i am too much of a perfectionist

This is something I hope all of my followers and the entire studyblr community will read…

Last year was the hardest year of my life and I did not even notice it until I was out of it. To give a little background, I was 19, and becoming a college senior. I completed my bachelor’s degree with a double major, summa cum laude. I worked two jobs, one retail, one as a tour guide, five days a week, and took seven classes in the fall, and eight in the spring, and six in the summer. By March I had lost 16 pounds, was not eating, not sleeping, and drinking four or more cups of coffee a day. I had a boyfriend, friends, a roommate, I was president of a club, vice president of another, and working as vice president of one club’s international leadership program as one of five student board members across sixty-three countries. I studied for my LSAT, took the exam, and applied to law school. And in August, I will be the youngest person in my law school.

I pushed myself harder and further than I ever imagined, and though I sometimes (often) felt like it, I never cracked, gave up, or even collapsed. I did not always take care of myself, physically, mentally, or emotionally though, and I failed myself there, but I was so driven, so determined, that none of that mattered to me at that moment. I do not regret that or any of the choices I have made, but I pressured myself more than anyone ever has, and more than I ever have. I accomplished unbelievable things, but at an insane cost - my health.

Often in this community I receive messages, and see posts, encouraging you to never give up, and to always push yourself to get that A, pass that test, graduate, or to overcome whatever academic or otherwise challenges you are facing. Almost daily I receive messages asking how I do it. “How did you graduate at 20?”, “How do you keep up with all of your commitments?”, and even, “You are so amazing, I could never do it like you do”. But I am here to tell you well, it is not pretty. I went days without eating a meal at times. Days without washing my hair, of wearing the same torn leggings and a hoodie because a grade meant more to me than I meant to myself. I got walking pneumonia at the end of the spring term because I had pushed myself too hard and spent weeks telling myself I could not afford to be sick today, tomorrow, or the next day. I wore myself down so much that I had a doctor literally tell me that now at 20 years old, if I do not tone down the stress and pressure I subject myself to, that I could give myself a stroke. A stroke, 20 years old!

Being a perfectionist, and being so overwhelmingly addicted to my studies, is not glamorous.

I am making this post not to brag about my accomplishments, but because I receive messages daily idolizing me and what I have done. I want everyone to know that this is not easy. Having a dream is hard work, and I have been unfairly hard on myself. Just because you do not see someone’s cracks and scars, does not mean they are not there. I have worked hard, and have earned these things, but I have made sacrifices I would hate to see anyone else make.

In 10 days I move across the country to start law school, and I am terrified that I will allow myself to do this all over again. I am not afraid of the move, or of law school, but of myself and how I talk to myself and treat myself, and the amount of stress and pressure I am willing to apply to myself, without hesitation. In a month I have law school orientation, and have set up a meeting with one of the school’s onsite trauma therapists. I refuse to let myself be my own greatest roadblock. I have to learn to love myself. It is not fair to your body and mind to put grades above yourself. I now full heartedly believe that a grade is not worth your health. I will no longer break my back bending over backwards for an A+. I will no longer let myself go days without food and rest because I want this essay to be perfect, or my presentation to go as planned, second by second. I will allow myself to be happy, well rested, well fed, and healthy. I will love myself, and this is a promise I am making to myself and to all of you, and a promise I hope you all can make to yourselves as well.

I promise.

TLDR; Be dedicated, and determined to get what you want, but do not sacrifice your health, mental, physical, or emotional, for a grade, a diploma, a degree… You are worth so much more than a letter on a piece of paper, and it is okay to sometimes need to hear that. I know I did.

Hey babes! My valentine for you this year is a simple Self-Love tarot spread.

1. Something to love about myself.
What’s so great about me? What am I getting right in life? What makes me special? What can I love about myself right now?

2. Where in life can I be more patient with myself?
What am rushing myself to do? Where am I in such a hurry to grow that I need to take a breath and slow down? In what areas of life am I too much of a perfectionist?

3. Where in life can I be kinder to myself?
Do I treat myself the same way I treat others? What unimportant stuff have I been beating myself up about? How can I treat myself better?

4. Energies and strategies to draw on.
What energies can I bring in, and what strategies can I use to foster a better relationship with myself?

This spread can also be used to review and improve relationships with others. Just ask all the same questions about your relationship.

Wishing you all a happy Valentine’s Day! Much love!

What it’s like to be autistic

I posted this on reddit in reply to someone asking about what it’s like to be on the spectrum. It ended up being really long so I thought I’d repost it here just for sharing’s sake. Slightly edited for formatting, but otherwise untouched.  Also if this actually ends up getting reblogged, this post is SFW but be warned that my Tumblr is often NSFW and I don’t tag shit, so remember that if you get curious and look at other posts.

As always, individual experiences will vary, and no two autistic people have the same life experiences or symptom expression. These are my own.

— (begin post) —

Different person here, but still on the spectrum (aspergers).

For me, in description rather than just declaration of the actual diagnosis, it’s many things.

It’s having no social intuition and relying on consciously analyzing social situations in order to navigate them. Constantly being unsure if you’re saying the right thing, or if you understood what the other person was saying if they were being figurative. Having extreme issues telling the difference between what’s literal and what’s a joke. Accidentally offending people by saying something you thought there was nothing wrong with, but was actually a major social faux pas. Rarely having the right words to say when you’re supposed to be speaking, and always having too much to say about things that it is obvious that nobody else seems to care about. Also, it is difficult to learn and understand and continually interpret appropriately when you’re socially expected to be dishonest. Until countless bad experiences broke me of it, I assumed the average person was far more honest than they actually were - it took until my early 20s (I’m 25 now) to start to clue in to the fact that neurotypicals lie constantly, and that not only is this normal, it’s expected. I had always been someone who overshared and avoided mistruths (it’s often said that aspies actively seek and expect truths and facts), and it took a conscious effort to break myself of this social incongruity. I still overshare more than a normal person, to a great degree.

It’s being unable to natively read body language. Imagine that you went to Mexico with Spanish as a second language, and only started to learn Spanish as an adult. Maybe you even got pretty good at Spanish, but yours is still not perfect. It’s not natural to you, it always seems to take a second longer for you to “get it” compared to native speakers, and many things which are commonplace conversation to any native speaker always seem to get lost on you, no matter how many times you hear it. You’ll always be missing something. For me, it’s quite like that with body language - it’s artificial and disconnected, it doesn’t come naturally, and it’s an intentional effort to really try to both convey yourself in a socially expected fashion and an active attempt to understand others’ body language beyond the most basic of examples. Body language feels like a second language to me.

It’s having difficulties processing and tolerating environmental stimulation and sensory input (especially sound, in my case). Some things that don’t bother anyone else will bother the fuck out of me, especially particularly strong or strange bad smells, or overstimulating lights or color patterns, or extremely loud but varied noise (loud consistent noise doesn’t bother me, but if it’s varied it drives me insane - this is part of why crowds are awful), or particularly unusual textures and tastes (I’m the pickiest eater I know because I get extremely strong negative reactions to bad textures and tastes in my mouth, to the point where I will gag if I try to force myself to eat something that’s very unpleasant). Touch can be pretty bad too - “weird” feeling objects, especially slimy/wet/cold things, feel incredibly awkward and unpleasant to touch or be in contact with most of the time (this is probably why I waste way too much water doing the dishes, in addition to my perfectionist nature and germophobia/aversion to uncleanliness).

Processing sound can be especially difficult - I am not hard of hearing, but I genuinely thought that I was before I learned of my condition. I can hear extremely quiet things just fine, but I have great difficulty discerning details when there are many noises in contest, which leads to me having to ask people to repeat themselves constantly in mixed (and especially noisy) environments.

Eye contact. Important enough that it deserves its own subheading separate from body language. Simply put, it doesn’t come naturally. I will often have entire conversations with people without ever looking at them, and unless I am consciously forcing myself to make eye contact, if I ever speak about something at length I will inevitably avert my eyes in some random direction without ever thinking about why I’m doing so, or even noticing that I’ve done so. Further, direct eye contact induces a lot of anxiety, stress, and unpleasantness - particularly with people that I am unfamiliar with or not on friendly terms with, eye contact can be downright painful.

Speaking of anxiety, social anxiety is very often comorbid with the autism spectrum. And it’s awful. It’s terrifying to interact with new people with no preexisting social context, and still kind of scary when there is a social context. I get tremors when I have to make phone calls or write important emails, I tap my feet and pace around with my phone in hand like an idiot walking aimlessly. I briefly worked as a cashier at a dollar store, and quit very quickly because I was having panic attacks and nearly vomiting just from having to make constant direct social interactions with a steady flow of strangers with a performance expectation (handling money accurately while being watched). And it’s more than just communication - this sounds silly, but I literally cannot dance in front of other people - like, in private it looks silly but I can *technically* do it, but in front of other people, I will freeze up and be unable to do anything if I try, as if I am paralyzed or frozen in place, minus nervous fidgeting or twitching. And in general SA is so pronounced that it could have its own entire post dedicated to it.

On the note of OCD that you asked, there exists some small overlap sometimes, and I definitely experience on a mild level the neurotic paranoia and compulsive feelings that are commonly associated with it, but I would not say that I have OCD, just some symptom overlap.

And there’s so much more to it (this is probably ~half? of the things? ish?), but I’m getting to an awfully long post already (far longer than I expected to end up writing), and I’d rather not make people read even more wall of text. I hope this helps feed your curiosity.

— (end post) —

I probably should have rewritten this for tumblr, but I didn’t want to put in the effort to reassemble it. I think it mostly stands up without major changes anyway. Just wanted to share.


Welp. Okay so we’re doing this.

He knows he has to tell her. Every small action that’s ever transpired between them is all leading up to this final moment, these few seconds. Their life changes once his feet finish crossing the room to where she stands, looking more like herself than she ever has. His hands find movement before his voice finds words, one hand coming to cup her face. She looks surprised, but he can see in her eyes she isn’t, she’s been waiting for this as long as he has.

“I want to tell you-”

“Please,” her voice is barely above a whisper, and he feels his own anxiety multiplied by her plea. He doesn’t know what she’s asking, but he desperately wants to press on, to let her discover what they can create together. “I don’t want to lose you.”

“You can’t,” he immediately assures her, pulling her closer to him. “You could never lose me. I’m bonded to you.”

“And I won’t abuse that!”

“You could never!

“Cut!” Kid cried, breaking Soul’s concentration and also the dialogue he had been effortlessly running for his character the first time since he had started this damn film. He watches Maka drop character too, her misty awe fading into annoyance very quickly.

The set busts forth with action, makeup artists retouching Maka’s makeup while Soul zeros in on his PA, Tsugumi’s faithful self already has his cigarette out of the pack and his lighter in one hand, and a trenta iced black coffee in the other. She gives him a grin, and he nods back at her. Maka’s agent slithers up between them two of them, massive grin on his face.

“Damn! The chemistry between you two is wild! It’s amazing, usually we can’t get Maka to emote for shit.”

“I can still fire you whenever, you know.” Maka spits at her blue haired agent, glare reflected in his shades. He scoffs, smacking Soul on the back hard, and completely pushing him off his mark. Kid howls in anguish, stomping over to his two leads.

Usually, Soul wouldn’t work on a movie like this. He’s better suited for the dark indie movies, where he’s a struggling artist dealing with his demons via drug addiction and self destructive behavior. But this? This film has the potential to be a damn hit, even if it means working with the most neurotic perfectionist this side of the Rockies. He hears Maka suck in a breath, already practicing her composure for the next fifteen minute “critique.”

“No! No no no!” Kid cries, already worked up too much for a Monday morning at eight am. “Damn if she’s leaving you in this scene! She is telling you, her most loyal follower and protector that she has to do what’s right, and she has to leave you! This is a pivotal moment, where we recognize how much this rebellion means to her.”

“I know.” Maka snaps, composure almost instantly breaking. “I read your script. Several times. That’s what we’re doing!”

“No! You’re not! You two are looking at each other like you’re about to ravish each other! I’m looking for “melancholy”, not “desperately about to wreck the fuck out of each other before they finish their next sentence!” You two are killing me! Take ten and learn how to look fucking sad and we’ll take it from there.“

Maka is stomping off before he even finishes yelling at them, Blake running over what’s trending and how he’s told her more than a few times not to be a shit to directors. Soul groans, heading over to where Tsugumi stood with his vices ready for him.

That isn’t the first note regarding their stares that Kid has given them. The movie is going to be a hit, it’s going to change his career, and it’s going to be the film that finally brings his family to realize he was right about himself the whole time, but there was just one damn problem.

He desperately wants to hook up with Maka Albarn.

anonymous asked:

Hello~ I just wanna get some advice on how to keep yourself from being too much of a perfectionist when editing? I'm a student-writer writing an online novel on a chapter by chapter basis. Sometimes I'm frustrated bcoz I felt that certain things are not described well or it doesn't flow well in the new chapter so I kept editing it. In the end I often push back on my updates. I feel pretty bad for my readers. :(

Hey there!

I feel the same way as I am currently in the editing stage of my book. It feels like it won’t ever be good enough. Since you’re editing chapter by chapter, it might be easier to handle but no less frustrating.

I’d reccomend doing this:

1. Read the chapter and don’t touch/type anything. Absorb it all.
2. First round of editing: Fixing the skeleton: Fill in any major plot holes. Do big changes like cutting out scenes or adding them if need be.
2. Second round: The nitty gritty: Solve smaller issues like making sure the chapter’s end makes someone want to keep reading, add in description where it is lacking, make sure the characterization is strong, etc.
3. Third round: The language: Read the chapter aloud and correct typos, change clumsy wording, cut out repetitive words, diversify sentence structure, amd make sure the thing flows off the tongue.

Then, it’s done. You get these 3 rounds of editing and that’s it. Cut yourself off. Physically restrain your fingers from hitting the keyboard and doing anything else to the chapter. The more you do that, the easier it will get.

If you’re hung up on a certain aspect of the chapter, have someone else read it, preferably another writer or a reader. Ask them what they think is iffy about the chapter. Then, tell them exactly what you don’t like about it and hear what they have to say. It’s important that this person honestly critques you and doesn’t sugar coat.

Tagged by @chernwei5784 @nekomimiranger, Thanks, loves!

RULES: Copy this post into a new text post, remove my answers and put in yours. When you are done, tag up to 10 people and also tag the person who tagged you… and most importantly, have fun!
A) Age: 18
B) Biggest fears: Hurt someone, take some wrong decision, cockroaches XD
C) Current Time: 01:00 am
D)Drink you last had: Coffee :D
E) Every day starts with: My brother climbing on my bed and jumping on top of me, saying: ‘Hey, Min, wake up wake up, it’s day already!' 
F)Favorite song at the moment: Ahh so many… hmm I think is “Bonjour” (beauty and the beast) aaaand “how far I’ll go” (Moana)
H) Hometown: a very country city XD
I) In love with: my family, my friends ^^ Zootopia XD
J) jealous of: Pfff nah I’m not jealous!…. well, maybe a little …. ok I confess! I’m very jealous XD
K) killed someone: Ahhahah maybe, I’M DANGEROUS muahahaha
L) last time you cried: haha I’m very emotional (and depresive), so I can cry for anything at any time XD
M) Middle name: Just look in my account name
N) siblings: A little cute brother ^^
O) one wish: Travel around the world and meet all the friends I made here on tumblr :D
P) person you last called/texted: @chernwei5784 :)
Q) question you’re always asked: ‘Come on Yasmin, what’s the good and positive side of this?’
R) reason to smile: Make others smile; Wake up every day and see that I have another day of life; See the world not as it is, but as it might be; Help others and so many other reasons!
S) song last sung: ‘Bonjour’-the beauty and the beast’ ( @chernwei5784 don’t say nothing XD)
T) Time you woke up: 6 am 
W) worst habits: worry too much, be perfectionist and stubborn ><
X) X-ray you’ve had: Omg I’ve lost count XD 
Y) your favorite food: I don’t have a favorite, I like food of all kinds (well, I’m a chef ^^)
Z)Zodiac Sign: I don’t believe in signs ;)

I tag: @crispyfactor @nami-things @cloudyloudy @mattnyc816 @ihavewaytoomanyproblems @fox-comics @landsec @andyourteeth @cimar-of-turalis-wildehopps @frithislord

Golden Prince

Title: golden prince

Pairing: Lee Taemin/Reader

Summary: Taemin always lived seen by others, living to the expectations of the king and by the rules of the queen. His curiousness got him closer to what he thought was heaven, but oh, Taemin doesn’t know hell yet.

Chapter I/Chapter II/Chapter III/Chapter IV

Fitted, silky materials surrounded the prince as he looked at himself in the mirror, not completely sure if he’s supposed to hate or love what he sees. His hair was parted slightly in the middle, noticing Kibum behind him as he tries to sow the little parts that were a little unfitting on the skinny prince. Taemin was never one for expensive clothing, different? Absolutely, yes. There was just something thrilling of trying new things and seeing how they looked on him, but it was almost impossible to try so when your clothing was sown and prepared exactly for you by Kim Kibum, the most perfectionist fashion enthusiast you’ll ever meet.

“Straighten your back, for fuck’s sake,” Kibum mumbles, some of his utensils hanging from his mouth as the sewing needle went through the navy clothing he was wearing. Taemin, following Kibum’s instructions, lets out a scoff, but he can’t help but be a little nervous…what was this person his mother was talking about? “You’re exceptionally quiet, today.”

“Am I not like that usually?” Taemin asks, knowing damn well that he was a perfect mixture between talking too much and too little. He was a mystery, per say, he didn’t say anything about himself but he did talk to others; that’s how he lived his whole life. Kibum looks at him from over his shoulder, pulling on Taemin’s sleeves as a pleased smile appears on his face. The suit looked perfect.

“Well,” Kibum says as he places his needle on the little box he had for them, giving Taemin a watch to wear with his suit as he leans back against the little table on Taemin’s wardrobe, or rather…changing room for himself. “You’re one to say something back when I try to tease you, but you haven’t said anything today.”

“Mhm…” Taemin hums as he fixes the watch on his wrist, looking at the time to see that he still had twenty minutes for the meeting he had with his parents. “Just feeling a little bit lost, that’s it.”

Keep reading

Hello everyone!!
My name is Rasya. Im 17 yo. Im from Indonesia. Currently in highschool senior year.
Im so addicted to studyblr so why am i not making one:)
I love the positivity and productivity in the community, so those are the main reason if you ask why.

🌸 i love to read old books.
🌸i love sushi way too much.
🌸an ENTJ.
🌸also an arian.
🌸my favorite subjects are biology and chemistry.
🌸i love to watch 90s movies.
🌸i love poems.
🌸addicted with the sky.
🌸i laugh easily and it often annoy people around me.
🌸such a cheesy person.
🌸im such a perfectionist when it comes to taking pretty notes.

Blog that inspired me: @studyquill @emmastudies @journalsanctuary @studyoblivion @studylustre @thepinkstudyblr @natastudies

“Being Robin is the best thing I’ve ever done, mother.
And even if my father does return, this is the life I’ve chosen to lead.
I don’t need you to save me.”

“I see. I feared that’s how you might react.”

“Where are we going?
What’s the point of all this?
There’s nothing more to be said, mother.”

“I understand that now.
I respect your decision.
But there’s something I’d like you to see.

He’s you.
Another you, made from the same augmented DNA combinations.
He’ll be ten years younger than you when he’s born.
Oh, Dami, not only was the Wayne fortune yours..
But I would have given you the world as a birthday cake.
What more can I do but offer you one last chance to accept your destiny, my darling?”

“Can’t you just love me for who I am?
Not what you want me to be?”

“No. That’s not my nature.
I’m too much of a perfectionist.
I’ll always love you in my own way.
And I will permit you to leave with your circus boy in tow.
But from now on, Damian, you are no longer welcome here.
You may consider yourself an enemy of the house of Al Ghul.”

“Very well.
I hope I can be a worthy one, mother.”

- Batman and Robin Vol 1 #12(2010)

  • Billy: What am I most afraid of? Hmmm, let's see...
  • Melvin: Global warming.... and getting a B.
  • Lisa: The phone ringing in the middle of the night.
  • George: That I'm too much of a perfectionist.
  • Lisa: Honey, this isn't a job interview.
  • George: Oh, man... job interviews
  • Mr. Krupp: Nothing
  • Edith: Yeah, right, what about the pigeons?
  • Mr. Krupp: Oh, I don't like them... They're shifty.
  • Harold: Losing Billy.
  • Billy: Awww... hotel bedspreads, ugh.
  • Professor Poopypants: Never getting my license.. or getting one and the picture sucks.
  • Captain Underpants: Dying alone.

Being in remission, when you’re not at the beginning but you’re not “recovered” either, feels exceptionally nebulous.
I remember Marya Hornbacher detailing it in Wasted–the boring aftermath. Sometimes, I feel that way.
But mostly, it’s just strange. I’m no longer driven by a negative energy balance. I’m no longer frenetic and obsessive–traits I’d attributed to my temperament that proved to be malnutrition-induced. I’m less numerical and more fluid. I am not a perfectionist by nature, so my non-specific anxiety has mostly dissipated, and can more clearly identify trauma-related anxiety. I don’t wake up in hunger and wander to the gym at odd hours of the night. I sometimes find myself missing that discipline, though I recognize now it was compulsion.
For so long, my life was governed by anorexia, then controlled entirely by professionals. Now, I call the shots. I eat because I choose to, though it now feels non-negotiable like the eating disorder once did. It almost feels like I know too much, now. Like my desire to have an unrecognized, ineffectual eating disorder is so painfully unrealistic that even skipping a meal is so tinged with redundancy–I’ve gotten where it lead me before and it was never where I wanted it to lead, so why bother now?
It’s a complete paradigm shift so I’m trying not to over-analyze it, but I can’t help it. It’s so odd. My drive is my own, and the autonomy feels good between my fingers. Now I just have to learn to equate the autonomy with the fuller hips, the sturdier presence, and the body that clearly has been built up from its time of being torn down. I’ve been growing for so long; it’s time I learn to be grown.

aaaaand we have the sibs! They’re twin babs so matching jackets ;P If ya’ll wanna read me rambling about them then clickie the read more~

Keep reading


(first post, yeaa!!)

hello everyone!

I’m Anja aka. @animestudyblr , i’m currently 17 years old and from Germany.

After changing my URL a hundred times, getting inspired by the tons of studyblr’s i am following right now, I decided to finally create my own studyblr!

I’ve planned to post in a week or so, because I’m currently waiting for my new camera to arrive! (^-^’) can’t wait..

So.. I am going to “college” as a media-design student in topic of media and communication. I finished my first year so far with good grades but that’s not enough because I’ve two next years ahead of me. I hope to get the chance to go to university after I finished school.

The things that I learn in school:

  • photography
  • mediadesign (using kinda stuff like html or css, coding our own websites, portfolios, etc.)
  • the regular things: german, english, math
  • audiovision (filming, editing, that kind of stuff)
  • art history and film history
  • art (it’s not really art, but kind of: something like illustrating an advertisement for voss water - this was really one of our assignments back then)

and a lot more..

Some things about me:

  •  i am watching and loving anime (i think you noticed that much ^^’)
  • besides i’ve watched a lot of shows like: game of thrones, awkward, 13 reasons why, the vampire diaries, the originals, …
  • i am a huge fan of game of thrones (currently reading the first book - i know it’s dumb reading the first book and watching the seventh season, but hey, it’s like living in the old times again where everything was fine and nice and… “oh my sweet summerchildren if you knew what is coming for you, my beloved characters..” *coughing* winter.. *coughing* stay in winterfell *coughing* pleeease..) my studygram (not active yet) is: animestudygram
  • i’m an perfectionist with a huge plan/to-do list’s addiction
  • i’m listening to anime songs (openings, endings, soundtracks, all of it), k-pop (i love blackpink and bts and exo - songs and.. i have to become a part of the fandoms, rlly) and so much more music, i can’t count
  • i am a pro at procrastinating summer holidays are boring too, right now
  • my favourite band is “The Oral Cigarettes” (from japan)
  • i love tea and coffee (tea more: especially green tea, milk tea or tea out of berries)
  • my favourite colours are blue and red. i think
  • i have short blonde hair (bangs) and blue eyes
  • my english isn’t the best. so, i’m sorry..

and i don’t know what to write here anymore..


Blogs that inspired me: 

(thank you so much!! <3)

@elkstudies @obsidianstudy @studyblr @studiousgrace @kaiistudies @oikawastudies @studyinstyle

and a lot more..

ありがとうございます - thank you very much (sadly i can’t speak japanese yet)

Dead Bodies (1/?)

Summary: All her life, forensic pathologist Dr. Angela Ziegler has dabbled much with the dead. After a bout of self-realization, she decides it was time she learned how to deal with the living.

And maybe ask her colleague out for a date somehow.

Genre: AU, Romance. Dark humor. Oh, and ghosts and psychics (anyone a fan of pushing daisies?)

Characters/Pairings: Angela, Lucio, Fareeha (mentioned), Pharmercy

Rating: T, mentions of body gore and third party violence, dark humor.

Keep reading

anonymous asked:

"She thinks of me as a perfectionist student who simultaneously tries to hard in class and gets the work done too easily" god sometimes I feel like the whole world feels that way about me. Like, I am "intellectually gifted" (god I hate saying that I'm not bragging I swear) and everything just comes so easily to me, and I feel like its so much harder making friends because of that.Everybody sees me as that unreachable genius without any problems, and at the same time I feel guilty and undeserving

Continued: of my accomplishments. Like, how am I supposed to genuinely support my friend who studied whole year and worked really hard to pass the very important exam and got 50% and I KNOW this exam was extremely hard, much harder than previous years and I didn’t work half as much but I got over 85%, best in school, and I just feel so stupid and guilty and like I am going through life on cheating mode, and others see it too and I can’t blame them, I must be insufferable to be around
I know exactly where you’re coming from, anon, and it makes me really sad. Here is the truth: things are always going to be harder or easier for some people, and different things will need different people, and people’s strengths come out in different ways. There is absolutely nothing wrong with being smart. There is nothing wrong with having things come easily to you. How can you support your friend’s hard work? She worked really hard and that is a good thing. Your performance on the exam has nothing to do with you–her struggles do not correlate to yours. 

We live in a world that makes women feel deeply guilty for our own accomplishments and intelligence. If you feel like you’re on “cheating mode” it’s because, at heart, you don’t feel like you deserve to be doing well. I get that. I didn’t have to try very hard when I was going through school. Part of that is because they make this standard education for everyone–there are things that will challenge everyone, but what I was being given wasn’t up to my level of challenge. I found that things were much the same in college. And what it meant was that I was always making myself smaller and I was never getting myself to try. To be open about my abilities seemed like it would draw too much attention to me. 

I don’t talk about it here, but my work now is not my first time as a grad student. I went to get an MFA in Creative Writing, and that is where I learned an incredibly important lesson: if you don’t own your own intelligence as a woman, people will try to rob you of it. I had class after class with people that were frankly mediocre who made it their mission to teach me that I wasn’t special and that I wasn’t good at anything. They gave me brutal criticisms that were not shared by anyone who was in class with me. They were unfair. They told me I was stupid. And because I didn’t believe in myself, and because I didn’t think that my intelligence was worth owning, I believed them. I internalized it until I thought I was awful at writing, that I never should have tried, and that I had truly been stupid all along because I never tried, I just parroted things back. I lost my ability to be seen. I lost my ability to be heard.

Was that fair? No, it wasn’t. I didn’t write for three years, which is a long time for someone dedicated enough to get an MFA in writing. But who was the problem? Was it me, or was it mediocre, mostly male and white professors who thought that an assertive and intelligent lesbian woman was a good target for denigration. Men do not want women to be smart. Society does not want women to be smart.

Think of it this way: as an intelligent woman, the last thing that you should do in this world is make yourself small. You have been given a particular type of gift in this world. You have been given an opportunity.

These days, I own the fact that I am an intelligent woman capable of high levels of analysis and interpretation of data. I have an incisive mind. I have a great deal to offer and I am going to do a lot of high level clinical help and hopefully, lead research in areas that matter to me. That isn’t bragging. That is me recognizing my own strengths. It doesn’t hurt others to recognize those things in myself, especially as I am dedicating those strengths to helping others. It doesn’t tear others down to lift yourself up. The world needs smart and professional women. It needs women who know science. It needs women who know art. It needs women who know the law. It needs women who can debate. It needs women who are unabashedly owning the fact that they are smart and they know their field. 

Here is my advice: challenge yourself. Use that intelligence. Look for things that interest you. And then go and be the absolute best. And when you see others are trying their best in their fields and with the things that challenge them, cheer them on just as hard as I am cheering you on right now. 

Don’t be afraid to be a star. Women are taught to be the moon, and reflect light. Trust me, it’s okay to be the light itself. 

anonymous asked:

Please don't put yourself down T__T Your writing is INCREDIBLE!! I've been reading fanfiction for almost 10 years now & I'm VERY picky about what I read lol I like to look for character, emotion, good story/plot, and, of course, good spelling too XD and I find all of that in your stories! I can't speak on behalf of everyone but I, for one, absolutely love love LOVE your writing & look forward to every new scenario you post!! :)

I-I really don’t mean to, cutie pie! I guess the worst critic is yourself and I’m plenty hard on myself, ngl. I am just a perfectionist and now that I have you lovelies following me, I only want to work harder to make it better for you!

but omfg, you’re really going to make me cry! Just thank you so much for your kind words and just taking the time to send this to me! I am just overwhelmed by your kindness and just thank you.

quinzel  asked:

my bf joseph oda

sexuality headcanon : he a big ole gloved homosexual.

otp : joseb. whom would have thought !

brotp : him and juli. they’re each other’s gay best friend.

notp : literally anything involving him and a woman, or him and Ruvek. i don’t multiship on this boy.

first headcanon that pops into my head : the first thing he thought when he met sebastian was “oh no he’s hot” and then it kinda went gayhill from there.

one way in which I relate to this character : he’s a “perfectionist who wants to kill himself” and bitch i’ve been that for years!!!! also he’s got glasses. i, too, am glasses.

thing that gives me second hand embarrassment about this character : running into danger. constantly. all the time. even i wearing heels doesn’t trip that much.

cinnamon roll or problematic fave : you call him problematic and i will come into your house and kiss ya mom.

ask me about a character ?

anonymous asked:

I just wanna ask you real quick...how did you get the confidence to start posting your writing? I have all these things written but I'm so critical of my writing that I can't really bring myself to post anything. I'm a perfectionist 100% of the time :/

i totally get this. i usually share my writing with my friends and get opinions about it - constructive criticism really works for me. i also spend a good amount of time working on it. the only time i reread it is to go over it to proofread it, otherwise i’ll psyche myself out and convince myself how bad i am (even though i know i’m not). try not to get stuck inside your head too much. you’re your own worst enemy. i’d love to read your writing - if you ever feel comfortable enough to share it, please tag me :)