i can't keep these feelings to myself

Sometimes I hate being trans. A lot of the time, actually. While everyone else is moving forward, you’re feel like you’re waiting, waiting, waiting. For the next GIC appointment. For hormones to show any effect. For surgery. For the next surgery. For forms and reports and assessments to be filled out.

These things take weeks, months, years. Whole parts of your life get eaten away on waiting lists for services that are already stretched to their limit. And all the time you want everything to stop - to right itself in some magical overnight miracle. You spend nights crying and asking ‘why me?’ Why am I the one who has to be stuck here? 

But you will get there. I promise you. Nobody knows patience like us trans folk. We have to be strong, mentally, emotionally and physically, because we are forced to be by our very nature. It’s something huge to bear and it’s okay if you’re not always okay. It isn’t fun, and it isn’t fair. And it’s okay to grieve - for being born with the wrong parts, or for all the times that your body restricted you in life - for the things you wish you had. Grieve if you need to. 

There is light and dark to everything in life. Being trans is no exception. Keep going. Wait and fight and grieve and celebrate and live - in the way that only we trans people know how. 

You’ll come out stronger in the end.

anonymous asked:

You have a mostly adult fan base. Why do you keep everything so G rated? You don't cuss, talk about sex, your love life or anything. Do you think we can't handle it?

Yup! That’s what I think!

Lol no!! I do talk about my love life to an extent, only to the point I, myself, am feeling up to talking to you all about it. And as much as you may think I have a mostly adult audience, I do have lots of kids who follow me, and it is a great opportunity to keep my videos accessible to them, while also discussing things that may not get to be talked about a lot in school (Black History, women’s rights, gender identity, body positivity, etc.). Future topics will cover other things like sexuality, gender identities, possibly even safe practices, but my channel is still relatively new. And it’s not just kids, a lot of people of all ages would prefer not to watch something with expletives or sexual content. It’s not that they can’t handle it, but that they would prefer not to have it, or that they would like to watch something while there are kids around. I’m not even a big curser myself, although I’m never offended if anyone were to curse around me. I’m just a big believer in keeping my videos accessible to all!

whoops, my hand slipped and here is a much more fic-like set of bullet points that i don’t have to heart to actually turn into a fic. part of a trilogy it seems.

one | two | three (THIS ONE!) | four | five | six | seven | eight | nine

  • something to know about michelle: she’s very good at keeping secrets
  • once, when she was eight years old, her older brother broke the brand new watch his parents had gotten him for christmas. he begged her not to tell anyone, most especially their parents or her four year old sister who would undoubtedly tattle to their parents. she never spoke a word of it to anyone and helped him fix it as best they could so that her parents never found out.
  • then, when she was eleven, she had the biggest crush on this one girl in her class, layla. and one day, one of her best friends alex told her that he had a crush on layla. so she never spoke a word of her crush, nor of alex’s, to anyone. that is, until one day alex and layla walked around the playground at lunch time holding hands and told everyone they were now dating.
  • and then after she moved to new york, spent the year trying to find a place for herself, and then finally found and joined academic decathlon, she met peter parker and liz allan. and she knew immediately that peter parker liked liz. he always stared at her during practice and smiled at her whenever she glanced at him. she heard him talking about her at lunch. everyone knew that peter had a crush on liz. but one day after practice, she was in the bathroom stall when liz and her friend betty walked into the restoom, chatting.
  • “oh my goodness I can’t believe you have a crush on that freshman.” betty scoffed. “really liz, like half the junior class is in love with you and you’ve got heart eyes for the scrawny kid from, what is it, queens?”
  • “he’s really sweet!” liz laughed. “I think he’s really cute. he’s always nice to me. can’t I like someone who also likes me? is that really a crime?”
  • “of course not.” betty sighed. “I’m just saying. he’s a freshman, you’re a junior. in two years, you’ll be going to college and he will still be here. do you really want that?”
  • “I don’t know.” liz replied, pausing for a while before michelle heard the sink start to run water. “peter is really sweet and smart. i’d like to see what could happen.”
  • “fine, fine.” betty laughs. “but don’t wait for that boy to ask you out because he seems shocked every time you even look his way.” they both laugh and with that, walk out of the bathroom.
  • michelle never spoke of that incident to anyone either. so, she’s good at keeping quiet when she needs to be. which is why she never tells peter that she knows. knows that he spends his time stopping bank robberies, muggings, and helping old ladies cross the street. knows that he saved her friends in washington dc. knows that he’s the reason liz’s dad went to prison and she had to move to oregon. she doesn’t tell anyone this. not even peter.

Keep reading

  • Me: *puts my hand in my hair to itch my scalp*
  • Me: ho don't do it
  • Me: *starts pulling out hair instead*
  • Me: oh my god
Someone give Sansa a hug 😭😭
  • Sansa: Bran, I'm so happy you're home, I've missed you so much.
  • Bran: It was Beautiful that night, snow falling just like now. You looked beautiful, in your white wedding dress.
  • Sansa: Oh Arya, I'm so relieved you're all in one piece, and made it back home safely.
  • Arya: Ah yes, of course you took mother's and father's room, these are the best rooms in the castle. You always liked pretty things, they made you feel better than everyone else.
  • Sansa: I feel so attacked right now. *writes to Jon* Jon, I beg of you, come home, I miss you. Arya and Bran are driving me insane, I can't handle them by myself, especially, Arya. Bran keeps going on about the night I was raped, and how "pretty" I looked when it happened, Arya thinks I want to overthrow you and become the Queen in The North *sighs*. I need you here. Please, come back. 😩😢🙏
  • P.S. I almost forgot, Bran told me to tell you, that the dead are coming. 💀
  • Me: having a structured life is exhausting!
  • Therapist: I understand. Let's say just get up in the morning, get some breakfast, go for a walk...and that's it for a start.
  • Me: *internally: sounds reasonable, but that means first fighting against my will to just stay in bed and act as if I'm not existing. Getting up either way and facing my face and body in the mirror. There's an 80% chance that it's one of those days and I hate myself just so fucking much I could scream. But there's also a chance I look in the mirror and find a person that does not seem to be familiar to me looking back at me. Still, now you want me to shower and wash this body I find really disgusting. I have to see every single scar I have and maybe feel the burn of fresh cuts. Then I have to put on cloth, brush my teeth and my hair and do my makeup, as I can't go outside without hiding my ugly face under layers of primers and foundations and powders and highlighters and fake lashes and a perfect contour and a big nude fake smile. I spend money I don't have to make myself look good enough for myself to endure my own appearance. I remember to take my meds. Now I'm dressed (in clothes that hopefully say 'i don't care' when really I care a lot) and can go to the kitchen to prepare food that I know I won't be able to eat in 50% of the cases. There's also a good chance that I eat it and then find myself throwing up and ruining my makeup feeling every single disgusting cell of fat on my body vibrate while trying to breathe. Well either way let's say I might redo my make-up, brush my teeth again and step outside. I maybe take my horse with me and walk through the neighbourhood. I have to see people. I feel anxious. I would love to just turn around and go back home. But I keep on walking, trying to seem selfconfident so my horse and neighbours can't see or feel my insecurity. I'll try to be friendly and act normal even though I'm sure they hate me and laugh about me. Still if the communication between my horse and me isn't perfect today I'll probably cry and if a neighbour just looks at me in a way that i interpret to be unfriendly or cold or annoyed I'll probably cry too. Let's say I'm back home. Now it's like 11 in the morning. What do I do? By now I'm an emotional wreck, tired as hell, probably planing on how to harm myself with one half of my brain while the other half bundles it's last energy to prevent exactly this from happening. How do I survive the rest?*
  • Me: I'll try.
2

My first Borage popped up!! I was so excited when I saw it I ran inside with the whole plant to show my partner.

I was afraid that the extreme heat today was going to wilt it so I decided to pick it while it’s fresh. I love that the first one that popped up is this little tie-dye colored flower.

how does one not get stressed

anonymous asked:

You're such a big ray of sunshine. To have an artist like you is such a blessing. (To be honest I followed you way back when and it was sad to see you gone) I saw you again by chance and I was wondering if you were the same artist as from before or not and you were!!!! I was so happy to find you again! And seeing how you are more active and just. You are great! Keep being you! Your comment about angst too is true, we need that cute fluff!!!! May happiness rain down on you!!!

I???? Wow I actually don’t know what to say, umm…….

Well first off, I really appreciate you being a long term follower of mine; it means a lot!! I apologize for leaving so suddenly back at that time, but I’m really glad to see that you found me again! I hope you enjoy your stay! Secondly, just know that seeing this made me really happy! You’re honestly too kind. I don’t think I can handle this?? I’m still pretty speechless actually…, but thank you so much for this! I hope happiness rains down on you too!!

Binge

I binged. Not even the normal one cookie or a bag of chips binge. But like actually eating 700 calories in 5 minutes. I can feel all my hard work of this week draining away with all the food I ate. I can feel the food demon smiling maliciously at me for giving in. I want to cry I can’t believe I did this to myself and what I especially hate is how I enjoyed it. I need hardcore meanspiration or thinspiration or honestly anything to keep me going.

anonymous asked:

Is drawing something you do for fun? Or is it something that you do because it makes others happy? If it's the latter, then I can genuinely say that you are very admirable. I can't imagine having to keep up with requests, and having to constantly please others with my work.

I draw because I love it and it makes me happy! BUT I love when my art makes someone else happy too, this is one of the best feelings for me! Art is the way I express myself, and…as for requests…I don’t draw to constantly please others. It’s a pleasure when my art is enjoyable by someone, but I wouldn’t be able to do it just by that, without enjoying the process itself.

10

and then bakugou went back to his own room only to start screaming pretty loudly about what he had just done

anyways i’d never drawn a kiss before nor a comic itself + i’m still getting used to digital art so this probably looks terrible … i wanted to draw something for tetsutetsu’s birthday too but i was pretty busy today (one of the reasons why this looks so rushed, there’s only an attempt at a background in 3 panels and there are so many mistakes) … i’ll try to draw something for him tomorrow

i wasn’t even going to post this because i keep getting the feeling that it’s bad but?? i spent too much time on this to just keep it to myself so yeah !! hopefully i won’t end up regretting posting this lmao

galactaablazingg  asked:

I'm starting to get really disappointed in myself. I use green magic frequently and I dream of owning my own nursery or farm one day, but I can't even keep succulents alive. I've researched a lot and worked really hard whenever I get a new plant baby, but I feel like I have the world's WORST black thumb and I don't know what to do. I love plants and don't want to give up on this path. Do you happen to have any suggestions? :/

Hiii, thank you so much for your patience dear. I know it’s taken me a hot minute to get to this ask. Don’t feel bad about killing your succulents honestly, I’ve killed countless ones by accidental overwatering, leaving them outside in the rain, all sorts of silly shit. Don’t give up!💚

  • Cactus soil and good drainage really is a must. I know you’ve probably read this everywhere but it’s super important. Succulent roots are sensitive and fairly small, normal potting soil will be too dense when it’s wet and cause root rot almost within the first couple months.
    • If you buy a succulent and you can’t feel/see any pebbles in the soil you need to repot it. I suggest repotting most succulents anyways because I think the generic soil they use is pretty shitty.
    • This is my favorite soil!
  • Watering your succulent wrong is the biggest killer in my opinion. My first suggestion being that you use filtered or distilled water only when watering your succulent. Succulents are really sensitive to the pH level of their soil and the fluoride that can be found in well water can really fuck the little guys up. That’s actually how I killed my first seven succulents, once I switched I never had one die(outside of cats munching).
    • Don’t pour water when you’re watering your growing succulent. Pouring straight from a cup into the pot can cause too much moisture in one spot. Instead trying misting your baby plant with a spray bottle!
    • Typically they tend to want to be watered every week to two weeks depending on size and breed. Water succulents less in the winter.
  • Shriveling up and dying leaves aren’t always a bad sign. Sometimes people see the bottom leaves shrivel up and think their plants dying. Here is a little secret, just like all plants, eventually the lower leaves of succulents are going to shrivel up and die. Just pluck them off and go about your day, as long as it’s just a couple lower leaves you’re most likely fine. I can’t count the amount of messages I’ve gotten from people who killed their succulents because they saw one leaf die and completely changed the care routine for their succulents - causing them stress and ultimately their death.
  • Avoid plotting in jars, glass containers, or anything that doesn’t drain.
  • Repot once to twice a year with fresh soil. You’ll read a lot of books and articles about feeding your succulent plant food - that’s up to you. I avoid using plant food because I’ve been unlucky with it killing my babies.
  • As for temperature keep it between 70-80 in the summer 50-60 in the winter. Succulents like a lot of light but they do not need(or really want) direct sunlight.
  • dally: i just miss johnny so much man. i hope he's okay and i hope that if he comes back i can stop being such a douche. cause i just block out all my emotions all the time cause i don't wanna get hurt, ya know? but he's like the light of my life. he makes me feel, man. and i just wanna protect him from all the bad things that keep happening to him but i can't actively do that because if i do then i'll blow my cover and everybody will find out how i feel and if i even admit how i feel to myself it'll ruin everything so i just have to protect him from a distance, but i feel like that isn't enough and it hurts. and now i really can't do anything because he's in a fucking church and he's gonna die in like two chapters and i can't take that. he's what's been keeping me going. i want to be a better man for him, because he deserves that you know. but it's hard and i feel like i'm not enough and i never will be enough and he's too pure and so i'll just ruin him even more. and sometimes i lie to myself and say everything will turn out fine but i know it won't. we're greasers and he just killed a kid and i can barely take care of myself let alone him. which i don't need to worry about too much i guess because he can hold his own in a rumble and stuff and he takes a shit ton of beatings from his old man. ugh i hate thinking about that. i wish we could both just go out in the country and live alone with a couple horses. maybe a dog, but it'd be his dog cause animals don't like me except for ponies. not ponyboy though i'm pretty sure that kid hates me. but it wouldn't matter cause it'd just be me and johnny cakes in a little country house with no worries at all. man i just wish we could be together. the world is fucked but i would beat the shit out of every single fucker in this town for me and him, you know man. he just makes me feel that strongly, y'know?
  • darry: what
  • sodapop: what
  • two-bit: what
  • steve: what
  • cherry: what
  • marcia: what
  • bob: what
  • the store clerk that dally pointed a gun at: what
  • s.e. hinton: what
  • the entire world: what
  • dally: i sAID I LIKE GIRLS AND ALCOHOL AND THE SUFFERING OF OTHERS,, NOTHIN LEGAL M,AN, I HAVE NO EMOTIONS WHATSOEVER, SEE WATCH ME BE APATHETIC, goD DON'T GET WISE YOU PUNKS