i can suffer on my own

Update on my current situation

I updated my blog before as I’ve found that I’m a MDD and still in treatment. It’s much better than before now. but I’m not happy with my university life anymore. I realized I shouldn’t study in Arts major. I can’t draw the way what I like and I think and it give me more suffered, have to struggled it which I didn’t want it happened. it’s not fun for me anymore so I gonna resign from my current university and rest for curing my disease at home probably do a home study. Which mean I can draw anything that I like and run my blog more frequently and do a freelance work like before. I just wish you guys gonna okay with my own decision. All I need from you It’s just to support me and cheer me up, thanks for always visited my blog :D

And thanks for following my twitter, I’m not active much but I’m still glad, I want to talk with you guys more. come on, I won’t bite :P


So I decided to start making these big giant knit blankets and open my own online store, which I thought I would wait til 2016 to open, fresh starts and all that.

Those of you who have been following my blog for a while may know I’ve been on the road to recovery with my mental health after suffering PTSD, depression, panic attacks and all that jazz for years after some unfortunate events I wont get into here (positive vibes lads!), its been a long road, and possibly a road I’ll be on for the rest of my life, but at least now I can make out a path to travel on, as opposed to fumbling through the thicket.

And so I named my store 10 Journeys, for the ones I’ve completed, the ones I’m still on and the ones I hope to begin in the future. 

Whatever journey you’re on, however big or small, all my love and best wishes to you in 2016.

10 Journeys on Etsy

I never believed that love wasn’t enough until we ended.
I moved mountains, I parted seas for you, and we still crumbled.
Weren’t we supposed to be stronger together?
No matter how long I held you, I could never strangle your demons.
No matter how hard you kissed me, you could never suffocate my fears.
Maybe we were both trying to be each other’s saviors so desperately that we became our own enemies.
I despised myself because I couldn’t fix you.
One heart can’t hold both hate and love.
Maybe our disgust for ourselves overpowered our desire for each other.
Now we just suffer separately.
We could never make it work.
I’d still try a thousand more times, I would move a thousand more mountains and part a thousand more seas if it meant I could get broken by you again.
Pain from the right person is more comfortable than love from the wrong one.
Loving Someone with Dysphoria

Whether it be a partner, child, friend, or parent watching any loved one suffer is difficult. Watching someone you love struggle with dysphoria can be extremely heart-wrenching and you may find yourself wondering what you can do or say to make it better. Here are some tips I’ve compiled based on my own experiences. 

Know you cannot fix it or make it go away 
As great at it would be there is nothing a person can say to make dysphoria simply go away. You might be able to help temporarily relieve it but it will not go away. 

Listen to your loved one. Listen to them rant. To them cry. To them be angry. Listen. Be a safe place to listen to them. You don’t need to offer advice or solutions or reply with profound words of wisdom. You can simply be there to listen. 

Do What They Ask 
If they have asked you to use certain pronouns or a chosen name or avoid certain words to describe them, etc. then do it. It might be hard for you to adjust but you need to do it. Remember it’s not about you but it is about them. Do what they need you to do. 

Treat them as People 
Just because they are suffering from dysphoria does not mean they are not people with a variety of emotions, experiences, and personality traits. Make sure you treat as the person they are. Pay attention to all parts of their life and don’t treat them as fragile all the time. They are not their dysphoria. That is simply part of their experience.

I have always been that black hole friend
the one that would just pull everything from you
to ease the burden from your shoulders 

So, let me take the weight from you
Give me your lonely.
Give me your heartbreak.
Give me the anxious tremor
that shakes your hands in a crowd.
Give me the tears you shed
alone at night in your bed.
Give me the kisses that felt
like they were sucking the life from you.
Give me the old endearments
that stung like hits across your face.
Give me every ounce of your hurt
because I am the void
waiting to be filled.
No one realizes
that the reason I am so good at taking
all of that suffering in
is because my own pain
pulled everything out of me,
leaving me empty.

People forget that black holes
were once bright stars
that collapsed in on themselves.

—  I can’t remember a time when I was ever a star || O.L.
Help needed

This is a cry for help. I have been living under my parents’s roof for two years, due to suffering from debilitating OCD and not being able to go to school. I barely can hold a job. I live in an emotionally abusive environment, which has contributed to the worsening of my OCD. I feel gaslighted on a daily basis. I need to raise money to buy my own computer and possibly move out. I can provide writing services in exchange for pay. Every little dollar counts.  I can no longer stand the situation and find myself emotionally and mentally drained, and unable to do much. I forgot the most important: my paypal information is ccd4t@virginia.edu.

Tbh I always thought that the whole “I have eaten the fruit of the land of the death” excuse that Persephone gave her mother was kinda convenient so consider this:

Hades “kidnaps” Persephone, but what he’s really doing is helping his real live actual girlfriend escape the clutches of emotionally abusive/toxic mom Demeter (see “I can’t talk to my daughter for six months so I’m gonna mope and make the rest of the world suffer with me”)

Super clingy mom Demeter shows up and demands her daughter come back with her, using her own emotional stability and the fucking FATE OF THE WORLD as a guilt trip

“I would totally love to mom, but wouldn’t you know it, I ate this one pomegranate seed and as a result I’m stuck here forever so you should probs just leave and forget about me because it looks like I’m dead forev–”

Zeus shows up.

“Nah man, as king of the gods I can totes negate the effect of those pomegranate seeds, and let you go back to the real world with your mom.”

Cue frantic head shaking and silent pleads from Persephone & Hades from behind Demeter’s back for Zeus to shut the fuck up man, that is not the plan. Zeus catches on instantly.

“But only for half the year, because, uh the laws of–you know, biology or some shit?”

The goddess of flowers and the queen of hell quietly contemplates what she will plant on Zeus’s grave after she murders him.

stop ! telling ! chronically ! ill ! people! “at least it’s not cancer”

you are not reassuring me, and I know many others feel the same way

you are making me feel invalidated, that my complaints are unjustified, that I can’t complain about my own illness bc ‘other people have it worse’ 

suffering doesn’t need to be compared

illnesses are different. they don’t need to and can’t be compared

and stop implying that we should be happy and content that it’s not something worse. it feels a lot like you’re trying to silence us

I have actually always been quite open about having depression. By depression, I don’t mean being sad. I mean a health condition that comes from time to time and has different symptoms and is very debilitating. I’ve mentioned it publicly in the past, but I have always wanted to write about it. I was meeting many people who I could tell were also depressive, and I was noticing how hush-hush it all was, how there was often a veil of silence over it, and I think the terrible consequence of silence is shame.
Depression is difficult. It is difficult to experience, difficult to write about, difficult to be open about. But I wanted to do it. For myself, in a way, because it forced me to tell myself my own story, which can be helpful. But also for other possible sufferers, especially fellow Africans, because there is something very powerful about knowing that you are not alone, and that what happens to you also happens to other people.
Depression is something I have recognized since I was a child. It is something I have accepted. It is something I will have to find ways to manage for the rest of my life. Many creative people have depression. I wonder if I would be so drawn to storytelling if I were not also a person who suffers from depression.
But I am very interested in de-mystifying it. Young creative people, especially on our continent, have enough to deal with without thinking – as I did for so long – that something is fundamentally wrong with feeling this strange thing from time to time. Our African societies are not very knowledgeable or open or supportive about depression. People who don’t have depression have a lot of difficulty understanding it, but people who have it are also often befuddled by it.

I’ve said this before but you know what makes races & workouts so much easier? smiling and laughing and talking through them. approaching them like a beast and with an attitude of relentlessness but also with the same childlike love you should have for your sport. this is fun. we love this. I love beating people, I love beating my own personal records, I love pulling away in workouts & races, I love being the first one to cross that line but it should be fun. and it should be something to smile about. and it makes everything easier when you can smile through the suffering.

Shocking confession from DIR EN GREY leader “I cannot hold a guitar pick anymore”

article from Tokyo Sports (in Japanese), 2015.10.24

We learnt that Kaoru (age not disclosed), a leader and guitarist of DIR EN GREY which is active worldwide, suffers from the right hand fingers dysfunction and nerve paralysis.

According to the interview with Kaoru for our newspaper, he remembers uncomfortable feeling to his index finger from around 2014, he was dropping guitar picks frequently during concerts. By the time they finished tour that year he couldn’t hold a guitar pick on his own.

”There was no strength in my index finger. I’ve tried various treatments, but slowly the strange feeling spread to my thumb as well. And the remaining 3 fingers also started to become strange. It doesn’t affect my everyday life, but I can’t have it like that.”

He consulted various doctors, he received a diagnosis saying it’s caused by loose ligaments connecting tendons and joints.

”Seems like it’s occupational disease. I was told by doctors that it will get better, but at this stage there is no change of symptoms. Thus, during the performance I have to use a double sided tape to attach a guitar pick to my hand.”

In this condition “of wounded soldier” he stood on the stage. Speaking of this band, their unique music and overwhelming performance is popular in Japan as well as abroad. Kaoru’s confession will be shocking for both domestic and foreign fans.

However, Kaoru himself nonchalantly said “There’s nothing I can do about that. I can only patiently wait until it heals”. This month he just started working on his regular radio audition “The Freedom of Expression” on InterFM897 (every Sunday at 1am). And he shows his energy with the release of his first book “Dokugen” in which he will talk about his life (commemorative event with a talk session and signing will be held on 25th October at 2pm in Tower Records Shibuya).

”From now on we are going to advocate the freedom of expression in more stimulating way” Kaoru said with a wide grin. Better keep checking their activity.

low spoon magic

I don’t see lots of magic that’s easy enough for a “low spoon day” so I’ve looked through my tags decided to make a list of things for myself and anyone else who finds it helpful. I should also mention that I’m entering a phase of my life that is centered around learning to be motivated and productive for my own benefit so I can reach my goals… but that doesn’t mean I don’t participate in the occasional “fluffy” self care :) This just isn’t about that, because I like to kill two birds with one stone and get my shit done.

 Cleansing is very important to me, I like to keep my space as physically and energetically clean as possible. It just makes everything easier. I’m going to list my favorite methods that are both mundane and magical.

~Open your window! If you have been suffering in your depression crevice for a few days your room probably smells. Open a window and let the stink and stagnant energy out.

~Brushing your teeth, combing you hair, clipping your nails… these all feel good and can be intended to remove icky energy.

~Shower/bathe. I know when I used to be so tired that I couldn’t shower I smelled fucking nasty. I hated it, it was embarrassing and a real kick to the ego to know I was so depressed that I couldn’t even shower. This isn’t meant to make anyone feel bad- it’s just my feelings. I feel great now that I shower almost everyday. It’s especially great when I use my lavender body wash to promote calm energy, citrus shampoo, conditioner, and facial cleanser to promote a sense of a clear head and a burst of energy, and coconut scented stuff for a touch of sweetness. I’m also a person who shaves so I take the opportunity to intend that be a literal removal of icky energy growth. 

~If I can I like to vacuum and do laundry with the intention sucking away gross and washing away stink, respectively.

~A spray bottle with water and salt is also somewhat easy, I spray every corner I can reach, inside the closet, and the outer and inner door frame.

~DANCE :) If you have even a little extra energy- just flop around in a dance-like motion to release tense, angry, and depressive energy. This not only can be magically cleansing, but it also releases the happy endorphin.

~Eat!! Eats your food with intent, citrus to boost energy, carbs to ease an acidic-y tummy, chocolate to make you happier, water to boost energy & cleanse… This is also where tea comes in- but I find tea correspondences to be more individual, so do you.

Sigils are officially, as of this week, my favorite kind of magic. I see posts all the time about the intricacies and specific steps of making and charging a sigil. I used to do it in such a way that it became too hard, time-consuming, and annoying! But I’ve found that while phrases are too much, one word sigils work just as well (I’ll be posting a few pages from my sigil book once I can get to a scanner). Also, I try to encapsulate the essence of the word versus the letters when drawing a sigil, the ones I’ve made doing this work much better.

~I have made sigils for pain such as ‘my feet don’t hurt’ which I wrote on the bottoms of my feet and used my foot massager to charge it!

~There is a set of 3 sigils that I use whenever I go somewhere that would cause me to have a panic attack: Calm and Safe for anxiety and Engaged to keep myself from dissociating, or at least let me be able to pull myself out of it before I get completely lost. I usually draw these on my arm so I can kiss them to charge them (cheesy but incredibly effective lol)

~Word buttons aren’t really sigils but they work similarly to one word sigils. Write a word you need (calm, safe, happy, smile, motivate, nice, etc) somewhere discrete on your body (away from any wounds, you don’t want to get infected) then draw a 3D box, circle, or triangle around the word. I recommend a sharpie because it doesn’t smudge on your clothes, but whatever. I saw a post about this a while ago and I love doing this but I couldn’t find the post anywhere in my tags ):

Sometimes sigils aren’t the thing to use for whatever reason so here is a great post on match magic. It’s fun and simple and requires little brain power, if you have the ability to grip and strike a match.

Sometimes my iron levels get dangerously low, so I’m constantly cold. This is a fun spell if you have what you need and can do it in the open. If not, take your ring (or socks, whatever) and either put it on top of a heating venting or point a hair dryer at it until it’s warm enough, intent matters a lot here- intend for the warm feeling to last as long as you need it to.

I know a lot of ‘spoonies’ have therapy pets so here is my favorite pet protection spell. If that’s too much, attach a protective crystal to their collar or put one by where they sleep.

Executive functioning seems to be a common problem among ‘spoonies’ and that means losing shit. I hate being forgetful and losing my stuff so here is my favorite location spell! It’s great and customizing it to fit your needs is easy.

So yeah, that’s it for now… I’ll add stuff as I find it- because no witch who has a mental illness or a chronic condition should feel they can’t practice, especially to their own benefit. Feel free to add things that help you magically & mundanely so I can try it :)


I’ve been so deep in a well of my own pain, I couldn’t see anything else. I forgot that I’m not the only one who’s hurting. Francis is suffering as well.


Jane Eyre by Charlotte Bronttë

Reader, I am smitten. Society claimed Jane Eyre lacked charm, beauty, and grace, but Charlotte Brontë trusted her readers and me to see beneath the surface to Jane’s bedrock integrity, intelligence, imagination, individualism, and generosity. Jane’s pheromones secret whiffs of spontaneity and passion that trigger attraction in men like Rochester, St. John– and me. Says Jane: “I am independent, sir. I am my own mistress.” Her gray Victorian dress hides her sensuality, but Jane is “an aromatic wine, after swallowing, warm and racy.”

Jane learned her independence through loneliness, persecution, hardship, death, and a horrific childhood. She has endured suffering, and–for her scars–we love her. Cruelty of others made her kind; she returns good for evil. She adheres to religion but answers to her own conscience and is respectfully skeptical of religious representatives blathering can’t. She follows that “still, small voice” of confident conscience:

I can live alone if self-respect requires me too. I need not sell my soul to buy bliss. I have an inward treasure born with me, which can keep me alive if all extraneous delights should be withheld.

Rather than a religion of self-righteousness, hers is a religion of integrity and duty which requires tough choices that force her to abandon security and comfort.

Reader, I am Rochester. Volcanic. Moody. “If I have peculiarities of temper, allowances should be made.” I have suffered misfortune, and I just want happiness in middle age. Do my passions overwhelm you? Good. Like Rochester, I will pay the cost, because bloodlessness is a crime against our natures. We will have our freedom.

But Reader, I need Jane, “my elf, my changeling.” Upon meeting her, “my soul began to expand, exult.” I have known superficial women fixated on trivialities like the French actress and like Blanche Ingram. But Jane does not seem to care about messy pasts. She is confident, not jealous. Yet, if we persevere, do you think that life has a way of destroying us or destroying the impediments to our happiness?

I am Jane. I am Rochester. Great literature encompasses us. “Eddying darkness seemed to swim around me. I heard a flood loosed in a great mountain and felt the torrent come to rise.”

by Guest Reviewer

Get the book here!

Read excerpts from the book here!

Buddhism Summed Up: How to Be at Peace, Always

Buddhism has many teachings and “rules,” like the Four Noble Truths or the Noble Eightfold Path, but its primary message is actually quite simple: we can’t avoid the hardships of life, but we can avoid misery.

What life throws at us is not our choice, but how we react to it is - and that’s how we can be free of misery, of suffering.

Buddha searched for the causes of human suffering and also the cure for it. He realized what made an average human suffer, and how to emerge from that suffering.

The Cause of Suffering

Desire and ignorance. We always want something we don’t have, and we are too stupid to see that it would not make us happy anyway. Basically, that’s how I’d sum it up, not trying to be fancy with my words.

We put the source of our own happiness, our peace outside of ourselves, and we fail to realize that it’s actually inside. Therefor we keep chasing the things that we think would make us happy, all the while wasting the treasure that is the present moment. It’s like knocking on a door, wanting to be let it, not realizing that we’re already inside.

The Cure for Suffering

To live without suffering, we have to be content with the present moment and be wise enough to see its wonders. Be wise enough to see what’s real in the present moment and what is just a thought. Read more>>

 (via Buddhism Summed Up: How to Be at Peace, Always | The Miracle Forest: The Zen Smile of Mindfulness)


So, I was on the YOI tag, and someone asked a question: Why did Yuuri touch Viktors head/hair?

I kinda want to talk about that, cause the fandom isn’t paying as much attention to this as I did.

Okay, so Yuuri most likely suffers from AvPD or Avoidant Personality Disorder. According to Wikipedia, AvPD is a personality disorder in which those affected display a pattern of social inhibition, feelings of inadequacy and inferiority, extreme sensitivity to negative evaluation, and avoidance of social interaction despite a strong desire to be close to others. Individuals with the disorder tend to describe themselves as uneasy, anxious, lonely, unwanted and isolated from others. The behavior typically begins by early adulthood, and occurs across a variety of situations. (Sorry, I can’t explain this disorder with my own words very well.)

From the story Yuuri tells at the beach and what we have already known about him, he fits the bill for this disorder very well.

Another thing with AvPD, people who have this disorder also have a hard time with physical contact in a lot of cases.

So far, we only see Yuuri initiate physical contact with Viktor twice, while he has not done so with any other character besides the dogs as far as I am aware (if I am mistaken, please correct me), even in episode one, Yuuri doesn’t want to shake hands with all those people, but Minako literally drags his hand to force him to do it. The first time was the hug in episode three when he was scared of losing Victor and the second time was here.

The first time was an extreme circumstance. Yuuri found someone who got close enough to him to earn his trust, and exposed Yuuri to physical contact and other situations that he was uncomfortable with. Once a person with AvPD trusts you, the get consumed with fear at the prospect of you rejecting or leaving them. These emotions welled up inside Yuuri and bubbled through in the form of that hug.

Now, for the hair touching scene, which was way more important than it seemed, if we take it as a fact that Yuuri has AvPD.

As I have said, people with AvPD have a hard time with any sort of physical contact, and, as we see in episode three (and the Osen scene in episode four), Yuuri is comfortable with Viktor touching him, and, under extreme circumstances, is okay touching Viktor. However, the hair scene doesn’t seem to fit into either of those categories. This is something subconscious.

As soon as he realized what he did, he gets incredibly embarrassed and confused at himself, because he probably hasn’t done anything similar before.

But most of all, I believe he is scared of Viktor rejecting him, which is why he apologized and was panicking before Viktor even brought up his insecurities about his hair. When Viktor does this, the reaction from Yuuri changes just a little bit. 

He gets overcome with a different kind of panic. Not stemming from the fear of being rejected, but from the fear that he offended the person he currently trusts and adores the most.

TL;DR Yuuri might have AvPD, and Viktor did not reject Yuuri touching him. I think that is the biggest thing we needed to take from this scene.

Life After Pixar: An Interview with Brenda Chapman

“We caught up with Chapman at Trojan Horse was a Unicorn in Portugal, an art/animation/visual effects event where the director and her husband, Kevin Lima (Tarzan, Enchanted), were both key presenters. Although getting projects off the ground remains a tough task, Chapman has relished the chance to try new things. And her and Lima even have plans to start their own animated feature production company.”

CB: Can you describe what it was like for you after Brave came out in 2012, and then winning an Oscar in 2013?

Chapman: After the film was released, that was the first opportunity I was able to work. I couldn’t work for another studio until the film was released. I’d been biding my time, writing my own stuff, taking some classes. Just waiting. And suffering!

CB: What happened after that?

Chapman: While I was working on Strange Magic, the Oscars took place. Everything seemed to start happening again. Jeffrey Katzenberg had called me the day he found out I was let go from Brave. He said, ‘Come back to DreamWorks,’ but I told him I had to wait. So he was always there, but DreamWorks went through a lot of changes until I got back there about two years later.

CB: Obviously you’d been at DreamWorks before. What did you do there this time around?

Chapman: Well, I had learned on Brave never to give any of my ideas to a studio again. That was a lesson very much learned. I tried to make a deal with DreamWorks where I would have some ownership for a film or some connection to it, at least to the point where they couldn’t take me off my own movie. But film studios are just too greedy in that way so I didn’t give them any of my ideas. However, I said, ‘If you have anything in your coffers, I’d be happy to work with you.’

Which is what I did – I helped develop a project called Rumblewick which was based on a children’s book. It was so much fun and it was hard to leave it behind when I did, but it wasn’t as heartbreaking as Brave. I don’t think anything will be, because I don’t think I’ll ever let anything I’m so attached to have that vulnerability again.

CB: It sounds like many new things have become possible…

Chapman: Yes, when a door slams shut and the wall falls down, screw the window and look at the view. There’s so much out there – too much to get caught up in the past and all the things that made you sad. OK, you went through your grieving period. That’s over, behind you. What’s out there now?

CB: When you had to leave Brave, it felt like there was so much immediate support out there for you. And when you won the Oscar with Mark Andrews there felt like even more support. What was that like for you at the time?

Chapman: That held me up. I wasn’t expecting it. I thought I was going to go the way of all the other directors that get pushed aside on any film. But to have that support from my peers in the industry as well as broader in live action and the animation community. And my crew, too. I got hundreds of emails from my crew on Brave that told me, ‘OK, I’m not what they’re trying to make believe what I am. I’m not crazy. I know I had a good movie. And it’s still there in the film.’ Without that kind of support, I don’t know if I would have been able to say, ‘OK, well what’s next?’ I think I would have been much more wounded and taken longer to heal. So I’ll forever feel grateful for that.

CB: Is there anything else you can say about your planned project with Kevin?

Chapman: Well, it is a live action/animation hybrid. We are getting ready to start pitching it around, so I’d like to keep it mostly under wraps right now. But if we can start getting it made, there’s going to be a lot of 2D animation but also CG and stop motion—it’s a big concept and we’re hoping we can pull some of the 2D animators out of the woodwork and get them back at the drawing board, as well as using all the new computer techniques.

As I focus on diligent joy, I also keep remembering a simple idea my friend Darcey told me once — that all the sorrow and trouble of this world is caused by unhappy people. Not only in the big global Hitler-‘n’-Stalin picture, but also on the smallest personal level. Even in my own life, I can see exactly where my episodes of unhappiness have brought suffering or distress or (at the very least) inconvenience to those around me. The search for contentment is, therefore, not merely a self-preserving and self-benefiting act, but also a generous gift to the world. Clearing out all your misery gets you out of the way. You cease being an obstacle, not only to yourself but to anyone else. Only then are you free to serve and enjoy other people.
—  Elizabeth Gilbert, Eat, Pray, Love