i can walk with a book and a beer on my head

Essays in Existentialism: Undies

You’re an underwear model and there’s a giant billboard of your toned body just across from where I work so I have to look at you every day AU

The office on the twelfth floor was fairly empty. Despite three years in the position, the inhabitant did not add much in terms of personalizing it. There was a soft leather chair in the corner with a blanket from her alma mater draped over it. There were a few stacks of books around it, on her large desk, littering the floor neatly. It was fairly boring, until she opened the window.

Keep reading

anonymous asked:

pls expand on your ridiculous experiences during one semester at a fake college

okay I got a few asks about this so let me see what I can remember right now. These might not all be in chronological order

- At orientation, they were talking about the reservation near campus and all these pretty sites and this kid in the back of the auditorium goes “So uhh…heard this place might be built over a Native American burial ground?”

- The speaker: “…Let’s not think about that, okay?”

- The freshman were on campus alone for like a week and a half (other than the RA’s) before the other students and I just. The parties. Were out of control. An ambulance was called basically every night.

- I walked into the bathroom the first night there to find a girl literally dying because someone slipped something in her drink and she was having a Very Bad Reaction

- Sting- you know, the singer- ‘s son lived in my residence hall. This boy almost accidentally killed me on three separate occasions (while I was just trying to do my laundry)

- I told my family about this at Thanksgiving. Everyone in the room advised me to seduce him

- I ate breakfast in the dining hall exactly once. I got scrambled eggs. I noticed no one had brought out ketchup with the condiments and politely asked about it. I received glares from at least ten different people. Apparently people there don’t believe in ketchup on eggs.

- There were these two boys in my English class known as “The Lumbard Guys”. They didn’t live in my residence hall, but they would come over almost every night, start a party, and destroy part of the basement.

- At orientation this one kid got mad and set his shoe on fire to prove a point

- Also at orientation like??? My roommate disappeared???? And I never saw her again???

- Listen like…this campus just looked like the perfect setting for a horror film, but none of the people from the area got that. They all thought I was crazy until some comic from Comedy Central did a stand up act and said “Why the hell is this campus so creepy? I feel like I’m gonna leave here with someone else wearing my face!”. I felt way too validated.

- ALL OF MY CLASSES WERE SO FAKE

- My “math” class was actually a disguised home ec. course???? All we had were word problems that were incredibly detailed recipes or instructions on how to fix things. The teacher, who I swear to GOD was actually my Mr-Rogers-Wannabe guidance counselor from high school in disguise, spent more time trying to come up with names and backstories for the models in the text book than actually trying to teach

- I had to take a class called “first year seminar” because neither of my parents went to college. It was supposed to be teaching you about how the school works and stuff but SUPRISE BITCH WE’RE JUST GONNA YELL ABOUT RACISM AND PRIVELGE FOR AN HOUR.

- Literally that’s all we did. Just the whole class bonding over all these struggles we had gone through and getting fired up. Like, it was great, but I also ended up knowing very little about campus and school stuff bc that was the class that was supposed to be teaching me lmao

- My Psych teacher was fucking hysterical for the first few classes but then he just. Vanished. I had to drop the class

- My Fine Arts teacher just. Couldn’t stick to a teaching plan. Her entire wardrobe was scarves. She was very passionate about African masks. She had a flapper haircut. She spoke quietly, but with a marvelously forced tone of voice that I’m certain was her trying to sound impressive and hide a Boston accent. She didn’t seem to understand the year was 2014. She took us into the city to go to the Art Museum and we lost her in there, never to be seen again

- I’m not even kidding

- My “writing” teacher was my absolute fav omfg. She was this long grey haired hippie lady who worked as a nurse for the Grateful Dead and was still stuck there. She may or may not have hooked up with my uncle. I was her favorite student because one day I came in wearing a “HAIR” shirt. She wanted to take the class to England for the sole purpose of going on a Beatles tour

- But like…she did not teach a writing class omfg. She taught a social justice class. All we did was have informed debates about The Issues and listen to music and occasionally watch the Breakfast Club. Every time there was a big paper due on the syllabus, she’d just sit on her desk and go “I mean, I don’t have to cover anything, right? You guys know how to write!” Like I genuinely don’t think she knew what class she was teaching

- There was a boy who sat next to me in that class. He was deaf in one ear and used that as an excuse when he got caught blatantly not paying attention. It worked every time. But I was right next to him. I saw him playing Yu-Gi-Oh on some website on his phone under the table. One time we started talking about model cars and he pre-cummed.

- There was a boy who roamed the campus in a long black trench coat and a weird hat. I never saw his body and started to suspect he might not have one, just the theory of one. He took interest in me because I was the only person in class who ever got his Doctor Who jokes. He’d come up to me at dinner and blast quiz me on various nerd culture before running off and disappearing into the shadows. Just as I was starting to grudgingly accept I was probably going to have to eventually hook up with him for the greater good, I apparently offended him by saying I like Picard more than Kirk. He didn’t stick around to listen to my reasoning. Whenever I saw him after that he would loudly start talking about how great his girlfriend was. Everyone knew he was lying. I wonder if Kirk ever sucked his theoretical dick as well as I would have.

- I gave a football player a shout out on Yik Yak. He really appreciated it, and gave me some fries laced with weed as a thanks. That was such A Night ™ , I watched the Lorax and left the dimension.

- Every time we had dances, this creepy guy named Horace would find me and use my obvious discomfort to make me dance with him. He’d hold my wrists and shove his crotch on mine while vaguely swaying to the beat. I had to escape to the bathroom every few minutes. Finally the security just banned him from the events altogether. I can still see his face clearly in my mind.

- One night, I walked into the bathroom to find a perfect, untouched pizza laying on the floor…but not in a box. Someone literally just took it out of the box and laid it down. I’m still fuming.

- One time I was in the mostly empty library when I smelled something. I walked down the rows of shelves before rounding the corner, and found the President of the college hidden there, sitting on the floor, smoking, a bottle of vodka in his hands. We held eye contact for a solid minute. He slowly shook his head at me. I said “Sir, your house is like…literally across the street.” He shook his head more vigorously. I left the library.

- One night, I heard screaming. I looked out the window to find a girl in a giraffe costume scaling my building. People were throwing water bottles at her. I was concerned. I didn’t know who to talk to for answers.

- I was in line trying to pay for dinner. One of the lunch ladies climbed on top of the ice cream machine and refused to come down. Her friend came over and they started recreating the balcony scene from Romeo and Juliet. Very few people acknowledged it.

- Someone jacked up the soda dispenser so it was only dispensing beer. None of the staff cared enough to fix it.

- I caught my RA in the middle of a drug deal so she gave me a coupon for free ice cream

- Also side note: The soft served ice cream machine on campus was actually a frozen yogurt machine. I had no problem with that, but like, advertise correctly, you know? Nobody else seemed to understand my confusion. Nobody else seemed to understand that froyo and ice cream are two different things. What the hell.

- There were just…so many moths all over the campus. A terrifying amount. When it started getting colder I was like, finally, I won’t be attacked by moths anymore! Only for even more moths to appear. I asked a local about it. “Oh, those are the winter moths!” What the fuck are winter moths? What the fuck, Massachusetts? My friend back home grew convinced that Mothman was in the area. I was inclined to believe her. Sometimes I close my eyes and all I can see are moths everywhere, waiting for the moment to strike.

-  I’ve encountered deer many times in my life. I know how they act around people. But the deer on this campus were just weird. They’d run out at people all the time. One almost shoved me into traffic.

- My roommate gave my phone number out to literally anyone she found who mentioned they liked to read or liked Doctor Who. She was concerned I had no friends. No one ever called.

- I met a small Greek girl in my Fine Arts class. Our first day of talking, she made me climb a mountain with her so she could get to tutoring, even though I had no reason to be in that building. Her roommates kept mysteriously disappearing. She was late to everything. She’d call me randomly to get food at 1 in the morning. She kept somehow breaking phones and tvs and other electronics. When I asked her how they kept breaking, she waved it off with “Oh, I have OCD. You wouldn’t understand”. I have OCD, and I still don’t understand. One time she invited me out with her friends from high school. I waited outside her building for two hours, while the other friends waited in the parking lot for two hours, because we didn’t know how to find each other. She eventually came outside at 10:30 pm. We went to Friendly’s. She made us stop at her house so she could grab something. We pulled up a long, winding driveway and stopped in a parking lot. At the end of the parking lot were stone stairs that lead up to a mansion on a hill. She ran inside and the rest of us stayed in the car, listening to High School Musical and talking about Supernatural. When she came out 40 minutes later we decided to try and prank her. It went wrong. We almost ran over her friend’s sister with the car. They invited me to a pumpkin patch. When I started complaining about my roommate, she asked me to move in with her. I thought about the other three girls who had seemingly gone missing. I politely declined. Six months after I left the school, I received a text from her asking for notes for an exam, and radio silence after that. I can’t find her on facebook. I fear she might have gone missing too.

- One night, as I was standing outside huddled in the cold, a boy came up and offered me a cigarette to help me stay warm. I turned it down, but he stood around talking to me for a few minutes afterwards. I felt absolutely no awkwardness at all. He was a musician from Colorado. He sang a bit of one of his songs. He was dropping out of school to go to California the next week. He told me I had beautiful eyes, but his were the most alive eyes I’ve ever seen so I couldn’t believe the compliment. We talked for about ten minutes and I fell a little bit in love. He had to rush off to a club meeting, but he told me he’d rather keep talking. He gave me the sweetest smile before he left. I didn’t get his last name or number and I never saw him again.

- There was a dance on Halloween. I couldn’t think of a sufficiently slutty yet classy costume, so I just went as Osgood from Doctor Who. When I got there there was a huge crowd, but people quickly grew bored and started leaving. There ended up being six people left (myself included). We stayed because we could see the upset faces of everyone who had planned the event, but actually had one of the most fun nights of my life. We- myself, the girl from across the hall, Trench Coat Boy, his tiny friend who never spoke, and a boy and girl I didn’t know who seemed to be professional dancers- danced nonstop for almost three hours. The strobe lights and poppy music solidified an unspoken bond. I had never and to this day haven’t felt as free as I did that night. The tiny quiet boy’s smile could have lit up a city. It’s etched into my mind. We all left the dance talking about the surreal feeling in the air, as if something had shifted. None of us ever mentioned the dance again. It’s still one of my fondest memories.

- For a solid month, there was someone in a gorilla costume running around campus.

- There was a rash of sexual assaults on campus. A gang of boys kept jumping girls in the woods. The only thing the school board did was give out free rape whistles at lunch one day. I missed that day, making me one of the only students on campus without a whistle. Later that night when I ordered pizza, the delivery guy tried to start up a conversation with me about all the assaults. He blamed the girls. I took back my tip.

- Sometimes the showers just…filled up with black sludge. No one knew why.

- The girls in the room next to me were very bizarre. They always shot me odd looks and whispered to each other constantly. I couldn’t figure out if they were sleeping together or not. They never washed their hands when we were in the bathroom.

- The doors to each dorm were thick and heavy and required effort to push them open. My roommate and I made sure to lock ours every night, and would triple check it. It swung open by itself almost every night. The channels on the tv would change with the remote equidistance away from us. Sometimes I heard humming in the showers when I was the only one in there.

- My roommate…deserves a whole separate post dedicated to her, honestly.

- She would call her mother and have her do her homework for her. She blasted music constantly, and it was either country or hard rap, nothing in between. She sexiled me constantly. I once walked in on anal. She’d meet guys on Tinder, fall in love with them after a couple of days, and then bring them into the school and into our room like it was no big deal. One of them made it clear he was a budding serial killer. She was in a new drama every week. One time someone called her a dilf on Yik Yak. She was firmly convinced her cousin was blonde because her aunt dyed her hair when she was pregnant. She tried her hardest to get me laid by a football player. She was the loudest drunk I’ve ever encountered. Honestly there’s just too much about her for this omfg

- John Zaffis, the famous paranormal researcher, came to the school on my birthday. I went because I’m a loser who’s been watching shows with him since I was a kid, and I was having a bad day so I decided it could be a treat. I sat in the front row. He held an uncomfortable amount of eye contact with me the entire presentation. He was impressed with my questions. He lamented about the fact he’s always cut out of movies or replaced by priests that look like him. He apparently came to the school every year around Halloween to do a ghost tour around the campus for the students. A girl allegedly killed herself in my floor’s bathroom. He apparently always got a lot of activity around the campus. Everyone in the freshman class started wondering if the rumors about the Native American burial ground were true.

- One time in “writing” class the teacher gave us a number and then whatever song came up as that when we put our music on shuffle we had to play for the class. I ended up with “Touch Me” from Spring Awakening. Midway through the song, the teacher from another class came to complain that they could hear everything. My teacher tried to defend that all music has an important message. “Molly, dear, tell her the message in this song!” I looked around the room and at the other teacher. “It’s about sex,” I said quietly. She stormed out of the room while the class started laughing.

- There was this girl that just had the natural ability to make anything boring. I feel bad saying that, because she’s such a sweet girl, and she’s smart, and she’s gorgeous, and she’s talented, but just…every time she says anything, it’s boring. I’m still friends with her on facebook, the talent transcends to writing as well. You could be having a fun, lively conversation and she could say something completely relevant to the point and yet it would still just be boring. It’s a baffling talent, I still don’t understand how she does it.

- There was a boy who’d come into my room. He lusted over my s’mores poptarts. He kept trying to hit the high notes in Broadway songs. He didn’t understand my sense of humor at all, so we both were constantly worried we were offending each other. He cried about Selena Gomez a lot.

- The dining hall only offered horrendous food. I had pasta almost every night because it was the only thing remotely edible. If you wanted good food, you had to go to Late Night, which was between like 10:30 and 1 I think??? They set it up specifically for stoners and people leaving parties. I was frequently the only sober person there. Except for the moths.

- The chief at the pasta place found out I like theater and got like…weirdly passionate about it. He kept telling me about different theater groups in the area and wanted to know if I was in the school musical. He asked me every time I went up for food.

- There was a disproportionate amount of large black birds to trees. It wasn’t hard to figure out why we so rarely saw smaller animals

- When I told my advisor I was thinking about leaving (mostly for financial reasons but also the fake classes were preventing me from getting an education I wanted, you know?), this little old man looked around his office as if checking for people listening in, then put his hand on top of mine, leaned in close, and whispered “Oh, you sweet little girl. Run as fast as you can.”

There’s definitely more but listen. This school was weird and fake and vaguely surreal and off-kilter. I am fully afraid that one day, years from now, I’m going to be driving through the back roads and pass the place where the campus should be, only I won’t find anything there at all, and won’t be able to find any trace of it ever existing. I won’t be able to find any record of it. I won’t be able to find a record of any of the people. Every time I think about this place I just get a weird feeling, like I somehow managed to escape the Twilight Zone but left a part of me behind in the process. Be careful when applying to college, kids.

AUs

Here are some aus, divided in different themes.

College themed

  1. I’m really passionate about this cause and I will give you this flier if I have to shove it down your throat
  2. My roommate’s boyfriend is staying over so can I please sleep on your floor
  3. We’re studying in the library and there are two people very obviously fucking in the stacks and we keep sharing embarrassed glances
  4. You peed on my car. You were drunk. I was in the car. There will be hell to pay
  5. My friend dragged me to this party and I just saw my ex quick make out with me
  6. It’s 3am, in the dead of winter, some motherfucker pulled/set off the fire alarm and I am being very vocal about how I’m gonna make that fucker pay
  7. I swear I’m wearing this Batman costume because of a dare
  8. Accidentally knocked on the wrong dorm room college au
  9. Heard a scream and thought you were getting killed but it was just a spider
  10. Somehow, we always end up sitting next to each other during the weekly gatherings to watch [Game of Thrones, SVU, Rupaul’s Drag Race, pick a show] in our dorm’s really good TV room 
  11. I took a bunch of free condoms from health services just because i could and they all fell out of my bag at once and now you’re staring at me weirdly

Awkward first meeting themed

  1. “This horrible umbrella won’t extend! Oh shit I just hit you in the stomach/crotch! I’m so sorry!”
  2. “I just tripped and fell face first into your crotch, god end my life now please.”
  3. “I drunkenly tried to fight you and knocked myself out but you were kind enough to take care of me till I woke up.”
  4. Trapped in a bank during a robbery 
  5. “I met you last night when you were drunkenly patting my dog in my backyard at 3 in the morning and when i asked you what the hell you were doing you slurred something about dogs being great and then you threw up on my feet and then fifteen minutes later you were passed out on my couch so that’s why you’re here right now also what the fuck is your name and why were you patting a dog in a stranger’s backyard in the middle of the night”
  6. “Last night was a haze for both of us and somehow we woke up hungover in a bed that isn’t either of ours and also neither of us recognize this apartment we should probably get out of here before someone calls the cops on us”
  7. “You found me hanging by my fingertips from your window and i don’t want to tell you i was trying to rob you but idk how else to explain this and i don’t want to go to jail and also you’re kind of cute we should make out when i’m not clinging onto your window ledge for my life”
  8. ‘you thought i was someone else and started making out with me at a club and you’re really hot so i just went with it and now we’re heading back to your place and idk how to break it to you’
  9. ‘we’re two thirds of the threesome we had last night and we’re walking awkwardly out of the last persons’s apartment together’
  10. ‘i’ve had a really awful day so i started kicking a car out of frustration and it turned out to be your car i’m so sorry’
  11. “I ordered pizza but the pizzeria got my order wrong so now I’m screaming at my really cute pizza delivery boy because I’m angry and very hungry”

Nobility themed

  1. “your country’s trying to take over/annex my country and you’re making it difficult to hate you because you’re so nice and attractive stop it”
  2. “we’ve been engaged to be married since we were three but this is the first time we’ve met and your portraits really don’t do you justice”
  3. “i’m a prince/ss and you’re a servant and we’re not supposed to hang out but we’re gonna fall in love anyways”

Opposites attract themed

  1. a hopeless romantic and a single-but-proud meet at a store on valentine’s day. the latter is buying valentine cards ironically, the former buying them sincerely in hopes of getting a date
  2. a scary-looking person who unintentionally makes kids cry and a daycare volunteer meet at a children-filled park
  3. rebellious teenager who’s failing all their classes is assigned a studious tutor
  4. really distinguished food critic and fast food chef
  5. a hopeless romantic and a horny beast are set up on a blind date

High school themed

  1. “We’re the only ones in detention”
  2. “I desperately need my books but my locker is blocked and you’re the only one in the hall”
  3. “Someone wrote I’m cute in the bathroom stall and your notes match the handwriting”
  4. “I twisted my ankle and you’re the only one here strong enough to carry me to the nurse’s office but we’re both really awkward”
  5. “We were both left out when everyone was picking partners and now we always choose each other when we have classes together”
  6. “I lent you my cool pencil months ago and you still use it”
  7. “I accidentally took your notebook thinking it was mine and you have really nice handwriting and cute doodles”
  8. “You started sitting by me at lunch because I’m alone at my table but we never talk to each other”
  9. “I was really hungry but had no money and you bought me lunch even though I don’t know you”
  10. “I left my phone number on the bathroom stall wall and you text me about your day and your frustrations for a month & it’s really nice and cute but I still don’t know who you are”
  11. “I fell asleep on your couch after a party but you didn’t complain and made breakfast for the both of us”
  12. sharing a textbook and leaving each other notes and answers in page corners
  13. found their phone number in a library book
  14. dancing partners
  15. younger siblings are best friends
  16. playing romantic interests in a play
  17. “yes i understand that it’s may and this classroom is stuffy but why are you taking your shirt off and why aren’t you in trouble (not that i mind)”
  18. “i can’t believe you dropped the frog we’re dissecting on tHE FLOOR WHAT THE FUCK”
  19. “i’m fightin this person and they shoved me into u im sooo sorry- oh hey you’re cute- oH MY GOD UR KICKIN ASS MARRY ME!!! PLEASE!!!!”
  20. “you asked me to prom by filling my locker with ping pong balls that say “prom?” on them but i tripped on one and smacked my head on a locker but thanks for taking me to the nurse!!! i still want to go with you!!”

Ridicously sentence themed

  1. “I’m going to need you to put on some underwear before you say anything else.“ 
  2. "Quick catch that cat it stole my wallet!”
  3. “I hope you know that my name is actually ________.”
  4. “That is the tenth demon summoning this week holy shit.”
  5. “Please put me down it’s just a sprained ankle" 
  6. “Why exactly do you need chloroform at 2AM?”
  7. “I’m like 75% this won’t explode on us.”
  8. “I understand the whole sleep talking thing but what I don’t understand is the princess dragon dream and why I’m in it.”
  9. “I’m sorry that I got way too into playing house and accidentally kissed you passionately.”

Height difference themed

  1. “I’m in a bookshop and I really need that book can you get it for me??? Wait you’ve read that book? let’s have an in depth conversation about it.”
  2. “You were trying to reach for a box of cereal and a whole shelf’s-worth of cereal boxes fell on you here let me help”
  3. “We’re both baristas and sometimes I have trouble reaching for things and I show up to work one day to find a personalized stool with hearts and my name on it i hATE YOU but also thanks”
  4. “You are very tall and I am very short so you run into me all the time and honestly this is getting ridiculous”
  5. I’m in art class and I just opened a cupboard to find a tiny person (you) squished inside and you just looked at and said “shh i’m hiding”
  6. “We’re on the bus and I’m really not trying to take up your space I’m sorry I just have rlly rlly long legs” 
  7. “You’re afraid that you’ll lose me in big crowds so you always hold my hand but now you just hold my hand when there’s only, like, five people around and I’m getting vry suspicious” 

Reincarnation themed

  1. I fell in love with you three lifetimes ago and I’ve been looking for you ever since but I’ve been starting to give up and my friend’s new crush has your eyes and oh god I’m not going to steal someone’s date just because I’m hoping you’re the person I met in a past life
  2. We keep reincarnating as people who speak different languages and it’s kind of pissing me off because I can never initially confirm if it’s you but at least I keep learning a bunch of cool new languages each lifetime

Mythical creatures themed

  1. “i’m a newly-turned werewolf without a pack and i can’t really control myself well on full moon nights yet and you keep finding me passed out naked on your lawn”
  2. “i got cursed and turned into an animal and taken to the shelter and ended up getting adopted by someone who is really hot OH NO”
  3. “i’m a history major and i keep getting into arguments with one of my classmates about things because they keep saying i’m wrong so i finally scream, ‘how would you know?!?’ and they’re like, ‘because i was THERE!’ and that’s how we all find out that there is a centuries-old vampire taking our British history class”

Funny meeting at a party themed

  1. “i was on my balcony and you started loudly quoting romeo and juliet at me”
  2. “spilled my drink down your shirt and then tried to drink it off you”
  3. “we had an impromptu rap duet in the middle of the party”
  4. “you kept asking everyone to play the cha cha slide then proceeded to pass out when the song started”
  5. “you keep shouting “THIS IS MY JAM” at every song that comes on i have a headache the size of nebraska you’re lucky you’re cute”
  6. “whenever you saw me you’d shout ‘WHOOOOOOOOO’ really loudly and then do finger guns at me before walking off to god knows where”
  7. “you thought I was your friend and pulled me up on the table to dance with you now you’re shirtless and grinding on me”
  8. “you got up to the mic and started singing and holy shit you’re really good???”
  9. “you’re really bad at beer pong but you do this really cute dance before you throw the ball so I’m letting you stay on my team”
  10. “our mutual friend dared the two of us to chug a whole pint of beer and I’m not going to let you beat me”
  11. “we both grabbed for the last bottle of the good beer and i’m not saying we’re going to fight for it but we are”

Competitive themed

  1. we’re both ‘team leaders’ at a summer camp for little people and you may be hot but goddammit my collection of twelve-year-olds are going to beat yours into the dust
  2. I used to be the best baker in the neighbourhood but then you showed up at Mrs Appleby’s 80th birthday with a stack of brownies which almost gave me an orgasm my honour is at stake and I’m going all out for the next event
  3. a mutual friend invited us to their laser tag party and we’re the last two alive on opposite teams and goddammit if I’m going down you’re going down with me
  4. you’re going to be at the halloween party and you’ve won best costume for the past three years but this year I am wearing the best costume ever if you defeat me I will eat my - wait you actually look really cute when did you turn hot what the fuck um
  5. we’re always making stupid bets like 'bet you can’t drink this whole bottle of BBQ sauce’ but then you did and now you’re sick and I feel really bad here let me look after you
  6. did you actually just blue shell me on our date you fucker

“We’re bad at dating” themed

  1. I can’t tell whether this is a date because you asked to see a movie but I’m still not sure you’re queer, and I’m toeing the line because maybe you’re just trying to make friends
  2. I decided to flip a coin about every decision in my life for a week and that’s how we ended up on a date
  3. We’re both meant to be going on blind dates with other people but we sat down at the wrong table and got our hopes up
  4. We had one really bad date and never spoke again and now our friends have set us up on a blind date
  5. We’re going on a blind date - but wait a moment, aren’t you that went down on me in a back alley behind a club year ago? … what do you mean “which one”?
  6. You’re my waiter and I’m on a really crappy date with an asshole
All For Show

Valentine’s Day Special #2

Pair : Steve Rogers x Reader

8. You ask your best friend to pretend to be your boyfriend for your sisters couples dinner party. Requested by anon. 

Warning : Language

Word Count : 2,434

Three knocks, that’s all it took before Steve opened the door. He stood there, wearing a tank top and sweats, and his hair damped from sweat, which only meant he just came back from the gym.

“Hey, didn’t expect you here today.” He smiled, waving you in.

“I know, but I needed to talk to you.”

You walked in to his apartment, and plopped down onto his couch. His place was like your second home. You were always there, and if you weren’t, then you two were at your place.

“Beer?” He asked, walking to the kitchen.

“Nah, just water.”

Steve tossed you a water bottle, as he started back toward the living room where you waited.

You took a big swig of the water and felt the cold liquid trickle down your throat. Making you feel somewhat at ease.

“So what did you need to talk to me about?” Steve asked, leaning against the wall across from you.

For some reason you were feeling nervous. Which was strange. Steve was your best friend. You two were so close, you were able to talk to him about anything. He’s seen you in sweats with no makeup on. He’s helped you when you were a drunken mess. And yet, you were somehow nervous about this topic.

“Y/N.” he snapped his fingers, catching your attention. “You okay?”

You slowly nodded, running your hand through your hair. Something you did when you were nervous.

“So my sister is throwing a couples party tomorrow night, and when I RSVP’d a month ago, I was dating Jared-”

“The asshole.” He cut you off.

“Woah, language.” You teased.

He dramatically rolled his eyes and huffed. “Anyways, go on.”

“As I was saying, I told her I’d go and now she’s expecting me to be there.”

“So?” He drawled out.

You swallowed hard, meeting your best friends gaze.

“I was wondering if you can go as my fake boyfriend.” You slightly winced as the words finally fell from your lips.

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Concept: Magnus gets the idea to train service dogs from watching his friends struggle with PTSD after destroying the Hunger.

Sure, the world is saved and everything is at peace and the entire IPRE crew gets happy endings.  But the events of the past year, past ten years, past one hundred years don’t just go away because you’re at peace.  In real life, it’s when you get out of the shitty, surviving day-to-day situations that you realize you haven’t been coping, just…managing.  It’s then that your survival mechanisms keep going because you’ve needed them for so long, but there’s nothing to survive.

It’s been implied that Taako has trouble with nightmares within the podcast, so imagine him finally settling down, opening up his magic school, reunited with his sister and brother-in-law and in a nice, stable relationship with a sweet boyfriend…but he still has nightmares.  Maybe they’re even worse now, since he can remember the stolen century.

Not to mention, I think he and Lup will have this sort of borderline co-dependent relationship for a while, particularly on Taako’s part.  Lup…well, it’s hard to say she was with Taako, exactly, but she wasn’t without him.  And she never lost him.  It’s also canon that Taako hates being alone, most likely because he knows he isn’t supposed to be.

So Taako is living his life, making public appearances, eating up the attention as he is wont to do, and then at night, he’s got these nightmares.  While I imagine that Kravitz, Lup, and Barry aren’t the only reapers, I do imagine that they keep odd hours and there are times when they are all busy.  So now he has sleepless, lonely nights, spent worrying about his family.

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Incredulity // Jughead Smut

Summary: Fred Andrews is the single parent of twins. He walks in on his daughter with her girlfriend in the middle of sex. Following that breakup you got together with your brothers best friend whom doesn’t have experience in sex so you teach your boyfriend. Guess your not the only twin in a forbidden relationship…only one is legal.

Characters: Jughead x Andrews!Reader, Betty x Reader, Kevin Keller, Archie Andrews (mentioned) and Fred Andrews

Words: 3237

Disclaimer: I do not own Riverdale or the characters. I do not own the Comics either. Jughead is NOT asexual in his.

Warnings: Swearing, underage drinking, smut, former same sex relationship,

Author: Caitsy

Tagging: At the bottom

A/N Originally this was going to be a Veronica fic but apparently my subconscious was needy for Jughead.

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Jokes were always made about the Andrews twins, Archie was the boy that got hit by the puberty bus during the summer before sophomore year. You however had came out of the awkward phase a lot early than your twin brother, it was the end of middle school when you hit puberty in the most graceful way.

While Archie incredibly straight, you were bisexual with no real preference to be honest. Nobody believed that you were bisexual, especially your dad because he had never seen you look at a female before. Fred Andrews got a rude awakening when he walked in on Betty Cooper going down on his freshmen aged daughter. Next the whole town found out about the relationship, minus the sexual side, with the knowledge that Betty had been crushing on you. It was purely fun for you and experimental for her so it didn’t cause any problems when she discovered she was only into guys and actually liked your twin. You guys continued to be best friends.

It was amusing when your father walked in on Betty and you because he fumbled through the safe sex talk. He didn’t know much about safe sex between females but he tried his best even if both of you were embarrassed beyond belief. He was happy however that you wouldn’t become the parental nightmare of pregnant teenager.

It was the last day of summer that he caught you with your boyfriend in bed together and getting the shock of his life for the second time. Jughead and you had gotten together at the very end of freshman year. Nobody, even Archie whom knew everything about you, knew about it because there was no real reason that they needed to know. You were a slut by any means, you only had had sex with Betty so you didn’t care if someone found out that Jughead and you were together. The only thing was that you hadn’t gone that far yet.

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Our Pet Monster

TW: Mentions of Pedophilia

When we moved to Pine Drive, I never expected to find a conspiracy among the kids there.

I was an only child and a loner, thanks to my parents always moving. My dad’s job had him hopping from state to state. It was a pretty tough going if you wanted to make friends. But he promised that we’d stay at least six months here, so I had a chance to make at least one friend.

And whadya know, on my block, there were a ton of kids to make friends with.

I didn’t even really have to try. Two days after moving in, the Langley twins Diana and David were pounding on my door, asking who owned that bike parked in the front yard and if they wanted to play. I was shy but the twins were ecstatic to meet me.

Apparently their group had an odd number before I moved in and they needed equal teams to play their games with.

There was Alicia, who was six, she was the baby but she was very sweet. The oldest was Fletcher who was thirteen but his social skills were a bit behind so he didn’t mind hanging out with a bunch of nine and ten year olds. I think there was about ten of us all in all.

But I learned soon enough that there was a secret each of them shared.

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5 REASONS TO FALL IN LOVE:

      When it came to love, you never understood what all the fuss was about, truly, you didn’t. Not until you met Steve Harrington, that is, and the whole world just started making sense.


EARLY MORNING KISSES:

The first privilege came in arguably the most affectionate show of love – a kiss placed on your lips so early in the morning you never quite know whether you’re dreaming or awake. And it is the absolute sweetest because you are the first thing on Steve’s mind when he opens his eyes and the last one before he closes them.

Early birds chirp their cheery tunes at dawn and the sun slowly rises; bright rays peak through the closed curtains of your room and burn the side of your cheek in almost a loving way. Steve is the first to stir – naturally, he is much more sensitive to sudden changes in lighting and temperature – and once he pries one hazy sleep ridden eye open all he can make out is a blurry image of your white ceiling. He blinks a few times, inhales a few breaths that taste like your perfume before his senses finally flow back into him and he tilts his head to the side. His hair sticks to his face and he shoves it out his eyes; he sees you still deep in sleep and most likely dreaming. And he wastes no time to lay his hand on your waist, feel your hot skin burn his fingertips as a lazy smile blooms on his lips. This peace lasts a moment, or possibly much longer, after all it’s hard to tell time when most of the world is still sleeping. He leans in and captures your lips in a soft kiss – a kiss he gives you every morning because true to the fairytale of Sleeping Beauty, you can only be awoken by a true loves kiss. He tried other methods. Tickling. Calling your name. A dozen alarm clocks. Nothing got a reaction, except this one thing and he did not use it sparingly.

The vast skies of dreams cloud with reality as slowly you feel yourself sucked into a stuffy, hot room, with dewy sweat coating your skin and batches of hair tickling your cheeks. The senses alert  in one deep inhale and you grin immediately once you realize that Steve’s lips still rest on yours; a raspy giggle escapes you as you playfully smack his arm and he gradually, with one last peck on your cheek and a sweet and hoarse ‘Good morning…’ moves back to his pillow. Your hand finds his under the sheets, your fingers squeezing his as you hum.

Babe…” You whisper.

“Yea?”

Not morning…”

“Morning. School.”

No.”


MOVIE DATES:

Hawkins Movie Theatre is your favorite spot to hang out and of course Steve knows this. After all, he took you here on your first date. So each time you stepped through those double doors felt like the first time holding his hand all over again.

Midnight séance. A horror movie with flashy imagery and more nudity than you expected plays on screen as teenagers that are legal and not sit in couples and whisper amongst themselves. You sink into the plush red seat and inhale the scent of popcorn, cola, and something frying. The sounds are loud and unpleasant and you have to refrain from cringing when the volume jumps just a bit too loud. Your eyes stay glued to the screen despite the urge to ogle your boyfriend – you know that once you glance at him you will be unable to look away.

His hand rests on your thigh. Naturally, shoulder hugs are only for starting lovebirds, but you still remember how he pulled the old ‘yawn-wrap-my-arm-around-your-shoulders-don’t-freak-out-please’ shtick on you and how you absolutely swooned. Suddenly memories appear more interesting than the movie and you drift away. Oh, what a rainy day it had been when he had asked you out, not all that smug and cool. Not like the rumors painted him to be at all. He caught you after school, after basketball practice, as you were leaving your club with a stack of books and flyers occupying the space in your hands. He had offered to carry some heavier books and you had smiled sweetly at him for it. Then, once you reached your locker, and as you put the clutter away he had asked you if you wanted to ‘Catch a movie sometime?’. Your first reaction was to raise a brow in confusion and mild amusement. When you saw that he was serious, and despite himself nervous, your cheeks bloomed red and a shaky ‘Yeah…I’d like that’ fell from your lips before you could even think about it.

Steve’s hand squeezes your thigh and you perk up. Meeting eyes with him you try to bite down the smile. Seems he got bored of the movie, too.


SHARING SECRETS:

Your house had been turned upside down as you, in great anger, tried to explain what the hell had happened to one of your friends. And how no one was supposed to know about it.

Steve sat on your bed with a book in his hand – English literature, can’t say it’s his favorite – as you pace around the small space of your room with your hands up in the air repeating the same wild gestures as you fight to control the volume of your voice. With blushed cheeks and a permanent frown on your face, you suddenly halt and stare at him, “Can you believe it?!”

“No.” He says, turning a page, “How could she?” His voice tatters on the edge of genuine interest. Frankly, he doesn’t think it’s that big of a deal, but if you want to vent he isn’t going to stop you.

“I know, right!?” You release a frustrated sigh and run a shaky hand through your hair; a moment of absolute silence passes and worried Steve glances up at you. Wide eyed, you state, “I don’t think I can be friends with her after this.”

You want his opinion. Dear God, you want his opinion. His advice is debatable in quality (Dustin, after all, didn’t get the girl despite Steve’s 100% proven technique) and to toss in his two cents in the beef that you have with your friend? This may potentially ruin your and hers friendship, or at the very least what’s left of it. Silently, he puts the book aside and motions for you to come closer. Sadly you walk over, and gently grasping your hand he pulls you into his lap. His head comes to rest on your shoulder as his arms wrap around your waist and you find a comfortable position to rest. A heavy sigh escapes your lips and he can’t help but frown. He doesn’t want to see you like this.

Hey…” He calls softly, his fingers hooking some loose strands of (color) hair over your ear, “Don’t be sad. I mean, I’m really not the best person to discuss girl troubles with, but like you said…She’s a bitch.”

You nod, “I know, but…But she’s my bitch, Steve.”

He thinks, “…Yeah. She’s your bitch.”

“I should call her.”

“Yep. You go do that.”


TAKING PICTURES TOGETHER:

You love looking at pictures. Especially on rainy days when there is nothing better to do and the need for social interaction is on an all-time low. You suppose you like them so much because they are proof. Proof that something magical had happened.

Oh my God!” Your mother cries, her hands grasping the Polaroid camera as if her life depends on it, “Oh my God, (F/Name)! (F/Name) come here! Our little baby’s all grown up now!” Her voice cracks at the end and you can’t help but release an amused smile.

You share a look with Steve. He gives a shrug. The two of you stand together, his arm around your waist. Graduation. You wear your best dress, finest hairdo, and perfect smile. You are positive Steve put an extra hours’ worth of work into his hair today, and you have the sudden urge to run your finger through it, though the amount of self-control you have surprises even you.

Another flash lights up the room and flinch and squint your eyes to shield yourself from the sudden attack. This is possibly the sixteenth picture that had fallen to the floor with your mothers promise to ‘Pick it up later! Now pose!’. Not having the heart in you to refuse her, you straighten your back, smile to the camera, and pray that you don’t look half as uncomfortable as you feel. Steve leans in and you feel his breath brush your ear, “Do you think she’ll ever stop?”

“Smile and pretend like you’re having a good time, sweetie.”


VIBING ALL NIGHT LONG:

The amount of records you have stocked up in your room makes Steve proud to call you his girl. The fact that the two of you share the same music taste is a huge plus, too.

…And your favorite song starts playing on the radio that goes in perfect tune with your laughing. Steve’s car suddenly turns into a dance floor – you squirm in your seat and do quick work to open the window to let the whole neighborhood hear your jam. The stars shape into fairy lights and street lamps flicker like at the disco on a Friday night. You close your eyes and inhale the scent of dewy grass as and wind and pollinated sleeping flowers. Summer is your favorite time of year, and no matter what hour you decide to sneak out the house you always find yourself in a permanent state of daze and awe. Last remnants of heat tickle your cheeks and you flash your eyes open, look at Steve and he shares your brilliant smile.

You hold your choice of beer up to his face, “Sippy!” You demand. He gives you a dismissive laugh, his hands firmly on the steering wheel as he continues to drive around.

“I can’t—“ But before he can finish you turn up the volume and demand again.

“Sippy!”

“I’ll have to park the car!” He warns. You shake your head, “We’ll have to walk a mile home!”

“Don’t care! Sippy!”



a/n: edited this at 3am lmao don’t @ me if u find mistakes orz
ALSO! FEEL FREE TO ADD TO THE LIST <3

if you like my stuff and want to support me, don’t forget to treat me to a KO-FI! take part in the 7K followers gift HERE!

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forever tags: @tozierswheelers @princesspeach212@ohblue@phillipas00@ichigothewisewolf@alittlebitofmagic@vanillaladyuniverse@onehellofdevilotaku@itsallinyourimagination @whatshernamemaria@magical-spit @viixenbriiar @averagewemo@sams-my-babys-daddy @jordysgirl87 @iamhereyoudidthis @thehuntchback@badbitsh13 @orchiddarling @michelangelui@hugeroftrees @pupylvr4905@gcnnyweasleys@nerdysandwichqueen @oomylifeiseternalsufferingoo@cheshirecatbyul @broken-pieces  @multiphandom-unicorn @duncruce@mercymomlovesyouforever @ninetynineredballoonsgoby@httpvirtualgraves @eighties-hoe

OVERCOME (M)

Originally posted by jeonify


GENRE: noona&youngerboy, smut

BACKGROUND: Jungkook’s first time had left him traumatized of having sex ever again. It had gone so far to the point that a rumor had even spread about him not being able to get hard-ons. You then decide to step in and prove the rumor wrong. What was supposed to be a simple test of theory leads to a night that you weren’t going to forget for the rest of your life.

AUTHORS NOTE: Omg I haven’t written something in so long. I’m so sorry this took me quite a while. This actually started as a drabble but I kind of got too into it and finished it into a full blown story. I’ll be working on the remaining requests sent to me before, soon I promise you guys, I’m just trying to come up with ideas! But I do hope you enjoy this, tell me what you think. 

Jeon, as forever, is a sinful little shit. 

If there are any errors, I am sorry about those! I did proof read but I know I still missed some. 


Your pen hangs off of your lips, fingers tapping lightly against the glass table as you study the boy in front of you. He has his face buried between the pages of his Physics book, eyes scanning through each paragraph in close precision, oblvious of your scrutiny. You slowly turn your logistics book shut, choosing to ignore your studies as the conversation you had with your brother during last night’s party flashes through your mind.

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The Tea is Decaf

[ao3]

3.7k words
Dean/Cas, Sam/Eileen
Based on this text post

Castiel just barely slips out the door into the hallway and turns the knob as he closes it so the latch doesn’t make a sound. The light is always on in the hallway, and Dean always wakes up if too much of it pours into his room, so Castiel has mastered the art of slipping through the smallest space possible.

He breathes a sigh of relief once he’s in the hallway.

A small voice to his right lets out an amused laugh. He turns to see a particularly tiny woman wearing a very large plaid shirt and nothing else. Well, he supposes she could be wearing shorts under the shirt. It really is very big on her.

“You must be Castiel,” she says rather loudly, mispronouncing his name just slightly.

He walks over to her with a finger to his lips.

She puts her hand over her mouth in embarrassment before signing, I’m deaf.

Castiel mouths an “oh” before dropping his head and laughing. He then pops his head back up fast and mouths, “Are you Eileen?”

She nods eagerly and signs, You’ve heard about me?

Sam has mentioned you a few times, he signs back. He says you’re a very good hunter.

Her face lights up. You’re damn right I am. Still, that’s very sweet of him.

So, are you two…? Castiel looks back toward Sam’s room and then down at Eileen’s shirt.

Eileen’s eyes widen in embarrassment. He’s asleep. I was just going to the bathroom.

I was heading to the kitchen for a cup of tea. Would you like some?

Is there caffeine in it?

Not at 4 in the morning.

Eileen smiles and gives him a thumbs up before moving past him toward the bathroom. Castiel watches her go for a second before it hits him.

He looks down at his plain black t-shirt and too-small boxer briefs and wonders if Eileen could tell that these clothes aren’t his. And that he came out of Dean’s room instead of one of the countless other extra bedrooms in the bunker.

By the time Eileen pads into the kitchen, Castiel has two mugs ready with decaf teabags in them and he’s standing at the stove staring at the pot so he can pull it off the burner before it whistles.

It’s only a minute longer before Cas pours the water into the mugs and takes a seat across from Eileen at the kitchen table.

You’re an angel, aren’t you? Eileen asks as her tea steeps.

Castiel nods as he takes a drink.

Does that mean you don’t sleep?

Sometimes I do. I didn’t feel like it tonight.

Is Dean good in bed?

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How To Get A Guy To Like You

Pairing: Dean Winchester x Reader
Summary:Sometimes, internet can be helpful with love problems.
Warnings: Swearing
Word Count: 2.441
A/N: Thank you so much for the notes on the imagine before this one, people! They make me so happy, and I hope you’ll like it too! Friendly reminder, I absolutely love feedback! :) 
Gif’s not mine!

Growing up as a hunter sure had its disadvantages. Aside from the constant danger, being overall socially awkward due to not having time to get to know people, and always having to be on alert, you also made your peace with having to accept you didn’t know everything, especially when it came to humans, but you knew that you had to look for help when you needed it.

“Sam, I need help.”

Sam’s head shot up and he put the book down, sitting up straight almost immediately, “Sure. Are you in trouble?”

You cleared your throat as you sat down across him, and his eyes searched yours,

“Is this about Lucifer?”

“No-“

“Angels?”

“No-“

“Is it-“

“How do I get a guy to like me?”

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Stranger Things/Jim Hopper imagines - Behind closed doors

Originally posted by timmy-chalamet

AN: First of all, Season 2 is my life and my religion and Stranger Things is one of the best tv shows I’ve ever watched honestly how they topped season 1 is mind blowing. Also, me being me and you guys know me well, I was attracted to many characters on this show but Hopper is daddy (in more ways than one). I want to write more stranger things so stick around and send in requests for any character but let’s kick this off with some pure smut. You’re welcome. 

Summary: You get into some trouble and Hopper hides you away in the cabin until it blows over but isolation isn’t for you. (Basically this is what I figure would happen if Hopper had the argument with someone older.)

Pairing(s): Hopper x Reader

Word count: 1,593

Warnings: Reader is 18 so is of age. It’s cliche but you’ll like it, Mentions of dead parents. This is smut. So expect smut. Vaginal fingering, dry humping, rough sex, hair pulling, and strong language ahead. This takes place probably after season 2 as I need to use the cabin.  

You were such an idiot. You were always so careful and this is the time you get caught.

You went to the only person you knew that could help you and it was Jim Hopper. He was friends with your father when your father was alive and you figured your dad asked Hopper to look out for you if anything ever happened to him. 

Unfortunately for you, Hopper said there was nothing you could do except wait it out in hiding for it all to blow over and then took you out into the middle of nowhere to an old cabin and told you that this is where he hid Eleven. 

He told you that he didn’t know how long it would be until the storm passed but you’d be safe there. 

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valentine’s day // dylan o’brien

Summary: Dylan falls in love with a girl who hates Valentine’s Day

Requested: no

Pairing: Dylan & Y/N

Warning: yes, mature language, themes, & smut throughout

Masterlist

His long legs extended across her lap as he took a large gulp of the amber liquid. Sighing contently, he placed the glass bottle on the floor and snuggled deeper into his couch. Her hands were lazily drapped over his feet as she focused on the television. The movie that they had been watching was fairly interesting although she was having a bit of a hard time following the plot.

“Wait, is he the sister’s boyfriend?” Y/N asked her best friend who shook his head in return.

“No, that’s the guy they met at the bar who looks like the boyfriend.” Dylan explained.

Furrowing her eyebrows, Y/N continued to watch the film hoping somewhere along the way things would make sense.

This was their routine. Every Friday night for the past 3 years was spent on his lumpy couch drinking beer, eating pizza, and watching movies. As the ending credits started, Y/N let out a soft yawn as she extended her arms.

“What did you think?” Dylan asked, eager to know what she thought of the film. “I thought she was going to pick the boyfriend’s brother’s friend.” Y/N admitted with a giggle, thinking about the cliched love triangle movie she just watched. “The ending was very unexpected.”

Pulling his feet off of her lap, he sat on the edge of the couch.

“What about you?” She called out as he walked to the kitchen with his empty beer bottle.

“I was routing for the boyfriend’s brother’s friend too.” His laugh echoed throughout the kitchen.

Their friendship consisted of watching cheesy romance movies together, texts at 3am when they couldn’t sleep, and the comfort of knowing that they always had someone they could count on. It was completely platonic.

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Muñeca.

Paring: Bucky Barnes/Hispanic!Reader.

Warnings: SMUT. Reader being a HUGE flirt, spanish, talk about books and music in spanish, fingering, sofa sex, Bucky using some words in spanish. Alcohol.

Word Count: 1881.

Rating: 18+.

Masterlist.

Apparently some people in this fandom (read White People) have a problem with authors writing for readers of color, since I am a real Bitch and I’m fresh out of fucks I decided I was gonna write not one, but two POC Reader inserts, this is one of them. The next one is gonna be Black!Reader and Bucky. This is dedicated to that anon @papi-chulo-bucky got last week who was crying about Haunting Me being a POC reader insert and, of course, to all the other bitches who want to complain about POC!Reader inserts being discriminatory towards White People.

Yes, I’m The Queen of Salt.

Tagging; @sexylibrarian1 @thecrownedrose @erisjade @bladebarnes @ryverpenrad @acunningstargazer @palaiasaurus64 @marveldcmistress @supernatural-girl97 @sebstanchrisevanchickforever19

I mention my dad’s favorite book “Love in the Time of Cholera” by Gabriel García Márquez, you should check his books out.

Also, mentioned in the fic this argentinian group (hey! @connieisland) called Soda Stereo here are two songs one and two

And the lyrics are from this song by a Venezuelan rapper called Reis Belico.

Wow. This was long. By the way, Muñeca means doll.


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Night in the Woods Starters:
  • “I walked until I got arrested.”
  • “I will unlock your ass.”
  • “[NAME], bite my entire ass!”
  • “You look like crap.”
  • “Hooray for alcohol.”
  • “Stop kicking before you break your femur or something.”
  • “I used to have dreams about this thing. Sex dreams.”
  • “You up for some crimes?”
  • “Are you like, a Firefly Whisperer or something?”
  • “Zero self-confidence, huh?”
  • “Sorry for what I said.”
  • “Cold medicine makes me woozy.”
  • “It’s a fantastic ass, right?”
  • “Is there some kind of bug going around that makes people talk like fortune cookies?”
  • “You gave up the thing that I can’t have.”
  • “You are too dreamy.”
  • “Oh god, what is that smell?”
  • “I’m gonna get in shape and kick all asses.”
  • “I guess drinking beer is just one of those horrible things adults do like taxes and having babies.”
  • “Shut up already.”
  • “I was just saying you look like crap because I love you.”
  • “Let’s poke it with a stick.”
  • “Don’t taser me or anything.”
  • “Well, that was really interesting, but I need to go listen to my cells die.”
  • “Ew babies.”
  • “I could have been wearing my underwear.”
  • “Don’t wear pants on my accord.”
  • “Too bad you didn’t catch a flesh eating disease.”
  • “FBI, FREEZE!”
  • “Too bad you didn’t die at college.”
  • “Through the woods is my bed and my negligent parents.”
  • “I don’t think I have the upper body strength to climb this.”
  • “No one’s forgotten who you are and what you did, you know.”
  • “Your mouth tastes like broken dreams.”
  • “He’s/she’s like something out of a children’s book.”
  • “You always have a choice.”
  • “I may have dropped out of college, but you’re eating out of a trash can.”
  • “Because you’re my friend, you asshole.”
  • “I think I cried nonstop until I was like, nine.”
  • “Your body is like, ‘uh, whoa, I almost died’.”
  • “I was completely alone in the pantry.”
  • “At the end of everything, hold on to anything.”
  • “Thou art a rude and naughty boy/girl.”
  • “If anyone’s gonna ruin your night, [NAME], it should be you.”
  • “Do you think we’d still be friends if we weren’t like, stuck together in the same town?”
  • “Don’t poke dead body parts with sticks.”
  • “Stress does weird things to people.”
  • “Don’t panic, but we’re maybe gonna all die soon.”
  • “Our mothers/fathers told us not to talk to you.”
  • “Hey, teens.”
  • “Come on, let’s go steal from my boss.”
  • “I’m [NAME], and this is [NAME]. She’s/he’s a crazy person.”
  • “Everything sucks forever.”
  • “You shouldn’t insult people larger than you.”
  • “Things were so scary and cool back then.”
  • “Hey, you interested in a coffin?”
  • “I got nightmare eyes.”
  • “Something broke inside my head.”
I’m falling apart

A/N: Reader is Jensen’s little sister who is going through a tough time with depression and Jensen is determined to help her. If this becomes a series it’s gonna be super dramatic & probably kinda twisty.

Trigger warning: Depression, suicidal thoughts.

Jensen threw his head back laughing at a joke Jared made. Looking around the table he realized how lucky he was. He was sitting at a table in Rome surrounded by his friends and fellow cast mates, enjoying the night. Tomorrow was the first day of the convention and the few days following it him and Jared would tour the city some before heading back home to his family. A gentle smile fell on Jensen’s lips when he thought about Danneel and the kids in Austin and all the plans they had for the hiatus.

Feeling his phone vibrate in his pocket, Jensen grabbed it, smiling even wider when he saw Danneel’s name pop up on the caller ID.

“Hey babe.” He answered.

“Hey Jay.” Danneel’s voice responded, only something sounded off in her tone.

“What’s up?” Jensen said, standing up from his seat and walking away from the group, “You sound worried.”

“Yeah, I mean, I’m sure it’s nothing but…” Danneel trailed on.

“You’re kinda worrying me here Dee. What’s going on?” Jensen pushed.

“It’s Y/N.” Danneel responded.

“My sister? Is she okay?” Jensen quickly pushed.

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Dusk to Dawn | 1 | jjk

pairing: jungkook x reader 

genre: soulmate!AU angst, fluff, smut

warnings: swearing, smut, use of alcohol, smoking, lowkey going to be heartbreaking

word count: 11.6K

summary: You meet Jungkook in psychology class who acts like he has it all figured out, however as you two get closer you realize you are more alike than you two originally thought. Unfortunately for the two of you, fate has another plan in mind which will test yours and Jungkook’s relationship in more ways than one. 

part 1 of 2 

Originally posted by jeonyween


Fall Semester 

August 

The first day of the new fall semester has been nothing less of eventful. Not only did you sleep past your alarm by more than thirty minutes, not only did you not get a cup of coffee in you this morning, not only did you realize that you had forgotten your psychology textbook back at your apartment until you got to class, and not only were you ten minutes late to class, you somehow were able to calm yourself down enough to where you did not cause a commotion once you entered the lecture hall.

Once you sat down, places towards the back mainly open, you opened your laptop trying to blend in with everyone like you had not just missed the first ten minutes of class. You focused in on what your professor was saying, trying to ignore the fact that you had also forgotten to brush your teeth as well.

“In my class, we will learn about all sorts of things,” the professor states, “From children, to sociopaths, the human mind, to medicine, to love… and sex,” he pauses for a moment, a smirk on his face, “and yes, we will be talking about soulmates, too for those wondering, although many of you may already know where I’m at with this,” he continues.

Your face suddenly drops. Soulmate. You have heard the term all of your life and as you have gotten older, the more you try to ignore it.

Your older sister soulmate’s name carved into her left wrist at the tender age of fourteen and found the guy when she was seventeen. Your best friend soulmate’s named etched its name onto his left wrist when he was eighteen. The special thing about your soulmate’s mark, is that their name is written in their handwriting. A sacred thing that you have yet to experience. Everyone you knew, had received a name by the time they were eighteen… except you.

You were now 21, going on 22 and a name still has yet to be marked on you. You’ve heard stories of people never finding their soulmate and dying alone and depressed. Not only that, but you have also heard of the physical pain that comes along when never finding a soulmate.

Thankfully you have never experienced any physical pain yet, which gives you hope that the name is still yet to come.

“Excuse me,” a voice, a whisper, knocks you out of your thoughts. You glance over to see a boy with light brown hair and big doe brown eyes staring at you. “I think you dropped this,” there in front of you, the mysterious boy holds up a pencil that must have slipped out of your hand while you were in thought.

“Oh, thanks,” you say in a whisper, snatching it back from the boy giving him one last look before turning your attention back on the professor.

You internally groan to yourself and you can tell this is already going to be a long year.

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One And Only

IMAGINE: Both Mary and John know that (Y/N) has Sherlock wrapped around her finger. Sherlock, being Sherlock refuses to believe this. Can one dance change his mind? 

[gif is not mine. a bit fluffy and ooc of sherlock (sometimes).] 

warnings: none

words: 1059


He stood there bashfully, no not bashful but just not wanting to interact with people. He was watching her, like what he did with others. He deduced her and found her fascinating, he usually wasn’t attracted to anyone, he was a lone wolf with the exception of his brother and John. Why was he suddenly feeling this way?

He saw her dance with her colleague, maybe? Or her friend? Either way he was jealous and he did not like feeling this way. Although lately he’s been feeling jealous if there was a guy anywhere near her, or who looked at her like a piece of meat. He felt possessive over her.

She was beautiful today, like any other day. She was wearing casual clothes, her hair up in a bun and a smile that graced her face. How did he get to meet her?

“Hello you.” She greeted him as she walked up to him. “What are you doing here all alone?” She gave him a hug which he hesitantly returned.

“Hello. You know me, this is a good place to observe.” He waved his hand around and gave her a small smile.

“Well, stop observing and dance with me. This is a club, you know? You dance, you socialise and you don’t deduce,” she laughed, not at him but with him. “So, come on stop it and have fun!” Her voice went a bit husky at the end and he felt unnecessary  blood flowing between his legs.

“Can I just sit here instead? I haven’t been to one of these, I don’t know what to do.”

“Alright fine,” she pouted, “but let me buy you a drink and we can socialise together.” She winked at him as she walked over to the bar.

He walked over to a free booth and sat down. ‘This place is odd.’ “She’s got you wrapped around your finger huh?” He heard John as he sat down next to him. “She’s good for you Sherlock. You both deserve each other.” Mary who sat next to him nodded enthusiastically. “See? Mary agrees with me.”

“What are you talking about?” Sherlock feigning innocence. “We are nothing but friends.”

“But friends turn into lovers Sherlock,” Mary put her input in, “and I can see the way she looks at you she feels the same way. That girl is enamoured with you.”

Sherlock couldn’t help but feel something stir inside him. ‘Well this is a weird feeling.’ “Wow, Sherlock Holmes speechless, that’s one for the books.” John teased him as he sipped his beer.

“What’s this? Sherlock being speechless?” He saw her as she tried not to tip over the beers she was holding. “Who managed to make him speechless? I want to personally meet them.” She winked at him as she slid over next to him.

‘She smells like fruit. Apple and grapefruit, not one of those really fruity smells, just the right ratio. And it smells heavenly.’  “No one’s managed to make me speechless.”

“Well, that’s sad.” She laughed along with John and Mary.

“How was your trip to the bar?” Sherlock asked, he wasn’t good at this. Never was. That’s why he stayed out of dating.

She gave him a confused look, “It was fun, I guess? I got a discount off the beers.”

He saw John silently chuckling to himself and gave him a glare. “Well, this is a great club. How did you find this?”

She shrugged, “It isn’t really a bar, more like a get together social thing.” She furrowed her brows and laughed. “I know, what a great description but that’s the best I can do. That’s why I’m friends with you, you’re great at describing things.” She winked at him and scooted closer to him.

“That’s why you’re friends with me?”

“Of course.” She linked her arms around Sherlock’s neck and nuzzled his neck. “I’m kidding. You’re a great man, there’s a lot more reasons as to why I’m friends with you but I can’t be bothered.”

Sherlock felt heat rush up to his neck and face. John raised one of his eyebrows at him. “Excuse me?” Sherlock and John’s stare were interrupted by a man. “Sorry to bother, but I was just wondering if you would like to dance?” He turned to her and offered his hand.

He saw her blush and felt jealousy creeping in again. “Sorry,” she briefly looked at Sherlock, “I’m feeling a bit tired and I just don’t feel like dancing.” She gave him one of her trademark smiles.

“Oh, okay then.” He gave her a brief grin and walked away.

Sherlock felt relieved and relaxed in his spot. The four of them talked on for about 25 minutes until she heard her favourite song. “Ladies and Gentleman now is the time to take your loved ones out to dance floor.”  The song ‘One and Only’ by Adele began.

“I love this song!” She exclaimed as she jumped out of the booth. “Dance with me please?” She held out her hand to Sherlock who had an impassive look on his face. “I always dance to this song.”

John and Mary watched the scene unfold before them. They really did think that she was perfect for Sherlock. They complimented each other, very well infact.

Sherlock felt the odd sensation in his stomach again. It felt nice. He didn’t reply to her but just took her hand and led them to the dance floor. “I thought you were tired?” He held her waist as one of her hands clutched his arm and took his other hand.

“Can I tell you a secret?” She whispered into his ear. He nodded. “I just didn’t want to dance with him, I wanted to dance with someone else.” She rested her head on his chest.

‘This feels nice. More than nice. Indescribable.’ “Who?”

“Guess. You’re good at this.” She felt his chest rumble with a silent laugh. “Figured it then did you?”

‘Yes.’ He responded with a hum. ‘I could get used to this.’ He gripped her waist a bit tighter and she hugged him tighter.

John and Mary who were still sitting in the booth both smiled at each other and raised their glasses. “Who do you think will ask first?” Mary asked her husband.

“Her.” Mary laughed and nodded. “But the first to say I love you? Him.”

Breathe

Summary: A family gathering at the Winchester household turns into an embarrassing mess for Dean and the reader.

Pairing: Dean x Reader

Word Count: 1,361

Cassie’s Classics Challenge - “I can’t think about that right now. If I do, I’ll go crazy. I’ll think about that tomorrow.” Gone with the Wind @death2thevirgin


“Ha! Suck it, Winchester!” You boast obnoxiously, dancing around Sam in a circle. You just won the third air hockey game in a row and the feeling of victory never gets old.

“Just wait, Y/N. You’re awesome at air hockey but everyone knows you’re shitty at pool. And I can’t wait to kick your little ass!” Crouching down to your level, Sam condescendingly pats the top of your head with a shit eating grin.

“I can’t wait to see that, Sammy. Honestly. We all know you need a little confidence…since that hot girl Erica shot you down. Must hurt the ego.” You giggle at his bitch face before bolting out of the game room. You may be ridiculous but you’re not crazy, Sam’s go to move when annoyed is chucking his drink at you.

Growing up across the street from the Winchester family has equipped you to easily deal with the two brothers in any scenario. It definitely comes in handy knowing which buttons to push.

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anonymous asked:

this is unrelated to anything at all but there is a genre of sheith from an outsider's perspective that i adore

it sounds like what you’re saying is “i want 2k of matt’s pov of shiro and keith’s first meeting, and i want it to be sheer agony.”

anyway this was supposed to be for @otasucc but now it’s for everyone! here’s the first installment of the worst thing i’ve ever written.


Dear Katie,

I witnessed a tragedy today.


-


They’re the only two in the Garrison gym when the kid walks in.

Matt is reading on one of the suspiciously sticky benches by the door, supposedly spotting for Shiro who’s busy dead lifting some ridiculous amount of weight for god knows what reason. It’s not like sitting in a cockpit requires you to be shredded, but if he’s dumb enough to actively seek out pain, Matt’s not going to let him go it alone. At least if he accidentally traps himself under a weight, Matt will be there to laugh.

They’re an hour into it when the doors slide open. It’s after curfew and Shiro has special permission to use the gym, so visitors aren’t exactly common. The kid looks normal at first, if unfamiliar. He’s out of uniform and dressed down in clothes that are almost aggressively plain, but he's—pretty, even at a passing glance.

The kid gets two steps into the room before he realizes it’s not empty.

Matt is watching, so Matt can pinpoint the exact moment the kid’s life falls apart—the exact moment all of their lives fall apart.

-

And Katie, I’m not joking, he took one look at Shiro and his heart stopped. Right there in front of me. I thought I was going to have to do CPR.

-

The kid’s eyes settle on Shiro, where he’s busy being sweaty and gross, and go shock-wide.

It’s like his primary motor function ceases for a second. He stumbles, almost, almost catches his feet, but his momentum carries him forward, right over the glorified Bowflex that no one’s seen anyone but Iverson use, and down he goes.

It’s… tragic.

He doesn’t fall so much as crash face first right into the floor and the small heap of single-hand dumbbells piled there. He gives a little, pained cry, the sound drawing Shiro’s attention. The kid has solid reflexes; he’s up almost as soon as he’s down, but the damage is done.

And he doesn’t notice his foot is hooked under one of the dumbbells.

He tries to take a step and stumbles again—Shiro and Matt both put out a hand like they can stop his second fall by sheer force of will, but by some fluke, by some stroke of luck, by the grace of some angel, he doesn’t fall.

It’s a pure accident. Matt can tell by the surprise on his face. The kid’s hands land just right, and his momentum is just enough that he turns it into the most haphazard somersault Matt’s ever seen in his entire life. It’s not smooth by any definition, but it’s maybe a little impressive.

He stands and dusts himself off, looks in the general direction of the wall over Shiro’s shoulder, face already as red as is possible for a human, and says, “I’m fine. It was—parkour.”

He’s dead serious.

Matt feels his mouth fall open. For a second he thinks he’s misheard, because it’s the most flagrant lie he’s ever heard in his life, and the most bizarre. He glances at Shiro, hoping they can share a raised eyebrow and a get a load of this kid look, but Shiro isn’t looking at him.

Shiro is staring at the kid, open-mouthed, and there’s not a trace of humor in it.

“Parkour?” Shiro asks, managing to sound fascinated.

“Yeah.” The kid brushes the bangs out of his eyes, suave-like. “Parkour.”


-


Katie. This kid has never done parkour in his life. He wouldn’t know parkour if it did a back flip off a building and suplexed him in an alley.

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