i am trying really hard to love myself more

Get Some Rest

A/N: Fluffy!Shawn below hehehe. This is my first time to ever post any writing to Tumblr, so I am EXTREMELY nervous. I apologize for the name (I suck at those). Thank you to everyone who has helped me edit and reedit this imagine 20 times. You are all so appreciated. I hope you like it. Feedback is appreciated.

 I stretch my arms out and turn over.


I lay in the bed, and I could see the light was still on in the office down the hall.

How long had I been asleep?

I look at the clock. 3 a.m.

Shawn had been working since about midnight on a melody he discovered earlier that day while playing around on his guitar. He wants the song to be perfect and that’s understandable, but this late?? I slide out of the bed and let out a troubled breath as my feet hit the cold floor. Walking down the hall quietly, there sits Shawn with his back turned to me. He’s still hard at work, strumming chords and scribbling incoherent thoughts on paper like he’s been doing for the past 2-3 hours. Standing behind him, I wrap my arms around his neck, kiss the top of his head before resting my chin on it. He places his warm hand on my arm and lowers his head to kiss my skin.

“Hello darling, what are you doing awake so late?”

He is concerned about my sleep which is sweet, but the boy has to get some rest of his own. He has spent many long nights in this office for the past week, and I was beginning to worry that he was overworking himself. He is obsessed with perfection, but he is in desperate need of a break.

“I was sleeping until a bright ass light woke me up. I wonder who’s fault that may be,” I giggle in his ear, “it’s late and you really should get some sleep”.

He laughed softly, “I’m so close though. Really babe, it’s all coming together so perfectly. Just listen”. His voice now sounding like an eager child. I comply and sink down beside him in the chair, and he smiles as he begins to play. He starts to play an euphonious tune. Of course everything he plays is beautiful but this was different. So raw and pure. I could see Shawn was proud of it because he couldn’t stop smiling as he strummed the chords slowly.

“You’re right baby, it’s incredible. But why don’t you come to bed, and you can finish the rest tomorrow?” I suggest leaving a small kiss on his check.

He actually looks at me for the first time since I had walked into the room and cracks a smile when notices I have on his big t-shirt. God, when he looks at me with that smile. That beautiful, bright smile that makes my heart flutter. That smile could break me at any moment. That smile, is mine.

“Why are you looking at me like that, Mendes?”

“Oh nothing,” he stops his gaze, “you have the most gorgeous bedhead is all. Very sexy”

Letting out an embarrassing chuckle, I hit his chest as he winks, grabbing my wrist to pull me into his lap. He looks at the shirt I’m wearing again and raises his eyebrow.

“Oh, so THAT’S where my favorite shirt went. I was beginning to think it grew legs and disappeared,” he puts his guitar down and pulls me into a tight embrace.

He puts his head on my shoulder and lets out a soft sigh. He is tired, but he is too afraid to admit it. He wants to finish this song tonight, but he needs sleep. I reach up and start to run my fingers through his hair.

“Come on love, let’s get some sleep. You can continue this in the morning”

I get up and begin to pick of his papers that contained failed attempts at lyrics he had discarded throughout the room. He looks at me and opens his mouth as if to protest, but he finally gives in and starts to help me clean up the office. He put his important papers inside his laptop and closes it. Once we picked everything up, he put his guitar on the stand and we headed for our bedroom. I got into the bed and buried myself into the covers while Shawn got ready for bed. I giggled to myself as I could hear him humming his newly discovered tune as he brushed his teeth. He is such a goober, and I adore his cute little quirks. I am pulled out of my thoughts as I hear the water shut off and the door open. He’s just in his boxers. God, does he look sexy as ever. His defined abs and toned arms. I have to control myself. NONot tonight. He needs sleep. I try and remind myself. He gets into bed and cuddles up to my side.

“Do did you really like what I have so far lyrically, darling?”

Shawn loves getting feedback. It has always been something he has craved from the people close to him. He truly values my advice and it makes my heart flutter to know that he takes it into the utmost consideration.

“Yes it was beautiful. It has a more edgy sound. Different from your other songs, but I honestly think it’s a good different. To me, it shows you’re really growing as an artist, and I am so proud of you. You work so hard, and it is really paying off for you, love. I just wish you wouldn’t work yourself so hard all of the time. It’s okay to take a rest sometimes. Some people would even consider it healthy,” I tease as I poke his nose. He scrunches his face at my touch and smirks.

“I know baby, but I just want everything to be perfect, ya know? Even when I think I’m giving my all, I feel like I could still give more. So many people are relying on me and I don’t get a break just because I’m younger than the average artist. If anything, it makes me have to prove myself more to prove that I am meant to be ranked in the same category as bigger artist. But I do understand where you’re coming from, darling. I love you so much. I promise I will try and cut myself more slack”

I smile and lean up to kiss him softly murmuring a soft “I love you” between us. I adore his ambition and passion so much. He is such a genuine person, and I am so thankful that he is mine, all mine. He wraps his arms around me and hugs me tight. Leaving a tender kiss on my forehead. He fingers then trail down my back and go underneath my shirt as he caresses the small of my back. His touch sending shivers down my spine. He was drawing shapes into my back as my eyes grew tired.

“Are you ready to go to sleep yet, love? You really need some rest,” I yawn against his chest. He giggles at my words which were barely audible, but he got the gist. He leaves a lingering kiss my forehead one last time.

“Are you positive that you’re tired though? There are so many other things we could to you know…” he says and I look up in disbelief and let out a chuckle at his words. This kid is actually suggesting this when it is almost 4 in the morning. Got to give him props for trying.

“Shawn it is late and YOU should be asleep anyways. The whole reason I brought you to bed was for you to rest. Not for you to score. Not tonight, no sir. Ask me again in the morning and maybe you’ll get lucky,” I say as he lets out a soft laugh.

“Alright alright, goodnight my love,” he buries his face into the blanket before whispering, “better make the morning worth my while then”

I giggle as I slap his chest with my tiny hand.

He gives me one last kiss before I snuggle into his warm body. I loved being close to him. We didn’t always get to share moments like this, so I cherished the few we had. I always feel at ease when I have him here with me. He felt like home, he was my home.

The world is full of mysteries, but my favorite is how you came to love me.
—  I can only wonder how it all came together. It’s like losing a very important piece of the puzzle, maybe it was a piece of warm orange from the sun or the soft white from clouds– I found my lost piece within your gentleness. Most worries tend to just rain into the gardens that wither as the days go by, inch by inch, this is love finally getting it right. For you, I built a stairway to the moon. For you, I made moments last forever. You can color outside of the lines, I’ll edit our mistakes. My art teacher used to say there’s no such thing as a mistake in art, there’s only a new opportunity. So what if I scrape my knees a few more times? Get up and keep running, I’ll run until I stop stumbling. I’ll run until I’m out of breath. So what if love catches a cold? Sleep with your empty thoughts and drink some tea, these days I desperately cling to your arms. It has been this way, you’re always there. I can’t keep myself sober long enough to feel the pain, I don’t want to remember. You say, until your fears are dealt with, you’ll always hide behind such words like don’t leave; was I ever good enough? Sure I was, but just not for you. Dip my fingers into my regrets, write my poetry without my need for self-destruction. It’s just words, just a few bones, just a chip of your heart– ask me tomorrow if I should stay and I’ll ask right back, why not today? Lost in a lostness as deep as the color of your eyes, I lose my judgment, I feel weak, I need you even if I feel like I don’t need you. They say that if it’s real, then it must hurt. They say that writers know how to coat a lie as a beautiful truth– I don’t know what’s worse. The fact that you used to love me or the fact that I don’t love you anymore. And that’s why I hate writing about best friends and love. They go hand in hand, bullet for bullet. Scar for scar, starshine for starshine. What’s love is love. What’s gone is gone. It’s strange that strangers fall in and out of love just to repeat the vicious cycle. This is poverty of the soul, this is the cave for solemn hearts. This is how my heart breaks when your name is heard, this is how my heart feels when I think about you and it’s no longer the same. The world means so much more with you in it, but it’s so much better after the hurt fades away. These are the ways that I love you, these are the ways that I hate you. They are one and the same. They are the same sides of a coin. The truth is, the more you love someone– you’ll soon realize you could hate them just as much. I didn’t mean for us to end up like this, life has pointed out a simple fact– I am a moron with no bounds. Treat someone like trash and you’ll end up alone. You come back around as a backup plan, you come back around as a secret blueprint. Make more friends, strange modern day friendships– all of the best people, I’ve never even met. It goes back to my personality, it’s hard to trust people because I barely trust myself. It’s hard to love people because I really don’t even know how to love myself. But to try. The measurements of try holds large increments of your heartbeat– the louder the thump, the more I’ve known you. The truer your honesty, the more I’m loyal towards you. I have no doubts about you. I only know lightness as pure as the sun’s. These are the days when I can breathe and not feel rejection being inhaled. These are the days when my heart feels fragile, but I can still move around. These are the ways that I love you and darling, it knows no limitations. I feel each door inside of this heart being left open– maybe you’ll make it home some day, maybe I’ll make it home some day. Chasing after a feeling because of my empty, that is a problem you’ve never given me. If I could spell love a thousand times, it’d always be you. There was once a quote on Tumblr about the word you– you see that’s the magic about words. No matter how many times we spell it, you’ll only see one face. When I think about the word love, it’s you.
Thank you for your honesty - Alexander Skarsgard x Reader

Title: Thank you for your honesty

Pairing: Alexander Skarsgard x Reader

Warnings: None

Prompt: Reader is the leading lady in a new television program and is Italian. Alex is her co-star and has the biggest crush on her and thinks her accent or when she speaks Italian is sexy. And during a interview (Ellen,Cordon,Fallen,etc) he let’s it slip live. So he’s really nervous the next day while shooting.. He sees Reader and goes up to apologise incase he embarrassed her, but she takes him by surprise and kisses him passionately. Reader tells him she loves him in Italian then smut

A/N: I didn’t feel ready to write a real person smut yet, apologies! Hopefully if I can do so soon, I will make one for Alex as well!

“Come on, why are you so nervous? You have more than 24 hours till the interview and you’re freaking out for no reason.” you said with a giggle, handing him his own coffee as he sighed for a moment, throwing his head back all-too-dramtically.

“You don’t understand, I’m going to mess up and it’s going to be everywhere in a matter of seconds.” he groaned, running a hand down his face before taking a large sip of the coffee you offered him.

“Oh come on Alex-” you rolled your eyes, resting your head on his shoulder and getting comfortable on the couch next to him “Don’t be such a drama queen, you’ve had plenty of interviews before this one and you’ll have just as many. I still can’t understand how nervous you can get before each and every one of them! Just relax and everything will be fine.” you said, wrapping and arm around his torso.

“Easier said than done.” he sighed, resting his chin on top of your head “You are always so optimistic about things I don’t know how you do it.”

“Tutto per il caffè!” you said with a giggle and that accent he secretly loved to death as he looked down at you, raising an eyebrow and a small smirk, which only made you laugh more “It’s all because of the coffee!” you explained and he grinned, nodding his head.

“And for a second I thought it was all because of me.” he said with a chuckle and you laughed, hugging him.

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Hey Everyone!

I have a very sad but important announcement to make :(

I am going off tumblr. I might return when the next SJM book is released but I am going. I will miss all of you so, so much and it is really hard for me to leave. I love all of you and consider all of you my friends.

I know this is the right thing for me. I have school, and I’m planning to get a source of income not from a part time job. I am going to try and create something. It could be a blog, I might try and write a book. But I have a life that isn’t part of the online world and I feel like I am detaching myself more and more from the real world.

I am so sorry to all of my friends on here. I am so sorry to all my followers, mutuals and buddies.

I hope everyone here succeeds in life. I hope you all stay happy, healthy and amazing. I wish you the best of luck and remember…

Don’t let the hard days win 💕

(I will also be leaving the courts on discord)

ace-on-ice  asked:

Just wanted to tell you that I've been saying "no" to my family when they pressure me to do things, "no" to the part of me that says I'm not worthy of being confident/loving myself, instead I've been trying to be myself. It's hard, I've been my family's version all my life and I don't really like who I am, but I think I'll be ok. I'll figure it out, somehow. I like this more confident version of me. My family thinks I'm rebellious, but I'm just not taking their shit anymore. :D



SCM - The God reaction when an old age MC ask him to leave her (Next 6 gods)

I will be using the same prologue and link to the first 6 gods is as below.


Your health is getting worst every day and you know that your days are numbered. You guy has been taking care of you but you feel like a burden to him. You do not want to let him feel that he has the obligation to take care of you. So you decide to ask him to leave you alone.

“I won’t blame or hate you for leaving me. Who would love an old woman?” You said weakly to him one day.

From their POV

I felt so powerless upon hearing what she had said. Why can’t I even able to protect the woman I love? However, I know she will be more upset if I shut myself again.

“You are the one who give me the strength to love. So I will be using this strength to find you again in your next life. Be sure to accept my love by then.” I forced a smiled out as I said to her, but my tears start rolling down.

She tried to wipe away my tears by lifting her hand but I quickly gripped her hand before she can do so. She smiled while closing her eyes and soon passed on. I kissed her forehead and my tears can’t stop flowing down. I will find her no matter what happen. I promise myself that.

Why is she keeping her feeling to herself when she taught me to open out my feeling? Does she really think that I will believe what she said? It’s just breaking my heart more.

“You not just open out the feeling in my heart but also stolen the heart from me. So I am going to find you again and have that feeling once again. Just bear in mind that you are the only one I love.” I tried to hold back my tears as I hold her in my arms.

I can feel her gripping my hands gently and feel her soft breathing. Her breathing getting softer and softer, eventually I can’t feel anything anymore. I know she is gone but I still can’t bear to let go of her. My tears flow down as I once told myself to look for her in her next life.

I don’t understand why she is doing this to me. That’s just hurt my heart even more upon hearing it. She never taught me true love can be painful as well but I guess I figure out now.

“It’s really hurt to hear you said that to me. Therefore, I am going to find you in your next life so that you can heal my heart again. I will be cuddling you a lot more by then.” I smiled wryly, trying hard to hold back my tears while cuddling her in my arms.

She smiles and her tears flow down. I can feel her breathing getting weaker and weaker as the times went by. As night fall, I continued to hold her in my arms. I know she was gone for a long time but I just can’t bear to let her go. I will find her in her next life no matter what happen.

Somehow I feel like I am causing her pain as I am not able to keep my promise to stay with her forever. I know she does not mean that but I hate myself for unable to keep the promise.

“Sorry, I am not able to fulfil my promise to stay with you forever. To honour my promise to you, I will find you again in your next life. Will you give me another chance to stay with you and love you?” I asked emotionally while gazing into her eyes.

She smiled with watery eyes and gives me a soft nod. I hold her tightly in my arms and my tears can’t stop flowing down. She soon passed on and I used my power to warm up her body. I still do not want to accept the fact that she was really gone. I promise to look for her and stay with her once again.

I thought I will be ready to face this when I saw the vision back then. However, I am still not able to control my emotion. I cry out badly especially hearing what she told me.

“You give me hope to live on, so you can’t just ask me to leave you like that. It’s really hurt me. I am going to look for you again in your next life. Please give me hope to stay on. Please..” I cried uncontrollably as I hold her in my arms.

She gripped my arms slightly and I can feel her tears flowing down. She nodded her head before her breathing was gone. I tighten my hold on her and repeatedly telling myself that I will keep myself alive to find her again.

It’s really turn my world upside down again hearing her said that but I know she meant well for me. She accepted me and I accepted her regardless of how she aged.

“You are the one that accepted me. Why would I leave you now? You have not fully taken responsibility for turning my world upside down yet. So I will look for you and love you in your next life. You are going to fulfil the responsibility then.” I smiled sweetly at her, not wanting to make her worry.

She smiled weakly at me and holds my hand. I kissed her forehead and tears flow down her cheeks before she closed her eyes. I knew she was gone at that instant. The tears which I am trying to hold back, flow down immediately. I am going to find her for sure as she is the only one I love.

A Child of the Gods

Chapter 2

WARNING: Starting from this chapter forward there will be spoilers about the gods stories so if you haven’t read them yet you may want to hold off on reading my sequel until you do. However I will post which gods will have the spoilers at the beginning of each chapter so if you wish to continue you will know what to look out for.

(Series Rating E)

Spoiler Alert- 


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This is a rant but, like, you know. It would be nice if you read, if, like. You have patience and time? idk lmao

 (adm: Hey guys!! Some things are kind of getting out of control, and honestly I don’t even know where to start, but…! I’m putting this under a cut because it’s so long lmao [I APOLOGIZE IN ADVANCE]

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deleteee  asked:

hey! so a little while ago i decided to watch The Break Up because apparently i love pain and i was thinking about the line where Santana says that she used to count Britt's smiles during their sophomore year. do you think Santana realized she loved Brittany that early on? because in 2x15 she says that she's done a lot of thinking and has come to realize that she loves her.. anyway, i was just wondering what your take on that "counting smiles" line is?

Hey, @deleteee​!

Do I think Santana realized that she loved Brittany early on? Yes and no, really.

On a subconscious level, Santana knows that she is in love with Brittany right from the very beginning. Her heart flutters when Brittany says cute things. It cheers when Coach Sylvester pairs her and Brittany up for stunts. When Kurt sings a song about “home” being a person, it tells her that she should lay her head on Brittany’s shoulder. When Brittany kisses her, it causes heat to bloom over her skin. Later on, when she finds out that Brittany is steady dating Artie, it shatters into a thousand pieces in her chest. Her every interaction with Brittany causes her to feel unique, powerful feelings unlike anything she feels for anyone else, and there’s a name for those kinds of feelings, and she knows exactly what that name is.

But just like Santana can’t help but feel love for Brittany, she also can’t help but feel fear when she considers what might happen if her love for Brittany were to become known. She has a super conservative, church-going grandmother who might potentially disown her and scads of enemies at WMHS who will pounce on her at the first sign of weakness. She’s watched resident out gay boy Kurt Hummel get beaten up and pushed around and bullied for as long as she can remember. Plus, she can’t even be sure if Brittany really reciprocates her feelings, particularly given that she fears that she is perhaps patently unlovable.

So on a conscious level, Santana won’t acknowledge that she’s in love with Brittany. Her mind expends a ton of energy trying to sublimate and repress her feelings. If she ever gets close to considering the truth in her conscious thoughts, her brain goes, “Wait a minute! What about Puck and all those other boys?,” running interference, not allowing her to fall down the proverbial rabbit hole. It won’t let her go any further than “best friends” or cop to any bigger feeling than “extreme fondness.” 

Her conscious mind always follows up on her subconscious impulses with caveats, objections, and the mental equivalent of sticking one’s fingers in one’s ears and shouting, “Nope! Nope! Nope!” 

For years, the same cycle plays out over and over again: the feeling comes first, then the reproving thought second—or often even simultaneously. Her heart and her head are constantly trying to win out over each other, and, for a long time, her head has the advantage. 

Only as time makes Santana older and her heart grows bolder and bolder does she find that her subconscious feelings increasingly become conscious thoughts—ones that her brain can’t ignore or overpower, no matter how hard it may try. 

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i don’t really talk about this because i am always afraid someone will try and hold it against me as “evidence” that im not really a boy but that post made me feel better so why not

I identified very strongly as a lesbian in the years before I realized I was trans? Like, it was a big part of my life. It was how I felt at that time when I didn’t know enough about my gender identity to have a more accurate label

And it’s really, really hard for me to suddenly separate myself from that mindset and community. I still love the lesbian community and I love wlw posts even tho they no longer apply to me, because, I mean, that was my life for awhile you know. That was still me. That’s part of my life experience. I still have the immediate reaction of “wow I’m gay” when I see a cute girl

Like as I grew up and explored my identity and self reflected, I came to the realization that im a boy, and I have no doubts about that now, but I don’t think that means I should have to erase those parts of my life

I know this may seem like a pointless selfie, but it took me a LOT to just post this. This is one of my biggest and most crippling insecurities. So here you go tumblr, this is what people irl see when I talk to them. Even just strangers in the hall at school will point it out. I have been teased, bullied, and rejected just because I have a stupid lazy eye. The torture hasn’t been so bad since I’ve started high school(thank god) but all through elementary and middle school it has caused me absolute hell. I don’t like being called a circus act. Every time I even tried to stand up for myself when being bullied about it, they ALWAYS say “omg are you even talking to me? Are you looking at me or over there? Haha freak” I’ve been trying so hard to love myself more, and I have to accept that this is part of who I am. It may not seem bad, but dealing with ridicule for 9 years have made me absolutely hate my eyes. I can’t take compliments of my eyes seriously, I can’t see past my stupid wondering eye. But I really want to take a step toward accepting this feature of myself. I see people on the street with lazy eyes, and I feel a little better about it because I know that I wasn’t alone in the ostracizing. This is a common condition but no matter how common it is, people are still going to be bullied over it. Which sucks. I just hope they’re happier with themselves than I have been, but hey, this is me. This is part of who I am. I know someone is going to love me past it, I just need to learn to love myself past it.

Hello Tumblr family.

This is me, in my total natural state. No make up, eyebrows not done, blemishes and marks on my skin, hair naturally curly and glasses because I’m blind as a bat. Self- love is appreciating all of what natural me has to offer.

I’m not perfectly shaped either. I don’t have big hips or a perfect butt or the perfect height.

However, my body is perfect enough for me!

Lately or over the past few months, my mental state has been all over the place. Dealing with an extremely hard break up and figuring out what I’ll be doing in my life career wise has been a tough journey. Even though I am doing better at coping without him, I feel like I’ve been pushed back emotionally. It’s hard to let anyone in and move on. But I guess that’s natural.

What I do want is to be really real with myself, love myself and appreciate all of my flaws(not gonna try to make myself look like a perfect IG model), love God more and trust in Him.

I have a long way to go, but I think I’ll be just fine.

anonymous asked:

hi, i'm an INFJ and i've been having some troubles explaining the issues i have with my emotions to my ISFJ mom. in a way, she dismisses these problems because she doesn't see the logic behind where these problems have come about. (most likely because she thinks i overreact) i'm trying so hard to see where she's coming from because i know i'm not a logical person but sometimes it just sucks because my emotions just feel so wrong. advice on how to convey how i feel so that she understands?

Oh, dude, sucks. Okay, friend. My pal. I am here for you. Dealing with unconsciously insensitive ISFJs is like my second majoring.

I just want to point out a few things first:

- Having problems caused by your emotions doesn’t mean you are not a logical person.

- The fact that a person doesn’t understand your problem doesn’t mean it is invalid.

With life as we experiment it, feelings exist to us. I am pretty sure I have written something at some point about Rational and Irrational feelings (I am hoping that when INTJ reads this, the nerd will direct you to the post in question or if doesn’t exist, point out to me that it doesn’t) [INTJ: not the way you’re wording it, you incompetent. Terrific™] and I think that might be useful. Because even though I am gonna try to help you in your interactions with your ISFJ mom, there is still the fact that your main problem sounds like you are having a hard time solving what your feelings create. In the end, by my experience, that’s the best way to deal with these things. But I am getting ahead of myself.

Okay, so INTJ understands mbti types in a much more rich way than I do. Because it is not “My thing” I haven’t read much on cognitive functions (I only read what my nerd writes, because I really love INTJ’s explanations) and my analysis tends to come with an understanding of the people around me and how I see them connect with their type. One of the reasons I let INTJ read all of my post first is because this means I can be wrong often and their corrections is a nice complement. The idea here is to keep in mind that your ISFJ mother is not my ISFJ friend (in the same way that you are not me) and even though some of these recommendations might work or might stand true because of the simmilarities, they are not an absolute.

This being said, I’ll start my rambling about the actual question:

First a little pessimism, because I can’t prevent myself from pointing out that more often than not you can’t force someone to understand. My ISFJ friend thought I was lazy and exaggerating for over a year, until they started feeling crushing sadness in their own way. It’s not they don’t care. It’s not they want to hurt. By my experience, my ISFJ was very worried and trying to be helpful: They thought I was being consumed by unrealistic feelings and that I just needed a push to realize I was being stupid. That might work for others, but it doesn’t for me. When I confide in someone and explain my feelings, if they react in a way that shames them, oh boy… I end up not sharing my emotions for a while. You have to live with the idea that even though you can perfect your communication skills to speak her language better… she might not get it until she lives something similar.

What I did was make them understand that we are different people. In the same way that the same glass of water can be perceived as hot or not depending on if I’ve been running under the sun for an hour and you’ve been watching netflix during that time.
I hate the idea that it is okay to tell someone that they are “Too sensitive” it is dismissing their feelings. I get that being sensitive means you might get hurt more often than not. I know that being chill and not reacting much to things has a cool appeal. I absolutely understand the fact that being high-strung sucks and that people usually take advantage of sensitive humans (for evulz or for the lolz).

But fuck the notion that kind, caring people are the problem.
Fuck that.

Let humans exist in a spectrum. Feelings are so so useful and so terribly informative. Listen to what they are saying and you can take a better direction in your live. That is what your mom should understand. The fact that you are having these intense feelings isn’t the problem, and therefore supressing them and treating them as something that shouldn’t exist is quite absurd (maybe don’t negate the question and then claim that’s the perfect answer, humans?).

It’s the equivalent of: you say “Mom, I have a headache”. Instead of you two trying to find out why you have to find a solution (maybe you’ve been having a poor diet and you should make a change in it, maybe you aren’t hidratated enough and need to have a glass of water), your mom answers “That’s silly, dear. You should be fine. Aren’t you sure you are not overreacting?”.

Maybe your mom is in a better shape than you and doesn’t get that many headaches, or she has a higher umbral of pain and your headache wouldn’t be such a big deal.
I just mean to say that your feelings are yours and dissmising them is a lot less logical than having them.

TL;DR: Feelings are useful, your mom seems to invalidate them because she doesn’t seem to see how they could be something else than a problem to you. Learn how to understand your feelings and improve using them. That will not only help your communication with her, but in the case she still doesn’t understand (because she hasn’t live something like that) you have now better tools to find a solution on your own.


The Wreckage Of Men Like Harvey Weinstein
Jennifer Siebel Newsom

The scope of the wreckage left by men like Harvey Weinstein, men like Bill O’Reilly, men like Bill Cosby, is vast.

I see it in myself, about 12 years after being violated by Harvey Weinstein, and over 25 years after being violated by my national soccer team coach.

The scars of these encounters do not define me, no. But they are there.

These past few weeks have been really hard. To see these stories told over and over and over again in great detail in the national news is both affirming and disruptive. I feel triggered all over again. And, I know I am not alone.

Sometimes the scars are more visible than other times. Sometimes the scars actually open and swell, making it hard to deny their existence.

I find myself entering familiar patterns of shame and self-punishment. Eating unhealthy foods late at night when I really should be in bed, trying desperately to comfort myself with something, anything, other than self-love. 

And, I’ve observed myself so out of body - neither present nor engaged. Anxious is a great way to describe my current state. It’s very lonely inside my head right now.

Hello everyone. I was not sure if I wanted so submit my picture here, but I thought why not. Firstly, I would like to thank the creator of this blog, because it makes me feel less lonely when it comes of having a strange, big nose. If talking about that, my nose is very very very ugly. I mean extremely ugly. It kind of ruins my life, because when I was younger I got bullied because of it, I got harsh comments which I can’t get over with even now. My nose is long, big and has a strange form. Besides that of course it had to be even uglier as it has a deep line ( i don’t really know how to explain it) going across the end of my nose and it is very visible. I freaking hate my profile, but what i can’t stand even more is ¾ side (if that makes sense). I try so hard to love myself the way I am but it’s just not working. When I see myself in the mirror, or a picture captured from a different side i just want to crawl into my sheets and never see daylight again. I had various occasions when i googled how mush would a nose job cost, but of course, i couldn’t afford that. So the only thing that is left is to love myself the way I am or at least try. My friends and family say that i look good and that my nose suits me and it doesn’t bother them, but I know they say that because they want to comfort me. I am not fucking blind and we can all see that it is fucking ugly.

So all of us, big nose owners, should just try to love ourselves, to rock our different and unique looks, even tho it’s very hard. But I think as we grow, we will pay less attention to it ant eventually get over it and live in peace and harmony with ourselves. 

I wish you all love and confidence!

(submitted by easylightly)

Dear Friends,

Sorry I have been so vacant and non-existent. I am trying really hard to interact but I got those dumb brain things telling me to give up and mind my own business. I miss you guys so much I just can’t bring myself to say more than one thing a day. If anything at all.

So much love,


orlesianhat  asked:

Hi :) I was wondering if you had any tips for keeping motivated for self-study every day? I always seem to go on 'binges' and study a lot, then burn out and go months without doing anything with Japanese. Even when I try and make the effort to slow down I eventually do less and less. After years, I'm probably only around N4 level. I sincerely love the language and want to be able to understand/use it but this 'all or nothing' problem is getting ridiculous. Thanks for your time :)

Hi! Sorry for the delay in my response to this, I’ve been mulling it over for a few days now.

The answer is in the question for me ‘every day’. I do some Japanese study every single day no matter what, even if it’s 10m fighting with myself every second of the way. This means that studying is built into my routine now and I have an unbroken study streak of studying every single day since 3rd January now, which alone is enough to make me do at least something on the worst days.

Studying no matter what and being motivated to do so are two different things though. Here has what’s helped me this year:

-Use SMART targets,

SMART targets should be:
Specific- exactly what will you be able to do, in detail. Hold a 3m conversation using everyday Japanese? Read Harry Potter and understand >80% of it? Be able to order in a restaurant? Understand typical kanji on menus? Goals like ‘read and understand 80% of a book’ are not specific enough, you need to say which book, or reading level.

Measurable- The outcome needs to be one you can test and check to see if you’ve achieved it or not. Think about how you’ll know you’ve reached your desired level.

Attainable- You need to be able to reach your goal within your current means, so having a goal of getting an MA in Japanese when you have absolutely no means of going to university is unfortunately not a SMART target, getting your Japanese to a standard where you can consistently pass the entry test to a Japanese MA within the next 6 months, however, might be a SMART target for some people.

Realistic- I tend to have all or nothing thinking, and think along these lines ‘From this day forward, I will study a minimum of 6 hours a day, every day, forever!’. I am the queen of unrealistic learning goals…

Timely- Within what time frame do you plan to reach your goal? Many of my past goals have fallen to the wayside purely because I have decided ‘This time I’m gonna be tough!’ and then struggle with the brutal regime I’ve set for myself, quickly failing and quitting entirely. This is no good in the long term. Be kind to yourself, you’ll keep going longer and clock up more study time overall that way.

-Log everything, every last minute, keep a running total and set weekly goals. I went into a lot of detail about this in the 7 posts that you can find here.

-I like totalisers, probably because they were all over TV in the 80s, so I make little grids that I colour in as I get closer to any goal.

-I switch book/topic whenever I’m bored, typically I’ll finish the page or section before moving on, but if I’m really sick of something I’ll just put it down and try to keep studying but with a different book or technique. This isn’t the most efficient way to learn, but it does mean that I keep going when I would otherwise just stop entirely for that day. This has done much to remove the sense of dread I have about certain tasks. I still hate SRS and kanji drilling, but I’m more inclined to make an effort if I know that I can do what I can stand and stop, without any guilt or berating myself, then go on to a different topic. No, I don’t study kanji enough, but I have studied them a lot more than I would’ve done if I’d continued trying to just force myself to learn x number of characters a day, no matter how long it took.

-Don’t be soft on yourself, but don’t brutalise yourself either. Balance is key! For me logging helps me to get honest with how much I’m doing, when I’m tired or bored I ask myself ‘Can you do 5m more?’ and more often than not I can, I squeeze in extra study which all adds up to hours overall. On a good day I try to ‘build up’ extra hours off that week’s total, which then allow me to have an easy day should I need to later in the week. When I am dead tired I stop and rest, but I make sure I go back the next day and keep going. On a week that’s good, I’ll do more than double my minimum target study time. I have no perspective and totally black and white thinking, so only by seeing objective evidence written down can I gain some perspective on what my progress really looks like.

-My goals are x number of HOURS of active Japanese learning a week, this means I can meet the goal by just trying, even if my best is really not up to scratch that week, even if I just don’t want to drill flashcards any more or write another kanji. I can rack up hours doing something rather than nothing.

For me what I am documenting is how hard I am trying to learn. I need recognition for my efforts, I love getting this from other people and am a total praise whore, but I also need it from myself. So anime counts, learning songs counts, going to karaoke and practising all Japanese songs for an hour counts. I don’t count conversations or messaging in Japanese on social media, or Tumblr, because then I’d slip into counting all my time with my BF as study time, when it really isn’t active learning.  I definitely don’t count having crunchyroll on in the background and not paying attention, I need to be actively listening to log it as study time. This article on Tofugu talks about quantity over quality and I’m trying to take that to heart.

- When possible study with others if this helps you, find a community online and take an active part, this helps me to know I’m not alone in hating transitive and intransitive verbs. It helps me see others who are role models and who I aspire to be like too.

- Make learning fun. I respond well to fixed short term goals (like Tadoku). Case in point- 3 weeks ago I had 100 kanji flashcards to study, my BF said he’d buy me a bottle of iced tea if I could read all the kanji on the flashcards in 10m. This made me stupid motivated, I failed the first time by about 5 cards, he wanted to buy me the tea anyway but I said no. I tried again that evening and did the lot in 6m. If you too are insanely competitive then this kind of challenge might help you. That tea tasted like victory.

-Find things you are excited by or curious about. This has been hard for me as I’m not massively into J-pop, anime or manga. I really enjoyed doing the Tadoku contest in March and found reading to be relaxing and enjoyable as well as very beneficial. I’ve found some songs I love and try to translate and learn them. The reason I want to learn Japanese is to be more involved in daily life here, I still feel very much on the periphery, this can mean studying at home is difficult, as study materials don’t necessarily directly relate to my goal, or at least not in an exciting way.

-Celebrate and embrace milestones. It’s hard to see any improvement in my Japanese when conversing with Japanese native speakers, maybe I’ve gone up about 2-5% in proficiency this year, that is hard for anyone to notice, but I know that that the only way to get better is in increments. It’s one reason why I’m using the JLPT as an arbitrary milestone, because I know I was failing mock tests at the start of the year and I’m not now, that is measurable improvement and I find that really helps motivate me.

The intermediate plateau is well-documented and sucks, but you can definitely get through it and gain the rewards of being able to really read and understand with much more ease the Japanese which is evading you at the moment.

TL:DR Of all this advice I think doing what you can and keeping going, but switching task when bored has been the most beneficial. A kinder, effort based, approach has helped me become a much more motivated student in the last 6 months.

TL:DR teachers are people, too

I’m most likely gonna be very scarce on social media (as you may have noticed) for a while. I don’t know how long. I’ve just taken up my first position as a teacher, while also attempting to finish my magister’s essay in English and get my license to teach. Oh and we’re renovating the bedroom too!

Being a new teacher, with very little understanding of how the organisation works, both at administrative and practical levels, is very time-consuming and stressful. Term started less than 2 weeks ago and my stomach has pretty much crashed already. I have had a constant headache since last Monday. Last weekend I missed a wedding ceremony and this week I missed a meeting with my boss. All very alarming signs of stress syndrome in my case.

I’ve still gone to work every day, because as a teacher, one cannot really just call in sick and hand over your responsibilities to someone else. Only I know the lesson I’ve planned to give my students, after all, and I alone know their needs in my particular classroom. If I were to call in sick; I would still need to do a full hand-over of eveything I’ve meant to teach during the time I’ll be away, and seeing as I don’t always know that myself, what with the lack of planning-time, I cannot just be ill in peace but will have to work on lesson plans from home in order to give the substitute teacher a chance…

Sorry, I don’t mean to rant about my work, I’m sure none of you are really interested in all this, but I just… 

I knew it would be hard work. I’ve always known. And I welcome challenges like unmotivated students, or students who have special needs in regards to language barriers etc. I really do! I love to try and find different kinds of assignments and I relish in the chance to explain over and over with a hundred tiny variations so that a student can finally understand what is asked of them.

But I am now responsible for the education of nearly 70 teenagers, most of which are completely indifferent both in relation to myself and the subject I long to make them enjoy. More than ten of them are not only indifferent but quite obviously unimpressed with me and my efforts to the point of being really fucking annoying. One or two have already mastered the ability to get a rise out of me. 

I really need to get more resilient, losing my temper is not gonna make any of them respect me more. And I feel incredibly sorry for the students who have to hear me shout at their classmates and disrupt their focus all the time. But… Honestly, it is a bit of a shock. I’ve always understood the lack of motivation during these years in school, hell I was a really bad student myself, and I know other things get in the way as well… But. I have never talked to an adult the way some of these kids talk to me. 

I don’t know where I am going with this. I suppose… I wanna ask any and all of you who are still in school to please, please be kind to your teachers. We work so incredibly hard, and it fucking hurts when all that energy is just waved off as though we are some annoying fly getting in the way of what the students find more important. It would be very nice to be able to see that the people I teach care as much about their education as I do.

In love times two...

I haven’t blogged in awhile so I thought it was time to check in with all you beautiful people. So I want to start by saying I am very lucky poly girl, I have two loves, most supportive loving husband ever, and my very caring devoted boyfriend. I am in a situation where I feel very secure and have stopped looking for anything more. My heart is so full of love. I have ran into a couple of struggles with this new amazing journey I have started to take and imagine there to be more. All and all I am so very happy. I wasn’t even actively looking for another love when my boyfriend fell into my life, I was trying to heal from a broken heart and there he was waiting for my love without even knowing it. It all started with a whisper. I am very lucky to have found something so real and I could see us having a future together which is scary but very exciting. My husband has had to overcome some struggles with how real this situation is compared to all the others, but he has come so far and he is so amazing in the way he loves me and supports me in my relationship with my new love. They haven’t yet met but both are very open to it. I know I just have to let things happen naturally but sometimes it’s hard and I catch myself trying to play god in the situation. Lucky enough both of my men are patient while I am trying to figure out how to just let go and let love. I feel so loved and lucky to be able to know what it’s like to really love two individuals. I have wanted exactly this for so long and here I am, We have finally arrived, LIving this out to the fullest. I am loving with everything I am and making long lasting memories. I can’t wait to see what’s to come. I have so much more to say about this but I have stuff to do, and people to see, So till next time my loves. Have a good day and thank you for reading.

-Nikki <3

Talking is hard and conversations are harder and I am not really doing the latter rn. If I seem distant, it’s just my anxiety/depression kicking my ass. I love you, and I am trying to take it easy on myself and rest up so I can be more me. Sorry I’m neglecting you. I promise it isn’t your fault.