if you’re reading this and i’m not here to explain everything to you, i would like for you to know a few things about why things don’t work out as planned. i don’t want you to think that you’re not worth every inch of your beating heart, you want to be loved and to feel wanted, in truth, i want the exact same thing, but it’s much less about someone else wanting me and more of wanting myself before anyone gets a try at trying to love someone that’s like me and i’ve been told a lot lately from a few different people that i should be careful about you and how you’ll hurt me if it comes down to it. i’m not worried about getting hurt because i’ve been too numb to even notice and that’s alright. i’ve hurt someone that’s very important to me and i can’t fix it, they say that i have to let things go and get over it– it’s been, fuck i don’t keep track of the days anymore. it’s just been a really long time and she still has bits of my heart and it’s really not your fault. maybe we met at the wrong time, maybe i shouldn’t have bought so many flowers. maybe i shouldn’t have kissed you, i promise i’m not trying to lead you on. i realized a week ago that when you looked me in the eyes and saw a whole future with me, it scared me. i don’t have much to offer, but poetry, books and my piano. i’m living in a modern day renaissance and i don’t know if i’m ready to fall in love anymore, i guess you’re right, i don’t know how to open up anymore. being happy comes up short most days, if i keep listening to these sad songs and see her face but not yours, these flaws are mine and mine only. acceptance is like a season that doesn’t fade, we ask the weather to be more than tempting and ask the wind to take us away. i am missing a few screws in my head and there’s moondust where hands used to pull me under, there’s sunlight where i’ve fallen for light love, how can i love myself if i keep trying to destroy my progress? my cousin says that you must love the struggle because if you’re at the top one day and you can’t see the grind to get to where you want to be, if you don’t respect the hustle and bustle of busy hearts trying to beat, if you can’t love yourself enough to let her go, if you’re wondering while you’re wandering– then dreams will stay as dreams and never will they enter your reality. you’ve heard this before, it’s not you, it’s me. another silly excuse for me to be distant. another reason the ocean drowns with the distance between islands of fire and seas of ice, sometimes i think it’d be nice to hold you just to have someone to hold, but what kind of person would i be if i didn’t show something genuine to you? these are the letters that you won’t read, these are the pieces of my tattered heart that you can see, and i’m so sorry about not visiting as much or talking as much or smiling as much or loving as much or anything related to telling you that we’re doing okay. i’m kinda lost right now and i can’t shake the feeling that a close friend of mine has died. i find more comfort with shadows than i do with your hugs and your smiling. i guess i really am messed up. i just don’t know how to love people like that anymore. do you love the idea of me or do you love me? a question that’ll haunt me until my last days. which parts of us do we truly understand? the universe is far too vast, we are but tiny specks of stardust inside a grain of sand trying to feel large. my life is an hourglass and i’ve been slowly falling for the reason as to why i shouldn’t stay, i don’t feel like i’m worth your time and that’s a big problem to me. i can’t love you if i’m in love with someone else. i can’t love you if i don’t love myself. you said that it’s not true. you can love people without being in love with yourself. it’s true. i’ve done it. i became a writer that way, but before i start using the word love carelessly– i want to treat my own body like it’s a sapling that’s not quite the tree that i’d sit under to read my favorite book. i want to make music with my veins pressed down into journals, so that even if i leave this place some day, at least i left my blood with my words and my lips with the meaning. i want to scratch my name into the stars and ask the sun to glow under my skin, which way is towards freedom of pain? or are we destined to be hurt? i want to love each parts of myself enough to carry my own name in silence because when you love people and you have nothing left for yourself and they leave– that’s where all the heartbroken artists live and still live even after they’ve healed. i’ve seen your response, i am living proof that you can love people even if you don’t love yourself. it has both made me a better person, but it has also broke a part of me that i can’t fix. they say that men shouldn’t cry because it’s weak. i used to be quite different. now, i think it’s okay to cry. sometimes when a good song comes on, i feel things that i can’t explain, i am a certain way that’s left to the unknown. i’ve been asking people a question. how do you know when you’re in love with someone? when you hear their name, your face lights up. when you’re having a bad day and all they have to do is be there for you to feel better. when you’re just absolutely sure that it is love and not an illusion. i don’t feel any of those things for anyone, but i’d like to have enough confidence to tell you that you are beautiful, i just can’t fix yet another broken person with my smile. my sister tells me that i attract broken people through my insane methods of empathy, i can be lethal if not taken in small doses. i think it’s like that for anyone who just needs to forget. are you trying to forget about someone too? i wanted you to feel pretty, so i bought my favorite flowers for you. i wanted to give attention, so i write to you. i wanted you to know that you’re too angry, i understand anger, so maybe that’s why we’re close. they say that passion is destructive by nature because if you want it bad enough, you’d do anything to make it happen. they say that if you want someone badly enough, there isn’t an excuse big enough out there that you’ll be able to say to not do it. i don’t have any excuses. no more promises. i don’t have a lie up my sleeve. i don’t have a smile for your bad days. i can’t be in your future if i’m uncertain about mine. i can’t be your lover if i am broken too. cracked hearts need clarity not romance. a pair of sad eyes need self-reflection not sex. a smile that’s fake enough to trick the sun into believing that it has shined there once upon a time, it needs someone that’s able to help you grow. i don’t think i’m that person. everyone has got problems and who doesn’t hate themselves on a really bad day? i guess i’m just a little tired of giving myself up for something that isn’t promised tomorrow. because when you’re alone and it’s just you, only you can fix your problems. no one else. just me, myself and i. maybe i’m selfish. maybe i’m full of shit. but if that’s what it takes to fix this heart of mine, i’ll give it all away just to feel another day. so if you find this some day and i’m no longer around–
it’s not your fault, i’m just trying to figure it all out.
it’s not your fault, i’m just trying to figure it all out.
— read this when i’m not around