i can feel the regret running through my veins

  • Aries: When I first saw you, I knew you were the most beautiful being I would ever lay eyes on. Your laugh is contagious and I can't help but feel like I'm flying when I'm with you. Never change.
  • Taurus: You are a rock for me to stand on when I can't do it on my own. You are the most patient person I have ever known, and more forgiving than I thought possible. Growing up under your care was a blessing.
  • Gemini: I trusted you, and you ruined me. One day you will think of me and regret every time you pushed me down. One day you will see that I am more than you ever expected me to be, and my life will have more meaning than you gave me.
  • Cancer: Your voice was like music and you touched me with a gentle hand and soft words. I thought you were my cure, the medicine that would make me feel alive again; but with your poison running through my veins I can tell you now that I have never felt so much pain. It's been 3 years but I still wince at the sound of your name.
  • Leo: You showed me what love looks like and I will never forget the kindness with which you treated me. Sometimes I can still taste you on my lips and I wish you knew that I still think of you.
  • Virgo: I have yet to meet a Virgo who will have an impact on my life.
  • Libra: My feelings toward you are those of envy, I admit that I resent you. You had the approval that I have sought for 18 years and I fail to understand why you are good enough, while I am not.
  • Scorpio: It's been a while, but I still think about how we used to be. Although I have been stung by your words, I remember the laughter we shared and the all the times you were there when I needed someone.
  • Sagittarius: You save me daily and for that I can never show enough gratitude. My heart swells when you say my name, and you say it so beautifully. When I look at you, everything feels alright, and I know I'm safe. You are the most gentle person to have ever touched my skin; I hope you never let me go.
  • Capricorn: You came into my life at a time where I needed you the most. We all needed you, and suddenly you were there. It was unexpected but welcomed, and you continue to make life bearable for me. When you're around, thoughts tumble from my lips; thoughts I didn't even realise were relevant to me. Your support means the world to me, so thank you.
  • Aquarius: You are one of the strongest people I have had the privilege to know. You pulled yourself up from a dark place, and I admire you so much for that, and I wish I shared your strength. We are not often sincere with each other - it's easy to joke about our pain when you don't want to feel it. But I remember when we drank our sorrows and laid under the stars in the middle of the road, and you gave me guidance and hope. I may not say it, but you are so incredibly important to me.
  • Pisces: You took on responsibilities that should have never been asked of you, and you never complained in the slightest. When you're hurting, you put on a mask, so carefully constructed; but you can't cover the way your voice shakes, and I know you too well. You deserve the wonders of the universe, and one day you will have your own galaxy, I promise you
Garden - Sierra Demulder

Whenever you had something to say to me
You’d write me a letter,
Leave it on my pillow and forget to sign
“With Love”.

Whenever you call I can tell
You wish you were talking to my answering machine
But lately I’ve made a habit to say
“I love you, Mom” and hang up quickly.

You remind me weekly to pay my bills
And you never forget to explain
That whatever I’m eating is unhealthy,
When I admitted that I smoked cigarettes
You threatened to disown me,
But when I showed you my wrists
You pretended not to see.
So I know that you love me,
But in a practical way.

I’m emotionally distant,
And probably bipolar,
Because you never showed me how to use a tampon.
I can’t reach out to anyone
Because my arms don’t remember what it feels like to be held
So they’re cemented in a constant position of pushing,
Playing defence,
I even blame you for my lack of athletic ability,
Because it was a hassle to come to my games.

I admit
I started writing this letter a long time ago,
I wrote “Dear” the day of our first fight,
I wrote “Mom” the day you got remarried,
I wrote “I hate you” when you read my diary,
“Get out of my life” when you called me a liar,
But today, I’m trying to write “come back”.
Please. A hundred times over,
Just in case you can’t find your glasses,
Don’t pretend you didn’t hear me,
Stop calling yourself a bad mother.

I’m done of throwing knives at telephone lines,
I want to hold you.
I want you to get into an emotional accident,
Your heart skidding on black ice,
Spinning your mouth out of control,
And you’re on bed-rest for a month,
And you have to let me take care of you,

I’ll take care of you, Mom,
I’ll take water to your lips,
I’ll comb your hair,
I’ll read you my favourite poems.
The morphine will make it easy for you to tell me
What you hated about high school,
What you love about gardens,
What it felt like to see my father for the very first time,
I am sick of waiting at the gates of your garden,
I want to smell you blooming.

I want you to tell you what my first word was,
Even though you don’t remember,
I want you to tell me that you never felt better
Than when you brought me home to my sisters
Because it was the first time you were whole.
I want you to tell me all those times you were holding my hand
It was because you knew
I was pretending to hold our heartbeats up to the skyline.

This letter isn’t meant to make you feel bad
And I’m writing it constantly knowing that guilt
Is running through your veins like porcelain,
Ready to shatter in your stomach.
Stop saying you regret how you raised me,
Because I don’t regret how your raised me,
All the mistakes we make in life take us some place.
Maybe we can meet there some day,

And we can lay together in your garden,
And I’ll tell you things like
When I think of my childhood,
I think of your freckles,
And when I think of what a woman is,
I think of your braids.

If the first step to getting there is telling you I love you
I will carve it in braille on your pillow
So it’s the first thing you feel in the morning.
I will pull my umbilical cord out of my stomach and tie it to your wrist
So when you’re lost you’ve got something to pull on,

Mom, I promise to start walking
As soon as I put this pen down,
As long as you promise to realise that a daughter
Is more than just a noun,
My arms are open and waiting,
I’ll walk more than half way,
If you promise you will meet me there some day.

“Do you think about us sometimes?” he asks. “I do.”

“Once a day,” I say grudgingly.

“Yeah?” He shoves his hands in his pockets. “What runs through your mind when you think about us?”

“Anger,” I admit. Even now, at the slight thought of it, I can feel anger start to bubble in my veins. “You?” It takes effort to keep my voice steady.

He hesitates. “Regret,” he whispers.