i ate my first dinner today

4-5 // 100 Days of Productivity 

I exist! Yesterday was so exhausting. I had work from 7:30 am-11:00 am, 3 classes back to back right afterward, a training session about 30 minutes after my last class, and I didn’t eat dinner until 8. I fell asleep sweaty and gross but in a deep, refreshing slumber until an upset stomach woke me up at 4:00 am this morning. 

Today was very low key, which was awesome. I had one class at 1:00, a meeting right afterward, and I had to scan my transcripts to send my internship. I went to Texas Roadhouse for the first time ever and it was so much fun. I ate with my roommates before heading over to Target to grocery shop. 

All of my roommates decided to go out for the night despite the fact that it is snowing profusely. I went to the gym and decided to catch up on some homework. I just did some cardio and some 5-minute abdominal workout. It was supposed to be my rest day so I tried to do a low impact workout. I just did the elliptical for about 20 minutes and another 5 minutes on the bike. 

My homework has been moving along quite nicely. I wrote my Odyssey article, tried to do my professional writing blog (but there are some issues with the confirmation email on Wordpress so I cannot publish said blog), and I’m about to read for my American Gothic class.

Tomorrow I have work from 11-2. I’m heading to the gym afterward to get my arm and abdominal workout in before doing, even more, homework. Tomorrow should be rather quiet, though. Hopefully, I can get two hours into LSAT studying and my literary criticism homework. 

Anyway, it’s going to be a late night!


Tummy Troubles

March 23rd 2017


So, I did no exercise today, although the yoga I was doing could be considered questionable. Last night I saw my tummy and I freaked out. But today, even though I could’ve hid it, I admitted I missed my first snack, and even though I probably could’ve avoided it and god knows I wasn’t even hungry, I ate my after dinner snack. So I count that as a victory.

I also beat my dad at checkers. For once. It was a speed round, he and mum were off for lunch. Melody eats with me at most meals now.

So I guess my family is off toasting their independence with margaritas and all around jolliness.

They call though. They ask how I’m doing. The fact that they spend thousands of dollars in therapy and are constantly working with me is enough to prove they care. I’d be naive to think otherwise.

I’ve reached 200 followers. Thank you all for listening, and being interested in my story. It kind of interests me how someone can be followed by thousands, yet their posts will only get 30 likes. Does that mean that 970 people don’t like it? That they just don’t read it? Some combination? II guess you’ve got to take into account the porn blogs and various spam blogs as well. But I know (or virtually know) a few of you. I thank you for being on this journey with me, and if you can think of any way to celebrate the 200 milestone please let me know.

Eager to measure my fame I googled “200 followers tumblr” and came across a tag, then, curious, I googled “1000 followers tumblr.” While I was scrolling through the tags for that I noticed an eating disorder blog and it shook me.

How many people, spam blogs, porn blogs included, are following this. It’s awful It’s terrible.

I was having anxiety today so I asked melody the question that my anxious mind had on repeat: “Are you insecure about some part of your body?”

She said “Yes, sometimes” and went on in her sing-songy voice describing her friends, one of whom just drinks coffee to curb her appetite and how she dislikes her butt, feels like she should work out, and it’s honestly just sad. It’s just plain sad. An epidemic. A flu I’ve caught, and look where it landed me. The hospital.

I talked with Yuki today on the phone. We’re working on a shared Google Doc to investigate the “ab-mania” that has a death grip on society.

I wrote a haiku entitled “My Ideal Stomach”

Flat like a pancake

By pancake I mean spinach

Cus’ carbs are evil

It’s meant to be sarcastic. Psychologist #1 wasn’t super helpful today when I told her about my tummy worries:

“Well your stomach fat will even out eventually.”
“But what if it doesn’t? I’ve always had a bit of belly fat”

“Oh, then you’ll have to do your sit ups. But-”

“But I don’t even want to worry about it in the first place!”

“Then wear clothing that hides it.”

“Why should I have to hide it?”

“Then just wear loose clothing, and move on with your life! Don’t think about it!”

“Do you think about it?”


So there you go.

Then I skyped with my mum and she poked her belly on camera, and I realized, that the whole belly thing is stupid and I shouldn’t even care.


I shouldn’t even care.

ps: I started taking ADHD medication today. I pray it helps.

Small steps of recovery/self-care I did today
  • Took a shower (might seem small but I haven’t had the energy for this for like 5 days so..)
  • Made myself something I actually like for dinner and ate it all
  • Laughed about something a friend said
  • Made preparations for my move to the Netherlands
  • Read a book for the first time in weeks

So ended up cooking and eating my dinner at half 7 because I really did start feeling super hungry and I think I ate it way to quick because my IBD stomach is growling away at me 😒

But today I ate breakfast at 8.30/9.0
Lunch at 2.0
And dinner at 7.30

So looks like every 5 hours I start to get hungry from when I first eat which is good to know!

Stuck within my calories didn’t have a snack between lunch and dinner and I have like 73 calories left incase I want a tea later on which I doubt because I’ve drank like a million bottles of water after my dinner hoping it will help my food digest 🙃

and I plan on going to sleep soon
Just enjoying myself a lovely bubble bath to relax me and wash off the heat from today’s weather!

Tomorrows a new day!
Oooo also I just want to mention that usually when buy my ice coffee Starbucks drinks I tend to go for 1 high calories 1 between and 1 low

But tomorrow I’m having 3 low calorie ones hoping I can get into the habit of that and also might encourage me to cut down on them to 2 a day Instead :)

I’m excited for the end of this week to weigh myself to see if I’ve lost the 2lbs I gained at the start of the week 🙈

I’m really glad I’m back on track because I really was worried I was going to loose my stride but I’m so determined to shift this 8lbs at least and I got right back on the horse!

So proud keeping up the hard work 💪🏻
Can’t wait for Sunday weigh day!


Family Disneyland Day Today!

Today was one of those Disneyland trips for the record books. We had such an amazing time! This was the first time Ashtyn was too old to sneak in as a baby, so my parents bought her an annual pass! She was so proud and excited to have a pass of her own - her annual pass photograph screams “I’m a big girl!”

We ate ice cream sundaes at Ghirardelli for dinner, we rode the teacups, we ate lollipops bigger than our heads, we watched parades (Riley’s first parade), and we danced the night away at the Mad Hatter’s Tea Party!

Most importantly, Ashtyn selected her very first lightsaber and she watched the Jedi Academy for the first time!

A very fulfilling day.

“I can’t make it tonight. I’ll write you as soon as I manage to look at my calendar.”

She was my first love. My first girlfriend.
My first actual kiss.
We became a couple in 2011. I was 15.
She threated me pretty bad during our time but I blamed it on her school related stress.
I loved her more than anything, did everything for her.
I was shy but danced in public, had a scene in a movie with her, ate dinner with her parents regularly, everything she wanted because I loved her so much.
She liked to talk, I liked to listen.
One day she wrote me a sms saying “Can you come over later today? We need to talk”
Me, being kind of naiv I guess, didn’t expect this.
I went to her place, she left me.
The day before, she wrote that she loves me, can’t wait to see me again.
It was quite quick but I sat there saying nothing for about 30minutes.
I think I left a part of me with her that day.
I didn’t went to school the next day. Told my mom that I was feeling sick, stole a bottle of my parents wine from the basement and locked myself in the room all day.
A week after that my 2 best friends went to a party at her place.
They didn’t understand why it hurt me.
My parents asked about her ever other day even tho I told them she broke up with me.
It hurt so much every time they mentioned her. They both didn’t stop even after I told them this hurt me.
A few months after she broke up and my parents would still ask me about her. They then told me she was now in love with a cousin of mine. Of all the people there are, it had to be my fucking cousin.
A year after that she contacted me on facebook, wishing me a happy belated birthday.
I deleted her on facebook because I developed the habit of clicking on her profile a lot.
I couldnt take that anymore.
When I wrote her back I told her we couldnt be friends. By her few words I knew she didn’t even understand what she did to me.
Everytime she contacted me my whole body quivered heavily.
I thought about her every single day for about 3 years.
I seriously thought about ending my life every other day. I researched painless ways of ending my life. Still thinking about that every now and then.
She contacted me again a year after that. She asked If I wanted to meet and talk about it.
It seemed like the only chance for me feeling better- i said yes. She told me she would be back in my country in like 2 months. She didn’t contact me when that time passed by.
So I did.
I felt worse than before.
We had some completely useless conversation that ended up with me feeling even worse and her not caring a single bit.
Some time after that she asked If I’m free in the comming days.
Without thinking about it too much I told her the days that I was free.
She then told me “I can’t make it tonight. I’ll write you as soon as I manage to look at my calendar.”
That was one year ago. Never wrote me again.
How many times can you stab a bleeding person?
Writing this I’m shaking. I’m actually tearing up for the first time In years because I saw her today. She didn’t show a single emotion.
I’m shy again.
I never danced in public again.
I can’t stand eating dinner with the parents of my girlfriend of almost 3 years now.
Why do I deserve this.
I pray she’ll live a great life and that, from this day on, I never think about her ever again.
If you ever read this Anne:
I don’t deserve this. I swear I don’t.


Anniversary Time!

September 17th was the day we decided to change our lives and be together.

Later, September 17th was the day we signed the lease on our first apartment.

No matter what life has thrown at us since then, we have loved and supported each other through it all. I am so, so happy to share my life with my lovely and smart and strong and sexy Leigh Ann!

Today, we went to dinner at the same restaurant where we ate the first time we met in person.

The waitstaff all wished us Happy Anniversary, and it felt so nice for our wlw situation to seem “normal” to (almost) everyone else around.

They gave us a complimentary little appetizer that was cute as can be. We finished it by sharing a slice of cake worthy of @random-nexus’s famous fic.

We also booked a hotel room for the weekend. As it happens, the hotel is also hosting a bunch of guests here for a Conservative Christian Men’s Intensive Prayer and Study Convention.

So, that’s even more reason NOT to hide our relationship. We’ve held hands in every elevator, every hallway, and across the breakfast table right next to their group.

A more shocking/amusing moment:  After some very enthusiastic “smutfic-esque” afternoon delight (many toys and positions and some light impact play were involved), Leigh Ann got up to get us some water, and she noticed that our door had not fully shut. It had swung back open about an inch.

That’s not the kind of PDA I endorse.

On the bright side, we are at the end of the hallway.

We are, though, on the same floor as the conference room where about 20 men were praying to the Lord to deliver the Earth from things like those evil homosexuals and perverts and loose women.

We both certainly qualified in all three of those categories today.



The main points of this post are that loveyourselfcompletely was late and had the best awkward catch up, there was SO MUCH BEER, and I ate an entire Chipotle burrito without regret (definitely might have been my first one all year). I also had pizza for dinner because I think I needed more carbs and calories today. Worth it. This race was awesome!

Feeling like a champ

I worked really hard to get me and my co-intern out on time today – and it worked!! 

We signed out the service on time for the first time since I’ve been on this service instead of 1-2 hours later than sign out time. 

I rewarded myself with a quick run when I got home and dinner. Now I don’t know what to do that I have a whole two hours before I have to go to sleep. I ate dinner before 9pm and already got stuff ready for tomorrow. I may study for about an hour and then just get ready for bed and sleep. 

3/12 days straight done. 

Valentine’s Dinner, 02/14/2016

Today was a special dinner day! I got to eat what Mommy and her family ate for dinner. It looked really tasty.

The brownie had nuts in it and I really like nuts. It was the first thing I grabbed off the plate. I picked out the nuts from the chocolate.

Because I was excited, I got powdered sugar all over my nose.

I had a little friend show up after I ate a lot of the nuts in the brownie. I didn’t know what to think of it.

I decided to eat more of the yummy stuff on my own. Some of the bread got all soaked in the sorbet. Overall, I would say it was a super tasty meal!