i can feel it slowly drifting away

You don’t know how much it kills me every time you ignore me. It kills me to think that something’s changed. I don’t know exactly what it is. I don’t know what happened, i just woke up one day and you’ve changed a lot. The way you treat me, i can feel your coldness, i can feel that there’s a gap between us, i can feel that you’re slowly drifting away from me. But i remained silent, i removed those thoughts in my head and told myself that maybe you just need time. Maybe you just don’t want to talk to me for a while. I wanna know what, because as far as i remember, i didn’t do anything wrong that’s why i’m wondering why a sudden change? But i’m still hoping that we’ll go back to the way we used to. I’m still waiting for you to open up what’s really bothering you and why you’re ignoring and avoiding me. Because it hurts you know, to be ignored by the person you love, by the person you trusted the most, by the person i treated as my priority and i’m willing to drop anything just for him. It hurts, it really hurts to wonder why and to think that maybe, that person doesn’t want you in their life anymore, that maybe, they’ve found someone. It hurts to think that they’ve replaced you.

„Depression isn’t feeling a little sad while you watch netflix in bed in your pjs

Depression isn’t a cute girl in a big sweater and messy bun giving you a small smile

Depression isn’t feeling hopeless until someone kisses your pain goodbye

Let me tell you about depression, from someone that actually has it. Depression is messy and gross. It’s not smudged mascara and cute girls crying. It’s grimy teeth and greasy hair because I haven’t managed to properly care for myself in days, weeks even. It’s not feeling a little down or tired at school. It’s the fact that I haven’t gone to school in over a week. It’s my future on a plate that I’m slowly letting drift away because I can’t pull myself out of bed anymore. It’s me starving because I can’t care enough to make food. It’s me laying in bed for hours, wondering how to die without putting in any effort. It isn’t a quirky picture of a girl in a dark room because she’s “different” I can have the lights on all fucking day, but the emptiness lingers. I can drown myself in the loneliness I feel as there are people right outside the fucking door. And it’s not because I’m different, it’s because I have an actual mental illness that makes me feel this way.

More than that though, depression ISN’t FEELING A LITTLE DOWN. It’s sitting there, feeling nothing and wishing, for the love of God to feel anything. But then when you do, the only thing you manage to feel correctly is pain and sadness and it’s overwheliming. Enough to send me into a panic attack. Enough to make me glad when the emptiness comes back. And the cycle continues. Over and over and over and over. It’s long and tiring and boring. There’s nothing interesting about being depressed because it’s a fucking boring cycle that seems endless. We all feel down sometimes, but when you’re down in your depression, it’s so fucking hard to get back up. Normal people have bad days and bounce back. Having depression is like every bad day drops you 20 more feet lower than rock bottom.

Depression is consuming and draining. I don’t have someone that can kiss the pain goodbye because all the kisses in the world won’t fucking cure this. Flowers don’t grow out of your scars and suicidal people aren’t angels waiting to go home. It isn’t pretty or poetic. The only thing that grows is the amount of scars on my arm. They aren’t pretty white lines that tell a beautiful story. They are horrible, jagged, puffy reminders of needing pain to cope with just being alive. We aren’t angels, we are sick. Mentally sick. My eyes aren’t “beautifully sad” they are sunken in and dark around the edges. There’s nothing beautiful about the noticeable dark bags or the blank stare as I can’t manage to even look like I have any emotion to what you’re saying to me. Cigarette smoke doesn’t create a beautiful fog that masks sadness. It is coughing your lungs out because you’re slowly killing yourself with a fucking stick of lung cancer. The smoke tastes bad and smells bad and only serves as a coping mechanism.

I am not a flower

or an angel

or a princess in search of prince charming

I am a mentally ill person. It isn’t fun or cute. Stop acting like this is a unique trend. Depression is ugly and it ruins your fucking life. There’s nothing poetic about that.”

—  Anonym

“I’m sorry I annoy you…
I’m sorry you’ll probably talking to someone way better than me , & I can’t help but feel like a bother to you…
I’m sorry that all I want is to you to talk to me…
I’m sorry I come off as clingy but in reality I’m just missing you…
I’m sorry if you don’t want to talk to me it’s understandable… All I’m is a annoying clingy burden… I bother you too much I fear that you’ll slowly drifting away…
I’M SORRY!!!”

Big change

Hey guys, I just wanted to address some things so you guys can feel updated on some “changes” and comments I’d like to make on my comics.

First, I would like to say thank you all for 3k followers! I actually feel guilty getting this many because Tumblr is the least used social media where I post comics besides imgur and Reddit (which I have slowly drifted away from) so I’m going to try and step up my game with posting and being more active on tumblr. The two social medias I use are twitter (username is @blumod_), where I constantly update on status of comics, do art or fan art, or just do funny tweets, and my second most used social media is iFunny where every single comic I’ve made has been posted unlike tumblr since I originated from iFunny, so if you want to see those, go to iFunny.co/BluMod to read the rest.

Second thing is kinda major; I’m changing my artstyle.

Now this one I have been wanting to talk about for a while. My original artstyle of poorly drawn marshmallow people is very unoriginal. A lot of other users can pull it off and still seem original such as TheOdd1sout, SeaRabbit, 8BitLiam, and many more. But I want an art style I can call mine and not feel guilty of thinking it’s a copy and paste of some one else’s idea. I make comics, and I want to make sure my jokes are 100% original, and I want to do the same to my artstyle, which is what I’ve done.

Anyways, sorry for the long rant but that’s my situation. Thank you to all who cared to read that. You guys are the best! :)

Don’t ever say that i didn’t love you and my love for you is not real. Remember how many times i told you how much i love you and how i made you feel my love for you and it’s not my problem anymore if you’re numb and blind not to feel and see it. And also remember how many times you’ve pushed me away. How many times you made me feel that you don’t need someone like me in your life. How you made me feel that i’m just a trash, that i’m just nothing to you. I did everything to prove my love for you until i have no choice but to give up because you made me feel that no matter what i do, you will never love me back. I got tired, i got tired of you, i got tired of you making me feel that you can’t love me back, i got tired of the pain. That’s why i gave up. And i learned how to slowly drift away from you eveb though it hurts. And now that i found someone, someone who’s better than you and made me feel that i deserve to be loved. It made me realized why it didn’t work out with you, maybe because i really don’t deserve you. So don’t ever say that my love for you is not real, i loved you but my heart got tired and so i gave up.
—  My heart got tired of loving you

I’m afraid to stop missing him.

If I’m being honest, I’m scared to know what it feels like to be okay again without him.

I can feel it happening. I’m slowly forgetting how happy he made me. I’m drifting away from the memories and magic we made. And every day, I start to miss him a little less.

But what exactly happens when I don’t miss him anymore? I don’t want to drive by the elementary school and not remember our first kiss. I don’t want to go to the pumpkin patch and not remember our first big, blow-out fight. I don’t want to go to the baseball fields and not remember exactly where I was sitting when I fell in love.

I don’t want to stop missing him. Missing him is the only way I can remember him, and I’ve already lost so much of him. If I don’t miss him, I won’t think of him. I don’t want to lose those memories, too.

—  excerpt from an unfinished book #70 // He only exists in my thoughts. What happens when I finally stop thinking them?
Our Little Secret Pt. 1

PG-13+

Taylor was prepping for her big return with her Formula One show. As she prepared onstage whipping her messy bun back and forth with passionate zeal, Taylor was alerted about a special guest who she assumed to be her mother. Andrea had promised to stop by to watch Taylor rehearse, but when Taylor entered her dressing room, the person standing before her was certainly not Andrea Swift.

Keep reading

I can feel myself slowly losing my friends. I feel myself drifting away. And wanna know my biggest fear? Being alone. And that’s exactly what i’m bringing myself too. I told two of my friends, a deep secret. That if I said it right now, you’d maybe feel sorry for me. It’s not a nice secret. It’s like one of those dark secrets that just slip one day because you just can’t hold it in. You’re tired of people not realizing what’s going on. It feels like i’m always there for someone but no ones ever there for me. How does that work?? Where is everyone that said they would be there for me? Guess they only come to me they need something. But what about when I need someone to talk to? Just one person to listen to me. I dont have anyone rn it seems, and it scares me because I dont want to be alone. I want someone to reach out to me, but no ones noticed at all, that’s nice…. Really.. Its great suffocating yourself with your own thoughts

Why.

Why does it hurt so much?

Why do I have to feel anything?

You drifted away slowly,

Like the blood and tear drops,

Trickling down from the wound in my heart.

I want to scream.

I want to cry till I can’t breath, till my lungs give out, till there’s nothing left in me.

I wanna run.

Run far away from this dark place I call home, run through these cold streets.

Run as far as this path can take me, I don’t care where, I just want to go far.

I want to run till my legs give out on me, till my sore feet become numb.

I don’t want to feel anymore.

This pain in my chest, this helplessness I can’t seem to get rid of.

I want to live happily.

I want to live freely.

I want to do what I love, but how?

Why can’t I find happiness?

Help.

Where are you?

Where have you been?

Why aren’t you here already?

Why can’t I find you?

Emptiness is all that’s left within me.

I’m tired, tired of feeling alone.

This feeling of desolation.

I can’t bare anymore.

I’m tired of feeling afraid.

Losing everyone, but this one hurts the most.

Why do I have to get so close to people?

Why do they keep running away?

I gave you everything.

Everything I had, am I still not enough?

What more do you need?

I want to cry, but my eyes won’t even water.

Why do you feel so far away?

I try to reach out to you,

But when I do, you pull away.

The rain doesn’t seem to stop,

My eye’s don’t give tears,

yet my heart can’t hold them back.

Walking through these cold streets,

Strange looks are given,

Everyone running inside for shelter,

But I only walk further,

Letting each heavy drop drench me.

You drifted away slowly,

Like the dry spring flower petals,

Falling slowly to the cold wet ground.

I scream inside for you to come back to me,

but my voice grows quieter.

Trying, seeming pointless.

I don’t like that feeling when someone starts to change. When you can feel that person slowly drifting away from you. When you can clearly see that they’re no longer the person who used to tell you everything about what happened on his day. That person used to talk to you almost everyday, anything no matter what it is, they’ll talk to you. I don’t like that feeling of being strangers again. It feels like you don’t know them. I hate that feeling when you look at them and they’re not the person you trusted. I know that people change and so their feelings, but it hurts to see them happy with someone else and they have forgotten about you.
Since the day he met someone else, he hasn’t spoken to me. It’s been a week since then and i was wondering why all of a sudden. He stopped talking to me, i can feel that something has changed. I looked into his eyes and asked him what’s wrong but he looked away, he can’t stand it, he doesn’t want to see the pain in my eyes. I admit, it breaks my heart to see him slowly drifting away from me and to see him with someone else. It hurts when he stopped caring and didn’t even bother to explained why he changed. But eventually I became okay with it, with not hearing anything from him, not seeing him, not talking to him, not being important to him anymore but then again, I don’t think i’ll get through this. I don’t think i can forget what he made me feel, how much it hurt me. He gave me something to believe in and snatched it from me when I wasn’t looking.  He was the first person who removed my feet from the mud, yet he was also the same person who threw my whole body in it afterwards. He made me love him and then all of a sudden he let me fall and hit the ground, it’s so painful. I thought it’s the end of my life, my whole body is in pain. He didn’t care about it enough and so he kept leaving and I kept leaving the door open behind him. He didn’t care that he hurt me, just because he’s already happy with that person he met.
It’s sad to admit that i let the door open so he can come back to me anytime he wants, if ever she will left him. He came back but not for me, but to make me realized why it didn’t worked out. I think a small part of him loved me, but not enough for me to be the only one, not enough to make him stay and I guess that makes me sad because he didn’t fight for “us”, he just gave up. I’ve learned now that it was never about me. It was always about him, his selfishness, his doubts, his uncertainties. He’s not sure on what he really feel for me. He’s not sure if it’s really love and i guess he mistaken love from important. Maybe i was really important to him, but the love he has for me? i doubt it. He love me now and then take five steps back and decide that it wasn’t what he wanted. It’s not going to be me in the end. And that’s why when found someone new, he just left.
I don’t feel like i was never enough, in fact i know i am enough to anyone. I know i deserve to be loved. The thing is, he’s just too blind to notice it. Maybe, some things meant to happen. Maybe, there has always been someone much better for me out there and I think I should wait for him.
—  maybe i should let it go

“I don’t know what happened”

“I just woke up one day and he doesn’t care at all. I don’t know how will i point it out. I don’t know where did i go wrong. Everything has changed. There’s a pang of pain in my chest to see the one you love slowly drifting away from you. He’s so close to you but you can feel that he’s no longer happy. I don’t know how will i get it back. I don’t know if i’ll fight for it. It hurts that he can’t say straight in my eyes that he doesn’t want to be in this place anymore because he doesn’t want to hurt me. It hurts that he’s just waiting for me to be the first one to give up. I don’t know if i should blame myself or his love for me because maybe, just maybe his love for me is not enough to make him stay…


It hurts to know that one day, he fell out of love when all i did is to love him.”