i bet its gonna look shit

ocean man, take me by the hand lead me to the land,

anonymous asked:

does dan still have his glitter nail polish? i bet he does because that shit is so hard to take off

his nails are bare now but its cute to think about him packing nail polish and nail polish remover in his suitcase jus bcuz he knew he was gonna serve some looks

4

This was better in my head  

Joining the bandwagon of the Personality ah Swap au by @samijen​ 

Their meeting probably wouldn’t happen like this but I just wanted this to be more of a thing. Though with Ryan having Ray’s personality he’s likely joking but Ray doesn’t need to know that.

And Jack has probably left to make bets with the other dudes about when these guys are gonna hook up. 
Bonus hours later:

Fucking nerd

Yeol: *goes into jongin’s room*
Jongin: *hears door open* *mistakes yeol for soo* *gets out of the shower*
Jongin: “hey aren’t you being too rough these days? my hips still hurt you know! i’m supposed to dance like th-”
Yeol: ….
Jongin: …..
Soo: *comes in* *looks at naked nini* chanyeol….get out (“•♡•”)

and that is how nini got pregnant :)

sagatheturtlekid  asked:

Okay idk how you're gonna feel about this but could I get a BTS text when y'all are in a gang or some shit and they all have roles, and code names and it's be hella lit because we crazy as hell idk but it'd be lit

OK OK OK BUT LISTEN

This is…so amazing?? Just think about it:

  • Bangtan Sonyeondan- Bulletproof Boyscouts= Your local illegal arms smugglers/dealers. Need a pistol? We got you covered! Always wanted that automatic machine gun? Look no farther!
  • If illegal dealings could be listed on billboards, you bet your ass Jimin’s shining face would be saying “You need a weapon? I got you locked and loaded!”
  • Well known throughout Korea and select other places in the world, business trips go to the US, and parts of Europe and south-east Asia
  • Renowned for being very efficient, and professional, but on the other hand you’re also known for being…weird?
  • Like when messages are sent to confirm meetings, they get photos of those who will be participating, but its screen-caps from snapchat. so there’s hoseok with a puppy filter, and a picture of taehyung passed out in a noraebong with a sharpie marker mustache drawn on his face with the caption “go hard or go home”
  • To celebrate a big successful deal you all go out to karaoke and get blasted. yoongi twerks, jimin takes his shirt off, jin reminisces over when you all were sweet kids: the whole nine yards
  • Your old apartment building evicted all of you because you were constantly breaking the instituted quiet hours, and there was some incident involving taehyung peeing in the lobby’s ficus??
  • But you all found a new building where you all are some of the only tenants, and you try to see how much hell you can raise without the building supervisor calling you out on it.
  • (Side note: But your new building supervisor is The Sweetest Lady in the World. Brags about you all like you’re her own grandkids, brings you kimchi and other side dishes when she makes them, made sure you were all settled when you first moved in, even rode on the subway with you once when you had to go to the hospital cause you got a knife wound *cough* while cooking *COUGH* You guys got her flowers and a fruit basket for mother’s day and had dinner with her)
  • All of people who have burned you in the past will go back to their headquarters only to find it’s been completely sealed and is now housing a two foot deep fish pond, or bologna slices have been placed on their cars, or glitter has been sent through the air ducts
  • Jin- totally a half-hearted trying-his-best-with-what-he-can get medic. like on one hand he’s all like oh MY gOD YOU’RE BLEEDING, and on the other side he’s all what the fuck are you doing– stop that you idiot *smack*. Cooks for everybody cause if you’re going to be running across the city you need to eat more protein!! Has earned the title “J Momma” for a reason, cause if you need something he’s there to assist. Doesn’t like to do the dirty work, which at first through you off cause why?? is?? he?? here??? and everybody just says “wait for it”. SURE ENOUGH shit goes down, the pink rubber gloves come off, and Jin reigns mercy down
  • …with his fists
  • Our illustrious Leader Mon, Namjoon- the brains of the operation. Mainly does the desk work at this point, says he did enough running around when the company first started so you young fucks can do that shit now. He’s actually the one who got you your job with the group in the first place! …or, well…you bugged him until he let you in, and only with the requirement that they didn’t have to change their group name. Listed as “Mobster Mon” in your phone – y/n for the last time we are a legitimate business!
  • Jungkook- the resident muscle pig and fuckboi. Always there to help, but the least likely to want to do so. You want shit done, you better bring food cause he ain’t doing that for free. Has probably been talked to one or two (or five or twelve) times about helping you cause you’re a part of the team, and he gets that, he really does. However he also gets that when you’re angry your voice gets all squeaky and it sounds like you’re a cartoon.
  • Probably no one believes him so he keeps doing it in order to get a recording because- i swear jimin it sounds like y/n belongs on a children’s show singing some shit about your colors!!
  • Taehyung- Code name is V and he told you what it meant at one time, but it was long and complicated and you’re pretty sure you dozed off at one point during his story cause it was 3 AM and you guys were supposed to be installing cameras at the new drop sight?? but overall taehyung is one of the sweetest people you ever met and you’re not sure how he wound up here. From what you knew he was neighbors with yoongi, but the last time you asked he just giggled, pinched your cheek and walked away. Deals with all electronica: cameras, computers, equipment, wi-fi connections, PlayStations. You name it, he knows how to tear it apart and put it back together. He also got you a killer phone plan, so score
  • Hoseok- the renaissance man of the group. Hoseok takes up roles as the runner, navigator, mail carrier, armory assistant and lock-picker. A well-rounded individual with a sunny disposition. Owns the rare title of Bangtan’s armory assistant, being the only person yoongi can stand working in the same general vicinity for extended periods of time. You always call him for help when traveling cause he knows every nook and cranny in Seoul - your hope’s got you covered y/n~!
  • Yoongi- Honestly, though you all talk shit about him, yoongi is the reason y’all get paid. Works mainly by himself, sometimes with the assistance of hoseok, and does possibly the single most important job in this group: SORTS ALL YOUR SHIT. He’s the one cataloguing all the weapons you guys carry, updating clients, both old and prospective, and he’s the one who makes sure you have rounds for your own guns. So….get on his level
  • Jimin- the shining face of the company. Deals with all the ass-kissing and meeting with the ‘elite’ clients. Presents statistics and earnings to partners, but can’t organize for shit. Constantly panicking on the inside that he has the wrong packet, but you’re like- i already emailed you the right one, all you have to do is print it out. Gets to go on the majority of the business trips and does not hesitate to rub this fact in your face- hmm? sorry y/n. the connection here in santorini is kind of finicky
  • All in all, Bangtan gives you this amazing sense of family. And you wouldn’t trade the bickering with yoongi, the puns with hoseok, the final fantasy games with taehyung, the insane snapchat stories with jimin, the last-minute rushed reports with namjoon, the eating of lamb skewers on the curb with jungkook, or the quiet chats with jin while washing dishes for anything

Sorry if this isn’t what you were looking for, but I love the idea and just kind of went crazy with it!

There is a text series that goes with this and it can be found here!

imagine the other pilots knowing abt poe’s crush and acting like middle schoolers and telling finn things that go completely over his head like “so finn… we think you really turn poe on” and of course finn has never heard this expression before so he’s just like “… what?!” and knows he’s missing something aND POE JOLTS IN HORROR FROM BEHIND THEM WHERE HE WAS TRYING TO GET THEM TO SHUT UP AND RESCUES FINN AND PULLS HIM AWAY and finn is just so confused like “no wait what were they talking about?” aND ALL POE CAN MANAGE IS A NERVOUS SMILE AS HE TRIES TO ASSURE HIM ITS NOTHING AND THEN TURNS TO GLARE AT HIS SQUADRON WHO ARE BACK THERE DYING

my favorite fandom headcanon is how bakugou would wear his significant partner’s hero clothing merchandise. whether its a t-shit, sweater, or a baseball cap, you bet your arse he gonna wear it. its even better when he is like ‘oh i need go out better change into something real quick’ and puts it on like its some regular piece of clothing. its nothing special because he doesn’t see it as merch or trying to be cute for his partner. to him its like ‘its a shirt, its clean, its nearby, im gonna wear it’ kinda way. 

someone might mock him like ‘look at you wearing [insert name]’s merch. not only are you guys dating, but your their fanboy too? aaaaww” and he doesn’t even get mad. he just look at them stupid like ‘what? should i have left the house naked? stfu’ 

 i have seen art and read fics with this headcanons for so many different ships and im so grateful. don’t let this headcanon die. keep it up, fam. cause sure as hell im gonna keep it in my writing/rping. damn good headcanon. the purest katsuki headcanon. 

A 10-step thought process

1. Oh boy I bet this ship I somehow started liking is unpopular, but I don’t want to look it up to find out. 
2. Ugh fic ideas hitting me like a tsunami. 
3. If I write these, people may give me shit about it. 
4. OMG what are you thinking? Just do it anyway! Someone out there is gonna look this up one day and be glad that one other person had the same idea and it’s gonna make their day! 
5. (Lol I mean, not that much because it’s not like you’re a great writer anyway haha) 
6. Watch it not be that niche after all and I’m fixating for no reason. 
7. Still don’t wanna look it up though. 
8. Why you gotta have weird ships all the time? And the fact that you’d have to look it up, meaning you haven’t seen it yet, proves it’s a weird ship. 
9. Oh my god, shut up, shut up! Who CARES if it’s weird? Who CARES about anything? Just write the damn fic! 
10. lol executive dysfunction though I think I’ll just sit here instead 

DO YOU STILL WANT T'CHALLA/SAM CAUSE I HAVE SOME HC JUST 4 U

  • t'challa’s room gets progressively messier and messier - once sam moves into his suite, the bedroom ends up t r a s h e d within, like, 6 minutes probably
  • t'challa isn’t irritated, so much as amused.  growing up reasonably wealthy, he has that easy mentality of throwing out the old and embracing the new.  expensive minimalist furniture with sleek edges and sheets/duna covers folded sharp enough to cut steak
  • sam is … are you kidding.  sam grew up with (and i haven’t read the comics, but hypothetically) lots of siblings and H O A R D S   E V E R Y T H I N G, like no food or anything, everything is clean and mostly dust free, but HOLY SHIT sam has books, several devices (“see, this iphone has all my music, but the sim card is trashed, so i have to use my other iphone to call people.  i also kept my old ipod because its six years old and still going strong and i have a bet with clint on how long it’s gonna last”), jewelry (sam would look F U C K I N G   I C R E D I B L E in the right earrings), his own fucking merchandise (and some of t'challas as well, with others from teamcap + natasha) oh my god, every surface is just filled with sam’s stuff, especially CLOTHES that are draped on every.  single.  piece. of.  furniture.  t'challa’s desk, his chair, around his wardrobe, all over the bed and covering the entire floor space like 
  • t'challa walks in one day, grinning softly & affectionately at sam, who is putting together an outfit from the floor, and doesn’t say anything.  he appreciates the organised mess bc sam knows where everything is.  burgundy scarf?  wardrobe floor.  those creamy chinos?  back of the desk chair.
  • sam gets called away on his first op (as the new Captain America?  i wouldn’t mind if steve&bucky ended up on a farm like clint, just living the life.  making out.  chilllin) since they were together, and spends 3 days overseas.  t'challa thinks that maybe he’ll miss his new lover, but the scent of sam is ALL OVER HIS ROOM and it t'challa sleeps with a pillow, covered in one of sam’s sweaters.  sometimes the cleaning crew (or equivalent) come in and offer to clean up the mess, but t'challa just grins and shakes his head.
  • sam comes back, expecting the room to be cleared - all clothes in the closet and perhaps some new shelves to store his books, devices, souvenirs etc., but he walks in and everything is where he left it - the turtleneck is still covering the lamp, his socks are still hanging on the bamboo shoots, his sneakers are stillin the bathroom, and t'challa is sitting on the bed, wearing two of his jumpers with the blankets pulled around him
  • sam smiles softly and mumbles “hey” and t'challa goes “missed you samuel”
  • sam blushes and crawls over, laying a gentle kiss on t'challas cheek, sayin “i’m here now” and the king of wakanda grins with all his teeth.
  • “by the way i’m not wearing anything under these jumpers” “sshit”
Forbidden Documentary Footage Released
  • [NOTE]: Recording has been partially edited by unknown parties.
  • Recording begins. Title is shown, "Retail Hell".
  • [NOTE]: "Retail Hell" is an episodic series of documentaries with traceable origins described as "punks dissecting wageslavery." At least five episodes were released alongside an independently published magazine dedicated to skateboarding culture. Each episode has a different host(s) who attempt to interview workers at retail chains. Hosts often vandalize storefronts and harass workers while filming.
  • Recording begins with Host and Co-Host standing beside each other in a Target parking lot.
  • Host: You already know who the fuck I am.
  • Co-Host: And I'm Helen.
  • [NOTE]: Co-Host is wearing a gas mask.
  • Host: Mark's on the camera. All together, we're the Chain Gang. Welcome to Retail Hell.
  • Cameraman: Okay, that was good. The fuck do you mean by, "you already know who I am," though? Also, the what the hell is the "Chain Gang"?
  • Host: Everyone who matters knows me, dude. I-
  • Recording cuts to Host and Co-Host skateboarding. Cameraman can be seen in some shots, but doesn’t join them. Footage from a skate park is edited in. Skateboarding footage lasts three minutes.
  • Recording cuts to footage taken from inside of Target. Host and Co-Host are in store's toy section examining products.
  • Host: Fucking Barbie.
  • Host removes a packaged Barbie brand doll from its shelf.
  • [NOTE]: Barbie doll does not resemble any known versions ever publicly released. Its notable features are its green hair, pink skin, and purple dress.
  • Host: Come here. Look at this. Made in China.
  • Host shows bottom of package to camera. Camera zooms in on "Made in China" label.
  • Host: That's how you know your shit is bad. 100% cruelty. Do you know how the Chinese government treats their own citizens? This is sweatshop garbage, and they just shill this shit out at places like this. It's bad for you too. Probably got fucking lead in it, or something. Radioactive, or something. My mom used to buy me barbies and shit as kid. Like, I fucking hated Barbie I didn't play with them, but I was still, like, exposed. That's why I've got a third arm.
  • Cameraman: You have three arms?
  • Host: It's on my ass. No one's allowed to look at my ass so no one's ever seen it. They're going to have to recall Barbie cuz kids all over the USA start growing ass arms. No, you know what they'd do. They'd normalize it cuz that's how business works. You'll start seeing "Ass-Arm Barbie". Hey kids, it's okay that you've got an arm on your ass. Barbie does too. Hey kids, you're a mutant freak because we spray down our toys with arsenic and all the food you eat is GMOs, but it's cool. Just buy our shit or you'll look like a bigger freak than you already are.
  • Cacophony of recorded voices and songs are heard. Camera turns to Co-Host who has activated a large number of toys. Host laughs.
  • Host: Holy shit! What the fuck are you doing?
  • Recording cuts to Co-Host holding small skateboard.
  • Co-Host: It's a baby board. I was born with one of these. They had to cut an umbilical cord from each piece of hardware. The doctors didn't know what was going on. I did, but only because I'm really smart. I was only about two years old when I was born.
  • Cameraman: The fuck are you even trying to say?
  • Recording cuts to Co-Host preparing to skate down an aisle on the small skateboard.
  • Co-Host: Skate or die!
  • Co-Host skates down the aisle and knocks products off of the shelves along the way. Co-Host barely avoids hitting a customer, but falls off of her skateboard at the end of the aisle.
  • Recording cuts to Host, Co-Host, and Cameraman getting into conflict with a security guard.
  • Security: Stop filming.
  • Security attempts to grab the camera.
  • Cameraman: Don't touch my fucking property, dude.
  • Security: You need to leave now.
  • Host: We're just trying to buy a skateboard, man.
  • Security attempts to grab the camera again.
  • Cameraman: Stay the fuck away, dude.
  • Security: Leave now. We're calling the police.
  • Cameraman: You're a fake fucking cop! Don't touch me!
  • Co-Host: We were all born with no purpose! Live fast! Die Fast!
  • Co-Host rides her skateboard into a display.
  • Host: Holy fucking shit!
  • Recording cuts to Host outside interviewing a Target employee.
  • Host: How do you like your job?
  • Employee: It's a job.
  • Host: Do you get paid well?
  • Employee: Hell no. Why does she have that mask on?
  • Host: Ever wish you could do something else?
  • Employee: What is this for? Is this gonna be on TV or something.
  • Host: It's a student project.
  • Employee: Alright.
  • Host: You know, your security guy is kind of an asshole.
  • Employee: I don't know anything about him. I just work the registers.
  • Host: You know I got an arm on my ass?
  • Employee: What?
  • Recording cuts to young child speaking to Co-Host.
  • Child: Why are you wearing that mask?
  • Co-Host: Because I have to.
  • Child: You don't have to.
  • Co-Host: I do.
  • Child: Can I wear it?
  • Co-Host: No.
  • Child: What happens if you take off the mask?
  • Co-Host: I'm allergic to air, so I'll die.
  • Child: I think you should take it off anyway.
  • Recording cuts to Host and Co-Host in line at a fast food restaurant.
  • Cashier: What can I get for you today?
  • Host: I'd like one McKiss please.
  • Cashier: Excuse me? A McKiss?
  • Host: Yes.
  • Cashier: Uhh, that's not something we have on our menu.
  • Host: Seriously? Let me show you.
  • Host embraces Co-Host who removes her mask. Host and Co-Host proceed to kiss passionately. Camera zooms in on cashier who looks confused.
  • Recording cuts to a plain white room. Camera turns to a door opening into a hallway. Co-Host shambles past door. Camera follows behind her. Co-Host walks up to a CRT television at the end of the hallway. CRT television only displays static. Co-Host kneels in front of the television and rubs her hand across the monitor, spreading blood across it.
  • Recording cuts to half an episode of the Flintstones. Any scenes indicating strife, negative emotions, or violence have been censored. Episode lasts ten minutes.
  • Recording cuts to Host and Co-Host standing in front of a chained door. Co-Host is carrying a large strapping cutter.
  • Host: This is going to be a first in Retail Hell history. I call it, Retail Hell: Deep Cover. We're gonna sneak inside. We might see some fucked up shit. I don't know. We're definitely gonna break some stuff. Hel, you got this.
  • Co-Host attempts to cut the chains with the strapping cutter.
  • Co-Host: This is impossible.
  • Host: Put all your weight into it.
  • Co-Host: I am.
  • Host: No, like all your weight.
  • Co-Host: I don't weigh that much.
  • Cameraman: I don't think that's the right tool.
  • Host: You're not doing it right. Let me show you.
  • Host now attempts to cut the chains.
  • Host: Fuck, this is harder than it looks.
  • Cameraman: Do you guys even hear me? I'm 90% sure that's not what they use to cut chains.
  • Recording cuts to Cameraman smoking alone in a bedroom. Unknown female enters the shot and the footage ends.
  • Recording cuts to Host and Co-Host within the backroom of a retail chain, presumably Target. Host is snapping a bolt cutter in front of the camera.
  • Host: These are the scissors of the gods!
  • Cameraman: Please be careful with those.
  • Host: This is it. This is the belly of the beast. This is the womb of capitalism... maybe not the womb, but this is where all the shit you buy goes before they put it outside on display.
  • Host picks up a box and drops it on the ground. The sound of glass breaking is heard.
  • Host: No fucking clue what was inside of that.
  • Recording cuts to Co-Host climbing backroom shelving.
  • Host: You won't do it.
  • Cameraman: This is a really stupid fucking idea.
  • Co-Host does a backflip off of the shelving and into a stack of boxes. Recording freezes before impact.
  • Recording cuts to Host and Co-Host exploring store. Store is partially dark. Camera's flashlight is on.
  • Cameraman: Why does it smell like wires burning in here?
  • Host lights a cigarette and begins to smoke it.
  • Host: Did you get me lighting that? Looked badass as fuck, I bet.
  • Cameraman: There's nothing cool about lighting a cigarette.
  • Host: Whatever. Gonna do, like, a soliloquy. Don't stop recording.
  • Cameraman: I'm not stopping any time soon, Ms. Director.
  • Host: Okay, uhh... this store is like a fortress of exploitation. A monument to fruitless capitalism where underpaid workers are treated like shit by corporate suits and customers alike. It's... uhh... fuck.
  • Cameraman: Can't think of anything deep to say?
  • Host: Chev made it look so easy in his episode. Like, he said some real profound shit and dropped the best skate video I've ever seen at the end.
  • Cameraman: You can talk about having an arm on your ass again. That was the high point of this video so far.
  • Host: Fuck you.
  • Host blows smoke into the camera.
  • Host: Where the hell did Hel go?
  • Cameraman: I don't know.
  • Host: Like, when was the last time we even saw her?
  • Cameraman: Don't remember.
  • [NOTE]: Co-Host is seen standing next to Host throughout this entire section of the recording.
  • Recording cuts to Host and Co-Host standing in front of a PA speaker that is leaking a clear, viscous fluid. The PA speaker emits sounds that resemble gurgling and coughing.
  • Host: Don't even know what to say about this shit. Sounds like my granddad dying or something. It's leaking. There's like a flood of this gross ass goo on the floor. It's like drool.
  • Cameraman: Touch it.
  • Host: I'm not touching that stuff. I don't touch shit if I think I'll regret it later.
  • Cameraman: You touched Lenny's dick.
  • Host: Fuck you.
  • PA speaker emits a loud screeching sound and wads of liquid shoot from it.
  • Host: The fuck?
  • Cameraman: Jesus Christ!
  • Clumps of a yellow, semi-solid substance begins to drip from the speaker. Co-Host removes her gas mask and plants herself face first against the wall under the speaker. Co-Host allows herself to be covered in the liquid and the yellow substance.
  • Host: This is the weirdest shit I've ever seen. Get up close, man. Look at this stuff.
  • Cameraman moves closer and zooms in on the substance in Co-Host's hair. Substance seems to be crawling and pulsating. Host, and Cameraman don't seem to perceive the presence of Co-Host. Co-Host rubs the yellow substance into her hair.
  • Recording cuts to blank footage. Audio is still available. Host and Cameraman are heard speaking. Sounds of other individuals are present, as well as the sound of fire crackling.
  • Cameraman: And it's completely fucked!
  • Host: So is he still dating her?
  • Cameraman: Yes, of course. Like, he's fucking desperate. He'll date any girl who gives him attention. It doesn't matter if she acts like a fucking werewolf. He's hopeless, and I'm tired of helping him.
  • Host: I feel you, though. Like, dude, even if this wasn't like his 90th time being in some shit I wouldn't help him. Dude blamed that fucked up shit on someone's dog. They're probably gonna put it down. That's fucked. That's an innocent animal. That's someone's family as far as I'm concerned. Fuck him. You gonna tell the cops or something?
  • Cameraman: Nah. I'm hoping his girlfriend just butchers him like she did that to that cat. For real, though. I don't mess with cops or feds.
  • Host: I feel you.
  • [NOTE]: □□□□□□□
  • Recording cuts to Cameraman sitting at a desk in a plain white room. Cameraman seems be unconscious, and is drooling onto his clothes. A purple carpet like substance is growing from his face. A plastic arm appears from out of the view of the camera and taps the Cameraman until he awakens. The Cameraman proceeds to vomit clumps of wires and coiled metal. Cameraman speaks, but his voice is dubbed over by a woman's voice with a slight southern accent. Cameraman seems to fade in and out of consciousness for the duration of the footage. Cameraman occasionally drools blood from his mouth.
  • Cameraman: Hello, my name is Mark. I'm a kid just like you. I love to play outside, I love learning and growing bigger everyday, but most of all I love my mommy. I like to paint. Watch me paint.
  • Plastic arms appears from out of the view of the camera, one with a green Sharpie brand marker and the other with a piece of paper. The piece of paper is placed onto the desk, and the plastic arm draws on it. Once the drawing is finished, the plastic arm lifts the paper and shows it to the camera. Drawing consists of green scribbles.
  • Cameraman: These are the big green hills where I live. Where do you live?
  • Recording is silent for thirty seconds, Cameraman seems to continue speaking however. Cameraman falls from his chair.
  • Cameraman: That sounds fun. I wish I lived there too. I like the snow. Let me show you what the big green hills look like after it snows.
  • The plastic arm moves off screen and returns with a bottle of milk which it pours onto the drawing. The hand shows the soaked drawing to the camera.
  • Cameraman: This is what the big green hills look like after it snows. Aren't they pretty? I like the snow, so I make sure to bring it with me wherever I go. Maybe, one day I will come to your town.
  • Recording cuts to the previous footage of the conflict with the security guard. Footage is dubbed over by a woman's voice with a slight southern accent. The dubber does differentiate the voices of subjects. The Host speaks in a higher pitched "girly" voice, the security guard speaks in a deeper voice, and the Cameraman speaks in the dubber's plain voice.
  • Security: I like your Camera. Let me see it.
  • Cameraman: You must ask before you can play with my camera.
  • Security: Can I play with your camera?
  • Host: Mark, please let our new friend play with your camera.
  • Cameraman: I shan't let him play with my camera. I am a bad boy, and I don't like to share.
  • Security: I'm telling my mommy and you will be in bad trouble.
  • Cameraman: Don't fucking touch me... I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I said a bad word.
  • Recording freezes once Co-Host enters the shot.
  • Recording cuts to blank footage. Audio is still available. Co-Host is heard being interrogated by an unknown individual who will be referred to as Unknown. Unknown either uses a speech synthesizer to speak or a has a natural speaking voice that sounds similar to a speech synthesizer.
  • Unknown: Why? Why? You lie.
  • Co-Host: Please, let me go.
  • Unknown: You breathe. Why lie?
  • Co-Host: Please.
  • Unknown: No. No. You lie.
  • Co-Host: I don't know what you're talking about. Please. I'm so sorry. I just want to go home.
  • Unknown: You lie. Him. You breathe. No mask. You breathe.
  • Co-Host begins to sob.
  • Unknown: Why cry? No cry. You bad. You wrong. Lie. Lie. Why lie? Why lie when breathe? No mask. No. No. You lie. Lie to boy. No.
  • Unknown's voice morphs into that of the child spoken to earlier in the recording.
  • Unknown: Why did you lie to him, bad girl. You're a big liar. You're a bad girl. Mommy's upset.
  • Recording cuts to footage of Cameraman engaging in sexual intercourse with an unknown female. Audio has been dubbed over by Unknown who repeats the statements, "no", "bad", and "don't look" throughout the entire thirty minutes of footage.
  • Recording cuts to footage of Host and Cameraman in conflict with an unknown entity. Recording has been dubbed over and replaced by dialogue spoken by a woman's voice with a slight southern accent. Unknown entity is humanoid in shape with a balloon-like head, a neon green plastic-like substance dangling from its head, and hot pink skin. Aside from large eyes drawn in "Anime" style on its face, it lacks any facial features. The entity wears a purple dress.
  • Host: Look, it's mommy.
  • Host is covered in blood and wielding an ax. Panicked, she points at the entity which is quickly pushing a shopping car full of toys towards the her and the Cameraman. Host jumps out of the way. Cameraman attempts to jump out of the way, but is hit by the shopping cart. The camera is dropped, but the unknown entity can be seen climbing on top of the Cameraman and sticking its arm into his mouth.
  • Cameraman: No, not my favorite camera. If I would have shared it this would have never happened. Now mommy is angry at me.
  • Host: Don't worry, Mark. I will save you.
  • Host hits the entity several times on its back with the ax. The entity bleeds a yellow and pink substance. Camerman crawls from under the entity, gets up, and stomps the entity's head.
  • Host: Ouch, hurting mommy hurts me.
  • Cameraman: Owie, it hurts me too!
  • Host: I think we both learned today not to hurt mommy. Hurting her hurts me more than it does her.
  • Cameraman: I don't know what that means, but I agree.
  • Host and Cameraman continue to attack the entity for the duration of the footage.
  • Recording cuts to footage of Host lying face down on the floor of a plain white room. A mannequin wearing the Co-Host's gas mask stands beside her. Bolt cutters are jammed into the mannequin's torso. An episode of the Flintstones can be heard playing in the background. Host raises her head to the camera. Her face is similar to the unknown entity's. Her head pops off and floats to the ceiling like a balloon.
  • Recording cuts to footage of a bonfire party. Host, Co-Host, and Cameraman are present and take part in different activities. A large number of unknown individuals are present as well. Audio of footage has been dubbed over by a woman's voice with a slight southern accent. Audio is significantly distorted. It is impossible to make out any words spoken.
  • [NOTE]: Co-Host does not have her gas mask in this footage.
  • [NOTE]: Audio is perfectly audible. It's just that mommy is speaking directly to me and you're not allowed to hear her.
  • Recording cuts to Co-Host stabbing the palm of her hand repeatedly with a butcher knife. Footage is in night vision and is taken in a wooded area.
  • Cameraman: You're a real fucking freak.
  • Co-Host: I know.
  • Recording cuts to Host and Co-Host sitting next to each other as they watch a bonfire burn.
  • Host: Hel, I love you.
  • It begins to snow heavily. Recording ends.
  • Recording was discovered by a user named, FriendlyHelper000, who posted a thread on the Runescape forums entitled, "This Is Why Liberalism Has Failed", which included links to the recording. Thread was quickly deleted and the user was banned. The publisher of the magazine which Retail Hell was distributed alongside claims to have no knowledge of the individuals in the recording.
  • Thank you for reading.
bts as shit ive heard at school pt 3
  • jungkook: why r u slapping me just like my parents
  • taehyung: psa to everyone dont leave a banana in ur backpack, for a while
  • jimin: your collarbones look pretty good in that shirt. they would look better in my ass
  • namjoon: save the laughter. its about to turn into ashes in ur mouth
  • hoseok: i bet everyone's so tired because they stayed up writing their ANALS
  • yoongi: *watching a movie in class and a man starts a fire* thats what im gonna fucking do to u sam if u dont get a haircut
  • jin: dont take this personally but u suck at that
PEANUT SOUP

ALRIGHT MOTHERFUCKERS, BUCKLE UP.

Y’ALL WANT SOME EASY AS PISS FOOD THAT MAKES YOU LOOK LIKE A CULTURED FART? YEAH?? GOOD. CAUSE I GOT THE RECIPE FOR YOU.

ALRIGHT KIDDOS, HERE’S THE STUFF WE’RE GONNA NEED:

  • 6 CUPS OF YOUR FAVOURITE BROTH. DO I CARE WHAT IT IS? NO. CAUSE THIS DINNER’S FOR YOUR FABULOUS ASS.
  • 1 ONION
  • BUNCHA GREENS
  • GARLIC
  • CHUNKY PEANUT BUTTER? IN A SOUP? YOU BET YOUR SWEET ASS
  • TOMATO PASTE [HINT HINT, I CHEATED AND GOT THE ITALIAN ONE CAUSE I DIDN’T WANT TO SEASON FURTHER]
  • YOUR FAVOURITE HOT SAUCE. OR GO WITHOUT IT. THIS SHITS FOR YOU.
  • GINGER IF YOU WANNA KICK IT UP A NOTCH 

STEPS.

  • BOIL THE FUCK OUTTA THAT BROTH. NONE OF THIS LOOK ITS HOT NONSENSE, I WANNA SEE BUBBLES GOING. WHILE THAT SHITS ON THE BURNER, YOU, YOU DEVINE MOTHERFUCKER, ARE GONNA CHOP UP YOUR ONIONS, GINGER [IF YOU WANT] AND GARLIC. HOW BIG YOU ASK? HOWEVER BIG YOU WANT. 

  • WHEN THAT SHIT STARTS A’BUBBLIN’ YOU’RE GONNA PUT IN THOSE DELICIOUS TIDBITS YOU JUST CHOPPED UP. LOWER THE HEAT, LET IT DO ITS THANG

  • GET OUT A BOWL THAT CAN HANDLE THE DELICIOUS HOT LIQUIDS YOU’RE COOKIN UP, NONE OF THAT WEAK STUFF, I WANT YOUR ASS TO BE SAFE. IN SAID BOWL START SPOONING YOUR PB AND TOMATO PASTE. * I USED ABOUT TWO GIANT HEAPING SPOONFULS OF PB AND HALF A CAN OF TOMATO PASTE, BUT HEY, THAT’S JUST ME.* WHEN THAT HOT DELICIOUS LIQUIDS BOILIN AND YOUR YUMMY THINGS IN IT ARE NICE AND SOFT, I WANT YOU TO SPOON SOME [LIKE A CUP OR SMTH] OF THAT SWEET SWEET NECTAR INTO YOUR BOWL. WISK THAT SHIT UP. 

  • IF YOU MOFOS ARE THE DAREDEVILS I’VE COME TO KNOW AND LOVE, YOU CAN ADD A GOOD HIT OR TWO OF HOT SAUCE RIGHT NOW. 

  • POUR YOUR THAT GOODNESS IN A BOWL BACK INTO THE POT. NOW WHAT?? NOW YOU SHOW THOSE GREENS WHOS BOSS AND TEAR THEM UP. TOSS THEIR PLANT CORPSES IN THERE. THAT’LL SHOW ‘EM.

  • EAT THE FUCK OUTTA YOUR MASTERPIECE. LOOKIT YOU COOKING AND BEING A FUCKIN’ BABE. GO GET ‘EM TIGER

I ATE MINE WITH CRACKERS, BUT YOU CAN BET THIS STUFF TASTES GREAT ON RICE.

KEEP ON KICKIN’ ASS YOU WONDERFUL PEOPLE

imagine Changkyun sending you a selfie and texting you about how much he misses you.

“Jagiya, look how cute I am! I bet you miss me, don’t you? Ah, but probably not as much as I miss you :)”