i bet it was a pig

Tonight’s KM Highlights:

  • Jimin cracked open a walnut with his hands and asked if JK could do the same.
  • “And I said: Of course I can.” - JJK, Muscle Pig
  • So, Jimin came up with the Bet: Jungkook must record a video of him breaking open a walnut with his bare hands on his first try. If he can’t, he owes Jimin a meal. If he can, Jimin owes him a meal.
  • Either way, Kookmin are going on a date.
  • Jimin came into Jungkook’s room to complain about the noise even though apparently his room is quite a bit away from JK’s.
  • Jungkook’s Revenge
  • “You can hear it? So you’re saying you can hear it. Huh. You think I’m going to lose? I’m going to make you come back again.” - JJK, speaking in banmal, total Dom Mode.
  • Used Lie as bait.
  • Got visibly deflated when Jimin didn’t take the bait.
  • “He’s not coming? He’s not coming… “
  • Got visibly happy when Jimin took the bait. 
  • Jimin ran so fast he tripped on the way over.
  • Jimin was shy about being seen without his make-up on so he wanted to be in the back. To which JK said: “Ssaengeol Minam Jiminie-hyung!” (Barefaced handsome manㅜ)
  • JK wanted Jimin to do a live of Lie.
  • Player 3 enters (Tae)
  • “What is this? Why is e-everybody coming in??! WHY??” - Jungkook, 21, tired of being cockblocked in his own hotel room.
  • JM: “I’m not much of a gamer so I can’t do it.”
  • JK: “That’s right, Jiminie-hyung’s bad at games.”
  • JM: “That’s not true~”
  • ????? 
  • Then they shared that look.

I saw Zootopia last night and as I drove home all I could think about was how the hell the police investigated crime that took place in habitats designed for smaller animals.

Like their smallest recruit literally towers over the citizens of the rodent habitat.  What the fuck is a polar bear going to do if a vole gets murdered?  Forget all of the fine tools needed to dust for prints, does the poor grieving widow vole now have to deal with being homeless because the only way the ZPD could photograph the crime scene was to literally rip her roof off? 

I bet you that’s why the mafia is a literal rat pack and a shrew is the most feared crime boss in town.  Who else is going to protect your gaggle of little adorable hamster children when your businesshamster husband gets caught cooking the books to try and pay off his hamster gambling debt and some guinea pig bookie comes to literally shake your family down for the cash?  

anonymous asked:

Modern AU but instead of a dog, Rover is a tiny micropig!!!! :D

an excellent concept. i apologize for how i’m about to ruin it.

  • [keith and pidge sneaking onto a farm for their supernatural-hunting youtube channel]
    keith: what was that noise??
    pidge: !! i bet it’s an alien!!
    tiny pig: [shuffles out from behind a bag] :0)
    keith: damn, false alarm. let’s– pidge, no.
    pidge: [shoving the pig into her messenger bag and opening a bag of chips for it] their name is rover and they’re my new best friend
    • i’m aware that micropigs probably aren’t found on farms, but listen. pidge straight-up stealing rover is an important part of their relationship.
  • matt: katie, what on earth were you thinking?? there’s no way mom is going to let you keep a pig!! that you stole!!
    pidge: ok but dad totally will
    matt: …goddammit. you’re absolutely right. he will.
    • mama holt: don’t be ridiculous, katie. you’re returning that right now.
      pidge: [turns to dad with a sad puppy face]
      dad holt: …now hold on one second, colleen, maybe we should think about this.
    • she gets to keep it
  • [at school]
    hunk: hey, what did you guys do this weekend?
    pidge: trespassed on private property to search for aliens
    lance: oh, so the usual then
    keith: pidge stole a pig
    hunk: you what??
    rover: [peeks out of pidge’s bag] :0)
    hunk: !!!!!
    lance: oh my gosh, hi little buddy!!
    keith: you brought it to school with you?? pidge!!
    hunk: [petting rover furiously] let her live, keith
    lance: [feeding rover his breakfast] yeah keith, back off
  • teacher: katie, where is your homework?
    pidge: my pig ate it
    teacher: you get brownie points for originality, but–
    pidge: [holding up rover, currently chewing on her worksheet] maam i’m serious
    • teacher: …katharyn, you cannot have that in here
      pidge: it’s my seeing-eye pig?
      teacher: please go to the principal’s office
  • [allura’s birthday party]
    lance: [leaving the kitchen with coran] oh man, this is gonna be great
    tiny pig: [passes by]
    lance: oh, hey rover
    lance: wait…where’s pidge?
    • he runs back into the kitchen, but the birthday cake is gone, and so is the mysterious pig
    • hunk and coran have to make a new one
    • lance sulks for a while because he worked really hard on decorating the cake. keith has to hug him to cheer him up.
  • teacher: i finished grading your tests, and all of you did terribly.
    lance: so that means there’s a curve, right?
    teacher: no.
    lance: ???
    teacher: i haven’t entered the scores into the gradebook yet, so i’ll hand them back briefly, but you won’t…
    teacher: …
    pidge: is everything alright, mr. haxus?
    teacher: [lifts up rover and the remaining scraps of the tests] katharyn holt, take your pig to the office for the rest of the day. if you bring it in one more time, you will get a suspension.
    lance: [whispering as she passes] the sacrifices you two have made will be remembered for generations to come
I Need Yurio to Narrate an Episode

Hello I guess. I’m Yuri Plisetsky record breaking gold winning ice skater at age 15. The YOUNGEST EVER.

I have a fan club called the Yuri Angels I bet none of you have one.

That’s Viktor he thinks he’s so great. There’s the pig ugh can’t they keep their hands off eachother for ONCE???

That’s Mila she’s and old pain but I tolerate her I guess.


There’s Bek- Otabek Altin, he’s my best friend…SHUT UP MILA WE ARE NOT DATING. Anyway B- Otabek is cool, he likes my cat so that automatically puts him over everyone else.

The enneagram as complete fucking hilarious quotes from patients in mental hospital :)))

(you may reblog this tho i rlly don’t know why you would do that lol)

E1: “I’m also here because I have OCD you know, the disorder where everything has to be symmetrical haha”
(Note: the person doesn’t have ocd)

E2: “I care so much about my abuser I mean he molested me but I love him so much he did nothing wrong it was all my fault i’m sorry”

E3: “I’m rich i don’t deserve any of this”

E4: “ugH i have it worse than all of you since I have depression AND anxiety!”
(note: she said that in front of 3 people with an eating disorder and one guy with schizophrenia)

E5: “I think I might be??too smart for my therapist???”
(Note: he’s not)

Ep6: “I’m really scared of guinea pigs but then again I’m scared of everything including myself. I think i might have a problem.”

Ecp6: “I’ve got anger issues too but here are some calming crystals they helped me a lot I’m chill now”

E7: “I solve all my problems with drugs hahah”

E8: “the food here is so horrible i bet it has more chemicals in it than Madonna’s face but on the good side, if you eat it and you grow up you will never look older than 13 i swear”

E9: “I really don’t want to be offensive please tell me if i hurt your feelings but you all fucking suck and deserve to die especially you Stan”

2 | Save Me

word count: 3,405 
i’m sorry

warnings: violence, gore probably smut at some point I mean it’s me we’re talking about, dead bodies etc

Originally posted by annabartollo

masterlist | ask | prev | next

“You’d better take her back to headquarters, Namjoon will want to know why she’s still alive." 

"You can stop pretending to be asleep now.” Jungkook whispered as he started the car engine, “Taehyung can’t see us through the blackout windows.” His comment was everything but comforting, you were awkwardly sprawled across the back seat of a car without blacked out windows, about to be taken to some kind of headquarters where you would no doubt be killed. 

“Who are you? What do you want with me? Are you going to kill me?” Your voice wobbled as you sat up in the car so you could watch the city lights zoom past you, the memory of Jungkook killing a man still playing in your mind, 

“If I wanted you dead I would have killed you by now.” His voice was stern and flat, emotionless. 

“You murd-" 

"I’ll explain everything in time. Which way is your apartment?" 

"I’m not telling you where I live! Are you crazy?! You just shot a guy in the face! I- I thought we were going to-" 

"Don’t underestimate me and just tell me what I want to know. How do I get to your apartment?" 


"I could always pull the car over and break your fingers until one of them points me in the right direction." 

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Properly Acquainted

AKA Will and Hannibal flirt and shamelessly dry-hump in a Halloween store. I’m… almost sorry for this?

This is the first of my giveaway fics, for @captainwingdings, who placed second and requested a fic based on a dream they had:

Young Will encounters Med student Hannibal at a halloween store. I had a dream last night where Will (age 20 in this) was visiting family (or his cousins, just pretend he has them) during Halloween time, and he goes with his little cousins (like age 17 or so, so not that little) to a massive Halloween store. Cue slightly older (Med student?) Hannibal. Because what better time to kill some pigs than when everyone is setting out gory decorations? So basically Hannibal takes a liking to Will and kinda follows him around the shop because Will knows all these bloody facts and keeps telling his cousins. Hannibal is automatically smitten, of course, and goes out of his way to talk to Will and press his body up against his in the tiny aisles.

I took some liberties with plot, but hopefully the spirit of the dream is still there!

Also on Ao3 here.

“I want that big axe! I bet you could cut someone’s hand off with an axe like that!”

Will found himself at the local party outlet, babysitting his niece Abigail for the afternoon. Halloween was coming up, and Uncle Will, a criminal justice student at the local community college, was the ideal choice to help pick out the most gruesome costume.

“Well, um. The axe would be a particularly bad choice for any kind of close-range combat.”

“Close… what?”

“Look, you want to be a scary killer, right?”

“Well yeah. Duh.”

“So, you need an effective weapon. The axe isn’t going to do you much good in a fight. You’re really only going to want it for hacking at things from about arm’s length.”

They were currently in an aisle full of plastic fake weapons, the kind you could carry around spattered with fake blood and spook out all the little kids in the neighborhood – every ten-year-old’s dream.

“Yeah but it’s so BIG! I want that one.”

“How about you try the Bowie knife, that’ll be the most effective.”

“But a knife isn’t as scary as an axe.” 

“But it’s… look, if it were up to me, I’d rather fight someone who had an axe than a Bowie knife. You can see an axe coming and get out of the way pretty quickly. A knife sneaks up on you. And look at the curve on the end – that’s gonna rip out all your guts.”

“Yeah, but the axe is like… so big. I want the axe.” Her well-honed pout gave her the air of a mistreated Bassett Hound, a face that she knew from years of experience was Uncle Will’s kryptonite.

“… fine. We’ll get the axe. But you have to let me mix your fake blood for you, the stuff they sell at these stores doesn’t even congeal right.”

“Uncle Will, you’re so weird.”

“Do you want this costume to be accurate or not?”

“I want to be scary.”

“Accurate is scarier than anything you could come up with, I promise you.”

“Pardon me for overhearing, but I’d have to recommend the butcher knife over the Bowie, if we’re talking close combat. Specifically the Japanese yanagi ba, traditionally used for sashimi.”

“Excuse me?” Will noticed for the first time the man standing to their left in the aisle, perusing a set of generic teen-murder-movie hockey masks. The tall, gorgeous, very well dressed, mysteriously-accented man to their left. Will realized he was gawking and snapped his mouth shut, hoping the man hadn’t noticed.

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Quest for Camelot prompts

“You’re mad.”

 “I’m *so* glad you noticed. I’ve been working at it for years.”

“Well, at least things can’t get any worse!”

 “Wanna bet?”

“ I embrace what others fear”

“ You are not to roam in this forgotten place.”

“ Just the likes of me are welcome here”

“ I was in the neighborhood, and I thought I’d invade.”  

“ How about a kiss? I hear you’re still single…”  

“ Impertinent pig.”

“Is that a no?”  

“ You’ve got to ask yourself one question. Do I feel - clucky? Well, do ya… punk?”

“ Charming singalong.”  

“ The king has decided!”  

“ Then it’s time for a new king. And I vote for me.”   

“ I will not serve under a false king!”  

  “ oh, ____Isn’t this everything you ever dreamed of?”  

“ Come on, baby, light my fire…”   

“Anyway, cheer up. When we get to ____, we’ll be kissed by the world’s most beautiful women.”

“ Enchanté, mademoiselle. I’m __”

“ Eh, you’re better off without him. He walks funny. He even looks funny. People’d throw darts at him.”  

“ How can you be so cold-blooded?”   

“ I’m a reptile.” 


“Did you hear something?” 

“No, I just want you to be quiet” 

“ What are you?”

“ Frankly, we’re the reason cousins shouldn’t marry.”  

“ You *saved* my life! Thank you!”

“ Well, everyone makes mistakes sometimes”

“ And now I’ll thank you… “  

“ Are you *sure* that’s such a good idea?”

“I’m driving”  

“ *Really?* I’ll have to take your word for it.”  

“ No, it’s somewhere in the forest!”

“ Is there anything your magic can do?”

“ You must rely on the courage of your people.”

“ Panic sweeps across the land.”

“ Eh… here’s where we enter a grey area.”

“ Where did you drop the sword?”  

“ It all looks so *different* from down here… “

“ You’ve been quite annoying, for a girl.”  

“ Why won’t you look at me when I’m talking to you?”  

“ Oh. Oh, I didn’t realize you were… “  

 “ What? Tall? Rugged? Handsome?”

“You know, I always forget that one”  

“ Find them all and report back to me! Did you hear me?”

“Sorry master, my mouth was full”

“ Typical! Of all the evil creatures in the world, I had to find one with *table manners*! “   

“ I got three words for you, Birdy! “Dinner. Is. Served”! “  

 “ When I get my hands on that girl…”

“ Look at the sky”

“ Tell me what do you see,”

“ The heavens are sparkling with starlight tonight.” 

 “ That’s what I see through your eyes.”

“ Please… Don’t die.”

“I can’t do this on my own”

“ I’m sorry. It’s all my fault that you were hurt. I mean, I was rattling on when I should have been quiet. I’m no help to anyone.”  

“You’re wrong”

“ I have seen it. And there was no place for me.”   

“I wish you could see it”

“ I… I don’t belong in that world.”   

“But you belong in mine”

“You don’t understand. In __, she’d only see me through their eyes. Not a knight, not a man, not anything.”

“ One day, I will be a knight, like Father.”  

anonymous asked:

How do you afford such an expensive telescope? You seem to have lots of free time so I assume you don't have a full time adult job. You said you have two kids and you live with your parents? Are you one of those man child guys who has rich parents who pay for everything while you read books and preach? Where are you going with your life? Do you ask? You don't stress about supporting a family I bet.

1) That telescope was roughly $340, and I purchased it over 6 years ago during the summer I was laid off from a job I carried for 4+ years in order to support my family and keep consistent with child support. That job demanded everything from me. Within the first year I ended up in the hospital hooked up to an IV and served as a guinea pig for several muscle relaxers and pain relievers, all due to stress induced diaphragmatic spasms. While my son (now 10) was a baby/toddler, I had to travel out of town at random, forfeiting time with my son. 

So, when I was laid off in a really shifty way by the company that took more from me than it gave, I thought I earned that telescope, a small gift to myself, which would give me so much more in return. 

I’m going to give you the benefit of the doubt and assume you haven’t been following this blog for too long. 

2) I work as an enrichment provider through my local library, where I serve as a “LEAP Into Science” teacher for an inner city after school program, 5 days a week. That former job I had 6 years ago reached out to me recently to manage a promotional campaign in Boston for 20 days, so I accepted the contract gig because it’ll provide me with more than my current job could in the same time frame; however, I’ll be sacrificing an entire month away from my kids. 

No, I don’t have a “full time adult” job yet. I had two jobs, but the other abruptly had to close down due to financial struggles. And after I return from Boston, I’ll be continuing my role with the after school program as a substitute wherever and whenever needed every day through the remainder of the school year. Then, I’ll be leading a science summer camp through the YMCA, as I did last year as well. Not a “big boy” job as you say, but that’s the double edged sword of wanting to keep ones dignity…sacrifice a more comfortable financial lifestyle for the benefit of others whose lives will be effected beyond ones own. 

3) I moved back home to York, currently staying with my parents, yes. When my then fiance decided to move in a different direction and my then untreated PTSD was too overwhelming for her, my parents offered their support, and I’m extremely grateful. I took the opportunity to attempt bettering myself by getting insurance, setting up a new doctor, and committing myself to an SSRI, which I’ve been on for over a year, with dramatically positive results. Still, I’m torn and tugged upon, where one day I’m attempting positivity and elation to be alive; and the others, I’m anchored to not so healthy thoughts about everything and anything. It’s been a difficult battle to, courtesy of Paxil, become aware of how influential and disruptive and self sabotaging PTSD is, and the governance its had on my life. This first year has been a significant step forward but there’s more work to be done. 

4) I do have two children, who both live with their mothers, and I have them on the weekends. My “free time” is dedicated to them. When I’m not with them, I would hardly call it “free time”…more, distracting my mind from self loathing and defeat…time. Thus, Tumblr has been and will always be a healthy and safe space for me. 

5) No, I’m not a “man-child” who has their parents pay for everything while I “read books and preach”. Rather, I’m a complex human with complex problems just as everyone; and my parents have helped where and when they can. My mother is a physical therapist and my father owns his own tile installation business (no employees, just him). Wouldn’t call them “rich” by any means whatsoever. I’ve made more money than my mom throughout the years, and my father is busier than he’s ever been with work.

My love for reading is twofold: I read to further my education, broaden and diversify my perspective, and to escape. As far as “preaching” goes, I’m curious as to what you think a sermon of mine would entail…

Environmental protection/policy and human stewardship of the ecosystem?

The imperative of human spaceflight on our civilization and culture as a means to further preserve life and mature our species? 

Promote scientific literacy as a vaccination against ignorance and fear? 

Support resistance against hate, racism, stereotypes, fascism and an oligarchical capitalist society?  

Advocate for humanism and mental health awareness? 

6) I stress less about supporting my family now than I did before Paxil, that’s for sure. But I stress every day about supporting my family. However, Landen is taken care of well over at his mother’s place; and Huxley just the same. My children are loved, and have forged very close and genuine relationships and connections with me, for which I’m proud of, as a father. Nothing about my situation is ideal or convenient to me, no matter how well it seems to “work out” week by week. I still miss my children all the time when I’m not with them. It’s painful. 

7) Where am I going with my life? Do I ask? Of course I ask. And I have plans. But I also have idiosyncrasies and failings of human error that prevent me from pursuing everything I wish, along with significant financial woes. So much has happened over the last year, let alone the last 2.5 years. While I have this time here at my parents’ place, I’ve accepted that this is the port of call by which I must gain my bearings and chart a new course. 

“I don’t know where I’m going, but I’m on my way.”  – Carl Sandburg

All of the above aside, I must say, I find it absolutely bewildering that an individual like yourself would take the time out of whatever kind of life you are living to compartmentalize and project so much bitterness and hate and contempt that you’d actually feel good about yourself sending me a message like this. Like, actually hitting “send” and thinking to yourself, “yeah…I made a good decision today.” 

I’ve genuinely and honestly shared with you a bit of my life, no matter how undeserving I felt you were to have it shared with. That being said, I ask that you politely go fuck yourself, and never message me again.

Audio 11: Teasing The Fatty

A long teasing audio :) I didn’t go too mean since that’s not everyone’s cup of tea, but I did include some name calling and a bit of a mocking tone.

I can’t believe how much you’ve grown, piggy. Look at that gut spilling into your lap. Stand up for me. Ha! Just as I thought, almost half way down to your knees. Now walk a few steps if you can manage it. Look at your flab jiggle as you waddle. Stay standing while I examine you. Wow… do you even realize how huge you’ve gotten? How much you’ve let yourself go? Not many people get as fat as you have. And you’re not even done yet, are you? I’m really impressed with how wide you are. I noticed when you sit your thighs spread quite a bit and practically double in width. My poor pig is probably so embarrassed when you have to sit next to someone in public. Your fat ass and thighs overflowing into the seat next to you. Do you get dirty looks because of it, piggy? Someone sees a huge porker like you sitting on a bus or in a waiting room, they roll their eyes and wonder how someone can do that to themselves. I bet it’s not much better riding in your own car. Your gut squeezes up against the steering wheel, doesn’t it? When you pull into the McDonald’s drive thru for the second time that day, the employees all snicker… Your shirt riding up, exposing your stretch mark covered belly, the seat belt extender straining to contain it all. Oh I just thought of a question for you, tubby. What do you do if there are no seats available? A bloated pig like you can’t stand for too long. Don’t think I haven’t noticed how easily you get out of breath just from a few measly steps. It’s quite amusing actually. I like when we go out to the buffet for dinner… You’re so eager to fill up your plate but it’s just so much work now, isn’t it? You come back to the table and you’re trying to disguise all those gasps for air as contented sighs. I really should just start getting your food for you, but it turns me on to watch you struggle. Not to mention you look so cute coming back to the table all red faced and tuckered out. When we met I had hoped we’d be able to go on short walks every night, just to spend time together and get a little exercise. That’s done now though, right fatty? I guess I shouldn’t expect much movement from you at all anymore. You’re lucky I like taking care of fattened hogs. I mean, you can’t even tie your own shoes anymore. I knew I’d have to do a fair amount of the cooking and housework when you started growing, but you’re so helpless without me now. I’m not complaining. I like controlling every single bite that goes into that greedy mouth. Remember when 6000 calories used to count as a stuffing? Ha! That’s a daily minimum for you now. I suppose that’s why funnels were invented. I don’t even need to tie your chubby hands to anything anymore. As soon as you see me walk into the room with a funnel and a gallon of shake, you turn into such an obedient pig. You lay back and wrap your lips around the tube, inhaling it faster than I can pour. Your chubby cheeks and double chin look even bigger when you’re swallowing huge mouthfuls like that. My favourite part is when your hands naturally gravitate towards your gut while you’re eating. It turns you on, doesn’t it? Being treated like a true pig that only eats their meals through a tube? I guess one of the downsides is not being able to find clothes that fit your massive, blob of a body. Oh well… guess you’ll just be stuck in too-small clothes for a while. Does that bother you? I know at home it’s not so bad, having your obese body exposed all the time. But when we go out to dinner or to get groceries, you must be so nervous. Any second a button could burst open or a seam could rip. It’s adorable watching you tug at your shirt, trying to pull it down over your massive middle. Do you think it’s actually possible to cover that? Keep dreaming, piggy.

Made with SoundCloud
Taehyung Scenario: Pregnancy Perks.

Request: I would like to request an imagine where Tae is with his wife (she’s pregnant) at backstage! And he meets his ex gf, and she gets jealous (you know, a lot of hormones bc of the pregnancy). Do something like she’s eating ice cream and the boys helping her to calm down! (specially kook and yoongi). You choose the end!

Genre: Fluff / Comedy

You were used to go backstage by now, being Taehyung’s wife he had taken you to his events several times so it was nothing new to find yourself there staring at him while he did his performance with Bangtan. They were all so talented, you stared at the screen fascinated at what they were doing, even more when right now it was really tiring for you to move at all, being seven months pregnant wasn’t easy.

When you got to go to these events the dynamics were always similar, the boys did their thing on stage while you watched everything from the little room backstage, waiting for them to finish and come celebrate their great performance. You were glad you were able to do at least that much, since you knew sometimes Taehyung felt like he was under so much pressure, so you being there was a relief to him, even more now that you were expecting a baby.

This time you were alone in the room, other times you were accompanied by other wives or girlfriends or even the makeup artists, but today it was only you. The little room was arranged pretty nicely so you could wait comfortably, they had a ton of snacks and even a little fridge, this was a really good treatment since you knew sometimes they wouldn’t get anything to hydrate or recover.

The performance ended, it was an espectacular one so you were looking forward to congratulate the boys, especially your husband of course. So you stood up when you heard them coming through the hallway, wanting to receive them with a  happy smile, you opened the door to peek and see why they were taking so long. That’s when you saw what was happening.

They were standing mid hallway greeting a group of girls, four girls, all of them insanely beautiful. It would have been nothing at all, just another normal meeting between idols, if it wasn’t for the tiny detail that between those girls was Taehyung’s ex girlfriend.
Your eyes spotted her immediately, that little…girl, was talking closely to Taehyung, smiling and flipping her hair. Taehyung was also smiling, speaking animatedly about something you couldn’t hear, just that made you groan, what was he saying to her? That conversation was far too long to be just a simple greeting. And why he wasn’t walking anymore? You wanted to go there and see what was really happening, but then you knew that if you did that you would only embarrass yourself and Taehyung.

You told yourself to stay relaxed, they would go back to the room anytime soon, this was nothing. You breathed deeply a few times, it wasn’t good for the baby if you got stressed. But then  you raised your eyes, Taehyung was leaving with her ex in another direction.
-That little skank!-

You saw the rest of BTS coming your way, so you quickly closed the door and went to sit normally.

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pay for it

ok so i was curious if you could make a Carl imagine (based off 7x07) where Negan comes to Alexandria after his whole thing w/Carl & ur in the house & have no idea & Carl gets all protective when Negan’s being an asshole to u both. Idk some fluff?

words: 1274
Carl Grimes x reader
The walking dead
Warnings: swearing. Implied sex. 

I hear Judith crying from the other side of the house and sigh setting my *cough* carls, comic book down. I stumble towards her bedroom and the sight that greets me is very unpleasant. I see Negan holding Judith, Carl standing in the door with his arms crossed over his chest. My eyes widen. 

“Carl” I grit staring at him with a glare. He shrugs looking down ashamed. 
“two girls in one day, the day just gets better, Hi I’m Negan” he says with a wicked glint in his eyes. 
“I know who you are” I spit crossing my arms to avoid shaking his hand. 
“Carl get your little bitch in control or we’re going to have problems and stop this damn kid from crying” he huffs. I scoff and take Judith out of his arms before Carl can even think about defending me and strut out of the room stomping down the stairs to get her some food. 
“wow, nice ass, you tapped that Carl?” Negan says laughing and clapping his shoulder. The look on Carl’s face reveals everything. 
“my man” Negan chuckles. “mind if I have a whack at it? sharing is caring” he smirks. I look up the stairs seeing Carl grit his teeth and clench his fists, he looks down at me and I shake my head even with the tears streaming down my face. Negan glances down the stairs too but I turn my head going towards the kitchen. I hear their boots clomp down the stairs and they join me in the kitchen. I reach up into the cupboard to retrieve the apple sauce, I feel a burning sting on my butt and gasp turning around, Negan is standing really close and I clutch Judith really close to my chest making my breasts swell. I gulp. 
“wouldn’t mind making you one of my wives” he hums stroking my cheek, I nearly throw up right then. 

Suddenly Negan is on the floor and Carl is shaking his fist in pain. I gulp looking between them. 
“leave her alone” Carl spits forcefully grabbing my hip and bringing Judith and I into his chest. I breathe in his scent and it calms me instantly. 
“wow kid you got some balls.” Negan says getting off the floor and wiping the blood that had spilled out away from his chin. “you’d really fight me and Lucille for this little whore? you know she’s probably fucking everyone in this joint, just to keep the peace you know” Negan smirks evilly, steam practically oozes out of Carl and I peck his throat to calm him down, he squeezes my hip to let me know he’s ok. 
“do what you want with me, just don’t touch them” Carl speaks with a newfound authority and even Negan is shocked. He steps back a little and furrows his eyebrows wondering why, by this point we weren’t bowing before him. 
“I like your spark kid, but punch me again and you’ll join the ginger and chinese kid.” he squints his eyes. 

“korean” I whisper. Carl looks at me shaking his head and rubbing my hip a little. Judith starts to fuss in my arms a little so I go to walk past Negan to sit at the table with her. He grabs my ear coming down to my ear level. 
“offer still stands on being my wife” he flirts. I scoff shoving his hands off of me. 
“I’d rather jump off a cliff right into shark infested waters and be eaten alive by walkers than even consider you as an option you filthy pig, Carl is my boyfriend, better than you ever could be to any of your ‘wives’ how many do you have? pretty pathetic if you ask me, I bet if you gave them a chance they’d all scatter away at your presence, now keep your hands off me and off my goddamn boyfriend” I grit just loud enough that Carl can hear, a cold glare in my eyes. 
“ouch sweetheart, that hurt” Negan taunts tapping his heart. I laugh and roll my eyes sitting down feeding Judith. She gurgles and giggles as I ignore Negan and Carl’s stares. When she’s finished I pick her up to walk her upstairs. 

“hey sweetcheeks where you going?” Negan taunts. I close my eyes and bite my tongue turning around. 
“she needs burping” I reply. He raises his eyebrows and points back to the chair. 
“stay” he demands. I sigh and sit back down getting her prepared and start burping her. I see Carl’s googly eyes at me but have to ignore it. 
“you looking at this kid? she’s a natural” Negan grins. Carl exhales loudly. 
“look, my dad will be back any minute can you just leave” He pleads, way past the point of withholding his hard stance. Negan nods slightly. 
“fine, but I’m only going cause I heard Spencer wants a chat. Keep that baby cute and keep your girl satisfied” He winks. I look away. “she’ll warm up to me” he chuckles leaving the house.

Immediately I stand up and practically sprint towards Carl. He engulfs me in the tightest hug he can without hurting Judith. 
“I’m so sorry baby” he apologises and I’m shocked, he’s never really emotional which I hate and love at the same time. I smile a little. 
“I thought he was going to take Judith!” I sob. He pulls my head into his neck.
“I thought he was going to take you” he replies quietly and I feel a drop of water hit my face. I look up just in time to see a tear drop out of Carl’s eye, which reminds me. 
“lets get you bandaged up baby” I sigh taking his hand and heading upstairs. I place Judith in her crib then take Carl into the bathroom. He sits on the edge of the bath while I get all the equipment. I start wrapping his eye up but he stops me. 
“why did you want to cover it so quickly? are you repulsed by it? by me?” he whispers holding my wrist gently. I gulp and set the supplies down, sitting on his lap, his hands quickly wrap around my waist. 
“no” I start cupping his cheek. “you know I’m not, I just know you hate it, I’m so pissed he made you take it off. Does it hurt? “ he shakes his head a little but I see in his eyes that the cold air is a little painful. “liar” I giggle. He laughs and nuzzles my neck leaving a short peck. “I think your really handsome baby, eye or no eye. Whatever Negan said to you is all lies, you’re strong and handsome and I love you” I sigh. 
“why?” he replies. 
“huh?” I mumble. 
“why do you love me? you could have had Ron, or Mikey or any of the other kids, or even one of the other men, i mean we’re in a zombie apocalypse I’m sure age isn’t a factor. You don’t have to stay with me” he sighs. I shift slightly on his lap and cup both his cheeks. I run my thumb under his eye and kiss where his eyebrow would be. He sighs feeling my lips graze his skin. 
“I. Love. You” I say staring into his eye. He beams pulling me close. 

“I won’t let Negan or anyone else touch you like that again baby, I’m going to sort this out. Threaten me? fine. Threaten the people I care about. Dad, Judith, Michonne, Maggie, Daryl, everyone else- you” he pauses pecking my nose.

 “you pay for it” he says with determination. 

Dolorous Edd Appreciation Post.

I will write no meta or add any commentary. I will just compile quotes from the unappreciated wonder known as Dolorous Edd. Enjoy.

Jon was paired with dour Eddison Tollett, a squire grey of hair and thin as a pike, whom the other brothers called Dolorous Edd. “Bad enough when the dead come walking,” he said to Jon as they crossed the village, “Now the Old Bear wants them talking as well? No good will come of that, I’ll warrant. And who’s to say the bones wouldn’t lie? Why should death make a man truthful, or even clever? The dead are likely dull fellows, full of tedious complaints-the ground’s too cold, my gravestone should be larger, why does he get more worms than I do…”

A Clash of Kings.

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This is Not Your Fairy Tale

Your name: submit What is this?

Warnings: Sex, Language and Violence.

The Crazy Horse Road House may not be the most romantic rendezvous, but it’s work for you and Sam. That’s the only thing that matters.

Between you schedule and Sam crisscrossing the country to fight the big bad, it’s amazing you’ve made any semblance of a relationship last. It takes a lot of work and patience to be the woman waiting on Sam Winchester. Most of the time it’s nothing more than missed dinners, broken plans and crawling into bed alone.

It’s not exactly ideal, but it’s your reality and it’s really damn lonely.

Once a month, if life is hectic and you two haven’t really gotten a chance to spend any time together, you meet here. The Crazy Horse.  You spend the weekend drinking cheap beer, going to second run movies and fucking in the dirty motel across the street. Sometimes he comes alone, other times he brings his brother and you pretend that it doesn’t bother you.

Everything about Sam is a compromise, so you take what you can get.

So tonight, here you sit, three beers in, waiting. Sam’s late, big surprise.

“Hey,” a greasy, middle-aged guy parks himself on the barstool next to you. He has no shame as he gives you a good once over, eyeing you from head to toe. “Damn sweetheart, you look like you could use some company.”

“I’m good, thanks.” You flash him a tight smile and sip your beer.

“I don’t know about that. You look a little lonely over here all by yourself.” He makes himself comfortable, signaling to the bartender for another drink. “I’m Luke, what’s your name?”

You resist the urge to roll your eyes. “You don’t have worry about me. I’m waiting for someone.”

“You sure about that?” He moves in a little closer. “My buddies and I have been watching you for a while. Sure looks like you’re flying solo.” He nods to a small table.  You follow his stare and several of the men begin to snicker and whistle.

“As flattering as all this is, I’m really not interested in anything other than my drink.” You shift in your seat, turning toward him and leaning away at the same time. You make sure to look him in the eyes, you don’t want him getting the wrong idea, you’re not a woman who’s easily messed with. This is not the first time you’ve been hit on in bar, but it never gets less uncomfortable.

“Hey now, no reason to get your panties in a punch.” He’s really not taking the hint. “Just let me buy you a beer. I we’d get along just fine once you loosen up a little.”

“Listen, I’m not going to ask you again, please leave me alone.” You cringe as he licks his lips, amused by your reaction.

“Let’s just think about this for a minute, it’s perfect sweetheart,” His hand is suddenly on your leg, his stubby fingers digging into your thigh. You suck in a sudden breath, jumping at his touch. “You’re alone, I’m alone. We could have a little fun.”

“She’s not alone.” Sam’s voice behind you is unmistakable, accompanied by his big hands on your shoulders. “Take your hands off her before I do it for you.”

Luke’s hand recoils, suddenly jumping up from his seat. He smiles shyly and shrugs his shoulders. “It’s cool man, we were just talking.”

“Well, you’re done now.” Sam moves between you and Luke, as he shuffles back his table where his friends are in hysterics.

“You picked a hell of a night to be late.” You spin around to face him.

“I can see that. You have quite the fan club.” Sam looks down you with his jaw set, not at all amused. He ticks his head, as if he’s trying to shake off how pissed he is. He throws Luke, and the table of admirers, a hostile stare.

“Sam, It’s fine” You stand up as he snakes an arm around your waist, pulling you to him. He kisses you hard, definitely more forceful than the usual hello kiss. You squeak into this mouth when he grabs a handful of your ass, giving it a quick squeeze as he pulls away.

Sam’s marking his territory. You let him.

“You wanna leave?” He offers, still holding you against his body.  You can feel his heart racing in his chest, he really didn’t like that guy touching you. His reaction, while a bit over the top, is really turning you on.  

“No, don’t let that guy ruin our night. Come on,” you grab his hand and coax him back toward the bar.


It takes a few beers, a game of darts and a story about Dean shopping for the perfect mozzarella cheese, but Sam simmers downs and start to enjoy himself. You talk and drink until well after midnight. You tell him everything. The little details, that would bore anyone else, make Sam’s eyes light up. He enjoys hearing about your boring little life.

Sam’s coming back from the bathroom, when one of Luke’s friend bumps into him. Sam keep his cool, but the guy mumbles something. You know what’s about to happen, already moving toward them.

“What did you say?” Sam raises his eyebrows, his shoulders rolling back.

“Baby, just ignore him. Please, let’s just go.” You’re between Sam and another man, with two hands on Sam’s chest. The other guy is just as big as Sam.

The situation has escalated in record time.

The man eyes you up, then down, making the point that Sam can’t stop him from looking at you any way he likes.  He turns to Sam and grins, “I bet I could make her squeal like a pig.”

“Shut your mouth.” Sam spits as his fist connects with the man’s face in a single, fluid motion. One quick punch and the asshole is holding his nose as blood streams down his shirt.

Next thing you know, he’s running full bore at Sam.

Your dive bar date night has officially turned into an all out brawl.



A couple hours  later you’re in a dirty motel bathroom. The gash in Sam’s side looks horrific but he’s insisting that he doesn’t need a hospital.

“Can you thread the needle for me?” he implores, wincing as he gingerly pats the open wound with an alcohol soaked cloth.

“Sure,” you gulp and look away, your stomach feeling uneasy. “Are you sure we shouldn’t have someone look at it? He cut with a broken beer bottle for Christ’s sake.”

“It’s not too deep.” Sam gives you a strained grin that’s intended to dismiss your concerns. “I’ve done it before, Y/N. I’m gonna be fine.”

“Okay,” you don’t fight him. You thread the needle with fishing line and hand it to him along with a bottle of whiskey. He takes a swig, then gets down to the business of stitching himself up.

You can’t watch. You turn the TV and force yourself to watch a rerun of Forensic Files.

By the time Sam’s crawls into bed it’s almost sunrise. There’s a lot you intended to say to him, but instead you wrap your arms around him as he lays his head on your chest.

“I’m sorry.” You whisper, it wasn’t your fault, but you feel like somehow it was. “We should have left.”

“Don’t be. He was asking for it.” Sam breathes, “I’d do it again.”

When you wake up it’s early afternoon and Sam is gone. There’s a note on his pillow.

Dean called, had to leave. Didn’t want to wake you.

I’m sorry I ruined our night. I’ll make it up to you. Call me.

I love you.


Two weeks later , Sam hi-jacks you on a Sunday afternoon. He holds your hand while he drives, thumb rubbing the back your knuckles and watching how you smile at the afternoon light. He sneaks glances at you, noticing, for the first time in a long time  the pink in your cheeks, delicate color on pallid skin.

He finds a old revival theater, in a town so out of the way he’d never be able to find again if his life depended on it. The tickets are cheap, but the popcorn is stale and the only thing playing is a animated kids movie he’s never heard of.

You tell him you can’t believe he’s never seen this movie and you’re definitely staying. It’s a exquisite, rundown theater, you can smell mold and new paint as you sit in ratted seats. You think it’s fantastic. He’s there with you, arm slung over her shoulders as the lights dim and your eyes tear up at the opening credits of An American Tail.

And even though I know how very far apart we are

It helps to think we might be wishing on the same bright star…

Afterwards, Sam fucks you in the parking lot, you ride him in the backseat, squirming and moving your hips while he bucks up into you. Your teeth chatter over his lips, kisses hard and meant only for him. He fists the pale yellow material of you dress where it’s bunched at your hips, rough hands cupping ass while you ache with lust. Your back curves sharply, harsh gasps when his dick finds your sweet spot and all you can do is say his name. You dig fingers, clawing into his shoulder, cock buried deep, while quivering muscles tug at him. You jerk when he comes quickly with a muffled shout, mouth still pressed into your breast.

In the end it’s not the fairy tale weekend you dream of, it’s just a small moment, something private that’s only yours. There are very few romantic dinners, certainly no opera tickets or moonlit walks - no, instead you get a cheap film, a flask of whiskey and a quick fuck. 

And in this life, not the ideal, not the fairy tale, but in this real existence…it’s perfect.


anonymous asked:

gonna need to hear Accent Rant Part II: Featuring** Draco Malfoy (**STARRING)


so you know whenever you watch a film set in England any time between the 1880s and the 1930s there’s always that one posh cock who says something rude and classist and demoralising to The Hero™ while wearing a dinner jacket and everyone TITTERS into their champagne flutes and you know, as you stare murderously at his perfectly parted hair, that he’s going to get his Comeuppance SOMEHOW, even if you have to drag YOURSELF through the celluloid to PUNCH HIM ON HIS ARISTOCRATIC NOSE?

Draco Malfoy sounds like that guy. 

just for example: Benedict ‘bite it… you have to bite it’ Cumberbatch in Atonement, Rupert Everett in pretty much anything, Jude Law as Bosie in Wilde, Achievable Goals Please Jeff in Pride, the classically handsome but predictable shitty one in Kingsman: The Secret Service, Colin Firth in the 1995 Pride and Prejudice (some of these examples don’t fit the bill re: horrid rich dude in a movie, but all of them fit the bill re: horrid rich accent in a movie, so whatever, sorry about it, Colin), every single person in The Riot Club, Jason Isaacs in Peter Pan, JASON ISAACS IN HARRY POTTER, which I will bring up again IN A JIFFY, any Conservative politician in any film – not to mention a great swathe of Tory politicians in real life, but ESPECIALLY Boris Johnson. 

actually, Boris Johnson is probably the best example, mainly for entertaining Parallel Life reasons (PLUS someone actually wrote him as Draco’s uncle/Minister for Magic in a fic once, which I would have found absolutely hilarious if I hadn’t read it the week after Brexit) – him or David Cameron, though I do like to think that Draco Malfoy is more of an Alarmingly Blond, Deceptively Intelligent Career Politician Cultivates Reputation As Eccentric sort of person than a Fucks Dead Pig Mouths sort of person, but then Boris Johnson is at least partly responsible for Brexit, so which is worse, really?

A N Y W A Y, if Draco Malfoy wasn’t a wizard, he’d have gone to Eton, gone to Oxbridge, and then taken up his father’s seat in the House of Lords because you can fucking bet the Muggle Malfoys would be hereditary peers or whatever. he would have only shown up for the votes on, like, rich people taxes, and spent the rest of his time as a member of the Right Honourable the Lords Spiritual and Temporal of the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland fucking about and driving all the Lib Dems absolutely crackers.*

*can I just say right now that my political knowledge is extremely lacking, so if this paragraph reads like gobbledegook that’s because it probs is. 

in fact, all the shit I said about Justin Finch-Fletchley’s non-magic AU life? that would be Draco Malfoy’s non-magic AU life, except, unlike Justin, the magical version of Draco Malfoy’s life doesn’t have him ironically located at the bottom of the wizarding and wizard high school hierarchy. Draco Malfoy is the direct wizarding equivalent of Justin Finch-Fletchley’s non-magic AU life. like, canonically. the Malfoys are so rich they don’t work, they have a big, old mansion in Wiltshire, they’re OBSESSED with their own ancestry, and Lucius Malfoy throws money at the government and subsequently has the Minister’s ear despite a) not working at the Ministry, b) having little-to-no background in politics at all, and c) being a pretty much proven baddy. 

and, I mean, if Draco Malfoy isn’t the sort of person who would join a prestigious university drinking club whose Join Our Prestigious University Drinking Club hazing involves burning a £50 note in front of a homeless person, then who would? The Bullingdon Club is basically Young Death Eaters Assoc. (for the record, Draco is the one who’d write the tell-all memoir years later when all his old club chums are in positions of power in the government, Theodore Nott would be the one who rattled a dead pig and then became Prime Minister. I would also like to issue an apology for ever implying that Justin Finch-Fletchley would stoop so low as to shag deceased livestock. he seems like a nice enough chap.) 

anyway. Draco Malfoy is these levels of posh, is what I’m saying. Eton-Oxbridge-Westminster posh. Monty Python’s Upper Class Twit of the Year posh. ALSO, all of this + unnaturally blond hair Draco Malfoy is Magic Boris Johnson. (or maybe Lucius Malfoy is Magic Boris Johnson, in which case Voldemort is Nigel Farage and the war is Brexit. I’m living an AU where Harry decided to stay dead and Voldemort won. ha ha.) 

so yes, posh voice like Boris Johnson.

which begs the question: in a film series in which a good 90% of the characters speak Received Pronunciation English with a Definitive Upper Class Lilt regardless of how they should sound according to the book or, like, the laws of school catchment areas, WHY does DRACO MALFOY not sound POSH ENOUGH? HOW DID THEY MANAGE TO DROP THE BALL ON THIS??? why does Hermione Granger, muggleborn daughter of – I assume – middle class dentists, sound like the fourth Crawley sister, while Draco ‘my father bought seven state-of-the-art, outrageously expensive broomsticks just so I, a 12-year-old, would be accepted onto my school house team’ Malfoy sounds like he’s hanging out in the food court of the Croydon Ikea?

don’t get me wrong, I love Tom Felton. Young Me was utterly enamoured by the slicked back hair and the smirking, and he will always have a place in my heart for being so delighted by Drarry and taking the Lauren Lopez thing so fantastically and for reblogging that gay wizard app tweet. BUT DRACO MALFOY ISN’T POSH ENOUGH. NONE OF THE YOUNG SLYTHERIN DEATH EATER SPAWN, I.E. FUTURE BULLINGDON CLUB WANKERS, ARE POSH ENOUGH. IT IS INCENSING. (I have theories about why, and by ‘theories’ I mean one single theory which is absolutely correct, to do with accent and class and stereotyping and blah blah not Harry Potter-related things blah.) 

at least they managed it for Lucius. Jason Isaac’s intense, hissy poshness gives me LIFE. every time he says anything CUTTING (or what is considered cutting by these PG films) I’m low key like ‘…yesss.’ there’s no way that a snakes-head-cane-concealing-weapon-wielding, ponytailed, hanging-out-at-Downing-Street-whispering-things-to-the-PM-even-though-I’m-independently-wealthy-and-have-no-business-here MOTHERFUCKER would let his ONLY SON AND HEIR sound like anything less than someone who’d been frogmarched to young adulthood by twelve governesses with a silver spoon lodged firmly in every orifice and given elocution lessons from BIRTH. I mean

the only person – THE ONLY PERSON – in the Slytherin Squad who doesn’t let me down is THE OG PANSY PARKO in Prisoner of Azkaban. she has one line and she absolutely nails it. the upper-class drawl. the tone of utter boredom. the way she makes ‘Draco’ seem like a perfectly natural name the way few of the other characters manage. I can hear it, in my head, clear as a bell, like she’s right here in my room with me. “Does it hurt terribly, Draco?” incredible. living art. give Genevieve Gaunt and her strangely on-point name fucking Oscar. she is the posh we need to see in Slytherin house! the posh to which all others should aspire!! why wasn’t Genevieve Gaunt and her all-girls-independent-boarding-school-sexy-ambiguously-gay-bully drawl cast as Draco Malfoy?!?!?!

it’s only now that I’ve gotten to the end of this long, Boris Johnson-centric tirade on Draco Malfoy’s poshness that I’ve realised his TRUE Muggle equivalent is Prince Phillip, Duke of Edinburgh: incredibly posh, tactful as a brick, quite racist, which you can blame on upbringing, someone somewhere will eventually start a religious sect believing he’s a divine being. I mean… it’s obvious. Prince Draco. Draco Malfoybatten. it’s all making SENSE!

for the record: Sirius Black also has this accent. carry on.


Outfit Idea

Requested By Anon

Reader Nicknames: Tomcat (Peter), Kitten/ Princess (Roman)

Peter and Roman were waiting for you to finish you football match, laughing at the idea of inviting you to one of Roman’s ‘fine balls’. You were the only girl in Hemlock Grove that would turn them down.

“Hey guys what’s up?” You asked still in your kit with your hair in a messy bun at the back of your head.


“You’re not getting in my car when you’re all sweaty.” Roman huffed but smiled at you when you hugged him and rubbed your sweaty forehead onto his shirt.


“So you coming to Roman’s fancy party?” Peter asked as he shouldered your bag or you and slung an arm over your shoulders.


“Nope.” You said with the pop of the P and skipped ahead of the boys, grabbing Roman’s keys from his hand as you hurried past him.


“Here take this and you can get something to wear.” Roman muttered as he climbed into the car and moved you so you were sat on Peter’s lap.

“Or you could buy a bigger car and me and Peter can stay home watching awful werewolf movies and pigging out on pizza.” You hummed with a cheeky grin.


“Sorry Tomcat I’m going.” Peter chuckled when you scowled at him.

“Traitor.” You huffed and took the black credit card that Roman had set on the dash board.

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anonymous asked:

How do you do energy readings? Or can you pls link me to any posts about it? Thank you, thank you !

I’ve been trying to find the ask about this that i answered a while back but i can’t seem to find it omg. 

this is gonna be so unhelpful lol but for energy readings, i just… do them? i don’t have any specific methods and i wasn’t taught. i just saw @seraicraft doing them and i was like, “i bet i can do those” and tried my best haha. i practiced on one of my friends (thanks @a-sprinkle-of-magick for being my guinea pig) and once she gave me a review and i saw that it was relatively accurate for her, i was like okay im gonna open them up.

when i receive a request, i just think about their initials/nicknames and a vision comes to me. i don’t even have to enter a meditative state. i can do them anywhere basically, even with my eyes open, but it’s easier if its quiet so i can focus.
sometimes, if im not sure if im just imagining it, i may try to change it, but a feeling similar to an itch comes and nudges me not to which is helpful for discernment. 

thats about everything that happens. i guess it comes natural to me, bc it doesnt even take a lot of energy at all. 

im sorry this isn’t very helpful haha