More sad Kanda thoughts (ft. Allen)
So I’ve been thinking a lot about Kanda’s ‘proper chat’ that he wants to have with Allen.
I’m thinking it might end up going something like this: “You’re my friend. Don’t make me kill you.”
See, Kanda does indeed have friends, but he never talks about it. His brand of affection and encouragement pretty much amounts to bickering and sniping–he poked fun at Lenalee when he knew that she had been crying because she’ll forget to feel sad if she’s busy being pissed at him, he kicked/cursed Komui out to help him get it together during the Level 4 attack, he yells at people while simultaneously saving them, etc.
Anyways, I don’t think he’s ever outright called somebody his friend. I bet he didn’t even say that to Alma. Granted, it doesn’t mean he cares any less about his friends just because he doesn’t say it out loud. But. I bet when Alma died the first time, Kanda wished he would have said it at least once. Alma was always very open and friendly to Kanda, and maybe some part of Kanda worried that Alma never knew for certain that he felt the same way.
Allen’s a bit like Alma in the sense that he lets his friends know what they mean to him explicitly; he even called Kanda his friend out loud once back in the Ark (though technically it wasn’t to Kanda’s face). And for all their fighting, it goes both ways.
Now there’s a chance that Allen is going to get erased by the 14th. Allen promised it wouldn’t happen, but at this point, it’s not a sure thing. More than anyone, Kanda has accepted Allen’s wish to be destroyed if he can’t hold out–and it really is a great gesture of friendship, even if it’s hard to swallow, helping Allen preserve his agency by preventing someone else from using his body to do evil.
However you slice it, though, Kanda may well have to kill one of his friends. Again.
Maybe some part of him worries that Allen is gonna think, well, after all this time, looks like Kanda’s gonna get his wish of killing me after all. Good for him.
Maybe the thing that Kanda is so determined to tell Allen is that they’re friends, even if he’s never said so, even if they fight all the time. And Kanda, as his friend, will respect his wishes and kill him if he becomes the 14th–but he’s counting on Allen to win. Kanda doesn’t want to kill another person who’s important to him.
As for Allen, he might have a retort on the tip of his tongue–as if i’d let you kill me, or give me some credit, stupid–because that’s how their conversations are supposed to go. But I’m betting he’ll know that this time is different, so he’ll reply, “Thank-you, Kanda.”
(This is, of course, assuming that Allen isn’t gone already and that Kanda won’t be mistakenly telling all this to the 14th–who would probably laugh in his face. But let’s not think about that.)