Y'all I'm so weak read this
So my friend Daria comes over to my house and as soon as I open the door Daria exclaims, “Biitttttcccchhhhh” (now y'all already know that when a black girl says this, it’s time to grab some snacks, make yourself comfortable because a legendary ass story is about to proceed).
So I sit down and get comfortable.
Daria proceeds, “So , you know how I’ve been talking to (I ’ll call him Trey) right? Yea, well today he finally asked me over to come watch movies and chill at his place.”
Now I get excited af because I knew this was about to be a hoe story. I act surprised like, “oh word?”
Daria’s like, “yes. Girl. I been waiting for this day because it’s been so long my virginity practically reformed inside my body…anyways, so yea so I start prepping for tonight. I’m doing my kegels, shaved, drank cran-pineapple juice. I went the whole nine yards.
So around 9 o'clock I go to this his house and immediately I become confused as a bitch. This nigga has no furniture in his living room. So I’m like "where’s your furniture?” Trey’s like “oh um…I threw a wild ass party last week and and they got fucked up so they getting cleaned.” Alright, cool I’m not tripping over living room furniture because I ain’t come for no furniture I came to get my cheeks clapped like a badass 2 year old. I go to his room…..and bitchhhh Trey has a fucking twin xl ass bunk bed in the corner of the room with no covers, just a small ass cloth for a blanket like we in Prison Break.“
Me: "Daria stfuuuuu you always exaggerating, there’s no possible way…”
Daria: “no bitch I fucking wish I was lying. Let me finish, so this nigga has this small ass bunkbed in the corner of his room. But you know what? I gave myself a pep-talk like ‘naw Daria, you deserve to get your ass ate. You been a good girl this week bitch take your own damn self to red lobster after this’ and talked myself out of leaving. I ask Trey if he live here with someone else and Trey is like, "yea my cousin stays here too but he’s gone for the week. Get comfortable, let me just change really quick.” Now, I’m looking all around because there’s no fucking tv in this small ass jail cell of a room. But I’m thinking maybe he packs it up so it won’t get stolen. So Trey comes back and I’m like, “so what movie we watching?” And he’s like “what movie you tryna watch?” And I take this opportunity to let him know what my intentions are upfront so I’m like, “it don’t even matter because I doubt we’ll be watching much of it” in my sexiest voice possible. So Trey look at me, smirk and starts typing some movie into his phone. He tells me to move over so he can lay by me. Now this is the part that pissed me the fuck off.
Daria: BITCH THIS NIGGA TYPES IN NETFLIX ON HIS IPHONE (5s MIND YOU) STRETCHES HIS ARMS OUT AND SAYS, “ I don’t have a tv so we gon have to pretend my phone a 50 inch tv. Can you see okay?” Bitch I’ve never ran out of a house so fast.
GUYS when I tell you that I busted out laughing. I had real tears streaming down my face.