i am utterly

I have a confession... I don’t belong here.

I’m not usually one to to say how she feels, let alone write down how she feels, but recent events have made it hard to hide where I’m at, so I thought I’d take a page from my good friend’s book and lay it all out here. To see if it helps.

Over the last few months really exciting things have been happening. Some things you know about, some you don’t. Suffice it to say life is good. And I’m terrified. I am utterly a fish out of water. I am lost and confused. And no one knows it. My life used to be small. I was a sun flower in a small garden. I thrived on what water I had and was fine. Fine. ish. I wanted more. I pretended that I knew more than I did so that I wouldn’t seem like such and outsider to my peers. Fake it till you make it, right? I knocked down doors that were locked and found opportunities that were hidden away form me. I was succeeding at the unimaginable. And then I pushed. And I pushed. And I pushed. Until I found myself weeping from a broken back because I had been pushing at brick walls that wouldn’t budge. I’d pushed too hard. And I became so terrified that I would be discovered as a fraud that I became selfish and insensitive. All to conceal a devastating fact. I don’t belong here.

I grew up on a small farm. We as kids worked the farm to help out. My mother moved us around where she could find work when my father lost his eyesight. we struggled always but we survived. This isn’t meant to be a pity party. My folks are strong as fuck. My point is, none of this is supposed to happen to girls like me. I was just a girl who loved to make people laugh, who loved the theatre and was terrified of being invisible. But recent events have put me in a position where lack of anonymity is making my screw ups more prevalent to some. And its an awful feeling. I try really hard to appear to be a person that is supposed to live in this kind of situation I’m in, because I love it here. But the secret is, I have no idea what I’m doing. So I fuck up. And I perhaps come across as self-absorbed and opportunistic as a sad attempt to look mightier than the small town girl that I really am. This is my way of keeping people far enough away that they wont see the cracks in my armour.

Here’s my other big secret. I love a lot. Like A LOT. I cant help it. My attraction to good humans can not be harboured and I am not ashamed. You look at my phone and I generally have 7 text threads going on any given day. I want to know everything about you at all times. I want you to share your deepest passions and griefs with me. I wanna know you inside and out! Here’s the thing, I don’t like to let people love me. Fucked up right? I want to love you but I don’t want you to need me. Cause I’ll disappoint you and you’ll go away and then it’ll all be for nothing. If I’m really scared of your love i’ll be unemotional, or distant, or if you’re really lucky- I might even be mean. 

Anyway this is my point: This exact life I’m living right now is a combination of my greatest dream and my most terrifying nightmare. I am not invisible and I can’t escape the love and the loving needs of others. I’m living a life that many including myself have only dreamed of. And I’m terrified that I’m just going to screw it all up.

So I’m writing this to let you know I’m going to work really really hard and do my absolute best to not fuck this up. Any of it. This is the steepest learning curve I’ve ever had in my life and I can no longer hide the fact that I feel in over my head. But stick with me, K? I’ll figure it all out really soon. 

Thank you for everything that you’ve given me and the patience you continue to give me. I’m sorry if it seems like I’ve taken your love for granted. It’s actually just the opposite. I just didn’t want you to know ;)


This is a tune I like when I’m feeling lost in my brain. It’s a song from me to me.

blackeyedbiatch  asked:

Hey. Can I say you are actually a Rae of sunshine in my evening spent browsing through Tumblr. Honestly, You've changed my life. it's got to the point where I pick up a normal book and I groan and go, 'Rae could do better. I may as well go read her fics again for the millionth time,' I was wondering if I could pretty please get on the fic tag list? I'm so awkward and I don't know what to call it.

I am utterly speechless… This might be one of the nicest things anyone has ever said to me ever and I just… Can I hug you?? You are the sweetest thing and I appreciate this so much, and I appreciate you so dang much for taking the time to say it. You are a freaking gem!! Thank you. Thank you a million times over. It’s people like you who inspire me to write more and to get better.

I would be more than happy to add you to my taglist. Thank you again. 

Originally posted by nickthevessel

captain underpants is a book series written by dav pilkey, who was often punished in school and reprimanded because he had ADHD and dyslexia, and he created captain underpants while sitting in the hall being punished for “misbehaving.” when he wrote captain underpants, he encouraged the behaviors that he was so often yelled at for, and encouraged creativity and humor, mostly the very type of creativity and humor that got him in trouble in the first place, despite his teachers literally telling him that his comics were useless and there was no way he could make that into his living. instead of giving up, he wrote a beloved book series that had two cannonically ADHD characters who were told that their ADHD was not only okay, but wonderful, one of whom is cannonically gay and grows up to have a husband, in a book that flat out makes fun of the GOP in the first few chapters, and i am being completely and utterly serious when i say that we do not deserve dav pilkey or the captain underpants books and it makes me want to tear up as a pan kid w/ severe ADHD because this means so much to me

… or, in his own words:

anonymous asked:

100 ways to say I love you?

1. “Everything is gonna be okay”

2. “We can go outside if your having anxiety”

3. “i’m here if you need to talk”

4. “your really something aren’t you”

5. “I like you just the way you are”

6. “i worry about you”

7. “your my favorite”

8. “I believe in you”

9. “your important to me”

10. “i care”

11. “I was just thinking about you”

12. “i noticed

Keep reading

I am so completely and utterly heartbroken over this. Y'all have really gone and pissed me right off now.

When Ben stage doors, he’s doing it because he loves his fans and wants to talk to them. Not because he wants to get fucking harassed. He has actual anxiety and this was probably a nightmare for him so please calm your asses and be a little bit more respectful of the fact that Ben is a fucking human being.

He has no obligation to talk to you, take a picture with you, sign your shit or ANYTHING. If he doesn’t, then he doesn’t. Don’t start pulling at him because that is literally physically assaulting him. Treat him with some human decency.

This is embarrassing. This is horrible and unfair on Ben.

I wonder, do you still miss me? Are there tears soaked into your pillow? Do I still mean something to you? Because now there’s mascara stains on my mattress and I keep wishing you were with me and I can’t shake the feeling that I am completely and utterly alone.

I am disgusted and utterly disappointed to have to do this, but I want to make sure all of you in the beauty world know NOT to support Jeffree Star Cosmetics. He was an idol to me, until I just this morning learned that he is a blatant racist.

People are calling him out on Instagram for a past video he had made with a friend doing black face; he used the words “little black bitch”, and talked about THROWING BATTERY ACID ON A BLACK WOMAN TO LIGHTEN HER SKIN TONE.

He is currently blocking everyone who is calling him out and demanding an apology. He will not admit to his “mistake”. That is… beyond appalling to me. If you were once a gross piece of trash, you should at least admit it and apologize, otherwise it looks like you’ve learned nothing. For all we know, he still feels that way about black women.

I will not support him or his cosmetics line from now on.

I don’t usually make Pissed/Rant posts, but this infuriates me.

As many of you people know, I do conventions on top of youtube for a living. A really really good friend of mine does conventions and commission work for her living and has been doing this as a full paid living for years. (I am not going to say her name, she asked me to keep her anonymous so I will respect her request.) She does more conventions in a year, let alone several years, than I couldn’t ever fathom so her experience with conventions including El Paso Comic Con, is very broad. 

I don’t usually make posts like this or anything concerning drama, but I want this to be known out there and have there be an awareness of this issue, cuz what happened today at El Paso Comicon is wrong, and I just wish I was there to do something about it. 

The reason why I bring this up, is because today she faced a huge ordeal at El Paso Comic Con, and this is what I came to hear about today on her facebook, and over the phone.

——-

My friend’s words: 

“I don’t even know how to put into words what just happened to me. I am still physically shaking. Today at El Paso Comic con I tried to bring in a pasta because I was hungry and hadn’t eaten since yesterday. I was told by staff I couldn’t bring it in so I asked to bring it in anyway because I am vegetarian and can’t eat hotdogs and chicken salads.
They brought over their main supervisors and the head lady began to harshly try to put power over me saying “cons don’t allow food you can’t” she tried to discredit me by asking how many cons I do and how many let food in.
I began to explain again to the other person about how I cannot eat certain foods and as the conversation continued I began to feel an anxiety attack coming on and tears were already happening.
THEN THIS LADY TAKES OUT HER CAMERA TO FILM ME HAVING AN ANXIETY ATTACK.
I ask her to please stop filming me. She put her phone away but surely she still recorded the rest of my conversation without my consent.
The head of the con allows me my food in but at this point I am so anxious I can’t eat.
THEN I bring my food to my friend to give hers to her and explain what happened.
THIS WOMAN FOLLOWS ME TO THE TABLE to “call me out” on lying about being the only one at my table. (I am in full panic attack mode and very upset and not ok)
I explain (while still crying) that this is not my booth and I am giving her her food and telling her what happened. (she is the only one at her booth just like she told her, but this woman falsely accused her simply to destroy her.) 
She then tells me that I have to pack up my stuff and leave the convention. I tell her that I paid for my spot and am staying. (Not just as attendant but an exhibitor with paper work, paying for her spot) She begins to scream at me to “take a chill pill” and go back to my table.
Once I’m at my table I am in such a bad shape a friend of mine HAD TO GET A MEDIC. This panic attack lasted OVER AN HOUR and I am STILL shaking.

I am utterly humiliated and heartbroken. I loved this convention but I will not be coming back now. I have not had such a terrible attack in almost a YEAR.

This is something I am scared to post on Facebook but I know it’s important to let people know what’s going on. When my service animal can’t even help me because I have nearly stopped breathing, you know there’s a problem.”

——-

It’s not like me to make posts about this, the only other time I have is when the issue with UltimaAlmighty happened and even then I still don’t even think he deserved the ending he got despite me telling my share of the story. but this?.., is not ok. 

I want to contact the head manager or either the convention center, or of el Paso Comic Con and report this issue about the supervisor handling a situation that should have been dealt with care, and communication, not a power trip and following her with ill intent only to make hasty accusations that she is innocent of,- so far as to induce her with the worst anxiety attack where she literally couldn’t breath. (and her service animal for emotional support rendered useless). However, my problem here is that I don’t know how to contact the head of El Paso Comic Con. Does anyone know how? My friend was wronged, and I want the head to know about what their supervisor did. 

2

I am utterly disgusted with the way United airlines handled this man. They actually knocked the shit out of him(a doctor that paid money for that flight and dragged him off the plane as if he were an animal.)
Here’s the video if you haven’t seen it:

https://youtu.be/STJQnu72Nec

However what bothers me the most is the reply from their douchebag, corporate CEO who clearly doesn’t give three fucks about the incident and just wants to damage control the brand. Fuck united Airlines

Here’s the link to his statement:

https://twitter.com/united/status/851471781827420160