i am tired and i will regret this

A couple of Dannys before I call it a night

Aisles [m]

Aisle Three

Summary: Jungkook was your best friend. You held onto his secrets. And he knew all of yours. Except for one. One that would change your friendship forever. You were in love with him.

Pairing: Reader x Jungkook

Genre: bestfriend!au, college!au, angst, smut

Word Count: 5,802

Originally posted by sugutie

Aisle One Aisle Two Aisle Three

Surprisingly, it was easy for you to lie yourself and to everyone around you. Flashing a smile anytime someone around you asked you how you were doing. The layers of concealer under your eyelids hiding more than the lack of sleep. You tried to keep yourself busying, burying yourself under piles of books and notes to occupy your mind with anything but Jungkook and how he wrinkled his nose when he smiled.

 In a very strange way you found solace in the amount of schoolwork that was piling up in the pages of your planner. Exams, research papers, and presentations were keeping you out of the house and inside the walls of the library. You were regretting your schedule for this semester, but with the MCAT looming you couldn’t afford to take any risks. Medical school was the light at the end of the tunnel, and not even a bunny toothed boy was enough to keep you distracted.

 Hoseok however, had a problem with the fact that you should probably start paying rent to the librarian. He missed you, constantly sending you reminders to eat and drink water during the hours you were studying. You had regretted the night you told him that you hadn’t eaten since 7 in the morning and 45 minutes later a freckled teenager came into the library with the largest bag of Chinese takeout you had ever seen. And your name was scribbled on the front.

Y/N 9:35 PM: Hobi, I appreciate the thought but can you please stop sending me food while I am in the library.

Hoseok 9: 47 PM: I’ll stop sending you food when you actually sleep in your bed, for once

Sighing, you throw your phone back down on the table. He had a point. You hadn’t slept underneath sheets in weeks. By the time you got home from school you were too tired to make it your bedroom. Every morning waking up regretting the fact that you had decided to buy the lumpiest couch known to man. You knew that this wouldn’t last. That eventually you wouldn’t be able to hide behind the excuses of academics to avoid having a life. You were going to burn out.

But two days later you found yourself in the same position.

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ed sheeran’s divide | sentence meme.

eraser.

  • ❛ i was born into a small town. i lost that state of mind. ❜
  • ❛ so blame it on the pain that blessed me with the life. ❜
  • ❛ friends and family filled with envy when they should be filled with pride. ❜
  • ❛ when the world’s against me is when i really come alive. ❜
  • ❛ you know that i’ve got whisky with white lies and smoke in my lungs. ❜
  • ❛ i need to get in the right mind and clear myself up. ❜
  • ❛ i look in the mirror, questioning what i’ve become. ❜
  • ❛ i’m well aware of certain things that can destroy a person like me. ❜
  • ❛ i am happy on my own so here i’ll stay. ❜
  • ❛ save your loving arms for a rainy day. ❜
  • ❛ i’ll find comfort in my pain eraser. ❜
  • ❛ i chased the picture perfect life. i think they painted it wrong. ❜
  • ❛ i beg you, don’t be disappointed with the person i’ve become. ❜
  • ❛ the world may be filled with hate, but keep erasing it now, somehow. ❜

castle on the hill.

  • ❛ i was younger then. ❜
  • ❛ i found my heart and broke it here. ❜
  • ❛ i know i’ve grown. i can’t wait to go home. ❜
  • ❛ i miss the way you make me feel. ❜
  • ❛ we watched the sun set over the castle on the hill. ❜
  • ❛ had my first kiss on a friday day. i don’t reckon i did it right. ❜

dive.

  • ❛ maybe i came on too strong. maybe i waited too long. ❜
  • ❛ maybe i played my cards wrong. oh, just a little bit wrong. ❜
  • ❛ i could live, i could die, hanging on the words you say. ❜
  • ❛ i’ve been known to give my all. ❜
  • ❛ so don’t call me, baby, unless you mean it. ❜
  • ❛ don’t tell me you need me if you don’t believe it. ❜
  • ❛ so let me know the truth before i dive right into you. ❜
  • ❛ do you have a tendency to lead some people on? ‘cuz i heard you do. ❜

shape of you. 

  • ❛ the club isn’t the best place to find a lover, so the bar is where i go. ❜
  • ❛ your love was handmade for somebody like me. ❜
  • ❛ i’m in love with the shape of you. we push and pull like a magnet do. ❜
  • ❛ although my heart is falling too, i’m in love with your body. ❜
  • ❛ last night you were in my room, and now my bed sheets smell like you. ❜
  • ❛ we talk for hours and hours about the sweet and the sour. ❜

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Only Echoes

My ex’s ghost begins to haunt my apartment a week after the break up. I spot him sitting in our the breakfast nook, sunlight falling like dust through his torso to the rumpled rug in front of the small table. He’s staring out the window, parts of him fading in and out of view.

“No,” I say, grabbing the counter in case my suddenly weak legs betray me. “No.”  

He turns and smiles at me with the weight of the world in his eyes.

I grab my cell phone from the pocket of my sweatpants and call him. One ring. Two rings. Three. 

“Hello?”

My hand tightens around the edge of the counter until I can hear my bones scraping together. “You ass. You don’t get to do this to me. Make it go away.”

He’s silent for a long moment. Then he sighs. “My ghost?”

Yes,” I say. “Get rid of it.”

“You know that’s not how this works,” he says.

“I’m the one who’s supposed to haunt you,” I say. “You broke up with me. That’s how this is supposed to go. So stop.”

Stop or come back.

But he doesn’t say anything else before he hangs up.

I turn to scream at his ghost but, like him, it’s gone.

—————————————————————

“He’s one of those,” my sister says knowingly. She sounds far away and tiny over the computer’s speakers. “You better be careful. Sometimes they don’t leave.”

I consider my cup of cocoa. She’s holding a matching cup half a world away so that they’re connected. I wonder if she’s foregone her usual shot of baileys this time. “What do I do then?”

“Try to move on anyway,” she says. Behind her something peeks around the kitchen doorway and is gone before I can make out who. My sister’s been drinking for a decade and hasn’t once talked about quitting.

“Right,” I say and imagine the poor quality of the speakers hides the hollowness in my voice.

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Before I start this post, I want to say that everyone’s orientation is different! I’ve seen that a lot of schools have orientation over the summer, weeks before classes start. My school, I guess because only a few of us are from here and the majority of students are out of the state/country, we had orientation week starting on move-in day, the same week classes started. That’s why I will be discussing move-in day and the first day of classes here, though yours might be a completely separate experience. Let’s get started!

Move-In Day

  • Dress for a lot physical activity. You are going to be lugging your shit up and down stairs (elevators get full, if you even have them) all day, walking back and forth to your car, and once you get everything in your room, you will have to unpack and loft your bed, etc. You are going to be sweaty and exhausted by the time it’s all over. I wanted to still be cute so I wore spandex, my Vandy t-shirt and hat, and a full face of makeup lol. I know you might want to make a good first impression on your roommate and new classmates, but everyone will be wearing what looks like workout clothes. Don’t wear jeans or a dress or something. It’s August, it’s hot, you’ll regret it.
  • Be patient. Oh my god, I swear 90% of the memories I have of move-in day are just me waiting. Waiting in the car for the line to move towards the dorms, waiting in line to get my key, waiting for a dolly to free up, waiting to get inside the elevator, waiting for the stairs to clear up. It’s so boring, especially when you’re so excited to just finally be there. Be prepared to wait and try to appreciate your last few moments before college ruins your life (just kidding!).
  • Brace yourself for something to go wrong. No matter how organized your school is, chaos is inevitable on move-in day. You will have planned according to a schedule they gave you, and something will not go the way it’s supposed to. Thousands of freshmen who don’t know anything all in the same place at once is a recipe for disaster. Just don’t stress about it cause it will all work itself out. Honestly, that’s a philosophy to live by for your entire college career, not just move-in day.

Orientation Week

  • I can’t even explain how busy you’ll be. Starting from the first floor meeting we had on move-in day, the entire next seven days were packed full of activities and meetings and ceremonies. I still have my freshmen guide with the itenerary of all the things we had to do, and it was pages long. Everyday we would wake up at like 8, and have things to do until after midnight. I was so busy, I didn’t even have time to be on my phone, and I love social media. You will be so tired, and it will get old really quick. I don’t really have any advice, but through the exhaustion, remember to try and appreciate this chaotic time and stay in the moment. You’ll never again experience the freshness and excitement of your first week at college, soon you’ll get used to it all and you’ll wish for that feeling back.
  • You don’t have to attend everything. Like I said, you will be exhausted. You won’t want to wake up at 6 am for the Freshman Sunrise (i did and i regretted it), or to take the class picture where you have to stand still for an hour and you can’t even see yourself in the photo (again, i should’ve slept in). You might feel obligated to go to everything, but if you just need a break, then take that break. Orientation is overwhelming. 
  • Don’t freak out if you miss a required meeting. We had lots of events that were marked required. It’s inevitable that people miss these, due to sleeping through an alarm, or reading the time wrong, or getting lost on campus since you don’t know where everything is. Lots of the time, they only mark it as required to scare people into going when there’s no real consequence if you don’t. Even if there is a consequence, you won’t get into any major trouble the first week. You’re freshmen, they understand. Do try to make it to them, though. The best way to do this is to find friends or other people who are in that same section and go together.
  • Don’t stress about making friends. It is quite literally impossible to not make friends during orientation week. You will have to attend so many things with the same group(s) of people that you’ll bond over that alone. You don’t even have to try, so if you’re not a social person, don’t worry. As long as you don’t stay silent in a corner, you’ll have plenty of people to hang out with. 
  • Don’t stress about keeping the friends you do make. You will meet a million people, and have a million new numbers in your phone. You will have a hard time matching everyone’s names to their faces. People form connections really quickly, that’s just human nature, but this is especially heightened in university when everyone is away from home and no one knows anyone. Don’t feel like you have to stay attached to the same five people you became best friends with after two days for fear of not finding anyone else to be close to. Lots of people meet their real friends at the beginning of the year, but most people don’t. All of the pictures and videos I have from my entire first semester are with and of people I don’t even speak to anymore, people who, frankly, I can hardly stand to look at now. During orientation, you’ll gravitate towards anyone, but you’ll soon realize you don’t know them at all and they might turn out to be shitty people. I met all the friends I have now second semester through the LGBT group on campus, and they’re great. Point is, don’t feel too attached to your orientation buddies. You will find your people, even if it takes a while.

First Day of Classes

  • Find the buildings where your classes are held beforehand. Yes, I mean physically walk to them and find the exact classroom, don’t just use Google Maps to make sure you can get there in ten minutes. I knew the names of all the buildings and their general location, but then I found out some buildings are attached to each other and numbered in a strange order, then you finally find the right building but can’t find the right floor and hallway. I was late to all of my classes the first day. University buildings are so confusing. You will have trouble, I promise you. Do yourself a favor and figure out how to get to all of your classrooms sometime earlier in the week. You will feel great about not being that embarrassing freshmen asking the upperclassmen for directions (who are happy to help, but will laugh at you just a little bit).
  • Introduce yourself to the professor before or after class. You don’t have to do this if you don’t want, but it can’t hurt. Just shake their hand and make sure they can match your face to the name. Doing this the first day makes it easier to establish contact with them later in the semester, which you’ll probably have to do. Don’t worry, you’ll see lots of the other students in your lecture doing this, too. Just hop on in line.
  • Double check to make sure you don’t have any assignments due/papers to bring. This is unlikely cause you don’t have summer work in college (at least to my knowledge) and it’s never happened to me, but I had friends whose professors had assigned them work for the the first day of class. This is really ugly, I know, but just check your email and Blackboard to make sure there’s nothing to do. 

This is longer than I anticipated, so thanks if you read it all! I hope this helps someone out. Orientation is a chaotic mess but so so fun, cause it’s the only time you’ll ever be able to experience the fun of college without the stress of the work. Up next is advice on living with a roommate (and boy, do I have advice for that). Previous posts:

Application Process

Choosing/Changing Majors

So, I was watching Star Vs. The Forces Evil episode Into The Wand and something caught my attention. Lil’ Chauncey, Moon’s war pig-goat pet thing, was in Star’s memories. She remembers him.

 She knows Chauncey died in battle but no specifics on which battle or when. Then we get to The Grandma Room and we see Moon’s tapestry and her poem which I sum it up as: Toffee dun goofed. Toffee is clearly terrified and there have been lots of theories as to why this happened. Most of which tend to be shippy or something else.

But look at Moon’s face. Look at that rage, that pure open hatred. What did he do? What could warrant such open hostility from someone we’ve seen as being so cool and reserved? Then is hit me: Star was alive when this event went down. Because Chauncey died in battle, shown here in this tapestry and Moon is clearly an adult and Star remembers Chauncey. Then I remembered how the royal guards used to babysit Star. Why? Where were the nannies? The caretakers? The royal nurses? They taught her how to fight, how to use a sword and weapons, how to kill an enemy with her bare hands before she ever hit puberty. Why would Queen Butterfly, Mrs. Prim and Proper, allow her only daughter to be cared for and basically raised by guards

Because she felt it was necessary to better protect her young daughter. I’m willing to bet this is Moon unleashing some serious mama bear rage against someone who threatened her very young child. Star was old enough to remember Lil’Chauncey, but perhaps not the attempt on her life or whatever it was Toffee was planning on doing to the royal family. Maybe it was a betrayal on his part since there are so many hints and theories revolving around the two.

(Just as a side note, I am very aware of the Moon/Toffee ship and while I do think it is kind of out there, I also kind of like it too. Unless it ends up being like the Luke/Leia thing like one new major theory proposes. In which case, NOPE.)

I also thought it was strange that Moon and River decided to send their daughter to Earth to better control her powers….without any other supervision except for Glossyrick who they and we all know probably isn’t the best person to be keeping a rein in on Star. It probably had something to do with keeping her from setting the whole kingdom ablaze in glitter and flaming rainbows, but I also feel there was something else to it. While there are no mentions of Toffee after Storm The Castle, Moon is clearly afraid. 

I don’t know if we’re doing the right thing River.

Also, for all of Moon’s faults, she loves her daughter more than anything. Star’s safety is paramount to Moon and even the cleaving of her family’s ancestral wand is no where near as important to her as Star’s safety. 

Oh, I’m always mad. But I’m happy that your safe.

I love this theory because it explains so much: why Moon acts distant but at the same time is a constant presence in her daughter’s life. Moon maybe trying to do what she can to protect her only child while also living up to the very high and difficult position of being a Queen of an entire…planet? Like, she’s trying her best to be a good parent and Queen even if she doesn’t go about it in a way that Star can respond to.

Also, don’t tell me we aren’t going to learn something new on Monday about Moon. Look at this image I found for Page Turner’s preview. She just looks so tired and so sad. This is a woman whose seen some shit, done some things she’s regretted and probably has a lot of dangerous enemies.

All to protect her only child. At least, that’s my theory until canon will most likely disprove it.


EDIT: OK, so…I am both awed by and grateful for all the likes and re-blogs this post has gotten so BIG THANKS TO EVERYONE! XD

           Also, after watching the last few episodes of the season I feel like this sort of at least helps support my theory. There is no proof – yet – I hope – but give what we’ve seen it makes me happy. Moon clearly is worried about Star. She wants her training to progress farther and quicker, there is urgency in her voice and it’s clear that she’s scared. Also, all the magic in the universe is disappearing? Makes me wonder just WHAT that wand even is, or at least what makes it so special if Ludo having half of it means it has negative effects on a universal scale.

           Also? Toffee’s picture comes up on the screen with the corn and everything? Like, Moon, pay the frick attention!        

           Another thing is that while Glossyrick claims to be doing his job to train Star to be a good Queen I still don’t feel…like he’s a good teacher. He plays the vague-advice thing way too much but then he kind of just lets Star do whatever she wants to anyway so…I don’t know if this is the most effective way to train Star since she is still just a young kid and has a hard-enough time paying attention. I don’t know if there is something to it but I don’t like how cavalier he is about things. The final few episodes’ kind of bugged me. Like, dude, this is her child’s future were talking about. She has every right to stick her nose in thank you very much.

           But Moon’s fears and the lesson she learns in this episode tug at the heart strings. This woman has to accept that her young daughter is growing up fast, into a universe that is facing some serious peril and Star will undoubtedly have to fight soon enough. Moon is afraid, the fear is palpable and she wants to make certain that nothing can go wrong. She probably does have some suspicions of what’s causing it but she can’t be certain. Also, Eclipsa? Heck yeah is she going to be important given how frequently she’s been name dropped.

           Things are getting serious in the universe of the show, Moon is afraid and she’s know that Star is going to end up in the middle of it. For a woman who already has so many huge responsibilities on her shoulders and yet she probably feels powerless to protect her only child.

           Gah! The feels!

l�zȒM"

You know that feeling at the end of the day, when the anxiety of that-which-I-must-do falls away and, for maybe the first time that day, you see, with some clarity, the people you love and the ways you have, during that day, slightly ignored them, turned away from them to get back to what you were doing, blurted out some mildly hurtful thing, projected, instead of the deep love you really feel, a surge of defensiveness or self-protection or suspicion? That moment when you think, Oh God, what have I done with this day? And what am I doing with my life? And how must I change to avoid catastrophic end-of-life regrets?

I feel like that now: tired of the Me I’ve always been, tired of making the same mistakes, repetitively stumbling after the same small ego strokes, being caught in the same loops of anxiety and defensiveness. At the end of my life, I know I won’t be wishing I’d held more back, been less effusive, more often stood on ceremony, forgiven less, spent more days oblivious to the secret wishes and fears of the people around me…

—  George Saunders, The Braindead Megaphone
Infatuation - Part 1

Originally posted by jaebuim

part 2 part 3 part 4 part 5

Summary: You are now a Pre-K teacher and you meet Jaebum, a single dad. Will you date him or will you go back to your ex from high school?  

Genre: Romance, teacher, single dad

Warnings: smut in later chapters, swearing

Definition of Pre-K: teacher for children at the age of 4

Authors Note: This is my first fanfic and I am not really sure what everyone will think of it but please give me some feedback! Oh and I hate when fanfics don’t have a slight twist to them so don’t think I’ll keep you bored! I want some action and suspense here :) 

Chapter 1:

You walked out of your last exam feeling excited because you finally finished your senior year of high school. All that was left was graduation day! You were excited for this upcoming summer because you finally had a car, a job, and more time with your boyfriend, Yugyeom. You were also excited because college would start in August, which meant a new chapter in your life. 

You had been working hard during the semester to maintain your rank as number 1 in the class. After your hard work, you finally became valedictorian, and you would be giving a speech to your fellow classmates on graduation day. You were ready for a nice and refreshing summer. 

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•A JOURNAL ENTRY: WHAT IS IT REALLY LIKE TO LIVE WITH DEPRESSION?•

i wouldn’t exactly call it living. more like surviving… i look at the environment surrounding me, memories lie tattered in my brain. a life i want to believe was once so full and fruitful has become unthinkably dull. my own eyes were once baby blue but have since faded to an iridescently eerie gray. im hurting. it hurts. im not lying.

i would tell you that you don;t understand- but i;ve begin to notice that everything can only be interpreted in relation to other things or feelings. and this is the only thing ive come to recall feeling. this ethereal delicate coldness within my core, shaking and rattling my bones, consuming my every feeling of functionality. im clearly broken beyond repair- yet i aimlessly crave fixture.

i am light with awful lightness. my blood is mud and my bones are brittle. my thoughts freely cascade within my mind, setting fire to all of my precious sensibilities . any meager ration of purpose and hope is replaced by these fucking reminders that i am truly and entirely 113% alone in this.

at one point, i wanted help. i went to therapy once a week- on bad weeks i went twice. i convinced myself that the glass was half full. i made the most out of everything- and in the process, i made a fool of myself.

i spoke out. i cried for help. i wrote it in books, on forums, i would have carved the words “help me” into my damn skin on my damn forehead if i thought for one minute that anybody was listening.

and i know you’re listening if you’re reading this. but are you really reading this? are you reading me? can you feel the pain in the tips of my fingers, in the ends of my hair, in the blood in my veins, in the staggering cry of my voice at 2 in the morning- an ugly face soaked in the tears resulting from years of utter and complete destruction and then desertion of every little thing i feel?

can you feel my pain?

can you imagine trying to fall asleep when there are actual fucking faceless voices in between your ears jabbering an unimaginably taunting cry? whispering demented nonsense into your ears nonstop after you beg and plead with yourself to quit hearing those damn voices. your mind races like it’s been training all its life and this is the moment it has all led up to: the olympic event of self destruction. and it’s taking home the gold.

i close my eyes and i am so unbelievably tired. staying alive is a fight and today it has beat
me to a pulp. my eyes have bags as big as my regrets and my face is tired from
pretending to light up with joy all day.

jesus christ, it’s my junior year and i’m graduating in less than a year. surely there is one thing to even half way grin about. no, you are wrong. because for every good little thing that happens- every time it seems like it’s getting better, every false sense of hope, for every good thing, there is depression.

my false sense of hope has found its home. depression is a polite host to every single good
feeling in my body. depression feeds me, it cleans me, it loves me, it speaks to me, it knows me.

depression wants to stay forever. it houses in my bones, it feeds on my fears, it gets high on my anxiety, it exchanges hope for hopelessness, it thrives on my insecurities, and depressions favorite thing to do is to keep me up on nights like tonight, where i’m at my worst.

i’m scared, truly. i used to be obsessed with the seasons- more importantly, the transition of one season to anther. perhaps i used to be so fond of change because change was actually a possibility at that point in my life.

winter turning into spring was my favorite. i would lay on the dead, crunchy, brown remnants of the grass, the air around me crisp and cold, stabbing my lungs with every swift,
sharp breath. my nose rosy and cold, sniffling along every chill within my body. bare branches of tall oak trees
stretched into the white winter sky, seemingly reaching for the sunlight the tree craved and needed, as my pale, cold, minuscule hands clutched at the dry, barren earth beneath me- fumbling for more meaning of the world around me. why must seasons change, but my heart always feels the same?

you see, i resonate so very deeply with the winter months. gardens and patches of land that were once beaming with flora and fauna, life and expounding sunlight and warmth, now lay isolated, empty, sterile- similar to the child in me that once was jubilant and lively, but now turned into some thing so cold and ugly. the innocence has beend lost and the happiness within me has since been destroyed by the monster within me, which claims not only me as a victim, but those around me who love and care about me

i only know that i am loved and cared for because i’m continuously and perpetually told this upon a daily basis. it has become very prevalent to me that people feel much better about me when i validate that i know that they are here to talk and that i am loved. yes, i know this. but i cannot feel it. the love that you have for me is, in the least offensive way possible, absolutely irrelevant to my entire being.

you could listen to me rant for days upon weeks, you could read this bible that i’m typing. but i can never seem to make the people around me realize that i am never going to truly accept the love they offer me.

i often wonder if it is true love that inspires people to be there for those with depression- or if those surrounding me simply feel compelled to profess their love and support to me because they see my approval and wellbeing as a direct reflection of their credibility as a friend or family member.

i feel as if i am a burden to those around me, simply harshening the seemingly good mood that literally everyone else but me is capable of partaking in. i want to run with wild horses, frolic among wild flowers, hear the laughter of a child, hold hands with someone i love, and entertain deeply fulfilling and life changing relationships- but you see, the way my life is set up- i am actually emotionally incapable of doing so!

i am most aware of my unfortunate illness and incapability to be happy in the most unexpected and irrational times. take birthday parties, for instance. celebration and good vibes fill the air around me, seeping into my black, pitiful lungs. everyone around me smiles and sings, drowning in their jubilation, as i sit and watch. i want to have fun. please believe me. i want to sing happy birthday. i want to watch you open your gifts. i want to be as happy as you. i want to feel the warmth in my cheeks as i have the time of my life with my friends. but some thing within me compresses each and every slither of joy i am capable of feeling. i am suffocated by the downfall of my emotions and i am blinded by the reminder that depression doesn’t take breaks, not even at birthday parties. depression is strongest whenever you are faced with situations that expose you to the reality that you’re the odd one out- you’re sticking out like a sore thumb. you’re moping and you’re constantly staring out into space. what are you even looking at? what do you have to think about? you have nothing to live for, so anything beyond what’s right in front of you has no relevance in this whole scheme of life. so take it or leave it. you should be enjoying this birthday party. all the other kids are happy. you should be too. you’re lucky you even left the house today. so lucky. had you stayed home, you would have been 100% alone with your thoughts, rather than 97% along with your thoughts, due to the constant interruption of your moping and resentment by peers and parents and teachers asking “is everything okay?”

habitually, you nod. yes. everything is fine. i’m doing well, thank you. but what is the meaning of life? why do i feel like there’s a big fat man sitting on my chest and stomach and heart all the time? why do i always feel like i’m the only one in the room holding back tears trying not to cry? why are the other kids so happy? am i missing out on some thing? why do i feel so sad? why is it that every time i’m surrounded by people who say they love and care for me, i feel as if i’ve never been more alone before in my life? why? do you pity me? it’s just who i am. is that weird?

and oh my god i was always so desperate to be different. perhaps it was just the way my personality was set up. and i was always fairly extroverted. but it was presumably a persona that i put on. hey world, look at me. i’m silly and creative and ill say things that nobody else would say. pay attention to me, look at me.

because i needed them to watch. i hope you never feel so out of control of your body as me, to where you feel as if the only way that you can be saved is if other people figure out that you’re dying on their own. you don’t know how to come straight out and tell them, “hey, i really would rather not be alive at this given moment. i have visions of ending my own life. i use self isolation as a coping mechanism at times in order to feel like less of a burden on those who love me. i haven’t felt genuinely loved in a really long time. i’m so lonely. i could really use a friend right now.”

you can’t just say that. and i became depressed at 9 years old. how would a 9 year old even possibly articulate these complex and life threatening emotions that severely alter the way that every one of their peers perceives them. those middle years are crucial for making friends. it’s at that age that you have to find a group of 3 to 8 people who accept at least half of your given characteristics and occasionally invite you to partake in shit that kids do.

i wouldn’t know. i was a fleeting spirit. appearing and disappearing from cliques like it was clock work. there was more than one willow. there was the catty, witty willow- that found self-approval and approval from others by teasing and belittling others in order to build her own confidence up. then there was the sweet, flower child willow that sold daisy chains on the playground at recess at the price of one hug. there was the willow that stayed near the teachers at times because it was obvious that the other kids wanted nothing to do with her.

and as time progresses, the newer evolution of willow became prevalent. the willow that kept to herself most of the time, spending recess in the class room alone, drawing on the pages of her books, talking to herself, worrying her life away. everyone wondered - what was wrong with willow? or perhaps nobody noticed at all. maybe i was so insignificant even at such a young age- that the only time people considered me was in my dreams.

depression changes a person. some times, the change isn’t even tangible or noticeable to those surrounding the victim. some times, it is a slow discourse of the destruction of the spirit. it can slowly creep into your ear one ungodly night, and forever more whisper its awful lies into the victims ear, as it infects their whole body, their heart, their mind, their spirit, their hands, their eyes. everything. it slowly progresses into the uncontrollable loss of feelings and motivation to even maintain basic proper hygiene. it makes everything feel pointless. things are no longer worth the effort because you’re going to die no matter what, and that can’t come soon enough.

yes, depression can be slow and progressive. but that’s not the worst. the worst depression is the kind that sneaks up on you out of nowhere in the dead of night and immediately stiffens every hair on your body and turns your blood cold, making your mouth dry and your tongue numb. this depression hits you like a fucking train. it hits you in your most vulnerable state- comfort and normalcy. from that point on, you will never know normalcy again.

depression has a way of deceiving you into believing things that are crazy and untrue. but these things become so real to you as the depression progresses into a lifestyle that you come to know nothing else but the lies that depression will fill you with- so nobody can really tell you anything. it will call you names. it will tell you that you’re better off dead. it will be your only comfort- feeling nothing- during the night, whenever anxiety holds you until you pass out from exhaustion. you will never be cold at night as long as anxiety and depression have you snuggled up in between them.

oh how depression loves to kick you around and belittle you. oh how it renders your fantasies pointless. it loves to keep you hostage- to the point where any time you get an idea that doesn’t include moping around in your own sorrow, it immediately renders that idea impossible and reminds you that you are depressions bitch. you eat when depression finishes telling you how fat and disgusting you are. you sleep all day, so depression can take a dip in your nightmares. you wake up, and realize that life with depression is the true nightmare after all.

you pray for the day that you are relieved from this blinding madness and this subliminal torture. you feel as if you are not only a burden to your own self, but a burden to the people who love you and care for you

the only times when depression allows you relief from questioning the ulterior motives of those around you who claim to love you and care for you is when depression instead allows you to feel ashamed of your affliction. when you’re depressed, people notice. they may pretend not to and they may ignore it. but they know. they just don’t know what to say.

what would they say anyways?

hey. i’m sorry your brains are figuratively dripping out of your ears and i’m sorry that you have convinced yourself that i only care about you because i feel guilty, and i’m also sorry that you don’t even have the motivation to take a shower. i’m also sorry that you don’t
remember the last time that someone made you feel special. i’m sorry that you can’t find a reason to smile. i’m sorry that out of all the millionaires, the talented ones, the ones who fall in love, and the ones with nice asses- you were the one to end up hating yourself and everything around you.

ask yourself…. what do you say? what do you say to someone who is depressed?

know that i understand that you don’t know what to say. because yes this sucks. and i don’t expect you to understand what it’s like to wish you were dead. and i am so jealous of you for that. but please treat me the same as everyone else. please love me. make
me laugh. invite me to go shopping with you. get shit faced with me. help me fill the gaping hole in my soul with pointless memories of laughter and small talk. talk about life with me. listen to what i have to say. let me love you.

yes, i have depression. trust me, i will never forget! but please, help me feel normal. i don’t want to feel different than you. i want to be your peer, not your charity case.

i am dying to make friends. i am dying to spend less time in this bed writing shit like this. i am tired of letting this god damn disease walk all over me like i’m a fucking patch of dead grass.

life sucks. but please remind me that winter fades to spring. please remind me that some flowers are seasonal, and not every flower spends its whole life in bloom. remind me that you have to spend time in the dark to understand just how beautiful life in the sunlight is. remind me that there’s no cure for a bad day like a strawberry daiquiri and deep, controversial conversations with complete strangers.

remind me that my car has a sunroof and that it’s okay to open it up and let my hair get a little messy. remind me that music is better when it’s too loud to really interpret what the artist is saying- but you don’t have to understand to feel some thing.

remind me that i don’t have to lose this fight.

i am fucking hurting. but for the love of god, i’m begging you to help me fix me. because i forget that there’s good in the world. i forget that depression isn’t the boss of me. i forget that i have the whole world in my hands. i forget that there’s life after high school and that it’s okay to be alone some times, but it’s never okay to be lonely.

i will never forget what it is like to have my heart ripped out by a disease that i can’t even lay my hands on. perhaps i can touch the blisters under my eyes from
crying so much. perhaps i can run my hands along the holes i’ve punched in the walls from being so angry with myself. and yes i can feel how my bed is sinking in towards the ground because i spend so much time laying here trying to feel some thing besides utter destruction and loneliness. i can never forget what this disease has done to me. there will always be a piece of my heart that this depression has stolen from
me.

but with loving other people, i can aimlessly work to mend that hole. i can’t do it alone. i need a friend. i need you here with me.

i am so tired of being alone.
i will push you away at first. i may come off as helpless and a bitch. but please, that is the depression talking. it’s not willow.

willow loves the color pink
willow loves wild flowers
willow loves the smell of green onions
willow loves the feeling of sand under her feet
willow loves hearing about your childhood and how you had a speech impediment and a cat named angel
willow loves the smell of rain when it hits a hot sidewalk
willow loves to go barefooted
willow loves establishing connections with animals
willow loves willow, some times she just can’t see it

i need a gentle reminder of what it’s like to be a real normal teenage girl

this shit is hard. and being misunderstood makes it harder.

so i’m saying it loud and clear. my name is willow and i have clinical depression and generalized anxiety. my life has been a series of almost laughably awful events, which have resulted in said mental illnesses. i have been misunderstood, bullied, neglected, and hurt. but my story does not end here. i may never completely overcome my depression, but i will overcome my failure to acknowledge my illness. i will work to educate people about those who suffer as i do. i will help those with depression. i will be the friend that i have never had, but always needed, to anyone who wants it. i will be a testament to the depression that has oppressed me for 8 years now.

depression is not who i am. depression does not define me. what defines me is the fact that i am staying alive even though it is proving to be the biggest struggle that i have ever encountered, and i am asking that you help me and people like me. because it’s not a one person job.

my name is willow. and i’m telling you that depression is a rude ass bitch. but i’m a bigger bitch, and unlike my illness, i have the power to make people feel loved and valid. and i will use that power to overcome my depression.

i would like to dedicate this journal entry to everyone reading it. i may go to school with you, you may be just a random tumblr user, you may suffer with depression, you may suffer with some other deeply oppressive situation, you may just be a happy son of a bitch.
it doesn’t matter who you are. let this. journal entry be a testament to your life.

there are people with depression. and there is no way that i can ever explain to you just how it feels via tumblr text post or even via socratic seminar complete with gardens of text books and instructional videos. all i can say is that in this life, you are responsible for being there for the people around you.

you never know what someone is going through. people with depression practically have licenses and 4 year degrees in the field of putting up facades of being okay and sucking it up and repressing those explosive emotions. they don’t expect you to give a shit about them, because as far as they’re concerned, nobody has given a shit,
nobody currently gives a shit, and nobody ever will give a shit about them. they make it hard to help. but it’s so important that you break down those walls. and some times, all you need to do is smile at someone or invite someone to eat after school or to go to a party. you can’t do much for someone with depression. like i said, they’re a whole world away. their concerns and struggles are immaculate, indescribable. however, it doesn’t take much to show someone that you care even a little bit. even if it’s just picking and giving them a random flower.

if you suffer from depression or know anyone with depression and you need someone to look to for advice/help/inspiration, my DM’s are open. oversharing is caring. i know what it’s like to want to take your own life, and i fought the urge to do so even while writing this journal entry.

i am here for you. you are not by yourself. please DM me if you ever need someone to send you pictures of a cute animal to cheer you up, or if you even need me to talk you out of suicide. i know both feelings.

if you’re reading this,
i challenge you to go out of your comfort zone. yes you. i challenge you to do this one easy thing at either work or school, or out in public or in your family

1. pick 3 flowers, they can be store bought or you can have picked them yourself

2. give one flower to someone who you worry might have depression

2. give one flower to a random person who you don’t know

3. give one flower to a person you would like to get to know better, you never know when someone desperately needs a friend


it’s just a flower, but you could save someone’s life. some times, all people need is a gentle reminder that good things still exist and that somebody is thinking about them.

don’t be the person that assumes too high of a role or makes an excuse to not be able to participate in this challenge or share this journal.

you never know when you can save someone’s life.

remember: no matter who you are, i love you. and i am willing to comfort you in times of need. i’ve been where you are. and i know how much ass depression sucks.

my DM’s are open, and so is your future.
don’t end your story this early.

—  Willow Scalisi 4/18/17 (dam i just realized sonic got half priced burgers today, turn up)
Not that kind of friends

Request: @spiderween   37+41 with Steve, please! Can’t wait

Prompts:   37) “You’re so cute when you’re tired, you know.”

41) “When did you get so beautiful?”

Words: 1000

Pairing: Steve x Reader

Warnings: Fluffy, so much fluffy

Thank you @widowsfics  for beta this for me 

Credit to the gif owners 

Everyone knows that couple of friends. That kind of that are not really friends but they are not really lovers. You can see all the love and how much they care about each other but they never really admit those feelings out loud.

You grow up watching these friends and you never truly understood why they never said anything to each other until now. 

Since you met Steve, you fell in love with him. He was kind, sweet and really easy to look at.  He made you feel safe, protected and when you were around him you only felt happiness.

You suspected that he felt the same way about you for a while now, he was always hugging you and giving you forehead kisses. He treated you with so much gentleness, nobody ever treated you like that: like you were something so precious that need it to be taken care for.

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teru, on their first date: i need pictures

Falling leaves

 Request : “Do you want me to leave?” and “I am not losing you again!”

You are tired of waiting around for harry, so you make the sad decision to leave

I couldn’t live like this anymore, I couldn’t live a life where I have to sit here and wait for someone that barely comes around. I was lonely, I mean I don’t need a significant lover in my life but when I do and that person isn’t really around makes it hard. They say they love me and care about me, but as days go on I just can’t grasp what they express to me anymore. I sit here in silence, waiting here another day like always wondering if they will even call. It gets to a point where a week goes by and I don’t even see a text from them. The only way I really can see what they are doing is from looking online. So that’s just what I do, I look up the most latest new articles on them. The first thing that I notice right away is that they came back in town, without my indication. Something inside of me makes me snap and I just lose it, How could he do this. I sit here and waste my time on someone that I believe doesn’t even feel the way that I do about them. I decided that enough was enough and I wanted out, I couldn’t be here in this house any longer.

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anonymous asked:

LOL THE SUGA ONE WAS PERFECT! Yes he can be a kind supportive parent along with Daichi but hebis also E V I L! Daichi can be scary when angry but Suga will murder u in your sleep. EVIL I SAY! ok if you are not tired of those how about Akaashi next? So many fics make him this shy, pretty dude who needa to be saved by Bokuto nd I dont get where people got that. He's evil too, in a different way than Suga, but still evil

*kicks down your door* DID YOU SAY EVIL AKAASHI HOLY SHIT DO I LOVE THAT SHIT HOLY SHIT. (i already regret this entire meta) 

i mean to be fair i am partial to a wildly insecure akaashi because holy shitting fuck being shy/insecure and being a badass dickhead aren’t mutually exclusive what a fucking concept (this is rage at fandom in general not this ask, dw) but holy shit anyway

fanon akaashi

  • god it’s been so long since i read a bad akaashi
  • i live in my weird, dark akaashi corner and never wander out
  • fragile and feminine
  • like, dainty or something?
  • “so tired of bokuto lol poor akaashi”
  • eventually??? notices bokuto’s charm??? or something?? and is swept off his feet

canon akaashi

  • bruh
  • fuckin brutal my dudes
  • that moment in the anime? where bokuto’s explaining a rebound and then he’s like “well it can go wrong” and akaashi’s like “yeah it goes wrong a lot for you”
  • holy fuck what an asshole
  • bokuto’s like “NO” because of course he’s like “NO”, akaashi you dickhead. and then he’s like “you’ve gotta say that’s not true bokuto-san” because bokuto happens to know how to be be nice fucking person
  • and akaashi’s like don’t fucking tell me what to do you shithead
  • and the next time bokuto’s like “but if you’re calm you can figure out what to do” and akaashi swoops in knowing full damn well that he’s being a dick and is like “that’s not true bokuto-san”
  • fucking brutal
  • and you might be like “lol well he’s a sarcastic asshole with bokuto because he’s So Tired”
  • are you fucking kidding me
  • the guy spends all his free time with bokuto
  • endless practice? sure. lunch together? sure. the guy has a list of bokuto’s weaknesses, knows how to get him back on track no matter how shit his mood gets and you wanna tell me he’s not, like, one of the most important people in akaashi’s life?
  • also the second someone’s like “so bokuto, huh?” he’s like “yeah dude he’s super reliable and i only have good things to say about him whatever”
  • holy fuck
  • this is how he deals with a teammate he respects and is most likely one of his closest friends
  • he’s a dick. the way he smirks at tsukishima when they win? that’s a fucking “hahah suck it you loser, you little snot” even though he knows this is an insecure first year who is just getting the motivation to work at volleyball and he’s still like “should i be gracious in winning here? nah, i’m gonna smirk at him in a way that’s utterly rubbing his face in the fact that i fcukin played him hah you dickhead that’s our ace”
  • seriously though look at some of his faces the guy is absolutely out for blood. kenma is teasing him? i’m planning your untimely death you little pipsqueak. tsukki loses? hahahah how do you like that you lil bitch
  • not to mention he’s super fucking tall
  • he could crush you
  • this list is so long because i. fucking. am. so. emotional. about akaashi keiji.
  • he may be polite but he would murder you, bro. fucking murder you.
  • *muffled sobbing*
In a heartbeat headcanons

(GUYS WE HAVE REACHED 200 FOLLOWERS WOOP!!! Love all of you thank-you so so much! I will write what we are doing in celebration in another post, but since it is a little special occasion (it is a special occasion now!!) I am gonna write down stuff for “in a heartbeat” a short film that you have probably heard of and is so cute in so many ways oh my gosh. Me and Kae love it to death so here are some headcanons!! And later on might write a little one-shot thing. They are actually around my age so this should be really easy and fun to write for!!! Enjoy)

-Since they are around 13-14 I am gonna keep them in character for that in particular. (Should be easy as I relate a lot)
-I am going to say one thing an done thing only that will make your heart melt.
-picnic dates Yo.
-Doesn’t even have to be with a picnic basket or anything just eating food together on the grass and blushing and laughing together.
-Jonathon also blushing quite a bit to Sherwin’s surprise.
-But both are still young, and are experiencing new things, so of course they are both nervous.
-However now it is a more comfortable sweet nervous then before, it is more exciting and interesting.
-soft relationship my dude.
-You bet on the like, third picnic Jonathon asked if he could ruffle or play with Sherwin’s hair.
-Sherwin was kinda surprised….but happy.
-The feeling of someone playing with your hair is so nice though.
-And he Sherwin is content as ever.
-(Jonathon is so surprised because it is so curly and so soft!!!!)
-Both blushing more than ever.
-But sweet.
-They are both still trying to discover who they are, after all age and stuff, emotions are getting more complicated and a larger understanding of the world around them makes them unsure.
-I believe they are supportive of each other though.
-They let each other vent, relax and they try to help as best as they can.
-They care so much about each other, as the longer they date, the more they love about eachother.
-I can see Sherwin stressing a lot over school work or family issues.
-And Jonathon is right there for him, ready to help.
-While it is an innocent, sweet relationship, and they are young, it doesn’t mean that it cannot mean a lot and be comforting to both sides.
-Of course it is not going to be as mature as adult ones, however they can still care and help each other.
-after all, like it was mentioned earlier, during this time of your life you are trying to figure out who you are and where you belong.
-Things start becoming more real in terms of judgement, so to have someone to talk to an help you through this is a beautiful do important thing.
-Now back to the headcanons…
-Kisses on the cheek are kinda frequent.
-They are short and cute and sweet.
-Everything is quite slow in the relationship which is quite good for them.
-I mean by this is that they don’t jump straight in, they hesitate and take things step by step.
-I don’t think they would be big on pda at the start at all.
-However after a bit of time (and when classmates may mature a bit….hopefully) just kisses on the cheek, hugging a bunch, etc.
-OK can I just say.
-One running joke with the whole floor is lava thing is that Sherwin knows the exact right times to say to make it the most inconvenient.
-One time he said it in a park and Jonathon just scrambles up a tree as Sherwin quietly laughs.
-I feel like Sherwin would need quite a lot of validation to know that Jonathon really does care about him.
-And Jonathon notices this, and always make sure that Sherwin knows that hey, he does care for him and is there for him (apparently I am now Dr Seuss)
-Everything is going to be ok.
-On terms on Jonathon and his struggles I think eh may overwork himself.
-Which is when Sherwin tells him that it is ok to have a break.
-(followed by a mall date)
-(treat Yo'self)
-They grow really comfortable around each other and it is so cute.
-Sherwin discovering that Jonathon is kind of a giant nerd and just is really passionate of so many things.
-Jonathon realising that while Sherwin can basically learn any song by hearing to it once.
-(It is like a damn talent he swears…)
-Sitting under and on the tree in the film a bunch.
-Like just imagine them sitting on it together, calm as ever.
-Jonathon nearly falls asleep one time and Sherwin has to wake him up like.
-Pls don’t sleep you are on a tree you will die
-Them both getting extremely flustered yet loving it when the other kisses them.
-They kinda get used to it but it is still new to them so I mean…
-They are one of those couples that do the hand rubbing thing.
-you know where they hold hands and one of them rubs the back of the other person’s hand with their thumb.
-They are the definition of that.
-When birthdays come around they both give the sweetest gifts it is uncanny.
-Jonathon gives a bunch of homemade stuff like cookies and little crafts and stuff.
-Sherwin in amazing at remembering little details of conversations so everytime Jonathon said that he liked or wanted something absentmindedly…
-Sherwin remembers and gets every last thing.
-Both such sweethearts.
-By the way, piggy backs are a thing with them.
-So sweet and so much fun!!
-also laying one’s head on the others stomach is another thing with them.
-napping together is a thing with them.
-It is just so calming, and they love each other so much.
-They take the cutest pictures.
-I think that they might both be interested in photography and it is something they love talking about to each other.
-Oh, also to end on a light note one time in winter Jonathon lent Sherwin his jumper as Sherwin was cold.
-(to be fair Jonathon was also cold but he wanted to help his boyfriend so…)
-Sherwin was bright red and just melted in it…
-So soft!!!
-Smell so nice!!!
-Jonathon didn’t get the Jumper back for quite a while after that….

(To anyone who has not seen in a heartbeat, seriously I definitely recommend watching it!!! It is such a beautiful short film that is so sweet and emotional, that shows what it is like to have a first crush in this world we live in. It is beautiful and is only four minutes!!! Seriously please watch it, you will not regret it!)

-Ana

The Ultimate Ending {Park Jimin} ~Ceasefire~

Prompt: You riding Jimin’s thigh idk I wanna see a smut like that

Pairing: Jimin x Reader

Word Count: 1.2k

Warning: None

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