i can feel the dwarf feelings coming on and i can't stop

  • psychic: *reads my mind*
  • me: Onward, Chauncey! To the highest room of the tallest tower... ...where my princess awaits rescue from her handsome Prince Oharming! This is worse than "Love Leters". I hate dinner theater! Me, too. Whoa there, Chauncey! Hark! The brave Prince Harming approacheth. Fear not, fair maiden. I shall slay the monster that guards you... ...then take my place as rightful king. What did she say? It's Shrek! Whoo, Shrek, yeah! Prepare, foul beast... ...to enter into a world of pain with which you are not familiar! Happy birthday to thee Happy birthday to thee Do you mind? Do you mind? Boring! Prepare, foul beast... Someday you'll be sorry. We already are! Mommy... You're right. I can't let this happen. I can't! I am the rightful King of Far Far Away. And I promise you this, Mother... ...I will restore dignity to my throne. And this time, no one will stand in my way. Good morning. Good morning. Morning breath. I know. Isn't it wonderful? Good morning, good morning The sun is shining through Good morning, good morning To you And you! And you! They grow up so fast. Not fast enough. You'll be filling in for the King and Queen. Several functions require your attendance, sir. Great! Let's get started. Come on, lazybones. Time to get moving! You need to get a pair ofjammies. I got some sleep and I needed it Not a lot, just a little bit Someone's always trying to keep me from it It's a crying shame It's a royal pain in the neck I knight thee. If you're filling in for a king, you should look like one. Can somebody come in and work on Shrek? I will see what I can do. Yeah, wow. Is this really necessary? Quite necessary, Fiona. - I'm Shrek, you twit. - Whatever. This isn't a rehearsal, peoples. Let's see some hustle! Smiles, everyone! Smiles! I don't know how much longer I can keep this up. I'm sorry, but can you just try to grin and bear it? It's just until Dad gets better. Shrek? You look handsome. Come here, you. My but is itching up a storm and I can't reach it in this monkey suit. Hey, you! Come here. What's your name? Fiddlesworth, sir. Perfect. Ladies and gentlemen... ...Princess Fiona and Sir Shrek! Ahh! You've got it. A little to the left. That's it! That's good. Oh, yeah! Scratch that thing! You're on it. Shrek! My eye! What are you doing? Fiona! - Are you okay? - Yeah. I'm fine. Shrimp! My favorite! - That's it! We're leaving! - Calm down. Calm down? Who do you think we're kidding? I am an ogre. I'm not cut out for this, Fiona, and I never will be. I think that went well. Donkey! Come on, Shrek! Some people just don't understand boundaries. Just think. A couple more days and we'll be back home... ...in our vermin-filled shack strewn with fungus... ...and filled with the stench of mud and neglect. You had me at "vermin-filled". And, um... maybe even the piter-pater of little feet on the floor. That's right, the swamp rats will be spawning. Uh, no. What I'm thinking of is a little bigger than a swamp rat. Donkey? No, Shrek. What if, theoretically... ...they were little ogre feet? Honey, let's be rational about this. Have you seen a baby lately? They just eat and poop, and they cry... ...then they cry when they poop and poop when they cry. Now, imagine an ogre baby. They extra-cry and they extra-poop. Shrek, don't you ever think about having a family? Right now, you're my family. Somebody better be dying. I'm dying. Harold? Don't forget to pay the gardener, Lillian. Of course, darling. Fiona. Yes, Daddy? I know I made many mistakes with you. It's okay. But your love for Shrek has... ...taught me much. My dear boy... ...I am proud to call you my son. And I'm proud to call you my frog... ...King dad-in-law. Now there is a mater of business to attend to. The Frog King... is dead. Put your hat back on, fool. Shrek... ...please come hither. Yeah, Dad? This kingdom needs a new king. You and Fiona are next in line for the throne. Next in line. You see, Dad, that's why people love you. Even on your deathbed, you're still making jokes. Come on, Dad. An ogre as king? That's not such a good idea. There must be somebody else. Anybody! Aside from you, there is only one remaining heir. Really? Who is he, Dad? His name is... ...is... What's his name? ...is... Daddy! His name is Arthur. Arthur? I know you'll do... ...what's right. Harold? Dad? Dad! Dad? Do your thing, man. When you were young and your heart Was an open book You used to say live and let live You know you did, you know you did You know you did But if this ever changing world In which we live in Makes you give in and cry Say live and let die Live and let die Hey, lady You, lady Cursing at your life You're a discontented mother And a regimented wife What does a prince have to do to get a drink here? Ah, Mabel! Why they call you an ugly stepsister, I'll never know. Where's Doris? Taking the night off? She's not welcome here, and neither are you. What do you want, Harming? Not much. Just a chance at redemption. And a Fuzzy Navel. And Fuzzy Navels for all my friends! We're not your friends. You don't belong here. You're absolutely right, but, I mean, do any of us? Do a number on his face. Wait, wait, wait! We are more alike than you think. Wicked Witch! The Seven Dwarfs saved Snow White, and what happened? Oh, what's it to you? They left you the unfairest of them all. Now here you are, hustling pool to get your next meal. How does that feel? Pretty unfair. And you! Your star puppet abandons the show to go and find his father. I hate that little wooden puppet. And Hook. Need I say more? - And you, Frumpypigskin! - Rumpelstiltskin. Where's that firstborn you were promised? Mabel. Remember how you couldn't get your little fat foot... ...into that tiny glass slipper? Cinderella is in Far Far Away right now... ...eating bonbons, cavorting with every last fairy tale creature... ...that has ever done you wrong! Once upon a time, someone decided that we were the losers. But there are two sides to every story... ...and our side has not been told! So who will join me? Who wants to come out on top for once? Who wants their... ..."happily ever after"? This way, gents. It's out of my hands, senorita. The winds of fate have blown on my destiny. But I will never forget you. You are the love of my life. As are you. And, uh, you. I don't know you, but I'd like to. I got to go! I don't wanna leave you either. But you know how Shrek is. The dude's lost without me. But don't worry. I'll send you airmail kisses every day! Be strong, babies. Coco, Peanut, listen to your mama. Bananas, no roasting marshmallows on your sister's head. That's my special boy! Come here, all of you! Give your daddy a big hug! Shrek? Maybe you should just stay and be King. Come on. There's no way I could run a kingdom. That's why your cousin Arthur is a perfect choice. It's not that. You see... And if he gives me trouble, I always have persuasion and reason. Here's persuasion... and here's reason. Fiona... ...soon it's just going to be you, me... ...and our swamp. It's not going to be just you and me. All aboard! It will be. I promise. I love you. That's lovely. Bye-bye, babies! Shrek! - Wait! - What is it? I'm... I'm... I love you, too, honey! No! I said I'm... You're what? I said I'm pregnant! What was that? You're going to be a father! That's great! Really? I'm glad you think so! I love you! Yeah! Me, too! You! I'm going to be an uncle! I'm going to be an uncle! And you, my friend, are royally... Home. Shrek! Fiona! Fiona? Oh, no. Better out than in, I always say. No, no, no! It's okay. It's gonna be all right. Stop! Hey, wait! Donkey. Donkey! Wake up! Dada! Shrek! Are you okay? I can't believe I'm going to be a father. How did this happen? Allow me to explain. When a man has feelings for a woman... ...a powerful urge sweeps over him. I know how it happened. I just can't believe it. How does it happen? And the cat's in the cradle and the silver spoon Little Boy Blue and the Man in the Moon When you coming home, son? I don't know when But we'll get together then, Dad. Donkey! Can you just cut to the part where you're supposed to make me feel better? You know I love Fiona, boss. Right? What I am talking about is you, me, my cousin's boat... ...an ice cold pitcher of mojitos and two weeks of nothing but fishing. Don't listen to him! Having a baby isn't going to ruin your life. It's not my life I'm worried about ruining, it's the kid's. When have you ever heard the phrase "as sweet as an ogre"... ...or "as nurturing as an ogre"... ...or "You'll love my dad. He's a real ogre." Okay. I get it. It's not going to be easy. But you got us to help you. That's true. I'm doomed. You'll be fine. You're finished. Uh, with your journey "Wor-ces-ters-shiree"? Now that sounds fancy! It's Worcestershire. Like the sauce? It's spicy! They must be expecting us. What in the shista-shire kind of place is this? Well, my stomach aches and my palms just got sweaty. Must be a high school. High school? Ready? Okay! Wherefore art thou headed, to the top? Yeah, we think so, we think so! And dost thou thinkest thine can be stopped? Nay, we thinkst not, we thinkst not! All right, Mr. Percival, ease up on the reins. For lo, bro, don't burn all my frankincense and myrrh. I'm feeling nauseous from memories of wedgies and swirlies! How did you receive wedgies when you are clearly not the wearer of underpants? Let's just say some things are beter left unsaid. So I was all like, "I'd rather get the black plague than go out with you." - Oh, totally. - Pardon me. - Totally ew-eth. - Yeah, totally. I just altered my character level to +3 superb-ability. Hi. We're looking for someone named... Who rolled a +9 dork spell and summoned the beast and his quadruped? I know you're busy not fiting in, but can you tell me where I can find Arthur? He's over there. There is no sweeter taste on thy tongue than victory! Strong, handsome, face of a leader. Does Arthur look like a king or what? Sorry. Did you say you were looking for Arthur? That information is on a need-to-know basis. It's top secret! Now, gentlemen, let's away. To the showers! Greetings, Your Majesty. This is your lucky day. What are you supposed to be? Some kind of giant mutant leprechaun or something? Giant mutant... You made a funny. Unhand me, monster! Stop squirming, Arthur. I'm not Arthur. I am Lancelot. That dork over there is Arthur. This is, like, totally embarrassing... ...but Tiffany thinkest thou vex her so soothly. She thought perchance thou would ask her to the Homecoming Dance. Excuse me? Like, whatever. She's into college guys and mythical creatures. Oh, Arthur... ...come out, come out, wherever you are! You beter run, you litle punk no-goodniks! The days of Donkey Dumpy Drawers are over! Hold it. We're here for the mascot contest. We're here for the mascot contest, too. This is a costume? Worked on it all night long. Looks prety real to me. If he were real, could I do this? Or this? If it were real, that would have been agonizingly painful. - Now watch this! - That's quite enough, boys. Thank you to Professor Primbotom and his lecture... ...on "just say nay". And now, without further ado, let's give a warm Worcestershire hoozah... ...to the winner of our mascot contest, the... ...ogre? That's right. I'm the new mascot. So let's really try and beat the other guys at... ...whatever it is they're doing! This is all a bit unorthodox... Where can I find Arthur Pendragon? Hey, wait... Olassic. You should be ashamed of yourself! I didn't do it. They did. Please don't eat me. Eat him! Eat him! Eat him! I'm not here to eat him! Time to pack up your toothbrush and jammies. You're the new King of Far Far Away. What? Artie a king? More like the Mayor of Loserville! Burn. Is this for real? Absolutely. Olean out your locker, kid. You have a kingdom to run. So, wait... l'm really the only heir? The one and only. Give me a second. My good people... ...there's a lesson here for all of us. Next time you're about to dunk a kid's head in a chamber pot, stop and think, "Hey, maybe this guy has feelings. Maybe I should cut him some slack. 'Oause maybe... just maybe... ...this guy's gonna turn out to be, I don't know, a king? Maybe his first royal decree will be to banish everyone who ever picked on him." I'm looking at you, jousting team! And Guin? Oh, Guin. I've always loved you. Good friends, it breaks my heart, but... ...enjoy your stay here in prison while I rule the free world! Okay, let's not overdo it. I'm building my city, people... on rock 'n' roll! You just overdid it. Look at you! You look darling. Just precious. Look at her. Any cravings since you got pregnant? No. Not at all. Do you smell ham? It's present time! Fiona, please open mine first. It's the one in front. "Oongratulations on your new mess mak..." Oh, mess maker! "Hopefully this helps. Love, Oinderella." - Look at that! - What is it? It's for the poopies. Wait... babies poop? Everyone poops, Beauty. Fiona! We all chipped in for a litle present, too. Ta-da! You know the baby will love it, because I do! Guys, that's so sweet. Thank you. Who's this one from? I got you the biggest one, because I love you most. "Have one on me. Love, Snow White." What is it? He's a live-in babysiter. Where's the baby? You're too kind, Snow, but I can't accept this. It's nothing. I have six more at home. - What does he do? - Oleaning. - Feeding. - Burping. So, what are Shrek and I supposed to do? Work on your marriage. Thanks, Rapunzel. What's that supposed to mean? Oome on now, Fiona. You know what happens. You're tired all the time. You start leting yourself go. Stretch marks. Say goodbye to romance. I'm sorry, but how many of you have kids? She's right! A baby will only strengthen the love Shrek and Fiona have. How did Shrek react when you told him? When he first found out, Shrek said... Onward, my new friends! To our happily ever afters! Now... bombs away! Well, well, well. If it isn't Peter Pan. - His name's not Peter. - Shut it, Wendy. Enough pillaging! To the castle! You go! Take care of the baby! Everybody stay calm! We're going to die! Everyone in! Now! Oome on! Put some back into it! We don't have time. Now go! Quickly, ladies! We'll hold them off as long as we can! Where are Shrek and Fiona? The name doesn't ring a bell. No bell. I suggest you freaks cooperate... ...with the new King of Far Far Away! The only thing you're ever gonna be king of is King of the Stupids! - Hook! - Right! Avast, ye cookie. Start talking. - Gingy! - Papa! Setle down now. On the good ship Lollipop It's a sweet trip to the candy shop You! You can't lie. So tell me, puppet... where is Shrek? Well... I don't know where he's not. You don't know where Shrek is? It wouldn't be inaccurate to assume... ...that I couldn't exactly not say that is or isn't almost partially incorrect. So you do know where he is! On the contrary, I'm possibly more or less not definitely rejecting the idea that in no way, with any amount of uncertainty... Stop it! ...I do not know where he shouldn't be. If that indeed wasn't where he isn't. Even if he wasn't not where I knew he was, it could mean... On the good ship Lollipop Enough! Shrek went off to bring back the next heir! He's bringing back the next heir? No! Hook! Get rid of this new "King". But bring Shrek to me. I have something special in mind for him. He'll never fall for your tricks! Oh, boy. I can't believe it. Me, a king? I knew I came from royalty, but... ...I figured everyone forgot about me. Oh, no. In fact the King asked for you personally. Really? Wow. But I know it's not all fun and games. It really is all fun and games, actually. Sure, you have to knight a few heroes, launch a ship or two. By the way, make sure you hit the boat just right with the botle. Any idiot can hit a boat with a botle. Well, I've heard it's harder than it looks. This is going to be huge. Parties, princesses, castles. Princesses. You'll be living in the lap of luxury. The finest chefs will wait for your order. And fortunately, you'll have the royal food tasters. What do they do? Taste the food before the King eats, to make sure it's not poisoned. - Poisoned? - Or too salty. Don't worry. Your bodyguards will keep you safe. All of them willing at a moment's notice to lay down their lives out of devotion to you. Really? The whole kingdom will look to you for wisdom and guidance. Make sure they don't die of famine! - Or plague. - Plague is bad. The coughing, the groaning, the festering sores. Festering sores! You are one funny kity cat. What did I say? We don't want Artie geting the wrong idea. Artie? There goes my hip! Artie! What are you doing? What does it look like?! This really isn't up to you. I don't know anything about being king! You'll learn on the job! Sorry, but I'm going back. Back to what? Being a loser? Now look what you did! Look what I did? _ Who's holding the wheel, chief? Shrek! Land ho! How humiliating. Oh, nice going, Your Highness. Now it's "Your Highness"? What happened to "loser"? If you think this is geting you out of anything, it isn't. We're heading back to Far Far Away one way or another... ...and you're going to be a father! What? You just said "father". King! You're going to be king! "You're going to be king!" Yeah, right. Where are you going? Far Far Away... from you! Get back here, young man! Boss? I don't think he's coming back. Maybe it's for the best. He's not exactly king material. When did you plan to tell him you were supposed to be king? Oome on. Why would I do that? Besides, he'll be ten times beter at it than me. Then change your tactics if you want to get anywhere with him. You're right, Donkey. What about this? - Shrek! - Oome on. It's just a joke. Still... Listen, Artie. If you think this whole mad scene ain't dope, I feel you, dude. I'm not trying to get up in your grill or raise your roof. But what I am screamin' is, yo... ...check out this kazing thazing, bazaby! If it doesn't groove, or what I'm saying ain't straight trippin', say, "Oh, no, you didn't! You're geting on my last nerve." And then I'll know it's... I'll know it's wack! Help! I've been kidnapped by a monster who's trying to relate to me! - Artie, wait. - Oome on! Help! Hello? Greetings, cosmic children of the universe. Welcome to my serenity circle. Please leave any bad vibes outside the healing vortex. Now prepare to... I knew I should have got that warranty! Mr. Merlin? You know this guy? Yeah. He was the school magic teacher, until he had his nervous breakdown. Technically, I was merely a victim of a level 3 fatigue. At the request of my therapist, and the school authorities, I retired to the tranquility of nature to discover my divine purpose. Oan I interest anyone in a snack or beverage? Uh, no. Sure you don't want to try my Rock Au Gratin? It's organic. Thanks. I ate a boulder on the way in. We need directions to Far Far Away. "We"? Who said I was going with you? I did. People are counting on you, so don't try to weasel out of it. If the job's so great, you do it. Understand this, kid. No more Mr. Nice Guy from here on out. That was your Mr. Nice Guy? Yeah, and I'm going to miss him. Why don't you go terrorize a village and leave me alone! Was that a crack about ogres? You get your royal highness to Far Far Away... ...before I kick it there! Now, which way am I kicking? I could tell you, but since you're in the midst of a self-destructive rage spiral, it would be karmically irresponsible. Self-destructive? Are you going to help us or not? Most definitely, but only after you take the journey to your soul! I don't think so. It's either that or primal scream therapy. All right. Journey to the soul. Now, all of you, look into the Fire of Truth and tell me what you see. Ooh, charades! Okay, I see a Dutch fudge torte with cinnamon swirls! Okay, monster... go for it. I see a rainbow pony. Excellent work! Now the boy. This is lame. You're lame! Now just go for it. Okay. There's a baby bird and a father bird siting in a nest. Yes! Stay with it! The dad just flew away. Why did he leave the litle bird all alone? It's trying to fly, but it doesn't know how to. It's going to fall! Proper head case you are. Really messed up. Okay, I get it. The bird's me. My dad left. So what? Look, Artie, um... Just thought I'd help set the mood... ...for your big heart-to-heart chat. I know what it's like to not feel ready for something. Even ogres get scared. You know... once in a while. I know you want me to be king, but I can't. I'm not cut out for it, and I never will be. Even my own dad knew I wasn't worth the trouble. He dumped me at that school first chance he got... ...and I never heard from him again. My dad wasn't really the fatherly type, either. I doubt he was worse than mine. Oh, yeah? My father was an ogre. He tried to eat me. I guess I should have realized it. He bathed me in barbecue sauce and put me to bed with an apple in my mouth. I guess that's prety bad. It may be hard to believe, what, with my obvious charm and good looks, but people used to think I was a monster. And for a long time, I believed them. But after a while, you learn to ignore the names people call you and just trust who you are. You know... you're okay, Shrek. You just need to do a litle less yelling and use a litle more soap. Thanks, Artie. The soap's because you stink... really bad. Yeah... I got that. This place is filthy! I feel like a hobo. I'm sorry, but this isn't working for me. Everything's always about you. It's not like your atitude is helping. Maybe itjust bothers you I was voted fairest in the land. You mean in that rigged election? Give me a break. "Rapunzel, Rapunzel... ...let down thy golden extensions!" Ladies, let go of your pety complaints and let's work together! So I guess the plan is we just wander aimlessly in this stinkhole until we rot. No, we get inside and find out what Oharming's up to. I know he's a jerk and everything, but that Oharming makes me hoter than July. That's it! Oome on! This way! Rapunzel, wait! Oharming, let go of her. But why would I want to do that? What? Say hello, ladies, to the new Queen of Far Far Away. Rapunzel, how could you? Jealous much? Soon you'll be back where you started, scrubbing floors or locked away in towers. That is, if I let you last the week. Pookie, you promised not to hurt them. Not here, kiten whiskers. Daddy will discuss it later. Now forgive us. We have a show to put on. Shrek will be back soon, and you'll be sorry. Sorry?! Don't you realize once Shrek sets foot in Far Far Away... ...he's doomed? Look out! They got a piano! Kill them all... except the fat one. King Oharming has something special in mind for you, ogre. King Oharming? Atack! Artie, duck! Ready the plank! - Shrek! - Help! Oowards! What has Oharming done with Fiona? She's going to get what's coming to her. And there ain't nothing you can do to stop him! - We've got to save her. - But she's so far far away! Get yourself back to Worcestershire, kid. No, Shrek. Hold on. I've got an idea. I am a buzzing bee. Mr. Merlin? They need a spell to get them... ...I mean us, back to Far Far Away. Forget it. I don't have that kind of magic in me anymore. How about a hug? That's the best kind of magic. Please. I know you can do it. I said forget it! But... What's with you? It's just so hard, you know? They need to get back, 'cause their kingdom's in trouble. 'Oause there's a really bad man. It's just so hard! Take it easy. No! I don't think you understand! There's a mean person doing mean things to good people. Have a heart, old man. They really need your help to get back. Why won't you help them?! Okay. I'll go get my things. Piece of cake. Well, well. You want eggs with that ham? I am a litle rusty, so there could be some side effects. - Side effects? - Don't worry. Whatever it is, no mater how excruciatingly painful, it will wear off eventually. I think. - Oops. - You sure about this? If Artie trusts him, that's good enough for me. Even if his robe doesn't cover... Alacritious expeditious... ...a- zoomy-zoom-zoom! Let's help our friends get back... ...soon! It worked! I haven't been on a trip like that since college! Donkey? What? Is something in my teeth? Oh, no! I've been abracadabra-ed into a Fancy Feastin', second-rate sidekick! At least you don't look like some kind of bloated piñata! You should think about going on a diet! You should get yourself a pair of pants. I feel all exposed and nasty! So you two think this is funny? I'm really sorry, guys. Don't be. You got us back, kid. How in the Hans Ohristian Andersen am I supposed to parade around in these goofy boots? Hey, hey, hey! Be very careful with those. They were made in Madrid by the finest... You'll learn to control that. Seriously. Ow! You need some comfort inserts or arch supports or something. Watch it. I'm walking here and I'm gonna keep going until... Pinocchio! Shrek! Help me! - What happened? - Oharming and the villains took over! Fiona and the Princesses got away. Now she's... She's what?! What?! Puss! Loan me five bucks. You heard him. Help the brother out. Do you see any pockets on me? Hold on a second. I had no idea, really. I... I swear. Quick! Where is Fiona? Oharming has her locked away someplace. You have to find him! He's probably geting ready for the show! Wait, Pinocchio! What show? "It's a Happily Ever After After All". "Shrek's final performance"? Shrek! You didn't tell us you were in a play! I guess I've been so busy I forgot to mention it. The ogre! Get him! Don't worry, jefe. I got this. Uck! Kill it! Look. Don't you know who he thinks he is? How dare you! We're dealing with amateurs. He's a star, people! Hello? I'm so sorry about this, Mr. Shrek. I'm going to lose it! Is everything ready? You did get the list for the dressing room? Breakfast croissant stuffed with seared sashimi tuna. And I hope you have the saffron corn with jalapeno honey buter. Our client cannot get into his proper emotional state withoutjalapeno honey buter! I just lost it. They should talk to Nancy in Human Resources. Oh, we will have much to say to Nancy, I promise! "With this sword, I do..." No. "With..." "With this sword, I do smote thee!" Is "smote" the right word? "Smoot"? I don't think that's a word. Maybe I should just "smite" him. Let's try this again. Now... Shrek atacks me. I pretend to be afraid. "Now the kingdom will get the happily ever after they deserve. Die, ogre!" Blah, blah, blah. Oh, itjust doesn't feel real enough! Who told you to stop dancing?! Wink and turn. What are you laying around for? Get up! Honestly! Our happily ever after is nearly complete, Mummy. And I assure you... ...the people of this kingdom will pay dearly for every second... ...we've had to wait. Break a leg. On second thought, let me break it for you. Thank goodness. I was afraid you wouldn't get back in time. Where's Fiona? Don't worry. She and the others are safe... for now. Let me guess. Arthur. It's Artie, actually. This boy is supposed to be the new King of Far Far Away? How pathetic. Stand still, so I won't make a mess. Oharming, stop! I'm here now. You got what you wanted. This isn't about him. Then who's it about? I'm supposed to be king, right? You weren't really next in line for the throne. I was. But you said the King asked for me personally. Not exactly. What does that mean? I said whatever I had to say, all right? I wasn't right for the job, so I needed some fool to replace me. And you fit the bill. So just go! You were playing me the whole time. You catch on real fast, kid. Maybe you're not as big of a loser as I thought. You know, for a minute... ...I actually thought... - What? That he cared about you? He's an ogre. What did you expect? You really do have a way with children, Shrek. Leave me out with the waste This is not what I do It's the wrong time She's pulling me through It's a small crime And I got no excuse And is that all right, yeah? Is that all right with you? Is that all right, yeah? If I give my gun away when it's loaded? If you don't shoot it how am I supposed to hold it? Is that all right? Is that all right? Is that all right with you? No. No. Had we stayed put like I suggested, we'd be sipping tea out of litle heart-shaped cups. Yeah, heart-shaped cups. And eating crumpets smothered with loganberries. Yeah, loganberries. - Shut up, Oindy. - Yeah, shut up. - No, you shut up. - Stay out of this. Who cares who's "running the kingdom"? - I care. - You should all care. I have your badge number, tin can! - Donkey? - Princess! Puss? I am Puss, stuck here inside this hideous body. And I'm me! But you're... Everything's fruity in the loops, but what happened is we went to high school, the boat crashed and we got bippity-boppity-booped by the magic man. You poor sweet things. I don't get it. The cat turned into a litle horse that smells like feet. What's to get? Who dat? Where's Shrek? Oharming has him. He plans to kill Shrek tonight in front of the whole kingdom! All right, everyone. We need to find a way out now. You're right. Ladies, assume the position! What are you doing? Waiting to be rescued. You've got to be kidding me. What else can we do? We're just four... ...I mean three, super-hot princesses... ...two circus freaks, a pregnant ogre and an old lady! Excuse me. Old lady coming through. Mom! You didn't think you got your fighting skills from your father, did you? Excuse me. There's still one more. Why don't you just lie down? Okay, girls, from here on out... ...we take care of business ourselves. The Far Far Away Theatre at the Charming Pavilion is proud to present... ..."It's A Happily Ever After After AII." Enjoy your evening of theatrical reverie, citizen. Oi! No food or beverages in the theater! Places, everyone! Easy! Sorry. I was showing off for the litle one. It's Bring Your Kids to Work Day. Oome here, beautiful. Well, she's got your eye. Who would have thought a monster like me deserved something as special as you? Little birdies, take wing Flitting down from the trees they appear And to chirp in my ear All because I sing Move it! Go! My babies! Help! Hey, how's it goin'? O to the K. The coast is clear. Let's do this. Go, Team Dynamite! I thought we agreed to use the name Team Super Oool. I recall it was Team Awesome. I voted for Team Alpha Wolf Squadron. Okay! From henceforth, we will be Team Alpha Super Awesome Oool Dynamite Wolf Squadron. Ach de liebe! There is some strange litle girl over there staring at us! Artie! Wait, wait! Where is the fire, señor? Please. Don't act so innocent. You both knew what was going on and kept it to yourselves. It's not like it seems. It's not? I think it seems prety clear. He was using me. That's all. Using you? You really don't get it. Shrek only said those things to protect you. Oharming was going to kill you, Artie! Shrek saved your life. Oue the spot! I wait alone up here I'm trapped another day Locked up here, please set me free My new life I almost see A castle, you and me Yes, a castle, you and me Oherubs! Tis I, Tis I Upon my regal steed Princess, my love At last you shall be freed I'm strong And brave And dashing my way there With speed! With might! With soft and bouncy hair! - Through the blistering desert - Hot! - Across the stormiest sea - Wet! Facing creatures so vile Foul! So you can gaze upon me! I knew you'd come for me And now we finally meet I knew you'd wait And from my plate of love you'd eat Who is this terribly ugly fiend Who so rudely intervened? Will Charming fight or flee? Please rescue me! From this monstrosity! Fear thee not, honey lamb! I will slice this thing up like a ham! Oh, boy. You are about to enter a world of pain With which you are not familiar! It can't be any more painful than your lousy performance. "Prepare, foul beast." Prepare, foul beast, your time is done! Oould you kill me and then sing? Be quiet! I'm just having fun with you. That's actually a very nice leotard. Thank you. Do they come in men's sizes? Now that be funny! Enough! Now you'll finally know what it's like... ...to have everything you worked for... ...everything that's precious to you, taken away. Now you'll know how I felt. Sausage roll! Pray for mercy from Puss! And Donkey! D Hi, honey. Sorry we're late. You okay? Much beter, now that you're here. So, Oharming, you want to let me out of these so we can setle this ogre-to-man? Ooh, that sounds fun. But I have a beter idea. No! Let go of me! You will not ruin things this time, ogre. Kill it. Everybody, stop! Oh, what is it now?! Artie? Who thinks we need to setle things this way? You mean you want to be villains your whole lives? But we are villains! It's the only thing we know. You never wish you could be something else? Easy for you to say. You're not some evil enchanted tree. You morons! Don't listen to him! Atack! What Steve means is it's hard to come by honest work when the whole world's against you. Right. Thanks, Ed. Fair enough. You're right. I'm not a talking tree. But you know... ...a good friend once told me... ...just because people treat you like a villain, or an ogre... ...or just some loser... ...doesn't mean you are one. What maters most is what you think of yourself. If there's something you really want, or someone you want to be... ...the only person standing in your way is you. - Me? - Get him! No, no, no! What I mean is each of you... ...is standing in your own way. I always wanted to play the flute. I'd like to open up a spa... in France! I grow daffodils. And they're beautiful. A new era finally begins! Now all of you... ...bow before your King! You need to work on your aim. This was supposed to be my happily ever after! Well, you need to keep looking... ...because I'm not giving up mine. Mommy? It's yours if you want it. But this time it's your choice. Author! Artie! Artie! Artie! Artie! Excuse me. That's my seat. Okay, Señor Hocusy-Pocusy, the time has come to rectify some wrongs! Though I have been enjoying these cat baths. Please say you didn't. All right! Look. You'll feel a pinch and possibly lower intestinal discomfort... ...but this should do the trick. - Are you? - I'm me again! - And I am not you! - All right! Oops. Ah, never mind. What did I tell you? The kid's going to be a great king. Well, for what it's worth, you would have, too. I have something much more important in mind. Finally. Dada. Was I wrong about the world? It's a beautiful new place I smell Shrek Junior! Where else could a creep like me Meet such a pretty face Meeting every day with the rising sun Looking up, it's looking like My losing streak is done Peek-a-boo! Peek-a-boo! A bouncy, bouncy, boy! Used to always feel like Wished that I was dressed better Where's the baby? Never had a lot of luck Until I finally met her Meeting every day with the rising sun Looking up, it's looking like My losing streak is done My losing streak is done Well... what shall we do now? I got it. Puss and Donkey, baby! Once again, come on! I want to thank you for letting me be myself Again! Look at my hips! I want to thank you for letting me be myself Again! - Break it down! - Let's go! Stiff all in the collar Fluffy in the face Chit chat chatter trying Stuffy in the place Thank you for the par-tay But I could never stay I'm sorry. I got many things on my mind But the word's in the way And I want to thank you for letting me be myself Again Different strokes for different folks Thank you for letting me be myself Again Break it down! Puss and Donkey, baby! Puss and Donkey, baby! Puss and Donkey, baby! Dance to the music All night long Everyday people Sing a simple song Mama's so happy Mama start to cry Papa's still singing You can make it if you try So try! Thank you for letting me be myself Again Thank you for letting me be myself Again Oome on, Donkey. Do something right! Put the hoofs together! Put the hoofs together! Stomp your boots, baby! Stomp your boots, baby! Stomp your boots, baby! Thank you for letting me be myself Again I want to thank you for letting me be myself Again Thank you, thank you, thank you. Want to thank you Just to be my Because I just want to be my... See? Can I, can I thank you! Can I Yes! Yes!
  • psychic: what the fuck

Part of Tyrion’s kindness towards Sansa comes from his guilt over what happened to Tysha, I think, and I also think part of it is a desire to play the “white knight”. Jaime says of Tyrion protecting Sansa that he “has these fits of gallantry from time to time” and I think Tyrion would like to see himself as the gallant knight who rescues the maiden, a role that’s denied to him because of his disability. But I think he also empathizes with Sansa on a deeper level.

Tyrion empathizes with Sansa long before he is attracted to her. At the beginning of a Clash of Kings he offers her sympathy for her father’s death and promises not to hurt her, even though their families are enemies and her mother took him prisoner and nearly had him executed for something he didn’t do. I mean, you could say that a lot of his kindness and desire to keep her safe are motivated by the fact that he is aware that she can be used as a bargaining chip to guarantee Jaime’s safety, but look at the scene immediately after he stops Joffrey from having her publicly beaten, when Tyrion and Sansa are alone:

“If it gives you any solace, I do not intend that you ever wed Joffrey. No marriage will reconcile Stark and Lannister after all that has happened, I fear.” [lol, i c wut u did there grrm] “More’s the pity. The match was one of Robert’s better notions, if Joffrey hadn’t mucked it up.”

She knew she ought to say something, but the words caught in her throat.

“You grow very quiet,” Tyrion Lannister observed. “Is that what you want? An end to your betrothal?”

“I…” Sansa did not know what to say. Is it a trick? Will he punish me if I tell the truth? She stared at the dwarf’s brutal bugling brow, the hard black eye and the shrewd green one, the crooked teeth and wiry beard. “I only want to be loyal.”

“Loyal,” the dwarf mused, “and far from any Lannisters. I can scarce blame you for that. When I was your age, I wanted the same thing.”

Tyrion correctly infers that she’s keeping quiet to protect herself when he asks her if she wants to end the betrothal, because this is a game he’s familiar with. Tyrion knows what it feels like to be a prisoner of the Lannisters because he’s been one his whole life, in some ways. Sansa’s lie that she “only wants to be loyal” is something Tyrion knows, too. Tyrion is intensely loyal to the Lannisters because loyalty is survival, as he tells Jon Snow in A Game of Thrones. Tyrion’s relationship with being a Lannister is really interesting because he’s basically the Lannister cheerleader but he’s also able to recognized how shitty and destructive the Lannisters are as a unit.

How sad is it that Tyrion sympathizes with Sansa over the crap the Lannisters have put both of them through when they’re his own family? At least Sansa has a family that loves her that she wants to get back to. Tyrion says that when he was her age, he wanted to be far away from his family. (Coincidentally this would be about the same age that he married Tysha).

Tyrion never thinks about Sansa in a romantic or sexual way until after they’re married (and even after that he feels guilty for having these thoughts because he considers her a child). The scene I quoted above is one of my favorite scenes between them because he’s not seeing her as a pretty girl who needs to be rescued, he’s not seeing her as Tysha, and he’s not seeing her as a valuable hostage. He’s seeing himself in her. Tyrion wanting to preserve Sansa’s innocence after they’re married and insisting that she is a child is, I think, in part about mourning the loss of his own innocence.

In the same scene quoted above Sansa refuses Tyrion’s offer of letting her sleep in the Tower of the Hand, saying that it would give her bad dreams, and whether or not Tyrion believes the lie he says that he is “no stranger to nightmares”. He says again to Sansa in A Storm of Swords that he “knows about bad dreams”. Fandom never talks about Tyrion’s lingering PTSD and nightmares from his time as a prisoner in the Vale, but I think it’s possible that he suffers from other nightmares as well, given what he says to Sansa and how his insomnia is often mentioned in the text.

And then there’s this exchange from when Sansa and Tyrion first interact with each other:

“I am loyal to my beloved Joffrey.”

“No doubt. As loyal as a deer surrounded by wolves.”

“Lions,” she whispered, without thinking. She glanced about nervously, but there was no one close enough to hear.

I find it interesting that even though Sansa does not trust Tyrion, she has the boldness to correct him even though he himself is one of the lions. Even at this point she’s making a distinction between Tyrion and the rest of the Lannisters, or maybe she just thought Tyrion would appreciate the wordplay. We don’t know what Tyrion thinks about this response but we can determine from Tyrion’s sarcastic comment about her loyalty that he knows how she really feels and doesn’t hold it against her, and I think Sansa recognizes this in Tyrion.

Cute Moments With His Family
  • Ashton: You're in the kitchen with Ashton's mom helping her make dinner while Ashton plays with his little brother in the living room. "Sweetie, can you open this?" Anne asks you, offering out a jar to you. You take it from her and attempt to open the jar, but can't manage to get a grip on it. You frown before calling out to Ashton, "Ash, babe, can you come open this?" He comes into the kitchen, his little brother hot on his heels. He takes the jar from you and opens it effortlessly. "Anything else you need, babe?" he smirks. You roll your eyes and shove his chest. "A less cocky boyfriend would be great," you say sarcastically. He sticks his bottom lip out and whines, "You don't really mean that, do you?" You shrug, turning to the cutting board on the counter. Within seconds, you feel his arms snake around your waist. His taller frame dwarfs yours as he rests his chin on your shoulder. He presses a kiss to your cheek before he mumbles, "I'm sorry, baby. Forgive me?" You ignore him and he tightens one of his arms around you. His other hand reaches up to cup one side of your face, pulling gently so you turn to look at him. He presses his lips gingerly against yours, increasing the passion a little when you kiss back, careful not to go to far in front of his family. He rests his forehead against yours when you pull away and mumbles, "Sorry I'm cocky." You smile and say, "It's okay. Love you anyway." That beautiful smile of his breaks out across his face and he says, "I love you more." You hear his mother laugh from behind you before she says, "As precious as you two are, you need to either help or get out of the kitchen, Ashton. You're stealing my helper." Ash kisses your forehead softly before he releases you to let you return to cooking with his mom as he goes back to playing with his brother.
  • Calum: You're trying to pay attention to Calum's sister talking about her plans to move to London, but Calum keeps distracting you by sticking his tongue out at you and pulling stupid faces. You bite your lip to contain your giggles, but you're failing more and more with each face. When no one is looking, you stick your tongue back out at him. He smiles and laughs under his breath at you. When his mom looks away, he tears a piece of his roll off and throws it at you. You gasp before tossing the piece back at him. He tries in vain to catch it in his mouth. You can't hold in your laughter this time and let out a fairly loud snort, causing his parents and sister to look right at you. "Something funny?" his mom asks with with a small smile. "It's nothing," you mumble, not meeting her eyes. You turn to his sister and ask, "Sorry, what were you saying?" She launches back into her story and you focus on her, trying your hardest to ignore your ridiculous boyfriend across the table. You suddenly feels Calum's foot nudge yours under the table. You comment on something his sister says about London as you intertwine your lower leg with his, trying to keep him from drawing attention to both of you again. He simply breaks free and goes back to repeatedly nudging your foot with his. You glare at him across the table, making him laugh. You mouth the word, "Stop," making him pout. "Something wrong?" his dad asks you. "Yes, your son is ridiculous," you tell him with a sigh. "He's your boyfriend," his dad chuckles. "You're voluntarily in this family." You roll your eyes and say, "Seems like a bad decision today." His sister laughs and says, "You two are the cutest couple I've ever seen." Calum puts two fists into the air and says, "See, babe. We're adorable." You groan and place your head on the table in response, making everyone laugh.
  • Luke: You're sitting on a stool in his kitchen, talking to his mom about school and your family. She turns the conversation toward your relationship with Luke. You immediately blush when she brings him up. "He's really incredible," you tell her, a smile forming on your lips as soon as you started talking about him. "Well, good, because I'm glad that you're a part of this family," she tells you with a smile of her own. You feel a pair of arms wrap around your waist from behind. You immediately relax back into his chest, recognizing Luke's warm embrace. You turn your head back to see your beautiful boyfriend smiling down at you. He smiles back at you before leaning his head down to press his lips to yours. You keep smiling against his lips before you kiss him back sweetly, still aware that his mother in less than twenty feet away. You reach up with one of your hands and grab the brim of his snapback to yank it off his head and place it on your own. He smiles against your lips before you pull back. He rests his forehead against yours before he says, "You stole my hat." You smile and say, "Uh huh. What are you going to do about it?" You squeal as his fingers start to move mercilessly against your sides, making you squirm in your seat. His laugh joins yours until he relents and says, "Can I please have it back, babe?" You shake your head, readjusting his hat on your head. "Ugh, fine," he grumbles before pressing his lips softly to yours again. When you check your Instagram later, you see a notification from Luke's mom. She took of a picture of you laughing and wearing his snapback as Luke laughed with you and tickled you. She added the tagline: They make each other so happy :) Love having her in this family!
  • Michael: "I wanted to be the thimble," you pout when Michael steals your game piece as you sit down with his family to play Monopoly. He shrugs and says, "Then you have to sit on my lap for the whole game." You smile and say, "Deal," taking the game piece from his hand before sliding onto his lap. One of his arms tightened around your waist, bring you as close to him as possible. "You two are adorable," his mom says. "Mum, I'm punk rock," Michael says, faking horror. "You're playing Monopoly with your parents and your girlfriend on a Friday night. You are not punk rock, Clifford," you laugh, patting his knee gingerly. "I'm going to destroy you in this game for that comment," he grumbles as the game begins. Thirty minutes into the game and you've both managed to bankrupt both of Michael's parents and now it's just between the two of you. Despite the name calling that's happening, he's still got you in his lap and he drops random kisses to your head and temple, letting you know that the name calling is all a part of the game. Slowly, he manages to start pulling ahead of you, gaining more cash than you since you keep landing on his expensive properties. "Mikey, you're going to win, do we have to keep going?" you ask him as you fork over another five hundred and twenty dollars. "We can stop if you'll give me a kiss," he counters. You turn your head around and take his face in your hands, pressing your lips sweetly to his. You can tell he wants more, but is holding back due to his parents sitting across the table. When you pull away, he smiles and says, "That'll do. I still win though." You roll your eyes and shove his chest, making him laugh and wrap his arms tighter around your waist. "I love you!" he shouts, making you and his parents laugh. "Love you too, Mikey," you laugh.