Hello everyone! My blog is almost 2 years old and I met more friends along the way which made my tumblr life more colorful (^_^). To all my wonderful followers especially new mutuals, thank you all so much for sticking with me and my blog until now! You guys are amazing! I don’t deserve you guys and I can’t thank you all enough! I never thought I would reach this far, a new milestone… 2k is a lot for me and therefore, I will keep running this blog and my other sideblogs for as long as I can! Thank you also for those who looks up, appreciate and compliment my edits, your words means a lot to me you have no idea! It boosts my confidence and motivates me to do more and improve along the way! ≧◡≦
I think there’s this stress on having to find yourself now more than ever. There’s a lot of “Am I this? Or Am I that?” Sometimes you can just be, you know? You don’t have to define yourself at all, that’s what I say.
A/N: This is some angsty shit because I feel that way lately. It has a fluffy ending though! Hope you like it? Enjoy!!
You came home to Toms apartment and unlocked the door with the key he had given you five months into your relationship. You closed the door behind you and kicked your shoes off before taking your jacket off and wandering to the kitchen. You opened a cupboard and took a glas out to pour yourself some water. After you emptied the glass you leaned against the counter and looked out the window. It was a rainy thursday afternoon, the clouds were blocking the sun and it was very grey and depressing outside. You let out a sigh and put your glas into the sink.
“Hey.” The voice of Tom made you jump and you pressed your palm against your chest and closed your eyes.
“Shit. You scared me.” you said and opened up your eyes to look at him.
“Sorry.” he apologized and walked over to you. He put his hands on your hips and was about to lean down but you pushed him gently away.
“I’m - going to take a shower.” you said and he furrowed his brows not understanding why you were so cold to him.
“Are you okay?” he asked, concern showing in his features.
“Yeah. I’m fine.” you said and walked past him.
“Are you sure?” he asked again and you rolled your eyes.
“I’m fine.” you said, now annoyance echoing in your voice and he decided to let it go.
After you took a shower, you did not go back into the living room. You went into the bedroom and laid down while scrolling through your phone.
Tom was really confused why you were not talking to him but he also did not want to push you even though he was concerned. After two hours he finally pealed himself off the couch and walked over to his bedroom to check on you. There you were, lying on your side, legs pulled up to your chest, one hand under your head and the other one holding your phone. You didn’t even look up when Tom came in and kept your eyes fixed on the phone.
“Hey, uh…Do you want to eat something? We could order in?” he offered but you shook your head. He furrowed his brows and leaned against the door frame, crossing his arms infront of his chest.
“Alright. What’s going on? What happened?” he finally asked and was growing impatient with every second now.
“Can you atleast look at me while we’re talking?” he said a little angry and you looked over your phone into his eyes.
“What?” you asked and he let his arms fall to his sides.
“I want you to tell me what is going on.” he said and you sighed while sitting up.
“And I told you: Nothing. Why can’t you let it go?”
“I can’t because you are spreading negativity. If you would talk to me we could solve it and go back to normal. I’m tired of having to pull everything out of you,” he said and ran his fingers desperatly through his hair.
“Then don’t!” you finally yelled and got up from the bed.
“I’m trying to keep to myself so I don’t spread my mood but you keep digging and digging. I’m feeling down, okay? I feel worn out. Maybe I’m depressed I don’t know. I feel anxious and stressed out because I have this feeling that I can’t handle the stuff that is going on in my life right now. Can you help me with any of this?” you asked, your voice shaking and your hands thrown into the air.
“No, you can’t,” you added when he didn’t speak up and let your hands fall to your sides.
“And that’s why I keep it to myself. Most of the time I can handle it but sometimes I can’t. And that’s when I need my space so I can work on it without affecting anyone around me.”
Tom was speachless. He couldn’t bare the thought of you struggling without telling anyone. He ran his fingers through his hair once more and took a deep breath. As soon as he stepped forward you rose your hand and gestured him to stay still.
“I need to be alone right now. If you’re heart doesn’t allow you to give me space I can leave and come back when I’m done gathering myself.” you said and his eyes widened and he suddenly felt his heart skip a beat.
“Take as much time as you need. Just don’t go.” he said quickly and stepped back. He closed the door behind him and you were alone again but this time you felt empty. This little bickering between Tom and you stirred up your emotions more than they already were. You put your face into your palms and leaned your elbows on your thighs. Tears started to build in your eyes and soon you were sobbing. You knew that Tom didn’t deserve to be yelled at. He was concerned about you and was only trying to help because he cared. But when things got too much you liked to take a step back and at times like this any tiny thing could set you off.
You laid back down on your side and pulled your knees to your chest, trying to make yourself as small as possible. You must’ve cried yourself to sleep because when you opened your eyes the room was dark, only the street lights glistening through the curtains, and your eyes felt puffy and drained. You looked over your shoulder and saw Tom sleeping right next to you. He was sleeping on his side and the moonlight was lighting half of his face making him look soft and at peace. He was wearing an old blue t-shirt which had moved up his body a bit. Your throat was dry from all the crying so you stood up without making any noise and tiptoed out of the room into the kitchen. You did not open any lights because your eyes were very sensitive to light and you could see pretty much everything. You opened the cupboard and took a glas out before taking cold water out of the fridge. You were drinking your second glas while looking out of the window when you heared footsteps behind you.
You looked over your shoulder to see Tom standing in the doorframe, leaning against it.
“Hey.” he said giving you a dejavu and you smiled a little. His hair was all tousled standing up into every direction. He brushed his hand through his hair trying to controll the situation on his head a little but it didn’t work as he wanted it to and made you chuckle.
“Come here.” you said and you two met each other in the middle of the kitchen.
You brushed his hair back with your hands making them look less chaotic. He watched you the whole time and admired your beauty silently. Your eyes were focused on his hair and you were biting your lip and he smiled at your concentration. He enjoyed your gentle touch and his heart skipped a beat. It was such an innocent but caring gesture of you that it made his heart swell.
“That doesn’t look too bad.” you said finally and leaned your hands on your hips and looked into his eyes.
“If you say so.” he chuckled and wasn’t sure if he should touch you or not.
“Not that it didn’t look good before. I like your hair in any shape.” you said and looked down to your feet, suddenly feeling insecure. You wanted to apologize, you wanted to say something but you felt a knot in your throat.
You looked up into his eyes and he was waiting patiently for you to make the first step. He didn’t want to push you, he wanted to give you space so you could make up your mind on your own.
“There is so much weight on my shoulders right now which is painfully stressfull. I know it will pass but I can’t help it. Most of the time I can handle the pressure. But there are days where I feel like drowning. Like there is no light at the end of the tunnel. But I also know that this will pass too. That’s the reason why I don’t tell you or anyone about it. It’s temporary. It’s not worth talking about it. I can handle it you know. I’ve been handling it forever.” you rambled and fiddled with your fingers,“I didn’t mean to yell at you though. I’m sorry.” you apologized and looked up into his eyes again.
“Can I say something?” he said with a little smile on his lips and you nodded.
“I know that you can handle what’s going on in your head and in your life. I have no doubt. But I want to be there for you. You don’t need to tell me everything if you don’t want to. But a relationship is based on trust and understanding. Don’t shut me out. Tell me what’s going on and I’ll respect your way of dealing with it. Just talk to me.” he said and you looked down trying to surpress the tears.
“No, no. Don’t be sorry. No one apologizes for having a wound or a broken bone, you shouldn’t too. It’s okay.” he said and stepped closer.
“I love you.” you finally blurted out and looked into his eyes and he smiled back. I don’t deserve you, you wanted to add but didn’t.
“I love you too.” he answered and put his hands hesitantly on your hips.
He leaned in to give you a kiss on your forhead and hugged you afterwards.
“You’re not perfect. Neither am I. And that’s perfectly fine.” he said and you smiled against his chest and breathed his comforting scent in.
“Aren’t you supposed to say something like: But you are perfect to me?” you teased him and you knew that he rolled his eyes even if you couldn’t see it.
“You’re such a mood killer.” he sighed and you chukled against his chest while tightening your hug. No matter how far you’d fall he would always be there to pick you up. Even if it meant standing in the kitchen at 3am in the morning.
Title: Finding the Way Character: Shaun Murphy A/n: Going back in the timeline in this one to fix my errors for communication with Shaun.
“Good morning, Dr. (L/n).” Shaun said as he brushed passed you and Dr. Claire to head to his locker.
“Morning, Shaun.” You said absentmindedly, trying to get the ink of your pen to run, shaking it to and fro.
Claire glanced up from her charts to look at you curiously, her eyes shifting to the back of Shaun for a second before she sighed. “I don’t get how you do it.”
“What? Keep my will to live? Cause let me tell you that I might be losing it.” You said as you half-heartedly tossed your pen to the side, deciding it was done for.
Claire couldn’t help but chuckle. “No, I mean,” She broke off, hands gesturing where Shaun previously stood. “He talks to you. You don’t even have to try, you just know how to talk to him.”
You held back the laugh. “Are you kidding? I have no idea what the hell I’m doing when it comes to Dr. Murphy,” You said with a bitter laugh. “We greet each other and sometimes I can manage to get him to talk about something small and then that’s it. I’m still figuring out how to reach him.”
“If it’s any consolation; you’re doing a hell of a better job than I am. I can barely get him to acknowledge my presence let alone something as simple as a hello.”
“Oh come on, I think it’s just because you weren’t very nice to him when you two met.” You teased, smiling whenever she gave you a pointed look.
“You of all people should know I was not being mean to him.”
“Of course I do, but like Dr. Glassman said, he can’t pick up on the same social cues we can.”
Claire nodded, both of you entering a familiar and shared mind space together. “Yeah, and there’s the whole question thing too.”
“Don’t remind me, I suck when it comes to avoiding asking him questions. I tried turning some into phrases and then writing them down, but they didn’t make any sense.”
Claire’s eyes went to yours. “You wrote down things to say to him?”
You squinted your eyes at her; knowing what she was implying. “Stop that, it just helps me think.”
Claire grinned, the crinkles around her eyes becoming more prominent. “I didn’t say anything.”
You elbowed her affectionately, closing up your charts before digging around your pockets. “You wouldn’t happen to have an extra pen would you?”
In hindsight, walking through a busy hospital while trying to shove your scrubs into a laundry bag to take home was probably not the brightest moment of your career.
You didn’t make it that far before your shoulder mashed right into a blob of white and blue, and the person in front of you would’ve toppled right over had you not instantly dropped your scrubs to steady them, your hands tightly wrapping around their arms.
“Oh jesus! I’m so sorry!” You cried in an apologetic tone, looking up right into the wide gaze of Dr. Murphy.
“Shaun!” You removed your hold on him as soon as you noticed who he was.
“Hello,” He said calmly, as if you hadn’t just knocked right into him, his hands adjusting to their normal place. “Thank you for catching me.”
“I’m really sorry about that, are you okay?” You asked with a slight tilt of your head.
Shaun looked blankly passed you, swaying ever so slightly back and forth.
Your face expressed confusion until you realized your error. “Right, no questions,” You said with a slight tap to your head, thinking for a moment until you spoke again. “You could have really gotten hurt if you had fallen.” You tried weakly.
Shaun nodded. “Yes, but I’m okay thanks to you.” His eyes glanced down to your scrubs on the ground, he knelt down at picked them before holding them out. “You dropped these.”
“Oh sorry,” You said, quickly taking them from him with a flustered smile “Thank you.”
“You say sorry a lot.”
The already glowing flush on your face deepend as you let out a forced laugh. “Yeah, it appears I do.”
Shaun scanned your face for a moment before his gaze adverted to your scrubs. “Are you heading home now?”
“Yes, my shifted ended a couple minutes ago.”
“Okay, you might want to drive more carefully tonight. There was an accident not too far from the hospital.”
Your ears perked up and you resorted to nodding at him. “Thanks for telling me, make sure you get home alright, too.”
“I will, have a good night.” He said shortly with one final nod to you before he walked away.
Honestly I’ve been so #blessed by the MM community, ya’ll are really cool and I love reading every single caption or tag you write about my art. It inspires me to keep creating! So THANK YOU EVERYONE
Harry Styles. Thats who you were paired with on the biggest project for your class. Cocky, smug, king of laziness, frat boy Harry Styles. You weren’t sure how he even passed classes because it seems he always did the minimal amount of work, if that. It was probably that charm of his. As much as you loathed him, you had to admit that boy had some good looks and charm helping him float through college.
“Like somethin you see love?” Harry’s remark brought you back to reality. You didn’t realize but while you were in thought about how annoying but good looking Harry was, you had been staring at him. Him catching you caused you a blush to form upon your cheeks. You hoped he didn’t see that because god knows he’d enjoy that and never let you live it down.
You rolled your eyes at him and scoffed “As if Styles. I wasn’t even staring at you, I was zoned out thinking about our project we should be working on” You watched as he chuckled Ann’s proceeded to smirk that god damn Harry Styles smirk at you.
“I was thinking since you’re so smart and nerdy that you could do most of it and I will present it. Ya know since people actually enjoy it when I talk.” He flashed you a smile, set back and propped his feet up on your chair and just shrugged.
It took all you had not to scream at him. You could feel your cheeks heating up and not with a blush this time, no, with rage. It always happened when you got really mad. You pushed his feet off your chair and took a deep breath.
“If you think you’re gonna charm your way out of doing your part for this project like you always do you are dead wrong Styles. I will not do this on my own” You slammed your pen down on your notebook, crossed your arms and glared at him.
“Wait wha was that, ya think I’m charming?” Harry wore another smug look. You didn’t think that boy knew any other look. He was always thinking everyone found him so hot, and so charming. Really all you found him was irritating as hell. Well maybe a little easy on the eyes as well. But you’d never let him know that.
“Seriously?! That’s what you chose to focus on? Out of everything I said?! God you push my buttons” you sighed and sat up straight and looked him in the eye. “Look Harry, this project is a huge part of our grade. I cannot do all the work, and if you don’t do your part half isn’t done and that’s an F. School and grades may not matter much to you, but it does to me” Your voice got weaker and more quiet as you finished speaking. “We all can’t not give a shit and fly by with our good looks and charm.” You mumbled to yourself.
“Hey, I’m sorry okay? I didn’t realize how much this mattered to ya. I know I can be cocky asshole sometimes,” you rolled your eyes and he flashed you a quick smile, “but I didn’t mean to get ya all upset. To be honest yeah school isn’t my thing, but I don’t want that to affect your grades. I’ll do my part, promise.”
Harry’s voice sounded genuine, and full of compassion. Not his typical smug tone of voice with his signature smirk. Matter of fact, he wasn’t smirking, he genuinely looked like he had meant what he said and actually cared. He stuck his pinky out at you, “pinky promise.”
You couldn’t help but smile a bit at that “Alright Styles, pinky promise. But break your promise, I break your pinky.” You took his pinky with yours and made the promise.
“Oh love, I would never want your gorgeous self to break my pinky, it’d break my heart” Harry caught your eye and winked. You hid your face in your hair so he didn’t dare see the blush and small smile his words had caused. This was going to be an interesting and long project together.
Look. It’s not even a big deal, you’re the one that’s turning this into a whole thing. You’ve never done anything like this before, but that’s okay! There’s a first time for everything, even though the situation right now is a make it or break it kind of deal. But it’s okay! Don’t even worry about it, yo. You’re just going to tell one of your closest friends that you maybe kind of sort of think that you two should be more than friends! You’re confident. As long as you keep telling yourself that you’re confident, that’ll reflect in your words and Harry will instantaneously fall in love with you. Maybe. It’s not a guarantee. It’s worth a shot, though! Better than keeping everything bottled up inside. Plus, maybe this time it’ll be different! Usually, with your other guy friends, you can 100% tell if they only see you as one of the bros. Harry hasn’t sent any bro signals yet so you’re pretty much in the clear! Think about it, Y/N. It’s only a minute of confrontation and then you’re over and done with it. And you think he likes you back, so that helps as well!
“Okay, I can do this.” You breathed out, blinking at yourself in the bathroom mirror before rubbing your clammy palms on your shirt. “It’s just Harry.” Were you really about to do this? This was a move that definitely wasn’t you. This was a move that a drunk off her ass Y/N would pull. No, no. You were psyching yourself out too much. “Yeah, it’s just Harry!” You decided that the best thing to do right now would be to block all the negative thoughts and hope for the best.
“Hey, there you are! I was starting to wonder what you were doing upstairs for so long.” Harry hummed, smiling at you and watching as you plopped yourself down in the sofa chair across from him.
“Ah, I got distracted by a game on my phone. You know how it is.” You waved it off, the little voice in the back of your head rehearsing what you were going to say to Harry. “I wanted to talk to you-”
“I jus’ wanted t’ tell yeh-” The both of you paused upon the realization that the two of you had something to share with each other, your cheeks already growing bright pink at the slightly awkward situation. “How about you go first?” Did you wanna go first? Maybe you could let Harry go first, and while he spoke to you, you could rethink your decision to tell him the truth. Yeah, that sounded good.
“No, no! I insist that you go first. If I go first I’ll end up blabbing for twenty minutes.” You snorted, getting comfortable on the chair and hugging a pillow to your chest.
“Okay, cool. I promise I’ll be quick.” Harry grinned, sitting up a little straighter before leaning forward. “I want you t’ meet a new friend of mine.” Oh, that was it? Phew.
“Alright, I’m down with that. Who is it?” I really like you and I’ve liked you for a long time, so I just thought that you needed to know that.
“Oh, she’s great. You’ll love her. I mean, I kinda love her already and I’ve only met her like, twice! She has her own cookbook and everything, and she’s a great baker… Just like me! The other night at my concert we were talking backstage and she has the same taste in clothes as me! Y’know those silky lilac pants you were teasing me about? She liked them! And she was wearin’ this really cool denim jacket with a tiger embroidered on the back… I let her borrow one of my shirts and I’m usin’ tha’ as an excuse t’ see her again.” Harry paused, checking his phone when it buzzed in his hand.
No, that’s too straight forward. How about something like ‘How about we go grab some dinner sometime? I can take you to that fancy Italian place that opened up downtown last month.’ “Oh, wow. She sounds really cool.”
“She is really cool! And because you’re my ultimate best friend, I really want you to meet her before things get too serious.”
Or maybe he wants to stay at home? I can cook something for him. Well, I’ll try my best- Wait, what?
You snapped yourself out of your little thought bubble before blinking owlishly at Harry. What did he say? You heard something but you were really hoping he didn’t say what you thought he had said. “S-Sorry? Can you, uh, say that again?” You smiled sheepishly, Harry furrowing his brows before huffing playfully.
“I thought you were listening t’ me this whole time. I was saying that I want you t’ meet Tess next week and approve of her so that I can maybe take it to the next level with her! Because you’re my best friend and all, and your opinion really matters to me. Anyways, she’s hilarious and she jus’ texted me this recipe on…”
At that point, you had tuned out. The smile slowly dropped from your face when it finally hit you that all of this was just in your head. Your chest tightened and you could feel your heart beginning to drum inside you. You could hear the blood roaring in your ears, rushing up to the back of your neck and your cheeks in humiliation. What were you thinking? Of course you were just a friend to Harry. All those late-night phone calls, all those hours you spent traveling with him while he was filming for Dunkirk and while he was writing his album, all those times you’d wake up early just to make breakfast for him even though he never asked for it, all those times just helped you to… Further establish your position in the friend-zone. (You hated that term, but there was no other way to describe it.) Harry was friendly with everyone and you were the one who took it in the wrong way!
“So, what do yeh think, buddy?”
“Um, yeah. I’d love to meet… Tess.” You trailed off, feeling as though Harry had just shot a bullet straight through your heart.
“Cool! I’ll text her. By the way, what did you wanna tell me?”
“I… I forgot.” You felt completely numb on the inside.