When your time on Earth has ended, we calculate the total value of your life using our perfectly accurate measuring system. Only the people with the very highest scores, the true cream of the crop, get to come here, to the Good Place. What happens to everyone else, you ask? Don’t worry about it. The point is, you are here because you lived one of the very best lives that could be lived. And you won’t be alone. Your true soul mate is here too. That’s right. Soul mates are real. One of the other people in your neighborhood is your actual soul mate, and you will spend eternity together. So welcome to eternal happiness. Welcome to the Good Place.
Here’s the speech. The zombie thing is a bitch. Your world shrivels down to a dot, and all you can think about is how to get your next meal and keeping your secret, and no one can really know you now. Kissing, touching, sex, love, yelling at someone for stealing the blankets. Out of the question, forever.