When I was younger, I had someone tell me constantly that I was inconsiderate. So now, whenever I ever think about doing something for myself, and my happiness, I don’t…because now I have this idea in my head that if I do anything for me I’m being selfish, and someone else deserves it more than I do, and I can’t have or do what I want because I’m terrified of being told that I didn’t do what was best for the people I care about. I’m scared to open up to people because I know that they have their own problems, so I shouldn’t burden them with mine…they aren’t that serious anyway…I’m scared to let myself be happy, in case it causes someone else to be unhappy.
♟ [flips table because i just can't handle things anymore]
“I know it hurts but you need to stay still Lacey." He muttered, trying to be as gentle as he could as he stitched up the large gash on her arm. He injected more anaesthetic into her arm but apart from that there wasn’t much else he could do.
"How did this happen? Did someone do this to you?” Bolest asked, his words had an edge to them. If someone hurt her, he’d kill them no questions asked. “It’ll be over soon, just stay still."
I need reassurance.. do you think Cas will die? And if he does, do you think he'll be back for s11 anyway? I just.. idk, I can't deal with Charlie and Cas. And I can't imagine spn without cas/misha involved anymore.
Darling Anon, I wish that characters were like Tulpas – that they could be everything that we believe them to be, that they could represent us, could give us a voice when a part of us is mute. I wish characters were ideas that could never be killed.
But..I suppose they are in a way. Characters are ideas in the way that they can be eternal to each and every one of us. Characters can live on because we believe in them, because we make them a part of us. Because we can hear their voices inside our heads, because they can encourage us use our own voices to speak our convictions.
It doesn’t make it hurt any less to think of it this way. But I hope this is something that each and every one of you can carry always. Characters are ideas, they belong to us all, and everything that they meant to you…no one can take that away from you. Not ever. Not really. Just keep believing in them. And keep believing in you.
Anon, I know everything seems bleak right now. I do. I get it. It’s the bottom of the ninth, the bases are loaded, and someone is about to blow up the fucking stadium.
I wish I could give you certainties, rather than just reassurances. But there are not certainties in Supernatural. Just as there are no certainties in life.
But I can reassure you.
I can tell you that Castiel walked into that barn in Pontiac, Illinois with nothing but doubt in God’s Plan and tenuous faith in a Righteous Man. Castiel questioned the merit of life. He looked inside of Dean and saw his guilt and his anger and his pain and questioned what was worth living for - what was so worth saving? Castiel looked into Dean, past the guilt and the anger and the pain and remembered how his soul shone like lighthouse, calling to Castiel through the abysm of Hell. And Castiel remembered exactly what it was about humanity that was worth saving – that light. That immutable light. I can tell you that back then, Castiel didn’t exactly understand why he was drawn to it because it was illogical and intangible and fragmented and so full of something that was so familiar and yet entirely abstruse. I can tell you that whatever it was Castiel saw…it gave him something to believe in. It gave him faith to choose the side of the downtrodden. It gave him a cause he would die for, time and again, because he believed in the mission of two brothers and an old drunk. He believed in them.
I can tell you that as Castiel fell from Heaven and submerged himself in the trenches of war, he learned just how tangible the light he was drawn to really was. It was within Dean, within Sam, within Bobby, within every person they saved, within every action and within every word. Castiel learned that Family hands you a beer when you’ve fucked up and claps you on the shoulder when you’re probably about die because actions are simple and words cannot ever possibly express the immensity of sorrys and goodbyes.
I can tell you that somewhere between watching Dean rake leaves and giving himself over wholly to a pyrrhic war, Castiel learned that at the heart of that immutable light was love, and he would die to protect it.
I can tell you that somewhere along the way, Castiel started to think of himself as just Cas, as not something made to serve an allegiance to a high power, but as someone who was destined to fall into the arms of humanity and learn the value of salvation. I can tell you that somewhere along the way, Cas’ journey became inextricably linked to Dean’s, that their paths divert and converge with the tides, leaving them to face their demons and decide who exactly they are on their own, independently, yet together. Always together.
I can tell you that Cas has learned that the maddest thing a man can do in the life he has created for himself is to let himself die by his own melancholy – disenchanted and lost under the weight of the guilt and the anger and the pain that is intrinsic to humanity. Cas has learned that there is no absolution in death, only tears and grief for the people that are left behind. I can tell you that Cas has learned that his self-worth is not predicated upon the validation of his choices because he could be proven wrong, because he could fail and waffle and backpedal and become stuck in anther infinite loop of mistakes and utterly crash and burn.
I can tell you that Cas is still learning. He is learning that the key to success, to a life well-lived from the structured pursuit of meaningful happiness, is ignorance and confidence. Cas has learned that obsessing over the melancholy of his past mistakes is a long, self-defeating road from which there is no redemption. Cas has to learn that confidence is bred from knowing everything he’s done right – succumbing to his doubt, rebelling against Heaven, fighting for humanity, saving humanity…Saving Dean Winchester. These choices…they made him infinite. In ways that that the lifespan of angel could never truly reach. These choices…they were missions that became values that became blind faith in doing the right goddamn thing. Cas has learned that Fate is always going to be fighting against him, but he has also learned that he can take back control.
I can tell you that Cas has learned that ignorance isn’t a personality trait, but rather a lack of knowledge that cannot be subsumed with pop culture references. Ignorance is a state of inexperience. Ignorance is the ultimate opportunity for growth. I can tell you that Cas has learned that new ideas, that new visions of how the world should operate, of how humanity should be saved, are built upon the foundations of ignorance and hubris and stupidity that make false Messiahs of man. I can tell you that Cas has still to learn that ignorance is something that has to be deconstructed, brick by brick. I can tell you that Cas has to learn that the deconstruction of ignorance must be replaced with a foundation of experience, with the knowledge that there is much yet to learn, that there are an infinite number of questions to be answered. I can tell you that Cas is willful and that he has much yet to learn, and that his capacity for growth is as infinite as his lifespan because he may have seen the first fish crawl upon the land but he knew absolutely nothing until the moment his Grace touched Dean Winchester’s soul in Hell.
I can tell you that Cas is an angel and he has been gifted with humanity. I can tell you that Cas has learned the meaning of love and devotion in his journey to find out exactly who the fuck he is. He is an angel, he was a human. He is a brother. He didn’t fit the mold of a father, but he is a loyal and devoted friend. Cas is a lover and a warrior. He just needs to learn that, ultimately, it doesn’t matter who or what he is, it only matters what he does. Through it all…all of his choices, everything that Cas has learned has been in the pursuit of the understanding of that immutable light that marks humanity. At the heart of mankind - at the heart of the one guy who turned his entire existence upside down - is unconditional love. And Cas loves. Unequivocally.
Anon, I cannot give you certainties when it comes to Supernatural. But I can tell you to remember Cas’ journey, from beginning up until today. I can tell you how much he has left to learn and how much life he has yet to live.
I can tell you that to me, Cas isn’t expendable. He is a Winchester. And he is as infinite as the Winchester prophecy. Cas is the missing piece that makes the family whole, that makes Dean whole.
I cannot give you certainties, but I can reassure you with what I know. And what I know is that Cas’ story…it is far from done.