hell
The way I desperately try to save myself
'Cause I can’t save myself

A single breath (in empty lungs)
That’s all I got left (gasping for air)
And a bad idea branded in my brain I can’t seem to shake
Another day (in tired skin)
I shed and fray (far from desire)
'Til all I am is textbook misery and my own mistakes
And as I’ve aged the only thing I think has changed
Is that the demons have moved from under my bed
Into the inner depths of my head
I can’t escape the ugly things my mind creates
I speculate that they’ll stay with my 'til the grave

In broken bones (a half-hearted smile)
I feel at home (I’m proud of nothing)
I tend to get attached so quick to all I’ve ever known
But I don’t seem to know a single fucking thing that can save me
I’m my own worst enemy

Is there any hope for me?

I’m the boy who chose not to grow up and now I’m unprepared for anything
Now I’m scared and I’m cold and alone because the world grew up without me
(Is there any hope for me?)

I’m rewarding myself. I got a B+ in both Sociology and English. I’m about to start working full-time as a manager. Also I’m about to sign up for a Summer class.

So yeah baby Lush Haul!
Rose Bombshell: Absolutely my favorite bath bomb. It’s got such an enticing smell and is beautiful in action. If anyone is selling any I will gladly buy~

Cupcake Face Mask: Already used it once and it’s wonderful for my oily skin. Smells chocolate-y and is a nice thick consistency.

Ultraviolet: I originally did NOT like the smell of this. But it grew on me and I absolutely love it now. I’m so excited to try this out. I’ll get four nice baths out of this bad boy.

SAMPLE Sexy Peel: Smells super citrusy and awesome and I can’t wait to try this.

all my mother cares about is the house, how it looks, you care about it more than me, all you do is rant at me about how worthless I am you dont care how I feel you work with depressed people and people with anxiety all day yet you dont even care about the person who should matter the most to you you just yell and yell about how lazy I am I’ve just given up and the only things that give me hope are being around my friends and happy moments and the possibility of a good future without you screaming at me all day and then people wonder why I’m so negative and jaded and pessimistic and blunt and sarcastic it’s because I don’t even care about much of anything anymore, not about myself, my surroundings, you say i am not worth it and won’t go to college or drive I’m not good for anything all you do is yell at me for everything I wonder what would happen if you just noticed ME for a second what will it take because I’ve been close to the end for a while now but no one cares because they’re all too busy with their own lives and the people that do notice me hate me and I can see why, it’s because I AM lazy and rude and a waste of space and I try so hard to fit in because I just want people to like me for once and when that doesn’t work I just say Eff that and resume not caring anymore.

ok ok ok I really have to work on my exam lists tonight. I HAVE TO. I was supposed to send them to my advisor over the weekend and I didn’t because I suck. But I am going to do it tonight. Ok? Ok. 

I am just putting this here to try and hold myself accountable.

ALso, I am going to do some of the enormous pile of dishes in my sink. 

But first I’m going to go for a run. In the rain. Because I am a bad-ass like that.

I say all this but what I REALLY want to do is:

A) Crawl into bed and watch Horatio Hornblower, or B) Work on Over Fathoms Deep.

But neither of those things are going to happen tonight.

*longest gayest sigh*